Three Fingers Pointing #lookwithinfirst #nohypocricy

 

The other day, I was on Facebook...the start of a sentence that no good could come from...hang on, let me start again.

A friend in recovery and I always quip, after long discussions on the current political climate, "Ah, the world needs recovery, everyone just needs recovery."

So, with that in mind, I was on Facebook and I found this video of a woman critizing, even taunting, Christians for their hypocrisy in claiming to be followers of Jesus while seemingly not staying true to the teachings of Jesus.  Sharing it around, I included two of my current "Fundie-Christian friends".*

Watch here: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DQb8u74kSww/?igsh=eWsxMjdxOW1qM21p

As I shared with them, I realized instantly their possible reaction, whether they voiced it towards me or not, something that I have had said to me for years since I left Christianity and openly deconstructing over ten years ago.  That rhetoric, "Don't be mad at God, it's the people that caused the pain, people aren't perfect, God is."

Now, early on in my deconstruction, I would react with sarcastic anger, seeming to prove to them their valid point and the open channel of communication destroyed.  Thus, the divide rift widened.  

I don't often share these videos directly with my former, current 'fundie' friends because I know that this will be the reaction.  This maddens me at the inability to admit the truthfulness in such post, to view the reality of their beliefs causing harm, to play victim while they victimize....

When one finger points, three are pointing back. 

Ah, therein lies the rub.  This isn't now an attack on the 'fundie' exclusively, but an attempt to awaken us all to the flaws in our own psyches, bridging the divide with the realization of our own shared humanity.

We all have the propensity to point out when pressed with the flaws in our behavior, beliefs, thoughts rather than admit our faults.  

In the current horror of darkness my country is spiraling, I will continue to post real life monstrosities.  Yet, before I do such, I will do my utmost best to look first at the fingers pointing back, trying to reflect upon my reason for doing, remembering the areas where I have wronged and caused harm.  The desire to help others coming forth from my own healing such that that will be a beacon to attract others out of their own tumult.  

Yes, the world needs recovery, everyone needs recovery and it starts by following the three fingers pointing back.  Recovery is a coupling of inner, active critical thinking with love.

*I use "Fundie" hear as a slang for mainstream Christianity, not meant to be derisive or insulting.  I understand that my Christian friends, whose viewpoints no longer align with mine, still do not see themselves as such. 

#Recovery, My Own, For Me

 

Recovery, the very word itself, is as a foreign language to those not participating in their own journeys.  An individual not ready to admit how the choices of their lives are negatively impacting them will find themselves at odds with the one seeking guidance out of their craziness.  Added to that,  seeing one break free from destruction may cause a conviction upon the other not in recovery, who therein reacts with anger and tactics to undermine the healer in attempt to get them to re-join the toxic pathway.

I have been on a journey of recovery since 2006 when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar 1.  In those early days, I found myself fearful of the label yet clung to it for some hope of answer.  I felt isolated from others due to my own doing as well as being surrounded by those not suffering from the throes of mental illness.  The term "mental illness" or any of its various diagnoses felt foreign and a death sentence.  In 2008, I found NAMI and other forms of support groups, low income therapy, and throughout left the feeling of isolation and began the recovery journey.

However, being part of a fundamentalist "evangelical" worldview plus not yet working on my codependent rescuing, left me with the inability to not make recovery about myself, leaving the others journeys their own.  I attempted multiple times, throughout all of my life but especially in the early days of recovery, to TELL people their issues, what was wrong, with the hopes of assisting only to be met with resistance, anger, loss of friendship.  

As time wore on further, I used this 'rescuing' and the knowledge earned from my insatiable desire to learn all things, that being psychology in recovery, as a means to set boundaries.  Labeling another to their face with a diagnosis was not acceptable according to my position.  Setting boundaries is not about fixing or changing the other, even punishing the other, it's caring for oneself in affirming how one's desire for respect.

Furthermore, setting boundaries is an act of love for oneself and others.  Recovery, in itself, is not about the other but the self healing.  In my journey at present, I seek to maintain the focus on myself, how others affect me, not to punish or change them, but how I may care for myself and assist in my soul's evolution.  Not to say that I am completely perfect in this self-work, that would defect the point of recovery (See Step One), rather I daily choose to come back to myself.  In the world of recovery, we say "progress not perfection".  For I cannot know truly what is in the mind of another, nor can they know mine, I can only choose to act in integrity of self love, doing my best to not react to toxicity, but also learning to stand for myself with an unshakable voice and inner stability. 

