Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 99: Every Age I Am #relivemychildhood ...

A nice short episode where I read a prose reflecting upon my younger selves, which leads into the idea that within every year I reach, I hold all the past ages within me. I share my love of walking in the dirt, which we all should do more of & get 'off line' more! Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98: He Said He Loves Me...#jouraling #...

In this episode, I share a prose re-telling the heartbreaks of myself & several of my high school female friends, which bleeds over to a male counterpart's heartbreak, because he was better than one of my female friends after all. I share the difference between my feeling lonely in the previous episode to the connection I have in this one, making me realize I wasn't all that lonely. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Excerpt from the upcoming episode of Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98

Excerpt from the upcoming episode of Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 98

Watch all episodes on youtube @cafegirlthrivers

Life Model 101: Agnes Sorel #agnessorel #agnessorelismyhero

Agnes Sorel was born in 1422 in Fromenteau, France. She was the daughter of a minor nobleman, but Agnes was destined for greatness. At the young age of 22, she found her way into the court of King Charles VII, becoming the first "official mistress" --Madame De Pompadour has her to thank-- She came to the royal court as she was an attendant to King Charles sister, the queen of Sicily, Isabel of Lorraine. It is said that Agnes studied the ways of the court in order to know the best way to behave and incorporate herself amongst the nobles and royalty. Her beauty captivated the King who threatened to leave his pregnant wife for Agnes. This role of first "official mistress" or "favourite" scandalized the country, as this had never been heard of or spoken of openly. He gave her wealth, castles, land, secured her a position meant for a queen, in turn she was able to give him wise council, helped persuade dignitaries to fund the war efforts, as well as four children. The freedom given to her by the king allowed Agnes to make bold choices with her style, from form-fitting busty dresses, and lots of diamond jewelry, which the King had previously had outlawed others to wear, only himself. Agnes defied that rule, causing an uproar and making him love her more. The most famous of Agnes Sorel style is captured in a painting by Jean Fouquet where Agnes is pictured as the virgin Mary showcasing her fashion choice of revealing one breast alongside a low cut form fitting dress. In addition to clothing, Agnes was a foodie, loved fine dining, and loved to cook. Her special taste has inspired many a chef, cook, and food enthusiast. Agnes Sorel's death at the age of 28, after the premature birth of her fourth child, was under shadowy circumstances. It was suspected that she was poisoned and in 2004, led by french historian, Philip Charlier, Agnes body was exhumed and studied, finding high amounts of mercury, commonly a cure for parasites which she had experienced, yet this was an unseemly amount, including in her hair. Thus, it was finally conceded that Agnes Sorel death was murder, most likely, guided by King Charles V11's son, Louis, jealous of her position and worried about his future, however, this is still conjecture. With the advancement of modern technology, Charlier and his team were able to reconstruct Agnes' face with the use of her skull, gaze upon her likeness. For more about Agnes Sorel, to learn about other life models in history, and to know what it is to be a Life Model, check out my course "Life Model 101" at cafegirlproductionsinc.com Filmed by Michael Meyer #agnèssorel #agnessorelismyhero

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 97: Save Yourself, Pink Power Ranger!

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 97: Save Yourself, Pink Power Ranger!

In this episode, I dawn my pink power ranger episode, ala Kimberly, aka Amy Jo Johnson the best pink ranger ever, and share a prose showing my early struggles with asking for help, feeling okay with not being okay, and the need to be rescued.

Check out merch & websites they are supporting:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours):

18002738255

Text Home to: 741741

If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter.

Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Merchandise:

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band...

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-...

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy

Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Journal Through The Years, Ep. 97 Excerpt: Save YourSelf, Pink Power Ran...

Autonomy: I Can Have Nice Things #womensrights #reproductiverights

 Like many women, female presenting, trans-sisters, and male allies, I have watched over the last several years as women's' reproductive rights have been challenged and slowly, but surely, systematically stripped away.  As a woman still bleeding yet quickly heading toward "The M Bomb", I haven't yet grasped the fullness of what having these rights taken away means absolutely.  Added to that, I am a woman living in a purple-ish state, in a particular city that is very liberal, is known as the "hippie artsy-fartsy" city in the western hemisphere of the States United, thus these challenges to my rights as a member of a particular sex and gender have yet to be at risk.  

But, then as a person saddled with the weight of trauma who only recently have been able to label, whether it be family, religious, or intimate partner, the impact is of an intense overwhelm that extends itself into every area of my daily life and inner psyche.  With these memories of others' chronic abuse and overpowering, gasping as I swayed away as my husband threw an expensive wedding gift by my ear or a fist against the wall near my head, a religious leader's manipulation convincing my femininity was the fault of his failings, to name a mere few, lends itself to this inner core belief that I am unworthy, of such things as success, prosperity, wealth, even true happiness, of having nice things. Yes, the fundamentalist Christian teachings helped enhance the already broken self worth from years of abuse previous with their insistence that nothing within myself is good or can ever be good, in fact, I am truly unworthy of good.

It definitely leaves a mark.

Thus, this history of personal misogyny enforced and insisted equals that of the collective feminine.  The insistence of taking away the freedom to choose, to have power over one's body. emphasizes the deeper need of one gender to control, subdue, subjugate the other.  In fact, labeling the latter as 'weaker' collectively increases the likelihood of increasing the import of such dominance.  Yet, strength is not something that can be quantified equally based on physical, mental, emotional, all have different ways of showing strength regardless of sex or gender, based on one's own life experience and personal history.  In my view, the insistence of one sex to take away the bodily autonomy of another in the attempt to subjugate shows true lack of strength.  

Recently, I had a phone conversation with a dear female friend, a few years above me in wisdom, and we discussed her recent experiences coaching woman through tarot reading that were senior to her.  They were asking her for advice, guidance, which seemed strange to her, shouldn't they be imparting towards me?  With that, I realized how the fullness of impact of decades, nay centuries, long subjugated of the lack of choice, bodily autonomy has impacted the emotional, mental abilities generationally.  

It has only been as recent as the 70's, some 40 years-ish ago, that women have been granted bodily autonomy in some fashion.  The physical effects the emotional and the mental, for both sexes and all genders.  If one is told they have power over the other, they will feel empowered to embody that control in all arenas, at times abusive and other times indirectly.  Those that have been systemically informed they are less than, unable to impact society as a whole, a voice not deserving of reckoning or even being heard, affects the overall worthiness of standing up, speaking out, even self actualization and understanding.

For me, then, this societal and personal life-long impact was fully recognized when I visited a mid-wife with request for assistance with extreme menstrual pain, to the point of inability to function.  As I sat in the room, discussing openly the possible issues, such as possible STI, endometriosis, cancer, and treatment options, the light dawned on me the importance of speaking openly about one's health, without fear or shame, and thus receiving that care with safety for all involved, that of myself and the  midwives in service to me.  This revelation brought into light the depth of my lifelong belief of my unworthiness and helped me recognize that I truly am capable of success, prosperity, wealth, that true happiness is attainable and rightfully mine, that truly, truly "I can have nice things."

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 96: You Can Cry

In this episode, I close out the prose on loneliness and sadness, musing on how crying is healing, feelings are not shameful, and are worthy of expressing. Then, The B@*@* is back--What the hell is wrong with Jake? Why is Michelle so jaded? Will we ever find out? Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Excerpt from Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 96

