We are not powerless but overcomers!

I was thinking the other day (in fact, frequently) about how we are always, without being consciously aware, giving away our power---in so many ways, whether its obsessing over some past wound an old friend, flame, or foe has caused; whether it was knowingly or unknowingly it is the point that we still allow that scar to affect us, even though it is truly in the past, if we leave it there (which we don't) by obsessing over what was, not truly realizing there is no reason to do so since we have no real way to change, save to truly let it go.

And I think also we give away our power by our use of words.  I frequently find myself using the word "Sorry" when I have no real reason to apologize, for example, if i accidentally bump into someone, the better wording would be "excuse me".

So from now on, in order to perserve my "power" and "energy" and thus maintain my strength, confidence, and purpose, I will make a concerted effort to use the correct wording of "excuse me!"

Reviving the "Inner-Me"

For the past few months, I have been intensely doing character and monologue work, carefully choosing and selecting my five or more different variety of monologues for future auditions.  I realized I needed to choose some good Shakespearean monologues and that, truthfully, I wanted to do something different than the aforementioned Lady M monologue/scene I had done in college.  Without really knowing why, I felt led to Ophelia.

So, thus I began reading perhaps the most Shakespearean of works, the infamous Hamlet.  (Funny, I talked to a majority of my theatre/acting colleagues about this character choice, with the concern that I was too old, and all seemed to encourage and think that I was right for the part.)  So I continued forward...first revelation was that, always the relational actress/human being, I found the relationship between Hamlet and Ophelia to mirror that of mine and my (soon-to-be-yet-not-quite-yet) ex-husband, what with Hamlet's supposed "madness" spilling over onto abuse of Ophelia like that of Bill's illness to mine (which brings up a whole spin-off on the nature of romance and mental illness and how we often abuse the ones we love the most).

So, studying Ophelia then brought on this realization that I needed to study a little about her age-group since some time had passed from my pre-adolescent and adolescent days.  I decided I needed to read "Reviving Ophelia", a book in fact I have longed to read for many a year.    At first, I found that reading the first few pages would help me relate and support my teenage nieces, specifically my precious Teagan, but also Ari and Deborah (beyond Doctor Who conversations).

But, then I continued reading and began to discover how 'playing Ophelia' could help me to revive my own image and self-worth, that which I had lost through the effects of that age and societal and cultural pressures.

This past few weeks I have been subbing in a local middle school.  The teachers and I were discussing how sad it was to think about how the students were going from the innocence and excitement of being a kid to that of a moody pre-teen, and that somehow we wanted to stop that from happening.  I then realized that this was not, in fact, beneficial and that in a way would harm the student if we tried to halt the change.  Furthermore, that if we did somehow succeed in this, we would deter the natural course of growth in their becoming an individual.  We also commented on how separating from childhood is exactly the opposite of what we adults would like; to go back to that innocence we desire to reclaim.

Finally, that is what I believe is my sole purpose in studying and getting to know Ophelia; in reclaiming and reviving that part of myself that was stifled and thus murdered by society, the church, and my former husband.  That this girl mirrors the emphasis of what my life should be at present, one of being completely selfish, practicing self-love as it were, learning to make the right choices for my highest good, not sacrificing that which is dear to me.  Thus, finding and truly healing the inner child within.

That I believe is the real purpose we, actors (in a sense pure artists) invest so deeply in a character, for the personal growth and healing found in discovering that character and healing part of ourselves.