The "Light" Heals the "Sensitive"

I am Edna Miles.  I am a 38 year old woman still living with my parents in New York City, on 85th and Madison.

When I was 12 years old, I came down with polio which left me with a slight limp and other deformities.  Despite these infirmities, I was quite well and socially adjusted, or just buried the psychological trauma and guilt from my father's mental and physical abuse, however, when I was 16 my brother, Andrew, became sicker due to a complication with diabetes.  Due to my guilt for taking away his treatment from him when I was sick, I became his caretaker.  Through this, I learned how to nurse "terminal" patients by his nursing staff.  I graduated high school but did not immediately go into university until my brother passed when I was 20.

At that age, I went back to school, assuming that I would study to be a nurse, as according to my father that's all I could do and what was acceptable for me.  However, I was never very good in my science classes or my pre-reqs because my heart was never in this.

When I was 21, my father set me up with Gary, a son of one of his associate partners at his law firm.  This was seen as an appropriate marriage arrangement for both families.  Gary had a slight learning disability which made him socially awkward but in the time we spent together he began to bloom.  I dropped out of college at 22 to plan for our wedding, however, two weeks before our wedding I found him in bed with another woman.  I assumed that his unfaithfulness was due to the fact that I wasn't pretty enough, due to my deformity.

After that time, I buried into myself, my church, and my familial obligations.  Several family members got sick and I became sole caretaker until their deaths.  I felt as if I had let my family down in so many ways and became more and more downtrodden as I believed the garbage my father threw at me.  However, deep within, there is still a spark of strength and hope....

Choosing to get involved with the "Lighthouse" is my last ditch effort to prove my own self worth and go beyond what others think of me.

My inner desire is to be the object of one's own affection and that of others.  I seek to be truly seen and accepted for who I am, not what I am supposed to be my others' standards.  The goal for all of us in this story is to escape the suffering and madness that is our own reality and strive to be believe in love and hope.

I learn through my time with Tom that I am a bringer of hope and healing as I have found my own strength to heal and persevere with the eternal hope.  Through my own healing, I am able to pass that hope onto others and to allow them to find their own hope and healing.

I am the Wounded Healer.

Theatre Convivio's "Light Sensitive" opens December 5th at 8:00 pm and runs through December 22nd.

https://www.facebook.com/events/236732986488050/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

Substitute this!

Substitution is the power of making my acting and character development and expansion more truthful in the given circumstances and ultimately more believable.

A few years ago, when I was just starting out in the venture of life as an actress, a friend, another working actress, mentioned to her friend on Facebook that she was using him as a 'substitute' for a monologue.

As I began taking my craft more seriously and investing in classes, I kept this concept vivid in the back of my mind.  Indeed the idea is prominent amongst many actors, performers, and teachers of the craft but not always spoken with the same terminology.  Thus, with every substantial character I have been given I seek to decipher which of the characters can represent real-life relationships.  In this, it helps to have an already keen idea of which relationships, experiences, and memories are the most meaningful and powerful to evoke the strongest feelings from myself as an artist.

In the last play I did, I played a character in an eccentric family, to put it mildly.  Because of these built in structures of relationships in the context of the story, I began the task of delegating these characters to be substituted in my mind to certain significant individuals in my life.  Looking back, the most heart-wrenching and the most believable, at least to me, was the character of Monica, my little sister in the play, who was envisioned in my mind as my soul-sister, Chloe.  Through this, I realized and began to understand on a deeper level the friendship I have with her, that of a big sisterly protective affection.  So, when one of the other characters badmouth Monica, I felt the internal urge to defend her as if someone was spewing out venom on or about Chloe.  Thus, also in the second act, when Monica screams offstage as if in terrible danger, I react with the primal emotion of fear for Chloe's safety,with the underlying subtext, "Chloe, Chloe, I'm coming!"  In the third act, the Monica character speaks of our dead older sister (who I substituted for a former "friend" I struggle with liking plus a former "lover" of sorts of Chloe's) with venom and I defend that person based on the real-life relationship.  When Monica says, "It probably saved the country from a famine", my back story is Chloe saying, "It probably saved the stoner community from a marijuana famine" with my response being (of sorts) "He was your lover."

Similarly, I used the concept of substitution last Saturday for an audition.  For the last few years, I have worked on the song (among others), "Til There Was You" from the musical, "The Music Man".  Once I got the lines down with the appropriate accompanying music, I sought to find the correct focus of emotional representation.  Honestly, I attempted to use the Doctor (See: Doctor Who/Whovian love) as a substitute but even though I adore him in all his regenerations this connection was not powerful enough to evoke any emotional tug on my heartstrings.  In the back of my mind was always the idea to use the cast of "Working"as a mental and emotional snapshot for the song.  The show, "Working" is significant to me because it was my first show, my first attempt at an actual play, testing the waters of my talent, and thus led me to find my true calling.  (In a sense, you never forget your first time...).  In practice, I noticed how each line rang true as a token of gratitude fueled by my memory of the time I had with this assortment of actors and other crazy people.  As I walked into the theatre for the audition, I was fortunate enough to see my sister in the passion of theatre, Ella, and also a Working stiff.  So, I captured her face in my heart (not hard to do) and walked into the Lions' den with renewed determination and sang that song as if to her, representing the entire Working Cast and Crew, singing a song of thankfulness for each one of their existences in my life to help fuel my driver to further my endeavors into my calling...."There was love all around but I never heard it singing....til there was you."