Life Model History: Julie Manet #artmodel #impressionism

Allow me to introduce to you, the darling 'daughter' of the impressionists, Julie Manet, born November 14th, 1868, to parents Eugene Manet, the younger brother of the acclaimed Edouard Manet, and to mother, Berthe Morisot. Both her parents were deceased by the time of her 16th birthday, first with her father, a few years later her mother. At her father's passing, she was taken under the tutelage of poet Stephane Mallarme, who when her mother passed, became her legal guardian. She was the favorite model of many impressionist artists, especially her doting mother, who portrayed much of her growing up, her Uncle Edouard Manet, and Pierre-Auguste Renoir. Her diary, Growing Up With The Impressionists, published in 1979, recounts her childhood life with her mother, then life afterwards as an orphan, living in a Parisian apartment with her cousins, traveling with Renoir, Degas, and others, sharing their lives together, their thoughts on current events at the time such as the Dreyfus Affair. Her diary continued with the preparations for her marriage to Ernest Rouart, painter and engraver, which was held in Passy, and was a double ceremony with her cousin, Jeannine Gobillard who married Paul Valery. Julie and Ernest would have a happy life together and together would have three children, Julien, Clement, and Denis, who inherited the works of Berthe Morisot.

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 95: Return To Reality #relivemychildho...

This episode leads me to sharing a prose revealing my lonely little heart, how I was struggling to cope then & yet see now that I had resources I never fully believed I deserved, knew I had. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Journaling Through The Years Excerpt Ep. 95: Return To Reality

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 94: Once Or Always? #relivemychildhood

In this episode, I read a prose entry that sparks a discussion on missing my summer camp friends & the reasons in my life. I reflect on how I use the pronoun "we" to detract from actually stating the personal impact of my loneliness, then discuss how coming into my junior year of high school was stressful due to the occurrences of the end of my sophomore year. Then, I discuss the value of always with you friends & those once in a moment encounters. Hint: They both are important. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Life Model History: Kiki #aliceprin #queen #montparnasse

The Queen of Montparnasse or rather, Kiki de Montparnasse or simply Kiki, given to her from a lover's pet name, Alice Ernestine Prin, born October 2, 1901, died April 29, 1953, was a model, a chanteus or bar/lounge singer, an actress, a painter, a memoirist, and most notably a liberated woman who lived her life on her own terms. Alice's birth was shrouded in shame, born illegimately, she spent much of her childhood in poverty with her grandmother,who she dearly loved. At age 12, her mother sent for her to live with her in Paris, in order to work and provide more income for herself and her then live-in male partner. Alice began working as a linotypist, as well as other degrading, harsh jobs. Although her love of self-decorating and art, often ended her various employments. At just 14, she posed nude for the first time, of which when her mother found her, she was called a prostitute and kicked out. Destitute and homeless, Alice would find a way to earn a living solely through nude modeling. Although a favorite of many famous artists, her strongest connection was with her most intimate relationship with the visual artist, Man Ray, who photographed, filmed, and created art with her through numerous works available today. Her loving family of friends followed her coffin to her final resting place at Cimetière parisien de Thiais, where her tombstone simply read: "Kiki, 1901–1953, singer, actress, painter, Queen of Montparnasse".Having a lifelong struggle with alcohol and drug dependency, Kiki left this earth at the age of 51 on either March 23 or April 29, 1953. For more about Alice Prin, as well as other art models in history, and to learn what it means to be a life model, check out my course: "Life Model 101" at cafegirlproductionsinc.com

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 94 Excerpt Only: Once Or Always? #reli...

A short series on this channel where I read through the journals I have been writing in since I was old enough to hold a pencil & then share my thoughts on how it shaped my understanding of myself and helped me find meaning in the various stages of my life. See playlist: Journaling Through The Years for all episodes!

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 93: The Past Links Today #ravencliff #...

In this entry, I share an entry written in the fall of my junior year of high school, wherein I reflect on missing my summer camp friends and the unconditional love given contrasted with the feeling of lonely awkwardness coming back to school after my depression breakdown & the loss of friendship with my so-called best friend dating princess bride boyfriend. As I ponder how at the time, I felt more a kinship and connection to my camp friends, I realize now the true family was the ones I had been with every day of my life since preschool, my high school class. But, this leads to a reflection on how both are vital and important, the special unique once in a a moment connections coupled with the every-day growing together experiences & how both of these are what made me who I am today, linking my past to today. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 92: One Night At Richardson Grove #ca...

In this episode, I share a short entry about a memorable summer night at Richardson Grove, outside Garberville, California, with my camp friends. I reflect on where and who I was at the time, what I had been through and how it had affected those closest to me. I ponder the differences of the friendship connections with my camp associations versus my high school classmates from my small school, sharing how those beliefs have changed yet one important facet remains: Love. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

And The Oscar Goes To...ME! #domesticviolencesurvivor #freedom #thriver #february24th #liberation #independenceday

 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

I've been dabbling in painting lately, I'm not very good, but I enjoy the process, of creating, exploring and learning a new medium.  Likewise, I find myself hanging out with, associating with fine artists more then other creative types these days, in and out of art studios and art classrooms and devouring book after book about life models in history where the famous artists who immortalized them people the pages.  Furthermore, as I continue my recovery journey, the whole span of my life unto this point becomes so vitally vivid, each moment a swash of paint on the canvas of my healing heart, moments that I took for granted, love given that I was not aware of at the time.  A friend on the phone ending a voice message with "God Bless" awkwardly and the paintbrush swishes upwards, freak-outs leaving me running in college chased by my friends, another brush-stroke, an heartbreaking conversation with a friend where neither knew how to express their truth yet still loved, a brush stroke, getting let go from my professional teaching job because of my mental health, brush, brush, brush, each moment paints a vivid portrait of my journey to wholeness. 

Thus, February 24, 2013, the day I had had enough., another brush stroke on the canvas of my soul. Moments before, on the phone sobbing with a friend who questions why I'm not watching the Oscars...because I couldn't take it anymore, not her, not the academy awards, but my husband's rampant, psychotic, narcissistic manipulation and abuse.  But more than him, the long chain of others, friends, boyfriends, family, a pastor, a therapist, so many throughout the course of my life, whose aim seemed to be to restrain me from being me, them getting off on the wounding, to darken my light so that theirs may shine...

No more, on that day in 2013, snot dripping, tears flowing, screaming, "Go, you say you want to, so go!" Fighting not to crumble as I watched the man I believed to be my true love leave.  In the weeks to follow, feeling empty yet strong, I began to fill my days with daffodils of hope, laughter, love, which buoyed me up for the hard things to come.  Two beautiful room-mates came into my life once I bravely filed the papers to restrain HIM, an adorable new fur-baby (a strong feminine spirit in her own right), a loving, patient new partner, so many meaningful, creative friendships who would lift up, even when I fell awkwardly or ashamedly made mistakes that wounded.  Again and again, that love would make it self a reality, spanning backwards in time before that fateful day in 2013 on forward and it's that love that ultimately helped me heal, helped me again and again to value and speak up for myself, realize my deserving of love, to truly loving myself and being my own best friend.  

And, it was that day, February 24, 2013, the catalyst of such upheaval, that overturned my world-view, an earthquake that awakened a volcano of emotion, release flooding outwards, finally, peace to be me.  

We honor dates throughout our lives, not just national or world holidays, or even birthdays.   But, personal landmark dates that solidify our soul's identity.  From anniversaries of long-term relationships spanning before the time of Facebook, dates of deaths of loved ones, vows of recovery dates, and dates of personal independence such as mine today, painted on the canvases of our souls vitally important  to meditate, ponder, and celebrate where we were then to who we have become. 

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics)

And, I have come far, am a completely different person that made that oh so brave decision that day, who I am and all that I would do is yet unimagined, as such so much of who the path she had followed before that date, a girl accepting her fate of being told, held down, controlled, lost in the throes of surrender, hoping to find peace.  For her, then, I share the victory of today, February 24, 2024, the paintbrush in my own hand, basking in the warmth of early spring sunlight, a feeling of freedom on my skin, a deep well of feeling everything amidst the stability of peace, union within.  All of this, I send backwards to her, to all of me, whoever wondered if her 'ship would come in' as she dutifully submitted, that, yes, freedom would arrive at her doorstep with the power of one word, "Go" banishing the hatred of destroyers, giving her the freedom to create and paint herself wholly.  Alive and Real. 

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)