Unbreakable "Calvary Refugee"

This is why I absolutely love the new Netflix series, "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt", it speaks to me directly.  When I first saw the little blurb about it, a young girl escapes from a cult, I was intrigued because that's my own story...and then it made me laugh very very hard.  And, I learned once again that our own personal tragedy can be funny and in that laughter we can find healing.  Well, I did.  I found commonality.

Unlike Kimmy, I wasn't trapped underground, yet psychologically I was, trapped.  Fed a bunch of lies about the world, held back from forming my own opinions and shaping my own identity, from continuing to shape deep meaningful relationships with those on the outside,  my family and long-time friends.  In a very real sense, I lost a lot of time.  But now, I'm gaining it back.

Starting Over Again

Why did I allow myself to do this willingly? It seemed like a lot of fun, at first.  But then it slowly began to be not so fun.  It became restrictive and at best judgmental.  In a place where I thought I had family, I felt more alone and isolated, frightened really, than I ever thought possible.  The only thing to do then was to run as far away as possible, into the great big scary world.

And, then my eyes were opened, once again.  The scales, as it were, fell away.  And, what I saw truly surprised me.  The world was no longer scary, was not really coming to an end full of depravity and grotesque sin.  People were still really good at heart, full of love and acceptance.  Friends that I hadn't really been there for were still there for me, happy to take me in again with open arms.  I found myself over and over again; I found family, I found love.

Like Kimmy, I look up at the world daily with great big eyes of wonderment.  It really is a beautiful, awe-inspiring place with so much to see and do.  For so long locked away, I now gaze outwards, all around me, with such fascination and joy.

In truth, I'm in a better place now, one that I never thought could ever be again.  I'm happy, I'm full of joy and peace, and honestly, I am unbreakable.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Theme Song

And, I'm free.

Free At Last!

I'd like to dedicate this entry to my fellow "Calvary Refugees", David Templeton and Jessica Heald with so much gratitude for sharing their stories of recovery and healing.  I also extend my gratitude towards my fellow cult survivors, Richard Royce and David Demoss, may they continue to find healing and renewal in their journeys.

So, homosexuality is out, but adultery is in?

Okay, here are my thoughts on gay rights & the fundamental Christian view point.  (This is at the risk of alienating some friends that have already pretty much alienated me so....well...there it is.)

As you know, I used to go to a church which I believe now to be a cult, or in the least cult-like.  I eventually left not because of the gay issue but for my own issues, which you can read about in my blog entry entitled, My Story. At Last, which details the reasons why I believe it to be thus.  (Reasons such as leadership controlling what you read or how you educate yourself,  sexual discrimination, exclusivity within the church/all other churches & beliefs are wrong, the enforced belief that everything about you is wrong or evil, forced to "get rid of" outside relationships, etc.)

It was after I left & finally made connections with other 'refugees' that I started hearing some rather disturbing reports.  One of which is the issue of adultery & child abuse/sexual among the leadership that is in some way swept under the carpet.  At the time, I was a member if any "controversy" was going on, I probably had it explained to me, in some manipulative way, why things were handled the way they were.  (To my shame, I believed them.)

But, now I hear reports of senior pastors & youth pastors who are discovered to have committed adultery or statuary rape who are not removed from the church but taken under the wing of some other leader for counseling, still offered their complete salary & benefits from the church, while their victims suffer alone, without any form of compensation.  Other times, they are removed from the church they were part of but then appear years later active in leadership in another church in another part of the country.  Furthermore, I've heard of accounts of registered sex offenders attending the church & the leadership does not take action or have the offender admit their presence.  While my buddies, the Drunk Ex-Pastors​, Jason Stellman & Christian Kingery, two former Calvary pastors, got kicked out of Calvary for having differing views on scripture, kicked out in a foreign country & financially cut off.  They are not spoken of at all anymore within the church yet were very well-connected with Chuck Smith & the "big church" in Costa Mesa.   (As they joked, they should have just committed adultery!) What of Pastor Lonnie Frisbee, a man responsible for big revival in Calvary in the 1960's, who was later discovered to be homosexual who has now been erased from any references in the church history.

First, the idea of the sin of homosexuality versus the sin of adultery.  The scripture often quoted by fundamentals is this one:

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals,"

As they adamantly profess this as a reason for bigotry against homosexuals, yet adultery runs rampant & undisclosed & unaccounted for in their very own churches.  Why? How is that right? Are these somehow above the very own scriptures they profess, above the laws of God?  Is this not a form of hypocrisy unrepentant?

Next, the idea of the sex offenders, etc.  When I was attending back in 2004, the senior pastors would speak from the pulpit about  how a law had been passed that the government could arrest pastors for speaking against things of the law, ie homosexuality issues, I believed this.  However, in the time I attended, they continued to speak out but I never saw any government official or police officer come storming into the church, arrest them, & chop off their heads, furthermore, I never actually saw or read this mysterious bill, just as they professed that the pledge of allegiance was no longer done in the public school districts, yet it is still recited.  But, they did not see fit to announce, for the safety of their other members, that there were registered sex offenders in the church, or to deal with appropriately as the Bible decrees (and Calvary professes to be the most biblical of all churches) the issue of adultery within their leadership.  Are Calvary pastors & churches above the law?

As I write this while I try to remain neutral & to relate the 'facts' as best I can, I find myself shaking with emotion, the memories of the past abuse flooding back towards myself & those I loved.  I want to vomit & I want to cry, but more than that I want justice, restitution, & freedom, oh so very much, for my dear friends, those that no longer speak to me, that are still trapped inside.

Why are churches like Scientology & the Catholic Church under investigation for these issues yet Calvary remains unseen? I can no longer be silent.  Yes, my life is better & yes, I believe that success is the best revenge for me personally.  But, I must speak out.  This is NOT right!

Drunk Ex-Pastors

http://calvarychapelabuse.com/wordpress/bob-coy-update-500000-per-year-salarycomp-from-ccftl-wife-and-daughter-to-california-son-to-college-bob-coy-under-calvary-chapel-pastor-in-tennessee/

http://www.christiantoday.com/article/pastor.bob.coy.resigns.affair.scandal.moral.failing.calvary.chapel.fort.lauderdale.congregants.heartbroken/36611.htm

http://www.understandthetimes.org/commentary/c108_spirit.shtml

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lonnie_Frisbee

Why I'm Glad My Ex Abused Me!

Why am I glad my ex abused me? Before you get your panties in a bunch, pause a moment to let me explain.

He didn't start out as an asshole.  Chances are I wouldn't have stayed with him at all, let alone married him, if he had been, well, maybe I would have.

On the contrary, he was very sweet at first; a good listener, compassionate, and truly seemed to be the perfect guy, my true love.  Moreover, he was an old friend from my younger days.  Days of endless blue skies wiling the hours away at coffee shops, running amok through the town with him and the other boys as only young adults can.  A real life "Elaine Benes" I was indeed.  To this day, the taste of coffee on my tongue, not merely a physical addiction, but one that evokes an emotional recall.

He was, when all is said and one,  my first love.  He was intense, passionate, darkly intelligent, and dangerous in a way that I first found attractive.  But back then, I didn't know just how dark that danger would lead.

He was a suffering soul; he played that part well and I fell for it, coming to his rescue as only my Savior-Complex, Co-Dependent complex knew how.

He came back into my life, after a 6 year absence, and it was all I had been dreaming of, hoping for, praying for, during that separation.  At that time, he was the only man with whom I had ever been in love.  Our courtship was a whirl-wind passionate affair and our marriage was a fairy-tale experience! He was my tall, dark, and handsome prince come to woo me away from my lonely existence.  Away we went to live happily ever after...

As we began our lives together, he quickly started spiraling downward, which at first I persuaded myself wasn't happening.  I wanted to believe that his delusions and conspiracy theories were somehow true, when they failed to be, I found it increasingly difficult to smile and pretend everything was all right.  His distrust and emotional violence towards me began escalating rapidly from that point forward.  What once was a dream became more and more a nightmare!

I was constantly praying for deliverance, strength, protection; calling friends and family in tears, lost in confusion and fear.

The night before Oscar Sunday 2013, I found myself in driveway of a friends' house with another friend, bemoaning to him all my trials and tribulations once again.  He astutely pointed out that my entire life I had been a victim of some form of abuse.  This was oddly comforting and inspiring.

The next day I gave the performance which, if filmed, should have awarded me the Academy; I tearfully kicked the love of my life out and lived to tell the story.

Thus began my new life.  As I began to pick up the pieces, with the help of the love and laughter of some new friends and old, I grew stronger and my life began to expand exponentially.  My dreams and passions became a real life pursuit, the only thing that mattered.

As my friend had pointed out that fateful night, I began to look back on my life at the other forms of abuse I had once experienced and was finally able to release my anger and denial.  I learned about the kind of child abuse I had incurred, the youthful abuse from my class-mates in middle school, discovered a name for the turmoil I'd experienced at Calvary, spiritual abuse, and lastly realized the violence I had inflicted upon myself as a result.  As I said, this didn't spur on more anger but came as a sort of release.

I was able to finally forgive and heal, not just the wounds of others but those of myself as well.  I chose no longer to allow negativity, abuse, and control from others and to follow my own path as per my destiny.   I was able, then, to offer love to all, both friend and foe, and also myself.  I was finally free to be me, to accept myself fully, to see beauty in every part of myself, faults notwithstanding.  I was able to see the reasons for the years of suffering, to see how it connected to my true path.

"I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through", as Madonna croons, "I became shiny and new."

I found my way out.  I found freedom.  At Last.

Like A Virgin

Ood ouy Pompidou?

Er shoe, "Pompidou" es tho abuit a nam huu lust hes walth and leves in doughnot.  Doughnot? Uh huh.  Pompidou P. Pompidou wis rared ass a manner buut lust ite.  Leving wath Pompidou ess hes sirvent and dug.

Gibberish now only talks he.  Dough makes sense.  Er?

Pompidou on Netflix Series Original.

Pompidou

Boy Meets Transgender Girl

Netflix is amazing, truly!  I don't know why it took me so long to sign-up for this gem of mainstream media because I have stumbled across many a high quality and interesting production.  Today's blog review is more than the exception.   The movie, Boy Meets Girl, is about a young transgender woman, Ricky, growing up in a small Southern town.

I've long since been a firm supporter in the transgender community, not in the least because I have some dear friends who profess, such as the infamous Jackie Pollock, but because of my own decision to change myself based on who I am inside.

Not only did the movie fall into the popular romantic comedy genre, it took it to another level when dealing with the issue of transgender identity, being true to oneself, following one's dreams, and the desire we all have to find true love.  The film was funny, poignant, dramatic, and told the truthful story of a transgender's hardships to be true to themselves without compromise and with integrity.
It showed me just how hard and painful that road can be and further deepened my support for those in this community, as well as all people who struggle with being proud of and true to themselves.

Watch "Boy Meets Girl" on Netflix starring Michael Galante and Michelle Hendley.  You won't be disappointed.

Boy Meets Girl Trailer

Help Support A Transgender Woman Follow Her Heart

Netflix' Best Kept Secret Revealed!

I recently discovered this new TV show called "Scrotal Recall" which I have been quite obsessed with, or rather just a pretty big fan.  (Don't be turned off by the title, keep reading!)

The show stars Johnny Flynn as Dylan who discovers he has contracted chlamydia and must contact his past sexual partners.  That's the gist of the storyline and we watch as he remembers his past relationships while contacting the various girl-friends.  Its basically a complicated approach at the quest for love.

The show is smartly written.  Each episode weaves between past events and present day as we learn about Dylan and that of his best friends, Evie (played by Antonia Thomas) and Luke (played by Daniel Ings).  All three of these actors have champion-like talent and a positive connection with one another.  As I watch, I find myself wanting to hang out with and be best buds with each of these characters, even Luke who would most likely try to get me to sleep with him!

Only six episodes streaming on Netflix as of yet, this show definitely deserves a must-see and gets my standing ovation for 'best kept secret' that leaves the viewer clamouring for more.

Scrotal Recall Trailer