Dreamcast by Catherine Hansen

Thank You For Body Shaming

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.--Lao Tzu

First off, I want to make it very clear that it overjoys me that the new normal is to embrace ourselves fully, love ourselves as we are, no matter the shape, size, or any other mark of physicality.  As a person who struggled the majority of her life with body dysmorphia (and still does to some extent) and anorexia nervosa (and still does to some extent), I find this to be refreshing.  Just the whole nature of the growing acceptance of mental illness as a viable ailment alongside the sicknesses of the physical is welcoming and heart-warming to someone like myself who has fought the good fight for many a year to erase stigma.  Regardless of the fact that many still eye those with major mental health conditions as myself with suspect and judgment, regardless of the fact that many use the idea of mental health as a 'get out of jail free card' from relationship and other commitments, I still see this progress as upward advancement in this cause.  By saying the above, I do not want to negate those with mental health struggles who experience breakdowns without receiving treatment due to the rigorous life-style our country's social norms of living enforces on them.  I believe we still have a long way to go in order to guarantee mental health support and coverage for all, without fear of stigma or judgment.

That said, today's article will focus on the truth that mental health begins within.  I am proud of myself and my friends who openly love themselves outwardly for how they look and am disgusted with the body shaming that has occured for far too long.  I, for one, being a person of slender stature have experienced this, albeit differently, just like my friends and colleagues that are of larger stature.  For the most part, I have experienced the backlash of hatred, jealousy, or judgment stemming from others viewpoint about they way I look, dress, and, behave inappropriately in their eyes.  I have both been scene as a slut just because of the barbie doll body I was gifted with by genetics, been an object of sexual lust regardless of whether I accept it or not which has caused my other attributes of intelligence and humor to be devalued, and been seen as a threat by other women as a potential 'boyfriend stealer'.  I cannot and will not begin to evaluate why these have made this judgment calls against me, their journeys are theirs to discover and only they know the reasoning of why they believe what they do and know what they need to do to become healthy, so I rest on their capable shoulders to do just that.  But I do know the result of such negativity forced on me personally.

The result of being shamed for my physicality led to immense insecurity and lack of love, a feeling of unworthiness within.  With that and the society's enforcement on being thin based on the myth of Hollywood perfection, I fell more and more into my struggles with body dysmorphia and anorexia stemming from my overall belief of body hatred.  When looked at as a sexual object or threat, I saw the weight loss as a means to become desexualized and look increasingly more child-like.  In addition, the feeling of hunger left me with an emptiness inside that I felt that I deserved.  I still rarely welcome the feeling of fullness because I have for so long seen it as a punishment, an indictment, leading me to feeling guilt-ridden.  At one point I reached 98 lbs and expressed pride in my accomplishment of loss.  Furthermore, the weight loss and external abuse of my body, wreaking havoc within, was the only weapon I had against those who sought to emotionally abuse and repress me.  

Thus, finding out that I had both Bipolar Disorder Type 1 and Celiac Disease was my saving grace.  Why? Because it forced me to slow down, to enter the journey of psychotherapy of a variety of kind, to look inward at why I made the choice to abuse the outward.

Along the way, I did discover my fears of weight gain and that my sense of worth was wrapped up in my outward appearance.  As I look at the equation above, I would now say that healthy mind should come before healthy body, for what it's worth, because it's in cleansing the inner that true health becomes a reality.  Believe me, I know the fears that come from beginning the journey within and can say that it's a life-long quest, one that will unfold as the layers of an onion as more and more is discovered, healed, and released.  Beginning in the year 2006 until today, I can say that this journey of mine has not always been a bed of roses and it is not something that I can say I have arrived at with fullness, or mastered.  I do not and will not ever receive my Phd in self-discovery and wellness, but the joy and peace found in the process is what makes it worthwhile.  

To relate this all to the idea of body pride, I do rejoice in the acceptance of the outward.  However, and this may cause an upset, I feel that the outward pride-filled explanation of one's appearance and physicality may be, in fact, an excuse to not seek true healing.  As I have mentioned before, anything may become a drug, a drug being that which distracts from one's pain.  For my part, I used my ability to starve my body as a means to escape, a drug as it were, meaning to control the pain within. 

Without wanting to trigger anxiety in my beloved readers and friends, I wish to encourage true healing which means going into the dreaded darkness of your inner pain, letting yourself dive deep into the places you seek to escape, and remaining still as you work through the process of being relieved.  I am a firm advocate for seeking help for mental struggles from a qualified psychiatrist and therapist, but I also believe in the vast majority of support groups available as well as the plethora of self-help books found at any bookstore, library, or online.  

Do not delay, my beloveds, from seeking true healing.  For despite the fears you may feel at the prospect, the joy found in the abundance of true wholeness and wellness far outweighs the momentary happiness found in the false escape of outward proclamation.  

Look within first, then the outward healing will come.  And remember, as the quote at the top of this entry states:

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.--Lao Tzu

Heal--Tom Odell

Take my mind

And take my pain

Like an empty bottle takes the rain

And heal, heal, hell, heal

And tell me somethings last

I would love to hear your wellness journeys and thoughts.  Please comment below and I will respond. 

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company.  To support us, go to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

In Your Own Backyard: Buncom, Oregon #buncom #southernoregon #ghosttown ...

Yet Another Blog About PTSD

Sunday evening it happened again. 

I had an anxiety attack triggered by a traumatic occurrence; a reminder of abuse.  I spiraled, spiraled until I was unable to feel anything but the fear and sobbed.  All I could do was go home and retreat to my safe place.  Increasingly, in the last 7 years, I have retreated more and more from the world, actively choosing in a hyper-vigilant way my daily life activities based on what may impact my perceived physical and emotional wellbeing whether positive or negative, however slight or massive.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I want to first start by showing the symptoms of PTSD, otherwise known as "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". 

Taken from the website: https://blackbearrehab.com/mental-health/ptsd/signs-and-symptoms-of-ptsd/

Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD include the following:

• Intense feelings of distress when reminded of a tragic event
• Extreme physical reactions to reminders of trauma such as a nausea, sweating or a pounding heart
• Invasive, upsetting memories of a tragedy
• Flashbacks (feeling like the trauma is happening again)
• Nightmares of either frightening things or of the event
• Loss of interest in life and daily activities
• Feeling emotionally numb and detached from other people
• Sense of a not leading a normal life (not having a positive outlook of your future)
• Avoiding certain activities, feelings, thoughts or places that remind you of the tragedy
• Difficulty remembering important aspects of a tragic event

I don't want to unpack each of the symptoms listed above and how they are reflected in my life.  Nor do I want to re-hash the various causes of my PTSD, that runs the gamut from domestic violence at the hands of my spouse, religious trauma, toxic friendships, and even more.

This is not the time or place for me to openly detail the horrors of my past, but I must say that I frequently relive the horrific events of my past, the effects of which run through my mind like a depressing theatrical play bent on maintaining my belief in my unworth and lack of self confidence.  This leads to a wide plethora of the above symptoms such as loss of interest in life and activities I once enjoyed, otherwise known as a pervading depression that just has become my normal way of being, thus detaching from relationships and friends due to an overwhelming degree of lack of trust and belief that I will be hurt again, and an avoidance of certain activities and places due to my categorizations of "good" and "bad" people and places, or rather "safe" and "unsafe". 

All of this has led my life to become increasingly rigid with overly strict boundaries.  It is difficult for me to be as spontaneous as I once was, a fact that saddens me.  I once self-described myself to some degree, and I think my friends' would agree, as carefree and zestfully on the quest to find the comedic aspects of life and enjoy it to the highest possible degree.  Not so anymore.

Now, I plan any social events weeks in advance, often finding myself dreading the activity as the date grows closer, praying and hoping fervently that the plans will be postponed or, even better, cancelled. It is a frequent joke of comedians this idea  such as "Cancelled plans are like heroin" quips John Mulaney, but for me they are even more so, they are an active sigh of relief that I can retreat within to the safety of my own secure boundary of protection, no threat of harm when my world is increasingly enclosed.

And, in the moments when I cannot evade the panic attack of a ptsd triggered event?  It is just as mentioned above and more, the extreme physical reactions for me come out as increased breathing, sobbing, racing mind full of fear, and flight more often that fight.

Why am I sharing this today? Because it helps to share, to let my own darkness be dispelled by the light of truth.  For not living in the darkness and stepping into that truth is the truest pathway to peace and healing. 

Furthermore, as I step into this life as an entrepreneurial small business owner running an independent film production company, I ask myself, "what is my brand?"  For a good time, I could not answer the question or sought out arenas that felt not easy to articulate, let alone flourish.  Why? Because they were not truthful to me nor who I am. Then, finally the answer of my brand, my speciality for my business, came fluttering into my mind, with the realization of this blog and the notion of "Thriving Artist", as well as the Facebook group: Artist Thriving Network .  My brand is me, my story, my struggles to survive and even more so, to thrive.  It is in the openness to speak and share how I overcome that brings the most traction and connection.  So to, my mission in this brand is to help others to live in that light of truth by actively and boldly (despite the trepidation of their own fears) share their stories of learning to thrive through a variety of medium available to them afforded to them within the construct of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.

So, what do you think? Want to share your story? Comment below and I will respond.  Or email us at: cafegirlproductions@gmail.com

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Receivers Only. Takers Need Not Apply!

Gotta Go My Own Way

Earlier this year, in the before times pre-Covid-19 of January 2020, I came down with Strep Bronchitis and before the word "quarantine" was a catchphrase that stimulated such quotables as "Shelter In Place" and the like, I had to do such myself.  I do find that interesting that a mere month before the whole world be quarantined, I had my own singular time.  Being so sick with high fevers, I spent much of the time sleeping or in a state of delirium and even after acquiring the medicine, it caused a reaction within me that stimulated my anxieties and depression forcing me onto the brink of suicide.  Scary, huh? So, yes, I did quickly contact emergency care and get the medication changed so that got itself resolved, but looking back I recall something very unique about the nature of illness, whatever it be, on our psyche and emotional sense.  This is something that has been becoming more apparently real to me in the months afterwards.

Sickness and illness, of any kind, has a very specific reason and purpose for our lives.  I see that both individually and collectively.  My strep bronchitis last January forced me to go inward, to slow down and cease distracting busyness, and to reflect on the needed changes on my path since and moving forward.  I have long since known that I struggle with co-dependency issues, with feelings of worthlessness, doubt, insecurity, and feelings of being unlovable.  As I went through my own personal quarantine and later through the world's universal quarantine, I began to reflect upon how the nature of my interpersonal relationships either enhanced this belief system or thwarted it.  This is to say, were they toxic or healthy? Before this time, I had never really stopped to truly look at my role in attracting the toxic abusers into my life.  Basically, I believed that I deserved the abuse, whatever degree or fashion it was given.

Now, if you are familiar with my story, I am a survivor of a myriad level of emotional abuse, from spiritual to domestic and so much in between.  But in the last few years and even much more in the slower pace that has become 2020, I have begin to reflect on the degrees of toxicity and the different ways abusers show up in my life as well as the ways they operate.  For there are differences, my abusive ex-husband who screamed at me until I lay weak like a puddle is vastly different than the frenemy who used me for her own gain and upon being called upon it, grew angry and bitter that she could no longer take from me.  But there are some similarities, specifically that all abusive types are 'takers', not givers.  It may not even be apparent to the taking abuser that they are doing such, they may have deceived even themselves by their own pain and insecurity, that this is the way to be in the world, but in time one can see the true nature of the relationship.  

As I went through the tumult of that sick weekend in January, I began to realize that there were several people in my life that I had been close to in one way or another that were toxic to me in that they were takers, not givers.  In that, I realized their giving was conditional and with strings attached, if they gave at all, that they only give if it would be beneficial for more taking from me and for their own benefit.  I had done my best in the real world to separate from them but seeing their posts on social media daily made me realize that they were still toxic taking abusers hurting me as well as using and taking from others, those that did not fully see that they were being used.  By seeing their posts and realizing the true nature of who they were, it kept bringing up the pain causing an emotional upset and turmoil within to continue and it was then that I realized the magic Facebook word of "unfollow".  True enough, if someone is dangerously abusive, not only do I unfriend but I block, but there are certain takers that are not exceptionally dangerous and more often than not are operating from their own wish to run from their pain.  I feel for them but the fact remains, they are still toxic taking abusers.  
Perhaps in time, the relationships with the latter will be reunited, I cannot say but for now I cannot oblige the taker mentality.

So, I unfollowed them and their posts disappeared.  It was amazingly healing and refreshing.  As I drove to work that Tuesday, the world felt lighter, fresh, and new.  I felt, after the intense fevers, as if I had gone through fiery rebirth and came out the other side cleansed.  So, when the great Coronavirus lockdown of 2020 hit, I was already of the mindset that slowing down was more than beneficial, prepared and comfortable to go within, and to let the true nature of sickness run its course, that is teach me, heal me, and grow me.

As the months have progressed throughout this strange new reality we call our world today, I have taken the time to do my inner self work and discovery.  There have been a myriad of awakenings about myself, my business, my brand, my goals, but the most pertinent to this blog is that of my newly forming understanding of relationship and what it entails to connect with other human.  I am realizing the difference between receivers versus takers inside of a relationship.  Receivers are not takers but those that are actively receiving what I give and then giving back freely and unconditionally with no strings attached.  Because of this, I have taken a fresh long look at those people that embody the positive in my life and that inspire healing within themselves and me.  They are partners along the course of life and they add increasingly value to my existence as I hope I do them.  

As I progress along the journey of healing as an abuse survivor and all the flashbacks and reactions that come therein, I discover more and more the nature of what it means to be in and have a healthy relationship.  The "Giving" and the "Receiving" are both crucial to feeling loved and worthy.  Because of my continuing nurturing now of these relationships that matter, my heart has begun to heal and open again, slowly to trust, I am learning to forgive and release.  I am seeing all the possibilities once again in the world, my avenues of creativity and connection are widening, and yet at the same time my energies of putting out into the world are not for the superficial, to gain likes and subscribes and therefore boost my self worth, but for the joy of creating and with the express understanding that those that will consume my creation are those that will truly receive and those that will not it was not meant for them anyway.

So to those abusers and takers I have released, I thank you sincerely for your place in my life, for teaching me the lesson of my self worth, what I deserve and what I do not, I could not have done it without you.   I hope you find what I have found, purpose, passion, peace, and beyond that true love of myself and in others.  For those true friends, the receivers, I thank you for your place in my life, for your presence in my life is warranting me much healing and strength, together we can truly be free and Breakaway. 

Trying hard to reach out

But when I tried to speak out

Felt like no one could hear me

Wanted to belong here

But something felt so wrong here

So I pray

I could breakaway

I'll spread my wings, and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes till I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish

Take a chance

Make a change

And breakaway

Thoughts on what you just read? Feel free to share below and I will reply!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company, but so much more, with the sole purpose of being the change of positivity, through our film and media projects as well as in other services.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

How I came to love Sunday Mornings Again

Sunday mornings....gotta love them! I recall a time when my Sundays weren't free.  In the early days of my fundamentalist existence, there was a joy to belonging and an excitement about learning, full of love and hope.  But then it slowly was replaced by the enforcement of committing to something that was increasingly controlling and judgmental....I felt more and more my strength being sapped from me, those friends I thought were like family were out to undermine and I them...Thank God, I was finally led from there, even though I didn't understand or even could see what the journey outwards would truly entail. 
The first few years, Sunday mornings amidst other moments, brought a feeling of guilt, the old 'I am going to hell' fear, but as I worked through the trauma and connected with friends with similar experiences, who listened, supported my climb upwards, and laughed with me, found those who were like family who offered no judgment...Sunday morning and all of life brought about a certain joy.  Today, I sit here, after a busy week and another to come, sipping my coffee, feeling content with who I am and my place in the universe, a true and lasting peace within that no outward construct could give....at home with myself at last. #exvangelist #drunkexparishner

Like what you read?  Want to comment? Do so below and you can bet I will respond!!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of uplifting society to a higher consciousness.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

A Very Open Letter To My Frenemies

Okay, here's the thing, I'm titling this letter "VERY OPEN" because if any reader happens to imagine themselves in the rank of "frenemy" of mine, for reasons either known between the two of us or imagined in their own head, then by all means this letter is open to counter with your comments below.  

And, yeah, I'll say it.  I have frenemies, even dare I say, enemies, which when it comes down to it anyone who is not a true friend is just that, an enemy.  But the cute little catchy "frenemy" has grown in popularity to define a sort of subset between not quite friends, not quite enemies.  How Junior High Adolescent like we can be all the way through the varied years of our lives!

So, yes, I admit I have a frenemy or two or three or four or....who knows?  And, you know what, I am pretty damn proud and unashamed to admit that.  Why, you ask, could you ever be so proud to admit you are perhaps hated by another that you once called friend? 

Well, for the very reason there is an "enemy" in fre-nemy because they were never truly a friend. Instead, they were someone with whom came into my life for the select purpose of their own gain, providing nothing in the relationship only that which will benefit them, and once they have received said item, away they go.  Unless, of course, you have the good fortunate, as I have in very recent times, to catch them at their game.  Frenemies do not like to be called out, they will pout, they will throw hissy fits, angrily they will go behind your back to gossip and turn others against you.  Be not afraid, true friends will never leave despite your changing behavior and mood, come what may, despite any rumors that may be spread.  True friends will come to you and address said rumors, seeking out your side of the story.  True friends are the ones that, in the end, will remain.

But, this is not about friends, nay, but about my frenemies and the reasoning behind why I am damn proud of having such individuals in my life at significant time periods.  Frenemies vary from narcissistic types bent on full abuse and control (a church leader might fall here, or a parental figure, or a lover of a sort), to acquaintances through work or other activity who suddenly bind themselves to you when they feel they have something to gain, and those that fall somewhere in between.  So, yeah there is a big gamut of what can be seen as 'abusers' in our lives and I feel that I have experienced the that full arrayed assortment.

But, I am getting better at noticing it sooner and therein lies the crux as to why I am thankful for these receivers and takers, never giving unless it will benefit them.  I am thankful because they're unending taking and abuse led me down the path to discovering my true worth based on that which I do not deserve.  Furthermore, the strength I discovered from walking away from the connection to the abusive frenemy, that which followed months upon months, even years, of my being the blunt end of the manipulation, feeling unheard, under-appreciated, and invalidated, so much that there was a constant fear of misstep and facing their wrath, has empowered me again and again to do what's right for me in seeking my freedom and my mental well-being.  

In addition to stepping back from the toxic, I now notice how at peace I feel in all my encounters.  The daily struggle of life, sometimes that temporary "oh fuckin shit" moment where even the slightest error occurs doesn't rock me nearly as frequent or as long.  I have noticed clarity in my connections and relations to others, that an abundance of healthy souls are coming into my life, who give just as much as they take and insist that I receive as well.  I am now in a myriad of relationships where I feel heard, appreciated, validated, and able to express myself more and more to the fullest of who I am.

Lastly, my creativity soars to new levels as I finally feel the freedom to explore avenues of life I was afraid at one point to venture upon, lest it hinder my connection to certain frenemy types or cause insult.  Furthermore, I am not out to gain the numbers, to head to the top of the class, to reach fame, fortune, stardom, and 'trendsetting', no, if I get two readers on this or 2,000, the act of creating is the same.  I create because I feel the inspiration and need to do just that.   How many view said item is not up to me nor is it in my power or worthy of my time to agonize over, I must simply create and in that realm I truly enjoy the imagination-fueled artistic process. 

So, I thank you, dear frenemy.  I thank you for the happy memories we shared.  I thank you for the toxicity I endured from you, for from both gave me the strength to realize what healthy relationships are and the courage to make the choice to leave that which was not.

Thank you. For in leaving, I have finally entered into the deepest of soul's inner peace that comes from truly knowing and receiving only that which I deserve, not based on what I can do for another, but love unconditional.  From that, I have discovered life's most truest victory, that of the confidence developed when one falls in love with themselves.  

I have hope, now that I don't have you
I have faith, now that I'm alone
I'm not bashing my head against the wall
I'm not waiting forever for your call
I'm not wasting time
Now that I don't have you

Now That I Don't Have You

Find what I said interesting? Are you a frenemy? Comment below and I will respond.  

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company.  Support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions