When I say Vagina....

Vagina Diaries Day Nineteen

What do you think?

Okay, I hope by now you all get it that my usage of the term "Vagina" doesn't necessarily just mean
our beautiful organ between our legs, that that is merely only a part of this journey we travel together.

No, as I realized once again last night at rehearsal, the "Vagina" in this study represents the desire to be seen as more than just an object, to not be pushed aside by society, or put into a category of weaker or less important.  This journey of getting to know and appreciating our Vaginas as more than just the "moist cavity" is that of getting to know our true selves and living that proudly before the world.  In turn, helping others to appreciate their true beauty, strength, and power.

So, when I say, "look at my Vagina", I truly mean to look, study, examine, and to take fully in and appreciation and love of self.  To truly develop an innermost depth of knowledge for one's entire being and to live that loudly before the world, in that discovery, finding your true destiny and place in the world, moving forward with renewed purpose and vigor.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror of your soul; learn to feel comfortable with who you really are and finally to love that person that you see.  That is my hope for myself on this study, that daily as I journey into self-knowledge I would emerge at the end fully in love with who I am first and foremost, letting go of all baggage that says otherwise.

Meet Yourself in the Mirror

If you haven't donated yet, help my beloved friend, Jackie, discover her own self-worth and learn to love herself!

Help Jackie!

Wasn't I just talking about this?

Vagina Diaries Day Eighteen

Well, maybe it was a couple days ago, but wasn't I discussing the value and importance of the wonderful pubic hair, as un-glamorous as it may appear yet actually a vital part of the health of the victorious vagina?

Someone posted this on facebook and I thought it rather amusing, not only because of the synchronicity of this study, but also because I find it hard to believe that such a bushy pube was ever the fashion.  As of today, the allure is that of the hairless variety, mainly in the realm of the porn star or those who aspire to be.  Although I do know a few girls who keep themselves hair-less, for the sole purpose of health-related issues, (in-grown hairs being the root cause, yes, pun intended!)  But I speak for most women and men, when I say the completely hairless pussy is the least desirable for a plethora of reasons while the neatly trimmed look strongly outweighs the "bush" of the seventies.

One reason being, the chafing that comes about not just when wearing clothes but also when "fooling around".  Plus, in general the lack of protection to the "down-there" region when it comes down to it, as my character's monologue in the Vagina Monologues describes in her story of miserable plight.

As she says, hair is the "leaf around the flower", there for protection.  Moreover, you cannot love the vagina if you don't love hair.

What, dear reader, do you think? To hair or not to hair?

(I will admit the vajeweled look seems rather appealing, if it can be proved cost-effective.)

Aside note, if you haven't donated yet, here's your chance to help Jackie find out the glories or lack thereof of hair on her brand-stinking new vag of her own.  Click the link below!

Help Jackie Get Her Vag!

I had to touch it!

Vagina Diaries Day Seventeen

Okay, I have to admit this: after all these days passed of emotional enlightenment and self-growth when it comes to that oh so vital & loved organ, the VAGINA, I must confess the icky, awkward feeling when I had to not only touch it but stick my fingers inside of it.

Why did I have to do this, you ask?

Because, I tell you, after finally starting my period the day after healing from the flu (Thank you, Uterus!), I am trying out this brand-new feminine protection called "Soft-Cups".  See, most of my life I've had to wear the jumbo pads, because any kind of stick in device, such as tampons in various forms my vagina rejects.  But, I'd thought I'd give these new things a try and so far so good, everything's looking pretty ship-shape in that department.  (PSA: All women and girls still bleeding should use this amazing new product as well as the wonderful MaskIt!)

MaskIT!

So, this morning I had to pull this little cup out of my vagina in order to change it out...and...well, it was gross.  Between that oh so fishy-like smell, the squishy inside feeling of myself, and the blood all over my fingers, I re-coiled a bit.  Then, felt a little shame upon realizing all this self-love and appreciation of my vagina and the result is still fear to touch the darn thing.

Well, its a journey in the end of self-love, after years of self-vaginal loathing, is sometimes long and arduous, two steps forward and one step back, until the final resting place of acceptance and lasting peace.

Oh, and if you haven't donated yet, click the link below and help Jackie discover the wonders of vaginal love in all its glories and not so nice moments:

Help Jackie Get Her Vagina!

My Vagina, The Divine

Vagina Diaries Day Sixteen

I recently started a forty day devotional journey entitled, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up".  (A Side Note: Not being a Catholic or Episcopalian and therefore not familiar with Lent, I somehow end up picking up 40 day devos during this time-period, coincidence?)  Even though I'm currently on "Day Two", I already like the language of the writer as she is not only using the feminine gender to identify "GOD" but also using the idea of the "divine within", a concept that flies in the face of my fundamental teaching I so narrowly escaped from but moreover a truth that is bringing such immense freedom and healing to my entire being.

Today's focus was on the viewpoint of Trust, not to trust in the relationships with others but in one's own relationship with God(dess), the divine within, and also that of the divine in others.  In that, trusting becomes lasting and something of which we can rely upon to bring fulfillment.

