A Letter To My Ex-Husband #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticabuse #survivortothriver

 

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

 Roar--Katy Perry

For My Ex-Husband,

I have seen you around town a couple times of recent, thus, I take it that you are now living here again.  Thus, it is vitally important that I express the truth of who I am and what you are to me now.

I am not who I was when I knew you before and during our marriage.  When we were together, you attempted to silence, nullify, control me.  In a blinding rage our of your sheer paranoia and low self esteem, you sought to undermine, use, and abuse.  All this, while I paid all the bills, kept the cabinets full of the food you requested, cooked, cleaned, tried my best to appease, console, your various medical complaints and concerns.  That's right, if you recall, I got you an MRI near Salem and took time off work to drive you there.  Yet, nothing ever was good enough.  The more I bent over backward, the more you raged on, blaming me for everything.  In the briefest of moments, you were the sweet man I fell in love with, suddenly sharply turning into the darkest of nightmares, feeling emotionally trapped akin to the time you physically pinned me against the wall screaming over me whilst I sobbed.

Yeah, that's the truth of it.  No matter how you try to lie it away, deceiving others, placing the blame on myself and others continuously, that won't work for me anymore.

After I, sobbing, kicked you out of my life, that fateful Oscar Sunday 2013, tears streaming down my face, on our doorstep, then a few days later, filed a restraining order, my life has continued upwards, despite minor setbacks of other emotional abuse.  . 

We'd always go into it blindly

I needed to lose you to find me

This dancing was killing me softly

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

For the last ten years and counting, I live with the most loyal, sympathetic, and lovingly patient life partner.  He has his share of struggles but he makes up for it in his willingness to grow, evolve, and I love him for that.  A few years ago, we came to a dark impasse in our relationship, which almost broke us, but a depth of love beckoned us to continue, to help each other heal, to listen, to hold, to grow, to evolve.  We have two adorable kitty cats, a beautiful home with an outstanding view many remark upon and I never tire of, and a wonderful community of creative and supportive friends, a chosen family.  

I have an amazing sporty, safe, little red Chevrolet sonic, as well as a little Kia Rio.  I have an active garden where I harvest food from the land.  

Since 2016, I have evolved from 'just' an actress to life as an indie film-maker and together with some beautiful friends have created a wide body of work, available far and wide, for viewing, including the story I talked about when we were together.  The character from that story, Jane, then Romana, helped me awaken, lost girl no more.  In addition, I have been actively a part of many theatre and film productions across Northern California and throughout Oregon.  I have made a very successful and budding career as a professional art model.  I could go on...

But, what I want to express is this, not only have I achieved my dreams, I have gone beyond all that I could ever imagine possible.  I have found my inner strength, purpose, and peace.  I know now completely I am worthy of love, of all types, that I am worthy of the positive loyal friends who have stood by me, walked with me, throughout all the highs and lows, whose presence is a reminder of that love, of never giving up.  No longer do I awake with night terrors, no more do I feel the need to look over my shoulder when going about my life, no more do I shudder when a door, a cabinet is closed a little too hard, or when a glass is accidentally broken.

I mean...I have changed so much, I am wiccan now...I've been on stage across this valley, I've been in films across this state, I am a youtuber now, I have a podcast, I'm an art model...what have they (you) done with their(your) lives(life)?--Alina from Real

At present, I am finally birthing the story of 'our time' together, a long sought hopeful intention.  But, this story is not for you, nor is it truly your story.  This is my story, for me, as well as for others that you both directly and inadvertently abused and thus continue to do.  This story is for them, for others in the world who have experienced love, heartbreak, abuse, and found themselves, and for me.  The lessons learned for me are just that, through the heartbreak, the abuse, I found love of myself, love from others, and the strength of will to persevere. No longer a survivor, a thriver.

Like Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, I prevail, standing up against the abuser, liquifying their resolve, for my personal best and that of others. I will never fail to do just that, for my own good and for the benefit of society.

In therapy, I am working through my trauma, from you as well as others, to unlearn the lies you sought to wound with, to heal so that you, or any other abuser, will not live rent-free within my mind any longer.  Nor will the lies you screamed over me.  You don't deserve the time of anguish and anxiety any longer.  I am working so that when I see you again, you will no longer be an ongoing concern to me, no longer cause a fear reaction causing momentarily inaction.  No, I am working so that you will no longer exist to me.  Sure, I hold a space of love for you somewhere far away in a distant past, long ago, at that café, but that is all you will ever be.  Others from that time of life, I will always willingly make time for, re-connect with tenderness of love and gratitude.

Yet, you are not deserving of that treatment.  One who sought to destroy could not, did not, and will never. 

I have dreams, now that you're not lying
Next to me
I can sleep, I can rest in peace
I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails
I'm not burning up like I'm in hell
I can sleep
Now that I don't have you

Now that I don't have you
Maybe someday I'll love as others do
And wake up one morning to skies of blue
But I won't be with you

Now That I Don't Have You --Jill Sobule

I AM FINE Teaser Trailer FT. Jake Edwards "A Coming Out Song" #LGBTQAI #...

First look at the trailer for "I AM FINE" I AM FINE stars West Christy as Ryan, Alexandra Szabo as Jenesis, Trevor Pekas as Craig, Denise Baker as Susan, with Michael Meyer as Pastor Clint, and Alison Duren-Sutherland as Pastor Ally. Ryan questions his religious upbringing in the wake of his budding sexuality, which opposes the teaching of which he was raised. Meanwhile, all is not what it seems within the confines of the church itself. We are busy with the final touches of post-production, including audio clean-up, soundtrack, & color matching/blending, but here's the first wee glimpse.

Grief Is Grief #parasocialrelationship #suzannesomers #richardmoll #matthewperry

 

In the last two weeks, American pop-culture has lost three individuals from different decades of TV fame.  Yes, there were others and I wish not to discredit the effect of their loss, but for the purpose of this article, I wish to focus on the TV celebrities who graced the small screen of 70's, 80's, & 90's top TV shows.  These actors include, Suzanne Somers, Three's Company in the 70's, then later so much more, Richard Moll, Night Court in the 80's but also so much more, and, finally, Matthew Perry, Friends in the 90's, and so much more.  The loss of these three has profoundly left a mark of heart-break across the wide culture of America.  Yet, for those outside Hollywood, scarcely honestly knew each of these, perhaps a mere chance encounter, however, mostly through the medium of TV on their various shows and characters, perhaps an interview or social media presence.  The relationship of those non-Hollywood related, non personal friends or colleagues of Somers, Moll, and Perry would fall into the category of "Parasocial Relationship".

Abstaining from crossing over to a level of psychosis in parasocial relationship, such as a stalker, most do have a certain celebrity or celebrities that have touched them in such a way that has profoundly impacted, such being the reasoning behind my podcast the "FanGirlHour, wherein the guest shares the reasons behind their fave fandom.  (See: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/fangirling)  Yet, even with the lesser level of parasocial connectivity, a fan can still maintain the logical distance in understanding the separation of relationship, meaning, "It's not real, man".  Generally speaking, this understanding of the relationship is acceptable, to 'fangirl' as such is not only socially acceptable, a norm within society, but also emotionally fulfilling for the fan.  Yet, what happens to the human heart when the celebrity passes away from this plane of existence to whatever lies beyond?

I'll Be There For You

Unlike most, celebrities of TV and film, leave behind a plethora of content to mine through and thus can be healing for those left behind, whether close friend or fan, especially with the three mentioned.  Suzanne Somers was less relevant in current times yet her body of work expanded decades as well the mark of fighting for equality of pay for female actors to male actors far outreaching. 

Richard Moll, similar to Suzanne Somers in relevance, aside from a select group of loyal fans mostly to that of Night Court.  Night Court, a quirky court-room, comedy was obscure as it was relevant.  Within the context of the often silly humor, a deeper meaning of society is reflected upon the viewer, if they catch or not not always necessary.  Therefore, the quirky complexity of Night Court was oft overshadowed by the television show, Cheers, which location and characters were more accessible to every day life.  The current age of fandom for Night Court is found in those individuals aging from their late 30's through early 50s, those that were smallish children at the time the show was airing.  Growing up, these young fans, most likely, did not fully grasp the depth of the story yet enjoyed the silly comedy.  Therefore, these viewers followed the story through the Richard Moll's "Nostradamus "Bull" Shannon", whose simple yet wise fool, viewed the goings-on with the child-like wonder and sometimes confusion that the younger audience could relate.  Therein lies the intense heart-break of his death. 

However, the most accessible and heartbreaking loss of many is that of 54 year old Matthew Perry, most famous for Chandler Bing, on the 90's show, Friends.  Even more widely accessible and understood than even Cheers, Friends was a show with the simple concept of several friendships over a ten year span living, working, falling in and out of love in New York City.  Each of the six characters, vividly depicted, were different from one another yet continued to love and cherish the connection.  Perry's "Chandler" was known as the sarcastic yet socially climber enthusiast of the group, yet within a heart of gold and intense loyalty to his 'family of friends'.  Therefore, Perry's still higher relevance upon society, his show still widely viewed in popularity, has left an even deeper mark upon the hearts of many.  Friendship is a universal desire among all, thus the loss of Matthew Perry leaves the feeling of truly 'losing a friend'. 

As said above, the loss of a celebrity to one who held only a parasocial connection is fraught.  At once, the logical sense states that the grief is irrelevant and yet not as important as those we lost we actually knew.  However, the heart, the emotional part, only truly knows that what once was here is now gone.  Thus, grief, no matter the closeness of the relationship, is simply that, grief.  The stages therein of grief, no matter the context, must be experienced as any other.  The loss is significant, if not, for the individual but also for the collective.  

In the wake of the sudden absence of a celebrity, the process of healing is best when allowed freely without judgment, reflecting upon the lessons learned from what they gave to one and to all, cherishing the happy moments, and experiencing freely the heart-break of farewell.

I'll See You Again