What's God's last name?

Goddess Power Awakened!

Way back in the day, when I had newly emerged from the hold of Calvary Chapel yet was still mind-numbed by the effects of their teaching, I heard a woman ask this as a joke, "What's God's last name?" she asked with a smirk on her face.

The answer, "Dess".  As in "Goddess."

With my Calvary training, I shuddered inside, due to the church's teaching that any comment against God was a spiritual attack and proof that the world hated all things Christianity.  I have since learned this to be a blatant fallacy and an untruth not founded in any sense of reality outside the confines of the world of Calvary Chapel.

However, the point of today's entry is not to recount the mental abuses of Calvary but to openly explore my new understandings of the Goddess, or rather the Divine Feminine, and how it is shaping my understanding of self, my discovery of my worth, and ability to give and receive love in all my doings and relationships.

For starters, this is a new venture of my life, as I am in this state of transition to what I am still uncertain of, yet am in no real hurry to know the final outcome.  That's new.  Usually, I need the answers right away, the lesson to be learned now please!  But for now, I am more than at peace with the blessing of living in the moment, basking in the newness of knowing the Sacred Feminine in all her forms she reveals to me, whether it be an actress I share a stage or screen with as we tell a beautiful story of women empowerment and friendship, women coming together to uplift and strengthen one another.  In truth, my understanding and receiving the divine feminine has healed my past negative hurts from women and provided an openness and acceptance of women as friends.  Moreover, I am increasingly able to truly look at all aspects of myself, both the positive and yes, the not so positive, the flawed, the toxic, the negative.  Through examining all of these, I am able to start to heal, open myself up to more avenues of creativity, wholeness, and love.

Through this time of expanded awareness, I have delved deeper into my understanding of my self worth, from realizing my lack of ability to accept love when it is given, even to go so far as to hold the belief that I am unworthy of such offering, and then once I have worked through that hardship, starting to build up a sense of worth when it comes to the issues surrounding all things money related.

For most of my life, I have held the belief that not only am I not good with money but am truly undeserving of acquiring wealth, or even living a stable, comfortable life. There are so many root causes of this, from the church's influence of living off the promises of God, some left over remnant from childhood trauma, a backlash from an outdated standard of society where women are to be subservient to men, and lastly the notion that artists are made to struggle and merely survive, not thrive.  Yes, I have been looking at all of these as the Goddess infuses me with her strength and love to bravely face the anguish and empowerment of the healing path.

Lastly, a dear old friend has once again resurfaced into my life in a way that has awakened the healer within as well as a new understanding of how deep, broad, open love can be.  Through this the facets of the Goddess emerges in a new fashion, shining her light on the path before, as our hands reach for each others, our lips meeting, embracing in the power of sexual healing.

What I'm Worth: $

Yesterday, I had an amazing revelation.  I've always had this rocky relationship surrounding money that is all wound up in my worth.  Inside of  me toils the need for money, the outward desire for abundance and, yes, opulence, while within me, stirs the belief that I am no-good with money and even more so undeserving of any kind of financial stability or wealth.  I hold this belief from society's influence on the whole "starving artist" viewpoint that artists are bound to suffer and only be hailed as genius after their death, from the church's dominating mindset that we should serve without asking for anything in return all while they passed the collection plate around, and indeed even from my childhood upbringing views on money.

So, yesterday...

I am at work, looking through my scant finances, trying to make twenty dollars stretch itself to the limit, anguishing over the concern over gas, bills, rising debt, and other expenses, sending angry thoughts out to all those who have held me down, detailing and agreeing with the years I was told how unworthy and bad I am with money over and over...when it finally hit me, it's up to me to define and set my worth around money.  That possibly the biggest reason I struggle and have such a deficit, a lack, is I do not accept my financial worth and abilities surrounding money. 

For that reason, I made the clear decision to stop that line of thinking and start whole-heartedly believing that I am full of worth, ability, can and will thrive in that arena in my life.

From my studies of various spiritual and psychological texts, also from my own varied experiences, I have come to the conclusion that our psyche is whole and at peace only when each area of our life is satisfied and balanced.  To be brief, we can only have peace when each area of our life is in balance.  If one area is insufficiently out of whack, we struggle in other areas.  This is when misery and depression rise up to drag us down.  This is essentially why such practises like talk and group therapy to help get us out of our heads and focus on the core issue which, in turn, helps us to re-center ourselves, heal, find wholeness, then balance. 

That, my friends, is the essential goal in all of our life's pursuits, or should be.  No matter our focus, desire, careers, our one main goal should be striving to heal and better ourselves, centering ourselves more and more until not only do we find peace and balance within, but no matter our circumstances or surroundings, we find home.