Meditating upon this and thinking about what to write in today's Vagina diary, a facebook friend posted this:

So, with these words fresh in mind coupled with the realization of the trusting the divine within, I started thinking about the nature of my vagina.

Looking at it in recent months, I've often thought of it as unattractive or even non-existent, something I try hard to forget about, usually unsuccessfully.  In that, view of ugliness is the realization of that I do not truly understand my vagina.  It is not just a mere organ on my body, a moist cavity between my legs, but a living vital aspect of myself, a part of my divinity.

In that, I discover an amazing surge of beauty and strength.  It is there that a large degree of my hope and empowerment resides and rests.  As I discover this beauty, not only does the health of my vagina flourish (haven't had a yeast infection in many years) but also my health of self, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and even physically deepens.

So, if you ladies out there still find this part of you dark, dirty, even ugly, I urge you to reflect on my discoveries and spend some time with your vagina, and see what you discover.  I hope you find the freedom, healing, and enlightenment I have discovered.

Help Jackie Find Her Vagina!

Spirit of Sandy

Hi! I'm Sandy, married to Max Stevens, yeah the crazy cop, and mother of two growing teenage boys.  You can barely imagine I have my hands full with all the male energy running about in my life!
But, for the most part, I'm happy.  Well, for the most part.

I was blessed and cursed with an older sister, Sugar, who I loved very deeply but also secretly resented.  Despite that, I developed a deep family loyalty to her as well as her to me, as much as she could.  My sister, Sugar, beautiful and charismatic as she was, was also deeply troubled and tons of personal issues throughout her life.  She died two years earlier, a moment in time I will never forget when a part of my heart was lost forever.

Twenty-four years ago, Sugar divorced her husband, Daric, of only a few years and moved to Los Angeles to pursue her dreams of stardom as a singer, dancer, and performer extraordinaire.  Before leaving, she confided in me of her pregnancy and swore me never to tell Daric of this fact.  A beautiful, bouncing baby boy, Jimmy, was born nine months later in California, Daric never found out about the truth.

During his childhood, I felt more of a stable mother figure to Jimmy than Sugar whose life-style appeared to be very loose, to put it nicely.  When not in school, Jimmy spent most of his life visiting our family in upstate New York and even spent a few years in school with us, before heading off to college.

The best thing about Sugar's parentage was that all her financial wealth and gain went to the care of Jimmy, after her death all of the leftover funds in her will went to providing Jimmy's college tuition...until recently.

The funds have run out...with only a year of his schooling to go before graduation.  Frantic to finish but without knowing how to pay the debt, Jimmy turns to drastic measures, selling his pharmaceutical medicines to get by.  In order to save him from serious crime, Max and I decide to take matters into our own hands, which means contacting Daric for help as father.

Feeling a bit of remorse over having to do this since I promised my sister he would never find out, I seek desperately for alternatives, finding none.  But, just before heading to New York City to speak with Daric, feeling broken-hearted, Sugar visits me from beyond the grave and assures me that I am doing the right thing, even saying that she will help resolve the situation smoothly.

Not knowing what she meant by that, (however used to my sister's enigmatic ways), but feeling comforted, I head to New York City.

To find out what happens, come to the Playwright's Atelier Monday, January 26th at 7 pm at the Ashland Public Library.

Sandy is based on a character from Phil Loveless's play, "Spirit of Sugar."  Loveless is a local Southern Oregonian playwright.

There's Power in the Pussy!

Vagina Diaries Day Fifteen

Sorry for the delay but I have been a bit under the weather the last two days, am still recovering, from the shivering affects of the flu.  Dagnabit!  Thus, its been a struggle to string coherent words together to form sentences as I lay shaking underneath the covers waiting for the fever to subside.  Today, I am a bit better and able to write something, even if the sense of it is not too clear.

Is it just mere coincidence or a synchronicity but recently on facebook I've noticed a lot of quotes and posts referring to the great V; comments of which are helping me gain insight into this reflective study I am on.

The other day I found an interesting post on facebook of a quote by the Great Betty White.  It referred to the weakness of the male anatomy and the strength of it's female counterpart.

After reading the entire book, The Vagina Monologues", written, comprised (originally performed by) Eve Ensler (the actual book, not the script), I can actually understand just what the "pounding" the Vagina does indeed take.  Its not just a mere sexual reference either, although that thought did cross my mind, dirty that it is, with delightful glee and longing.  But, so much abuse is forced upon women both physically and emotionally, as I am sure in other ways, throughout every society and in every country.  Even more than rape, there is the practice of clitoral circumcision, women in some countries such as Afghanistan are forced to hide their bodies or face severe beatings,  and so many more emotional disturbances that affects the entire psyche and life of the woman, thus perpetrating itself into the very heart and soul of every women kind, for we all are connected.

And, it is together, we fight.  And in that, together we survive.

For coming out of an abusive marriage myself, I have looked around and become acquainted with other woman of similar past situations, all of them seem not only to have a sense of resignation but also one of vast internal strength.  Yet, if asked, they wouldn't think of themselves as having strength, but really in just doing what needed to be done at the time.  And, in that there is strength.

So, yeah, the vagina takes a beating.  As our favorite Golden Girl said,

"If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina!"