Never do I seek to close myself in the impacting of boundaries to the opportunity of healthy, honest conversations with those still in the throes of their own pain, but I do not pressure them in word or deed, force them into healing, rather as I focus on self, I put my assurance that truly others journey towards discovery of self is found in 'attraction, not evangelism".

In my recovery 

I’m a soldier at war 

I have broken down walls

 I defined 

I designed 

My recovery

Keep soaring 

Keep song-writing

 Keep soaring 

Keep song-writing

 My recovery

James Arthur - Recovery (Lyrics)

Sex.

 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

All right, I got your attention with the title, so let me explain why it's not for me, at least, not right now. 

I came of age in a world where AIDS was the BIG illness, not Covid19, condoms were the mask to protect, abstinence was preached in my public school health classes, as a viable option in deterring any STDs or pregnancy mishaps.  The basics of how to prevent such alongside a brief description of adolescent changes were all that were given, while Hollywood and Disney spoon fed the illusion of the perfect romantic union.  Sex was then something to be both feared yet a very real necessity for romantic relationship.  As I watched Dylan woo Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210, then later Donna give it up to David in a romantic rose petal strewn bedroom complete with the safe sex moment, I longed for, imagined almost to the detail, my own perfect moment. 

What I got, time and time again, was, although at times beautifully fulfilling and special, was also, at other times, sorely lacking and besought with devastation.  

Okay, don't get me wrong, I am not gonna launch into an article on why the purity culture is pretty darn amazing and we all should become born-again fundie virgins...no, that time of my life is way far behind me and as much as I can say that the idealism of longed-for romantic sex unrequited broke me, the toxicity of purity culture helped not either.  Actually, becoming a fundie born-again virgin, rather abstaining from sex, was the only part of that mindset that was acceptable by me, a demi-grey-sexual, who doesn't require or desire sex on the regular anyway.  The devastating part of purity culture, rather, was the overly emphasis on the female need to cover in modesty her body in order to assist the male's need not to stumble, the male who could not resist his natural urges, thus it was the female's fault for his stumbling, purity culture equal rape culture!

Thus, during my time as a fundie-Christian and the years of deconstruction, I suffered with extreme body dysmorphia, hatred, and shame for any part of my physical that represented sexuality or seemed alluring.  Moreover,  carrying into my chosen path of fundie christianity days was the shame of not truly 'waiting', of giving it up before I 'said the sinner's prayer'.  Despite the pulpit's championing that being a 'born-again virgin' was good enough, it never truly was, I remained always 'damaged goods', more shame poured upon by an already controlling organization.  ("Get outta my uterus!" my current self screams to them on behalf of my younger self.)

Alongside this, there are the years previous to fundamentalist, then the years after, relationships that turned sexual, in one way or another, that left me lacking, to say the least.  The physical exoticness' of the event overall was enjoyable but the act itself at times left me empty, causing more of an increase of my love addiction brain to further desire the intimacy, the closeness, yet never to be received fully.  Sex, in all its dimensions, seems only transactional, two bodies, at least for me, coming together for the sole purpose of the physical, leaving me feeling addled.  

Furthermore, in an allosexual world, I have felt increasingly lonely in my lack of sexual desire, not feeling understood until finally finding my place upon the asexual spectrum.  Demi-Sapio-Sexual, baby, and proud!  But, this loneliness also extends to the emotional intimacy and romantic intention lacking in past sexual experiences, (not all, mind you, current or former partners who may be reading this), that which wounded either due to not fulfilling my dream being modeled to me on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210" and the like, or even the male partner's intention to just get down to brass tacks, with no sensuality whatsoever.  

Thus, all of this included with my first year of recovery from love addiction, leads me to the open decision to currently abstain for a season, not forever, such that I focus on the establishment of true, healthy intimacy with a romantic partner in the daily life as well as special events, while fully healing, becoming to understand and express my core values, my needs as well as red flags in a relationship of any sort, and laying down the boundary of self-respect overall.

I don't want to play this game no more 

I don't wanna play it 

I don't want to stay 'round here no more

 I don't wanna stay here Like rain on a Monday morning 

Like pain that just keeps on going on 

Look at all the hate they keep on showing 

I don't want to see that 

Look at all the stones they keep on throwing

 I don't want to feel that Like Sun that will keep on burning

 I used to be so discerning, 

oh In my recovery 

I’m a soldier at war 

I have broken down walls 

I defined

 I designed

 My recovery

James Arthur - Recovery (Lyrics)

Sobriety 4/25/23 #recovery #gettingsober

April 25th of the year 2023 was the day that my life changed forever.  For on that day, I walked into a 12 step group and admitted before others my addiction to love and desire to recover.

During the pandemic, fortunate enough to return to regular therapy, I dove deep into a variety of psychological self-help texts on everything from trauma, relationships, and codependency.  The latter was a term that never made much sense to me, hard to explain, and left me questioning its validity to my struggles.  I wasn't truly ready to admit my addiction until I came across a text describing further the struggle further with "love and relationship addiction".  As I read through the pages of the book, a light grew brighter and brighter within, I was coming home to the fullness of myself and the awakening was causing a stirring of healing.  

So, what is a 'love addict'?  What does it mean to be 'addicted to love' and not related to the song?  

Love addiction is characterized by obsession, compulsive behaviors, anxiety, and negative life consequences as a result of romantic interest. Love addiction is a form of dysfunctional love. Although it was first discussed in the 1970s, it has not been well studied.

https://www.verywellhealth.com/love-addiction-coping-strategies-5323147

The last 8 months have been the early days of my journey with sobriety, finally admitting to myself and another the depth of my addiction and how it permeated throughout my life, wreaking havoc on myself and those I valued.  Friendships lost forever, relationships damaged, as I continued to act out putting myself in a myriad of precarious position, from financial lack, to late nights of sleepless anxiety, running after my 'beloved drug' in the pouring rain with only my socks as he storms away rampaging, begging for him to return, to feel the warmth of his love enveloping me with security, all this and more for the quest of that 'high' of acceptance.  The truest desire for love unconditional never to be fulfilled.

However many times I found my heart broken, even the times I freed myself from a connection, and found my way back to stability of sorts, I never truly stopped to recognize these successes received, the pain overcome.  However many goals reached, projects fulfilled, walking the boards in a treasured role, however inwardly rewarding, was never enough to quell the desire to be loved, accepted, fully and completely without condition.  Always looking outward, although pretending not to be and afraid to ask, for validation never coming yet always seeking endlessly the quest.

In the early early days of my recovery, as far back as 2009, I would jokingly say that if I had an addiction, it would be 'relationship', as if only to discredit the reality of such a struggle.  On my way, I'd continue, flitting about lost in the fantasy of desperation from one unrequited, one undeserving, another emotionally unavailable, disregarding all the red flags for the love of the distraction, the fleeting moment of the 'high', quickly fading.  

Such a strange affliction to not find oneself addicted to a substance but something intangible.   Yet, the same parts of the brain that light up for the addict that consumes alcohol or another substance are those in fact when I find myself attracted and drawn to a new obsession, a new high, a new distraction.  Personally, the high of the attracted is the need to distract from the daily daily, sometimes dull, other times hard.  Other times, its a pattern of fleeing from one disaster of a toxic relationship to another in hopes that 'this time' it will be different, 'this time' it will work, 'this time' he's my soul-mate, my Disney movie prince, the Heathcliff to my Catherine.  Fleeing into yet another distraction was sometimes a tactic to flee from deeper intimacy and always seeing another as a high, a drug, and not another soul deserving of love themselves.

How does one recover from such an addiction?

To find oneself an addict of such in the culture abound with literature, movies, tv shows, plays, songs written over and over on that four letter word...Love.   And, for me, one who has always found solace within the variety of arts, writing, acting, singing, listening to songs that reflect the stories of my life, inspiring my own creative pursuits, how then do you heal, no more to be ensnared, by something that is, in fact, a natural human need when applied for healthily.  

Is it to commit 'emotional anorexia', to starve oneself completely of any such enjoyment that may lead to acting out?

This emotional starvation is just as equally unhealthy, a mask of healthy, when, in fact, another form of acting out instead of running towards, it's avoidance of love, hoping for self-preservation  yet never receiving sanity and still devoid.  

For me, recovery resembles that of any other affliction and addiction.  I choose to actively include myself in my 12 step group as well as individual therapy, consume vast amounts of self-help and psychological literature including workbooks on my own and in group, actively seek out healthy connections and activities to replace the negative entanglements.  Disentangling myself from my romantic addictions is not an easy feat, especially as I find myself now, with one that I truly care for yet know is not a healthy attachment for either of us.  Break-ups are, in fact, difficult for all, yet for the addict in me, the anguish rips open the depth of my pain making it truly hard to even take that initial step needed.  Constant questioning of how and why detract from the purpose of getting healthy knowing that this time replacing the negative entanglement with another will not be what's best leaving the cold, hard reality that within the deep pain is where I will find my serenity.

One step at a time, one breath at a time, one day at a time. 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

40 Questions For Self-Diagnosis

 

Know Your Body #health #wellness #recovery #healingjourney

 

Recently, I was given the new diagnosis of IBS, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, added to the three I already have.  First, acquiring the diagnosis of Bipolar in 2006, discarding depression and ADD mis-diagnosed in my teens, finally, in 2011, Celiac Disease, some years later, gratefully, CPTSD in 2019, and now, after years of still struggling with gut issues even after conquering the celia issue, IBS.  The journey of discovery when given these labels individually and then, collectively, has been one of a soul-searching struggle at times, then suddenly grateful relief.  

As I reflect upon the roads I have traveled until now, I find some ease as I commence a new path of understanding my body's needs to heal in this new beginning (IBS).  Yet, still at times, I tense within, feeling a sense of hopelessness, when faced with the all-consuming task of once again learning what's right, what's wrong for my body.  "What the hell can I eat? I have shrieked inwardly as I navigate the elimination diet in order to find the food sensitive triggers, while at times slogging through days of overwhelming fatigue as my body adjusts to the cleanse or lack of nutrients still not discovered. I must once again learn to rest and to be gentle with myself through the process, not judge or cry because I find myself once again at another 'step one'.  

Added to all of that, I'm aging, try as I might to freeze or build Tardises to control time, the sands in the hourglass are slipping by, marked by the changes upon my face, hair, body, and even within.  As the numbers attached to my years alive increase, my body and mind shift, altering what I once was capable, but with this, comes a new appreciation for the simplicity of life.  The desires I once sought for have faded, changed, and find renewal in the focus to thrive in peace within and without.

Thus, as I face these new journeys of recovery, the physical and emotional, I find comfort in the truth that life is an ever-unfolding discovery to knowing more fully myself, reaching ever towards an achievement once gained, only to reveal another layer to voyage in discovery.  Daunting as it may seem, it is inevitable, for the sole purpose of life is the journey towards finding one's soul.  

Self Care is Recovery & Recovery Ain't Easy

 

Across social media, one can see a plethora of posts and memes proclaiming the value of self care, most of these posts depict such as relaxation, hot bubble baths and warm tea, a good book, a long walk.  While I see the value in such activities for healing purposes, I must express the fullness of what self care is when aligned with its true purpose of assisting in the process of recovery.  A friend, who is in the throes of overcoming a substance addiction, posts pictures of themselves smelling flowers, serene backgrounds, inspiring quotes, and I can only hope that behind the façade of the happy self care social media exterior, intense, emotional hard work is active.   

True recovery begins with admittance, that of, recognizing for yourself and others that there is something that needs to be altered within.  After that initial step, begins the often slow, arduous process of figuring out how to overcome the weaknesses, negative coping strategies that were used to appease the pain, work through the issues and trauma that caused, which avenues to do such are varied but often are discovered through intense one on one therapy, group therapy, and, for some, 12 step groups.  As one who has battled and overcome symptoms of mental illness since 2006, I have tried with much success all three as well as other means.  

While involved with these forms of therapy, I dove deeper and deeper into all realms of myself within and truly came face to face with myself, warts and all, as the onion of self discovery peeled further and further layers away.  I had to face my own inner ugliness and recognize with transparency and honesty how that hurt myself and others.  In recognizing such, I had to acknowledge aloud to another, admitting such was a process akin to 'coming out', no longer could I hide in the darkness of my own soul, however by doing so, I found a release that brought me into the fullness of my light, true understanding of self, true peace within.  Actively, I took steps to make amends with others and continue such, yet in so doing, I have learned that making amends is for no one but myself and the one I have wronged has agency and authority to decide how to accept.  Even now, after 17 years of recovery, I am learning that making amends does not mean that the relationship is restored and if so is not for me to decide. Thus, making amends is a process of letting go and acceptance.  

The truth is, recovery is hard work with much effort.  There are times of success, moments of a mountain peak, and the lower, painful times when the struggle seems all too difficult.  One step forward, two steps back is often expressed by those recovering (Recovery is not done in isolation, I must add).  Whatever the season of recovery, whether high or low, self care is only an aspect of such, meant to soothe and restore, not a means to heal alone.  Yes, hopefully, underneath glossy exterior of the social media posts and memes proclaiming the value of self care, lies the inner daily battle of looking within, understanding, releasing, accepting, then, finally, being able to move forward.  Yet, I do not want to discourage one towards recovery, for the process however difficult at times, is worth the climb, for the sunlight of peaceful wholeness emerges, after the inner storm within is calmed. 

