Well, as many of you know, a few weeks ago I ended a play entitled, "Working" based on a Studs Terkel novel.
I,
of course, played the hooker, as you can understand, wait, what, was I
type-cast? So, in a sense, I have been in recovery mode since the play
ended in what seems like ages ago, but really is a few weeks. It was
funny when I first got the part, I was feeling like I was the most
uncommitted actor to this show. I was more concerned with the actual
business of making a living than "working", and yes, I admit, that many
times I thought, "God, I can't do this, I can't pay the bills or make
money if I have this obligation." But over and over, I was told by God
to see it through, that yes, there was a reason for everything and that
it would work out as it is supposed to, even if I couldn't see it yet.
And, so, grinding my teeth, I pursued with, at least, a shred of faith
masquerading as a whole lot. (And isn't that all that God asks, that we
have just an eensy-weensy bit of faith and he will supply the rest...)
So,
I kept at it and strangely, my character and songs started to come upon
me. The character grew in me throughout the months leading up the late
rehearsals and through the process of putting on the show. And,
surprisingly, the songs that I was sure I would never get, I memorized,
danced, sang, and even put a little "drama' into them. The funny thing,
I began to learn a little bit about myself; how truly everything has a
purpose, a season, and will work out for good in the end.
My
history in theatre, and therefore in life, is one of various mountain
peaks and potholes. From the earliest of age, as soon as I could hold a
pen, I was writing, creating, putting on plays, writing plays. Without
the understanding of Shakespeare or any formal training, at a tender
age, I was constructing plays, and yes, sitcoms. I kept dreaming of
fame, fortune, success. I took a few acting classes here and there,
never was in any plays, but learned enough that it was something I
wanted to do, something that made me feel good. I also met some really
amazing friends, to be specific, my little sister, Brooke!!
There
was no drama department in my high school, really, in a high school and
middle school population that came to approximately 120 students in
totality, there was not really a department of anything, just a few
classrooms here and there where we learned a thing or two. (At one
point, and this was before I was there, the school didn't even have
walls (cubes), just open spaces with desks...and yeah, I guess the
school realized that their system was 'really taking off" so they put up
walls!) So, in high school, I pursued outside forms of creativity,
mainly voice and chorus. Back then, my dream had always been to sing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy is possibly
my favorite character ever, Judy Garland is my favorite actress, and
The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest movie ever made and the best
antidepressant ever (if you don't agree with me, we'll have to take this
outside!) So, yeah, for like an open house night, I sang "somewhere
over the rainbow". Looking back, that was the first time in my life
(besides working one summer as a babysitter so I could attain my own
phone line) where I realized that in faith, hard work, and diligence,
dreams can come true, but let's stress mostly the faith in God and the
Universe part mostly!
So, all through middle and high
school, I was the awkward, dorky one that got teased a lot. For
whatever reason, I just didn't understand how to be in society, not that
any of us did really at that age, or do now, but still there it is.
Maybe you can say it was because of "difficulty" at home that caused
this lack of confidence and self esteem or blame it on a "chemical
imbalance", who can tell? (In the beginning of high school, I got
dragged without my consent to a psych doctor that put me on Ritalin and
then prozac, never allowed to work through emotionally my problems, just
told "take the meds and you will feel better"). But, as I see now, it
all works out in the end. My singing and love for creativity in all
forms kept me going, when nothing else was working or felt right,
somehow I found myself in that, and eventually led me on the path to my
higher power, God, Jesus, the Great Spirit, what have you....and I met
some pretty awesome friends along the way.
So, I got to my
Senior year and I am about ready to graduate and my parents and I have
this conversation about what to pursue. They keep pushing me to write
and to take classes in writing, and I say that I want to do acting and
singing, and that I am already a good writer, and they say but with
classes I can get better...but its still, yeah, I want to do this.
My
first college year I landed at San Francisco State University, which is
completely random and just weird that it ever happened, so much of me
has changed since that first crazy year. I took my GE classes (almost
flunked out my first semester), took acting one, creative writing, and
singing. In acting, I was a shy and timid little girl that hungered for
fame or what have you but was just too afraid to take a chance, But,
that year I had this drama teacher (Mr. Washington, not Denzel, I forget
his first name) told me "you have the talent and can do it" (I remember
that even if I don't remember his name, only that my friend, Heather
and I, would mistakenly call him "denzel").
I left that
school after a year, the first of my friends to leave. For whatever
reason, SFSU is a school where people don't really graduate, a few do,
but most just pass through. Its like a train station, you come in, stay
for awhile, until the next train leads you on. I picked up the skill
of being in school and became comfortable in a big city, with new, crazy
ideas and lifestyle choices, mostly Southern Californians who laughed
at us Northern Calis because we said "hella". I ended up back at my
Junior College where I again pursued drama and writing amongst taking
general ed requirements. I was more comfortable in my drama class. I
liked the teacher and I liked my partner in dramatic crime, Michael.
Yeah, okay, so after the class ended, the teacher seduced me and then
left me, forgot about me. and moved to the East Coast and yeah, because
of that, I withdrew more and more into my pain, but hey, I learned about
life and all its sorrows, and gained another great friend, who is in
effect, a hanger-on. (A friend that lasts plus decade and through
whatever crap you throw at them or go through with them, they are still
there smiling and holding your hand at the end of it, the hangers on!)
To be completely honest, this guy and the friends from SFSU never
stopped encouraging me to follow my dreams, write, and pursue theatre
even when I lost heart.
So, after a random running around
through the streets of Europe, I ended up in Ashland, Oregon, the town I
was born to live in, to attend Southern Oregon University, where, yes, I
pursued theatre. Because of the evil drama teacher experience, my
anxiety started to set in. I had to audition for acting one and I
failed. I lost heart and the anxiety grew worse and worse, further
more, I blamed myself for failing. I became depressed. stressed,
anxious all the time, and sick at heart. About half way through that,
fate dealt another hand of fortune by guiding me to take acting classes
at RCC with a teacher by the name of John Cole. Not knowing the exact
nature of the turmoil I was going through, he gave me Nina from The
Seagull to work on, and she has remained my character and her story has
and is mine. As I was abused my drama teachers and such, so was Nina
mistreated by those in the fame and fortune world and her line:
"He
didn't believe in the theatre, all my dreams he'd laugh at, and little
by little I quit believing in it myself, and lost heart. And there was
the strain of love, jealousy, constant anxiety...I got to be small and
trashy, and played without thinking..."
pretty much sums up all that was going on in my life, both internally and externally, at that time.
I finally left theatre behind, seemingly forever, during my junior year
and ended up in Human Communication. (Met some great peeps too, a
shout out to, Rick and Audrey, to name a few). Along the way through
the theatre craziness, I found God along the way, rather, he rescued
me.
So, after college, I ended up teaching preschool and
babysitting. A part of me thought I was settling for what life could
give me and that my dreams would never come true so just do whatever do
what you can and hope something comes on, just make do and try to have
some fun. Looking back, I think working with children affected my
outlook on life because it forced me to care for someone else's needs
besides my own and so therefore took away any selfish ambition and made
me focus on a greater sense of purpose, one that outlasts mine. Yeah, I
remember everybody saying you are making a difference in these kids
lives, but, really, those kids made an even bigger difference in mine.
Around
that time, I wandered purposelessly into a cafe (but remember
everything has a reason) and fell in love with my soul mate. However, I
didn't know he was my soul mate and neither did he (everybody else saw
it though) until well after I had moved far far away and several years
and years of prayers and heartbreak later....thankfully he took me back
or something.
So, I ended up getting dragged back to
California on the insisting of my parents who, basically, signed me up
for a teaching program at Sonoma State but, remember everything works
for good, right? So, I ended up back in my home state of California,
where I got a teaching credential, went crazy, faced my demons, made to
feel more shame for myself than what God would want of me from the
cults, I mean, churches I belonged to, apologized for the wrongs I had
done and got blamed for the things I hadn't done, was given pills
instead of getting help with the core issues, felt like I was seen as a
"Jezebel"...until I could take it no longer and fate, the great hand of
God, brought me back where I belong, Oregon, Ashland, home.
As Dorothy says when she returns home from OZ, I say about Calfornia:
"I
remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was
beautiful...But all the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, was I
want to go home (to Ashland) and they sent me home..."
Right
after I left Oregon, I started writing this play about my time at the
cafe where I met my true love. I had no idea why I was writing it but I
was pulled by some compulsion to write it and write it and keep writing
it. My friends would laugh at me and make jokes about it. But, I was
driven. I thought, I don't know, there is a story here and I got to
write it....but what was the story, that I loved this man whose name I
have attached to mine and whose ring is on my finger. A few months
before he came back into my life, I finished that play after 6 years of
endlessly writing it, throwing it aside, picking it up, editting,
writing....and then done. It seems strange to think about it now, that I
could be so driven to write...but hey, everything has its purpose in
the end. I got everything I hoped for and yet more than I could ever
imagine, like, more than I could ask or think...and yet the exact answer
to my prayers and heart's desire. And, its funny, as many as these
friends from the cult, wait, church advised me to stay away from the
"non-christian world" and specifically this man, I couldn't help
praying, and waiting...and wondering if I would ever love, when he, my
husband, is the only one that can understand me when no one else, even
those who claim to be my family in Christ doesn't...perhaps they don't
even really understand love at all or even God, but that's not my place
to say...who are so hung up by their intrepretation of the scripture,
and yes I was there too, they miss the real meaning of Christ's love,
and to that I have found in my 'scary-dark boy"...so, maybe these
friends of mine are right, maybe I sinned by sleeping with him before
marriage (shh...don't tell), but, you know, it all worked out in the end
and as the song goes...'what I did for love..." (Honestly, being
married to my Mr. Weston has taught me so much about God's love and
faithfulness and commitment to him, my vows, other people than any bible
study or lecture ever could...hmm, who knew?)
So, in
effect, Bill coming back into my life and marrying me and me coming back
to Ashland is a "dream", an answer to prayers...and yet so much more.
And, something that through thick and thin, Bill and I try to do is to
pursue our dreams, to follow our paths, to do what we love...and trust
that everything else will fall into place, and it has....with faith,
diligence, prayer, love, commitment, in the face of all adversity, when
all else seems to fail and everything seems at the brink of
extinction...our love and our faith brings us through and provides over
and abundantly more than we ever thought...So much of my life, I was
told to walk the line, to follow somebody else's plan for my life, their
purpose and their definition of success for my life, whether it be my
father's or the self-imposed religiousity of a few "christians" i knew,
who would stand around and talk about how all they wanted to do was
"serve God"....but in how? In all of that, I never gave up my desire
for theatre and writing...and felt laughed at or looked down upon for
even thinking of that or pushed into an area that didn't really fit for
me but was somebody else's imposed direction for my life...
So,
finally, as God opens doors, I go through them day by day, inch by inch
with faith and hope for the best and trust...and I learn a few things
about myself, God, and love.
A few years ago, I decided
that I was unable to work due to the necessity to get healthy and made
the choice to go on disability. The first thing I realized was "what is
my purpose if not to work" and how to explain who I am without a job. I
actually experienced this in real life, when after introducing myself
to someone, they asked "so what do you do?"
And, in that moment, I
had no idea what to say...so I began to think and came to the
conclusion, as Amanda McKenney (a character in Working) says "Jobs
aren't big enough for people", in effect, our job is not our identity.
And learned, as she puts it, "I am Julia, at certain points in time, I
do things for a living."
Okay, after Amanda says her bit,
and her SATAN boss comes in and talks about his VALUES, like 20 minutes
or so later, I come on dressed as THE HOOKER and say "you become your
job" and the funny thing is, I, kind of, can see that now, but
strangely in a positive way.
Like I was saying, Bill and I
encourage each other to follow our dreams and our choice of paths,
passions, desires, loves and so too I encourage my friends to do the
same, and hopefully, they are as blessed as well. But, even so, I still
dont' want to define myself as a job, but lately, I have picked up
several roles or positions and would willingly accept them as a title,
because after all they are my choice, my passion, and will follow the
roads they take me on as life goes alone...these hats I wear, roles I
play are actress, writer, nanny, teacher, wife, kitty-mommy, friend,
sister, aunt, so yes, when you look at in this light, you become your
job....and for this, I am grateful.
I am also grateful for
Bill and his love and friendship and for just being himself around me,
and once again for the hangers-on. I wouldn't be where I am without
them, their encouragement, their patience, their love...to name a few,Frank Cristofer Montague , Woo Baby, Lee Lancaster, Tony Fleisher, and even for those
that life directed us apart for a time but have brought us back
together, such as Corky Gardner and Michelle Gray and, yes, John Cole
My
advice to you, whether you be starting out in your adventure or on a
new path, follow your dreams, your passions, your hearts...do what you
love and the rest will follow, and remember as Nina says:
"Now
I know, I understand, (Kostya), that in our work--acting or
writing--what matters is not fame, not glory, not what I used to dream
about, its how to endure, to bear my cross, and have faith. I have
faith and it all doesn't hurt me so much, and when I think of my calling
I'm not afraid of life."
And remember, these three remain, faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love.