Help Jackie Grow A Vagina!

The Healing In The Flood.

Vagina Diaries Day Fourteen

My MaskIt Commercial!

We all know of the discomfort during our monthly cycles, some have it worse than others, as is this case with me.  I have at times been unable to even move during the onset of the "great burden" of the uterus.  I have had a little bit of a reprise in the pain department in recent months, thankfully, barely feeling anything at all and then previous to that months where any kind of pain reliever was unable to soothe the dull screaming ache.  But, in whatever regards it comes, there is that amazing relief when the contractions give their final push and the blood releases itself into the pad.  Somewhat like that feeling when your heart releases a painful burden, going through the days, weeks, months of struggle like monthly contractions and then that final push and release, then, at last, freedom.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of 'release' because I've been finding myself in that place.  I no longer feel the constant strain of loss, the memories of pain and horror from my marriage, the overwhelming fear of what was coming back, no longer seems threatening even in flashback form.

But, recently, I've been feeling that sense of release, that amazing peace that comes from true healing and freedom.  In fact, instead of any feeling of loss or suffering, I now feel myself in a state of 'abundance' and 'prosperity', not merely in a financial state (for that's more gradual) but in all other facets of my understanding of self and identity.

For those of my loved ones and acquaintances in places of struggle and pain, hang in there during the time of contraction, it will pass.  Then, more than any sort of joy, there will be peace in that moment of final release.  And, life will move forward as never before, forever changed and forever made whole.

A Little Bit Stronger!

The "Curse" Approaches!

Vagina Diaries Day Thirteen

Well, maybe I shouldn't label it as the "curse", if you couldn't figure out what I am referring to, I mean the woman's monthly, or to be blunt, my period.

My Maskit Commercial!

First off, why am I referring it to the "curse?"  Not because of some connection to the religious doctrine of previous years where Eve's "sin" caused all of us women to be forever endowed with the pains of childbirth and monthly bleeding, blues, and bitchiness but more so because the week-long bleeding (give or take a few days) will interfere with my newfound pleasure in wearing sexy underwear (see: g-string or as my boyfriend happily refers to it as "butt floss") and also will interfere with, well, my sex-life.  (I kid you not, I take lots of pleasure in making love with my 56 year old boyfriend, with age comes experience and vast degrees of knowledge, if you catch my drift.)

But, when it comes down to the spiritual and emotional side of things, should I really refer to this monthly cycle as a "curse"?  Can I, despite the pain and other discomforts, see some kind of blessing in it?

Usually, at least part of me, does not see it as "a curse".  For me, as an empath, I am highly intuitive both physically and emotionally to the bodies of other women around me, be it close sister-friends or acquaintances of sorts walking by, in that I can feel almost instantly the cramps in my very own uterus that they are feeling (maybe not to the same degree) and also going so far as having my cycles linking up with those closet to me.  See, my best friend in college and I both share a "special" memory of bemoaning over mutual cramps while pigging out on cheap pizza and watching movies late into the evening because we couldn't sleep.  Also, when I was in high school and a camp counselor, where all the women counselors had their periods synched during the full moon (poor male counselors, really) but that was a major turning point for me in the understanding of the feminine connection!

So, for that reason, I should treasure the monthly cycle, taking precautions to keep off the pain for the most part, as a vital aspect of the feminine divine connection, or in lay-women's terms....Girl Power!

Girl Power!

Pathways In Our Minds

Vagina Diaries Day Twelve

Recently, a local long-time drug store in my town, that has been around for longer than anyone can remember, moved into another location, this only a minor shock that caused an earthquake of wonderment throughout the community.  OMG, Ashland Drug is moving! Why?

For me, I have more personal history with this city locale, for it was my first official place of work while in college, every Tuesday evening from 4:45-9:00, I would stare blankly into space trying to think of something to do, this after dusting the entire front part of the store, my section, and, of course, re-arranging the beanie babies (so very very popular at the time) into a myriad of different combinations on the shelves, then staring out into the inky black night of the city, passersby flowing by reveling in their freedom while I counted the minutes slowly to mine.  (It is a fact of my life that as an actress my fall-back job is childcare but even more of a fall-back is retail, try as I might to break into some form of food services, this is true.)  Also, on Saturdays I worked the 8 hour day shift, hey, it was a college job.

So,with the aforementioned history, I utilize Ashland Drug as my drug store of choice, where I pick up my medications monthly, sometimes bi-monthly.  Because of their new move (which is actually just right around the corner from their old location), I have had to find a new "pathway" or route to this new place.  As I walked down-town (yes, walked) to retrieve my medication of the lovely "Paxil", I was thinking about this new route I had to take when it dawned on me, how easy it is to change course in our physical lives but how difficult to change those pathways in our minds.  You know, those thought processes that are in built through time and experience, relationships throughout the journey of our lives.

For me, the new pathway of my mind that says I need, should, have to love myself, first and foremost.  That I need, should, have to ensure my safety, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, first and foremost and at all cost.  Why is this difficult? For so many reasons related to how I was raised, past relationships, church abuse, etc etc etc

So, now as hard as it is, I admit to the world and to myself mostly, I love me.  Forever.  I am worthy of loving myself and worthy of love that comes to me.  I do not need in any way shape or form to deny myself of this love of myself.  I can delight in nurturing and cherishing myself in small and large ways, without guilt.

