Wormwood: A Taste of Bitterness

"I'm not bitter, I'm a pacifist"--says Charlie Blossom, this after he rails on and on about how he wants to "bash in his boss's face in", or meditate in the library to get even with them for firing him.  So, yeah, he's not bitter!

But, really don't we all get this way, claiming to be one of peace and love yet in a moment of high stress or even low, we lapse into a spasm of anger or tension, or both.

Jesus calls us to a life of peace and promises freedom from a life of drudgery, not so much that we won't have the humdum details of life to encounter, but that we can do these mundane activities with the focus of worship and service to him, and thus to others.

Lately, I have found myself diverging down the path to bitterness, which leads to a heart of trespasses, ie, seeking pleasure from that which is not profitable.  This, then is a heart of wickedness, an intent to not please my maker or those he has gifted me with, to turn away, to trespass against.  What is the reason for this following away? Answer: Bitterness.

All to often, when and if people crack open the Bible, they will read it for history, proof of its validity or the existence of God, looking for contradictions and finding none push it away for it does what it has been doing for me of late: exposing my heart.

Yes, that's true, in all my reactions of late, what strikes me as I do my daily duties is how quickly my temper flares, even if it is by myself, when no one sees.  God sees!  So, in that, what I have discovered is bitterness of my own heart, feeling left out, pushed aside, feeling overwhelmed by the complications of life.  "It isn't fair!" I complain, yet God says, "Yes, life isn't, but I am!"

In that, he reminds me of his death, the penetrated holes in his hands, feet, the scars covering his whole body; the blood of grace that was shed for that very heart of bitterness.  So, I release the pain, the frustration, and try my best to trust that there is a purpose in all things, that "all things work together for good for those who love God".  In short, I surrender and do it again...and again...again.  Because I know, that only in surrender will I be able to hear from God and actually be of use to him and all around me.

Yes, my quiet times with God, in his word, are one of the best forms of recovery, short of prayer, which is the ultimate in humility and sacrifice, because it exposes our true intentions and hearts, the wickedness within.  Once discovered, an act of true surrender is what is required to continue forth..

Drink the wormwood, it may taste bitter, but its nothing like the "corruption" within, and only with that drink, thy shall be healed!

"A heart that refuses to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit will not change, no matter how hard you pray."  --Stormie Omartian

Laying it all down

If you have been a faithful reader, which chances are you haven't because,well, I'm quite verbose and go on and on...but hey, maybe slowly those that notice trickle in, and I know you secretly care, but are too busy to put in the effort, and I salute you for the personal efforts you put into your journeys...it all works together for good, we are a team, we work together, whether the distance separates us, we are connected by the spirit so that whatever the calling, therefore we are together doing the work side by side....all have a calling and a purpose on their lives...

But, if you have been reading, you know that I have once again picked up the mantle of a little bit of the ol' crazies, as we shall call them, the mind swirling crazies, and my marriage has at seemed in jeopardy.  But, by the grace of God, things seem to be falling into place, friends that really matter are forgiving and coming back, even after my pride got in the way of my heart towards them, services for my personal health, medical/mental, are opening doors for me, and jobs keep appearing then disappearing and sooner or later the perfect one that meets all me needs will fall into my lap.  I don't want to appear too desparate, but must trust in the Lord for his security, which is a challenge.

So, those of you who are reading this daily, and for those of you who just peeked in, I am on a new quest for healing, and a new journey towards creativity is part of that; writing this blog, getting parts in plays, etc.  But, one thing that stays with me is that I must not loose sight of the Lord or I shall be trampled over by own temptation and pride.  Besides this,  my husband and I have been meeting each other in a quiet time of prayer, just listening to the Lord's direction for our life as individuals and as a couple.  As the sermon spoke to me today, overlaying the hope of Christ is more important than the hope of saving my marriage, yet with that hope my marriage will be sanctified.  Daily, I constrain to lay it all down for my husband and be a submissive wife.

But, several messages spoke to me through Pastor Bill's sermon (yeah, my pastor's name is bill too), first if my hope is set on the return on Christ it will energize me to do the things of the Lord.  Then, in order to be a living vessel for  him, I need to be cleansed from my wickedness and make healthy decisions that can prepare my heart for every good work.  For my heart can turn to wickedness without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and my weakness is anger.  So, I surrender every day for the strength of the Lord to give me self control from my anger, from my wicked thoughts or the crazies, so that I may be "the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently, enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness."

For, as this sermon, pointed out, we live in the dark times of the end.  And if we don't have the overlay of hope on our hearts to shine on the world, we won't be able to save those that are blind to destruction to come.  I want to be one that can have that hope clearly seen through me that can attact others to their maker, their true love, the one who completes their heart (You do the math to whom I am talking about).  I want to save much alive.

So, I pray and surrender that I will be clear headed, less stubborn, God focused, with a sense of hope in dark days whether it be in my marriage with our own imperfections or our financial woes or the days to come.  For even those outside the faith of Jesus see the signs, they are talking about the New World Order, the Bilderbergers, etc wanting to take over control and assert world dominance.  Oh so much is going on, concentration camps, guillitines, lowering world population, chem trails, etc.  And, my dear pilgrims, it scares them for they have nowhere to run, really, but the hills and hide.

However, in my heart, when I fear, there is one place I run, when I am scared, I turn to my Jesus and the Holy Spirit comes in and overlays that spirit of Hope upon me.  I can rest in that.  Can you?

So, I challenge you today, to search out your heart, what are you most fearful of?  Surrender it, lay it aside, and lean on the hope found only in God.  The dark days are coming in our own hearts and in this world, without delay today, place your hope in not what you see but in your faith, for that will carry you through.

And as I walk through my valley of healing from the crazies of my mind and heart, praying for healing for myself and my husband, I know that with the strength and hope of the Lord we shall come through this time with his healing, and that even during the darkness of the valley he will be there...

Yes, this world will go through dark times, and it may not be the tea partiers or the occupiers who save the world, it may only be one man who can in one instance silence all rebellion....do you know his name?  Call on him.

Lay it all down, aside all that so easily ensnares and run to your creator, whatever that may be for you, for he alone is our source of hope, and cling to that hope eternal...that alone will carry you through the dark times of your own soul and the times this would is about to go through.

Dear friend and fellow pilgrim, march on with faith and diligence, with hope and prayer....

And, pray for me, that in my healing, I will have the strength to be a light for the truth, and many will run to that healing power.