God the Healer: A Journey to Wholeness through the book of Ephesians

As I have been writing about whatever comes to mind, my marriage, my recovery, my mending, my return to Christ, I have decided to bring a little more focus to my writing and include a piece of literature that I have been working on for the last several years but have not been as diligent as I should have been.  It is a recovery book based on the book of Ephesians one of Paul's books.  I have found, in my own recovery and healing, much strength, growth, and healing from these books.  I will Calvary Chapel style; chapter upon chapter, line upon line, and attempt to place meaning, hope, and some kind of healing to the words of the divine. 

For you emailers, I will only send this out to you once a week, however, I will be posting everyday.  That way, you will be able to read only once for that day or can go back and read for the subsequent days and have five days to catch up before the next Wednesday.

I hope and pray that I do not dally away from the truth of scripture and that the power of the word can speak through you and that the healing of the Lord can come to you, as it comes to me.  For my own purposes of writing, I have dedicated this book to four woman, whose first names I will only write here, so whoever reads this, can't hunt them down!  But, know that whoever finds comfort in these words, may they reach into your heart, soul, and mind and remove the filth of the pain and make you into the whole and complete person and servant God has called you to be.

In grace, I leave you...Below is the introductory letter to the book, with the dedication.  (Oh yeah, I promise, that the devotionals themselves will be short, maybe one or two paragraphs, maybe three, and that there will always be questions to answer after each one.  Answer them in the blanks to follow, or in a personal email to me, or in your journal, or in your mind.  But, please consider deeply what is written and let it richly dwell in your heart.

God speed, dear reader, and may healing and joy come into your heart.

This book is lovely and faithfully dedicated to my dear friends, Monica, Corynne, Marlene, and Angela

To All Those Who are on the Journey to recovery,

I was once where you were. I felt the pain that you are feeling. The unbridled emotion and fear that envelopes you into the power of darkness. The lack of light made me feel as I would never see God again or at least that He wasn't present. But he was and he is with you. I hope your journey through these devotionals helps you see that he is an ever-present help in times of need. He has not left you; He is holding you right now.

As you begin this journey, I first want to share with you a little about where I was and who I am now. I had an intense anger problem, Bipolar, Anorexia, and symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. I overcame these difficulties through prayer, devotional studies in the Bible, Christian and Secular recovery books, and the support of friends and loved ones. In this book, I will use some of the advice I learned from all of these sources.

I can proudly say that I don't suffer from any symptoms of BPD, have recovered completely from Anorexia, and my Bipolar is in remission. I know that you can recover through your illness or addiction as well.

Some of the advice given to me by dear friends are recorded here.

My best friend, Koiwu, told me once not to “compare my life with another but to live my life as best that I can do and enjoy it for myself”. In practical terms, your life is your own; don't be worried about how you measure up to them. God has put you in the place where you are, at this particular time, for a reason. Accept your current position as temporary and do something about to change it. Follow your dreams! If you want to change, you and God can do that together. The key is not to look at a person with envy for what they have and what they are, but to accept yourself for where you are at, examine yourself for where you want to be, and start making changes to get there. In recovery terms, this means doing the hard work of healing to get over yourself and move on. Its hard work but it is very rewarding and pays off in the end.

My good friend, Scott Stanford, always reminded me to “Feel my feelings”. For Christians who believe that feelings are of the devil, this may be a challenge. First, they have to refute that lie that feelings are evil and come to terms with themselves that feelings are indicators of an inner problem. If you don't want feelings to control you, then feel them. Because if you don't feel them, they will overwhelm you, control you, and you will suffer with them the rest of your life. But, if you experience them to the fullest, work through them without judging them, and release them, you will be free.

So, your emotions are indicators of an inner struggle that needs to be released by feeling them and then releasing them. If you are not convinced by this, just look at the people in the bible who suffered freely and were replaced, Elijah (1 Kings 19), Job, Jeremiah(Lamentations), Paul, and even Jesus wept freely. With these as our examples, we can see that there is freedom in expressing and feeling our emotions.

My best friend, MJ Taylor, reminds me always that “God's will is best and that we are not in control.” When you try to control your life to the last detail, you will be disappointed because ultimately you are not in control. Your plans will fail and not go through if you are not committing them to God's hand. God has a plan and a purpose and it is for your benefit and your blessing. Trust him and let go of your life! He has your best interests at heart and everything will work out for good.

Lastly, I hope that this book will show you that suffering is necessary to bring about true healing. When you are suffering, you can talk to God openly about what you are going through. You can even argue and yell at God. He will listen. He will remain by your side. Consider Job's suffering. He did not complain in his suffering, he knew he had not sinned. Listen to what he says in Job 23:4-7:

“I would present my case before Him,

And fill my mouth with arguments.

I would know the words which He

would answer me,

And understand what He would say to me.

Would He contend with me in His great

power?

No! But He would take note of me.

There the upright could reason with Him,

And I would be delivered forever from my

Judge.”

What Job is doing is asking to speak with God about his sufferings. You can do this too. In this devotional book, there are journal entries below the section. There are questions that relate to the section. I encourage you to answer the question in any way that is honest to you. If there is not enough room, buy a journal and pour out your heart in that. Honesty and expression of emotion is the step in the right direction for recovery.

And always remember, dear one, God is fighting for you.

In Love,

Julia

 

Black Friday or Good Friday?

Wait, has anyone ever really thought about that? That the day after Thanksgiving we call Black Friday, but the day that we honor Christ's death on the cross we call "Good Friday"....hmm, interesting?  But, really, Christians call it Good Friday, because it is the day our sins are washed away, completely, one hundred percent forgiven, and as I read today gives us the ability to enter into intimacy and complete union with the Father.  Did you know God's complete purpose in sending his son is redeeming us so that we could have complete intimacy with him, unbroken, unconditional love?

So, really, today is Black Friday, because people forget what to be thankful for and hurry to be bombarded with Christmas musak, commercialized Santas, and oh so many people just for that deal.  I worked in retail, so I know the drill.  Really, I am one to go to little out of the way bookstores, or pick up things throughout the year, that just speaks to me about that person.  So, really, today can be called Black Friday, because of the emphasis on commercialized capitalism and not what the true meaning of the season is.  And doesn't this season begin Sunday for Catholics?  I forgot what that is called, my Catholic friends can remind me.  But, my husband and I went to the first Sunday mass after Thanksgiving with my Grandma last Thanksgiving and the Lord truly met us there.  Say, what you want about Catholic churches, you closeminded evangelicals who think you know the right way to seek the Lord, Jesus does show up there.

So, after spending my Christmas holidays in college shucking through Black Fridays, I am very happy to note that I will not partake of that.  Maybe because its in Medford, and if you are an Ashlander, you try to avoid the Medford scene as much as possible...some people feel like they have to take a shower after they return from Medford or do some spiritual ritual to cleanse away the demons.  And, I already have a stack of books that I have been collecting at local bookstores for friends and family, little gadgets for others, and such.  And thinking about helping out at a food pantry or such for the Christmas season, helping those less fortunate, because my husband and I may seem to be "one of the least fortunate" we've got more than some, so as the Bible keeps saying "whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed".  And my heart's prayer is always that I may not do it for the repayment for the Lord, but that it needed to be done, except sometimes the repayment from the Lord is just the joy and peace of the Lord, ie the Holy Spirit.

What I have been learning from my reading of scripture, of reunion with friends, healing wounds with my father, books, is that salvation is a gift that enables us, just not eternal life, but true intimacy and relationship with the Father and, of course, Jesus.  I have learned that because of my crazy times my mind goes berzerk, I am not condemned by the Father, his love is always open to me.  It is me that runs away because of self-condemnation, not the Father, who wants to hold me and wipe away the tears.  So, either because of the crazies or the racing thoughts or just the time of year, I can find rest in knowing my security is in Christ, my relationship with the Father is secure.  Is yours?

This Christmas I hope to give more than I receive, in some small ways.  For those of you who have been following my reading, Bill and I met a military man during our layover in San Francisco.  I am trying to get his address so that Christmas cards can be sent to him from many, and maybe a package from my church.  Since all this combat, I haven't used my emotion to have anger towards Bush but have felt an amazing heart and need to reach out to those in service, through prayer...seems like a door has been opened.  So, anybody who reads this who wants to help by sending a Christmas card or what have you? Send me an email and when I get his address, if I can, I will send it to you...juliacweston33@gmail.com

Also, I plan on tithing the little that I have, especially for my child in Central America.  Her name is Roxana and she is a gift from the Lord.  Because of financial troubles, I have been wonton to fork over the 32 dollars to pay for her needs, but something convicted me in that I needed to start doing it, after all, God blesses our obedience and God seems to be opening up doors for us to be able to do things like this, like food stamps, health plans that pay copays and such, a potential work situation for me, what have you....and hopefully if work does come through this year, I will try to buy her a little gift, or maybe, just send her a Christmas card...

For any of you interested in reaching out to an orphan or a child less fortunate (Roxana is not an orphan), look into Compassion International, its a very honest organization and seems to be doing some good for God and for children.  There have been several opportunities for me to do mission trips, but, alas, I always lacked the finances...maybe in the future...and hey 32 dollars is really not a lot, come on, you can go without that coffee, to provide shoes, clothes, food, good schooling, and spiritual education for a young one....a future that they may not already have.

I mean, when we think of the gift that was given to us in the form of a baby, that humbled himself to sleep in a manger, in a barn, really, that would offer us security and eternal communion with the father, unbroken, unconditional...it seems like nothing that we can give the little that we have to help out another....and as I have heard, it doesn't have to be with our money, it can be our time, or physical presence....

Prayer is a big part of reaching out to the world and definitely I have seen prayers answered.  I believe God is answering big prayers this Christmas season for my family, especially my dad.  Maybe I was too close to see and was too inundated with his anger to really see beyond that, the pain he was feeling...but the very hunger that he had to read all those Billy Graham books, he's humbled and may not be able to hide anymore....God speed into that house, I pray.  Anyway, come what may, God has entered my heart and removed the root of bitterness towards my father, and I accept him for who he is and who he was in my life, may the healing between us begin and may God be our head.  And, that is the one of the best gifts I could receive this Christmas, isn't it?

So, remember the meaning of this season; the true gift of salvation that offered us, not just entrance into heaven (that's pennies according to the reality) but lasting, unconditional love and intimacy from the father, his sole purpose before the fall of man.  His sole purpose for creating you.

I leave you with this, the greatest commandment that Jesus spoke:

"Love the Lord your god with all your heart, mind, soul, and body"

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."

Wicked Judges We All Are; Show no partiality

In my quiet time today, I prepared for my Monday Night bible study of James.  I read James 2: 1-13, which talks about showing no partiality.  Now, I just got home from a very busy reunion for my Grandpa's 100th birthday, and got home late because of a mixup with the plane, so I am very tired and hope to God that He speaks through me, because my brain is in such a fog that I don't think I can accurately express what the Lord is speaking to me, and what I hope to impart to you.

It starts out:

"Show no partiality as you hold the faith in our Lord Jesus Christ, the Lord of glory.  For if a man wearing a gold ring and fine clothing comes into your assembly, and a poor man in shabby clothing also comes in, and if you pay attention to the one who wears the fine clothing and say, "You sit here in a good place" while you say to the poor man, "You stand over there" or "Sit down at my feet", have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?" 2:1-4

Now, specifically that idea of being a judge with evil thoughts when Jesus told us specifically not to judge lest we be judged hits me right in the heart.  But, I want to talk about how I have been shown partiality in the church and how I have learned not to, and am still learning.

I hate to slander it again but I was shown partiality my first year at Refuge Christian Fellowship.  I didn't talk the same as them, dress the same, was poorer.  Because I didn't have money, I didn't have a fancy phone, or fancy clothes, or go out to coffee, or anything.  I also felt excluded because I couldn't talk about my bipolar without fear of discrimination (yes, this is true in Calvary Chapels), like being told not to be on medication or go to therapy (they say this without any understanding of recovery or mental illness), or being told that it is demon possession.  I also was going through an amazing experience at Celebrate Recovery, digging into the heart of my own pain and discovering God's truth about his endless love for me.  I wanted them to go through with that, because I saw the pain in their own eyes, what they hid behind the facade of good frozen yogurt restaurants, dress shops, and coffee.

But, I have learned through this bible study that I was being judgmental towards them, for maybe being more spiritual than I am, holding positions above me when I felt that I knew more than them, being married before me, or having kids before me.  So, in my resentment, I lashed out and wrote a few of them angry letters trying to get them to see, and to Corynne and Grace, I deeply apologize to you, I hope that, yes, it did open your eyes to truths about yourself but without any bitterness towards me or without much harm done, and in your own time and your own way, I hope you can find the healing that you need.  As my dear friend, MJ says, "we all have our journeys of recovery".  Please forgive me, Grace, Corynne, and all at Refuge for being so convicted with my own sin that I treated you with such disgrace....but please know that I do believe you are a little superficial in your practices and ways you operate in the church.  That is just my honest opinion and I offer it with humility and grace.

Because of this partiality, I left this church and attended Hope Chapel Healdsburg where we had two homeless people come in and join us on Sunday mornings.  Everyone treated them as equals and they felt comfortable telling their story and talking about their needs.  They were also able to grow spiritually and deepen their faith in the Lord, plus be a blessing of the Lord's faithfulness and provision in hard times to us.

But, I was thinking as it says in James why would we as believers or unbeliever or what have you, show more partiality to a rich person than a poor person.  For as I was thinking, I would do this...for example, if a movie star or famous person, say David Tennant, was in my house, along with my best friend, Stanford, I definitely would defer my attention to David Tennant rather than the one that has been through hell with me and cared deeply for me for the past ten years or so.  So, I am guilty of this sin as well.  Maybe, envy of DT's position would spur on this poor treatment of my dear friend, Stanford. Would you be?

Also, we might, if we look at how the powers that be are treating us, as some are saying we are quickly sliding into a police state, we might be tempted to treat those in power and wealth with deprecation out of fear of persecution, or maybe doubt of the Lord's protection.

But, whatever the reason, as you can see, I am guilty of showing partiality and like the title says, am a wicked judge in the Lord's eyes.  The answer to this, is to pray for a heart like Christ, to love all people, rich, poor, gay, straight, Christian, unChristian, buddhist, etc as children of God and with the same love that God and Christ offers them.  After all, dear believers, aren't we all supposed to be little Christ's?

The Way God Works

The first time I saw Anthony he was this cool cat, that probably was part a party animal I can only presume, who worked at Starbucks.  He walked in and all the girls swooned and tried to get his attention.  He didn't make my heart go pitter patter, but he did have an influence.

Over the years, I would see "that guy" around town, he just kept reappearing every where I went, at the Boys and Girls club, or just different places, and for some reason, in some small way, my prayers and eyes were on him.  Maybe it was the Lord through me saying, "this one I'm marking for greatness for me" and now I believe so.

So, in June 2010, when I walked into Hope Chapel Healdsburg, I met him for the first time and found out that he had given his life to the Lord, it was like an answer to prayer, like a moment of completion.

And, as we spent sometime together, in bible studies and such, I learned what a teachable heart he has and an ability to teach.  Watching his joy grow and watching him fall more and more madly in love with the Lord brought such warmth to my heart after years of seeing the turmoil on his heart, even the skance awareness of him, I could see that.  There was real joy and peace in his heart now, and it was infectious.

Anthony, a day early, I write to you many birthday wishes.  That the grace and peace of the Lord will be upon you this day and this year.  That he will strengthen you to fight the good fight, to remain pure in all your thoughts and emotions, and to serve the Lord with a zeal that burns an undying passion.

Memories are always flooding back of hearing you in worship, or sitting beside you, or praying with you....I miss you and long to see you, but know this, dear Anthony, we are connected by the Holy Spirit, and that my true brother is unbreakable.

Grace, peace, and love be multiplied to you.

A day early, and a dollar short...but hey that's our economy

Dearest Silvia, I have nothing to offer you except my undying love and friendship.  These past few, actually many years, great land masses and oceans have separated us but it has not stopped my love for you.....

And here it is in a blog, Silvia, Michelle, Silv...I love you, your friends love you, your family loves you, and they all honor you on your birthday as the special creation, that in whatever means possible, was given to them 32 years ago.  You are beautiful, talented, self-sacrificing, warm-hearted, gentle and an all around good chap to have around.

I remember the first time I met you, our eyes met and I just knew that whatever nervousness we felt by our first meeting, it would all work out.

Remember Kermit the Frog, staying up all night chatting with God knows who, the crazy disneyland trip, the trip to Chicago where we saw the cute boy who is probably some kind of relation to me now, and of course, you must remember Bob, and his, *ahem* significant other, or one night stand...who knows what it was?

But, the real memories are the warmth I feel every time I see your face on my facebook profile, knowing that I am as important to you, as you are to me...and knowing kindred spirit connection that we have, that can never be broken by time or distance.

Thank you for your thoughts and well-wishes, for your tenderness, for your willingness to forgive me the time I went crazy on you, to love me still.

Know that I write to you now, with a full heart, praying that someday we will see each other again, and there can be maybe some tears, but tears of joy and rejoicing...

Loving you from afar and always keeping you close in my heart and in my prayers

Happy Birthday, dear Silvia!

Laying it all down

If you have been a faithful reader, which chances are you haven't because,well, I'm quite verbose and go on and on...but hey, maybe slowly those that notice trickle in, and I know you secretly care, but are too busy to put in the effort, and I salute you for the personal efforts you put into your journeys...it all works together for good, we are a team, we work together, whether the distance separates us, we are connected by the spirit so that whatever the calling, therefore we are together doing the work side by side....all have a calling and a purpose on their lives...

But, if you have been reading, you know that I have once again picked up the mantle of a little bit of the ol' crazies, as we shall call them, the mind swirling crazies, and my marriage has at seemed in jeopardy.  But, by the grace of God, things seem to be falling into place, friends that really matter are forgiving and coming back, even after my pride got in the way of my heart towards them, services for my personal health, medical/mental, are opening doors for me, and jobs keep appearing then disappearing and sooner or later the perfect one that meets all me needs will fall into my lap.  I don't want to appear too desparate, but must trust in the Lord for his security, which is a challenge.

So, those of you who are reading this daily, and for those of you who just peeked in, I am on a new quest for healing, and a new journey towards creativity is part of that; writing this blog, getting parts in plays, etc.  But, one thing that stays with me is that I must not loose sight of the Lord or I shall be trampled over by own temptation and pride.  Besides this,  my husband and I have been meeting each other in a quiet time of prayer, just listening to the Lord's direction for our life as individuals and as a couple.  As the sermon spoke to me today, overlaying the hope of Christ is more important than the hope of saving my marriage, yet with that hope my marriage will be sanctified.  Daily, I constrain to lay it all down for my husband and be a submissive wife.

But, several messages spoke to me through Pastor Bill's sermon (yeah, my pastor's name is bill too), first if my hope is set on the return on Christ it will energize me to do the things of the Lord.  Then, in order to be a living vessel for  him, I need to be cleansed from my wickedness and make healthy decisions that can prepare my heart for every good work.  For my heart can turn to wickedness without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and my weakness is anger.  So, I surrender every day for the strength of the Lord to give me self control from my anger, from my wicked thoughts or the crazies, so that I may be "the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently, enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness."

For, as this sermon, pointed out, we live in the dark times of the end.  And if we don't have the overlay of hope on our hearts to shine on the world, we won't be able to save those that are blind to destruction to come.  I want to be one that can have that hope clearly seen through me that can attact others to their maker, their true love, the one who completes their heart (You do the math to whom I am talking about).  I want to save much alive.

So, I pray and surrender that I will be clear headed, less stubborn, God focused, with a sense of hope in dark days whether it be in my marriage with our own imperfections or our financial woes or the days to come.  For even those outside the faith of Jesus see the signs, they are talking about the New World Order, the Bilderbergers, etc wanting to take over control and assert world dominance.  Oh so much is going on, concentration camps, guillitines, lowering world population, chem trails, etc.  And, my dear pilgrims, it scares them for they have nowhere to run, really, but the hills and hide.

However, in my heart, when I fear, there is one place I run, when I am scared, I turn to my Jesus and the Holy Spirit comes in and overlays that spirit of Hope upon me.  I can rest in that.  Can you?

So, I challenge you today, to search out your heart, what are you most fearful of?  Surrender it, lay it aside, and lean on the hope found only in God.  The dark days are coming in our own hearts and in this world, without delay today, place your hope in not what you see but in your faith, for that will carry you through.

And as I walk through my valley of healing from the crazies of my mind and heart, praying for healing for myself and my husband, I know that with the strength and hope of the Lord we shall come through this time with his healing, and that even during the darkness of the valley he will be there...

Yes, this world will go through dark times, and it may not be the tea partiers or the occupiers who save the world, it may only be one man who can in one instance silence all rebellion....do you know his name?  Call on him.

Lay it all down, aside all that so easily ensnares and run to your creator, whatever that may be for you, for he alone is our source of hope, and cling to that hope eternal...that alone will carry you through the dark times of your own soul and the times this would is about to go through.

Dear friend and fellow pilgrim, march on with faith and diligence, with hope and prayer....

And, pray for me, that in my healing, I will have the strength to be a light for the truth, and many will run to that healing power.

Life at 23, then again, I'm 33

So, its a dreary Saturday afternoon, and laundry needs to be done, lines to be run, songs need to be sung, kitchens need to be swept, dishes need to be washed, and put away...and my heart falls on this scripture:

"And nothing you desire can compare with her"

Now, this is a verse that has always always caught my heart dead in its tracks, I mean, its not like those that you can easily glance over.  Its just there, staring up at you, reminding me of your my unfaithfulness to it.

For context, here is the whole text:

"Blessed is the one who find wisdom,
and the one who gets understanding
for the gain from her is better than gain from silver
and her profit is better than gold.
She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her,
Long life is in her right hand
in her left hand are riches and honor
Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who lay ahold of her
those who hold her fast are called blessed."

So, what I see is that wisdom is the Lord and by gaining entrance with the Lord you gain understanding but more so, something that is more costly that it over values silver or gold.

When I was a young believer, bucking up in my twenties, I read this scripture "nothing you desire can compare with her" and I earnestly wanted my heart to believe that, but it kept taking me back to him...him...my future husband.  Looking back, I believe the Lord promised that we would marry, that he had a plan and a purpose for our union, but still the Lord's heart is always one hundred percent mine, is mine his?

So, now the promise has been fulfilled, as they all are, and I married the man of my dreams.  And we have come through our first of battles and strongholds and I stand here at this impasse with this knowledge that this was all meant to happen.  All of it, everything that has happened between us in the last few months or even 8 years, everything I have been through on my own, everything he has been through on his own, has all happened for a reason hanging on the very nature of this scripture.  And that is, do you still desire your husband more than the Lord?  And the answer, a pitiful yes.  And, now of the problems of clingliness and not wanting to be alone and such, all hangs on this truth.  I love my husband more than the Lord.

Now, I don't want you to think that there is anything wrong with loving your husband, but to honor him more than the Lord is the fault.  It puts my husband in too high of a position, in shoes that he cannot fill. 

So, now I sit here with my mug of tea, at 33, feeling just as foolish for the Lord as I did when I was 23 when I fell in love with my husband, and I first read, "nothing you desire can compare with her"

Remember how I was saying, we calvary chapel young buck christians tried to be more pious than others, well, i wasn't so.  Because if you asked me if I loved anything more than the Lord back then, I would have said "Bill Weston", that is, if I was being honest.  And, that, my friends, is why the Lord took him away from me.  'You give and take away, you give and take away, my heart shall choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name."

But, back at 33 in the green faded bathrobe and the cooling earl grey, I admit now that I do desire the Lord more than my husband, more than anything, more than costly gold.  It took me ten years to see that, but as I said everything I went through, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, all looped me back around to right here, to the ulitmate question that God asks of all of us:  Do you love me more than these?

In Spirit and In Truth

Dinner time approaches and I haven't even practiced my singing for my audition next Tuesday, not enough hours in the day.  Every time I look for work, the door seems to get slammed shut, for no apparent reason.  Or, its just more of the waiting game.  The waiting game.  Don't you just love the waiting game?  Whatever your spiritual belief or in fact if you have none, you still hate the waiting game.  Its like waiting room, where you keep waiting for your name or  number to be called, so you can just get the hell out of there and get on with your life, because of course your mind races with all the other things you have to do that day.  Well, that reminds me of something that Bill and I have been reading in our daily devotionals: Be still! and KNOW--I AM--GOD.  Notice, the emphasis on the word "still", and how often do we complain, bipolar or no, how unstill our minds are.

Whatever the emphasis of spirituality, all those in leadership say that there should be some emphasis on stillness, prayer, readying your heart to hear from God.  And that God is not this grand explosion we should all be looking up for, but that something that starts calling us from the inside, tugging at our in most heartstrings.  Is he tugging at yours?  He's tugging at mine.  It reminds me of a scripture I read this morning:

"But the hour is now coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and in Truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."

Throughout this day, I have dealt with enough tension to drive even my 6 month old kitten away from my presence, and yes, the attivan helps get through the day, but it wasn't until I quieted myself with a good book and a glass of Cranberry juice.  (All natural, no sugar, organic, can we say, Cranberry cleanse?)  I picked up The Feminine Face Of God and was taken to their chapter on tools for the sacred garden.  This book inspired me when it said:

"Just as any plot of soil with seeds and sun and water can become a garden if there is a gardener, so can our lives come to spiritual maturity if we are willing to cultivitate them.  To cultivate, in its root form, means to inhabit, to dwell within.  Learning how to live the dailiness of our own lives while opening continually to the sacred seems to take practice--practice in opening, practice in listening, practice in waiting.  Practice also in obeying our inner direction,in speaking out when we are moved to do so, and in accepting responsibility and authority when we are called upon to be bold.  And practice also means celebrating and expressing gratitude and "making a joyful song unto the Lord".  When we enter such practices wholeheartedly, we bring to life another root meaning of cultivate: worship."


One thing that surprised me, well actually, it didn't.  See, my time in the Calvary Chapel world was spent mainly on my knees, not in sexual posing, but in prayerful repentence for that act.  I think many of my friends of that age were doing the same thing, just not admitting it.  And, yet, we pretend to be super spiritual and not talk about our indiscretions in anyway, that might damage our image of perfect sainthood.  So, we don't talk about what is really going on, which for the most part is, sex.  We don't talk about what is really going on in our heads, which for the most part is, sex.

This book writes: "I think the big, awful secret of the church and the synagogue today is that many of the religious don't know how to pray.  Sexuality is a minor issue next to this.  And, indeed, we seem to be much more comfortable talking about our sex lives than we are sharing information with each other about how we pray.  Perhaps this is because praying may be the most personal and intimate thing we do.  To pray is to be vulnerable.  And in deep, personal prayer we come to know our vulnerabilities in a way that strips us of all our defenses and pretenses.  That which is our very essence calls us into communion with mystery, and this joining is a supremely intimate experience."


So, the church should be more open about their sex life.  Most of you readers know that I had illicit affairs before marriage and because of the church held great shame in my heart because of that.  Well, this all changed when I met my husband, who I did have sex with before marriage...but with him, it was truly like saying a prayer.  There were some times when we were making love where we were united with God and could feel his presence with us.

But, to be clear, sex doesn't mean love and I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, also I had to wait eight years for that prince to come back to me.  But, girls, please don't think that because I say that prayer is like sex to go off and have sex with anyone and everyone.  That isn't the point, and I can assure you, will only end in pain.

But, what I want you to understand is this, I wish I had waited, not with my husband, but with the guys that came before him.  Because, and here we go back to the waiting room, I sat in that room and didn't look around for one guy for threee years.  I chose celibacy in order to get healthy and be whole.  I chose to focus, to pray, to meditate, and to listen for the Lord to bring the one into my life.  (And I can go back to the days before, when I swore the Lord gave me a promise that this one was the one I would marry).  But, still I had to wait, in that waiting room, with the old magazines with the perfumed ripped out of them and the crying babies, well, I learned to always take a book.  And I read, and read, and read.  And I learned a little something about myself, and about God, and about Jesus, and about others, and I also learned that I have way more to learn.

"And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise."

And in the waiting, I learned that the waiting is sometimes the best place for us, the most growing place.  Its the place that prepared me to be a wife because even with the trials I went through this last week, the attacks, and the tension, I know who my God is and I know that when trials come, as they do, you get on your knees and you pray, and when you do, God hears.  Well, God heard my prayers this week, and lots of doors got open with my mind, heart, and emotions, but also with our finances.  A job hasn't dropped into my hands yet but we will pray about that too.  And it'll come.  Good things come to those who wait.

And when I get downcast, weary, or depressed, I can turn to Hebrews and hear God tug at my heart, saying:

"We who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the anchor of our soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain."

So, dear friends, remember I am praying for you, drop me a line if you need a prayer...oh, and remember when you pray, remember to listen.

The Story Of Yellow

In the spirit of making a difference of people's lives, which I have been wondering about, and in fact, due to our recent troubles I asked my husband if I had made a difference in his life for the better...and he said that he said that I had.  In that spirit, I would like to tell a story that I kept my husband in memory of me all these years, have told to numerous children, and has been my personal anthem for my own life.

There was once a little girl named Yellow.  Everything she saw was Yellow.  Once when she was playing with her Yellow Ball it went over the Yellow wall and she chased it.  Even though her parents told her never to go beyond the yellow wall.

Well, she ran after it until she came to something that was great, big and blue and wet.  A little boy approached her and said, "Hi, I'm blue, what's your name?"  And she said, "Well, I'm yellow."  And Blue said, "Let's be friends."

So, they played and played and played.  Then, one day, when they were sitting by a tide pool, yellow noticed that wherever blue touched her she would change a weird green color.  That scared her, because she was yellow, not green.  So, she started to run and run and run.

Until, she came to a place that was very dry.  A little girl came up to her and said, "Hi, I'm red, what's your name?" And Yellow said, "I'm Yellow."  So, Red said, "Let's be friends."  So, they played and played and played.  Then one day when they were sitting by an oasis, Yellow noticed that wherever Red touched her she would turn an orange color.  So, Yellow just turned and started to cry.

Red said, "What's wrong, yellow?"  And Yellow replied, "How come anytime I get close to anyone they change me into something I am not? I am yellow, not orange or green."

Red looked at her and thought a moment and then said, "Isn't it nice that when we meet someone and then for whatever reason they pass through our lives, we take a piece of them with us, so that we are never really the same because of their difference in our lives."

Yellow thought for a moment and then said, "You are right."

So, Yellow went up to Alaska where she met white.  And Yellow said,.

"Hi, I'm Rainbow, let's be friends."

This is dedicated to my husband, this story was what bound us together all those years, to Samantha Kelman and Tara Daniels (because it is their story as much as mine), and to all my friends and loved ones who have made me into more than a yellow but a rainbow.

So, tomorrow, as you go your way, remember how big or small, the interaction you have with someone may turn them into a white or a rainbow.  Just, a thought to guide you as you head towards the end of your night.

God bless and have a pleasant tomorrow...all SNL