Lately, my deepest desire is for normalcy, that is, to gather myself finished with my work day in the early evening, have a nice dinner, relax in front of the tv or with a book, and go to bed. But, in all truth, this change in me was slowly emerging back in the Before Times (pre-covid19) of 2019, when I was gradually becoming increasingly worn out from the culture and rat-race of the local theatre scene and although not admitting it to myself was ready for a change. I recall saying this to myself and to my friends, "don't you ever just want to be normal?"
I desired that, partially, yet at the same time I thought there was no way I could be content with that lifestyle. Yet, in these times post-covid19 (perhaps), I feel a sense of normalcy has descended upon my life and my desires of my heart both personally and professionally have shifted to a slower pace.
Now, when I say I desire the normal day to day, in no way am I am referring to the 9-5 job, yes, this desire comes from a girl who logs online to certain websites for discreet modeling services, works diligently as a fine art model for the local colleges and a variety of art studios as well as a simulated patient at the local nursing college, dashes about town as a dog walker and house-sitter, among a smattering of other employment duties.
Basically, I'm a ultra busy gig worker and with the onset of the time of Covid-19, I took the time to step back from the rat-race, re-prioritize, look within, heal, became centered, found myself, and thus here I am. Finally, the gig work is increasingly lucrative as I set and attain my intentions slowly I rise, as it were. But, albeit the busyness, I have learned the all to valuable lesson to close up shop for the night.
As I take a pause from the life of a theatre actress, it has opened up new avenues for my creativity to expand. With that, an increase of my abilities, finances, and overall self worth.
I was made for such a life of 'unconventional normalcy', I see that now. But it was a long pathway to accept this in myself.
During the time of Covid19, I took the time of quarantine 2020 and on into 2021, to focus inward on the recovery of my traumatic issues and examine how that has affected who I am, my bipolar diagnosis, and my relationships throughout my life. It is not super comfortable to look back in time at the ugliness, the times my broken brain believed itself to be correct when it was in error, but one thing assures me with strength is the friends and other close ones who were about me then and many still to this day, a fact that astounds me. Why, I wonder, am I really that special, worthy of such love unconditional? I find in myself an embarrassment for how I treated such when in these episodes.
Yes, all of my life I would have these episodes, that I now recognize stem from a dual diagnosis of Bipolar and PTSD, the emotional reactivity of the latter influenced by the mood instability of the former, be it they outbursts of anger, intense sadness bordering on suicidal ideation, or somewhere in between. In those times, I can recall that my mind honestly believed the thoughts racing through which perpetuated the outward reaction, which now I see the thoughts were that of dysfunction. The majority of my life I carried within an overwhelming dislike of myself, a running commentary on my unworthiness of love, and an ever diminishing self esteem. Putting aside the conversation about why this went un-examined for so much of my life until the age of 27, when due to a mental breakdown from the stress of working as a school teacher, I was forced to stop running and face myself. Therein, was handed to me the first diagnosis correctly given, Bipolar.
Now, I can bemoan this in that I spent a good percentage of my youth in and out of a variety of recovery, trying to conform and increasingly feeling a failure because I couldn't, as well as mournfully comment on the reality that I missed out on that time of life...or I can realize the truth of who I am.
I am unconventional and that is just fine. My purpose here on this planet, I now see, is to be a catalyst of change, to strike against the status quo of social norms, and forge my own path, one that is about increasingly finding security within mental health and wholeness as well as that for others.
And, thus I am, at last, discovering my own version of the good life, more and more, true success is found in the little moments of joy. The purr of my kitty, Tansy, the thrill of seeing my garden grow and eating the fruits (or veggies) of my effort, the friendship of good and loyal friends who have weathered the storms with me, whose encouragement has never wavered, and are more likened to family of sorts.
With their strength, I find my own, to step out on my journey full of love and excitement for what shall unfold.
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
