Poly Girl Living In A Mono World

 

Okay, deep breath, here goes.

Throughout the last few years, I've had the opportunity to examine myself thoroughly and deeply, from that pertaining to my mental health as well as my views on relationships, specifically in the realm of the romantic.  In this time of intense self reflection, I have pondered the reality that my approach to romantic relationship, and even that of platonic, is not similar to the norms of society.  This is something that I have long sought to diminish and have felt some shame.  

In addition, to this propensity, I struggle with the addiction of relationship, an off-shoot of codependency (I have that as well), and have found myself seeking the thrill of the new relationship energy as well as losing myself in the desire of love in order to escape my own inner demons.  Thus, this is not true love as it is my using another as a form of object and not fully seeing them as human and someone who has value and import.  It is this I am continually working on as I travel the journey of healing my trauma issues and learn to love and reparent myself.

So, having a leaning towards polyamory as well as being a relationship addict seems a bit confusing and I found myself in such predicament.  Then, one night I had a dream of which it was explained to me as such, relationship addiction is a dysfunction to be healed, whether one be monogamous or polyamorous can have this, whereas to be polyamorous is a life-style.

Poly-amory, as in love of many, does not mean or give me the license to sleep around or behave in a fashion that is disruptive or harmful to others.  Rather, the very term itself implies otherwise, to love another.  Yes, we all can fall prey to the sway of the charm of "New Relationship Energy" (NRE) and lose sight of what is important, but that is why one does the intense work of healing one's own pain and then focuses on leaving an ethically mindful life in regards to connections with self and others. 

So, there it is.  Upon looking throughout the patterns of all of my life, wherein I would find myself dating someone and falling head over heels in genuine love only to pretty quickly thereafter fall head over heels in genuine love with another shortly thereafter, thus congruently and without losing my love for either, be head over heels in genuine love with both.  In years past, raised in a society that sees monogamy as the norm and also with the past influence of the conservative Christian teachings, this was source of much agony and shame.  

The church itself used to preach 'saving oneself until marriage' and would oh so sweetly shame those who hadn't waited as "born again virgins".  'It is okay,' they would preach, 'God forgives, but you know every time you give your heart to someone, you give a piece of it away meant for your God intended spouse.'

And, I believed that and in addition sought to dutifully fulfill the American Dream, as in the norms of society, but in reality, I understood that the more I gave my heart, whether platonic or romantic, in fact, my heart and capacity of love grew larger.

Thus, I happily and openly admit that I am polyamorous.  However, one quick thought, what I whole-heartedly believe is that love, as well as all of life, is full of nuance.  Having a propensity towards 'loving many' does not mean that I will always seek out and desire multiple relationships of the romantic sense.  In the very nuance of love, the journey of connection towards solely one or many will be made clear.

Currently, I am repairing the damage caused by my 2019 experience of being suddenly struck with the illness of "NRE" (see "New Relationship Energy) and thus doing my utmost to step back from pursuing a sexual relation in order to help the two men I currently love see that I value them as souls and not objects to appease my pain.  

Finally, as a polyamorist woman, I have found increasingly that I do not desire to seek a wild life of sexual exploits and debauchery, but actually in fact, am feeling more grounded and secure within my skin, more comfortable within myself, that by being honest and open I find myself coming home to me, at last. 

Coming Home

Dear Danny Ponce: Journaling Through The Years: Episode One

Brand new series: Journaling Through The Years".  Each episode I read entries from my journals starting from childhood to present day and talk about it.  Hopefully, it will help bring clarity and healing, perhaps some laughs as well! 

If you enjoy the video, feel free to hit subscribe, like it, comment, and share it out if you feel so inclined! 

Jekyll/Hyde

Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence, caused such silence

Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me

It's not my family

In your head, in your head, they are fighting

Zombie

 Life and all that comes with it, even our human nature, are not ultimately defined as black or white, yet we all have the nuances of both light and dark within.  

Lately, I've been pondering over my life and recalling all the darkness within, the times I exploded with emotional outburst of rage, seemingly a plethora of times throughout and with much shame and destruction of some friendships along the way.  However, many remain and they have become more than friends but family as I am grateful for their camaraderie and companionship.  Why, I ask myself, are they still by my side, as it were, whether be it near or far, I remain in their heart?  

Due to my struggles with Bipolar and PTSD, I find in myself these times of both light and dark as reactions to the exterior world as well as internal beliefs that shaped my thinking causing the reactions.  This has been a lifelong struggle with the forces of light and dark, good and evil, within my being.  The struggle to understand why, to decipher out who I am, and to be at peace from the tumult of the storms within.

It is of such shame that I think of all the pain I inflicted while acting as my Hyde persona, the trauma I might have inflicted on so many that I may never be able to resolve or repair.  In that, I extend my apologies to the universe in hopes that it will reach my victims that they find healing and freedom.  With that, I do my best to persevere, work through my own myriad of traumatic experiences and unravel their effect.  

For so many years not having a real causation for this dark part of my soul, my Hyde, that when I would explode, I thought nothing of it as it was just a normalcy that was quickly covered over and the subject avoided.  A scant amount of healing, working through, or repercussion was brought upon me.  Thus, I had to learn the hard way of dealing with the difficulties of the wild swing of mood disorder built in with the abuse causing the reactivity of PTSD.  My emotional darkness exploitations were varied between the fight or flight depending on the relationship and circumstance.  Furthermore, flight would be a form of freeze as I would disappear into the safety of my own mind, spacing out away from the attack of the external. Fight would come later, when approached by someone who was not as threatening to me, and as a resulting factor of the previous abuse flung at me.  

Thus, it is really for all of us.  In the end, we all are capable of being a Jekyll and a Hyde, have the nuance of black and white, good and evil, light and dark within.  Often times, we judge others too harshly when confronted with the darker side, feeling their dislike, distrust, and paint ourselves in the light, as the victim of such reproach.  I can attest that I am guilty of this.  Other times, we judge ourselves the more harsh with the bitterness of self hatred and loathing, falling into the despair of depression.  Yes, I, too, am very guilty of this.  

Since, this propensity in all of us to light and dark, to be a Jekyll and a Hyde, we must then decide to work towards healing within and healing without.  Beginning within, ironing out the wrinkles and tarnishes from the stain of trauma on our soul, allowing us to heal, forgive, and resolve ourselves to admitting openly all of our facets.  Willingness to be open about our strengths and our flaws affords the ability to step back from the heat of the drama of attacking another and recognize that they too are confronted by the source of their own pain and reacting from that.  So, in the heat of the moment, pausing, stepping back and further outward almost as if the situation were a small speck in the grand scheme of the Universe, for it is, will bring about the realization that none are inherently good or evil.

So, with that I acknowledge my crazy within, resolve to not paint myself good or evil, light or dark, but embrace the nuances of my mind, whatever the causation, brought upon by all the circumstances and relations of my life knowing that all were lessons to shape my evolutionary journey towards wholeness and freedom.

Dreams

I know I felt like this before

But now I'm feeling it even more

Because it came from you

Then I open up and see

The person falling here is me

A different way to be

Romana Honors Her Rani

The Shape Of You

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels with me down every road

Having studied theatre in college due to my anxiety I never quite attained that dream, until I was cast in my first play in 2012, ten years after undergraduate graduation; "Working: The Musical".  It was through that amazing experience that I finally found my home, my calling assured, and, most importantly, in this entry, where I met my good friend, Catherine.  I cannot recall what our first conversation was, only that there was a time when she wasn't in my life, then there was a time when she was.  

When she met me, I was only a year into an abusive marriage and through the next few unfolding years, her steady presence, non-judgmental love, and delicious humor would brighten my life and give me the strength to 'kick the bastard to the curb'.  She was one of the first people I turned to and told that I had removed him from my life as well I was one of the first that she confided in about her first diagnosis with the big C.  

Like me, she was long-suffering in her approach to others, offering the benefit of the doubt according the nature of humanity.  She had her fair share of discomforts with certain types and shared them with me, asking for my thoughts on such with no sense of judgment and truly honoring my opinions.  She shared with me tales of her love affairs and woes, and I, in turn. 

In the times when I did not believe in my ability or my self worth, which was, in fact, the bulk of the entirety of our friendship, she never wavered in her belief in me, to achieve, heal, and thrive.  That belief and undying love moved me from strength upon strength and remains undying in this moment, although the situation of our connection has changed.  In the truest sense of love, I do not know where I would be if it weren't for Catherine.

She lost her battle with stage 4 cancer on April 23, 2021.  We all celebrated 60 years of her, relishing in her glory before us, on her birthday of February 24.  

What can I say, Catherine's loyalty and dedication was something I had come to rely on and only in the void of its absence due I realize the true import of it.  Throughout this last month, I have been pondering my time connected to Catherine, coming up with off-color jokes at her expense, finding myself wanting to apologize, then realizing, almost hearing, her deep, hearty laughter.  Because that was her, full of laughter, mirth, the warmth of love, but also tenderness, commitment, loyalty, and dedication never failing.

Never once did she complain during her years of suffering her illness, perhaps she did privately or with her family, but seemd to take all of life in stride with the gentle graceful acceptance of her good humor and wit.

In 2016, when I started into the world of film producing, she joined forces alongside me as the time lady, The Rani, a villian against my Romana and The Doctor, played by Nick Walker.  Once again, the dedication and thrill of performing was true to Catherine at every turn, in every film shoot or promotional photo call, with true humility and an authentic honesty.  She would also portray the ill-fated, Lady MacDuff, and would drive through Burger King after filming with her neck stab wound make-up in place, insisting to the employees that indeed she was "really in need of protein, look!"

Knowing Catherine off screen, the gentle-hearted, quick witted, honest, soulful woman was direct contrast to the evil, conniving Time Lady, but she did so divinely, effortlessly slipping into character when needed, then back to her joyous self.  On set, we laughed a lot, I gave her the freedom to adapt the script to help fulfill her character to the fullest.  She had more than her fair share of one-liners that are still deliciously quoted until this day, the best being, "We ain't got no God Damn live stock, Russ", from which was written, "We don't have any livestock, Russ!"  She put her original twist upon it giving it more life.  

A joke around set was that the spin-off sitcom series was that my character, Romana, and Susan (played by Q Gabumpa) would be the friends living in a New York apartment and The Rani would be the nosy next door neighbor that we loved to hate but never hated to love.  The three male time lords, The Doctor, The Master (played by Roy Rains), and The Lackey (of our creation, played by Russell Mitchell) would be the guys we put up with for good sport. 

I do not know the origin of the choosing of the title, The Rani, perhaps the original played Rani (Kate O'Mara) and the writer that created her story know such, but I do know the meaning of the Rani, "Queen".  To describe The Rani, driven and determined to have power and glory, defines that of a type of royalty, however, I believe Catherine held similar traits, although more altruistic.  She was driven and determined, but in the sense of fierce loyalty and dedication to those she loved and that which she loved most to do.  Once more, she was tender, creative, giving of herself, easy to be with, a good listener and advice giver, the true embodiment of positive royalty.  Like Lady Macduff who was more deserving of queendom than Lady Macbeth, Catherine was and is deserving of loving praises. 

Thus, forever after, Catherine will remain the Queen of Cafe-Girl Productions.

Reel of Catherine

Behind your eyes Are endless blue skies You travel places i want to come, too Each breath that you breathe Is a brush stroke that leads me to you So sleep Fall into nights indigo hue Believe me, its true There's nothing that I would not do For my dream is sweet dreams for you It seems far away But there once was a day It was grey in a world without you To this heart like a dove from above The miracle of your love found me

Sweet Dreams

 

Melodic Performance Inspires Weather

This last Sunday I had the privilege of attending a live concert performance of Rogue Valley Chorale's Carmina Burana, composed by Carl Orff.  This was the first performed concert piece in over a year due to the pandemic as well their Opening Night performance on June 11th was postponed due to rain.  

The weather was increasingly watched as this being an outside show the perspiring downfall from the sky could increase the likelihood of continued postponement.  However, when finally the day came, last Sunday, July 13th, for their matinee performance, now their opening, the weather not only obliged but lent itself to the further drama and spectacle of the celebrated music.

