Wednesday, December 30, 2020

TU, Not FU #2020 #2021 #happynewyear

 


Okay, I'm not gonna be like everyone else and say, "FU, 2020!"  I recognize the humor in that thinking and even more so the hardships and agony this year has revealed.  I get it, I feel ya, I really do.  

Perhaps, it's because I am coming from a darn hard life personally that any degree of external hardship is just par for the course, roll up your sleeves, and get to it.  Yeah, that's most likely a degree of it.

Because when it comes down to it, I'm damn thankful for 2020 for this year became a reset for me.  If it hadn't been for a pandemic, I would have continued onwards in ways that were not necessarily altogether negative but not overall the healthiest of life paths.  I am not saying that I was doing anything way way scandalous like 'doing lines of coke off a hooker's bum in a shady gas station bathroom" (How did I even come up with that?), no, nothing like that, honest I swear.  But rather, I was caught up in the rat race of competition and pursuing a shadowy long-off dream that I could not see what was really important, did not have the time for myself and those I truly love.  Interestingly, this reset allowed me to realize that my heart must put its focus on those who love and receive my love unconditionally, with no degree of rules or stipulation on how I should behave, act, do as they decree.  No, the haters I did not focus but let the toxic flush itself away and let the beam of truest love and loyalty have its day.   

I've quoted for years, "Home is where the heart(s) is/are", and even made that the theme of my Doctor Who Fan Fiction, Homesick.  The premise being that if I am at peace and at home with myself within, I am home without where-ever I may be.  That's a cool reality and one still I attest to, but this year I took the notion of home into a deeper level and realized that there was another layer of reasoning of why I clung to that quote as a life verse.  The answer being for many a year I felt no real grounding to a place, in a sense, the building that held my stuff was merely an address of which I received mail. 

But that all changed this year.

I feel that for all of us the theme of 2020 can be that of home, whether positive or negative.  For me, for the most part, it was positive.  It was the first year where I experienced a grounding in a place, making a plot of land my own, which affected my overall wellness journey and outlook on life in that I thoroughly took the time to self-examine, forgive, heal, and release, learning to re-parent myself as I moved forward.  In a very real sense of the word, I truly became a grown-up this year and discovered the key to adulting is in viewing it through the lens of child-like wonder.

Through the slowing down and reset, I was able to prioritize, focus, develop skills I never imagined I could have, and truly revitalize my sense of self worth.  Through this process, the primary business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, found its brand, its over-arching theme, that of the "Thriving Artist" upon which once it was revealed to me, it had been so clearly defined for so long it was crazy that I hadn't seen it, but such is the nature of the busyness of life to cloud out what really matters.  It is not lost on me that the theme of Cafe-Girl, the overwhelming goal to help all those who join in, is thriving artist, because that relates to my self-worth and belief in self, how many times have I been in the presence of those who degraded artists as less than, not important, as well as society's belief in that as well.  So, thus as the company found its brand, I claimed it for myself.  I realized and recognized that what my business needed was not a catchy slogan or posh advertisement, what it really and truly needed was me, in all my brokenness, authenticity, integrity, and honesty, not hiding the faults, the flaws, the darkness. showing how all of it, the good and the bad, makes up the thriving artist. 

Thriving doesn't mean fame and fortune, or even prosperity in the mere financial, it's about finding balance, wholeness, and peace in doing what you were born to do, that which makes you feel the most alive.  Even more so, it's in finding the art and the joy in the mundanity of life, such as the 9-5 jobs, the household chores like doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet bowl, or even paying the bills.  When viewed through this lens, life can be more than just a chore, but every minute of it an adventure.  That is truly what it means to thrive as an artist.

Added together, 2020 equals the number 4. In numerology, the number 4 stands for loyalty, patience, and justice.  I feel a sense of being solid, stable, and still which is perfect for this year 2020.  It is interesting that in a year with such much tumult and upheaval, we found ourselves at such a stand-still.  The lesson that could be gleaned from that is action can create distraction from the resolution, that all of our busyness in the years previous detracted us away from healing, and in having these distractions removed, we are left with the only thing that truly matters, ourselves.  Thus, we are faced with the most important task of 2020, healing within.

