On The Other Side Of Hope

One grows up with certain expectations, at least in the American social construct.  That of, to get into a good college, find a good life-partner/wife/husband, buy the house with the garage, crap out the kids, etc etc etc.  So, onwards into our lives we go with those societal expectations influencing our every move of what a happy successful life is to be.  But, what of it when we pass those guideposts, coming out on the other side, we find it lacking? Where then is the hope of living to be found?

Full disclosure: This is coming from a woman with both a bachelors in science (A BS in Human Communication, y'all take that!), an advanced degree in teaching (which she will never use but still has to begrudging pay off the loans from it), has once walked down the aisle of wedded bliss, said "I do", then rather, "I don't", and has the divorce papers to show for it.  Furthermore, this from a woman who was diagnosed in 2006 with Bipolar, who struggled with and fought hard to overcome her emotional and mental difficulties, to finally being able to use her mood disturbances for the greater good in bringing fulfillment to her creative desires.  This also from a woman who spent just shy of ten years in a fundamentalist mainstream Christian church, having left, dealt with the fall-out from the pain caused by the deconstruction of her faith and loss of what she thought were her forever friends.

Yes, by all intents and purposes, I should be jaded.  But, I'm not.

Because when it comes down to it, what our society and culture deems success and happiness falls flat against the true purpose of one's life, does not hold up weight against the greater scheme of the Universe's design.  Now, please don't think I'm trying to sound piously religious or even spiritual, remember I left that all behind (see above paragraph).  However, I do believe that the trappings of this world are mere constructs of our own desire for happiness and peace, not the real deal itself.

A dear friend of mine from college and I have a special title for the our hang out nights whenever  one of us is visiting the other, we venture forth into the world for "No Fucks Given Night".  This is not to say we are not dissuading the other from any sort of romantic sexual encounter, rather we are talking about our well-being and overall viewpoint of life.  Because when life has dealt its fair share of bad hands, when you've overcome the difficulties of life that are myriad and plentiful, the daily activity of life becomes less of a complication or cause of anxiety.  Basically, having all your sense of idealism shattered, coming out on the other side brings an awareness not only of your strength but also your internal understanding of self.  This brings about not only a sense of peace and calm but true happiness despite the outward circumstances. 

Thus, as life continues forward, and you find yourself without the manufactured societal enforced hopes, you can bravely say, "No Fucks Given", for you have found the true happiness found within, from having those external promises dashed and broken before your eyes, you come out on the other side of hope, existing more than you ever thought possible,  more than you could have ever dreamt possible. 

Rise

Goddess Arrives

Here she comes.  The Goddess Within has arrived, is arriving, in a much larger, more powerful way than I could have imagined.  As I continue throughout life, being present to the life-lessons given to me by the great beyond, the wizard in the sky or god, or some may say, the Universe, I find myself coming more fully into myself, into my own power. 

This spring I have been fortunate to be working on and cast in three different forms of artistic expression that centers around female empowerment, from the Vagina Monologues, to my original web-series with a female heavy cast, Nate & Laura & How They Met, to my next theatre production out this April, The Dixie Swim Club.  In all of these, I am surrounded by in abundance, powerful, fully charged women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and varieties that help to charge me to my fullest energetic self.

Needless to say, it has been an extremely inspiring season with all this healthy feminine energy being absorbed into me, filling me with the strength to make the right choices and to learn from, lean on, and listen to the ever-present guidance of the Universe.  

The most essential lesson is that I find myself becoming more and more aware of myself as a Goddess or even the Goddess, rather infused with the Deity of Goddess within all of us, or at least extremely aware of it.   At present, I cannot give the exact name of what particular Goddess fits this description other than to say its the wholeness of the Goddess in all her forms, filling, embracing, and empowering me. 

Lessons that are overflowing within my heart are the need to receive as much love as is given from me, to cease devaluing every part of myself and thus allow for complete healing of my younger and present selves (see previous blog entry, "Healing 15, 23"), to start to understand and redefine what my needs and wants are involving romantic relationships in this new phase of me as fully self accepted and self confident human being, and now increasingly I feel the need to explore the notion of sexual healing.  The latter two seem to relate and are still a shadowy picture yet to be defined, fully explored, understood, but I know that in the weeks and months to come, they will find resolution and more of myself will reach empowerment and understanding.

However, recently I have come back into close recurrent contact with an old flame (somewhat platonic, nothing beyond hand-holding has occurred) and it has brought up the old memories of who I was when we were together.  As I have expressed to him, I am truly not the same needy, emotionally clinging, empty heart waiting for a hero to fill, girl he once knew.  In her place, arrives an increasingly self aware, confident woman more like a queen than a princess. 

For that, I dedicate to him and to this time of my life, this song:

You Should See Me In A Crown

Healing 15, 23

Increasingly in my life recently, I have felt as if the veil has been lifted, between the physical and spiritual realm.  Fresh insights and understandings heighten my life as I encounter the occurrences of daily life.  The most meaningful lesson of my life thus far this year has been the experience of finding healing and freedom within different ages of me.  

For instance, having a showcase of my original play, One Of Us, performed at a local play-reading brought back into my life a friend and former flame from the time of life the play is very loosely based upon.  This relationship started around age 23 and by restoring a friendship with this man, this red-head, I have been able to re-examine the part of myself that once fell for him and the reasons behind the relationship's demise, namely the church's intrusion in the matters of my heart.  As I struggled with these feelings, my 23 year old self asserted herself.  

"Please," she explained.  "Just let me explore this without worry, concern, or influence.  I never got that before, its very therapeutic."

So, as a good enlightened older self, I listened and let her have it, and thus the healing has begun, then as it is now.  

This last Monday, March 4th, my poor 15 year old self was dealt a heart-break of her own kind.  One of her teen heart-throbs, Luke Perry, died of a massive stroke on that day, finding this out after a morning walk where the Universe gifted me with a stock pile of heart shaped rocks.  Love in abundance, let me tell you.  

 As the shock waves erupted over me due to that loss, I was once again back into the reality of my teenage self.  I meditated upon the significance of this show in my early life and how, like most things in my past, I have been afraid to proclaim my love of and admiration for it.  As I sat through my pain, my 15 year old came to me, distraught, sobbing, at a loss for words, insisting that I buy her '90210' t-shirts as a memorabilia.  I tried to explain that the finances were not really available for this special treat, but at 15 she was still not clear on the concept of finances and the issues surrounding money.  She sat begging before me, unable to understand her emotions.

My 23 year old self was a little more understanding.  She was a recent graduate of college, was working a full-time job, had rent, and other financial issues to attend to, so thus all she requested was to hang out with the boy, maybe to grab a cup of coffee or a drink with him sometime.  Okay, that's it.  We can do that.

But, as I looked over at my 15 year old self, I took all of her in, recalling everything that was her world back then.  She had already suffered the heartbreak of two boyfriends leaving her, one of which who had bounced into a relationship with her so-called best friend, maybe an hour after giving her the big dump.  One of her other friends had disappeared off to Chico with her boyfriend and just vanished from her life.  (You  have to remember this was basically pre-Internet or cellphone, so there was no real instant communication, unless face to face.)  Her siblings had all gone off to college, leaving her at home alone with her parents.  She was trapped up on a hill above a very small rural vineyard-filled town.  She was very much alone and very much depressed, and if she hadn't already, she had made her first suicidal gesture.  She'd spend much of June, laying in her bed, unable to move until 12:00 pm, when she would begrudgingly pull herself from bed, until the Prozac kicked in and elevated her mood, a bit, just a bit.  Beverly Hills, 90210 was more than an escape, but just as much apart of her understanding of the world as her physical surroundings.   Added to this, death is a lot more intense than having an old flame return to your life, especially to a young naive 15 year old girl who had yet to experience the reality of mortality.  

So, yeah, I gave in and bought her those t-shirts and immediately the crease in her brow relaxed, the crying lessened, she sighed deeply.  It wasn't that that I had spoiled her rotten, instead I had allowed her to feel heard, which made her feel she mattered, which lessened the extent of her far-reaching pain.  So much of her life, and mine, I have spent personally de-valuing me and allowing myself to be devalued by others, to not share myself in fear of being rejected, losing out on love.  That same day, I made the public announcement of my love for Beverly Hills, 90210, another facet of acknowledging my younger self and releasing myself and her from living in any sense of shame.

Its just a TV show after all, from the 90's.  But, the act of proclamation runs deeper than that.  Its proclaiming with pride who I am, what I value, and receiving love from those who equally value me.  Its allowing myself the freedom to express myself and the reassurance of being heard, thus my value and self-confidence grows exponentially.

When death comes in, I always am gifted with a valuable lesson by the one passing onward.  I feel grateful that by his passing, Luke Perry helped me to acknowledge a deeper love and appreciation for myself, a willingness to be open, vulnerable, and truthful.  Basically, allowing me to come into myself more fully and be truly me.  I am eternally grateful to him for that as well as the entire cast of my beloved teen favorite TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Rest In Power, Luke & much love to his cast-mates, many thanks, 15 year old Lia!

Death Is Nothing At All