And now, I am at work on a new character for a new play with a full load of dialogue and monologues and thus am searching for the appropriate intentions for my character as well as substitutes of real-life relationships for the other characters.  Fortunately, my male counterpart and lead is my partner in amorous affections and that mirrors the relationship in the show so there is not too much need for differentiation.

But the other character, Lou, is the main antagonist of my journey in his attempts to ruin my relationship with the lead.  He, then, falls into an appropriate substitute for a friend, who I deeply love yet upon witnessing her overall conduct have developed a strong distrust and dislike.  Interesting to note what a strange and complex vessel is the human heart  with its capacity to love and hate in the same instance!  Even though I infinitely trust my boyfriend and also, more importantly, my own strength of character and individuality, I still find a weakness and fear of my heart that she, in her insecurities and jealousies, may attempt to undermine our relationship and thus take him away from me.  Thus, this is my primary motivation and driving force in my relationship with Lou.  Something that I can't healthily express in real-life situations but I can use in an powerful  way for Edna and help to find healing in my own heart on this matter.  There is also a juxtaposition in that I can speak to Lou (substitute my real-life friend) as a mutual friend of the lead in a real matter of fact way about the positive effect I have had on the main character yet to continue to hold the distrust to fight to keep his affections...in a sense different tactics to accomplish the main goal at heart.

In closing, as a dear friend, mentor, fellow actor of the boards, and artistic director of a local theatre spoke into me in our first meeting about acting and life:

"Build up a thick skin but always, always keep an open heart!"

Finding A Place to "Just Stay...."

I am Kira Jones, (my maiden name).  I am 27 and a young mother of two, with another on the way.  Some have called me strong and spirited, but for my part, I just do what I have to do based on what life throws my way.

I was born in the Midwest in the state of Kansas, in a small conservatively minded town with one school for all grades, one firehouse but no police station except the sheriff who came in from the county.  An unincorporated town too small for a mayor but too big for its britches, the locals say.  

I was born into a fundamentally Christian family with strict rules that restrict even the ability to breathe freely.  I am the oldest of the four younger brothers which I pretty much raised.

I left right after high school (I thought that was my only way out of there).  Spontaneously, the night of graduation, got my diploma, walked off stage, threw my cap, and rode off on the back of a harley owned by a guy named Biff, with nothing but a backpack full of clothes, a toothbrush, a wad of cash, and my favorite book, "Walden", and a sleeping bag.  

We went to Napa, California where Biff abandoned me after impregnating me.  I aborted that child...because I had to...but it left an aching need in my heart for a family--

I worked as a migrant worker and a cashier in a local deli and occasionally took some classes at a local Junior college but dropped out because the classes were too dull, not to mention, too easy.  I experimented with anything offered to me from pot, mushrooms, LSD, or different sexual partners of both genders.

I met my ex-husband at a coffee shop on a break from work.  He was with all his friends.  We started hanging out and he gave me a place to stay when I got kicked out of my place.  He was studying to be a cop, which was a strange occurrence in my circle of friends.  We married in under a year and when he had finished his schooling we moved to Oregon.  He began his career and shortly after we had our first child.

...In that first year of marriage, there was a lot of screaming and throwing of things, I didn't leave at first because of the pregnancy and then the baby and besides I didn't know where I could go, thought it would somehow work itself out...but when the child was two, I could no longer take it and I found a way out...

I am searching for a place to land, a place where I can "just stay"...

If you want to learn more about me, look for me in the upcoming local film written and directed by Dru Haskin, "The Last Tipi Village."  (Filmed by Ross Williams & Kristopher Ballard)

What am I fighting for? How am I going to get it & win?

One thing that I have been particularly mindful of with the latest show, "A Tomb With the View" is the idea of "tactics".   The principle of this is that every human has basic needs they are fighting for and these tactics are the tools used to obtain that need.  There are also underlying reasons why these need to be met, be it physical, emotional, or mental.  It is my job as an actress to become the character in so much that I understand completely her reason for that need and, as all of my acting coaches plus all the multitude of books for actors say, to "raise the stakes' in obtaining that goal in a believable and realistic fashion based on the given circumstances.

In fact, the main emphasis of an actor or an actress should be to completely invest oneself in the story-line of the play or film and the relationships their character has within the play/film so that it appears to mirror that of real-life, no matter how fantastical it may be.  Furthermore, tactics and needs of the character should also be individualized based on a real relationship unique with the other characters.

In a sense, the questions must be more than just "Who am I?" but "What do I need in this scene?" and "What are the ways i am going to obtain it?"

This will then make not only the character more believable and more relate-able but so to will make the story of the play or film more powerful to the audience and the other cast-members.

Controller: Or How My Life Went Out of Control!

Hi, my name is Liza and I am a woman in my mid-twenties, a young, very healthy woman in my twenties with some very very basic needs that are currently not being met because...