The first step is always the hardest but once done, it gets easier and easier to love thyself first.

Do I love myself?

Vagina Diaries Day Eleven

When searching my brain for something to write about, I was directed back to my heart, where of recent years I have felt an increasing warming, a stillness of love and presence awakening in myself, unexplainable but a forceful reminder of the connection I feel with others, the entire universe, the divine.

It has grown and grown until now it is not such a distraction but a constant reality, ever present although at times not felt so strong and than at other times felt deeply and powerfully, a still warmth and happiness acknowledgement of the peacefulness of the present moment.

It has been a growing realization in the past years to come as I continue to seek not only my heart's desire, my calling, but a love and appreciation for self, what makes me happy and accepted.  It is no longer a constant struggle, worry, anxious frustration to be in kinship with the divine and others, but a peaceful feeling of awakening, daily increasing moment by moment.

So, with that, I realized is the focus of today's entry on my vagina, not merely a focus on the physical object but in what this personal study reflects in a larger sense, the journey in finding the strength and ability to truly love myself first.  It is that that I am coming daily, minutely, to fully grasp and accept.
I love myself.  I love me.  I love Lia.  Lia is a wonderful woman in all aspects of humanity both positive and negative.  I am alive to the fullest and open to all kinds of love that come my way.

I love me.

For My Protection

Vagina Diary Day Ten

Hair vs no hair?  That's the debate, rather how do you like your vagina? Why is the hair even there, some admirers of the hairless type would wonder.  Well, take it from a girl who in college had her pussy shaved, by an over-zealous experimental boyfriend, and I tell you,  I know why its there.

So, does the girl from the monologue I'm doing for the Vagina Monologues entitled "Hair."

From my experience, and this girl's, the loss of hair surrounding my nether-region caused massive irritation and discomfort during sexual intercourse and in the day to day moments as my underwear and other clothing chafed against the bare, raw skin.  It took awhile for the pain to heal and, if memory serves me well, no amount of lotions or aloe brought much comfort.  True to this, I have never done it again.

What I learned and so did the girl in the monologue whose name I will call Tiffany (for now anyway), is that the hair naturally grown on our pubic area during the onset of adolescence is there for the very reason of protection.  Sure, its a good thing to keep it clipped, trimmed, and shaved because we all know it can and will get rather bushy down there, (and some girls experiment with just how "manicured" they indeed want it) but the fact of the matter is hair is necessary.

And, more to the point, the vagina is yours.  Its not the boyfriend or partner who gets to decide how its designed.  As I go through life, I have learned that dressing myself daily is not for the approval of others but can and should be for my benefit, comfort, and confidence building.  So, too, my vagina is my vagina to do with as I want.

I happen to work as a professional art model for one of my day-jobs so keeping it trimmed is par for the course, necessary for the job, but its still mine to choose from (just like I choose to lie buck naked and still for a fixed amount of time for some extra spending cash).  That being said, I choose to keep my hair, for protection and comfort and, well, its also mine.

Still, I wouldn't mind trying the vajeweled look (is that the correct terminology?).  The only concern there being is how sturdy are the jewels when applied, or rather how long do they stay, because I don't want to spend a good deal of money only to have them "rub off in the shower" or when my boyfriend and I get "frisky".

However, it is my vagina, my choice and that is the main thing, really.

And Finally, A Healing

Vagina Diaries Day 9

Once again, this entry may not seem to have much to do with the subject of my vagina but when it comes down to the more focused discussion of femininity and strength (See: the popular meme of the late 1990's of 'girl power!), it surely does.  In fact, it appears to be a carry over from yesterday's blog about the realization in 'loving oneself'.

Wannabe

When I was fifteen, I was dealt a blow of extreme heartbreak and betrayal, one that has had lasting effects through every area of my life and relationships subsequently.  During the early summer months of my Sophomore to Junior year of high school, my boyfriend, Matt, of the long term relationship of three months broke up with me, a heart-wrenching thing for any young girl whose new to the world of dating, but added to that was the even worse additional wounding of a supposed best friend.  The best friend, Heidi, seemingly outdid the boyfriend by starting up a relationship with him at least an hour after he had broken it off with me, even after I called her crying in despair for comfort.

As I said, this left a resounding effect on the state of my heart for years to come and is still a battle I face today.  It caused a major disturbance in my relationships overall and a lack of trust in women as 'best friends'.  I started being known as the 'girl's guy', with many guy friends who would love to cross over beyond the friend zone and yet if they were lucky enough to do so, found a very jealous, insecure girl-friend on the other side, one who had the constant fear of having her boyfriend "stolen" by another girl.

So, this has been a life-long struggle, one of which I had some major victory over due to much time and money spent in therapy and various types of recovery programs.  Then of which I have finally learned to love myself which follows the ability to be comfortable "on my own", truly not needing another person to help define my sense of security and self.

