The View From 42

"Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything"

As the years come and go, and age creeps itself up, I ponder each year, the meaning of not just life, the universe, and everything, but in fact this whole age thing and what my role is in this life here bestowed to me on earth.  

One thing for sure is pause to think about what is age actually.  A few years back as I was winding my way through the not so flirty thirties, it dawned on me that I wasn't the "it" age any longer.  You know, the age that the media markets itself to in order to earn its buck.  This was surprising because in my youthful roaring twenties I never gave much thought but all of sudden when I wasn't the "target majority", I was like, "Hey, hold it right there, I'm still relevant, buster!"

All kidding aside.  Relevancy within the constructs of society is not an achievement, although my approval hungry low self esteem would warrant it, I am increasingly learning to be at home with myself.  And, that is the place I find myself in today, the day after my 42nd birthday.  Here I am, in the middle of my life, perhaps, with friends who have years I have yet to reach and friends behind whose time on this planet I have surpassed.   Perhaps I am not really in middle age, but with the aforementioned reasoning, it feels a little bit like that.  My friends with more life experience call me young, the ones with less shudder to use the O-word.  I smile graciously at both.  Age is increasingly becoming a mere number, life is more and more about the wisdom I am receiving and the overall health of mind I am daily coming upon.  

Basically, I feel the healthiest and best I have ever felt in my life, in fact, I feel the youngest.  It's this feeling of more and more comfortable and at home with myself, that causes this inner peace to vibrate outwards.  The journey still continues, I still have yet a lot of healing and growth to come as my journal entries reflect, but this thought does not dismay me, because I have a sense of profound calm in the journey, that despite the highs and lows of self-discovery, I shall prevail and arise stronger.

My goals for a better life will be attained, if I take each day as it comes.  Yet, I am learning to enjoy the moment I have now, falling in love with who I am today, instead of waiting for some far off perfection that may never arrive itself.   Because our hopes and dreams have a way of shifting as we follow the path, becoming better than we ever imagined.  I always dreamed of becoming a famous movie star, instead I am doing more than just working as an actor but pursuing the calling of the role of film producer and learning all that it means to run a successful business (from the ground up, baby.)

Increasingly more in my life, I desire balance and calm stability in my life.  Even in moments of exhilaration, like the fun of rehearsals, being on a late night set filming a movie, opening night of a play, I want the steady focus that comes from self care.  As a woman with bipolar, falling into the madness of mania may have its appeal in the moment but afterwards leaves me with an element of shame.  I want, in the end, to maintain the steadiness of both feet planted firmly on the earth, steps focused, heel to toe, touching the ground as I move along my path.  For it is in that place that I find my most creative expression guaranteed and satisfied, not in the place of exhilarating mania where I awaken with the embarrassment of uncertainty, causing my self esteem to spiral back downwards.   

So, I follow my routines daily, sometimes they alter in some ways based on the goals I need to accomplish in that day, but others are fixed, like my daily reading and journaling, my exercise and yoga practices, practicing my healthy ketogenic diet, and ensuring that I acquire the sufficient 8 hours of sleep needed to maintain that desired stability.  

And, in this path, I am viewing the idea of success from a different lens, not merely that of popularity and wealth (although having the upward climb of financial security gives a certain calm), but of an overall spiritual and/or emotional state of being.  The art of creating for me, whether it be acting, writing, working on and editing a web-series project, putting together a vision board collage, or even painting rocks (the list could go on, I know) is not merely for the increase of financial gain and the upward rising of my business but an uplift to my soul and, I hope, for those that partake.  More and more, I no longer worry about the quantity, the numbers that are viewing, but focus more on the quality, does this creative outlet inspire me, make me smile, laugh, and feel more at one with myself? If so, then true success has been reached and outwards it goes to those others that will find it inspiring, making them smile, laugh, and feel more at one with themselves.  A worthy goal for all, I believe and one that is a life-long achievement.

As my dear friend, Corinne, once told me in my youthfully naive twenties, "recovery is life-long".  And, its true.  We rise from ashes to ashes, as it were, phoenixes ever being improved and transformed.  With one release of a struggle, we are healed and able to climb another mountain, to heal another wound, to forgive, and become more of who we were meant to be.  

At times, I look back with shame at the choices of my life, even as soon as 2019, and want to hang my head.  However, if I hadn't made those errors, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am discovering that there are no failures in life, but lessons to help us to grow and deepen our connection with self and source (Divine, God, Goddess, Universe, choose your title).  