I feel responsible for the demise of my parents' crumbling marriage, that it is partly my fault for not holding up my end of the bargain as I promised I would.  I feel guilty, as the psychologists would say, for having my own need to develop as an individual apart from my parents.

Thus, I feel the need to make it up to them by giving my dad a place to stay at my house and doing what I can to stop the enmity between them; to save their marriage and to hopefully reestablish my struggling and very hungry libido.

Things come to a head (LOL! She said "head), when I can't even get my own father to come to his mother-in-law's funeral which causes even more division between my folks.  After weeks of trying, I am at my wit's end, heightened even more so by the long absence of personal time with my boyfriend, Jeff (and by personal time, I mean...).

I am feeling very frustrated and in need of a good roll in the...consequently unable to think clearly to plan a good attack.

Enter Jeff, my wonderfully faithful boyfriend with a brilliant plan that just might work!  To find out what, come and see this Saturday & Sunday, October 19 & 20, at Paschal Winery.  See link below for more information!

https://www.facebook.com/events/578985095472463/?ref=2&ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

Introducing the Tombs!

My name is Dora Lucrezia Tomb.  I am of the Tomb family of England.  We descend from the Italian 'Tombras'.  I am the second eldest, although my younger sister, Emily, tries to rule everyone, of which I detest.

I am the closest to my brother, Lucien because I know that he is the easiest for me to control.  I just have to pout and whine and he comes to my rescue!  However, my favorite brother is Marcus because in his supposed craziness he is bold enough to tell people what he really thinks of them (Emily) and put them in their place.  Oliver is the littlest brother that I worry the most about, he lost it after our dear ma-ma passed (a cloak of suspicion hangs over my shoulders because of this).  I do not know what to do with him.  I have worked with Lucien on numerous concoctions and experiments, which we have tried on many others but to no success.  He appears to slip further into madness.

Emily is the sister I am closest to in age and the one whose presence I most loathe.  However, since she is of my own family, I do seek to remember her positive attributes buried by her hardness.  I try to remember the times when we played such childhood games as ring around the rosy, bloody mary, and the tomb favorite, how many servants can you try and poison (without any suggestion of suspicion).  Monica, though, is the dear little sister and of whom I see what I have always wanted to be.  Because of this, I applaud all her efforts at self-individualization and celebrate her victories.  She is the one sibling, besides Marcus, that I would defend to my grave.

Hamilton Penworthy and Nurse Franklin are the outsiders of the family that I have been "forced" to maintain in my own home.  Mandated by my father as necessary for the family survival, I am restrained from offering them any "home-made wine".  I resent grately their existence in my life, especially that of Nurse Franklin, who in my opinion monopolizes the attention of Marcus, whose focus would otherwise be on me, as he was my favorite childhood play-mate (We played all sorts of Shakespeare games!).

Agatha Hammond is the Mother Superior of the family and is really the one with the authority and family rule.  I do not truly know how close she was to my father, however, I suspect it went beyond the acceptable servant/master relationship.

Upon the arrival of Ermytrude Ash and her partner, Perrigine Potter, I am not only weary of how much influence they will have over my downfall (and that of the family) but uncomfortable with their impending addition to my family.  After the loss of Miss Ash, I seek to find ways to get closer to Mr. Potter in order to protect my own skin and to provide momentary satisfaction of pleasure.  I deeply resent anyone who stands in my way of this purpose, save for Monica.

My greatest ambition in life is to keep the prestige and fame of the family name, which in a sense is more about my pride and my fame.  When the family power and control begins to crumble, then so does my serene repose and quiet (yet calculating) control.

See me and my entire clan in A Tomb With A View  which opens Friday, October 25th at Barnstormers' Theatre in Grants Pass, OR.

See related link below:

https://www.facebook.com/events/649334078433144/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

Routine Procedure

Character: Lucy Kingsley

I am an overworked young mother who is the only "bread-winner" in my family.  I have a young son, Cory, who is four years old, with serious health problems.  Since my husband, Jerry, lost his job, we no longer have the health benefits or the finances to cover Cory's medical costs.  I would do whatever it takes to save my son's life.  Hell has no fury---

I have an eternally cheery disposition and want to appear as if I have a heart of gold.  My personal motto is:  "Be the better person" AND "Kill him with kindness."

See me in action this Saturday, October 19th & Sunday, October 20th at Paschal Winery in
Talent, Oregon.  Be there @ 7:00 pm, or watch out!

Information provided below:

https://www.facebook.com/events/578985095472463/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar

The Reason for Being An Actress

The other day on Facebook a dear friend and fellow collaborator in the crazy art of acting and all things community theatre posted a comment about how a past character had once again surfaced and spoken something meaningful to his heart and while I can't completely understand his relationship, I can relate because I, too,  have a character that I internalized, that not only became real, but became so because she found herself in me and I  in her, where suddenly two 'became one' as it were, married to the art of getting the message across, the message of our mutual pain, weaknesses, sorrows, and also of our hopes and joys--

Yes, she was and is me as much as I am myself and playing her helped me to become more of myself.  I found more healing in her than ever on the couch of a therapist's office; more freedom and ability to release and truly let go---

And today, in certain moments, say walking down a city-street at night (however cliche that  may seem), I can sense her, understand her feelings of "walking the street", a sense of power mingled with shame.  Yet I can know honestly why a thing like that is done, to find that momentary healing from the loneliness, to feel wanted, appreciated for something; to catch a glimpse of true love---

And yet still there is that cold, quiet ever present emptiness silenced only by the aching need of a hungry belly and fragile heart, never satisfied, and in that, I can sense her gratitude for understanding.

Some time has passed since the show ended so the ache of missing her is not as sharp, but alas it is there and for that I am grateful, for that strange form of relationship--

That, I suppose, is the pay-off for us unpaid community theatre actors/actresses (hoping someday for that paycheck), for that intense character-work and self-discovery that is the process of our art.

My friend, Peter, played the man, John Merrick, and that is his character.  My friend/theatre mama, Becky, has an 19th century distinguised actress, and me, well, I'm a hooker!

A Reason For Everything..

Chuck Smith, Sr. died this last week and I visited an older man named Bob Davy who lives at Mountain Meadows (a local retirement community) who converted some old VHS films of mine to DVD.

 Throughout this weekend, I was thinking of my Grandpa that just passed (Don Anderson) about a year ago and missing the times I would go to visit him and Mimi and he would make us all Manhattans using his finger to stir the drinks.  Then, we'd all sit around and reminisce and bask in the warmth of familial love, with memories of Michigan summer barbecues with the cousins; playing boci ball on rolling green lawns and catching fireflies at night.  And it struck me yet again that in life nothing is permanent but relationships, memories, and the memories of relationships.  And, the only really way to make life worth living is to cherish the times, so fleeting, so swiftly  passing--

This brings me to the realization about why in the world I had the time I had at Refuge Christian Fellowship and that the reason I met the lovely Char and Grace Brodersen was for 'such a time as this'.  The main reason I grew disillusioned with the whole Calvary Chapel system was because of the celebrity/people worship the congregants have for the Pastors, namely Chuck and his many associates.

Yes in his passing, I see this as a source of healing for me, as I sang in church this morning, "I am willing to let it go"---in that with the one year anniversary of my own grandfather's death, I can see Pastor Chuck's death not as that of a celebrity death but as the passing of the grandfather of a dear friend.

What I realized that the passing of a Grandparent, even if we can know we will see them again, is still a loss, not just of a relationship but in a sense a loss of childhood.  No longer can we visit the grandparents' and experience all that that entails for us individually.

At the end of the day (to quote Grace),  I was blessed to spend time with Char & Grace on our respective journeys on this swiftly turning planet and learn from and grow with and through them...

And now in this time of grieving, we can finally find a true connection as friends, not as Pastor-worship, so to speak.

To Char, I extend my arms, a hug of love, understanding, compassion, and eternal friendship--through from Oregon, true distance of any degree, be it time, space, or even death, need never separate the depth of true friendship.

Refuge Christian Fellowship meets every Sunday mornings at 9:30 in Santa Rosa, CA at 525 5th Street.

http://www.refugecf.com/

A few days ago, a week about, the rain fell on the first day of fall and now some days into autumn, the sun shines through the brisk coolness, the leaves are beginning to change their color, and warm coats, wool caps, and mittens are donned.  College kids have replaced the hoards of camera flashing tourists; and the town begins to crawl steadily into the hush of the still lifelessness of winter, to turn into one-selves, lose ourselves in introspection during the cold winter months to follow.  We close down shop (metaphorically), we disappear inside of ourselves, some grow depressed without the glare and daily blast of Vitamin D, and I, too, seem to alter my perspective in the cycles of the seasons and that of the planet, but, save for the monthly hormonal visits, I become more alive as the colors of nature appear, more vivid against the grayness of the sky.  In the cold, my creativity sparks and my zeal for life awakens--even more, and I once again find myself falling in love with the fall, find myself in love with the Ashland fall, not only with the new gentleman in my life, but with autumn itself, and, yes, even with the memories of past falls that once were--

Yet even still my heart sinks with longing for what once was, a certain little coffee shop whose laughter still rings out in my heart, the warm smell of the coffee bean roasting was not the only invitation, but the love, warmth, and acceptance of loved ones--

And what hurts is that this past is truly now past, what hurts now is those pleasant memories are singed with those of the screaming, the throwing, the rages, the paranoia, and the horrors--

At present, I am aware that my first love walks the street of the town I am living in, and despite some fears for my safety, my heart goes out to him with the desire that he have a warm bed to sleep in, food to fill his belly, and the earnest and hopeful prayer that he will seek out the appropriate healing he so desperately needs and be free from the ravaging lies that are so devastating and destructive--

For he is my Heathcliff and I his Catherine Linton, and as she declared in Wuthering Heights, I say of my Scary-Dark-Boy:

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be, and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger, I would not seem a part of it"--and for my part I share the words one character speaks to another in my play written about my relationship with my first love, pointing to his heart:

"Right here.  You are still right here in my heart.  Even after everything that happened, you are still right here.  You once told me that I needed to find a love more that fire, bells, and whistles.  I needed to know that I am loved.  With you, I have that.  Even when you are far away, when you are not here physically, I still know that I am loved.  When I look into your eyes, I see the reflection of my own soul."