In my recovery

 I’m a soldier at war 

 have broken down walls

 I defined 

I designed

 My recovery

James Arthur - Recovery (Lyrics)

2013 Then, 2023 Now: How I Went From Survivor To Thriver #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticviolence #recovery #codependency

 

In scriptwriting, be it for stage or screen, there is a moment wherein the story bursts forth, the drama continuing to deepen, grow, build until the rush of the climax, resulting in the resolution of the denouement.  This moment is referred to as the "inciting incident". 

 In my life looking back, I can visualize my own 'monumental inciting incident', wherein from that moment forth all sense of who I am and how I orchestrated within my life changed.  The day itself, February 24, 2013, an Oscar awards Sunday, yet I was not watching for I was giving the Oscar award winning performance of mine own on my front porch, tearfully with the pain repressed from over two years of an embittered battleground of a marriage involving a domestic abusive partner, I released all anguish, watching as what I once believed to be my first and truest love descend backwards and outwards of my life.  

For my personal 'inciting incident', I knew of it not at the time, but rather knew only that I was finished, could no longer willingly receive the crazy-making, toxic abuse from my wedded partner in my own home, in my own heart, his torrent of abuse and psychotic lies pouring over me seemingly without provocation.  No, on that Sunday in 2013, all I wanted was a relief, to breathe, to sigh, to sleep without fear...and so I did what I never imagined myself possible: I kicked my first love out the door of my life, my heart, and lived to tell the story.

Looking back now, I can see what I was unable to see then, the amount of steadfast and supportive love from new friends and faithful old who came around me in large and small ways.  A neighbor holding me whilst I sobbed out tears, saliva, snot, a mess of all the build up from two years of trauma and torture, a friend sacrificing her Oscar viewing to listen and encourage, an old friend who I thought hated me on the phone encouraging me with kindness, emails pouring in from others.  Then, in the days and weeks unfolding, an adventure of both high and low, laughter and sobbing would unfold.  New room-mates would take over the apartment with me, whose presence in my life was filled with late night chats, living room dance sessions, laughing until all hours of the night, and encouragement of warmth when I sobbed, a kind hand on my shoulder when I awoke from a night terror, a leftover shred from the nightmare.

But, that moment of breaking free from my abusive ex-husband was larger than what it seemed at the time.  In the weeks and months that followed, I began to see the other connections of which I had once held important and yet were at best toxic, at worst abusive.  It was then in those early days after the dramatic monologue on Oscar Sunday 2013, that I began the painful process of deconstructing from the teachings of Christianity, fully seeing this fundamentalist worldview for what it was, what it became, and seeing that the practices they preached which would save were more barriers towards my freedom and fully knowing myself.  Thus, I began the slow process of exploring, questioning, dipping my toe into conversation with "I was part of a cult", and finally finding connection with other like-minded souls who listened, who shared, and through our shared journeys laughing, we held each other finding shared healing. Sunday mornings were no longer a duty to be served, the Bible no longer the commanding truth, I no longer felt convicted for exploring my own wants or needs, and no longer labeling myself a "Jesus Freak" was not a death toll for my soul's march towards perdition.  Today, I can cherish as a part of my personal soul journey, lovingly gifting those I traveled with the gift of gratitude.

The years tumbled forth and I continuously began the process of finding my voice, on stage, on screen, and in real life, increasingly I found love from a variety of faces, from those who had witnessed my great, big monologue, from those whose presence in my life was before, and new ones who joined alongside, all becoming a beacon of my coming more fully into myself, my power, my self love.  

The truth I realize now is that it has been love that has sustained me throughout my life, even in the darkest of times, through times I could not see, that love was ever available.  If for a season, it came from outward, those faithful who have walked with me, seen me at my darkest when I seemed unworthy, their belief in me and my worthiness of love never ceased.  They saw me when I could not.  

It was the greatness of love throughout all of my life that kept me persevering, kept me alive, gave me strength upon strength to overcome abuse, whether it be a toxic partner, a world-view, a friend, that love was great enough to sustain, to uplift, patient to wait.  

Now, here I find myself, ten years later, feeling younger than I was previous, for I feel lighter and I find within myself that love, not only from an external source, but bubbling up from within.  

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over the Rainbow (with lyrics)

Sinners Every One Of Us #confession #spirituality

 

Few things accelerate the peace process 

as much as humbly admitting our own 

wrongdoing and asking forgiveness. 

- Lee Strobel

In the days after my leaving the church, as I stumbled through the painful path of deconstruction, I came upon the Hindu text, Srimad Bhagavatam, and read it throughout the year of 2016, some six years after my last Sunday morning church service.  What I found began to soften the wound from the church's failings and afflictions, widened my appreciation for the spiritual paths of others, and quickened the path toward healing.  For I discovered was that there more similarities rather than differences between the Hindu text and the Christian Bible as the phrasing of scriptures found in both seemed to reflect universal truths of a eternal connection with the divine.  This realization began the process of forgiveness for the hurts left over from my fundie connections and the healing commenced.  My belief suddenly revealed itself to be, if these texts reflected these similarities and other spiritual practices were alike, then perhaps the solution to my deconstruction is to reconstruct, now viewing that since many of all walks of life, religion, nationalities throughout all of time have sought something beyond understanding, there must then be universal truth.  Finally, all paths do, in fact, lead to God.

Recently, I was discussing with a co-worker about one of the ways that therapy has helped in my life  by giving me the desire to be radically and authentically honest.  She and I discussed how most of the general public do not practice this in their day to day life and instead choose to dwell within the stories created in their mind fraught with pain easily released if one should admit and ask for clarification.  However, this is easier said than done, and as my colleague pointed out, most find false protection in the barrier caused by the stories of their mind and once beaten down will leave to the afeard vulnerability.  However, scary this brokenness may seem from afar, once acquired the pieces lost lend themselves toward true freedom and peace.

This discussion led me back to pondering the similarities in spiritual beliefs and how they also relate to therapeutic method.  The practice of 'confession' sprang up to my mind as I began to seek out the many ways that religions and beliefs encouraged this.  Although there are many differences in how to confess, nevertheless, many of the world spiritual texts, such as the Bible, the Torah, and The Quran, have verses on the importance of confessing one's sins and shortcomings.  For instance, some religions, such as Catholicism believe that confession must be done in the presence of a priest, while others believe none are needed to intercede between God and self, both self alone.  Furthermore, although the Christian faith teaches that confessing sins allows for God's forgiveness, the Jewish belief is not of hell or purgatory but see the act of confession as one of cleansing and purification.  Within Islam, there are two forms of sinning, one against God and one against the religion, with the latter needing reconcialition and retribution to follow after the initial act of confession.  

The thesaurus of Merriam Webster shares that a synonym for confession is admission:

       confession:as in admission
            an open declaration of something (as a fault or the commission of an offense) about oneself
    a confession that he had been lying all along

So, if admission is akin to confession, then the act of therapy can align itself with spiritual practice in that one shares their struggles with a third, non-bias party, such as a counselor or social worker.  It is important in this regard that mental illness or struggles are not equated with the notion of sin, however, the therapeutic process of sharing is similar in relief to one's confession  within spirituality. 

Upon this revelation, I return to my earlier resolution that if all spiritual practices share similarities, adding now the process of recovery through the variety of therapy, finally there is universal truth in something beyond which aligns in unity the vast differences of those everywhere seeking for the freedom and peace found within confession. 

Confession is verbal humiliation.

- Richard Sibbes

Where To Find Me

When the lie is deeper than I know

You capture me and You carry me home

You see these wounds and rescue me

You always heal things beautifully

And I close my eyes

And You can still my heart

And I call out Your name…

‘Cause You always know

You always know where to find me…

You always know

You always know where to find me…

Links & Articles Used As Research In This Entry:

confession noun

24 Quotes About Confession

Confession: Is Dr. Freud at War with Religious Beliefs?

Confession (religion)

Confession In Religion

Confession varies among world's major religions

Reframing

Cognitive re-framing is a psychological technique that consists of identifying and then changing the way situations, experiences, events, ideas, and/or emotions are viewed. Cognitive re-framing is the process by which such situations or thoughts are challenged and then changed.

For most of my life, I have experienced crippling depression and anxiety that has founded and enhanced my belief in my unworthiness and doubt of my deserving of love and quality relationships.  This has caused me to not only continually seek out and sustain abuse and toxic relationships, both romantic and otherwise, as well as find other ways to sabotage my own pathway to success in achieving my dreams.

In short, my lack of confidence debilitated my journey to achieve and receive success, healthy relationships, and a quality life-style.

For the many years that I have been in and out of therapy, I have learned a catchphrase that has helped bring me out of the pit of depression, at certain times, this being "change the scene".  When I find myself in a pit of despair, the idea behind "change the scene" is to rise up and move away from whatever you are doing.  This works momentarily to help not fall down the rabbit hole of doom spiraling into one's personal pit of hell.  This technique has helped bring me out of the slump, but it has done more than that on the long term.

For getting me out of the spiraling downward darkness of my own hell helps me to find peace in order to truly seek out the root causes behind the depression and anxiety.  What I discovered then, through years of soul-searching and the journey towards mental wellness, is my unwavering belief in my unworthiness.   However, knowing the root causes and using "change the scene" was only the beginning.  In moments of hig stress, I still find myself spiraling to the lowest forms of depression, even contemplating ending my life, but with the support of much love from quality friendships, I have slowly been able to overcome.  Continuing this thread, I have sustained this belief by my usage of words and thoughts.  

Thus, brings me to the title of this blog, 're-framing' and as the definition above states:  Cognitive re-framing is the process by which such situations or thoughts are challenged and then changed.  

Last year was seemingly a hard year yet it was a growing year of expanding my spiritual and emotional awareness.  Without a stable income, I found myself with the continual ache in my stomach.  What I have discovered is, when one arena of the soul is in imbalance, the rest of the soul suffers.  As I began working and regaining my footing financially, the rest of my soul began to find balance.  

Instead of saying to myself, "I'm so broke so I cannot pay the cost to re-up the website for my business" and finding myself following down into the fears of lack and concerns of disapproval, I re-framed the thought by finding a new web-site company that would charge considerably less and began to say to myself, then to others, "I am re-branding the website".  That is merely one example and one of the first that changed my thinking to move me beyond the feelings of doubting my abilities and my self worth.

I also began realizing that significant relationships in my life were abusive, toxic, even those who were seemingly helping me in my business were, in fact, takers, those who were along for the ride for their own gain, who would use me, discredit me, manipulate me for their own career boost, then play the victim if I defended or stood up for myself.  Once and for all, I stood up for myself by removing myself from their friendship altogether.  I still struggle with trust issues when it comes to relationships but I am increasingly making active choices to engage with healthy individuals who are themselves also on the path to wellness, some who have even struggled with abuse and other similar issues of insecurity.  We are in the path to recovery together, helping each other, building each other up, side by side, not tearing down for our own benefit.

This re-framing has allowed me to look back on my past accomplishments, both in my career and my personal life, and find pride in the achieving.  The end results may not have been perfect, I may not have always gotten it right, but I completed the project, I learned, I grew, I overcame.  In the past, I viewed these accomplishments with shame, allowing the haters, the abusers, the jealous, the takers, to silence my voice as they sought to belittle and overpower.  

However, along the way I found people whose support remains unwavering, who have proved their friendship to be true, while those that did not have slipped along the wayside.  Increasingly, as I step into my own worth, I find such positive relationships flowing towards me.  As the quote on the top of the blog states, 

"What you visualize becomes your reality".  

Begin today, my friend, the journey to re-frame your thinking.  It's a slow process, yes, so start with one aspect of your day.  It can be a minute daily struggle that you turn to a lesson or it can be the larger aspect of turning away from a toxic relationship, despite the heartbreak, knowing that it's more painful to remain than withdraw.  Just take that one baby step each day to re-frame and change your thinking, with that empowerment of your soul will emerge and sustain.  

Anything that is worthwhile doesn't come easy. ---Lia Rose Dugal

Have thoughts on what you just read? Comment below.  I do my best to reply.

A Thriving Artist blog is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Don't Recover In Isolation

This past year I have had an abundant chance to sit back and ponder myself, to once again dig deep into the depths of my psyche, and uproot some toxic elements in my life internally and then externally.

Over the course of this last week, I have been down for the count with what I thought was the end all be all of flus, but rather turned out to be a really bad head and chest cold.  But, why judge and label a physical illness? I was sick, I took to my bed, and slept day in and day out. I stepped back from the outside world to fall deep into the covers and allow my body to shake, shake, shake in the fits of fever until the germs infecting my body were eliminated.  And, eliminate they did, through my sweat glances, my nasal passages, even going to the bathroom and expelling #2.  (I gifted you just then with a lovely image for your day to ruminate on, don't say I never gave you anything, okay?)

So, I texted my various clients I work for, mostly dog walking, with the words, "I have the flu, I'm dying", minus the latter, and they waived me off with "Get better, see you next week".  It was that simple.

But, for some reason, a person stepping back from the world to dig deep into the inner sanctum of their mind, to find healing and refreshment for the soul, is looked down upon as weak.  We victimize the mental illness component because it is invisible and thus scary.  This reinforces that delightful little social construct called "stigma".  Stigma, the word, that forces us all back into the darkness, to hide, and even worse, to buck up and keep moving forward.  But, we can't do that.  Because one way or another that pain will find itself outwards and we will need to retreat, rest, recuperate.

And, we should NOT feel less of a person because of this.  Or be MADE to feel less of a person or devalued because of this.  Know yourself enough to value yourself, do what's right for yourself, because when you do, you truly do what is right for the world.

So, this year I have had the chance to retreat while doing my daily activities that bring in the dough or some how cultivate my livelihood. I have not run the rat race or been the busybody of times past or allowed myself to dive too deep into the madness of the social life.  In that, I have found a sense of peace in the midst of life's storms and in that peace a steady calm emerges that leads me to accomplish what I need and want to achieve.  That's right.  Its truly a 'slow and steady' wins the race.  Taking the time each day, each moment, of the year to focus both in small ways and large ways on your own mental and emotional health brings a degree of calm that helps to elongate the productivity of the physical.  Moreover, there is an inward joy that is present regardless of the outward accomplishments and circumstances.  Meanwhile, if I don't get it all done, I still am content with what I did finish for the day and am inwardly motivated to continue thus forward.

I honestly feel that if we want to make the world a better place, the first place to start is not without in angry violent attempts to enforce the values we see as right, but by inwardly cleansing to the very center of our soul.  This is truly not a popular choice to make and one that takes a bit of time and sacrifice.  For my part, I have taken the time to be by myself. I have read up to twenty books this year, truly read, not for the number count but to digest and let the words cleanse.  These books contain three genre at a time, that's right, I'm a book nerd, what of it? The genres include a variety of spiritual (whatever I am led to), a business-related book which can be either some form of acting related theme or something to do with my business, marketing, producing, and a fun book.  In addition to this, I have tried my darnedest to journal daily, I've taken up yoga, and am slowly attempting to teach my guitar.  Lastly, I have adapted my eating habits to the ketogenic diet and not just as a fad.  I have read up to three books on this lifestyle choice and am working through a fourth.  I have started another blog to reflect these findings and this journey.  Check it out: http://my-keto-me.com (Become a follower, you know you want too!)

In all of this, I have learned that the most important take-away in whatever variety of health-seeking activities is the component of removing the toxic element.  Through the discovery of some toxic relationships and connections this year, I have discovered that not only can I stand up for myself, say no with graceful empowerment, but I can survive the anguish of grieving the loss of friendship and the abuse thrown at me.  I can persevere and continue forward with my goals and ambitions for my life.  Does this removal process get easier? In a sense, yes.  I have learned that when the toxicity of individuals is cast my way, it generally has little to do with me.  And, so like the school yard chant, the 'words do not stick to me', I'm rubber, they're glue, so to speak.

There is grieving and healing needed, a time of inward reflection to find the grace to continue and grow in further awareness of self.  But, I have learned and continue to learn that I cannot allow myself to be held back by the abuses of others' insults, jealousies, methods of control.  I spent too much of my past being tied down and silenced by that.  More so, it is the realization that I am on the right path when the arrows fly towards me in envious attempts to wound me.

Comes The Dawn

So, I persevere both my ambitions and my mental health needs.  And, an amazing discovery happens.  When I make the active choice to rid myself of toxicity, the positive rushes in with abundance, both for my personal health and in my relationships.  More and more when I move away from the toxic interpersonal element in whatever variety it presents itself, I find myself inwardly growing stronger, more present and aware of myself, and am thus surrounded by the light of positive love around me.

Thus we come to the title of this blog, "Don't Recover In Isolation" for which I am much thankful.  Yes, there is a component to recovery that can only be found with self but in that time of self-care there is to be found like-minded individuals who can facilitate the growth.  This is why AA groups and such are beneficial.  I have come into contact with a variety of different such groups in my recovery walk and in this year specifically.  I was reunited with my NAMI family, but this time new faces same organization and I am utterly grateful for their presence.  Within these relationships, I find the joy of truly being honest with myself, my weaknesses, and my needs which brings freedom and joy.  Over the last few years and even more this year, I have come into close contact with a social media collection of souls through our mutual love of the podcast, "Drunk Ex-Pastors" and through such interaction I have found further healing from the past church abuse.  To be honest, I do not think that I would have as much peace with that whole business if it were not for that group.  And, by having the strength to eliminate the toxic element in my own business and personal life, I have found like-minded friends, both new and old, that have come alongside to help me achieve my ambitions, goals, and wildest dreams.

Pretty nifty, huh? So then, invest in the time for your own mental health as you would your physical, and moreover, don't recover in isolation.