With a full orchestra, as well as the Children's Chorus, Cantare Chorus, Youth Ensemble, and the Rogue Valley Chorale, held on the front lawn of the breathtaking Grizzly Peak Winery, the elements of nature corresponded magically to the rise and fall of the musical performances.  In times of lightness, the sunlight emerged whereas in times of tension and drama, the sun itself disappeared behind a cloud darkening the land, all the while the beat of the wind blew against the microphones lending a dramatic flair to the chorus.  

Sitting there on the lawn, enjoying the deliciousness of a cool rose', I was increasingly swept over and away by the intensity and lightness of the choral performance, transported throughout the beautiful number, proving that despite a language barrier, music is universal in comprehension.  

This Wednesday, June 16, 2021, at 7 pm is the final performance of Carmina Burana (held over from last Friday) and much encouragement is implied here to attend.  Information can be received on the following website: Carmina Burana Ticket Information

Blood Suckers Found In Ruch, Oregon

 

Kate Vangeloff as Dracula

Photo Credit: Wanda Borland

Nestled in the heart of the Applegate Valley, cradled by majestic mountains, lies Longsword Vineyard, the playing grounds for Wanderlust Theatre Company, now showing their second production of Dracula, an original adaptation expertly written by Kate Vangeloff and Jae Unker.   The show opened this weekend with roaring success, despite rain-fall, leaving audiences with a gasp for breath and a thrilling experience.

Jae Unker as Lucy and Kate Southern as Mina

Photo Credit: Lia Dugal

Although a well-known story, this adaptation is revealed in true Wanderlust fashion, known for its experiential, cinematic experience of live theatre, wherein the audience travels from set to set with the characters as the story unfolds, keeping the audience rapt attention in enthrallment.  

Nathan Green as Dr. Van Helsing

Photo Credit: Wanda Borland

The play is divinely directed by Nathan Green and Madeline DeCourcey in a way that highlights the natural talents and character work of each performer.  In a very real way, there is no star or diva with Wanderlust and in this production itself, but the ensemble is just that, the true starring role.   Each performer births their character allowing the revealing of the story according to their viewpoint, as in life, we only know the story according to our perspective.  Then, in a true to life fashion, the characters' experiences weave together as the action unfolds, seemingly coming together in love and opposition sometimes simultaneously, as they find a way to overcome the challenges they face.  Relationships merge, then collide, showcasing that where there is love, there is  always the constant of both light and dark.

Tim Coatney as Johnathan Harker, Kate Southern as Mina, Tiffany Schechter as Dr. Jack Seward, and

Abby Brown as Arthur Holmwood

Photo Credit: Wanda Borland

Then again, the story of Dracula itself, although fanciful, lends itself to holding up a mirror to our very own psyches, as we realize that the propensity for good or for evil lie within each of us.  In a very real sense, there is no black or white, but all of us have within the nuance of shades of grey.  Even Dracula herself is not wholly evil, nor is Johnathan Harker or Dr. Van Helsing purely good, but all have motives and reasonings that force them along the journey of their life to whom they become and whence they end.

Alayha McNamara as Victoire, Amelia Rose as Lilith, Jae Unker as Lucy, Tiffany Schechter as Dr. Jack Seward,

Nathan Green as Dr. Van Helsing, Abby Brown as Arthur Holmwood, and RuRu Painter as Carmilla

Photo Credit: Lia Dugal 

Faced with the daunting task of putting on a play during a pandemic, Wanderlust Theatre found a way to use this Covid19 reality in a way that lends itself well to the telling of the story.  From limiting audience numbers grouped into pods to the use of masks on the actors to reflect the health risks of the year 1893, the time of the story taking place.  

Tiffany Schechter as Dr. Jack Seward and Brandon Kinsey as Quincy Morris

Photo Credit: Lia Dugal 

With a range of talent of a varied experience level, Wanderlust Theatre spends its rehearsal time in intensive training, from the heightened physical of their "boot camp" that prepares the actor for the terrain of their playing field to extensive character work and activities that help deepen the actor's understanding of the craft of acting, highlighting the belief in living truthfully in the given circumstances of the story with oneself and the other characters.

Alayha McNamara as Victoire

Photo Credit: Wanda Borland 

Along with Kate Vangeloff as Dracula, you will see Abby Brown as Arthur Holmwood, Tim Coatney as Johnathan Harker, David Countiss as a variety of roles, Nathan Green as Dr. Van Helsing, Brandon Kinsey as Quincy Morris, Andrew McGill as Renfield, Alayah McNamara as Victoire, RuRu Painter as Carmilla, Amelia Rose as Lilith, Elle Schechter as a variety of roles, Tiffany Schechter as Dr. Jack Seward, Tasia Simon as Mama Westenra, Raven Slayton as a variety of roles, Kate Southern as Mina Murray,  and Jessica "Jae" Unker as Lucy Westerna.  Each performer shines within their roles and stuns the audience with a winning, truthful performance.

Behind the scenes, such talents helped unfold the performance, as Sharif Abdulraham as Director of Production, James DeDekais as Musical Director, J.Sincere Gustin Sr as Sound Technician, Jacob Kuhl as Sound Designer, Nathan Ynacay as Costume and Set Designer, with Amanda Haverick and Pidge Miller as stage manager and assistant stage manager.

The show opened this weekend and runs through July 18th.  For more information, check out the website: https://www.wanderlusttheatre.co/  as well as follow on Facebook and Instagram.

My Product Is My Service...

 

...My service is to share my journey towards wellness.

For the first few years of this entrepreneurial journey I have found myself upon, I struggled to find the reason and purpose, the brand and theme, for Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, to be more than just a little indie film company, but sustainable enough to allow me to leave the trappings of the varied normie jobs behind.  It was during the great quarantine of 2020 that I was allowed the opportunity to slow down, focus inward, prioritize, and discover that that which was the brand, the theme, and the purpose was always with me all along the way.

That is, the true reality of what it means to be a thriving artist and to go one further, to help others find and love their thrive.  

That saying, I have also discovered that part of doing that is by my transparency in my soul's evolution towards wholeness and healing, which will inspire others to pursue not only their art or soul's creative purposes but to seek inner healing so that they too may truly thrive.

So, with that, I would like to share some insights from my doctor's visit this morning, which left me a bit fatigued emotionally and spiritually.

Ten years ago, when I walked down the aisle towards not so wedded bliss, of which I had no such idea at the time, the idea was forced upon me to choose for birth control the lovely IUD, to be specific, Intrauterine Device, of the Paraguard variety.  I say, thrust upon me, because the idea was brought up and decided upon by someone outside my body and I, at the time, did not feel the strength to rebel against.

Truth be told, the IUD is one of the best forms of birth control out there and thus it wasn't all together a bad thing.  I heartily agree that having a child with that aforementioned husband would have been a disaster all in itself.

But, as I continue down this path, examining the traumatic effects of my life, I realize how not having authority over making my body's decisions throughout life has effected my ability to trust in myself, develop my personality, and believe in myself worth.

So, as the time was approaching the ten year mark, that which was the time to remove and, possibly, replace the IUD, I opted to remove, deciding then that I would make the decision for birth control aligning with what's right for my body based on my needs and desires.  At this point, in fact, I am purposely abstaining for the benefit of recovery from relationship addiction and thus to find value in the souls I am romantically partnered apart from and yet along with sexually (don't worry, I'm not returning to my fundie 'born again virgin' life), to see them thus not as objects to fulfill my emptiness (get your head out of the gutter!) but rather as souls to be seen and to see me.

I shared all of this history of My IUD story with my doctor and she was aghast at the reality of how and why it was thrust upon and inside of me.  

"You need this out," she proclaimed and as we went through the process of the stirrups, the cold, metal clamp, pulling at the string, we joked about how much women experience such agony, papsmears, menstruations, child birth, and still get paid less than men.  Thus, when she was finally able to remove, she pronounced, "And it's out."

She held it up to me, "Here it is, just here doing it's thing, you are free."

Thus, in that she is correct.  A sense of freedom washed over me and my vagina felt finally able to breathe and to experience the love it has so long deserved but has never been able to achieve, to be valued for all that it is, and be seen as the beautiful life giving self it truly is.

Fare the well, little IUD, you did the job you were required, not just of keeping out the sperm to 

impregnate, but to lead me towards the journey of overcoming society's mysogyny and truly finding freedom within.

Hallelujah

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Tune into the next week, in the continuing saga of Lia's recovery and healthy journey, when she begins the process of whitening teeth and thus abstains from coffee and wine for the duration.