In my current relationship, I am glad to say I have a partner who I can trust completely and who really likes being with me, has no issues that keep him closed off from me, and feels he can completely trust me.  All of this to say the effect of the high school trauma is weakening more and more with each passing day.  In truth, I have finally found the ability to forgive both the high school "best friend" and the "ex-boyfriend."

So, last night I had a dream, one of which I made some snarky remark to a mutual friend of mine and my current partner about some lack of her ability as an actress, etc etc etc.  It only made me look poorly in the eyes of not just my boyfriend but all present.  In the dream, he approached me and urged me to apologize to her right away, which I did, of course.  This resulted in my half-waking from the dream to turn to him for comfort when I suddenly stopped...

It dawned on me, once again, that I did not need him to comfort me, reassure me of his love, but could find that in myself.  So, in my dream-self, I lay beside him and thanked the divine universe for healing me of this long-standing affliction and for also giving me finally a boyfriend who I could infinitely trust and who could help support me in this final healing.

Almost like a scene from one of my favorite movies, Inception, I found myself back in the world of the girl before the best friend betrayal, a girl who believed in the innocence that all people were really good and out for my best interest.  A girl who with this aforementioned best friend would delight in sharing her secrets, desires, fears, and willing sit on the school-grounds after school hunting for four-leaf clovers while we waited for our mothers to pick us up and drive us home.

In that moment, the pain of the years pent up betrayal began to lift and I felt a freedom of heart that I hadn't felt in a very long time.  I don't honestly believe that I am completely 100% healed and will probably still have to deal with issues like these in future, but the shedding of this reaction will become gradually easier and easier.

So, what does this have to do with my vagina? Simply put, an increasing development of my personal feminine strength of power and self, an ability to love myself, forgive myself, and trust myself.  An ability also to truly love and forgive those who have wronged me and then to let it all go, to finally move on.

It is that discovery which I find surprising on this journey I am, already finding so much healing and empowerment for myself.  I hope these words of truth and discovery are helping you, the readers, in some way as well.

The Rose

Self-Realization

Vagina Diaries Day 8

Okay, today's entry may not seem to be in any way related to that female body-part we are now getting to know, well at least I am, but in fact it does.  Yesterday, some amazing discoveries happened to me while taking part in some external risks.

When I was a little girl, I was a tap dancer and loved it, along with my good friend, Rinnie.  I never forgot the powerful sensation of gliding over the dance floor with the sound of the tap tap tap ringing out, along with my fellow dancers.  I always longed to get back into it.  (In college, I took one class in it but that was quite awhile ago.)

Later on that night, I played two rousing games of "Magic, The Gathering" with my boyfriend and proceeded to kick his ass royally.  This, too, I used to play somewhat halfheartedly in college with an ex-boyfriend.

What I discovered about picking up both these old hobbies, if you will, is that former pathways in my brain that had been strengthened with these skills were suddenly revisited.  In both activities, I felt a sudden surge of memory recall as I participated in each of them.

But, more importantly, what occurred to me, and most especially while tapping to my delight, was that I was doing something for myself, in short, loving myself.  And, that is the most powerful realization that I am taking away from this Vagina study and the reason for doing this play, the ability to love myself first.

Love myself....first?  This flies in the face of all that I have learned in society and is by far contrary to my church background.  Indeed, my Christian friends who may read this will see this viewpoint as some form of controversy, in the least.  Or in the most extreme, blasphemy.  And, indeed, the years of mind control and oppression make it a necessary medicine I find hard to swallow.  But it isn't either of these, its the most important thing I can ever learn and develop.

For only in learning to love yourself can you truly love others, as the meme says.  But, now I see that focusing on the goal of 'loving others' loses its purpose in the first.  By doing so, I fall back on placing more importance on others than myself, then falling back into the path of self-hatred and others' abuse.  I can look past what I see as flaws of my external self, can let go of my insecurities finally, and at last find healing and freedom.

But, when it comes down to it, in the last several years I have taken active steps in loving myself, without really knowing it (its just what had to be done at the time) and been the most happiest I've been in all my life because of it.  From kicking out my abusive ex-husband to taking dance lessons, I've found value and strength inside myself, not just following after my true calling but in learning to value myself, trust my intuition, and enjoy the path on which I am being lead.  I've learned to let go of being overly concerned with others' wellbeing, that it is not my responsibility to 'save them', and trust the Universe to guide them and support them as needed.  In doing this, I've found more connection with others' in the value their presence in my life teaches me as well as mine in theirs.  By letting go, I learn to love myself more.

This may sound weird to you or wrong but in time I hope you learn to find this truth as well.  I may sound selfish but I really don't care, for I know, at last, I am not.

I love me.  Forever.

Just take a look...

Vagina Diaries Day 7

What do you see when you look at me?

Last spring, I ventured down to the thriving metropolis of Eureka, CA with my lovely boyfriend to visit friends.  While there, we went skinny-dipping and nude sunbathing along the infamous Eel River (well, infamous of my youth anyway).  We are a very open bunch, including myself, my boyfriend of 56 years, his good buddy and the buddy's new girl.

While strolling the sandy and rocky beach and attempting to envelope my body in the icy-cold water while shrieking my mezzo soprano voice in response, I found it easier to look at the male packages, ie their private parts which are none to private when nude, hanging as they do loosely from their bodies, rather than look at the parts of my female counterpart.  To the horror of my friends of the lesbian persuasion, I actually find the penis more attractive than the vagina.  For shame, for shame!

At one point, I was sitting on the beach directly in front of the girl who was sunbathing behind me and turning around I happened to catch a glimpse of her nether region.  I immediately looked away, in shame and shock.  This was her private place, a secret part of her, and somewhere you just don't go.  Looking back, it struck me how my view of the moist cavity between the legs is such a region of not only secrecy but shame and fear.

So, last night, when nude modeling (see my day jobs include the variety of nude modeling to substitute teaching, heck its random but I make my own schedule), I laid back with my legs opened slightly, realizing that the artists' could get a pretty wide viewpoint.  This was a shocking thought to me but one of immense freedom.

Look at me, I was saying loudly without words.  Take a look.

It helped bring about healing and awareness of self.  A sense that this part of me was not some forbidden zone but something to be enjoyed and expressed freely and with delicious pleasure.

So, take a look.  Don't be afraid.

What do you see when you look at me?

What the hell happened to the Cafe?!?!?!

Okay, I'll confess, I think the whole hipster thing these days is all my fault.  Well, not just me single-handedly but the group of friends and folk from my generation who, in my opinion, made coffee shops the cool places they are today, except for the fact that's its changed.

Back in the late nineties and early 2000's, coffee shops were the place to be seen, the popular hangouts similar to the bars of the Cheers era or even the diners of the 50's Happy Days era.  It was a place where everyone knew your name, you had your favorite coffee shop you frequented daily, or sometimes more, and the barista was more than just your coffee maker, but your friend, personal therapist, and even for me, sometimes more, a romantic partner as such.

Furthermore, you never had to make appointments with friends to meet at the local hotspot, you just knew they'd be there.  And, your time was not mainly spent pressed into a laptop or other electronic device, although at times, you may have gone to the cafe to spend valuable time reading or, for me, writing, but the main time spent at the cafe in those days was wiling away the hours with the coffee shop gang.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZcJRw5Gs88

These days of old sparked not only just a nickname for me, rather a new identity, as I became the "cafe-girl" but memories of love, laughter, heartbreak, and friendship that inspired a play, one of which I am still working on with hopes to finally get it on its feet.  It was a charmed time, a stolen season of my life and sadly I can never find it again, as hard as I have tried.

For today, when I head into the walls of my local cafe, as warm and inviting as it may be, there is a different feel, people's faces lit up by the computer screens their noses are pressed into, hard at work or merely scanning the websites of their favorite social media, something of which they can do in the confines of their own home so why even bother being in public?

Even bars have lost somewhat of their appeal to me.  In Italy where I studied abroad in college (abroad not a broad), bars and pubs where locales could grab a pint and sit with friends while having lively conversation, like the coffee shops of America past.  But these days entering a bar, I am hit with the loud music, the blaring silent tv usually with some form of sports game on, and the blinking lights of the slot machines, the idea being any sort of distraction to take away the actual ability to interact with friends and other human beings.

That's what made me sad.  Technology was supposed to make our lives easier, but nowadays its robbed us of that basic human need of connection and bonding.  We all have it, whether we label ourselves as introverts or extroverts, the desire to come together with a common bond or goal, whether it be religious in purpose, scholastic based, or what have you and that need seems to becoming more and more of a gaping hole.  Instead of something free (well maybe at the price of a $2 cup of coffee or more) and available, its something you have to be diligent enough to seek out and fork over a hefty amount for whatever classes and such you require, then when you find yourself in those situations one doesn't know how to begin to interact.

Coffee shops and social interactions have gone the way of the do-do.

Sad days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46OJ1mkNKyc

Shower love!

Vagina Diaries Day 6

Okay, here's getting a little personal, not to say I haven't been, but this post may be a little risque, so read with caution if you have a very over-active imagination and never wanted to go there with me, or my S.O.  I think we can safely say this blog could most likely be rated R or maybe NC-17 if it were to be a movie, well it won't because I will never do film work like that.

Here goes...

Things were getting hot & heavy in the shower (see: I like to, at times, take joint showers with my boy, not always for sexual purposes but sometimes for the intimacy factors & well, for water preservation, yeah, that's it but I digress...).

Well, since I was on this journey of the vagina, I asked my guy what he thought of my pussy, my down there region, this after he had finished eating me out.  He made a little joke of sorts but I urged him to share with me honestly.  He thought for a moment and then slipped his finger inside of me first one, then two.  I orgasmed loudly and freely (as I always do, I never hold back) several times and then when finished, he rose to my face and said,

"That's what I think of your vagina."

This brought on the realization that I have never attempted to do this for myself, well have attempted but given up preferring having a partner over doing it myself.  But, I really think I need to explore myself more, become familiar as it were with my 'pussy', in order to establish love and appreciation for this part of me.  Not just as some form of tool or means of "getting a guy" but as a vital aspect of my being.

Become the Rose

Vagina Diaries Day 5

Awhile back, about a month ago, I must admit now, shamefacedly, I laid on the floor, spread my legs, and looked at my vagina through a mirror.  I must admit this was the first time in over ten years since I've done this looking, and since then my idea of what my vagina really looks like was somewhat of a mirage, I had a crazy image of something pink, in many ways like the younger pre-adolescent version of my pussy, or ones that the girl babies have whose diapers I have changed in the past.

Thoughts, well, first shame that I must admit this and that its taken me ten plus years to get down and dirty and look, really look.  The realization of years spent in fear of what I would see or feel, as if my own power, strength and femininity is a sign of weakness or source of sin and not that of a personal attribute I should wholeheartedly claim with utmost righteousness.  And, in the looking, I finally claim that victory at last.

So, what did I see? Well, besides an old shrivelled man wearing a turban, a flower, more specifically a rose bud about to bloom.  Yes, it went back and forth between the turban man and the rose and I tried to force myself to see the rose, as if that would be more spiritual.  Then, found myself reprimanding myself for forcing myself to feel or think anything, just let the thoughts, feelings, or what have you come naturally.

So, I looked.  And what I saw was that that the vagina I see today is a lot more cleaner and healthier than it was so many years ago and with that I feel a source of pride increasing swelling within me.

The image of the rose stays with me.  So many years back, in college, with my first true experience with the divine (or as I called it then "came to know the Lord), laying on the bed in my apartment with my boyfriend, I saw a vision of two long stem red roses placed in my hands...and then since that moment the rose has been a beacon of the divine, a source of true abiding love.  As I discover a deeper sense of my spiritual understandings, continue to mine deeply my source I look within, and see in so many capacities how I am 'the rose', this year setting forth already that as focus, the new desire to love myself first and the ability to love myself truly as a vessel of light, truth, and real love. 

In the passage of the time, in all I have been through, pain and laughter, tears and love, I find healing in finally finding my true self, my calling, the divine rose.

The Rose by Bette Midler

Vagina Diaries Day 4

This poem by ee cummings has long been my favorite of all times.  As I embark on this journey and character work for this production, the lines of this play waft back into my consciousness.  So, with that in mind, I'd like to do a little poetry analysis based on my thoughts surrounding my precious "pussy" and the literary genius of cummings' work below.

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

The idea of a place that has never traveled speaks to me about the idea of the vagina being the forbidden grounds, somewhere not to go or even to speak of in polite society.  Gladly beyond any known experience, spoken of and thought of in secrecy and silence.  And yet, as I voyage deeper into my feminine psyche, I realize how easily it is to understand and appreciate my whole self in its completion. 

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

Closing myself off as I have from truly understanding and appreciating out of fear of reprisal or judgement or being shunned, loss of acceptance and not fitting in with the status quo, yet at what cost? The loss of myself and when I surrender to the divine within, the beauty of my soul, I find how easy it is to be free and to truly take in the entirety of love for myself and others, without judgement or any sort of bitterness.  The usage of the "first rose" speaks to me even more about the loss of self in trying to fit in and tow the line because I have long since felt a divine connection to my self and the rose, seeing myself as The Rose and as I fall into line with the status quo I lose sight of that.  As I continue through this process, I embrace that part of me, the beautiful fragrance of my soul, opening so sweetly.

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

It is then up to me and only me if I wish to close, to hide, or be open to the free flow of life, the source, the divine.

nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

If I replace "your" with vagina", I read it as "nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals the power of my vagina's intense fragility"...the power.  Not in that horrible way I used to be treated as some form of wonton woman intent on seducing every man in my sight, but in the proven power of my feminine strength, destiny, and abundance of love and acceptance.  Accepting and appreciating myself, my whole self, as divinely capable of seeing truth and following after my calling is where the power and strength resides.

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

The voice of my vagina's eyes is deeper than all roses.  Even though I can view my vagina as the rose or for that matter myself, (see: when I first did this show, the director had pictures of all sorts of flowers flashing across the walls and screen during the pre-show as a symbol of the vagina), the fact of the matter is my self, my being, my vagina is more intensely powerful and worthy of more love than that of the rose, all comparisons aside.

somewhere i have never traveled, gladly beyond

Vagina Diaries Day 3

Well, it is day 3, at least in my world.  So, I didn't get around to writing this and posting it yesterday, but whose being legalistic here?  Not I.

So, the word Angina, say it to yourself.  You know what it means, a word describing chest pain without heart attack.  Okay, now that you said it aloud, what word does it sound like, rhyme with?

That's right.  Vagina.  Really, a word, Angina, that is synonymous with pain is similar sounding to a woman's body part.  Why? Who came up with that? My guess is it wasn't a woman, what do you think?

What's that say about the societal viewpoint on Vaginas? Or rather, more specifically, what's that say about a woman's viewpoint on her own vagina? A place of pain and discomfort, let alone, the big secret that everyone knows about, is constantly aware of.

Okay, wait a minute.

Guys like it, well, straight guys anyway.  Lesbian girls like it too.  Gay guys, well, we know their thoughts on it, they are sympathetic to girls' plight but like us straight girls don't want go there.  Ever.

Why?

We bleed there, there's cramps there, sometimes random infections and stuff like that.  So, why do you want to touch it? This dark, moist cavity between our legs,keyword here, dark.  Scary? Is it scary to know ourselves, discover our strength, purpose, our own empowerment in being truly feminine, our true divine selves?

Think about it.  I know I will.

Vagina Diaries Day 2

January 3rd, 2015

(A day late but what they hey!!)

I was in the drug-store the other day, randomly walking the aisles and I was looking at all the stuff we use on our vagina, like monistat and vagisal, stuff to keep it either healthy or clean or both, rather.  It made me think about how as a culture we spend so much to keep it "decent" and yet in the end that stuff doesn't always work, our bodies get used to the medications.

I realized gratefully how I have not needed any sort of stuff like this since I found out a few years back when I found out that I had celiac's disorder, and that before that I had these painful UTIs and such all too frequently.  (A note for those of you that have frequent issues such as these, get a blood test for celiac's, just a thought!)

When I started this journey, I realized that I still felt a little uncomfortable with this topic; my vagina.  However, I feel the need to celebrate the fact that as I go further in my life journey, I have grown less afraid of the whole thing.  I no longer see it as dirty, am no longer afraid to touch it without feeling shame (and know the appropriate time to do so), and love being able to pamper myself there with special soaps and washes to help it stay clean, smell nice, and pretty.  This, I believe wholeheartedly, in an improvement not only in my acceptance of my vagina but in my overall sense of self-worth as a woman.  I am not out to seduce a man merely because of my physical body or because I can openly express my femininity.  I am strong, powerful, and highly capable of anything I put my mind and focus on, desires of my own spiritual and creative growth.

Vagina Diaries Day 1

January 1st, 2015

So, here goes my brave venture into opening up my thoughts on my vagina.  When I first started talking about this to friends, that my next play was the "Vagina Monologues" and that I had started a daily Vagina diary I got some mixed reviews.  Very few were excited about this venture and happy for me, but most were shocked and hurried off before more could be said on the conversation.  One was a young 14 year old girl.  This saddened me that there is so much shame around a part of our bodies, a vital part not just for our physiology but to our emotional, mental, and spiritual understandings of ourselves as women.  Furthermore, the degradation of our vagina and all its components contributes to our influence and position in society as a whole.  We are looked down upon as the weaker sex, so to speak.

I speak for myself mostly.  Back in college, Vagina Monologues was the only play I did and not very successfully in my eyes in today's standards (for me personally).  But, it stuck with me and that is why I have wanted since I got back on 'the boards' to do it again.  I'm older now and I said a few days ago on facebook, I've been around the block a bit more.  In that time, I know I've gotten more comfortable with my vagina as a part of myself as well as grown comfortable with my femininity as an aspect of personal strength and empowerment, despite the times in the fundamentalist environment.  However, perhaps due to that spree in the conservative church-world, there are still aspects of myself hanging on at the fringes that don't understand about that part of myself, or find it disgusting, confusing, shameful.

I have grown a little.  For starters, being a little more open about my interest in the fairer sex, not that I would ever "go there", but I must admit there is and has always been a little attraction.  I think the issue of sexuality runs on a spectrum and I'm more lined up with the hetero-side with sparks into the bisexuality.  After ten plus years of dating and even a marriage in there, and never once even kissing a girl, I think I can at last say that the interest lies mostly at speculation.  So there's that, at least and at last, I can be honest about that.  And, I think that that in no way takes away from my issues of faith or spirituality (falling more in line with the progressive or liberal bent these days) but in fact adds to it, the fact that I can be honest with myself and others affirms my relationship with a higher power, of sorts.

But, there is one thing that I must admit at my age that I still don't get.  Okay, here it is, I don't really know all the parts of the vagina and how it all works.  Like, if you asked me where and what the clit is, I'd have to admit I didn't know or had a vague idea of where it was, you know, somewhere "down there".  I mean, the fact is, I've always treated it as some sort of dirty little secret but must admit I've gotten better in this area, finally allowing myself to explore the region through masturbation by myself and in front of my boyfriend.  (Too much information? Well, look at the subject matter!)

Anyway, I think that will be the first aspect and focus of my two month long (or so, who knows it could run after the show) discovery, just getting to know the physical aspect of my vagina, inside and outside.  Being able to label and then point to the different parts both by looking and by feel will be the first step in my healing and acceptance of my womanly essence.  From there, I will allow naturally any other spiritual and/or emotional thoughts to flow freely, come what may let's see how this thing develops.

I did allow myself one lay down on the bathroom floor, legs spread apart, with a mirror.  First thought, after I tried to "label" the parts at first go was, what's the big deal? I mean, what do straight guys and lesbians see in this shriveled pinkish body part, where not only do girls urinate from but also once a month for about 7 days give or take a few bleed from.  I don't see the attraction although the benefits of their desire (mostly from men) I am thankful for.  I put it before, hetero guys and lesbo chicks, why?

So, here's what I want to discover, why is this body part so shameful overall in society? How can I break free from this viewpoint and be able to firmly grasp my feminine strength and power? How can I help others to have this freedom throughout this process? (This blog, perhaps? Who knows?)

That's all for today.  More tomorrow.