Increasingly in my life recently, I have felt as if the veil has been lifted, between the physical and spiritual realm. Fresh insights and understandings heighten my life as I encounter the occurrences of daily life. The most meaningful lesson of my life thus far this year has been the experience of finding healing and freedom within different ages of me.
For instance, having a showcase of my original play, One Of Us, performed at a local play-reading brought back into my life a friend and former flame from the time of life the play is very loosely based upon. This relationship started around age 23 and by restoring a friendship with this man, this red-head, I have been able to re-examine the part of myself that once fell for him and the reasons behind the relationship's demise, namely the church's intrusion in the matters of my heart. As I struggled with these feelings, my 23 year old self asserted herself.
"Please," she explained. "Just let me explore this without worry, concern, or influence. I never got that before, its very therapeutic."
So, as a good enlightened older self, I listened and let her have it, and thus the healing has begun, then as it is now.
This last Monday, March 4th, my poor 15 year old self was dealt a heart-break of her own kind. One of her teen heart-throbs, Luke Perry, died of a massive stroke on that day, finding this out after a morning walk where the Universe gifted me with a stock pile of heart shaped rocks. Love in abundance, let me tell you.
As the shock waves erupted over me due to that loss, I was once again back into the reality of my teenage self. I meditated upon the significance of this show in my early life and how, like most things in my past, I have been afraid to proclaim my love of and admiration for it. As I sat through my pain, my 15 year old came to me, distraught, sobbing, at a loss for words, insisting that I buy her '90210' t-shirts as a memorabilia. I tried to explain that the finances were not really available for this special treat, but at 15 she was still not clear on the concept of finances and the issues surrounding money. She sat begging before me, unable to understand her emotions.
My 23 year old self was a little more understanding. She was a recent graduate of college, was working a full-time job, had rent, and other financial issues to attend to, so thus all she requested was to hang out with the boy, maybe to grab a cup of coffee or a drink with him sometime. Okay, that's it. We can do that.
But, as I looked over at my 15 year old self, I took all of her in, recalling everything that was her world back then. She had already suffered the heartbreak of two boyfriends leaving her, one of which who had bounced into a relationship with her so-called best friend, maybe an hour after giving her the big dump. One of her other friends had disappeared off to Chico with her boyfriend and just vanished from her life. (You have to remember this was basically pre-Internet or cellphone, so there was no real instant communication, unless face to face.) Her siblings had all gone off to college, leaving her at home alone with her parents. She was trapped up on a hill above a very small rural vineyard-filled town. She was very much alone and very much depressed, and if she hadn't already, she had made her first suicidal gesture. She'd spend much of June, laying in her bed, unable to move until 12:00 pm, when she would begrudgingly pull herself from bed, until the Prozac kicked in and elevated her mood, a bit, just a bit. Beverly Hills, 90210 was more than an escape, but just as much apart of her understanding of the world as her physical surroundings. Added to this, death is a lot more intense than having an old flame return to your life, especially to a young naive 15 year old girl who had yet to experience the reality of mortality.
So, yeah, I gave in and bought her those t-shirts and immediately the crease in her brow relaxed, the crying lessened, she sighed deeply. It wasn't that that I had spoiled her rotten, instead I had allowed her to feel heard, which made her feel she mattered, which lessened the extent of her far-reaching pain. So much of her life, and mine, I have spent personally de-valuing me and allowing myself to be devalued by others, to not share myself in fear of being rejected, losing out on love. That same day, I made the public announcement of my love for Beverly Hills, 90210, another facet of acknowledging my younger self and releasing myself and her from living in any sense of shame.
Its just a TV show after all, from the 90's. But, the act of proclamation runs deeper than that. Its proclaiming with pride who I am, what I value, and receiving love from those who equally value me. Its allowing myself the freedom to express myself and the reassurance of being heard, thus my value and self-confidence grows exponentially.
When death comes in, I always am gifted with a valuable lesson by the one passing onward. I feel grateful that by his passing, Luke Perry helped me to acknowledge a deeper love and appreciation for myself, a willingness to be open, vulnerable, and truthful. Basically, allowing me to come into myself more fully and be truly me. I am eternally grateful to him for that as well as the entire cast of my beloved teen favorite TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210. Rest In Power, Luke & much love to his cast-mates, many thanks, 15 year old Lia!
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