How I Got Free!

In a recent blog, I finally came out about my past experiences with a cult-experience, that of my time as a "member" of different Calvary Chapels.  I spoke of both the enjoyable experiences and also those not so enjoyable, those that helped me finally realize what CC had become, in short a cult.

I won't go into detail about how I discovered Calvary to be a cult, that story can be found under an entry under "My Story, My Words, At Last", but more importantly, I want to share my story of healing for those who have recently left Calvary or any other cult.  I know how painful those early steps away can be, not wanting to believe that something that seemed so good can actually be so destructive.  Actually, it took about four years after leaving Calvary, to finally find peace and healing from the disastrous effect, to finally let my mind be cleansed from the mind-control.

Looking back, my recovery seemed to parallel from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, although during the height of my withdrawal period, I did not see it this way.  I only knew at the time that I was struggling to find answers to what I went through, to feel not so alone, and to discover some form of closure to that part of my life.

To start with, I believe I went through these steps either all at once or went back and forth through them as I struggled to find healing.  The first step is denial and isolation.  Both in the final days of life at Calvary and the immediate days afterward, I did not want to believe what my heart, my soul, my God was revealing to me.  I wanted to keep Calvary in that warm, fuzzy place it had been in the early days...didn't want to see the truth that was revealed to me as I got deeper and deeper into the organization.  Then, as the days and years passed, came anger, anger at the time lost while belonging (or not really belonging but trying to), anger at the corruption and mind control, anger at my friends still involved, and then anger at how these same friends are still involved and my wanting to help them find freedom.

With the step of bargaining, I do not see how that fits in with my recovery other than with trying to convince my Calvary Chapelite friends to break free themselves, which in part, led to my depression and heartbreak of losing said friends.  But also there was a mourning, a loss of childhood as it were, a time in my life, as I have said, that seemed good, even beautiful, that turned into a nightmare, of sorts.

Finally, true freedom and healing came not in revenge as I had thought during the times I fell back into the anger phase, but in acceptance of what was and is, and then forgiveness for all of it.  This came through two unique sources, a woman pastor at a church I attended who spoke of her time in a fundamentalist based church and a former room-mate.  This pastor spoke about how, in the end, she sees the time spent in that church as beneficial because it taught her another view of God.  The room-mate, when I was mentioning how much I wanted to "save my friends from being saved", quietly told me not to worry because all people have their paths.

In those two beautiful women, I found the pathway to healing, acceptance, and forgiveness which led, at once, to freedom.  I now hold no regrets or anger towards my time at Calvary, or hold any ill-will to the pastors or the members, for they are human beings, flawed as we all are and as mentioned earlier, they have their paths to follow as we all do.  In that freedom, I can finally now offer love and support to those still involved, in a true non-judgmental way, as well as to those in the process of breaking free.  I believe, wholeheartedly now, that love is the answer and the divine source that binds us all, heals us all, and brings true connection for us all.

I hope this entry helps bring healing and understanding, enlightenment to your own path towards freedom, gentle reader.  Below, I have attached links to several other ex-Calvary members who have written about their process to healing.  Furthermore, I know there are many who feel the need to bring about retribution for the abuse done by Calvary, I can only say I stand behind their efforts completely, though that is not my destiny.  My desire is to love, help heal, and stand beside those others who have broken free, in any possible way.

Break Away

A beautifully written blog by a fellow ex-Calvary member.  I have been inspired by how gracious she writes of her past experience but with truthful insight and integrity.
http://www.elizabethesther.com/2011/01/why-we-left-calvary-chapel-costa-mesa.html

A dear friend's account of his revelations as a CC member and how he broke free.
http://www.metroactive.com/papers/sonoma/04.02.98/calvary-9813.html

Meet Laura Sullivan

For the first twelve years of my life, I was raised, on and off, by my mother, Penny.  She was an alcoholic, I can admit now, although then I tried desperately to cover for her, to make her drinking not such a big deal, at least for me not so much for her.  I wanted to hold onto some kernel of belief that my childhood was happy, healthy, normal, in some way, albeit only fantasy.  For so many reasons, I was older than my age for at twelve years I had already seen and been exposed to so much.

Eventually, it became too hard to pretend.  We bounced from place to place, sometimes staying for a few days and sometimes longer.  She had many different boyfriends during those times, sometimes even girlfriends, but the most permanent fixture in our lives (if you can call anything in my childhood "permanent") was life with Leon, the worst of all.  I never felt particularly safe with him, for myself or mostly for my mother's sake.  For years, I watched, in terror, while he hit and physically abused her, yet always she went back to him.  She took most of the blows from him, on both of our behalf, so, I guess, that's one way she showed her motherly affection and duty.  Although with no lock on the bathroom door, I never truly felt secure while taking a shower, because Leon could come in whenever he wanted.  My mother tried to assure me he wasn't interested in my childish body, yet I was never convinced.

The one bright spot in those years of my life was the few weeks I spent with Captain Royal.  I hoped, during that time, that he would become my dad and a good match for my mom.  However, our paths seem destined to not be chosen for us.  My mom bounced back and forth between Leon's place and Royal's house, finally getting herself arrested on association with Leon's drug dealing habits.  It was then that she gave up custody and all rights to her parentage.  Thus, I became a ward of the state and was taken away from Royal, who was restricted from seeing me based on false allegations due to my shaky testimony during the trial.

I went to live in foster care with a family in the country, on a big farm with lots of children, chickens, and other livestock.  I grew to love and appreciate them, but at first felt isolated, alone, and trapped.  I never forgot Royal or the times I spent in his presence.  Those times were my first glimpse at the reality of hope and love.

I often wondered, as I grew up, why my mother was as she was, did what she did, and just couldn't stop drinking--but years later when we finally reunited, she explained to me why, how she drank to hide from the pain, to fill the aching void in her heart, the need for love.  In turn, this helped me understand my own addiction of co-dependency and need for love.

I have since married a wonderful man, Jorge, and together we have a beautiful daughter.  We have just opened a seafood restaurant together, our long-term dream.

Before her death, I found peace at last with my mother and even some form of mother-daughter relationship.  I have also reunited with Captain Royal, the only real father figure with whom I ever truly connected.

Come hear more of my store this Monday, October 27 at 6:30 pm at the Ashland Public Library in the Gresham Room.

https://www.facebook.com/events/960142974002564/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Meet Penny Sullivan

Hi! I'm Penny Sullivan and I am 30 years old.  Growing up, I was raised in a very wealthy family, good schools, summer camps, everything I could possibly want, except my daddy wasn't around much, away on business as it always was (though what "business" he could possibly attend to, is beyond me).  My mother, God bless her, due to his absence was absent herself, addicted to sleeping pills and whatever booze she could get her hands on.  I guess that's where I got my crutch, as it were.

So there I was, left to my own devices, hungry for love and seeking approval, and not finding it at home, I went out to the wide world looking for it, into the arms of men, their drugs, whatever they offered, or wanted.  Being the eighties, cocaine was the drug of choice, however, trying it once (or twice) I quickly realized it wasn't for me.  But, the drink, well, that was a different story.

When I drink, I forget the pain, rather felt nothing, finally felt...free, beautifully numb yet strangely alive.

On my 17th birthday, I met Jason, who was 21 at the time ( I looked older than I was) and was allowed into all the bars.  (And even though I was younger than 21, the Sam the bartender let me in because I let him feel me up and gave him BJs whenever he wanted, anything for approval, right?)

But, Jason was different, or so I thought, with sparkling blue eyes, a good college boy home for the summer, a dream come true in my father's eyes.  But, just as in Grease, it was only "Summer lovin" and it happened so fast.  He went back to his prep school girlfriend and decided not to have anything to do with the baby in my belly.  Even my "good Catholic parents" didn't want to have anything to do with my shameful act so I was forced to move out, first into a homeless shelter, then bounced around from friends houses to random boys' houses as "house-keeper", hoping it would lead to more, a father for my daughter, Laura, and someone to love me after all.  But, no one fit the bill, or wanted to, wanted me.

When Laura was 6, I met Leon, at a bar, of course.  We moved in together, became lovers due to our mutual affection for the bottle, as well as I became his personal punching bag.  I have tried to leave many times, to get a better life, for Laura mostly, but can never seem to find my way out of it entirely, with numerous broken promises to my daughter along the way.  I guess that's another thing I've failed at.

Eventually though, my life-style choices caught up with me, after landing in jail for association with Leon, and deciding once and for all, that I was a dead-beat mom in no way deserving of Laura, so I gave up legal right to her.  She ended up in a foster care somewhere and I spent many of my days, in jail.

Finally, began the slow process to drying up, finding recovery, and healing, at last acceptance and approval from my higher power.

Come hear more of my story on Monday, October 27th at the Playwright's Atelier at the Ashland
Public Library in the Gresham Room at 7 pm.   Free to the public!

https://www.facebook.com/events/960142974002564/?notif_t=plan_user_invited

Pure Theatre Bliss

This weekend's opening was an intense yet fascinating experience...each night or day before I went on, I prayed or meditated for the need to "just let go & let Annette have her moment". Each show was similar but a little different in that I was "in the moment" of the story, completely at one with the reality of the play.




Whether there was an audience of 20 or so, 4 or even 2, I came to a point where I didn't even know they were there, so completely lost in my character, her story, & those she was involved with. It was the moment of pure theatre bliss, the moment you long for as an actor or actress, the reason you went into acting in the first place, to lose yourself, to not feel the nervousness but to become fused with the character...I am thankful that I have such awesome co-stars, Mark Schneider, Barbara Rains & Christopher Perme who helped me get to that point with their focus & love for the story & their own characters (as well as for my director, Obed Medina).


We'll do it again next weekend & the weekend after. And, then Annette will live on forever in me, in gratitude for allowing her moment, her story, her truth, as well as I have gratitude for getting to know her. Its the stuff actors and actresses hope for, a character that we can sink our teeth into, dive into, become one with...




I've had two previous to Annette & always I find myself thinking How or When will I ever find another character like this...and now its becoming how can I hold onto these characters I once embodied, but somehow you manage, Roberta Victor from Working is still just as much alive to me today as Edna Miles & Annette Raleigh, with more to come.


And, now I start work on the next projects.


https://www.facebook.com/events/540659122731657/?ref_newsfeed_story_type=regular