Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Self-Analysis

I sit here, contemplating the words to fill this screen, drinking cheap yet tasty shiraz, and chatting online with my once upon a time (yeah, like two weeks) Italian Amore.  (He looked a lot like Matthew McConnahey, but even better...)

Truly, this last year has been a year of rebirth, finding myself, and, as the word that keeps swimming through my synapses: Breaking free...

Breaking free from the overly-hyped formats of organized religion, parental controls even in adulthood (yikes), and a not so present past, that now, despite years of trying, I have finally found my healing.

It has come about in so many ways, such as the God that these religious denominations tried to force on me yet found Him in my own way, and finding my back to childhood passions that have now become real....

Like finding old friends and flames...and finding and making ones.

Theatre and acting was always a dream of mine, yet I set out for it in what I now realize was the wrong direction.  I went in searching of fame, fortune, glory...and through rejection, heartache, and disenchantment, I found myself, my passion, my purpose...which led me back to the world of the stage, surprisingly, without much effort.  As I said, when my darling love and I came together in the art of matrimony, we decided we would never let each other stand in the way of our dreams...(Don't let this "arthitus" stand in your way...) so, in climbing back on 'the boards', it was not just a dream, cause I had long since given up hope of fame and seek only a peaceful life with my love and two kitties (and little children...soon), it was to conquer the old fears and to prove to myself that I actually could do it....and I did.  Hell, a fear years ago, when I was "bipolar", I was walking up in front of a group of people, telling them how messed up I had been and was and how I pulled myself out of it, etc etc etc....so, dressing up as a hooker, not a problem!

I didn't expect the blessings and love I got from it.  The friendships, the intense healing, not just in doing the play, but in getting to know the character.

And, I realize the art of theatre is not in the applause, not in having one's name up in lights, but, as in every day life, in the personal growth and healing of the character and the actress...and its in the relationship with self, others, and the creator...in making the difference in the world so as to leave it a better place...

Isn't that how we all want to be remembered? That we left the world a better place, a little brighter, a little more love left after we have exited stage left...the knowledge that we have brought a "lite" to someone's eyes!


Monday, July 30, 2012

Wormwood: A Taste of Bitterness

"I'm not bitter, I'm a pacifist"--says Charlie Blossom, this after he rails on and on about how he wants to "bash in his boss's face in", or meditate in the library to get even with them for firing him.  So, yeah, he's not bitter!

But, really don't we all get this way, claiming to be one of peace and love yet in a moment of high stress or even low, we lapse into a spasm of anger or tension, or both.

Jesus calls us to a life of peace and promises freedom from a life of drudgery, not so much that we won't have the humdum details of life to encounter, but that we can do these mundane activities with the focus of worship and service to him, and thus to others.

Lately, I have found myself diverging down the path to bitterness, which leads to a heart of trespasses, ie, seeking pleasure from that which is not profitable.  This, then is a heart of wickedness, an intent to not please my maker or those he has gifted me with, to turn away, to trespass against.  What is the reason for this following away? Answer: Bitterness.

All to often, when and if people crack open the Bible, they will read it for history, proof of its validity or the existence of God, looking for contradictions and finding none push it away for it does what it has been doing for me of late: exposing my heart.

Yes, that's true, in all my reactions of late, what strikes me as I do my daily duties is how quickly my temper flares, even if it is by myself, when no one sees.  God sees!  So, in that, what I have discovered is bitterness of my own heart, feeling left out, pushed aside, feeling overwhelmed by the complications of life.  "It isn't fair!" I complain, yet God says, "Yes, life isn't, but I am!"

In that, he reminds me of his death, the penetrated holes in his hands, feet, the scars covering his whole body; the blood of grace that was shed for that very heart of bitterness.  So, I release the pain, the frustration, and try my best to trust that there is a purpose in all things, that "all things work together for good for those who love God".  In short, I surrender and do it again...and again...again.  Because I know, that only in surrender will I be able to hear from God and actually be of use to him and all around me.

Yes, my quiet times with God, in his word, are one of the best forms of recovery, short of prayer, which is the ultimate in humility and sacrifice, because it exposes our true intentions and hearts, the wickedness within.  Once discovered, an act of true surrender is what is required to continue forth..

Drink the wormwood, it may taste bitter, but its nothing like the "corruption" within, and only with that drink, thy shall be healed!

"A heart that refuses to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit will not change, no matter how hard you pray."  --Stormie Omartian

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A Breathe of Life; A Quiet Repose: the Mystery at Work

I find myself lately getting lost in the chaos of life, do you?  Whether it be illness, financial difficulties, emotional trauma, busyness with work or household duties, at times it feels difficult to keep up and maintain a semblance of peace within myself, and therefore, I forget to take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment, and relax in knowing that somehow, someway, it all gets done.  And in the end, the details of life are of less importance than the relationships we form, the blessings from our creator that enrich our lives.  And truly, if we invest in that which is of eternal value, relationships to God, our loved ones, ourselves, aren't we of much more value for the mundane?

There is a saying in the world of the theatre, when all is said in done, worries about opening night and how it all comes through, it eventually does and with more grandeur and element of surprise than what was ever imagined.  In short, "It's a mystery!"

And so too, in our spiritual walks, however that may come about, we find in trusting ourselves into the hands of the divine, we are blessed with the infinite knowledge that everything will work out in the way it is supposed to, and with precious hopes that we will come away as unscathed as possible.

Truly one of the blessings of meeting my love, my partner, my best friend for life is that he encourages me, as I him, to follow and pursue our dreams and in the end, it is that which preserves our relationship, as we seek out to define ourselves apart from each other, we are brought even closer by the depths of our own understanding, an appreciation of the trust of letting ourselves be.  For, as I am learning as of late, in every relationship there is a natural ebb and flow of closeness which seeks to help us to breathe, step back, and come together again with renewed love and interest.  I am speaking not merely of my partner in crime and life, but also in the friendships and loyalties of my true friends, (Reader: you know who you are!)

So, my message, mostly for myself, and perhaps can be of benefit to you, may you follow your dreams for the wellbeing of your own psyche, spiritual growth, and that of your most cherished and deepest loves, relationships.


“Do the thing you love more than anything in life! You might become a bit unpredictable, sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible.”

Remember, in taking this step to personal growth and pursuing our dreams, we do find the chance to breathe in life, repose, and allow the mysteries and blessings of life to awaken us to health, happiness, and spiritual wellbeing.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Something to point to!

So, at church this morning, my Pastor
talked about investing in the spiritual and the earthly, as in what
lasts.  Even though we may want to build something on this earth for
our glory, it is not what matters....he referred to somebody building
a house with wood or metal and I thought of working....so, as I tried
to connect "something to point to" to God, the last portion of it
pointed to me, as in "look what I did, I did the job"...that was the
trouble.  So, this morning in church I rewrote it as this:

Look what God did,
See what's he done
He did the job!
He was the one!

I tell people about both of us having the faithfulness to pray before
every show, and then how most of the time, when we opened our eyes
there would be a whole group praying with us, unasked!! Those that
tell are as excited and pleased with that!!!

I hope our fellow thespians stop to think that "He" is who we point
to, and who did the "work" in the play, and in every part of our
life...

I pray and hope that we can always remember, in every instance and
circumstance whether joyful or troublesome, He is faithful and He will
do the work.

May we all have "Something to point to"...


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Our Greatest Enemy is Fear!

The buzz around town has been that we are, tried and true, living in da 'end times.  This comes as no surprise to me as starting my walk with God in the church in 2001, the study of escotology was all the rage.  Seems like every bible study or service talked about the impending rapture, or catching up of the church.  In fact, perhaps, a believer became a follower of Christ not merely because of HIS LOVE and FORGIVENESS but for fire insurance, who can know?

So, I went through a period of watching the news and pouring through the Book of Revelation and the prophets looking for clues to match up with the times claiming this was the end.  This is a far cry from my pre-Christ era when I would read and watch the news to try to guess what jokes would be tossed around on late-night television shows, and yet, Christian talk of end times, brought many a joke on late-night television shows and in secular circles.

But, now in my walk with God, I am more focused on the here and now, the present moment.  For, I cannot go back to my past or change it and the future is yet to be formed and out of my line of sight, so today is all I have.  I do not live my life in the dread that it is my last, but simply enjoy my time loving God, the world he gave me, and ALL of the PEOPLE he has placed in my life.

So, now it seems the spread of the end times views has reached the so-called unbelievers.  As I read Revelation, I am struck not by the fear of what's to come but by the promise of Christ that He will not only win but His promise to help us overcome so that "we may eat of the tree of life".

So, my dear sojourners on ye spiritual path, Fear not, and may the mercies of God be upon you to bring you to his love, grace, and patience.  He is with you now and until the end of time.

He who has ears, let him hear