And so it is, as the Gershwins penned, "the way you wear your hat, the way you sip your tea, the memory of all that, no, they can't take that away from me."

And so they shan't.

Though, we will never ever "meet again on the bumpy road to love" but you, my Scary-Dark-Boy, will always remain.  In My Heart.  Forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ehMx12dSF6w

We are not powerless but overcomers!

I was thinking the other day (in fact, frequently) about how we are always, without being consciously aware, giving away our power---in so many ways, whether its obsessing over some past wound an old friend, flame, or foe has caused; whether it was knowingly or unknowingly it is the point that we still allow that scar to affect us, even though it is truly in the past, if we leave it there (which we don't) by obsessing over what was, not truly realizing there is no reason to do so since we have no real way to change, save to truly let it go.

And I think also we give away our power by our use of words.  I frequently find myself using the word "Sorry" when I have no real reason to apologize, for example, if i accidentally bump into someone, the better wording would be "excuse me".

So from now on, in order to perserve my "power" and "energy" and thus maintain my strength, confidence, and purpose, I will make a concerted effort to use the correct wording of "excuse me!"

Reviving the "Inner-Me"

For the past few months, I have been intensely doing character and monologue work, carefully choosing and selecting my five or more different variety of monologues for future auditions.  I realized I needed to choose some good Shakespearean monologues and that, truthfully, I wanted to do something different than the aforementioned Lady M monologue/scene I had done in college.  Without really knowing why, I felt led to Ophelia.

So, thus I began reading perhaps the most Shakespearean of works, the infamous Hamlet.  (Funny, I talked to a majority of my theatre/acting colleagues about this character choice, with the concern that I was too old, and all seemed to encourage and think that I was right for the part.)  So I continued forward...first revelation was that, always the relational actress/human being, I found the relationship between Hamlet and Ophelia to mirror that of mine and my (soon-to-be-yet-not-quite-yet) ex-husband, what with Hamlet's supposed "madness" spilling over onto abuse of Ophelia like that of Bill's illness to mine (which brings up a whole spin-off on the nature of romance and mental illness and how we often abuse the ones we love the most).

So, studying Ophelia then brought on this realization that I needed to study a little about her age-group since some time had passed from my pre-adolescent and adolescent days.  I decided I needed to read "Reviving Ophelia", a book in fact I have longed to read for many a year.    At first, I found that reading the first few pages would help me relate and support my teenage nieces, specifically my precious Teagan, but also Ari and Deborah (beyond Doctor Who conversations).

But, then I continued reading and began to discover how 'playing Ophelia' could help me to revive my own image and self-worth, that which I had lost through the effects of that age and societal and cultural pressures.

This past few weeks I have been subbing in a local middle school.  The teachers and I were discussing how sad it was to think about how the students were going from the innocence and excitement of being a kid to that of a moody pre-teen, and that somehow we wanted to stop that from happening.  I then realized that this was not, in fact, beneficial and that in a way would harm the student if we tried to halt the change.  Furthermore, that if we did somehow succeed in this, we would deter the natural course of growth in their becoming an individual.  We also commented on how separating from childhood is exactly the opposite of what we adults would like; to go back to that innocence we desire to reclaim.

Finally, that is what I believe is my sole purpose in studying and getting to know Ophelia; in reclaiming and reviving that part of myself that was stifled and thus murdered by society, the church, and my former husband.  That this girl mirrors the emphasis of what my life should be at present, one of being completely selfish, practicing self-love as it were, learning to make the right choices for my highest good, not sacrificing that which is dear to me.  Thus, finding and truly healing the inner child within.

That I believe is the real purpose we, actors (in a sense pure artists) invest so deeply in a character, for the personal growth and healing found in discovering that character and healing part of ourselves.

The Heirarchy of Togetherness

A few years ago, in California, I attended a small Calvary Chapel.  Looking back what I remember is how much of a hierarchy there was in what was professed to be a unity of believers.  All members of the congregation seemed to, in a sense, worship the pastor.  They'd repeat his jokes and repeat all  his commentary on spirituality as if he had the final final word on God.  There was no individual thought process, as far as I could see (and yes I admit even in myself) but all that was spoken by him was regurgitated out of the mouths of the "face-less,identity-less flock."

In comparison to this, I have found in my community theatre work out a real sense of camaredie as the title professes, a "hierarchy of togetherness".  With the exception of my lovely room-mate, no one obsesses over or worships the artistic director (see our fearless leader!).  We are all, in a word, in it together and for the long haul, producing in equal parts of effort united in reaching our goal of creative excellency.  (Or at close to that as we can achieve on a limited budget!)

This is in definite contrast to the church I attended in California.  While the church invited everyone to attend, it was with an exception, you must, in a sense, drink the kool-aid, in my humble opinion, not what Jesus meant when Heg said, "All are welcome".  Yes, you can join our church, if you think, act, and dress like us.  I've hinted at this before and in so many words I profess my firm belief that Calvary Chapel is a cult.  (I hear now express that if any readers are members of Calvary Chapels that they remove themselves immediately.  The pastors and leadership are not what they seem.  I can speak personally of psychological damage that has been caused by their influence.)

Not so at the Randall, we produce something that draws all manner of people with our efforts at creative passion hoping that it will reach in a more meaningful fashion than that of any church or religious affiliation because we allow for freedom of thought, beliefs, and individuality.  In my opinion, we offer something of real value.  While some have called us a clique, I concur that we are, in fact, the uncliqueish clique out there, because we accept all into our fold with the express desire that they only be their true selves.

Here's to the crazy ones...if you are, you are welcome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SswMzUWOiJg

What's on the Inside?

The ol' meme tells us: "It's not about what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that matters." --As of this, truly is what keeps our minds from the superficial.

Until recently, I believed myself wholeheartedly that I followed this form of thought.  Until I met someone and found myself not attracted to the physical, insomuch, as to who I perceive they are inside, the beautiful person and passionate creativity that inspires me, touches my soul, and, in a sense, gets me.  I didn't allow myself to admit this attraction because admittedly I was hung up on the exterior, an idea that I discovered in myself to be humbling.

Strangely though, I have discovered, of recent, friends that value me not for my exterior but for the who I really am inside.  In past relationships (primarily with men), I felt objectified by my 'barbie-doll' physique and made to feel unintelligent.  With women, I was immediately seen as a threat to their relationships as soon as I walked in the room and before I even opened my mouth.  Because of this, I strove to hide the blatantly obvious physical, masking it with a sarcastic, sometimes witty, sense of humor.  It often didn't work: guys, at least my assumption says, saw me as not only sexy but funny!  A win for them, I guess.

Fast forward a few years when I started going to church where I was seen as some kind of seductress because of my figure (one that I inherited from my lovely Grandma).  I would walk up to my male "brothers" of the flock to have a friendly conversation and be looked at as if I was trying to jump their bones.  This made me feel so low for the way God built me that I began trying to cover up so much of my body that I was practically wearing a burka and started massively dieting to an extreme so that my body would become more childish, in affect, I would lose my sexuality.  No matter what I did in the church, men saw me as sex-object and thus the enemy.

Until recently, when I started acting and hanging out with the crazy theatre folks, did I begin to accept how I look and finally allow my whole self, the inner me, the real me to emmerge.  And, it is in that that I find healing and acceptance.  You would think with a bunch of actors and theatre folk one would have to be more superficial yet strangely this is not the case.  With my circle of theatre and film folk, I feel as if I am really being looked at, not examined as a possible lay or an immoral enemy, but for the truth of my heart and soul.

For this reason, I am thankful that not only can I finally achieve a healthy sense of mind, heart,  and body but through that I can express myself through creative expression and emotion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFRm2srRC64

Loved you once....

Needed Protection...

On the way home tonight, a song came on the radio that wrenched at my heart.  The words of the song escape me now but listening to its cheesy lyrics I was struck by the image in my mind of my first dance at my wedding; the dance with my first true love.  A painful thought today because I truly believed in my vows to love, honor, cherish in sickness and in health til death do us part.  I never thought I would be who I am today, so much as a 'young divorcee' with a crockpot and a vegetable garden and a cat for company (and yes, two loveable she-roomies who do make the hard times endurable with their love and laughter). 

But, even through the, at times, crushing pain, I know I must move on, that there are others out there for me to love and others who want to love me.  The trick is, through the slow recovery process of moving one step in front of the other, picking up the pieces of my shattered glass heart, am I willing to let love in again? Am I willing to experience new life?

It is a fact of my existence that I hold no regrets for my marital vows.  I made the decision to marry my ex-husband because I truly love him with all my heart and believe he loves me as well.  My focus now must be not on the past but to move forward in faith for what love and experience the future path shall bring; enjoying every moment as if it was my last.

The main theme of my life is to never cease to tell someone you love them; life is short and is to be lived to the fullness, complete with an open heart ready to experience where the spirit leads.

To my first love, I express my undying and eternal love; no matter how far apart the separation or the nature of our future relationship, this truth will never die nor fade.  I love you forever and always!

But, I must move on.  I must allow my heart to be filled with love again and I must continue to move onward with my calling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKwIHfZcU9A

All About Carry A. Nation

 Below is the character sketch I wrote based on my part in my upcoming show, The Great American Western, which opens June 21st at the Randall Theatre:

My name is Carrie Nation, but my father named me Carry Moore, as written in the family Bible. I was born on November 25 in the year of our Lord 1846, in the back country of Kentucky. My father's name was George and he owned a plantation. He held slaves of which I was reared. For example, I wasn't allowed to eat with my family until I came of age, because “children are meant to be seen and not heard”. My mother, Mary, suffered with “mental problems” and thought at times that she was a lady-in-waiting to the queen of England and then the Queen of England.

I have taught as a teacher but was fired from the position thus experiencing financial hardship. So, I married Charles Gloyd, a doctor. My parents objected and I didn't know why, until upon living with him found that he was a severe alcoholic. I left him because he was unable to to provide for the family. Together, we have a daughter, Charlien. Even though I believe children should be seen and not heard, I have a bit more hardship with her because she has emotional difficulties, similar to that of my mother's, caused by her father's alcoholism. For this reason, I have had to commit her to the Texas State Lunatic Asylum. At that time, they also tried to commit me for reasons that are not clear. Furthermore, I have decided my mission in life is to save people from the wreckage caused by alcohol abuse both emotionally and physically. This is God's calling upon my life and I will accomplish this feat by any means necessary.

Due to financial hardship and societal pressures, I have had to remarry Dr. David A. Nation. He is 19 years my senior, but in marriage I have found financial security which affords me the luxury to fulfill God's purpose for my life. He has worked as an attorney, a minister, and a newspaper editor. Our first endeavor, based on my husband's interest, was to purchase a cotton farm. This failed due to my husband's lack of experience (and my lack of interest) in farming.

We now live in Dirtwater where my husband is the preacher in Disciples of Christ church. I have started the Women's Christian Temperance Union (WCTU). I am the president and I have helped many women, including Garmaine, Maggie, and Sioux, out of the depravity of unhealthy lifestyles focusing on men and negative substances. My hope and prayer is that the rest of Dirtwater would turn from their sinful ways. In my spare time, I also volunteer as a jail evangelist and try to reform the inmates, teach Sunday School, and attend to the poor and needy.

The truth is, I have my own demons and driving spirits to contend with, based on past familial neglect and heartaches. When I first arrived in Dirtwater, I founded the temperance union and am determined to get my point across, my point is THE WAY, the ONLY WAY to living the RIGHT LIFE. However, as I push my views around and insist, quite loudly and at times violently, on others, I know deep down my heart is not well. By the time, I am arrested and jailed (for unjustified reasons, I might add), I find deliverance from my own controlling behaviors, in fact realize that such as alcohol is a force that controls some, so do am I addicted to the power of controlling others. In reality, I discover that I lack all control, which scares me more, which increases my desire to appear more and more in control. After Dallas, I realize that by relinquishing control, I not only feel a lot more at peace, but have a better way of reaching people with a message of love, not hate, and transforming their lives to freedom through forming meaningful relationships. This is what I have found now in the place I am in eternity. Saving someone doesn't require control, but allowing yourself to love them where they are at non-judgementally. I show that love at the end by buying the child, Fester, who himself has been delivered, in a sense, a football team. In short, from my time in the outer world, I have found that love is the most valuable gift we are given and can give to others.

I, Carrie Nation, (not Lia Weston) agree to be portrayed in this play in the fashion that I am because I feel that in my life on earth I went about spreading my message with hate and therefore was unsuccessful in my endeavors. I feel that by having myself made into a caricature, the true message of transformation and journey to wholeness will be shown, not just in those I want to reach but in my life.

Beginning Again at 35!

With the life transistion of divorce and lost love, I have finally realized that there is more to this world than Ashland, Oregon, and that if I ever want to make the difference I desire in this world and to truly following my calling, my path is leading me out of Oregon.  Truly though for more reasons that I can count, Oregon, and especially Ashland, will have a dear place in my heart and will always remain my true home (even more than the place I grew up).

I realize, of course, that my time as an actress and the career I am building here is very much like candy-land compared to the world that I go after---and thus, that I need to thicken my skin while still allowing my heart to open.  This weekend's lesson was that, even in 'Candy-land', one must expect, but not hope for, rejection and learn to not take that personal.  Keep hoping, keep moving forward, to the next audition!

Furthermore, I am truly learning the benefits of always being labeled a "crazy person" because it takes a crazy person to be an actor; to put oneself through the sometimes humiliating process yet exhilarating high of auditions and callbacks, the grueling process of rehearsals, character work, tech weekends, all for that glorious, well-earned moment of the final applause at the end of the show.  The satisfaction of a job well done!  Yes, I am a little crazy.  Truly, a fact of my very bona-fide existence.

So, the days ahead for me entitle audition prep, continued work on character for the upcoming show and film, find the day-job that will help pay off bills and debt that will afford me the luxury of saving money, as well as choosing through careful prayer and wisdom from above the place I will eventually land.  And patience, that's the ticket.  Be patient in the "climb!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpTYG_Sqqdg

My next show, The Great American Western, opens June 21st at the Randall Theatre in Medford, Oregon.  I play Carry A. Nation.  See you there!

Love in the Theatre?

When I was 20 years old, a sophomore in college, trying to find myself in the world and understand what it meant to be an actual adult, I had a sexual, almost romantic, relationship (?) with my drama teacher.  I stupidly thought that that was my ticket into the dramatic world and it ended up leading me away from my dreams of the stage and stardom, bringing on an already present propensity to anxiety and depression (the beginning of the Bipolar days, pre-diagnosis). 

Dissappointed with the loss of my passion and hopes, I fell into the belief that it was a childhood fancy and not the true purpose of my existence.  But, a part of me was stifled and felt unfulfilled.  Until two years ago....two years ago I married my once upon a time sweetheart and moved back to the town of my alma-mater where I dreamed of getting my start as an actress....and finally, finally "walked the boards", as they said, and, thus, found the happiness, peace, love, acceptance of self (from self and others) that I always needed and wanted.