If you add up 2021, you get the number 5.  In numerology, the number 5 represents action and energy.  There is a curiosity to life and in that an excitement to explore and adventure.  With that as the emphasis, I think it pertinent to take the lessons learned in the stillness of 2020 to help empower 2021 to continue the thread of healing, but this time in an element of without.  That's right, after a year spent looking within and internally validating, now is the year to focus outward, to help heal, uplift, and help others thrive.  Let us remember as we healed and developed the inner, it was not done in a vacuum, there always has been a cloud of strong witnesses about to encourage, lift us when we are weakened, and keep us keeping on.

Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year, dear ones, love your journey, love your thrive!



I want to hear your thoughts on what you learned in 2020.  Share below!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  To find out more about us, check out our website at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com and  offer your financial support, if you are so inclined, at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions


Auld Lang Syne #2020 #2021 #HappyNewYear

2020! What A Year! Highlight Reel For Cafe-Girl 2020! #loveyourthrive ...


Cafe-Girl is having a virtual NYE party via Facebook Room!  Starting at 7 pm, we'll watch the best of reel, do a 2021 NYE ritual, and make 2021 vision boards!  Click on 'set reminder' so you can be reminded to watch the premiere of the 2020 Best Of Reel...yes Cafe=Girl has one!  We'll watch together! See you there! 

Tuesday, December 22, 2020

Solstice Reflections Upon 2020 & Beyond






2019 was the last year of my life. 
Thus, 2020 was the year I was truly born.
For 2019 was the final year that I allowed myself to be victimized,
held down, used, walked on, belittled with both anger and manipulation through others' jealousies or pain.
In short, 2019 was the last year I lived my life as a practicing codependent, relationship addicted, trauma and abuse victim.
No more! 
In 2020, I embraced  my power as I took it back dose by dose, little by little, increasingly cutting the toxic out of my life, walking away from that which and that whom wishes to destroy me, I allowed that element to wallow in their own path, sending out love that they would choose healing but releasing in the very real truth that their path and destiny is not my responsibility to serve.  
Thus, began the adventure of 2020.  Taking back my power revealed itself in a wide plethora of variety, from finding my financial stability and sense of self worth in that arena which afforded me a peace in my creative aspects and pursuits, and through all of that I was at last able to explore new avenues of health, not open to me in previous years, and find immense healing and expansion become my daily awareness.
My spiritual self aligned itself increasingly with my day to day, becoming infused with my work, my relationships, and all aspects of the material.
Through all of this, I was able to reframe my perspective on worth, which influenced my output into the world.  Increasingly, I no longer seek external validation but create, whether it is for online consumption, for myself, or for those closest to me, to create and for no other purposes.  Sort of like a 'damn the consequences' kind of thing, but the only consequence is joy in the doing and peace from the relief of the final product, no other damage done to self or others.
My relationship and connection to the Mother Earth has deepened in my appreciation and understanding of the lessons she teaches and the needs she requests.  In simple ways, such as selecting the living Christmas tree for my living room, I find the tree I form a relationship with, lovingly tending my victory garden and flower plants,  re-planting several baby oak trees during the horrible Phoenix-Talent fires, attending to the physical and emotional needs of my kitty daughter, Tansy as well as connecting to the dogs in my life, are some of the ways I find to gift she who has always been faithful to me in return.
Throughout this year of healing, I have learning the art of re-parenting myself and have realized that there is nothing scary or horrible about being an adult when seen through the joy of one's inner child.  I try each day to view the mundane aspects of being a grown up to something larger through that realm which helps me see the situation as a puzzle or game affording me better the ability to resolve the issue.  This new lease on life has strengthened my viewpoint of self and given me a new appreciation of my self worth.  Basically I feel worthy of receiving, of being alive.
So, what does this mean moving forward into 2021?  What's the overall theme, desire of my heart?  At last night's solstice bonfire, I wrote the word "suppression" down on a piece of paper and tossed it into the fire, a symbol of that that is the essence of what I want to release and transform out of in the coming months ahead.  No matter the external reality of this world, my wish for myself and for others is to move out of the codependent, people-pleasing false security that leaves me feeling numb, unheard, unsupported, unappreciated, unloved and more into the realm of being seen, heard, and validated. 
With the reality of the Jupiter and Saturn conjunction, The Christmas Star, is it were, in our night-sky during the Winter Solstice and Christmas season, it gives this desire, the growth, and the lessons of 2020 further soul development. From my readings on this phenomena, this is an occurrence that happens every 200 years.  The idea of Jupiter is one of authority, but more of in the realm of health, prosperity, and pleasure focus whereas Saturn's authority focus is on setting rules and limits.  I realize as I pass through the gateway provided by their nearness that these are two elements needed in my continual soul evolution.  For in continuing my journey as an emotional soul entrepreneur, both personally and professionally, I need to allow myself the freedom to explore all aspects of emotional growth but also be mindful of the necessity to set boundaries and guidelines for myself to ensure I accomplish what is needed and honor my relationships in a healthy way.




