A Family Of Her Own-Making; An Exotic Dancer's Story

"As long as you are both legal adults and there is consent and you are safe, go for it!"

Alex was twenty one years old, working a dead-end job as a care-giver, when she discovered the world of exotic dancing.  Always having been open with her body and sexuality, she heard from a friend about an amateur dance contest at the local strip club and quickly she signed herself up. In that contest, she tied for first place and was offered a job at the club on the spot.  Looking back, she recalls how she shook like a leaf that first week, finding the real nature of being naked and dancing before an audience to be more than just exposing physically but also emotionally. 

In her younger life, she struggled, like many girls, with debilitating low self esteem and self worth.  But as she continued with this line of work, she increasingly found more respect for herself and has seen her self-confidence and love of self, of her body, sky-rocket. 

A big part of this empowerment has come from those she works with and alongside.  The girls, albeit at times dysfunctional, are her family and she knows wholeheartedly have her back no matter what as she, in turn, has theirs.  They are there for each other both in performance, at work, and in other areas of life.  The rest of the staff, bouncers, managers, and the like, are also there for the dancers ensuring they feel safe, respected, and heard.

It is also empowering, Alex admits, to be admired and looked at by the male viewing audience while dancing, knowing that they will pay to have that pleasure.  In addition, this has helped Alex to be in tune with her body's needs, from regular exercise, eating healthy, and maintaining adequate self care in order to ensure her performance remains high quality.

She has experienced some backlash and misunderstanding from the outside world when it comes to her profession.  A former boyfriend's mother was concerned that Alex would flirt with and steal her husband, because of her line of work.  How preposterous to think, seeing as how Alex was dating her son at the time and not there to flirt!

Although she has experienced some negativity at her work from audience members, overall she feels very safe and at home.  She sees her club as her happy place, her second home. She goes on to say, that the main reason she loves her club so much is that the power and control rests with her, with the dancer.  Its about being safe and having consent, if there is none on both sides, then its a no go.

In this way, Alex has learned not just to be body positive, but to be sex positive as well.  She embraces all sorts of different kinks as she expresses the club motto:

"As long as you are both legal adults and there is consent and you are safe, go for it!"

Burlesque: A Community Of Women

I had the very distinct privilege of sitting down with actress, artist, and all-around warrior women herself, Darby McCue this week.  Together, we looked into her world of burlesque,  how she arrived at her love for it, and what insights she has gained on herself and women kind from this association.

For starters, Darby started out her dancing career as a professional belly dancer.  However, within what is thought to be a very spiritually enlightened community, she faced criticism for being too sexual, suggestive, and even vulgar in her dancing style. It was around this time that a good belly dancing friend of hers approached her, and with trepidation and fear of reprisal, Darby took her advice.  The friend suggested thoughtfully that Darby look into Burlesque dancing and that might be a more suitable fit for Darby's style.  The friend was well-meaning and truly cared for Darby. 

Until that time, Darby always imagined this type of dancing to be in the realm of the 1950's bombshell but she decided to give it a go and started her pursuit of all things Burlesque.  At 37 years old, a wife and mother, Darby quickly fell in love and became enchanted.  She says the most rewarding and empowering experience was the time she danced in front of her former belly dance 'hater' colleagues, which left her feeling proud of who she was and of her body.  It was that moment, she says, that she never looked back!

Darby looks back on her childhood and adolescence, remembering how she was taunted and made fun of for early development.  She had large breasts and bottom, was referred to maliciously as Tits McCue, was treated unfairly, taken advantage of, thought of less than and even slutty because of her body.  Through burlesque dancing, Darby has finally found the healing and freedom from these past wounds.

Burlesque, she explains, is not about the nudity, but about the tease of such.  She loves it for not taking itself too seriously, for the satire and humor in the doing, and that it is never about being perfect or sexual.  She says that there is a huge amount of mental work and effort that goes into the preparation, from finding the right song, choreographing the dance steps, and putting together the costumes.  In all of this, her self confidence has strengthened and deepened.  More than that, the wide and diverse community that she has joined has truly empowered her to love herself fully.  There are no limits to who can perform, no ageism, for all walks of life are welcome.  She has loved seeing how women, including herself, learn to love their bodies and become unashamed of who they truly are and how they look.  That in itself fills her with a sense of empowerment and confidence, continuing her love of and enjoyment of the dance.

Even so, she has experienced some backlash from an assortment of arenas.  For the most part, her family admires and respects this calling of hers.  But, even more than the former haters in the belly dance community, Darby has faced the societal misunderstandings of Burlesque by being referred to as a mere 'exotic dancer', not being invited into certain social women circles, looked down to as shameful, even going so far as being thought of as a 'lady of the night'.  She knows wholeheartedly that this is stemming from fear, from being afraid of what they do not know, and from being afraid to step out of the confines of social conformity.  She says at times younger male audience members attend shows with false expectations, cat-calling, saying abusive remarks about the dancers, and come with expectations of sexual compensation, all of which are inappropriate and not a part of burlesque.

However, from the network of other dancers, she has continued to learn to love herself and others involved.  During a time when, because of the process of aging, she gained a significant amount of weight and felt insecure about it, she reached out to other curvy women of elder age who helped her relearn to love herself in her new life situation and bodily form.

Ultimately, Darby explains burlesque is not merely about being sexual, but above all about the community, acceptance, and mutual acceptance of empowering others to find their freedom and love for selves.

Beauty From Ashes: An Art Model's Story

"I feel like a phoenix," Beth exclaims with a soft smile.  

Last week I had the privilege to sit down with the actor and model (and many other artistic endeavors and talents), Beth Boulay.   Beth is a graduate from Southern Oregon University with a BFA in Theatre Arts, specifically the performance arts.  She is known for her acting work both on stage and on screen.  In addition to that, she started art modeling 7 years ago, as a means to pick up a couple bucks while in college as well as to express a long felt personal interest in the fine arts.  Working in a workshop for a long-time friend, colleague, and local artist, she was told by said friend that she was 'a natural'.  As she continued forward, she discovered how the modeling aspect became an extension of her work as an actor, especially helpful when not at work in theatre or film.  She found that the acting training, specifically in movement, helped her find the best positions as she collaborated with the artist's creative process.  In addition, she found the experience both meditative and creative herself, as she would often use lines from monologues as means to find the pose, which in turn helped her develop an understanding of the character within the context of the play.

She explains that she has felt minimal backlash from society based on her choice of employment.  Mostly, she faces confusion from both genders, as they aren't completely sure what figure modeling entails. She has found some discomfort trying to explain to potential romantic partners that fine art modeling is in no way a sexual experience. 

Any objectification she has felt has people in the classes do not draw her body as seen, but rather enhance parts of herself to fit social norms.  These, she explains, are usually less experienced artists.  She has felt sometimes disrespected when participants are not cognizant of her time, rather than spend it with the intended purpose of created art, they idle away the time chatting or being social only, which in turn lends itself to their running out of time on a portrait and wanting her to "go over" the allotted time of the class.

In addition, she has encouraged women friends to pursue this line of work themselves.  Women friends find this choice of work to be "something they could never ever do" and see her as "very brave".  She feels herself an advocate for women and men everywhere.  All are welcome, she says.

All are welcome, she says.

Art classes, she explains, are incredibly relaxing environments, where she feels completely at peace with herself and in connection with the artists.  She has found incredible respect, appreciation, and understanding for herself from the artists which has enhanced her overall self confidence and body image.  To explain, when she started  modeling 7 years ago, she found herself at a healthy weight.  But then, she began increasingly gaining weight, up to 25 pounds.  Unlike the outside world, the artists she worked with expressed how beautiful her belly was which helped her appreciate the beauty of herself no matter the weight, shape, or size.  Later, the weight started dropping off at an alarming rate.  As the outside world commended her on this, it was her artist friends that questioned her about this, looking more at her health rather than her body image.  In a very real sense, they saw her for who she is, not how she looks.

Modeling has become a means of healing and emotional awareness, as she can be vulnerable and open with her artist friends.  She has increasingly found the classes to be safe places for her to bring her struggles and find a community to uplift and sit with her through the pain. 

One class in particular occurred after a breakup and as the tears fell down her face, an artist was able to capture the moment in a beautiful truthful fashion.  (That image has been showcased at galleries around the area, been featured on the front page of the paper, and given as a gift from her father to her mother.)

"I feel like a phoenix," Beth exclaims with a soft smile.  

Spiritual, Not Religious

"I'm not religious, I'm spiritual!"

Being spiritual is defined as 'relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things'.  To be religious is to be a part of or ascribe oneself to a certain religion.  So, how,  in the end, do these two terms differ? And, more importantly, can one that is religious, or rather, is a practitioner of a religion, be spiritual as well?


Personally, from one that has in the past publicly aligned myself with an organized religion and now one that does not, I do not see a difference truly between the word 'religion or religious' and that of 'being spiritual'.  I think it comes down to the intention of the heart in the seeker.  

I no longer want or require any system outside myself to define or structure my understanding of any sort of divine connection.  At one point, I needed that and as disastrous as it became, there were and are some basic components about it that were uplifting and overall helpful.  Some foundations taught to me in my fundie days helped in my overall spiritual journey.  For instance, the morning quiet times that were bible devotionals and such back in the day have turned to a wide assortment of spiritual texts, personal journal entries, meditations, or morning walks.  And, all have the ability to quiet my mind, spirit,soul, preparing me for the daily chores and circumstances to arise. 

I know that there are still many that need the confines of an organizational external system to help guide their spiritual walk.  We all have our journeys and our means of discovery, and more often than  not, these means will need to change, in order to require us to advance into a fuller,  more open and connected, spiritual being.
  
It doesn't matter, in the end, how we find peace and spiritual understanding, the only thing for certain is that we need to persevere in our own way.  When we can find ourselves in a place where we no longer need to judge, condemn, or convert, not only will we have arrived in a place of true peace, internal satisfaction, and deep calm, but our influence towards others of whatever walk of life will be more apparent and more lasting.

What is Professionalism?

Okay, first of all, I'm no expert at this thing called life.  I'm still just mucking about trying to figure it all out, enjoying the ride of this journey, learning, growing, expanding as I go.  This pertains to my career path, as I am still, in the strictest of definitions, an amateur.  I haven't gotten paid, as in a living, sustainable income that allows me to say, "Fuck off to all the surviving jobs" (not that I have anything against them, hey, fine art teachers, you rock!) and my rising in the ranks production company has more rising debt than available cash flow. 

But, from watching and interacting with those that have traveled further in this world of self-employment and entertainment industry as well as from a myriad of books and other resources (I'm a podcast listening queen), I have gathered some understanding about what it truly means to be professional. 

Professionalism, from what I gather, does not mean you have the most posh theatre space, drive the fancy cars, have the biggest, best home, or even that you are starring on Broadway six nights a week.  Those things are nice to have and truly can be a form of satisfaction, but the fact of the matter is, they are fleeting. 

What truly matters is your inner-most belief structure that allows you a moral compass, a guide, in how you treat yourself, believe in your abilities, and the way in fact you treat those around you.  In my opinion, if you have the fanciest place but do not treat others with any modicum of respect, whether visible to all or no, you have no degree of professionalism.

Yes, those of my friends that have acquired some success and truly deserve the label of "professional" are those that carry with them a sense of gratitude and heartfelt extend warmth, encouragement, and respect for all they meet no matter at what level they play the game.

Thus, professionalism is an inner guide, more about respect and how you treat others than any form of external reality.