Life has an interesting way of taking us seemingly backwards and thus at times this seems to be a way to teach us the most essential lesson needed in that particular instance.  I found myself once more with the above actress, Shannen Doherty, in the foreground of my mind and viewing.  I believe pop culture has its place within the realm of our spiritual and emotional healing.  That said, way, way back in the far off nineties, Shannen was the star of "Beverly Hills, 90210", and she was my role model, of sorts, I deeply admired and loved her.  On the other hand, there were those that held hatred in their hearts in as much degree as I loved.  I find that interesting that there are individuals whatever the career or degree that cause that intense of emotions, whether positive or negative, and I feel its a facet to not just admire, but ponder.  For whatever reason, Shannen is one of those individuals that has been equally loved and hated at an intense level.  A goddess I call her, but whatever she be or not, she has proven herself to be strong, able to persevere, and stay true to herself.  This is the true reason I admired her then, although as an awkward teen struggling to figure out how to fit in and define myself, I would not have described it that way.  "She's so pretty," I would say, but inwardly I admired the confidence.  

Yes, she was and is brave.  She maintained working as an actress after being fired from two popular tv shows for alleged bad behavior, being slandered with the 'bitch' title during the shaky women's rights of the nineties, and then more recently fought the battle of breast cancer (and basically won.)  So, it was with excitement and gratitude that I saw her return to her roots on last summer's reboot, BH90210, and as I was pleased with the version of herself she played (and basically only watched for her), I was more impressed with her red carpet and publicity shots.  From the girl who used to dash about in such outfits as the above photo displays, along came Shannen in cute slacks, a fitted t-shirt, a leather jacket, and flat soled shoes, or some variety of sorts similar to that.  While the other actresses, Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, smiled in front of the camera in their cute dresses and heels, Shannen strutted herself proudly, without any awkward worry about how she looked, laughing with her friends.  And, even though she wore these clothes, she looked beautiful, classy, and, dare I say, even sexy.  But, she wasn't trying...that's big here....she wasn't trying.  That's what impressed me the most.  The most sexiest and appealing thing about her today is that she is and isn't afraid to show it.  

So, thus in recent months, I have been following her lead.  It's funny to me that at 42 and her 49 I am still taking dress advice (or now rather life advice) but as I said before, she's special.  From what I see of her through her social media posts and interviews, she is teaching me more than who to date and what to wear as she once did, but more about how to be at peace with yourself, which battles to fight and which ones to let go, and how to live (and die, yes, I'll say it, she has terminal cancer) with grace.  

Which is basically the view I see it now from 42, the meaning of life for me is more about me and in that I feel an authentic love for those that come along my path.  I desire to help them find, love, and appreciate themselves as I seek mine.

When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange

"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6YnizK2LZs

Got something to say? Comment below.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company with the intent to raise awareness through quality entertainment meant to enlighten, uplift, heal, and inspire.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Blaming Won't Help Anything!

I have found that it is increasingly true that our thoughts control our reality.  What I mean by that is that our thoughts form our emotions and perceptions.  This, then, shapes how we orient in the world.  This allows our actions and reactions based on circumstances to determine the path we take to attain or not our goals.  It is true then that if we examine our thinking and work to effect the inward change, our perception of life will benefit, our focus and outlook will shift our overall journey and the degree of satisfaction we find therein.

I witness a lot of my friends, on social media and other ways, complaining about their lots in life, whether on a personal or global level.  The need to blame others is universally accepted and seems to be the norm.  But while it feels like we find connection through our mutual victim mentality, we actually become increasingly alienated.  Although we all fall into the pattern of blaming and claiming victim-hood, no one really wants to listen to another's victim story on repeat.  Perhaps this is because we each do not want to spend the time self-examining ourselves in order to impact change, thus seeing another's inner repetitive struggle only puts the mirror up to our own weaknesses.  That may be part of it, but that's a theme for another time.  

Today I want to focus on the reality that blaming others puts us in the endless cycle of victim-hood.  This victim mentality becomes as a drug that deepens our weakness and our ability to change for the better.  However, like any drug, we can overcome.

However, overcoming and relieving ourselves from the dependency on this drug takes a lot of inner work to change the dependency and habit.  I know, because I am personally on that path and have been doing so hardcore since the start of 2020, and somewhat before.  For this reason, the quarantine is a beneficial time for me to slow down with the minimal distractions that allow me to stagnate and truly examine myself, the warts and all, rather the sides of myself I don't like, and allow myself to truly heal and recover.  

It takes work, a lot of work, daily, even minutely, to change the tape recorder in my head.  The one of complaining, blaming, the voices in my head that plays on repeat  trains of thought that lead me in the downward spiral towards depression and despondency.  

I have spent a good deal of time this year, especially within the last forty days or so of COVID-19, digging deep into a wide assortment of spiritual and self-help style books, podcasts, as well as journaling and phone calls with my new therapist.  What I am learning is that it takes active work in order to re-wire the thought processes that can be train wrecks of the mind and soul.  

But, thus I persevere.  Or as Elizabeth Warren, so do I: Nevertheless, she persisted.  Because it does take a lot of work and a lot of energy...no wonder I am so drained and exhausted by the end of the day and why even in this time of social distancing and slowing down, I still feel as if I have a lot to do...its not the physical labor of working for a living or living to work, but rather the mental re-programming necessary for truly beginning to thrive inwardly, then outwardly.

The steps thus far I have taken may seem slight but I have noticed vast improvement in my overall demeanor, mood, and outlook.  From the active choice of eliminating the toxic element, such as stepping back from intense interaction from abusive relationships or over-indulgence in certain life-style behaviors, has helped with the overall improvement of re-framing my thinking.  As well as the variety of self-help, spiritual texts and the like, I have been able to see that the world and all the inhabitants therein are not truly out to get me.  This is true, for all of us, if even in the dark times it may feel true, it really isn't.  

By making the choices I have made thus far, my perspective on circumstances, events, and relationships, both positive and negative, have shifted closer to the positive.  What if those that seem to knock me down was really a decision on a soul level, basically the cause is not to destroy but to uplift and overcome our weaknesses, our pain?  Have you ever noticed how you seem to come across the same types of struggles, even if it appears in the face of different individuals or circumstances? I have, for myself.  There is a reason for that, I have found, in that if I choose to blame or suffer in the victim mentality, the struggle will continue and repeat itself in a different variety until....until I surrender, learn from the issue, change my perception, and release.  

I'm not trying to be holier than thou, but I am truly showing tried and true methods that I have used and am using to change my thinking and thus my world.  My focus on my career, my personal relationships, and myself is shifting continuously towards the positive.  And, yes, I still struggle, I still fall down into the wallowing pits of despair, but I can see now that it is becoming far easier and easier to shift the perspective even in those darker moments.  

In short, my life is far better and is increasingly getting even more so because of this daily self work.  Life is a choice, whether to blame and maintain the victim-hood or to shift into a positive higher vibration.  The choice is yours, my friend, and I help you do so wisely.  

Whatever you choose, know that the connection I hold with you, is a gift to myself that has and is shaping my inner growth and healing.  Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAEncw-H5Q

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

Like what you read? Comment below. Disagree? Comment below.  I respond to every comment.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions,Inc a film and media company with the focus of bringing positive social change.  To support us, head over to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

I'm not networking anymore!

Yesterday I had a post traumatic stress break, like an anxiety attack but so much worse. 

I know that I have mentioned before somewhat about my abusive past, but always with certain limitations.  In truth, I haven't really dealt with the inner issues and fall-out since I left my abusive ex-husband in 2013, and slowly realized the extent of all the abusive types I had allowed into my life since childhood, from friends, spiritual teachers, and boyfriends alike.  I imagined that if I forgave the abuser, not forgotten, that I had learned my lesson and could truly move forward.  But, there is a difference between moving forward and being healed.  Because moving forward can become akin to busyness, to forget, nullify, and distract. 

It has come to my attention these last several months that I have not truly overcome my post traumatic issues and, in fact, have learned that I am one that buries deep my feelings to run from, distract, avoid and can seem aloof to others.  Although I am indeed a deeply compassionate person with a ton of emotions right at the surface, my past traumatic experiences have taught me that it is not safe to reveal and have throughout a plethora of relationship styles (friend, lover, etc) lost my security in trusting.

So, due to my not having the insurance coverage, I was unable to see a therapist after leaving my abusive ex-husband.  I mean, I did have ways to cope and could have attended free support groups with other victims, beyond that of social media ones, but I did not.  It is true that I spent a good chunk of my younger days, twenty-six to thirty, in a myriad of therapy options so I had a good understanding of how to cope and care for myself.  So, with all that said, I imagined that I was doing quite well, in spite of it all.  

But, at the end of the day, I never truly grew, healed, or truly released myself from the past traumatic events.  I have lived as if the world around me and those I came into contact were still a constant threat.  I mean, yes there were certain element of healing through forgiving my past bullies but I never truly understood the extent the purpose of why I experienced all the abuse from so many different formats, why I chose to allow those individuals to hurt me the way they did or even why they chose to victimize me.  But, I'm starting to see clearly the answers therein.

Truth be told, because of this, I was and still can be quite reactive and defensive in the face of presumed threats to my security, both physically and emotionally.   Others that have not experienced the layers of abuse that I have experienced may have found this confusing, this over-reactions I have had at times.  For my part, I was constantly under the delusion that I was being taken advantage of and that ultimately I was not loved.

Although there have been some healing throughout the last several years, it wasn't until last December that the scales of hiding fell away from my eyes and I began to clearly see myself.   That was when I finally did a psychiatric intake for mental health counseling that I realized I still needed to work on my trauma issues. 

In reality, I used my abusive past as a crutch to hide, to run away from relationships, from getting to close to my friends.  I expected those that cared for me to hurt me so I made it so they did.  I never fully explained my reasoning, from the outside I can look fully sufficient, competent, and dare I say, happy.  For the most part, I am.  Through therapy, I have realized that it's not healthy to put up barriers and avoid certain places and people that I deem unsafe and threatening.  You mean, I could someday attend these places without feeling like I need to have an escape route at all times. 

This is still a novel concept as I have been living with the way of super-protective boundaries for almost a decade, if not longer, now.  And, its a daily norm for me that I run through the voices of my abusers' lies and tactics to destroy and keep me submissive. And sometimes try to talk back, defensive now when I couldn't speak up then as the victim.

This is all to say that my look at socializing or being with people has been altered. (And not just in the light of COVID-19 and all that implies either.)  When we do get around to opening our world again, my take on all that has transformed, evolved, if you will.

Yes, it is true that with the onset of starting my production company and still having to work several part-time survival gigs, and with balancing all of that, it gives me little time to unwind and relax.  I am a self professed, proud introvert, always have been and always will be.  I love more than anything being by myself and as I continually heal, I find more and more comfort being with me. 

Yes, I have to stay busy, I have to be productive or my life isn't worth anything, is a constant thread running through my mind.  I often have trouble watching a TV show or movie, because I feel guilty even doing that, relaxing by myself, at times.  

Also, due to the bullies of my past, I find myself feeling guilty if I decline to participate in their invites. Its not a personal attack or an insult to them, but more to myself, when I decline or not show up.   I recognize that it may appear that way but its due to my own feeling of not being safe that leaves me wanting to stay home.  But, because I believe that getting healthy requires me to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, I will not be afraid to set my boundaries and to say no when I cannot attend.  However, I will do my best to attend those I can and show support of my friends and colleagues. 

But, I must dig even deeper in my personal revelations here, showing why "I'm not networking anymore" as the title states.  Truth be told, when I wrote the first draft of this article, the following paragraphs were very accusatory, possibly insulting.  I stepped away from the computer, went on a walk, and realized that wasn't my intention.  As I grow healthier in my journey, I realize that the majority of the folks I come across are not narcissistic abusive types and in fact have their own pain that causes reactive outbursts and misunderstandings.  My intention in writing this is not to wound but to be authentic.  As I begin to release those toxic individuals who have abused me, even more so I must release those that do not willingly want to cause me harm.  And, thus I do.  We are all on the journey towards our own wholeness, a path that is truly singular to ourselves. At times, we may cross paths and help each other in a variety of ways.  Some may be a friend, others foe but regardless we learn and grow more fully into who we truly are.

That said, though, when I choose to accept an event from a friend, to a play, a party, or what have you, it will no longer be to play the game political of "quid pro quo, you scratch mine, I scratch yours, tit for tat", that is so insidious and present in the theater and film world.  I personally see that as inauthentic and detrimental to myself as a friend and artist.  I choose to attend to show my love and support of my friend, not for any gain of myself.  Because if I attend, it is with many an hour of fretting, concern for my emotional safety, planning my eventual release (ie, how long will I stay, etc), before I ever set foot in the door.  And, that said, if a person chooses not to attend an event of mine, I will not take it personal, nor shun them from my life or future events.  

No, I don't play those games and nor will I be bought. And, neither, dear ones, do you have to be bought by me.  My love remains, whether we remain side by side or our paths diverge, my love remains.  Circumstances change, life pushes us forward, but my love stays with you.  I am learning to expect no less for myself.

Furthermore, I am realizing that the power of forgiveness extends only so far.  Yes, I can forgive all that have wronged me, but I do not have to accept back into my life those that continue to inflict.  The most important key factor here is, I have a choice and so do you.  If your choice requires you to depart from me, my love remains as I have said and travels with you.  I see now that it is my decision to pursue the positive rather than dwell on the negative, thus by doing so the positive becomes abundant.  No, I do not want to exclude any dissension in my surroundings, but do expect complete honesty and, if needed, constructive criticism from my loved ones, still I choose that element that uplifts rather than tries to destroy.

Lastly, I do not seek an abundance of praise for my creative pursuits any longer.  I do hold gratitude in my heart with abundance of appreciation for those that give support and encouragement, as I give to them.  But, I realize now that its not in the quantity, but the quality.  Whether one person reads this blog or a hundred, the effect is still the same.  Did I enjoy the act of writing and creating? Did this creative endeavor bring me pleasure, make me smile, build me up in someway? If I can answer yes to that, I know that I am successful.  From that, I can see that those that are meant to read or view my creative outlets will be those that need and find the most value from it.  

Life is not about quantity, but quality.  I hope we all grow further into a deeper understanding of that reality.  

I have dreams, not that you're not lying

Next to me

I can sleep, I can rest in peace

I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails

I'm not burning up like I'm in hell

I can sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6Wc1QICflo

Whether you are or disagree with the above writings, feel free to leave your comments below. I do read them and will respond! 

Also, The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a small business that seeks to bring awareness to a variety of social issues that will impact the world for the better.  Consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  And, thank you. 

West Christy Recommends Podcasts!

While we are working hard on the next episode, I'd like to share with you a playlist of radio shows recommended by Witney Seibold of 13th Floor (The article is 5 years old, I'll put the link at the bottom).

There are two I could not find on Spotify that he recommends, Stephen King's "The Mist". This radio drama was produced in the 80s and was recorded using a special set up to create a binaural experience. Due to the popularity of Mr. King's work, and probably the time and effort put into the drama, it's not available for free. And The Tell Tale Heart read by Iggy Pop. To be honest I probably wouldn't have listened to that one anyway, because it's not a radio drama, it's Iggy Pop reading the story. There's a place for that but this is about radio plays.
1. Suspense presents "Ghost Hunt": This is my favorite one on this list. I'm a fan of found footage and epistolary stories so this was right up my alley. A disc jockey known for his Friday night 'stunts' decides to spend the night in a haunted house with a grisly reputation. The sound engineering isn't superb but the acting is pretty good and putting yourself into any one of the character's shoes will at the very least make your hair stand on end.
2. Mercury Theater presents Dracula: Very paraphrased version of Dracula that Orson Welles produced and stars in. This really only remains on the list because it was on Witney's. However it is the best production of Dracula I've heard and closer to the book than others. I've just never been a fan of vampires. The sound engineering is excellent and runs for almost an hour. If you happen to be a fan of Bram Stoker's Dracula, then this is the one to listen to.
3. Suspense presents Donovan's Brain(1948): This was originally performed by Orson Welles but the version this list is the later recording with John McIntyre. I haven't heard the original but this one was fairly well done. A science fiction story somewhat in the vein of Frankenstein, a scientist doing experiments on keeping brain tissue alive after the rest of the body has died is awoken one night by his colleague. A financial genius from Hungary has been found in a plane wreck not far from the scientist's lab. Instead of trying to save the man, he saves the brain and slowly Donovan starts to take over the scientists body. I found this particular production amazing because McIntyre switches accents between Donovan and the scientist in mid sentence and only some words. If it was done in post then the sound mixing was excellent.
4. Tales From The Crypt presents "Tight Grip": Fans of the television show or the comic of the same name will also dig the grave puns dug up by the Cryptkeeper. And the theme song has lyrics in this version. The story itself is told from the point of view of a magician's trunk. Goofy I know, but that's Tales from the Crypt for you. All in all it's an interesting story, a complete roller coaster of a tale. This is a modern broadcast so it should be noted that they don't pull punches or censor themselves. There are some parts in it that could be distressing to listeners.
5. Escape presents Three Skeleton Key: Escape was a radio show with an interesting but rather weak premise. Basically the main character would find themselves in a situation they would have to escape each week. I haven't heard very many of them, and from what I recall they weren't very horror-like so I was surprised to see this one on the list. In the vein of Lovecraft's "Rats in the Walls" or Stephen King's "1922" (although much more literal) a lighthouse keeper and his two colleagues watch in horror as a derelict ship runs aground on their coastline and thousands of rats pour out. It's told in an odd manner, sort of like an audio book with each character having a different actor. Just the premise alone is what made this one worth listening to. Nothing particularly stands out otherwise but sometimes that alone is enough.
6. Tales from Beyond The Pale presents "The Conformation": I learned about Beyond the Pale after completing the horror game "Until Dawn". I looked up the writers and discovered they created this podcast that was bringing back original horror stories to the air waves (I have found a ton more since). This wasn't a free podcast at the time, with only two episodes available for free. But I bought the vinyl recording of two other episodes of theirs and loved them. This was two years ago and now they have some available on Spotify. Conformation promises to be 100% medically accurate, and is about a plastic surgeon who is considered the very best. But he finds humans disgustingly ugly on the outside and is becoming quite discouraged. Then he meets Michelle, who's been disfigured in an accident. She asks to not be put completely under while he reconstructs her nose. What follows is a somewhat gruesome tale of a man and woman seeking perfection in their self image. The story actually had me swearing out loud during a couple scenes. And the sound engineers of Glass Eye Pix are very very good at what they do. This one is also a modern production and is not censored in the least bit. So just be warned this one can be a bit distressing too.
7. Suspense presents "Sorry, Wrong Number": Considered one of the very best and iconic radio dramas second to War of the Worlds. Where as War of the Worlds is infamous for the public's reported reactions (these claims were not true, not on the scale reported by Mercury Theater and the producers. It was used to sell Orson Welles to the public, as if they needed to) Sorry, Wrong Number is known for it being a one person 'tour de force'. Agnes Moorehead plays the main character who is an invalid. In an attempt to reach her husband she thinks she's been tapped into a wrong line (set during the time of switchboard operators)and over hears a murder plot. Her desperation to get help increases as time goes by and it becomes quite heart wrenching. The production on this list is a later one, in which all parts have a cast rather than just one woman on the phone, but that doesn't make the impact any less in my opinion. You can clearly tell that whether you hear the folks on the line, or just Agnes, the story would still have punch. This of course isn't a modern recording but it should be noted this one could be quite distressing as well.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading! We are working hard here at OPC to bring you some more shows soon!
The Playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6LKADPH5aBTj6dilWoqcLo…
The article:
http://www.the13thfloor.tv/…/the-best-horror-radio-dramas-…/

Written by West Christy

Thoughts on what you just read? Feel free to comment below and we'll respond!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.   Cafe-Girl is committed to bringing quality content in the form of film, webseries, podcasts, and more that raise awareness on social issues and help to benefit society.  Help support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

One Step Closer

One Step Closer...

The start of my production company, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, was formed through the stepping forth into bringing my literal dream of a Doctor Who Fan-Fiction webseries to life.  In that, my character, Jane Smyth, comes to terms with her real self that of the time lady, Romana, and reunites with her friend, The Doctor.  More to the point, I spent a great deal of time during the writing, re-writing, filming, and basically living of the character and her story listening to this song on repeat during the summers and times it was in production and then post-production.  I heard it so much that it just infused itself in the very fibre of my being, as characters are wont to do to us actors, so that even to this day it remains a song that can rekindle itself at a moment's notice or at the most minute of reminders.

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

And there it is, the essential line of the chorus that repeats itself in my mind as I go about my day, a gentle urging that steadies me and buoys me up with hope: One Step Closer.  We all have goals, ambitions, dreams that we hope to attain, whatever they may be.  Along the course of life, it doesn't always happen in leaps, bounds, but most assuredly slow and steady, one baby step at a time.  Sometimes, the pathway to achieving can seem so gradual as if to seem as if we are falling backwards, when in fact the mere stumbling is not a failure but part of the process of moving forward.  

How do I mean? Well, what I have discovered in my path is that failures are successes in that they are lessons learned to help better us and motivate us forward on our journey.  More than that, success, prosperity,  abundance are simply not of the financial realm, but an overall mindset.  Although it has helped me to feel more secure by having the knowledge of financial wellness becoming more and more achieved, more to the point it has given me the balance needed to focus on my overall goals while not having to worry about the life factors of the 3d world.  

So, right now, in this time of the Covid-19 pandemic, as I await the stimulus check, the various online work I am acquiring and building, the unemployment funds to roll in, I have to remind myself to take a breath when the worry seeps in, when the tendency to scream out "Why me? Why does the Universe hate me? I struggle along, seemingly one step closer to getting ahead only to fall back", and stopping to ask myself, "What is the lesson here?"  I admit there is still a lag time between those thoughts yet it is getting swifter.  

 Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

(screams the Universe back to me)

So, what is the lesson then? Is it of having patience in the waiting? Trusting that some higher power has got me? Well, yes but more than that, I am learning to measure my abundance not in the financial but to continually look at what I do have, in this moment and recognize how far I have come in my path.  

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

So, what do I have? I have created a sizable hole in my debt that has left me with a bit of a safety net in times of woe.  This month I have paid off the majority of my bills, utilities and debt included, which places me in a position not to worry.  I know that I have the finances coming from different sources so that my basic living expenses (like a roof over my head) will be covered so that when the above mentioned finances roll in (stimulus check, etc) I can make the necessary payments needed to move even further forward.

All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

But, the real lesson here is that, now that I have a handle on the whole notion of money (Look, $, you work for me, bitch, not me struggling for you), I can finally start recognizing my worth outside of the dollar I receive.  Yes, it feels good and helps boost my self-worth when I receive the financial for my artistic endeavors and I whole-heartedly accept and believe it is essential, but as I grow deeper in my analysis of self acceptance and love, I see now that the belief in myself in achieving abundance and success is not merely measured by the material but in my outlook on life.  

So, the setbacks will come, financial or otherwise, and I can choose to make them pitfalls of failure, endlessly falling to my own despair or I can realize that they are not to push me down, but the next mountain to climb, discover, and overcome.  They are the pathway to truly appreciating and understanding myself.  I recognize that life should not be lived in the someday, but in the now, that if I continuously plan for the glorious future happiness, I will miss out on the joys of the moment and will never fully be able to achieve the happiness I seek.  

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrM-Bkm4c_I

Hey, hey, you like what you read and have something to say, comment below.  Don't like what you read but still want to say something, toss in your thoughts below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company focusing on bringing awareness to a variety of social issues to effect real change.  Want to support us? Head over to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Be You, Be A Hero

             Hero

Okay, so here's the deal.  Insights and messages can come from the most surprising of places, in the most unusual ways.  It's up to us to maintain an openness and willingness to receive without judgment.  That's the situation I found myself in, when contemplating the recent circumstances surrounding the state of our union, in all its variety of facets, when the above song, Hero, by Mariah Carey popped into my head.  It's a song I used to listen to in my young impressionable naive-minded youth, back in the far away past of the nineteen nineties.  Remember back then?

So, as many of my contemporaries, I was mourning the concession of Senator Bernie Sanders and the devastation that may follow in that wake for my country and the world.  Who will lead us? Who will be our revolutionary, our guide? Why didn't he stay? When will be his chance?  As I sunk deeper into these trail of thought, I began to examine the notion of a hero and, to be exact,a revolutionary.  

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

If you do a google search on the word, "hero", the first definition is: a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.  

But, what in fact does it mean to be a hero? More to the point, what makes a hero a reality in our eyes? We idolize someone like Bernie, or another political or public figure, for the attributes they seem to manifest outward, without truly knowing who they are inwardly.  What if we stopped, looked inward and found those attributes within?  What then? Why must it be someone else's responsibility to be our hero?  (I am speaking to myself more than anyone else.)

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

But then again, I ask myself at times, why me? (And, also, why  you?)  Why must I stand up to the injustices of both my personal world and the larger reality? Why must I combat the negative toxicity that threatens to disable myself and those I love, even at the risk of losing those I love as a consequence for my boldness?  

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold
You can find love
If you search within yourself
And that emptiness you felt
Will disappear

There is one reason that I can ascertain to inspire myself and others to live boldly and truthfully to attain their highest potential selves.  And that would be simply, its a better way.  See, taking the time, effort, and hard work to 'clean your own house' and do the adequate self care and healing is necessary for you to enact positive change for all of life, both for ourselves, those we love, and the planet.   So, after we find that peace and continue to work towards our wholeness, what then? How does this become true social and dynamic change?

For my part, it begins with allowing myself to be present and listen in order to be led towards the right decision, guided along the path towards the highest good for all.  It can be as minute as smiling at someone on the street and saying "hello", sending gifts and letters to remind them that they are loved just because, planting a garden with the express purpose of loving Mother Earth back to life and to provide sustenance for yourself and loved ones, or even greater tasks such as becoming and remaining an informed voter, being politically and socially active based on your convictions (YOURS, don't be manipulated), donate in whatever fashion of your choosing, and stay as active as possible in healthy relationships.  Above all, continue that self-care, deciding every day to love yourself and recognize that this is not merely selfish but selfless.  Being able to be fully in love with yourself allows the full healthy mindset and peace to enact change that all of us desire, regardless of the religious or political belief structure.

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

On that note, I gotta talk about Jesus now.  If this is somewhat of a sensitive subject, for whatever the reason, you have been warned.  But, I am not addressing Jesus Christ or the biblical scriptures I share based on my past fundamental beliefs, so let that put your mind at ease.  I'm not going to try to convert you to drinking the Kool-Aid and numbing yourself to the distraction of organized religion.  (No, I'll just try to appease your fears with a Nineties Pop Song....Just Kidding!)  But, here's the thing, as I dwell deeper into my Wiccan roots (from my pre-fundie life) and also into a deeper healing, I have come to recognize and appreciate Jesus and the teachings I once read in the Bible.  This is surprising to me, yes, but also a sense of comfort.  I recognize the truths from the scriptures and that they are not singular to the Christian religion.  There are lots of different types of followers of Jesus, lots of folks who think He is 'da shit', so define wisely.  (However, if I ever slip back into the fundamentalist life-style, you all have my express permission to shoot me.)  So, that said, let's talk about Jesus, shall we? Most significantly, as a revolutionary type of guy.  

In my past studies, I came across Acts 5:33-39 which says: 

33 When they heard this, they were furious and wanted to put them to death. 34 But a Pharisee named Gamaliel, a teacher of the law, who was honored by all the people, stood up in the Sanhedrin and ordered that the men be put outside for a little while. 35 Then he addressed the Sanhedrin: “Men of Israel, consider carefully what you intend to do to these men. 36 Some time ago Theudas appeared, claiming to be somebody, and about four hundred men rallied to him. He was killed, all his followers were dispersed, and it all came to nothing. 37 After him, Judas the Galilean appeared in the days of the census and led a band of people in revolt. He too was killed, and all his followers were scattered. 38 Therefore, in the present case I advise you: Leave these men alone! Let them go! For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. 39 But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

So, for starters, do I think Jesus is the Messiah come to save us and escort us into eternal life of harps and clouds? Not necessary nor am I sure, but I do think he represents a type of hero archetype that is present even in our lives today.  And, I feel that there have been similar hero archetypes both on a religious and political level down through history and will continue onward.  I mean, in our times, we can look at individuals such as Martin Luther King, Jr, Elizabeth Warren, and of course, the aforementioned Bernie Sanders as this archetype.  (Yeah, okay, I know that my representatives seem a little left skewed so if this doesn't fit your ideal, *insert your hero archetype here*.)   I chose these three because they represent a key ingredient here, all were passionate to enact the sort of change that would make the world a better place and the lives of the citizens better, but all were vilified in some fashion or another (some worse than other: Here's looking at you, MLK, Jr).  And, what indeed occurred as a result of the vilification?  We still remember as a nation, world, and true change has occurred and is happening even now.  

Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away, hey yeah
Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time you'll find the way

Bernie conceded, he stepped down, and in a very real sense, he sacrificed himself and with that the movement of revolution, begun not by him but others before him, that he carries forward, can continue.  And, continue it will, not merely by him with his loyal followers, but by you, by me, by us standing strong together in our own individual whole selves determined to bring light and love to a very ill world.  Looking towards a leader, someone that inspires you, that you see as a hero, is not necessarily a bad thing, but do not let that weaken your own influence.  Be true to yourself, your convictions, and move forward your own hero for the world.  And, please do not let this boldness disempower another whose views may differ, but be ever willing to sit down face to face at the table, listen, find shared commonality, and healing for all.  

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth

That a hero lies in you

So  now, after you have read my words, I invite you to take a few minutes and really listen to this pop song, Hero, in light of what I have written.  Your views may differ but I believe your passion is similar in desiring the positive, healthy world for ourselves and for loved ones.  And, be a hero and remember, you don't necessarily need a cape to do it, only if you want too.  

Hey, hey, you like what you read and have some thoughts, comment below.  Not like what you read, but you still want to express yourself, comment below.  

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company working to bring about artistic endeavors that inspire change and help heal.  Want to lend your support? Head over to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions