Friday, March 24, 2023

Model I Am #lifemodel #artmodel #actor #thrivingartist

Sitting in a California café in my late twenties, a friend sitting beside me, who had a wee crush on me, made the off-hand commented, "She should be a model." I, jokingly pointed to my face, full of hard acne at the time from Lithium and other psychotropic medicines and side effects from yet undiagnosed celiac disease, "Not with this face!"

Yet, deep underneath the need to detract from the compliment, I held an inner gratitude for the friend's comment.  For throughout my whole life, I had had a desire never yet to be tried for, deeply buried with the hopes of pleasing others whose choices for my life reversed my own journey, to pursue the creative professions such as performance and modeling.  In my earlier twenties, I had tried my hand at pursuing theatre in college only to feel more beaten down by both the rejections of that profession along side the continual abuse of a toxic boyfriend among other negative inputs.  I had watched enviously as friends' modeled au natural for art classes and workshops, inwardly wishing I had the guts to do that while outwardly proclaiming the Christian rhetoric of likening it to the striptease or even pornography. 

Finally, in my early married life, struggling to find work with a husband who not only abused me but would disappear into his own mind of psychotic conspiracies, I finally took the stage at a local art gallery for the first time as life model.  Yet not too successfully the first time, I continued forth on that journey, at last scoring a recurring gig as a model for the local university and community college from about 2014 until present day.  This impetus to pursue this profession came on the heels of my auditioning for my first play and successfully being cast, followed by several other voyages into the theatre world.  

Eventually, this actively choosing and carving out my own path led to my freedom from my abusive husband and continual release from other toxic relations.  As I further stepped boldly into being true to myself, healing continued in full force, and the knowledge of success as a place of inner peace became  a mainstay.  

In recent years, during the pause and reset of the lockdown of Covid19, I was able to reflect upon my life, my connections therein, and realize the fullness of what I have achieved without fully acknowledging or realizing my own successful abilities.  From years of personal abuse history, I still found it necessary to downplay and degrade my successes, strengths, and self-worth.  Furthermore, the years of fundamentalist Christianity as well the left over puritanical beliefs still lingering even today upon our society, kept me from fully appreciating my career as life model, that a good portion of my income has come from such source for nearly a decade, and I have become sought after in that way.

Perhaps, all that long ago, my friend's comment was a prophecy, that which, was meant to lead me to my true calling if only I would be obedient to my inner voice and desire.  


Thursday, March 23, 2023

Lovelink Night Court Style: Roz matches with a cat! #nightcourt #lovel...

In this episode, Roz deepens her feelings for Eve, taunts Austin the convict, has a date with the cam-girl (meh), and matches with a cat. (It's not what you think!)

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

Ostara Awakens, My Story of Becoming #ostara #eostre #springequinox #wiccan #bornagain #goddess

Twenty years ago today USA went to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein? Al Quada? 911? WMDs? Oil?
Twenty years ago today I met a group of friends at a cafe who challenged my budding religious beliefs, discussing pagan understandings over bottomless cups of coffee and wine, a guide revealing my heart reaching out to reclaim.
Twenty years ago today I locked eyes for the first time with the man I would eventually marry...ten years ago today I received divorce papers from him. The best revenge I could give him, and myself, was knowing now that it was the beginning of my path to real freedom.

Throughout my life, flowers have been representations of deepening my understanding of my spiritual growth and reality of my connection with the divine in nature, that of, both the masculine and feminine, the god and the goddess. In my years of romantic inclinations then later in the "Jesus Freak" years, the rose held strong significance and meaning upon my heart. Numerous meanings based on the different color of the flower, yellow for friendship, red for passion and romance, white for divine. The moment I "accepted Jesus as my savior", way back when in the flush of the newness of that religion, I imagined two long stem roses placed in my outstretched palms. Later on, caught up in the throes of singing in unison with the other churchgoers, I would imagine rose petals descending from the heavens upon all, imagining it to be a representation of the Holy Spirit. This figurative image in my mind may have been connected with the Christian religion at the time yet the rose has a long history of imagery among other spiritual practices and in literature. For me, it was a personal identification of connectivity with that which I longed for within, healing and unconditional love.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose

I have always found the daffodil to be as much enchanting for my soul. Seemingly lighter, almost fairy and ethereal with its brighter colors of yellow and white, the daffodil embodies to me an awakening to new life, a beginning of spring emerging, light overcoming the darkness. Such a symbol was deepened unto my life when my soul sister, Katy, driving down from Portland for my wedding day, parked along the highway, a somewhat perilous undertaking, to pick daffodils for my event. A memory I cherish regardless of the memory of the darkness of the marriage as her love and loyalty towards me is reflected through the golden flower.

The reality of the flower emerging from the dark soil, as in Bette Midler's song, is one that reveals to me the awakening, the coming, the reality of the Goddess Ostara. Ostara, so-called by the pre-Christian Germanic spiritual practices, is the Goddess of Spring. She is known as the bringer of light, fertility, of new birth and new growth. The British Saxons translated her name to Eostre, later morphed into Easter. Then, the Christian holiday honoring the resurrection of Jesus has its connections in Pagan roots. In fact, with the story of birth and resurrection, so to, begins with the pagan tradition of the birth of the light during Yule, winter solstice, or even Jesus' birthday celebrated on December 25th, traveling towards the renewal and resurrection of life in the Spring. A long held belief and practice expanding all spiritual and religious practices throughout the ages. Noteworthy to honor regardless of spiritual or religious affiliation, or none whatsoever. The acknowledgment of the joy of feeling the return of the warmth of longer days is one that all can fully appreciate and find benefit.
Through it all, the moments of depression, gratitude, contemplating that in every ending there is always a beginning, thus this day, March 20th, Spring Equinox has always been and will always be a monumental day of transformation, release, and beginning anew, what lies ahead, I can only imagine, but if history is an indicator, then it will be what leads me further into authenticity. For me, being authentic means being real and accountable to every facet of myself, acknowledging all of me, faults and all, appreciating all the good and the bad that has come across my path, as it made me who I am. For freedom cannot become until acceptance of all, especially the darkness, once done, the cleansing occurs and true light emerges from within.

Twenty years ago today USA went to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein? Al Quada? 911? WMDs? Oil?
Twenty years ago today I met a group of friends at a cafe who challenged my budding religious beliefs, discussing pagan understandings over bottomless cups of coffee and wine, a guide revealing my heart reaching out to reclaim.
Twenty years ago today I locked eyes for the first time with the man I would eventually marry...ten years ago today I received divorce papers from him. The best revenge I could give him, and myself, was knowing now that it was the beginning of my path to real freedom.

Happy Equinox! Happy Ostara
Happy anniversary to me.

We turn from the darkness and the wise Crone within
We turn to the Maiden and creation begins
It's a time for things growing and time now for flowing
A time now for sowing the seeds of your dreams.

For more on Ostara:

Sunday, March 5, 2023

Lovelink Night Court Edition: A Bailiff & A Prisoner #nightcourt #loveli...

In this episode of Lovelink Night Court Edition, Roz meets Austin Russo, a prisoner, and she decides maybe she, as a bailiff, can help him. Or not. Who knows? Watch & see!

Saturday, March 4, 2023

2013 Then, 2023 Now: How I Went From Survivor To Thriver #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticviolence #recovery #codependency


In scriptwriting, be it for stage or screen, there is a moment wherein the story bursts forth, the drama continuing to deepen, grow, build until the rush of the climax, resulting in the resolution of the denouement.  This moment is referred to as the "inciting incident"

 In my life looking back, I can visualize my own 'monumental inciting incident', wherein from that moment forth all sense of who I am and how I orchestrated within my life changed.  The day itself, February 24, 2013, an Oscar awards Sunday, yet I was not watching for I was giving the Oscar award winning performance of mine own on my front porch, tearfully with the pain repressed from over two years of an embittered battleground of a marriage involving a domestic abusive partner, I released all anguish, watching as what I once believed to be my first and truest love descend backwards and outwards of my life.  

For my personal 'inciting incident', I knew of it not at the time, but rather knew only that I was finished, could no longer willingly receive the crazy-making, toxic abuse from my wedded partner in my own home, in my own heart, his torrent of abuse and psychotic lies pouring over me seemingly without provocation.  No, on that Sunday in 2013, all I wanted was a relief, to breathe, to sigh, to sleep without fear...and so I did what I never imagined myself possible: I kicked my first love out the door of my life, my heart, and lived to tell the story.

Looking back now, I can see what I was unable to see then, the amount of steadfast and supportive love from new friends and faithful old who came around me in large and small ways.  A neighbor holding me whilst I sobbed out tears, saliva, snot, a mess of all the build up from two years of trauma and torture, a friend sacrificing her Oscar viewing to listen and encourage, an old friend who I thought hated me on the phone encouraging me with kindness, emails pouring in from others.  Then, in the days and weeks unfolding, an adventure of both high and low, laughter and sobbing would unfold.  New room-mates would take over the apartment with me, whose presence in my life was filled with late night chats, living room dance sessions, laughing until all hours of the night, and encouragement of warmth when I sobbed, a kind hand on my shoulder when I awoke from a night terror, a leftover shred from the nightmare.

But, that moment of breaking free from my abusive ex-husband was larger than what it seemed at the time.  In the weeks and months that followed, I began to see the other connections of which I had once held important and yet were at best toxic, at worst abusive.  It was then in those early days after the dramatic monologue on Oscar Sunday 2013, that I began the painful process of deconstructing from the teachings of Christianity, fully seeing this fundamentalist worldview for what it was, what it became, and seeing that the practices they preached which would save were more barriers towards my freedom and fully knowing myself.  Thus, I began the slow process of exploring, questioning, dipping my toe into conversation with "I was part of a cult", and finally finding connection with other like-minded souls who listened, who shared, and through our shared journeys laughing, we held each other finding shared healing. Sunday mornings were no longer a duty to be served, the Bible no longer the commanding truth, I no longer felt convicted for exploring my own wants or needs, and no longer labeling myself a "Jesus Freak" was not a death toll for my soul's march towards perdition.  Today, I can cherish as a part of my personal soul journey, lovingly gifting those I traveled with the gift of gratitude.

The years tumbled forth and I continuously began the process of finding my voice, on stage, on screen, and in real life, increasingly I found love from a variety of faces, from those who had witnessed my great, big monologue, from those whose presence in my life was before, and new ones who joined alongside, all becoming a beacon of my coming more fully into myself, my power, my self love.  

The truth I realize now is that it has been love that has sustained me throughout my life, even in the darkest of times, through times I could not see, that love was ever available.  If for a season, it came from outward, those faithful who have walked with me, seen me at my darkest when I seemed unworthy, their belief in me and my worthiness of love never ceased.  They saw me when I could not.  

It was the greatness of love throughout all of my life that kept me persevering, kept me alive, gave me strength upon strength to overcome abuse, whether it be a toxic partner, a world-view, a friend, that love was great enough to sustain, to uplift, patient to wait.  

Now, here I find myself, ten years later, feeling younger than I was previous, for I feel lighter and I find within myself that love, not only from an external source, but bubbling up from within.  

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Sunday, February 26, 2023

Jimmy Carter: He Led The Way #39thpresident

This last week 98 year old (former) President Jimmy Carter announced that he will be commencing with hospice "end of life" care, spending his remaining days with his sweetheart of 95 years, wife Rosalynn.  (They originally met when he was a toddler and her an infant, then re-connected after his service in the military.)  As I read the news, I was struck with both the bitterness of the final farewell and a nostalgic gratitude for this 'servant of the people'.  Too young and barely born when Carter was President, my understanding of Jimmy Carter was more than just a former politician but the spear-head of Habitat for Humanity working tirelessly for the care of the less fortunate well into his latter years.  The commentary being that he took the loss of his pursuit for second term to continue to serve in a more far reaching arena.  With this scant knowledge, I took to my 'Ecosia' search engine to find out all things President Carter in the hopes of discovering the reasons for such esteem and respect.  

Pouring through article upon article detailing his political career, to commentary on his faith, beliefs both political and religious, comparing him to the current political climate, conspiracy theories surrounding his loss of the presidency, I concluded that without the efforts and person of Jimmy Carter, both the successes and the failures, the path for other common folk seeking political office would not be readily available.  Without Jimmy Carter's reaching the highest office yet maintaining his 'man of the people and peanut farmer' self, I believe the likes of Bernie Sanders, Barack Obama, Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, Pete Buttigieg, and even those upstarts on the crazy MAGA right (you know who) would not have had access or even the ability to believe they could run for public office.  

Born James Earl Carter, Jr on October 1st, 1924 in Plains, Georgia, the son of James Carter, a successful peanut farmer and store owner, and Lillian, a registered nurse who in the 1920s crossed racial division counseling black women on health care issues.  The family was deeply religious and active in the Southern Baptist church.  In recent years, however, Jimmy Carter has come against the beliefs of the SBC for their discrimination against women in his infamous "Losing my religion for equality op-ed.  

Although he attended an all-white high school, Carter espoused beliefs of anti-segregation based on his personal convictions from positive influences through healthy connections to several black loved ones, such as his nanny and childhood friends.  Despite the 1954 Brown V. Board of Education case which banned segregation of public schools, those in the rural South disagreed with the ruling and sought to continue the ways of the 'Old South'.  However, Carter was the only white town in his town refusing to join the segregation group "White Citizens' Council" resulting in a letter on his front door declaring "Coons and Carters Go Together".  

He began his political career on the local board of education which led to his run for State Senator as he saw a need for a 'new southerner' in politics to reflect the rights of the rural poor and those inflicted by racism.  In 1962, he won his State Senate campaign as a Democrat against Homer Moore, although due to fraudulent vote counts, Homer was initially declared the winner.  Carter appealed the election and this fraudulence was discovered.  During Carter's two terms as senator, he was known as tough and independent succeeding to curb wasteful spending and always remaining a steadfast advocate for civil rights.  After his terms ended, he briefly considered running for US House of Representatives, but instead decided to run for governor of Georgia.  His liberal and progressive stance failed to win him the election as much of the South disagreed staunchly with the Civil Rights Movement.  However,  Carter would return to fight for the office of governor, this time with an opposing tactic, seeking the approval of the white rural voters who had once rejected him by seemingly to reject his pro-views on desegregation and Civil Rights.  This confused many and he was labeled a 'racist southerner', however, after he run the election in 1970, he immediately returned to his progressive beliefs by calling for an end to segregation, increasing the number of Black officials in the political offices by 25 %, and fought for education and prison reform.  (When I read this, I laughed because personally I loved how he played the bigots and political schemers at their own game and once elected he stood by his convictions doing what was the most humane for the people.  Why not? I feel this can be mimicked by the current politicians, play the players at their own game and win.)

Towards the end of his term of governor in 1974, he announced his bid for United States president.  Without much political backing and funding, Carter was tireless in his campaign raising finances on his own and winning over a broad constituency.  In the time after the Watergate Scandal, Carter was seen as directly opposite with his honesty and candor, appearing to be 'one of the people'.  For himself, he always opposed the Hollywoodization and scheming of  politicians, declaring himself an outsider in Washington, DC as a man of strong principles and integrity.

His tenure as president was marked with high degrees of success reflecting his position as a 'political outsider'.  Because of this, he went into office highly trusted by the people as he refused to play the game and take advice from Washington, DC politicians, instead surrounding himself in his cabinet with Georgian officials of which he had worked with previously.  His first action in office was to pardon the draft dodgers of the Vietnam War.  Then, he went on to return the control of the Panama Canal to Panama, restored diplomacy with China, and halted the manufacture of nuclear weapons which alienated the conservative Republicans.  However, he was not pro-Democrat nor did he choose one side above the other, as he also alienated the liberals when he refused to spend much money to invigorate the economy or fund social programs.

He continued to market himself as a man of the people, standing up for civil rights and liberties, employing many women in his cabinet and offices, yet despite this and a large Democratic influence, Congress blocked his plan for welfare reform and a long-range energy program.  Another mark against him was his views against the oil industry and its influence in politics coupled with his desire for alternate forms of energy as well as environmental concerns.  His highest concern and focus was then and has always been for human rights both nationally and throughout the world. 

His presidential term was not without scandal and conflict.  During his time as president, the country was in a deep recession and despite his best efforts he appeared unable to help the country return to financial stability.  In addition, some of his cabinet and closest friends were supposedly linked with shady financial dealings, such as Bert Lance, the director of the Office of Management and Budget, who, was although later found not guilty, marred the public's perception of Jimmy Carter.  

These would then be used as fodder to assist those against Jimmy Carter. Being the 'outsider in Washington' along with the alienation of the status quo in Washington, DC would prove his downfall when he ran for re-election.  In 1979, a group of angry Iranian students stormed the US embassy holding hostage many Americans, protesting against the arrival of the deposed Iranian shah, Mohammad Reza Shah Pahlavi in the United States for medical treatment, an action supported by Iran’s revolutionary government, led by Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.  Although Carter remained firm in his negotiations with Iran, he was unable to free the hostages which was the final mark against his winning the election for second term as President.  

Thus, former actor and governor of California, Ronald Reagan, took office and his first action was to work with the Iranian government freeing the hostages.  This action has been historically mired with much controversy, with many conspiracy theorists professing that Reagan, Bush, Sr, and Kissinger, worked in secret with the Iranian officials to orchestrate the freedom of the hostages, helping to win Ronald Reagan the election. October Surprise conspiracy theory

Jimmy Carter's post-presidential life has been one of much success and admiration, from his work with Habitat for Humanity and other human rights aid, contributing to him winning the Nobel Peace prize in 2002, his coming out against the Southern Baptist Convention's beliefs on women's subservience, his opposition of the conservative Christian's views on homosexuality (Jimmy Carter: ‘I believe that Jesus would approve of gay marriage’), his views that Church and State should be separate, as well as continuing to be a staunch advocate for human and civil rights.  His position as Georgian politician stands in stark contrast to the newer Georgian politicians, see: From Carter to M.T.G.: What a Peach State Plummet

President Jimmy Carter was and is a servant for all, a man of the people, and will always be remembered as such.

For more information and to support Habitat for Humanity,

Friday, February 10, 2023

Lovelink & Night Court: The Cam Girl Edition

In this episode, Roz chats with a cam-girl who she isn't too sure about. Will she choose this match or will she take a pass?

#lovelink #tindersim #gamingcommunity #gamerlife #nightcourt