What are your thoughts on The Christmas Star and your overall year 2020? I would love to hear your thoughts below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Check out our brand new website at: 



 

Friday, December 18, 2020

Eponine In My Twenties: Head Lice & A Broken Heart


 

It has been awhile since I've written, I apologize, the concerns of the normie jobs and the need to take care of some technological aspects of my business were a stressor that distracted me away from creative writing and soul development.  But, here I am, back to find even more clarity within the character of Eponine.  

Today, I want to focus on my twenty-something self, specifically the early twenties, as a good deal of that time was spent in the agony mindset of Eponine.  The photo above is symbolic to me, and was meant to be just that.  It was symbolic of the fact that in a few months from when that was snapped, I was moving away from Ashland and my college and post college life, heading back to my home county and into graduate school.  The photo was to be given to the boys I was leaving behind, who had only to recently within that timeframe shattered my heart to itty bitty millions of pieces.  Herein lies that story.

Yes, this picture marks an ending, but in order to understand how I got there, I must take you back, back to the year or so previous when I had graduated college and was heading into the wide, wide world.  Yes, I had a four year degree under my belt (a BS in Human Communication, to be exact, get the joke), but I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life nor who I really was, for that matter.  Having left behind my true calling and not even received the degree in which I had sought after (Theatre Arts), I felt lost, seeking any sort of validation wherein it could be found.  

I was newly minted Born Again Christian at this time yet still so new to that world that I found myself stumbling back to the familiar, as it were, to be faced with an unending amount of shame couched in false love and concern from those I called friends within the church.  

I needed to get a job and decided the only thing to do was to advance in what I was good at, the only thing I thought I could do.  In college, I had worked as an in-home nanny after class for a local family so the next step for me was to apply at some local preschools.  That is just what I did.  

It was a fun life, for a bit of time.  I was young and exploring the city from which I had lived for four years in a fresh way, out of the confines of the college environment.  I began to explore myself by defining who I was without.  I had also recently broken out of an abusive relationship of three years.  He still tried to ingratiate himself in my life, trying to grab ahold and manipulate me back into his grasp, to no avail, thankfully. 

However, there was still the storms within.  I bounced between living situations, barely staying at a place for more than a year, my relationships were rocky and tumultuousness, I felt no real closeness towards another human, but kept the walls up.  In actual reality, I was afraid to allow someone close, real and true intimacy scared me as I felt this unending emptiness aside.  Thus, I learned to play a part, put up a false front of happiness, when inwardly I felt continuous turmoil.  

All of this, plus I was some years away from the Bipolar breakdown and diagnosis, which would eventually be my saving grace, as well as the discovery of the Celiac Disease, which would also put me on my continuous life-long journey towards recovery and self-(healing) discovery.  To be exact, I felt no comfort within my own skin, that cold hard truth is oh so apparent to me as I view the photos of myself from that time.  Even more so, I couldn't see beyond my own mind's eye, believed wholeheartedly that what I thought inside was actually how others thought of me, was the cold hard fact.

In every sense of the world, I was Eponine.

And then, a shift happened.  It was so slight at the time, like the minutest of earthquakes, the kind that happens, is only felt by a seismic detector, and is reported upon later. Such was this moment.  But that decision made had a long-lasting, life-long influence, which would send out shockwaves in its aftermath for years to come providing lessons that would never truly leave me and continue forward in its education and evolution of my soul.  

I entered a cafe. 

In this cafe, I found a sense of peace, escape from the ex-boyfriend who would just show up at my apartment. I would flee there every Saturday morning, reading my bible and journaling, drinking coffee after coffee, avoiding phone calls from the ex.  And, in this world, I discovered...them.

The coffee boys, ie, the cute, red headed barista who was so gentle and kind-hearted in his quiet way, the dark long haired, "Scary Dark Boy" (my nickname) one whose darkness was so encapsulating that it left an air of mystery, the long, lanky one who resembled Shaggy, the straight-laced looking one with the tie, and the older hippie looking one.  There were others as well.  They'd sit on the small patio, examining me as I examined them, the glass separating us.  Who would be the first to shatter and bridge the distance? 

And I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you

I wanted to, I felt the desire and the attraction, perhaps a deep down, long buried, since of belonging.  But, per the usual, it was one of the guys that made the first connection. 

 "Are you reading the bible?" One of them asked approaching me at my table.  

"Yes," I smiled proudly.  I thought this was the moment to be shared later with my Christian friends, my duty as evangelist to win their souls.  Maybe that was my calling here in this cafe? Maybe...

They were in utter disbelief and mockingly laughed with the friends.  (Yet, the red headed barista did not, that was notable, he kindly placed my oatmeal on the table and smiled reassuringly down at me.  Note that.)

But, thus it began.  I was a girl living so many existences but not my own.  Seeking outward validation in the form of acceptance from the church's enforcement of righteous living and approval through the love found in a man's arms.  I was lost in the sea of my own tumult, dashed about by the waves of those who thought they knew best for me, I tried to comply but came up lacking.  

But, oh there were moments reaching towards the heavens divine, leisurely summer days on the patio at the café, long hiking adventures with the boys, hanging at the bar, laughing, being together.  Looking back, within the confines of my café friendships, I felt a sense of security that was not felt anywhere else, of the unconditional, non-judgmental acceptance sort.  But, there were still the voices from other forces, the elder figures of social norms trying to get me to settle down and choose a career, the domination of the church, abusive elements that I would one day have to break free from but in that moment I still hung to a thread of, still believing that if I only obeyed I would be loved, but never, never measuring up.  

Well, not all the café boys did not remain in the friendzone for long, but even more so, the romantic aspect of the relationship would not hold either, overshadowed by the judgment of the church's judgment but even more so my own shaky sense of self.  Thus, followed my Eponine existence, I would languish alone, pining, walking the street in memory, singing "On My Own" in my heart, outwardly playing "Don't Know Why" on repeat with my friend, Jamie, on our girl's nights where we would hold mutual "Eponine" heart to hearts licking our wounds over our ex-boyfriends.  

All this would come to a head in January of 2004, after the last breakup of the café-boys, the aforementioned 'scary-dark boy', whose darkness I had allowed myself to be encompassed by so as to hide from my own.  Yes, he and I had come together in sworn love only to have him become disillusioned once he had achieved that conquest.  Years later, he and I would reunite and eventually marry, to be quickly followed two years later by eventually divorcing, due to his abuse and inability within himself to get out of his darkness and be truly intimate.  (Well, that's putting it mildly.) 

But, I digress, back to the moment in January 2004, when he broke up with me after a week of asking for space, just like Taylor Swift's line "We hadn't seen each other in a month When you said you needed space. (What?)"  We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

So, I went over to his house after work because the preschool I worked at had had a lice outbreak and he had probably been infected.  I tried to make a joke out of it, felt his tension, but still went ahead with my act.  

"I'm infected," I mockingly sobbed.  "And so are you."

"What?" he spat.  

"I have head-lice," he shrugged it off.  He wasn't taking the joke, and more over, he was cold and distant, done with me he was.  That was when he called it off officially, telling me bluntly that he didn't love me like he thought he had, loved me like a brother.  

Sobbing commenced, broken and laying on the floor.  I finally stumbled out into the cold night, trying to regain some sense of composure, but the body was wracked with despair.  Calling it an act of God, a response for my sin of sexual deviance was a lie I clung to, another way to hide.  Days and months afterward, I would flee into the Christian world-view, maybe, that would give me the unconditional love I sought, still external it would come up lacking.

But, on that dark night of my soul as well, I stumbled brokenly, tears pouring out of my eyes, wailing at God with "Why?".  Having a class I was taking at the college, I had some work to do at the computer lab.  I sat there in the lab at the computer, trying to work, when my college ex-boyfriend approached.  :He tried to counsel me when I told him my boyfriend had broken up with me, tried to control me, get me to follow him once more.  I surprised myself by not obliging.  I was chatting online with the hippie guy from the café.  

"Come over," he told me.  So, I went but ended up at the wrong house, however, it was the home of another ex-boyfriend, the one I had rebounded with for two weeks after the breakup from the college ex.  I knocked on the door, opening it because I thought it was my hippie friend, but then there was that ex, sweetly, running when he saw me sobbing on my doorstep.  I had to stop him with "I have head-lice" for I didn't want to infect his long red hair. 

Next, I headed to the red-headed barista's house, running up the stairs pass his mom and at his bedroom, he hugged me, despite my attempts to avoid.  We went for a walk, quietly talking, he, doing his best, to help me out of my pain to no avail.  This was a battle that could no longer be fought for me, from the external, resolved from the outward would no longer work, no longer able to put a mere band-aid over my brokenness.  I had to go within, overcome, and truly look at my own darkness.  

There, I was, at last, with 'head lice and a broken-heart'. 

I went home that night, sobbing as my room-mate and I disinfected each other's hair, the house, the furniture, then to bed, still with wet hair wrapped in the disinfectant.  

As the days tumbled forward, I would heal, or find other ways to hide from my pain, mostly through attempting to find myself within the confines of the aforementioned church.  I would re-tell that story of that fateful night and hear parroted back, "you were chasing after guys and when that was taken away, you had to turn to the Lord".  But, now I don't see it so black and white, like  "God is good, and guys are bad".  Because each of those guys had a lasting impact and significance in my life, enough for me to profess love, love which remains, in a different form, but thus is still very much real today.  There are seasons to our lives, reflected in those that cross our paths at different times.  Each a soul mate for that time, that moment, to teach us, shape us, help us evolve and deepen.  If I hadn't had that night, I wouldn't have advanced forward from my Eponine life, slowly realizing my true power to love myself.  Truth be told, before I could find real, lasting love with another, I had to know that within.  I had to come home with myself before I could find with another.  

Thus is the girl hailing a peace sign and wearing her burgundy viva la revolution beret, waving a kind good-bye to those who had helped her grow.

That is the true story of Eponine, the path she takes and her eventual death is symbolic of that release to her real home, herself.  I would have many moments of falling back to seeking external validation, and still do after that one night.  But that night stands clear in my mind as the turning point of my life, that put me on the journey towards falling in love with myself, safely arriving at my true home and destiny, moving from Eponine and beginning thus my journey as Fantine. 


So, what are your thoughts on Eponine?  Share your stories below.  I love to hear.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Find out more about us at:


Thursday, December 3, 2020

Me & Kate: Okay To Not Be Okay!

 


First off, I want to clear the air and let you all know, no, I'm not strangling my kitty in this photo.  This is my childhood kitty-cat, Jamocha Almond Fudge, with me around age 13.  She was attempting to get a way while my friend was snapping a photo of us, so thus I have this historically misrepresented photo of my life as a cat strangler, which I am not.   
The magazine photos of Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth do reflect the validity of my unending adoration and fandom for all things Beverly Hills, 90210.  

Okay, so that's out of the way, now onto the meat of the message.  Why am I sharing this bizarre photo of my younger self?  Well, to continue the thread of the Eponine deep dive, by highlighting my early adolescent years and the pre-pubescent desires that emerge at that time, spear-headed on by a lifetime absorbing Hollywood and Disney films of unending romance and approval gained only in connection to another.  In so diving into this, I want to utilize the 14 year old character, Kate, I play as part of the OHSU simulated patient gigs I do.  

So, Kate Williams is 14 years old, having recently moved from West Virginia to Oregon to live with her paternal grandparents because her father has recently been deployed.  Thus, her whole family and life is uprooted, which includes her, her mother, and her little 10 year old brat of a brother, Drew, at the tender onset of her adolescence.  Added to this stress, her mother's instability begins to show, she is a frequent no-show in the new family home arrangement, in fact, doesn't really live there at all.  On top of all that, she is now starting her first year of high school, new school, new environment, no friends....Sound familiar? First Day Of School!

So, all of this is pretty heavy, right? Kate seems to manage it all fairly well.  Into her new life comes Jamie, a fellow freshmen boy who loves the same things Kate does.  As Jamie and Kate forge a platonic friendship held with the mutual love of gaming and texting, Kate begins to develop deeper feelings for him.  However, it is not meant to be as Jamie is currently in a relationship to another girl.   Ah, there's the rub, the classic unrequited love we all have learned to deal with and more so fancy in our tragic Eponine years.  Perhaps, this longing for what we cannot attain and connect with has to deal more with our unconscious belief of our unworthiness of love and that love is not real if its not fought for.  After all, didn't Pat Benatar tell us that "Love Is A Battlefield"? 



So, yeah this is what we are taught, force-fed through the media and our cohorts in the early life journey of romance.  Ultimately, it infuses in us that others' approval and acceptance is what is needed to accept and approve of ourselves.  The need for external validation begins early in life, thus which makes it difficult to unravel as we continue forward in our evolution.  However, through a lot of hard emotional work, it is possible, I guarantee it.  I Guarantee It!

But healing and emotional growth takes time, but all can be mended and we learn from each circumstance we encounter, each relationship begun and ended in whatever fashion is a vessel for our own strengthening if we only would allow it.  When I was attached to the Fundie church, they used to tell us how living the pure life was what was needed to ensure a healthy marriage and that by dating around, meaning promiscuity, we were, in effect, shedding pieces of our heart that were rightfully meant for our future spouses.  However, I do not in all truth believe that because I can say with a marked certainty that every relationship and connection, whether platonic or romantic, has only deepened my sense of self and helped to enlarge my heart, not weaken it.  (A side note: all the church succeeded in doing with thus was heighten my already sense of shame and disconnect with my body and heart. Nicely done, I say sarcastically. )


Here's the thing, going through the struggles of our Eponine existence, the rejection and heartbreak of unrequited love, can, if we allow it, be the catalyst that helps strengthen and develop our own sense of self worth, innermost strength, and self acceptance.  Thus, those we choose to give our hearts, whether accepted fully or not, even if these connections end in gut-wrenching despair, are the lessons needed to guide us deeper into a true stability of self resolve.  

The biggest lesson I have learned from playing Kate, as I dwell within the drama of her current world, that of the minor issues of being a fourteen year old as well as the major issues with her family and home life, I recognize her immense strength she has in perseverance and staying positive.  However, the take away for me, for my younger self, for Kate, and for you, gentle reader, is that "It's okay to not be okay."

It is a way too prevalent reality in society that we hide our true feelings and are not honest with our emotions.  Just in the very automatic question of "How are you?" is the equally responded "Fine", without true consideration of how we really are.  This reality is false and a detriment to our individual as well as collective souls.  I believe a large part of the evil in our society is due to the disease caused by burying our emotions and hiding our mental impairments in shame.  This is a lesson we learn very early in our lives, almost as soon as we emerge from the womb. 

Step into the light, come out of the shadows.  Let's all admit openly our pain, our flaws, our weaknesses, and so doing find comfort in our mutual brokenness, building one another up to a renewed wholeness full of non-judgment and inner acceptance.  


For those of you in the throes of your Eponine struggles, this may be difficult to surmise, but for someone on the verge of moving beyond, I can attest that the heart break and pain I endured has passed and has provided me with an inner strength, peace, and self acceptance I could not have developed if it weren't for those struggles.  Thus, the years spent as Eponine are crucial to becoming a whole person, not just in romantic connection outward but also for our own inner relationship with self.

And, finally trust yourself in the process, feel your feelings, and know this as truth:
 "It's Okay To Not Be Okay!"

So, what are your thoughts on this? Comment below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Find out more  at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com and support at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions