In my past life, I was a fundamentalist.
I mean, past life in the sense, of the chapter of time prior to moving back to Oregon, the marriage, the divorce, and the name change. I mean, fundamentalist, not in the current meaning or even in a slanderous way for my more conservative minded friends, but more in the state of emotional being I was in, wound up in striving to be perfect and spiritually impressive to those around, in short, better than the rest of them, all while feigning happiness with a plastered on smile.
In actuality, I was miserable inside. I was miserable because I was too caught up in what others thought of me and seeking to please those around me, above me with "power over me", meaning the church. Ultimately, I was miserable because I wasn't honest with myself, who I truly was inside, who God(ess) had made me to be but was trying to be who I was supposed to be: the good little Christian woman who teaches Sunday School, doesn't swear, goes to daily prayer meetings, and uses all the popular Christianeze lingo.
What was I not honest with myself about, ashamed about even, and what I strove so hard to hide from others was myself. Sadly, I hid from myself even more than from others.
I've spoken about my "bisexuality" leanings. In truth, I've spent years trying to figure this part of me out. Would I ever truly want to have sex with a woman? The answer comes back to a resounding no. But the fact of the matter is, I am still attracted to the women. This isn't inherently wrong in itself. I've spent years trying to come to terms with that. (At one point I was, until I "found Jesus" and was suddenly more conflicted with myself and my sexuality through the influence of the controlling force that is the church.) Ultimately, I think the new term, or rather new to me, is the concept of pan-sexuality. No, that doesn't mean one who has sex with pans but rather one who believes that love is possible with more than one gender. Then, it follows that I am pansexual with a preference towards that male species. (To be completely honest, I wish that I could be a lesbian at times, merely because women these days seem so amazingly strong and awesome, but alas, its men that attract me. I think, perhaps, its because their minor awesomeness needs my overwhelmingly powerful degree of awesomeness to seem even remotely as awesome as me, well, maybe. Maybe, its just that I like cock, who knows?)
But, I digress...
I think also I was trying to hide my heart's desire for choice of career, choosing than to force myself into the pigeon-hole of acceptable women's role as a teacher. This, as previously mentioned, led to my mental breakdown. Now, that I have found my life calling as an actress, singer, and performer extraordinaire, I have found the true happiness and sense of self I always knew was there but could never fully grasp. In short, I am living the life I always wanted but never dreamed possible.
And finally, I am not in need of anything; I am completely at peace with myself.
I think that comes from being completely honest with myself, with the Divine Spirit, and with others. I do not wish to hide any part of myself and have no real reason for that. I strive to be the same person on the street, out and about, as I am in my own living room. This is a lofty goal but a worthy one at that. I seek to live a life of love and laughter, to love my friends and family, and to make a difference in as many people's lives as possible in the short amount of time I have on this swiftly turning planet. I desire to be remembered not only as an amazing actress but more importantly as an amazing friend.
I have reached a point in my life where I do not regret any part of my life. Any of it. Not one bit. Not the fundamental crazy years, not the "sex outside of marriage", not the druggie years, not the mad mad bipolar years, not even the abusive marriage ending in divorce years. Not any of it. It made me who I am and I can say that I have truly tried to be real and honest with every person that played a part in those chapters of my life. I can honestly say that to the best of my ability at the time, I sought to "live truthfully" in those circumstances (not just on-stage.)
I have truly loved, truly lived, and laughed a lot along the way. And cried. I have found that it is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I feel very blessed with the knowledge that the depths of life I have gone through (good and bad) may be more than what others have experienced, but they have made me richer and more real.
And now, I come to the part where I answer that question, "Who is God, to me?" I think that that is a question we all must come to at some point in our lives. Not what the church, our family, or society tells us to believe, but who the divine is to us. That is the prayer of my heart these days for myself and for all of my friends, regardless of backgrounds and religious leanings or lack thereof.
I never felt completely comfortable addressing God with the masculine because I honestly always believed God to be genderless, or rather, above gender. But, I have come to the realization that at one time I needed to address God in the masculine in order to heal my "daddy issues" as it were and find a positive father figure. Now, it seems I am drawn to "her". For this reason, I now say (s)he or merely pray to the divine feminine. This now I think to heal any issues I have with my mother and to finally understand my own self worth as a female. I see this time that we are living as the time of the sacred feminine. In my journal and prayers, I address the divine as "Lord, God, Jesus, Spirit, Goddess, Universe" and end my prayers with "in the name of the divine". This is merely concurrent with my own new spiritual discoveries.
It comes to this. I am happy and finally at peace. I truly finally believe that (s)he, the Divine Spirit, is not angry with me with my past, present, or future choices. S(he) wants to aid in my creative endeavors and continue to guide me on the journey s(he) has destined for me. I trust in her/his will for my life completely. I know that s(he) knows what is best for my life and more than that has a path of abundance and prosperity laid out before me.
In this, I trust. In this, I rest. In this, I have peace.