Along the way, my confidence in physical self increased.  I no longer care how I look because I know I am attractive.  I also have found healing emotionally from past wounds and continue to find release from these personal demons (both internal and external (see: certain individuals from California) and gained a confidence inside that enhances the outward shine.  And along the way...for whatever reason, his and mine...I watched my "once upon a time sweetheart" slip away, a very fact that I have now become resigned.  And the ol' joke is, my husband lost his wife at the theatre but, alas, the show must go on.  How? Its a mystery...

So, newly divorced, yes, a little cynical, I find some gentlemen in my film and theatre profession turning my head and catching my fancy.  The intrigue is to fall in love in the theatre with someone who also is in love with the theatre, yet am I ready for that? Am I ready for love? Do I believe in "life after love" and all of that? Am I ready to, in fact, as Taylor Swift croons "Begin Again?"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXcWyzx3Tho

Why Community Theatre?

I sit here with a cup of tea, trying to find the words to express the power and signficance community theatre has been in my life.  

My background as an actress has been varied, mostly in short films or plays that friends' have asked me to do, whereas in college, I got pushed away by those I thought could actually help.  But, still the hunger (as presently the rumble in my stomach proves) existed, burned: to create out of the clay that is my body, soul, heart a character, work of art.  I needed something outside of myself to define myself.  Even more than that, I knew not what I truly needed, a family of friends that would encourage me to follow my dreams, my passion, believe in me, stand for me and with me, and thus even moreso shape my identity. 

And, that is what I found in my local community theatre.  While some may call it unprofessional or even go so far as to call it a dump----I don't care!  Because what I am learning in my heart, it is what lies inside that matters beyond the physical or external reality. 

My theatre, the Randall Theatre, proudly expresses itself to be a "No Ego Zone."  What strikes me is that, we, in the human race, for whatever reason have an ego and can never truly walk this world in our skin suits without our pride getting in the way.  But, the meme of the Randall really asks is that one sacrifices their ego for the good of the production and the theatre.  In short, its not about you!

This is hard and I must admit even in myself it is all too frequently a struggle to banish that from myself.  While I agree that it healthy to have confidence in oneself, I see it in myself slipping into that egotistical mind-frame.  And, in truth, I see that as the danger-zone that can greatly diminish the quality of my art as well as those in my cast and the play as a whole.

So, why community theatre?  Not just the intensive training for possible future dreams yet unachieved, not just for the familial atmosphere and lifelong friends, but for the work to destroy in self all aspects of pride and ego--and move onto the greater good of art that uplifts and transforms self and the community.

Professional-Smoffesional!

Many friends & colleagues of mine have tossed out the word "professional actress" my way, in relation to my career--and I really must say that I, in fact, am faking it.  Well, not really.

Its just that in all of my life, I don't take it that seriously.  I hold onto this world lightly and appreciate the blessings handed down to me, the opportunities to work as both a teacher & an actress, yes, even a writer, in short, the ability to create & tap into my artistic side with the luxury of having my bills paid. 

So, I fake it.  Well, not really.  I think it comes down to the very idea that I know I am good & worth the time & the effort one puts into me.  I will work hard because I am confident that I can do whatever task is handed to me, to the best of my abilities & be proud of my efforts & the outcome.  (For I know all that has been given to me, the resources & opportunities, are provided for my learning, personal growth, & advancement of others.  (And, yes, myself, TG!)

So, in a sense, its confidence, not professionalism.  But, if you were wish be to call me "professional", I thank you with a humble heart & appreciate the thought. 

Moths to Blessings

Well, its been an awfully long time since I have transcribed words across this 'here blog' and yet I am a little unsure of what to write.

A lot has happened in my life since the last entry, as in I finished the aforementioned play, which birthed into Scrooge, A Magical Musical, which in a way solidified my calling as an actress & singer, and inspired the impulse to keep writing--as in an idea for a screenplay floated through my consciousness during that production, mainly something along the lines of "A Twisted Meg Ryan Movie".  Very shortly I will once again trespass across the boards at 'Ye Ole Randall Theatre" in the upcoming production of "The Elephant Man!"

But, what I really have been thinking of late is how finding my calling has brought such transformation and healing into my life.  In fact, the word for 2012, regardless of the "meme" for that year, for me personally, is "Redemption".  And, in a sense, because of all that transpired in that year, I find myself truly understanding that word in its fullest sense, even though I have studied the very word for many a year now.

Because of my getting back into the wonderful world of the stage, I truly found healing, more of which than ever possible on the couch of a psychotherapist!  I've learned the value of honoring your word & keeping to your commitments.  I've learned that the heart is wide & accepting of so much love, if you allow it--and even, that I am a time-lady, truly, and have the capacity to love more than one, and yet still honoring the one my heart, mind, & soul is bethrothed.

I've realized what it means to be truly, "In God's Will"--to truly "step out in faith, follow his leading, & trust".  I've seen God work, provide, move, and do miracles in many of my friends lives, from being brought back from the brink of death and the list goes on...and on...and on...

Its not all been easy, and I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, but I am grateful for each step, each moment---if only for the amazing friends that have become family in my life now, and the lessons of love that have been brought my way.

Daily I am astounded by the beauty & love that I am blessed with, by the people God surrounds me with!

I pray every day for God to continue to "push my boundaries further" so I can know more of the great love He has for me & venture into more & more places to discover more of myself & be me to my fullest potential!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear