All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

 

All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

Yesterday, April 29, 2022, marked another milestone of my life, leaving behind year 43 and beginning a new with 44 (& many more on channel 44).  Over the last year of intensive trauma-related therapy, I've had what seems like an intense reflection upon all of my past occurrences, flying quickly to the fore-front of my mind in a vivid recall, both happy but moreover the unhappy, darker times of my life, where impulse control ruled and poor decisions were executed.  I recall these moments to such a fine pointed degree that I can feel the emotion beyond my reactivity, the response of those around, the end result within, and then suddenly, I am once again in the present moment, reflecting upon all that transpired that caused me to react in that past moment.  

They say when you die, you realize all of your life flash before you as you transcend upwards toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps, though, that is a metaphor for the therapeutic recovery process one undergoes during trauma work, causing a death to the old self, a thorough understanding within, and, finally, a deeper appreciation for the simplest aspects of life and all its lovely beauty.

So, here I am at 44, experiencing the fullness of the expense of all my life at once, recognizing at last that of every season, every decision, every high, every low, made me who I am today, leading me nearer and nearer towards the fullness of myself.  This revelation came about after taking advantage of the time off brought about by Covid19 restrictions shutting us down, going deeper within myself than ever before, and doing the hard work necessary, not just upon my creative projects (however, everything done, whether inner or outer, works to achieve soul wholeness), but upon healing, to find true freedom and enjoyment of life. 

"You are so full of life," a friend said of me, "I can't imagine what age you might be."

To her, I responded, its through the patient and steady efforts of healing recovery that true joy and love of life is acquired, nothing less will suffice. 

 Not the manic self my Bipolar brain falls into at times, for that is not at all akin to true joy and peace.  Only the steady and sure steps towards fully knowing, healing, and forgiving oneself is what will garner one towards inner prosperity.

Finally, the biggest gift given to me on this birthday was, in fact, not the breast reduction I received one week and a day before (although that was quite substantial, pun not intended), but the most vital gift of such healthy and fulfilling connections with true friends that uplift and finally give love towards me that is without conditions.  In so much of my life, I have quoted the message of my favorite movie, "The Wizard Of Oz", that being, "There is no place like home and home is of the heart", but truly the fullness of that was never realized until I took the painful but necessary steps to separate myself from that which was toxic, energy draining, the 'friends' that were more 'frenemy', and allowed the fullness of true friendship and pure love to surround and overwhelm.  From that well, I dove deep into my own self-love, continuously finding healing and strength to persevere, to once again, trust, and find the pure joy of living.

As I set forth on this first day of 44, wondering what experiences will become vivid memories in the years that tumble forth, hoping that it will be that which is the simple, the enjoying laughter of my trusted loved ones celebrating with me yesterday and last night, the taste of the three yummy coffee drinks I received for my day, the beautiful walk I took this morning with the few, soft drops of rain falling onto my hair, my cheek, my coffee down my long driveway of which I love to walk, but hate to drive upon in my small blue Kia that hits every bump dramatically no matter how slow and meticulously I drive, falling asleep mid-morning in bed reading with my beloved fur-daughter, Tansy, near by, such simple bliss will come in the days to come as well as those with more grandeur, but each I will take with the steady steps of one filled with love within and surrounded by the blessing of pure, unconditional without. 

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All You Need Is Love

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 43: My boobs, My Sonic, & My Wedding D...

In this episode, I begin by sharing the reason why I am so heavily medicated and should be in bed instead of vlogging, which leads to a discussion on long term intentions, the reasoning behind, and how to achieve, basically, enjoy the journey in the getting there. I read an entry of a journal from March 1990 showing my early desire to be an actor and writer, which brings on a discussion on my intuitive self as well as that which tried to silence it. For wedding dress information: https://www.mercari.com/u/916281165/ Gofundmes: Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Four. TW: Child Abuse

An Open Letter To The Children Of Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
(& all children with abusive parents & parents with mental health issues)

First off, I don't know you personally nor do you know me, but I have born witness to some drama between your parents through social media as many have, seen how your mother has fought for her safety as well as yours, and also have my own experience with childhood trauman and abuse that I feel a pressing need to reach out.  This is that way.

By now, you are old enough to have spent many years of your life on this planet and raised by your mother, father, various other relatives, and loved ones.  Most likely, you have born witness to many of your father's bouts with mania, depression, rage, and perhaps other mood variants.  I can imagine his instability leaves you in a place of uncertainty, perhaps fearful, confused.  As a young child, you look up to both your parents and need them to help guide you to become the person you were meant to be.  When a parent is unable to do so based on their own struggles, they are unable to be fully there for you, which, most likely, leaves you feeling lonely, lost, confused.  You see, adults' are humans too,  and just like children, some have yet to heal their own inner demons and childhood traumas before becoming parents.

Most importantly, what you need to know is:

It's Not Your Fault.

When you lie in bed at night, pulling the covers close, and hear your father yelling, when you are playing or watching TV during the day and you hear your father raging, when you read about online your father's rantings on social media:

It's Not Your Fault.

For your own health and to continue to grow into a thriving human, you must first take care of yourself.  Yes, love your father as you do, but you are not responsible for him nor are his savior.  Your mother did the right thing for herself and for each of you when she stepped out of the marriage.  She is not responsible for your father nor can she save him.  Her responsibility is for herself and, most importantly, to ensure that each of you grow up to feel cherished, loved, in an environment that is safe and enables you to truly thrive as who you were meant to be.

Throughout your life, your father will fluctuate throughout his mood swings, he may, at times, resume stability, but throughout it all, please take care of yourselves first.  Love him, encourage him to take care of himself, but love yourself and take care of yourselves first.

And remember always, his behavior and abuse towards your mother and others:

It's Not Your Fault.

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Fight Song

 

The Mary Tamm Chronicles, Chapter 15: 1978 Doctor Who

This starts a short new series on this channel where the Timekeys Romana reads from the autobiographies written by Romana 1 (Mary Tamm) about her years working on the iconic Doctor Who.

The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction webseries includes Hearts-Sick, HomeSick, MindSick & TimeSick.

Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the former name of Cafe Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, all film & media produced under Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the property of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC. Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC does not own the rights to Doctor Who or BBC material.

Premieres This Sunday at 7! This starts a short new series on this channel where the Timekeys Romana reads from the autobiographies written by Romana 1 (Mary Tamm) about working DW!

An Ex-Fundie On Easter Weekend

Last weekend, April 15th-April 17th, it was Easter Weekend, you know, the Christian holiday wherein they celebrate the raising from the dead of their beloved Jesus.  In truth, I ain't got no beef with the J-Man, nor do I have any with his followers of any creed or following.

Because of this, last weekend went a lot more quiet and serene then years previous.  Years where I professed openly my adoration of Jesus The Christ and all his teachings, where I hungrily read the bible at coffee shops, and dutifully trotted off to church (Calvary Chapel) every chance I could, hoping for some shred of friendship from that which I referred to as 'eternal family', all being blind to the fact that this lifestyle which I professed, this church which I hoped would be the answer to my aching heart, was swiftly becoming a cult.  The years that tumbled after were fraught with the agony of deconstruction from such faith, as it can be called, shifting between that of anger, sadness, bargaining, betrayal, then, at last, a sense of acceptance for what was and what is, finally, appreciating the good memories and letting go of the bad, forgiving and venturing forth.

In that place, I ventured into the Easter Weekend 2022, choosing to focus on the child-like joys I enjoyed as a child, that of the fun of dying easter eggs, the wonderment of waking up on Easter Sunday to discover what treasures the Easter Bunny left behind, the delight of looking deep within my Easter basket for all the goodies, and the yummy scrumptiousness that is the Easter morning breakfast and Sunday night family dinner.  

I chose that and in the peacefulness that flowed out from that joy, messages from whatever the divine may be, made their way into my heart, not enforced by the external but from an internal and eternal knowing within.

I began the weekend on Friday, April 15th, celebrating the birth of my beloved furbaby, the fabulous Leo Meister Meyer:

Leo's 22nd Birthday

That weekend, I also spent some much needed time with my special friend, Ada, the american eskimo pup:

The connection I have to many a furry friend or baby is the most special of my life, their unconditional acceptance and love is a value that strengthens, upholds, and teaches me the value of giving and receiving love merely for my existence and nothing more.

On that Friday night as well, I spent a delightful time with my "Facebook Room Party" family, painting my nails, eating dinner and sipping wine, and enjoying the chatter of catching up and loving these dear souls of who I have grown closer to during the craziness of pandemic life.  Truly, throughout these last few years, I have found peace in finally choosing only to surround myself with and honor that which is uplifting and healthy in my personal connections.

The revelation of the true power of my intuition was the guiding light behind every choice made, from insisting on my worth of my right to raise my rates as an online model (okay, cam-model), from being led to the friend who would drive me to my surgery appointment, to watching a TV show I have yet to experience only to discover that the screenwriter was none other than Eva Anderson, the daughter to Harry Anderson, of whom I connect with as soul father. 

In truth, these days, and perhaps all of my life mostly un-recognized, he seems to find his way into every facet, every life lesson, every evolution.  In times of sadness for that which I never have or will ever, I feel him whispering, "Daddy's little girl" to strengthen and calm my broken heart.

Discovering thus about his daughter, Eva, this weekend was even more meaningful when I realized that Saturday, April 16th, was the fourth anniversary of his passing in 2018.  It was, as if, in a strange way this was his gift for me, his guidance or, perhaps, my intuition guiding towards this connecting point.

In the same vein of the name, I began to read a biography I had picked up many years ago, that of the life of Evita, or Eva Peron.  A woman I have always found of such interest, desiring to know the true reasoning behind her, why she was loved and adored, the nuance of her, both the good and the bad.  Finally, the meaning of names began an insightful lesson of the weekend itself.

The meaning of Eva, then, is truly that of 'life, living one, and mother of life', to put it more succintly:

Eva Peron orchestrated herself to be the mother of life and a very real 'refuge' for her beloved descamisados. Such then, the connection with Eva Anderson may be also a reminder of a refuge within.  It is an interest to note that on the weekend wherein the religious look toward an eternal father, I, too, meditated and found value in the true power of what a real, loving father could have been for me and what my life could have become if I had such.

This led me finally to ponder and share the meaning both literally and spiritually of the personal identity and moniker I have chosen for myself: Why Me

Reflecting first on the name I was given at birth, "Julia" meaning "youthful one", I recognized how that shaped my sense of self to remain trapped in a personality that was pleasing to those who wanted to control and subdue me.  Thus, Lia, who I always felt within, is that of a "bearer of good news, languid, relaxed, finally finding rest."  In a very real sense, this sense of repose and rest were the most real in this personal 'vacay' of my own selected spiritual Easter weekend. 

Then, the second part of my first name, Elizabeth, a long held deep connection that of is almost like an alternate universe identity (explained further in the above vlog), brings the meaning of 'abundance, royalty, promise, assurance, trust, comfort, and, at last, stability."  My chosen middle name, Rose, long since one I find a spiritual connection to, means that of the "miraculous love at work in the world"  My chosen surname, Dugal, is one of which I am still researching in many ways and will reveal when the time is right.  

Thus, my name, as of now, becomes fully:

Lia Elizabeth Rose:

 the bearer of good news, that of abundance, promise, and stability, which is the miraculous love at work in the world.

To myself and to those who read, those I love, those I shall reach, the world may seem dark and foreboding, the evil may appear to be rising and prevailing, but from what I have discovered in my journey, love abides, guides, heals, and, finally resolves to success.

Love is you, you and me

Love is knowing we can be

Love Is

  

 

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 42: The Douglas Adams Edition & Night ...

In this episode, at long last, I figure out the meaning of life, the universe, and everything...42....well, maybe not. Instead I share a recent experience making amends and how it brought about even more healing & self-understanding of my empath abilities, then read an entry of my 11 year old self hoping a girl her age reads her words but she got something else instead, then share my two favorite Night Court Stars, yeah, maybe not. DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive

MindSick, Episode Five: Revealed #doctorwho #fanfiction #timekeys

The Doctor, Romana & Lauryn take a bold leap, all experience a final battle with their inner demons, Theresa and Romana reconcile, The Doctor and Lauryn heal old wounds. Orion seeks redemption in an unusual method and source. The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction webseries includes Hearts-Sick, HomeSick, MindSick & TimeSick. Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the former name of Cafe Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, all film & media produced under Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the property of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC. Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC does not own the rights to Doctor Who or BBC material.

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 41: Will Smith, Healing Rain, & Saving...

In this episode, I begin by sharing how some occurrences this weekend in my personal life helped me discover even more my self worth and value in relationship, then turn my attention a matter more national/global that of the Will Smith/Chris Rock Oscar slap and discuss what I feel the REAL reason all are so triggered by its happening, then I close with a short entry about my 11 year old self describing what's important or not in fifth grade (or life), which leads to pondering how what we learned in our childhood shaped the pathways of our life throughout, those we need to re-evaluate and those that still hold value of import today. For more on the Will Smith/Chris Rock from my POV: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-slap-post-pandemic-trauma-recovery.html Help DJ Michael & Elizabeth: DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive

MindSick Episode Four: Twists & Turns #doctorwho #fanfiction #timekeys

In this episode, Romana makes a discovery, The Doctor comes face to face with his own darkness, Theresa and Lauryn reunite, The Doctor and Romana have a breakthrough, and the truth is finally revealed to Theresa. The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction webseries includes Hearts-Sick, HomeSick, MindSick & TimeSick. Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the former name of Cafe Girl Thriving Artists, LLC, all film & media produced under Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is the property of Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC. Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC does not own the rights to Doctor Who or BBC material.

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Three. TW: Spiritual Abuse

It seems a decade ago when Kanye West's rampage against Pete Davidson and his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian on social media was all the talk replaced now with the infamous Oscar slap.  (For my thoughts, see here: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-slap-post-pandemic-trauma-recovery.html).  However, even if Kanye West's rantings are not currently in the mainstream dialogue, rest assured they will arise again, as recent history as well as the cyclical nature of Bipolar reflects, thus I still feel it pertinent to continue this blog series.

For today's entry, I want to focus on the spiritual abuse component of the relationship between Kanye and Kim.  If you have been following this blog, as well as other means of my content, you are most assuredly aware that I spent a great deal of time in my twenties as a practicing fundamentalist Christian, having started around the tender age of 22 (give or take) in the year of our Lord 2000 (er, sure, yeah, okay), to find myself exiting the church one noon Sunday never to return in 2010.  The years that tumbled forth from that departure were a-wash with dealing with an abusive spouse, trying to continue stability within my own mental health as well as survive in this 'material world', while beginning the awkward and alone-ness of deconstructing from Christian fundamentalism. 

Spiritual abuse is described as "Any attempt to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs can be spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse can happen within a religious organization or a personal relationship. Spiritual abuse is not limited to one religion, denomination, or group of people."  For me, my experience with spiritual abuse happened within the confines of intimate relationship as well as corporately within the church.   In addition, the depths to which spiritual abusers can go reflects the extent of time, closeness, and sway they have over their victims."  

For my part, I was fortunate in that my time within the fundamentalist worldview was under a decade and I did not experience any real physical or sexual abuse from being a part of it.  However, this does not negate the abuse I experienced as well as the pain and trauma I hold, nor does it for others as well.  Thus, I can say with much assertion that I am a person who has experienced spiritual abuse and therefore can claim an additional aspect of PTSD labeled "Religious Trauma Syndrome". 

Religious trauma syndrome is described as: "occuring when an individual struggles with leaving a religion or a set of beliefs that has led to their indoctrination, often involveing the trauma of breaking away from a controlling environment, lifestyle, or religious figure."

Despite having left the church a year before my ill-fated marriage, the effects of the church's indoctrination ran deep and I found my mind still succumbing to the controlling beliefs on woman's roles within  my abusive marriage.  Because of this,  I believed both that if I prayed for and practiced marital submission the marriage would be successful.  Moreover, I carried an inner martyrdom belief that somehow all the abuse that befell upon me was somehow a fault within myself.  In addition, being raised in a family that mirrored the marriage of which I found myself within played a significant role in my staying within the confines of this abusive situation.  

I share this in relation to the Kanye/Kim saga because Kanye West has recently professed to be a fundamentalist Christian, having come out with his song, "Sunday Service" and trying to adhere to the regular practices of this religion.  One of those it would seem would be the theme of patriarchy and mysogyny within the confines of fundamentalist Christianity.  

Fundamentalist Christianity uses the scriptures below as means to subjugate and dominate women: 

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."  --Ephesians 5:22-33

"I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.  A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.  For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.  But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."-- 1 Timothy 2:9-15

"But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."--1 Corinthians 11:3

I share all these,  (at risk of being triggered and spiraling backwards in my recovery) because of the below posts from Kanye West's instagram ravings:

In each of these exchanges, Kanye West, backed by his followers, uses the tactic of spiritual doctrine based on the beliefs on the above scriptures, to enforce his control over Kim Kardashian and his children.  His followers, most likely believers in the fundamentalist Christian version of God, assert his right as father to have utmost control and to dictate what his children should do because he is the spiritual head of the family.  In doing this, they ignore the blatant abusiveness of Kanye's words and actions, only wanting their worldview to be dominate and to continue to keep women and children, like Kim Kardashian and her children, in the place of subordinate.  

Because of this, I see Kanye West using spiritual abuse tactics as another means of controlling and abusing his ex-wife.  In addition, this may have been tactics he used to force her to stay with  him while they were still "happily and biblically" wed.  

Dear reader, if any of this rings true and you feel as you have experienced spiritual abuse, please know you are not alone.  No matter the abusive indoctrination of the supposed religion, you do have value and are deeply loved.  Please reach out for support during your deconstruction process: https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/spiritual-abuse 

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed (I would pray)
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 40: AG Dolls & Who is Jerry Superan TW...

In this episode, I read more of my childhood diary, which starts with my girl-hood self "who shall I marry", which brings about some mirth & curiousity, (um, Oedipus Complex, maybe?), but then suddenly I'm giving the crash course of my life growing up, detailing how & when I met the man I would marry, what the marriage was really like (hint: it wasn't happily ever after), the final entry shows my 11 year old depressed self, a hard reality, of which leads me to close with a promise to my younger self, that my life may be difficult but will have purpose and whole lotta love. Referenced in this vlog: American Girls Podcast: https://www.americangirlspod.com/ Make Me Smile: https://www.facebook.com/selfinflictedsmile If you desire to help some really cool people, try these folks: DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive