2023 A Retrospective #lookingbackissteppingforward #healing #release

 

Lisa Thiel - Invocation

I call upon Powers of East and Air 

and all of the energies pure and fair 

Powers of wisdom and clarity, 

Powers of the winged ones and of Faerie 

Powers of thought and of the mind,

 ideas that inspire human kind 

Power of hope and the eternal dawn, 

Power to begin anew and continue on 

Powers of the Air, be with us this night, 

bring your blessing to this Rite

As I sit here typing in the dying embers of the year 2023, another year of life slipping away, to birth the new freshness of what comes next, I find myself meditative as I ponder the extent of all that was encapsulated in this year.  As New Year's Eve approaches, I always become less festive than the other 'winter holidays', more inward focused and self-reflective.  And, this year has been one for the books, I tell you, so much having occurred within and without, that I scarcely can believe that its been only a mere 12 months.  With all that I personally have packed in, added to that the immensity of craziness the outside world seems to constantly erupt, this year, similar to other recent years, feels as if a multitude of twelve month span happened.  

Personally, it's been a year of expansive healing, finally feeling the real fullness of release and letting go, through my artistic endeavors seeping into relationship.  Starting with the film project, I AM FINE, where I shared the story of a young man's struggle with his sexuality amidst a controlling religion, tied into my own personal demons with religious trauma.  Time connecting deeply with the actors on set and off allowed me to begin to find the strength to stand up, speak out, and be heard, for myself as well as for those unable.  This led to deepening relationship with other religious trauma survivors of my denomination's ilk and reuniting with another.  Finally, I bravely penned a letter to a religious leader whose words and actions poisoned my path towards healing. 

This was the beginnings of unraveling the toxicity of mistrust in relationships, of wanting to flee to the assumed safety of my home, living like it was still 'lockdown' somewhere.  But, the inkling of connectivity in those early days of the years coupled with the reality of now several years in therapy and my recovery, I began to open up a little, to trust, to explore relationships, specifically what pure and healthy interactions look and feel like, in contrast to what I had experienced.  It became easier and easier to walk away, to pull up the weeds of the toxic, and see the roses of healthy connections bloom.  

From a small ragtag group of friends who once again awakened in me the crazy night-time shenanigans to be had in Ashland to joining a 12 step group to at last begin my healing of my relationship addiction, my understanding of real and healthy relationship continues to deepen and awaken my self worth.

Creativity continues to be the utmost balm of healing and release, stories told as an unraveling of self-discovery, making meaning out of madness and pain, in order to fully release and step forward. I continued with my "Journaling Through The Years" vlog series, started in 2020, where I read an entry from my journals I have written in throughout every phase of my life, commenting on and sharing with as much authenticity as possible.  Diving deep within the pages of my life has afforded me the grace to understand myself, to recognize the love that was always with me even when unable to see, and has helped me further in understanding and forgiving not merely myself but those I care for deeply.

Journaling Through The Years

I have continued to deepen my view of self as an artist, branching out from 'actor' to work behind the camera as director, cinematographer, graphic artist.  Moreover, I have continued to delve into the fine arts both as painter and drawer and in my happily chosen profession as an 'art model'.  As I hungrily digest story after story of real-life art models down through the ages, listen hard to the discussions of the craft of fine art while in classes modeling, I find myself diving deeper into an appreciation for my profession, the history of it, and its value for my own life as an evolving and thriving artist. 

My understanding of the craft of acting has deepened as well with my intense study of acting teachers from Stanislavsky on up.  These studies are part of my awakening abilities as entrepreneur, with the building of the lesson plans for my courses, "Acting For Everyone" and "How To Be A Life Model", with other courses to come.  However, the gift I was unaware of as I began was that myself as an actor and artist has deepened and broadened.

Through all this, I have learned the value of mindfulness in daily life, not always having to get down on a mat in weird 'twister-like' positions, but simply to take in each moment with a child-like awareness.  Blessed experiences of life are found in the simple, need not be manufactured or planned, if only to be open oneself to all that surrounds, peering at the beauty of a piece of the inside of a tree bark, black birds perched in an empty tree, the beautiful eye contact with a dear kindred spirit, laughter, deep hugs, truly listening, deep conversations, good food.  

This is what I take with me into 2024, not the list of 'resolutions' to do better, but the simple moment of awakening each day, to try and not give up, to believe in the journey, not the destination, continuing those on my long-held intentions, those that I have achieved live within as promises that others will come to fruition, but knowing that it is not in my power to decree when, but merely to rest in the small and large steps.  After all, " The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step."

And that, dear one, is the secret to 2024, to each day, week, month, year that comes, one single step follows another.  

Always remember, as I say in my "Journal" vlog series,

You matter, Your life matters, You are loved, & You Are Worthy Of Love.  

And, my ultimate wish for you in the new year and always is, to

Love Your Thrive & Find Your Sunshine

Join us Sunday, December 31st as we look back on Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Year: 

 Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Memory Reel #lookingback #steppingforward #heal #thrive

Know Your Body #health #wellness #recovery #healingjourney

 

Recently, I was given the new diagnosis of IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, added to the three I already have.  First, acquiring the diagnosis of Bipolar in 2006, discarding depression and ADD mis-diagnosed in my teens, finally, in 2011, Celiac Disease, some years later, gratefully, CPTSD in 2019, and now, after years of still struggling with gut issues even after conquering the celia issue, IBS.  The journey of discovery when given these labels individually and then, collectively, has been one of a soul-searching struggle at times, then suddenly grateful relief.  

As I reflect upon the roads I have traveled until now, I find some ease as I commence a new path of understanding my body's needs to heal in this new beginning (IBS).  Yet, still at times, I tense within, feeling a sense of hopelessness, when faced with the all-consuming task of once again learning what's right, what's wrong for my body.  "What the hell can I eat? I have shrieked inwardly as I navigate the elimination diet in order to find the food sensitive triggers, while at times slogging through days of overwhelming fatigue as my body adjusts to the cleanse or lack of nutrients still not discovered. I must once again learn to rest and to be gentle with myself through the process, not judge or cry because I find myself once again at another 'step one'.  

Added to all of that, I'm aging, try as I might to freeze or build Tardises to control time, the sands in the hourglass are slipping by, marked by the changes upon my face, hair, body, and even within.  As the numbers attached to my years alive increase, my body and mind shift, altering what I once was capable, but with this, comes a new appreciation for the simplicity of life.  The desires I once sought for have faded, changed, and find renewal in the focus to thrive in peace within and without.

Thus, as I face these new journeys of recovery, the physical and emotional, I find comfort in the truth that life is an ever-unfolding discovery to knowing more fully myself, reaching ever towards an achievement once gained, only to reveal another layer to voyage in discovery.  Daunting as it may seem, it is inevitable, for the sole purpose of life is the journey towards finding one's soul.  

My Product Is My Service...

 

...My service is to share my journey towards wellness.

For the first few years of this entrepreneurial journey I have found myself upon, I struggled to find the reason and purpose, the brand and theme, for Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, to be more than just a little indie film company, but sustainable enough to allow me to leave the trappings of the varied normie jobs behind.  It was during the great quarantine of 2020 that I was allowed the opportunity to slow down, focus inward, prioritize, and discover that that which was the brand, the theme, and the purpose was always with me all along the way.

That is, the true reality of what it means to be a thriving artist and to go one further, to help others find and love their thrive.  

That saying, I have also discovered that part of doing that is by my transparency in my soul's evolution towards wholeness and healing, which will inspire others to pursue not only their art or soul's creative purposes but to seek inner healing so that they too may truly thrive.

So, with that, I would like to share some insights from my doctor's visit this morning, which left me a bit fatigued emotionally and spiritually.

Ten years ago, when I walked down the aisle towards not so wedded bliss, of which I had no such idea at the time, the idea was forced upon me to choose for birth control the lovely IUD, to be specific, Intrauterine Device, of the Paraguard variety.  I say, thrust upon me, because the idea was brought up and decided upon by someone outside my body and I, at the time, did not feel the strength to rebel against.

Truth be told, the IUD is one of the best forms of birth control out there and thus it wasn't all together a bad thing.  I heartily agree that having a child with that aforementioned husband would have been a disaster all in itself.

But, as I continue down this path, examining the traumatic effects of my life, I realize how not having authority over making my body's decisions throughout life has effected my ability to trust in myself, develop my personality, and believe in myself worth.

So, as the time was approaching the ten year mark, that which was the time to remove and, possibly, replace the IUD, I opted to remove, deciding then that I would make the decision for birth control aligning with what's right for my body based on my needs and desires.  At this point, in fact, I am purposely abstaining for the benefit of recovery from relationship addiction and thus to find value in the souls I am romantically partnered apart from and yet along with sexually (don't worry, I'm not returning to my fundie 'born again virgin' life), to see them thus not as objects to fulfill my emptiness (get your head out of the gutter!) but rather as souls to be seen and to see me.

I shared all of this history of My IUD story with my doctor and she was aghast at the reality of how and why it was thrust upon and inside of me.  

"You need this out," she proclaimed and as we went through the process of the stirrups, the cold, metal clamp, pulling at the string, we joked about how much women experience such agony, papsmears, menstruations, child birth, and still get paid less than men.  Thus, when she was finally able to remove, she pronounced, "And it's out."

She held it up to me, "Here it is, just here doing it's thing, you are free."

Thus, in that she is correct.  A sense of freedom washed over me and my vagina felt finally able to breathe and to experience the love it has so long deserved but has never been able to achieve, to be valued for all that it is, and be seen as the beautiful life giving self it truly is.

Fare the well, little IUD, you did the job you were required, not just of keeping out the sperm to 

impregnate, but to lead me towards the journey of overcoming society's mysogyny and truly finding freedom within.

Hallelujah

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Tune into the next week, in the continuing saga of Lia's recovery and healthy journey, when she begins the process of whitening teeth and thus abstains from coffee and wine for the duration. 

TU, Not FU #2020 #2021 #happynewyear

 

Okay, I'm not gonna be like everyone else and say, "FU, 2020!"  I recognize the humor in that thinking and even more so the hardships and agony this year has revealed.  I get it, I feel ya, I really do.  

Perhaps, it's because I am coming from a darn hard life personally that any degree of external hardship is just par for the course, roll up your sleeves, and get to it.  Yeah, that's most likely a degree of it.

Because when it comes down to it, I'm damn thankful for 2020 for this year became a reset for me.  If it hadn't been for a pandemic, I would have continued onwards in ways that were not necessarily altogether negative but not overall the healthiest of life paths.  I am not saying that I was doing anything way way scandalous like 'doing lines of coke off a hooker's bum in a shady gas station bathroom" (How did I even come up with that?), no, nothing like that, honest I swear.  But rather, I was caught up in the rat race of competition and pursuing a shadowy long-off dream that I could not see what was really important, did not have the time for myself and those I truly love.  Interestingly, this reset allowed me to realize that my heart must put its focus on those who love and receive my love unconditionally, with no degree of rules or stipulation on how I should behave, act, do as they decree.  No, the haters I did not focus but let the toxic flush itself away and let the beam of truest love and loyalty have its day.   

I've quoted for years, "Home is where the heart(s) is/are", and even made that the theme of my Doctor Who Fan Fiction, Homesick.  The premise being that if I am at peace and at home with myself within, I am home without where-ever I may be.  That's a cool reality and one still I attest to, but this year I took the notion of home into a deeper level and realized that there was another layer of reasoning of why I clung to that quote as a life verse.  The answer being for many a year I felt no real grounding to a place, in a sense, the building that held my stuff was merely an address of which I received mail. 

But that all changed this year.

I feel that for all of us the theme of 2020 can be that of home, whether positive or negative.  For me, for the most part, it was positive.  It was the first year where I experienced a grounding in a place, making a plot of land my own, which affected my overall wellness journey and outlook on life in that I thoroughly took the time to self-examine, forgive, heal, and release, learning to re-parent myself as I moved forward.  In a very real sense of the word, I truly became a grown-up this year and discovered the key to adulting is in viewing it through the lens of child-like wonder.

Through the slowing down and reset, I was able to prioritize, focus, develop skills I never imagined I could have, and truly revitalize my sense of self worth.  Through this process, the primary business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, found its brand, its over-arching theme, that of the "Thriving Artist" upon which once it was revealed to me, it had been so clearly defined for so long it was crazy that I hadn't seen it, but such is the nature of the busyness of life to cloud out what really matters.  It is not lost on me that the theme of Cafe-Girl, the overwhelming goal to help all those who join in, is thriving artist, because that relates to my self-worth and belief in self, how many times have I been in the presence of those who degraded artists as less than, not important, as well as society's belief in that as well.  So, thus as the company found its brand, I claimed it for myself.  I realized and recognized that what my business needed was not a catchy slogan or posh advertisement, what it really and truly needed was me, in all my brokenness, authenticity, integrity, and honesty, not hiding the faults, the flaws, the darkness. showing how all of it, the good and the bad, makes up the thriving artist. 

Thriving doesn't mean fame and fortune, or even prosperity in the mere financial, it's about finding balance, wholeness, and peace in doing what you were born to do, that which makes you feel the most alive.  Even more so, it's in finding the art and the joy in the mundanity of life, such as the 9-5 jobs, the household chores like doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet bowl, or even paying the bills.  When viewed through this lens, life can be more than just a chore, but every minute of it an adventure.  That is truly what it means to thrive as an artist.

Added together, 2020 equals the number 4. In numerology, the number 4 stands for loyalty, patience, and justice.  I feel a sense of being solid, stable, and still which is perfect for this year 2020.  It is interesting that in a year with such much tumult and upheaval, we found ourselves at such a stand-still.  The lesson that could be gleaned from that is action can create distraction from the resolution, that all of our busyness in the years previous detracted us away from healing, and in having these distractions removed, we are left with the only thing that truly matters, ourselves.  Thus, we are faced with the most important task of 2020, healing within.

If you add up 2021, you get the number 5.  In numerology, the number 5 represents action and energy.  There is a curiosity to life and in that an excitement to explore and adventure.  With that as the emphasis, I think it pertinent to take the lessons learned in the stillness of 2020 to help empower 2021 to continue the thread of healing, but this time in an element of without.  That's right, after a year spent looking within and internally validating, now is the year to focus outward, to help heal, uplift, and help others thrive.  Let us remember as we healed and developed the inner, it was not done in a vacuum, there always has been a cloud of strong witnesses about to encourage, lift us when we are weakened, and keep us keeping on.

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year, dear ones, love your journey, love your thrive!

I want to hear your thoughts on what you learned in 2020.  Share below!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  To find out more about us, check out our website at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com and  offer your financial support, if you are so inclined, at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Solstice Reflections Upon 2020 & Beyond

Roar

2019 was the last year of my life. 

Thus, 2020 was the year I was truly born.

For 2019 was the final year that I allowed myself to be victimized,

held down, used, walked on, belittled with both anger and manipulation through others' jealousies or pain.

In short, 2019 was the last year I lived my life as a practicing codependent, relationship addicted, trauma and abuse victim.

No more! 

In 2020, I embraced  my power as I took it back dose by dose, little by little, increasingly cutting the toxic out of my life, walking away from that which and that whom wishes to destroy me, I allowed that element to wallow in their own path, sending out love that they would choose healing but releasing in the very real truth that their path and destiny is not my responsibility to serve.  

Thus, began the adventure of 2020.  Taking back my power revealed itself in a wide plethora of variety, from finding my financial stability and sense of self worth in that arena which afforded me a peace in my creative aspects and pursuits, and through all of that I was at last able to explore new avenues of health, not open to me in previous years, and find immense healing and expansion become my daily awareness.

My spiritual self aligned itself increasingly with my day to day, becoming infused with my work, my relationships, and all aspects of the material.

Through all of this, I was able to reframe my perspective on worth, which influenced my output into the world.  Increasingly, I no longer seek external validation but create, whether it is for online consumption, for myself, or for those closest to me, to create and for no other purposes.  Sort of like a 'damn the consequences' kind of thing, but the only consequence is joy in the doing and peace from the relief of the final product, no other damage done to self or others.

My relationship and connection to the Mother Earth has deepened in my appreciation and understanding of the lessons she teaches and the needs she requests.  In simple ways, such as selecting the living Christmas tree for my living room, I find the tree I form a relationship with, lovingly tending my victory garden and flower plants,  re-planting several baby oak trees during the horrible Phoenix-Talent fires, attending to the physical and emotional needs of my kitty daughter, Tansy as well as connecting to the dogs in my life, are some of the ways I find to gift she who has always been faithful to me in return.

Throughout this year of healing, I have learning the art of re-parenting myself and have realized that there is nothing scary or horrible about being an adult when seen through the joy of one's inner child.  I try each day to view the mundane aspects of being a grown up to something larger through that realm which helps me see the situation as a puzzle or game affording me better the ability to resolve the issue.  This new lease on life has strengthened my viewpoint of self and given me a new appreciation of my self worth.  Basically I feel worthy of receiving, of being alive.

So, what does this mean moving forward into 2021?  What's the overall theme, desire of my heart?  At last night's solstice bonfire, I wrote the word "suppression" down on a piece of paper and tossed it into the fire, a symbol of that that is the essence of what I want to release and transform out of in the coming months ahead.  No matter the external reality of this world, my wish for myself and for others is to move out of the codependent, people-pleasing false security that leaves me feeling numb, unheard, unsupported, unappreciated, unloved and more into the realm of being seen, heard, and validated. 

With the reality of the Jupiter and Saturn conjunction, The Christmas Star, is it were, in our night-sky during the Winter Solstice and Christmas season, it gives this desire, the growth, and the lessons of 2020 further soul development. From my readings on this phenomena, this is an occurrence that happens every 200 years.  The idea of Jupiter is one of authority, but more of in the realm of health, prosperity, and pleasure focus whereas Saturn's authority focus is on setting rules and limits.  I realize as I pass through the gateway provided by their nearness that these are two elements needed in my continual soul evolution.  For in continuing my journey as an emotional soul entrepreneur, both personally and professionally, I need to allow myself the freedom to explore all aspects of emotional growth but also be mindful of the necessity to set boundaries and guidelines for myself to ensure I accomplish what is needed and honor my relationships in a healthy way.

What are your thoughts on The Christmas Star and your overall year 2020? I would love to hear your thoughts below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Check out our brand new website at: 

www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com

www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

 

Evolving

Recently, I attended an event with the local film community which prompted an interesting revelation of my soul.  Increasingly in the past year, I have become more and more introverted and a self professed, dutiful homebody.  More-over, I have realized that I need not apologize for this lifestyle choice and yet I do find myself doing just that.  However, as I progress along my spiritual path, I am learning daily to practice self care necessary to maintain mental stability to achieve optimal emotional health and enhanced spiritual atonement.  Basically, as well as working several survival jobs, getting the production company thriving, focusing on my own artistic endeavors, that is my internal and most important focus.

So, at this film event, surrounded by the faces of beautiful souls who I had not seen in a minute, I was struck with the discovery of how my own self work and spiritual growth had changed my perspective.  For the record, I do see the value of attending such events as well as supporting my friends in their artistic endeavors of all sorts from a professional standpoint as well as of the heart.  However, I do find that my soul is one that needs a lot of down time to recover from the busyness and business of my life.  In every social situation, I pour outwards more than I internalize.  Added to that, I am currently in a major transitional position in my life that has me at times in an emotional precarious space of mind. 

So, back to the revelation:  My confidence and self worth had grown to such that I no longer felt the need to concern myself with the politics of the pursuit of being accepted.  So much of my life in the last few years has been weaning myself away from the toxic element in relationship and actively choosing the positive and pure.  This active choice has not only healed the intense damage from a lifetime of abuse but has provided me with the strength to endure the changing tides of life and love.

I realized that all this intense spiritual seeking has in fact provided me with a perspective change.  I no longer feel the necessity to 'play the game of politic' as a means to advance my career or approval rating.  I know it is a fashion of the industry I am in as well as a facet of our society, but what is occurring in me is taking me to a higher level.

To be honest, I am evolving. 

And, what is the catalyst that is causing this evolutionary growth spurt?

Love.  Simply love. 

Taking the space to heal and rest has provided me with an increased appreciation of myself, a strength to persevere, an ability to carry a soft heart with a thick skin when the slings of the narcissistic abuser tried to overtake, the increasing ability to choose to not fall sway to the power of the abuser and in a sense take back mine, and thus to continue to see the larger view of the world, the universe, life in all its finery and sometimes ugliness.  Actually in the ugly moments there is at times the most beauty because that is when we grow, heal, and learn. 

Evolve.

I want to express my humility and sincerity that I do not mean to place myself on a high altar.  I do not see myself better than anyone nor do I see my spiritual enlightenment as a means to show off.  We are all on our evolutionary process upwards, each at different levels of growth.

There is no race to the finish line, truly in love and honesty we must seek to assist others to grow more fully into their highest selves.

www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

www.cafegirlproductions.com

Healing 15, 23

Increasingly in my life recently, I have felt as if the veil has been lifted, between the physical and spiritual realm.  Fresh insights and understandings heighten my life as I encounter the occurrences of daily life.  The most meaningful lesson of my life thus far this year has been the experience of finding healing and freedom within different ages of me.  

For instance, having a showcase of my original play, One Of Us, performed at a local play-reading brought back into my life a friend and former flame from the time of life the play is very loosely based upon.  This relationship started around age 23 and by restoring a friendship with this man, this red-head, I have been able to re-examine the part of myself that once fell for him and the reasons behind the relationship's demise, namely the church's intrusion in the matters of my heart.  As I struggled with these feelings, my 23 year old self asserted herself.  

"Please," she explained.  "Just let me explore this without worry, concern, or influence.  I never got that before, its very therapeutic."

So, as a good enlightened older self, I listened and let her have it, and thus the healing has begun, then as it is now.  

This last Monday, March 4th, my poor 15 year old self was dealt a heart-break of her own kind.  One of her teen heart-throbs, Luke Perry, died of a massive stroke on that day, finding this out after a morning walk where the Universe gifted me with a stock pile of heart shaped rocks.  Love in abundance, let me tell you.  

 As the shock waves erupted over me due to that loss, I was once again back into the reality of my teenage self.  I meditated upon the significance of this show in my early life and how, like most things in my past, I have been afraid to proclaim my love of and admiration for it.  As I sat through my pain, my 15 year old came to me, distraught, sobbing, at a loss for words, insisting that I buy her '90210' t-shirts as a memorabilia.  I tried to explain that the finances were not really available for this special treat, but at 15 she was still not clear on the concept of finances and the issues surrounding money.  She sat begging before me, unable to understand her emotions.

My 23 year old self was a little more understanding.  She was a recent graduate of college, was working a full-time job, had rent, and other financial issues to attend to, so thus all she requested was to hang out with the boy, maybe to grab a cup of coffee or a drink with him sometime.  Okay, that's it.  We can do that.

But, as I looked over at my 15 year old self, I took all of her in, recalling everything that was her world back then.  She had already suffered the heartbreak of two boyfriends leaving her, one of which who had bounced into a relationship with her so-called best friend, maybe an hour after giving her the big dump.  One of her other friends had disappeared off to Chico with her boyfriend and just vanished from her life.  (You  have to remember this was basically pre-Internet or cellphone, so there was no real instant communication, unless face to face.)  Her siblings had all gone off to college, leaving her at home alone with her parents.  She was trapped up on a hill above a very small rural vineyard-filled town.  She was very much alone and very much depressed, and if she hadn't already, she had made her first suicidal gesture.  She'd spend much of June, laying in her bed, unable to move until 12:00 pm, when she would begrudgingly pull herself from bed, until the Prozac kicked in and elevated her mood, a bit, just a bit.  Beverly Hills, 90210 was more than an escape, but just as much apart of her understanding of the world as her physical surroundings.   Added to this, death is a lot more intense than having an old flame return to your life, especially to a young naive 15 year old girl who had yet to experience the reality of mortality.  

So, yeah, I gave in and bought her those t-shirts and immediately the crease in her brow relaxed, the crying lessened, she sighed deeply.  It wasn't that that I had spoiled her rotten, instead I had allowed her to feel heard, which made her feel she mattered, which lessened the extent of her far-reaching pain.  So much of her life, and mine, I have spent personally de-valuing me and allowing myself to be devalued by others, to not share myself in fear of being rejected, losing out on love.  That same day, I made the public announcement of my love for Beverly Hills, 90210, another facet of acknowledging my younger self and releasing myself and her from living in any sense of shame.

Its just a TV show after all, from the 90's.  But, the act of proclamation runs deeper than that.  Its proclaiming with pride who I am, what I value, and receiving love from those who equally value me.  Its allowing myself the freedom to express myself and the reassurance of being heard, thus my value and self-confidence grows exponentially.

When death comes in, I always am gifted with a valuable lesson by the one passing onward.  I feel grateful that by his passing, Luke Perry helped me to acknowledge a deeper love and appreciation for myself, a willingness to be open, vulnerable, and truthful.  Basically, allowing me to come into myself more fully and be truly me.  I am eternally grateful to him for that as well as the entire cast of my beloved teen favorite TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Rest In Power, Luke & much love to his cast-mates, many thanks, 15 year old Lia!

Death Is Nothing At All

The Healing In The Flood.

Vagina Diaries Day Fourteen

My MaskIt Commercial!

We all know of the discomfort during our monthly cycles, some have it worse than others, as is this case with me.  I have at times been unable to even move during the onset of the "great burden" of the uterus.  I have had a little bit of a reprise in the pain department in recent months, thankfully, barely feeling anything at all and then previous to that months where any kind of pain reliever was unable to soothe the dull screaming ache.  But, in whatever regards it comes, there is that amazing relief when the contractions give their final push and the blood releases itself into the pad.  Somewhat like that feeling when your heart releases a painful burden, going through the days, weeks, months of struggle like monthly contractions and then that final push and release, then, at last, freedom.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of 'release' because I've been finding myself in that place.  I no longer feel the constant strain of loss, the memories of pain and horror from my marriage, the overwhelming fear of what was coming back, no longer seems threatening even in flashback form.

But, recently, I've been feeling that sense of release, that amazing peace that comes from true healing and freedom.  In fact, instead of any feeling of loss or suffering, I now feel myself in a state of 'abundance' and 'prosperity', not merely in a financial state (for that's more gradual) but in all other facets of my understanding of self and identity.

For those of my loved ones and acquaintances in places of struggle and pain, hang in there during the time of contraction, it will pass.  Then, more than any sort of joy, there will be peace in that moment of final release.  And, life will move forward as never before, forever changed and forever made whole.

A Little Bit Stronger!

How I Got Free!

In a recent blog, I finally came out about my past experiences with a cult-experience, that of my time as a "member" of different Calvary Chapels.  I spoke of both the enjoyable experiences and also those not so enjoyable, those that helped me finally realize what CC had become, in short a cult.

I won't go into detail about how I discovered Calvary to be a cult, that story can be found under an entry under "My Story, My Words, At Last", but more importantly, I want to share my story of healing for those who have recently left Calvary or any other cult.  I know how painful those early steps away can be, not wanting to believe that something that seemed so good can actually be so destructive.  Actually, it took about four years after leaving Calvary, to finally find peace and healing from the disastrous effect, to finally let my mind be cleansed from the mind-control.

Looking back, my recovery seemed to parallel from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, although during the height of my withdrawal period, I did not see it this way.  I only knew at the time that I was struggling to find answers to what I went through, to feel not so alone, and to discover some form of closure to that part of my life.

To start with, I believe I went through these steps either all at once or went back and forth through them as I struggled to find healing.  The first step is denial and isolation.  Both in the final days of life at Calvary and the immediate days afterward, I did not want to believe what my heart, my soul, my God was revealing to me.  I wanted to keep Calvary in that warm, fuzzy place it had been in the early days...didn't want to see the truth that was revealed to me as I got deeper and deeper into the organization.  Then, as the days and years passed, came anger, anger at the time lost while belonging (or not really belonging but trying to), anger at the corruption and mind control, anger at my friends still involved, and then anger at how these same friends are still involved and my wanting to help them find freedom.

With the step of bargaining, I do not see how that fits in with my recovery other than with trying to convince my Calvary Chapelite friends to break free themselves, which in part, led to my depression and heartbreak of losing said friends.  But also there was a mourning, a loss of childhood as it were, a time in my life, as I have said, that seemed good, even beautiful, that turned into a nightmare, of sorts.

Finally, true freedom and healing came not in revenge as I had thought during the times I fell back into the anger phase, but in acceptance of what was and is, and then forgiveness for all of it.  This came through two unique sources, a woman pastor at a church I attended who spoke of her time in a fundamentalist based church and a former room-mate.  This pastor spoke about how, in the end, she sees the time spent in that church as beneficial because it taught her another view of God.  The room-mate, when I was mentioning how much I wanted to "save my friends from being saved", quietly told me not to worry because all people have their paths.

In those two beautiful women, I found the pathway to healing, acceptance, and forgiveness which led, at once, to freedom.  I now hold no regrets or anger towards my time at Calvary, or hold any ill-will to the pastors or the members, for they are human beings, flawed as we all are and as mentioned earlier, they have their paths to follow as we all do.  In that freedom, I can finally now offer love and support to those still involved, in a true non-judgmental way, as well as to those in the process of breaking free.  I believe, wholeheartedly now, that love is the answer and the divine source that binds us all, heals us all, and brings true connection for us all.

I hope this entry helps bring healing and understanding, enlightenment to your own path towards freedom, gentle reader.  Below, I have attached links to several other ex-Calvary members who have written about their process to healing.  Furthermore, I know there are many who feel the need to bring about retribution for the abuse done by Calvary, I can only say I stand behind their efforts completely, though that is not my destiny.  My desire is to love, help heal, and stand beside those others who have broken free, in any possible way.

Break Away

A beautifully written blog by a fellow ex-Calvary member.  I have been inspired by how gracious she writes of her past experience but with truthful insight and integrity.
http://www.elizabethesther.com/2011/01/why-we-left-calvary-chapel-costa-mesa.html

A dear friend's account of his revelations as a CC member and how he broke free.
http://www.metroactive.com/papers/sonoma/04.02.98/calvary-9813.html

7 Days of Gratitude, Day Three

7 Days of Gratitude, Day Three

1.) for hunger & the ability to fill my belly with good food & the availability of choices that I have

2.) for my financial process & steps towards independence & wealth

3.) for finding people, randomly & otherwise, who believe in me & tell me in so many ways to keep trying & following my dreams

4.) for divine appointments

5.) for Tansy, who is sometimes sweet because she wants my food & is sometimes sweet because she just is

6.) for classic movie stars, like Lauren Bacall, who defined Hollywood as a place of true acting as an art & as a place of ethics (not true anymore) who, in a sense, did it because they love it & we all seem to hold onto, pine for that era today

7.) for the slight randomness of meeting a Hollywood producer & LA actor on a street corner in Ashland at 11:00 at night, sitting on the sidewalk, doing cement yoga, talking about black Virgin Marys, the pope, Italian food which caused my mouth to water & my tummy to rumble, & a crazy cult leader from the 1970s who lived in Oregon

8.) for old memories that are good even when later on those relationships went sour & for a new life with new memories shared & made

9.) for inside jokes

10.) for the donkey who got fed yesterday

11.) for all the old crushes & lovers who "got away"

12.) for Eckhart Tolle & more importantly for the new ways I am starting to understand the divine (which isn't really new) & for the healing its bringing to my soul & heart

Moths to Blessings

Well, its been an awfully long time since I have transcribed words across this 'here blog' and yet I am a little unsure of what to write.

A lot has happened in my life since the last entry, as in I finished the aforementioned play, which birthed into Scrooge, A Magical Musical, which in a way solidified my calling as an actress & singer, and inspired the impulse to keep writing--as in an idea for a screenplay floated through my consciousness during that production, mainly something along the lines of "A Twisted Meg Ryan Movie".  Very shortly I will once again trespass across the boards at 'Ye Ole Randall Theatre" in the upcoming production of "The Elephant Man!"

But, what I really have been thinking of late is how finding my calling has brought such transformation and healing into my life.  In fact, the word for 2012, regardless of the "meme" for that year, for me personally, is "Redemption".  And, in a sense, because of all that transpired in that year, I find myself truly understanding that word in its fullest sense, even though I have studied the very word for many a year now.

Because of my getting back into the wonderful world of the stage, I truly found healing, more of which than ever possible on the couch of a psychotherapist!  I've learned the value of honoring your word & keeping to your commitments.  I've learned that the heart is wide & accepting of so much love, if you allow it--and even, that I am a time-lady, truly, and have the capacity to love more than one, and yet still honoring the one my heart, mind, & soul is bethrothed.

I've realized what it means to be truly, "In God's Will"--to truly "step out in faith, follow his leading, & trust".  I've seen God work, provide, move, and do miracles in many of my friends lives, from being brought back from the brink of death and the list goes on...and on...and on...

Its not all been easy, and I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, but I am grateful for each step, each moment---if only for the amazing friends that have become family in my life now, and the lessons of love that have been brought my way.

Daily I am astounded by the beauty & love that I am blessed with, by the people God surrounds me with!

I pray every day for God to continue to "push my boundaries further" so I can know more of the great love He has for me & venture into more & more places to discover more of myself & be me to my fullest potential!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

The Fire of Refinement: Conformed to His Likeness

Have you, of lately, had your spiritual thirst quenched by the Lord's springs of goodness?  Has your soul found satiation with the richness of his sustenance?

I strive each morning to fill myself up with the Spirit of the Most Holy so that as I go about my day, I can pursue that of which will bring me peace in my daily routine and struggles, all the while giving him honor in my diligence to serve him in small ways.  In this spiritual filling, I can choose to pour out that water of life upon the thirsty souls and hearts of those I come across in my walk.

Blessed am I to trust, for in hard times and trials is when my heart will be refined.  Lately, the words, restoration, repentance, and refinement, pop up in my daily studies of scripture and prayer; my thoughts on this is that I shall soon, and presently, go through a period of spiritual cleansing, freeing my heart from pride, anger, selfishness, in short, my ego.  Through this divine healing, I shall rest in the presence of the Holy One, in knowing that I shall be made into the likeness of Christ, something pure, a diamond.

Refinement, for me, is the process of learning to trust and obey, as he walks me through hardships and leads me faithfully through uncharted territories. 

I need not fear the purification that shall come for, yes, I  have struggled and gone through darkness of the soul, mind, and heart in recent time, where, at times, I could not see or feel God's presence, yet He was there in the midst of my despair.  In time, he brought me out of the pit and set my feet on stable ground.

So, the momentary afflictions that He will toss my way are only that, temporary.  In these moments, I can truly trust that He is with me and has, for himself, suffered far greater troubles on my behalf.  I pray that I will have the grace of God, the strength afforded to me because of the cross, to abide, trust, and watch and pray.

Today, let us all confess our transgressions so that we can know true forgiveness and find healing, truly coming to know the freedom we are all meant to have, in Christ.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Self-Analysis

I sit here, contemplating the words to fill this screen, drinking cheap yet tasty shiraz, and chatting online with my once upon a time (yeah, like two weeks) Italian Amore.  (He looked a lot like Matthew McConnahey, but even better...)

Truly, this last year has been a year of rebirth, finding myself, and, as the word that keeps swimming through my synapses: Breaking free...

Breaking free from the overly-hyped formats of organized religion, parental controls even in adulthood (yikes), and a not so present past, that now, despite years of trying, I have finally found my healing.

It has come about in so many ways, such as the God that these religious denominations tried to force on me yet found Him in my own way, and finding my back to childhood passions that have now become real....

Like finding old friends and flames...and finding and making ones.

Theatre and acting was always a dream of mine, yet I set out for it in what I now realize was the wrong direction.  I went in searching of fame, fortune, glory...and through rejection, heartache, and disenchantment, I found myself, my passion, my purpose...which led me back to the world of the stage, surprisingly, without much effort.  As I said, when my darling love and I came together in the art of matrimony, we decided we would never let each other stand in the way of our dreams...(Don't let this "arthitus" stand in your way...) so, in climbing back on 'the boards', it was not just a dream, cause I had long since given up hope of fame and seek only a peaceful life with my love and two kitties (and little children...soon), it was to conquer the old fears and to prove to myself that I actually could do it....and I did.  Hell, a fear years ago, when I was "bipolar", I was walking up in front of a group of people, telling them how messed up I had been and was and how I pulled myself out of it, etc etc etc....so, dressing up as a hooker, not a problem!

I didn't expect the blessings and love I got from it.  The friendships, the intense healing, not just in doing the play, but in getting to know the character.

And, I realize the art of theatre is not in the applause, not in having one's name up in lights, but, as in every day life, in the personal growth and healing of the character and the actress...and its in the relationship with self, others, and the creator...in making the difference in the world so as to leave it a better place...

Isn't that how we all want to be remembered? That we left the world a better place, a little brighter, a little more love left after we have exited stage left...the knowledge that we have brought a "lite" to someone's eyes!

A Breathe of Life; A Quiet Repose: the Mystery at Work

I find myself lately getting lost in the chaos of life, do you?  Whether it be illness, financial difficulties, emotional trauma, busyness with work or household duties, at times it feels difficult to keep up and maintain a semblance of peace within myself, and therefore, I forget to take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment, and relax in knowing that somehow, someway, it all gets done.  And in the end, the details of life are of less importance than the relationships we form, the blessings from our creator that enrich our lives.  And truly, if we invest in that which is of eternal value, relationships to God, our loved ones, ourselves, aren't we of much more value for the mundane?

There is a saying in the world of the theatre, when all is said in done, worries about opening night and how it all comes through, it eventually does and with more grandeur and element of surprise than what was ever imagined.  In short, "It's a mystery!"

And so too, in our spiritual walks, however that may come about, we find in trusting ourselves into the hands of the divine, we are blessed with the infinite knowledge that everything will work out in the way it is supposed to, and with precious hopes that we will come away as unscathed as possible.

Truly one of the blessings of meeting my love, my partner, my best friend for life is that he encourages me, as I him, to follow and pursue our dreams and in the end, it is that which preserves our relationship, as we seek out to define ourselves apart from each other, we are brought even closer by the depths of our own understanding, an appreciation of the trust of letting ourselves be.  For, as I am learning as of late, in every relationship there is a natural ebb and flow of closeness which seeks to help us to breathe, step back, and come together again with renewed love and interest.  I am speaking not merely of my partner in crime and life, but also in the friendships and loyalties of my true friends, (Reader: you know who you are!)

So, my message, mostly for myself, and perhaps can be of benefit to you, may you follow your dreams for the wellbeing of your own psyche, spiritual growth, and that of your most cherished and deepest loves, relationships.

“Do the thing you love more than anything in life! You might become a bit unpredictable, sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible.”

Remember, in taking this step to personal growth and pursuing our dreams, we do find the chance to breathe in life, repose, and allow the mysteries and blessings of life to awaken us to health, happiness, and spiritual wellbeing.

The Meaning of a Day, and how it all worked out in the end...

So, lately, I have been running around to food banks and such, providing food, presents, and what have you for my little family, and some bills have been paid off because of that.....On top of all that, I have been looking for work, but still focusing on this potential tutoring job I had in Medford, but not holding my breath because that job seemed a little off....not knowing how stressed I was...how tired I would wake up in the morning after sleeping 8+ hours, how it took me a couple hours just staring into space to get ready in the morning.....

Tuesday, I drove out to this far away place called Williams for what seems like a wonderful almost full time but perfect for my stressload job, organic gardening for the purpose of  medicinal purposes.  It was a great interview, I even shared a little of why I believe in organic and healthy diet because of my history of bipolar...and how that has helped me get off some of the psychotropics...and shared how, for some odd twist of fate, I took these three business classes at Empire in Santa Rosa in an area that they were looking for in their field, yet have hardly set foot or have scant experience with office type situation, a volunteer job here, a few months there...what have you...but I felt a connection with those interviewing me and I left, praying for clear way home although I was low on gas, but with a sense of warmth in my heart...knowing that by friday I would know, but even if I didn't have it, I might surely have this part time job as a tutor...

well, then I ran out of gas, and because God is amazing, he provided the right people to help me get what I needed, with what I had left in my checking account to get two gallons of gas to get home, but was unable to get the money to get gas before leaving for the tutoring the next day, so was late, missed the appointment with the student, but cried hysterically to the school all the way because I was late (maybe that was a mistake) and got there, no one was there, there was no arrangement for me to even tutor, called the child's momma, got a voice mail which I said I would be available to tutor the next day...and went home feeling like all was well....

Woke up this morning, got some money for my husband to get gas, oil, and drove to Medford early to run some errands....when my car broke down, I mean, stalled, I mean, would start, then stop, then start, until it just seemed to collapse...So, through the course of a miracle of Medfordites (who really aren't bad people) they just live in a bad town, I found what seem like God-fearing tow truck drivers and auto repairers and got taken personally to work where upon checking my email I received this from my boss:

Hello Lia

Club Z Tutoring will no longer need your services in Medford. Please cease and desist any contact with students, Medford School District and Howard ES school officials immediately.

Thanks for your effort and good luck.

Neil

Well, this seemed a little bit strange.  I wrote back that I had in fact gotten to school on time for today's session, after dealing with my car breaking down, apologized for seeming inconsistent or unprofessional, and pretty much was a swell girl about all of that....seems like most people I talk to are seeing that this guy was the one that goofed up and tried to put all the blame on me...Oh well....maybe tomorrow the job in Williams will open up...and about our car...something will work out...

After losing that job, well, there was a moment of shock, since I really feel I did my best, and even one of the students' parents seems to still like me, but then peace...I wouldn't have the stress to think if I was going to work that week or if this boss of mine was coming through...it was over...so then I walked to the mechanic and got the time to rest and practice my lines and songs for the play and just feel happier and more at peace, less stressed, than I have in a long time.....

And when I think of how God came through this week, with the food boxes, free Christmas presents for my neices, yes, truly, ways for my husband and I to get stuff for ourselves, healing in my life and my marriage, and oh my goodness, free clothes...not just any free clothes...but really cool free clothes and shoes....and isn't that pure joy, girls?

So, what I learned from all this stress is to let the things that matter work themselves out and to let everything else fall by the wayside, to trust as so many people told me this week, "everything is going to work out" because it eventually does, in one way or another.....and God is the great provider and will do miracles if you just faithfully seek and trust him...

So, God, I love you, I trust you, and I place my heart in your hands once again.

Good night all and have a pleasant tomorrow...and a merry Christmas.

Day Twelve: God the Healer: Blessed by His Love

                                                           Day Twelve

                           "with which he has blessed us in the Beloved" Ephesians 1:6


As we talked yesterday about the glorious grace we have in God through Christ, we can also be assured of the blessing we have of God's love for us because we are in his beloved.  His beloved is his precious son, Jesus Christ, who paid the ultimate sacrifice so that we may be called the beloved of the Father and have an intimate communion and eternal relationship with him.  As I remind you we are sons, daughters, princes, princesses, because of the love the Father has for us to send us his son that he may purge the world of sin, for our behalf.

And, dear ones, it is because he loves us we can understand that when Christ went to his death, we took his place as the beloved of God, attaining his righteousness and his sonship.  The love he freeily poured out on his son, he continually pours out on us and we can rest in his promises that the riches of heaven can be freeily disposed upon us.

In your heart of your hearts, try to understand the depth of love the Father has for you, to make you his beloved.  It is the greatest relationship that you can attain; the one that can bring the most peace.  The one relationship that won't betray or leave you.

Today, I challenge you to praise God for this love and then to ask in faith, as He has called you to pray, that he will pour down those riches from heaven that you may acquire that peace, that security, healing, and strength needed to go forth from this place.

"So we do not lose heart.  Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us and eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.  For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."  2 Corinthians 4:16-18

God The Healer: Day Three: God is with you

Day Three

“Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ, by the will of God” Ephesians 1:1

I believe wholeheartedly that recovery can only come through the work of the Lord working in us and revealing to us our shortcomings and sin. God alone can take a hurting lonely person and transform them into one that is whole, healthy, and of use to the kingdom of heaven. Furthermore, you need God to make you a new person

If in the midst of your pain and suffering you feel distance from the Lord, know that He is Emmanuel, God with us. Trust in the promise of Jesus’ words that He will never leave you nor forsake you. Trust in His words in Matthew 28:20, “And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” He is the eternal present and is with you right now in this moment. Study Philippians 4:6-7, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Believe that God has sent the Holy Spirit to dwell within you and He will bring to your remembrance the truths that you need for each moment. Pray these promises and scriptures into your heart so they can become the air that you breathe.

Now, turn to Psalm 139:7-12 and meditate on the meaning of these verses, what God is speaking to you. Then, cry out to the Lord and ask for relief from your pain. Be honest, for he hears you and is attentive to your cry.

“Where can I go from Your Spirit?

Or where can I flee from your presence?

If I ascend into heaven, You are there;

If I make my bed in hell behold, You are there.

If I take the wings of the morning,

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,,

Even there your hand shall lead me,

And your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on

me,”

Even the night shall be light about me;

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,

But the night shines as the day;

The darkness and the light are both alike

to You.

Psalm 139:7-16

Write out your prayer on the lines below.

“The Lord is near to those who have a broken-heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

Laying it all down

If you have been a faithful reader, which chances are you haven't because,well, I'm quite verbose and go on and on...but hey, maybe slowly those that notice trickle in, and I know you secretly care, but are too busy to put in the effort, and I salute you for the personal efforts you put into your journeys...it all works together for good, we are a team, we work together, whether the distance separates us, we are connected by the spirit so that whatever the calling, therefore we are together doing the work side by side....all have a calling and a purpose on their lives...

But, if you have been reading, you know that I have once again picked up the mantle of a little bit of the ol' crazies, as we shall call them, the mind swirling crazies, and my marriage has at seemed in jeopardy.  But, by the grace of God, things seem to be falling into place, friends that really matter are forgiving and coming back, even after my pride got in the way of my heart towards them, services for my personal health, medical/mental, are opening doors for me, and jobs keep appearing then disappearing and sooner or later the perfect one that meets all me needs will fall into my lap.  I don't want to appear too desparate, but must trust in the Lord for his security, which is a challenge.

So, those of you who are reading this daily, and for those of you who just peeked in, I am on a new quest for healing, and a new journey towards creativity is part of that; writing this blog, getting parts in plays, etc.  But, one thing that stays with me is that I must not loose sight of the Lord or I shall be trampled over by own temptation and pride.  Besides this,  my husband and I have been meeting each other in a quiet time of prayer, just listening to the Lord's direction for our life as individuals and as a couple.  As the sermon spoke to me today, overlaying the hope of Christ is more important than the hope of saving my marriage, yet with that hope my marriage will be sanctified.  Daily, I constrain to lay it all down for my husband and be a submissive wife.

But, several messages spoke to me through Pastor Bill's sermon (yeah, my pastor's name is bill too), first if my hope is set on the return on Christ it will energize me to do the things of the Lord.  Then, in order to be a living vessel for  him, I need to be cleansed from my wickedness and make healthy decisions that can prepare my heart for every good work.  For my heart can turn to wickedness without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and my weakness is anger.  So, I surrender every day for the strength of the Lord to give me self control from my anger, from my wicked thoughts or the crazies, so that I may be "the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently, enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness."

For, as this sermon, pointed out, we live in the dark times of the end.  And if we don't have the overlay of hope on our hearts to shine on the world, we won't be able to save those that are blind to destruction to come.  I want to be one that can have that hope clearly seen through me that can attact others to their maker, their true love, the one who completes their heart (You do the math to whom I am talking about).  I want to save much alive.

So, I pray and surrender that I will be clear headed, less stubborn, God focused, with a sense of hope in dark days whether it be in my marriage with our own imperfections or our financial woes or the days to come.  For even those outside the faith of Jesus see the signs, they are talking about the New World Order, the Bilderbergers, etc wanting to take over control and assert world dominance.  Oh so much is going on, concentration camps, guillitines, lowering world population, chem trails, etc.  And, my dear pilgrims, it scares them for they have nowhere to run, really, but the hills and hide.

However, in my heart, when I fear, there is one place I run, when I am scared, I turn to my Jesus and the Holy Spirit comes in and overlays that spirit of Hope upon me.  I can rest in that.  Can you?

So, I challenge you today, to search out your heart, what are you most fearful of?  Surrender it, lay it aside, and lean on the hope found only in God.  The dark days are coming in our own hearts and in this world, without delay today, place your hope in not what you see but in your faith, for that will carry you through.

And as I walk through my valley of healing from the crazies of my mind and heart, praying for healing for myself and my husband, I know that with the strength and hope of the Lord we shall come through this time with his healing, and that even during the darkness of the valley he will be there...

Yes, this world will go through dark times, and it may not be the tea partiers or the occupiers who save the world, it may only be one man who can in one instance silence all rebellion....do you know his name?  Call on him.

Lay it all down, aside all that so easily ensnares and run to your creator, whatever that may be for you, for he alone is our source of hope, and cling to that hope eternal...that alone will carry you through the dark times of your own soul and the times this would is about to go through.

Dear friend and fellow pilgrim, march on with faith and diligence, with hope and prayer....

And, pray for me, that in my healing, I will have the strength to be a light for the truth, and many will run to that healing power.