Nine Months or Days Away...

For most of you readers know, I have thrown caution to the wind (not literally as there is not a person named "caution" and throwing said person to the wind would be unneccessarily cruel...well, depends on the person) and have gone forward with pursuing my childhood dreams of acting, not stardom, singing, and writing---and now dance thrown into the mix (Yikes!)

With increasing support from friends and the ever present help of my creator, I put myself through the some time, not so humiliating, process of auditions (the theatre world around here is candy-land, comparatively).  In truth, the tiring part is the grueling process of preparing monologues for said 'try-outs', as finding the time in a 'cramped schedule' is difficult, to say the least.

So, without further ado, I recently was given the part of the Butcher, or as we shall now know as "Mrs. Bissett" (in my mind, Francine), as I was graciously (?) allowed into the family of Randallians in their Christmas performance of, Scrooge, The Magical Musical.  This yet to be lovely production opens December 12th (to a sold-out audience) at the already lovely Randall Theatre of Medford.

The issue is, at this time, up to last night, we all feel very ill-prepared and worried about the fast-approaching opening night with increasing trepidation, more so, than former plays that have trespassed across the boards.  In weak encouragement, we try to leave each other with the ol' meme, a la Shakespeare In Love, "It'll work out"...with response from hearer..."How?"...and the come-back..."It's a Mystery!"

Until last night, I, myself, felt uncertain if I could really pull it through...maybe its the negative feedback of a so-called best friend who when I posted, jokingly, that I "must rehearse"--responded "why bother? You'll just fail anyway..." or something to that affect.

Last night, we the cast, mostly, and not the directorial staff, came together to rehearse on our own.  Before our work, we came together in a circle and talked about our insecurities, frustrations, worries...and something magical happened, we started to became a unit, a family...it became an "all for one, one for all"---as we put our hands together and yelled out in unison (the first time?): "Scrooge!"

We're genna do this, folks! Come hell or high water, something "fantastic" (in the words of the Doctor) will occur.

As one of our fearless (fearful?) leaders quipped, that after the run-thrus, work-thrus, final dress rehearsal, it'll get worse...(Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence)...However, I heard,

"It'll get birthed!"

So, that's what's going to happen over the next four days and then some, a baby will be birthed, a life will be formed, a "magical miracle of musical excellence" will develop....

Believe it, folks, it'll happen! That's the magic of theatre, and the grit and sweat of some overly-hard-working actors and crew with day-jobs and "lives"(really?)...

So, to my dear cast & crew, I leave you with the word I expressed to my darling "babe" at the start of the production:

Alon-sy!

Scrooge opens to the public December the 14th (the dearest day in all the year...) at the little theatre that could.

Y-Camp, Yay, Y-Camp!

Lately, I have been thinking about Ravencliff.  Where I went to for three years during high school as a camp 'counselor'.  (I say in '' because I was actually a C-ILT, but I tell people that I was a counselor because it makes me feel better..).  Regardless, I have been thinking about it.  In certain circles, we, Ravencliffers, would refer to it as 'camp' and knew in the back of our minds that is was affiliated with the YMCA, but, ultimately, Ravencliff was just Ravencliff.  It was truly my first experience with spirituality and contemplating the divine.  In all the turmoil that I was going through during my high school years (at home mostly), there was always Ravencliff and I looked forward to it every summer.  Just closing my eyes, I can see it in my mind.  How the light falls on the creek in the afternoon, the coolness of chapel in the early mornings, the long trek up the hill to the cabins, the rustic beauty of the cabins, the rock where we all carved our names....

I don't often spend time thinking about it, Ravencliff comes to mind every 6 months for a fleeting thought, but ultimately its always there.

It sometimes seems odd to think of all the things I have done such as Ravencliff.  Just two weeks every summer for three years is a small amount of time but the influence it has had on my mind and heart is outlasting.  I always thought of it as sort of a little joke, you know, the meme: "That Ol' Ravencliff Magic"...but it is truly real.  Whenever I have needed it, that magic has been there, giving me the strength I need, even now, years after I have left.  I have always wanted to go back, but now I wonder, do I need to?  Is it too late? Am I too old?

I recently was watching youtube and somehow found some videos referring to Y-Camps, so I typed in Ravencliff, just to see.  There it was, kids, most likely high school counselors (as I had been), had taken their cellphones or their digital cameras and filmed campfire so then they could go and instantly upload it, perhaps.  It was funny to see and not in the least bit odd.  Having technology there at Ravencliff seemed a degradation of something holy; when I was at camp, there were no cellphones at all, the internet was just starting out and hadn't really taken off, and we didn't even have digital cameras.  No, we had the ol' fashioned film cameras, where you couldn't see how the photo came out until you took the three or four rolls of film  to the store where you forked over 10 dollars or so to get them developed, remember glossy and double print..which means no way of controlling how many pictures you could take, so make it a good one!

 I now know a little of why I find so many people, after 'camp, that I connect with and its because they, too, seem to have some of that 'camp feel' to me, even if they never set foot on the upper playing field (UPF), or smelled the chocolate factory, or went through the nightly ritual of the ragger's creed....So, I accept the love and connection of these new 'campers' in life, with hopes to instill some of that 'ol Ravencliff magic' into their lives!

There's No Place Like Home!

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things are ahead, I press forward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."--Philippians 3:13-14

 I have some issues regarding the common translation of this verse.  I know what it says, to not focus on what is behind and reach forward.  But, too often, I fear that Christians take it too literally in that trying to 'forget what is behind', they hinder their own personal healing and growth that the Lord offers them.

A few years back, I was led back to my home-town, for the purpose I thought, was to attend graduate school, but in the end that only got me 12,000 dollars in debt! In my heart of hearts, I resented the fact that I had to leave Ashland, of which had not only been my place of residence, but had come to be, and always had been, my true home on this 'swiftly-turning planet'.  But looking back (no pun intended), I see now that my purpose in moving back to the place where I was reared was to cut out all that is within me from my past that was hindering me from moving forward in my walk with God.  In a word, looking backwards helped me to let go, reach forward, and press on to the "upward call".  Without that time of introspection and realization of my anger, unresolved pain, bitterness, and abuse from family, friends, even the church (something I still deal with today, "Jesus never said everyone was lovable, right? That's why he made the church!"), I would not have found the amazing freedom of true healing and the pathway to not only receiving forgiveness for myself but for those who hurt me in the past, present, and even the future.  By looking back, as well, into the ways I have wronged others, I am free to forgive those that hurt me by recognizing how I have done damage myself.  So, I urge you, my Christian brother and sister, if you have been told by the leadership of the church or even other parishners, to forget what is behind, not to obey this until you have made peace with yourself and allowed God to 'work out' the pain that needs to be released.  Only in that, in my experience, will you be able to move forward to your glorious calling and a true freedom.

I resent, as well, the popular thought around the church that "feelings are  evil".  In truth, I had a friend outside the church, a nonbeliever of  sorts,  who always has expressed the need for me to "feel my feelings" and that has been the truth path-way to abiding deeper and more closely with the Lord.  In my own thought process, feelings are just feelings, they are not bad or good, but merely feelings."  Feelings do not necessarily have any significance of a notion of evil or sin, they just are.  I have found when I start to feel a feeling, if I acknowledge to myself and allow myself to 'experience that emotion' (not necessarily by expressing it outwardly), it passes away and I am able to continue forward.  Later on, I am able to examine why the emotion was felt and truly let that be healed.

Well, during my struggles back in the childhood stomping grounds, I often longed to be once-again in my true 'home-town' of Ashland, Oregon.  I cannot explain to those who are not called to this place just why and how I feel this to be my place, and even if I travel or live elsewhere, I know that this is always where my heart resides.  And truly, home is where the heart dwells!  But, I know this was where I was supposed to be, at some point, I was meant to return.  I would often find myself fleeing the confines of the California residence and escaping to a kind of 'spiritual retreat' to Ashland.  All my friends that reside here, who truly know the magic of the town, knew that I would one day move back.  I felt this too, but I know now that I could not return until God had accomplished in me what he needed to internally in that place.  But, as I say with my favorite movie herione, Dorothy Gale, "There is no place like home" or rather, "There is no place like Ashland!"

I hope my readers will themselves go back into their past, deal with it, acknowledge their hurts and how they have hurts others, and then truly move on.  You may not have to physically go back to a place, but there may be 'a place that resides within' that you need to travel to, and become truly free.

So, at that time, I pray you can say the words I have longed to express to my Ashland friends (about my time in California and all that entitled):

"Truly, this was a real live place, and I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful--But, all I kept saying was, I want to go home! I want to go to Ashland--And they sent me home!"

And also, the lesson Dorothy learned, I have learned in that:

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

Truly, friends, there is no place like....Ashland, Oregon!

He who has ears, let him hear

A fixed moment in time...

Humor me, once more, as I foray into another random connection between Doctor Who and my faith in Christ.  When the Doctor travels, he often speaks of the idea that there are fixed moments in time, as in when he and Donna traveled back to Pompeii, knowing that the destructive volcanic eruption could not be changed or it would alter the entire scope of world history. 

This brings me to my next point: what is the fixed moment in time of our own lives that we would want the Doctor to change?  My mind thinks back to the time of Christ's crucifixation.  What would be the implications if the Doctor somehow rescued Jesus?  In fact, a matter of opinion, this would alter the whole perspective of faith for many, and singularly for me.  Would still our sins be forgiven, our trespasses be wiped out?  And, then, would Christ go willingly with the Doctor? Can you even imagine the conversation between the Doctor and Jesus?  I am sure the correction of mind and heart would come not from our Doctor but instead from the greatest of all physicians.  (Hmm, food for thought?)

Okay, I bring this up because, honestly, I often find myself, looking up and wondering if HE is really out there and if HE would actually come for me, really not thinking of Jesus here, folks, but thinking of The Doctor, which thought then convicts me.  Because of whom is the true savior of the world, who really loves the world....and who is real and who is really coming back and was, and is, and is to come...

So, yes, if the Doctor was real, I'd want him to come back and, yes, I would go traveling with him.  But, still knowing, as we see from the 'endless end of the world' finales, he never quite conquers the world's problems, we, humans, are always getting ourselves once again into a jam.  But, as written in Hebrews, Christ conquered sin and death once and for all and with our hearts on him, we need not fear the tribulation to come!

All this to say, I would find myself interested if The Doctor took me back to the time of Christ's crucifixation, but would I want anything to change.  Perhaps, giving the male disciples a piece of my mind (John excluded, of course)!  But, all in all, I would want this moment to be fixed for all time...

But, as I said, I look to the sky above, wondering if the Doctor, or someone of his sort, really exists and if he would really come for me...but then, yes, there is Someone and, yes in fact, He is returning.  So, my thought is, wouldn't it be totally awesome if, as we are looking up, the tardis comes soaring through the sky and startled we are, upon landing, the door opens and out comes....Who? But, Jesus.

"And behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give every one according to his work." Revelation 22:12

He who has ears to hear, may he hear...

Donna Noble: Super Temp, Doctor Donna! (Oi! Space Boy!)

Who is Donna Noble?  Okay, she is another one of 'The Doctor's companions, in fact, the third of the tenth doctor's reign, the second of the red headed companions (the first being Mel, from the era of the 6th and 7th doctors...the third, well, see Amy Pond and my earlier post, "the girl who waited").

So, tenth doctor seemed to portray a rather James Bond type of doctor, seemingly, undesirable to a few DW diehards, most likely, those of the male persuasion (huh?).  So, up to this point, tenth doctor's companions seem to have a lust factor after him, as in with Martha's infatuation and, of course, the devotion of Rose.  Yet, as we know, only one seemed to be able to crack the hard exterior of his heart and teach him a little of human affection and love, see: Rose Tyler.

But, Donna shared a different relationship with the Doctor, definitely not of attraction or any sort of interest.  She pursued travelling with the Doctor for her own interests, to learn about all that was out there beyond her knowledge or human comprehension.  To be pushed beyond her own understandings, thus developing into the person she needed to be.  Because of this, she was his friend, there to keep him grounded and to insist on his doing the right thing at all costs.  She also could see that he had a purpose in changing her life and helping her to become who she was meant to be. 

In her friendship and travels with the doctor, more and more she became strengthened to use her natural talents to fight the evil approaching, not only those of her heart and compassion but the natural day-to-day abilities afforded to her.  She was, as she quoted, able to do things based on her experience as a "temp"!  Through this, she acquired the experience to forever be known and cherished as "Doctor Donna", in a sense, the Doctor's best friend.  So, too, as we walk with our creator, we can know that we are his best friend and thus will be able to use the gifts he gave us for his glory and the salvation of the world.

Know that our "physician" has given us the talents and gifts to use for his glory and the working of truth and calling in our own lives and the lives of those we love!

What are they? Ask him and he will show you, even more, how to use them.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10

Emmanuel: With Us In the Storm

A few years ago, a pastor at my church in California was taking us through an understanding of the names of Jesus.  As I was going through a time of depression, the name that spoke to me the most was "Emmanuel" meaning "God is with us".  I read this morning in my daily devotional that without walking in the spirit, trusting in God, we will, in a sense, not acquire the land.  For some of you, this may cause a conflict of conscience as you may have not received the Lord's forgiveness for the ways you have trespassed.  And, in truth, even as I daily seek his forgiveness and grace, I know that I find myself following the flesh, the distractions of the world, and not of the Spirit.

And yet, this conflict leads to the pain of our heart, as we know the ways of the God are the pathways to life.  This prick of our souls is brought about as we receive God into our hearts, we become temples of the living God.  He is truly "with us" always.  As we receive his grace, we are given the strength to turn away from the ways of the world, of sin, that which damages.  As a good friend once explained, Glory In, Glory Out; Garbage In, Garbage Out.

In continuation of this thought, we can know the Lord is ALWAYS with us in our troubles and will see us through, as we place our faith in Him.

As you know from previous posts, I am a tried and true "Whovian", that of which, a fan of Doctor Who.  So, I find in the Doctor a reference to our Lord, in that, he always comes through in the trials of the world and thus in the trials of those he travels with, consequently, aren't we truly "companions" of the Lord chosen by Him to travel with him?  (May you come to that revelation today!)
In faith, The Doctor's companions cry out to 'save the world', which only strengthens their faith in him.  As we saw with Wilfred, he will also seek to rescue the lives of those that he loves individually and do right by them.

That is the Lord Christ's promise, that he will come through, that he is with us always, that his statement is true that he says in Joshua 1:5: "I will not leave you nor forsake you."

So, my prayer for myself each morning, noon, and night, that I will trust in this promise and receive it fully and obediently, He is with me and will come through in all my trials, troubles, and circumstances.  For those of you readers of the WWW, may your hearts not fear but trust in the Lord's promise, know that he is with you, and will come through.

"Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ, who gave Himself for our sins, that He might deliver us from this present evil age, according the the will of our God and Father." Galations 1:3-4

Selah

Choose your own adventure!

So, I recently read a book entitled "A Life That Matters" by my good friend, PK Hallinan.  I highly recommend this book to all seekers and those trying to figure out their calling, how to best used their God-given gifts for His glory, not ours.

In this book, PK describes his decision to become a writer, specifically a children's author, in that he just started calling himself that, to himself and those he met, whether in a work setting or non-professional.  So, without further ado, I would like to announce myself as my calling, what I have wanted to do all my life, but gave up in the forced manipulations of those who thought they knew what was better for me (which ended in me going into debt, argh!) and that of which I believe can use my talents fully for God and for the betterment of the world.

"I am an actress and a writer."

There you go, so I have been going in that strength, through prayer, wisdom, the spirit.  I auditioned for Scrooge, the Musical at a local theatre with the song, "I could have danced all night".  When I attempt to prepare for auditions, I find a piece of which I can relate to the character so that in the time I have to get ready I can find a way to 'become that character', even in a short amount of time.  It helps if the piece, whether song or monologue, somehow connects to something that is going on in my life, at present.

I also have an audition for a band this Saturday, and keep the feelers (rather emails) going out for more...we'll see where this leads.  (I have a fanpage, however I designed it myself, I will post a link below.  A friend is helping me post clips from plays I was in today!)

I have been writing as well, specifically, I like to write plays.  It seems strange that as an early child, without really any knowledge of the construct of plays or screenplays, I was writing in this manner, specifically sitcoms!  So, because of that, I choose that medium because its what comes naturally.  I already have written one play, 'A Seeker's Heart', that has yet to see a production (with hopes that it will soon), which is loosely based on how I met my husband.

Right now, I am working on a play about what goes on backstage during a play; you know, its not the characters off stage, for example, during Working, I wasn't on the street, earning 100 dollars in twenty minutes during intermission!  Specifically, the play is about the relationships that are formed, both positively and negatively, and how they influence the real life.  I hope to show the realness of the hard knocks of theatre, the dirty side, yet still show how its worth it: show how 'art bleeds into life' and vice versa.  Mainly, its about choices, here's an excerpt from one of the actors who plays "Mr. Rex" onstage, but whose "real name" is Chance:

"Choices! The choices you make in this moment will shape what happens in the next, and the point is, to choose rightly, the path that leads to what you want, need--for happiness, life...to make a difference in someone's life. (beat)  It's all about choices.  (beat)  Make the right one and its a GO!  Make the wrong one--BAM-O!  Like me, I've made choices in my life, some good, some bad, like right now (glances onstage, sighs)  But, all I ever wanted was an opportunity, like my name, Chance.  My personal motto: Give Chance a piece! (winks)"

I share this with you because you too have a choice, each moment, its there.  Before you step, pray, breathe, and then jump...and hope you land well!!!  Even when it goes wrong, remember its a life lesson.  And, in truth, it will all end up for the good of all involved!

In closing, what do you want on your tombstone? (Not the pizza)  PK Hallinan asked this in his book.  I've thought about this and really it boils down to, I want to make a difference in as many people's lives, change the world, make it better.....bring joy to someone's heart, if not one, but many.  God knows!

"Here lies Lia Dugal, She brought a "lite" to our eyes!"

Choose wisely, its your own adventure!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

The Fire of Refinement: Conformed to His Likeness

Have you, of lately, had your spiritual thirst quenched by the Lord's springs of goodness?  Has your soul found satiation with the richness of his sustenance?

I strive each morning to fill myself up with the Spirit of the Most Holy so that as I go about my day, I can pursue that of which will bring me peace in my daily routine and struggles, all the while giving him honor in my diligence to serve him in small ways.  In this spiritual filling, I can choose to pour out that water of life upon the thirsty souls and hearts of those I come across in my walk.

Blessed am I to trust, for in hard times and trials is when my heart will be refined.  Lately, the words, restoration, repentance, and refinement, pop up in my daily studies of scripture and prayer; my thoughts on this is that I shall soon, and presently, go through a period of spiritual cleansing, freeing my heart from pride, anger, selfishness, in short, my ego.  Through this divine healing, I shall rest in the presence of the Holy One, in knowing that I shall be made into the likeness of Christ, something pure, a diamond.

Refinement, for me, is the process of learning to trust and obey, as he walks me through hardships and leads me faithfully through uncharted territories. 

I need not fear the purification that shall come for, yes, I  have struggled and gone through darkness of the soul, mind, and heart in recent time, where, at times, I could not see or feel God's presence, yet He was there in the midst of my despair.  In time, he brought me out of the pit and set my feet on stable ground.

So, the momentary afflictions that He will toss my way are only that, temporary.  In these moments, I can truly trust that He is with me and has, for himself, suffered far greater troubles on my behalf.  I pray that I will have the grace of God, the strength afforded to me because of the cross, to abide, trust, and watch and pray.

Today, let us all confess our transgressions so that we can know true forgiveness and find healing, truly coming to know the freedom we are all meant to have, in Christ.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

The Girl Who Waited: Amy Pond

Ah, yes, you may be tired of my goings-on about the spiritual connections to Doctor Who, but humor me once more.

Today's edition is about waiting and I turn our attention to "the girl who waited", or as we know her Amy Pond, played by the actress, Karen Gillam. 

The Doctor first arrived in Amy's life, due to her calling out to a 'savior', based on her fears of the crack in her wall.  What that may signify, you decide, but I think our general fears of life's trials and even, perhaps, our eternal destiny.

He came into her life, observed the crack and the danger therein, and then vanished from her life for a period of 12 years (about).  During that time, she waited, first willingly, and then with a growing resentment.  When he returned (him thinking it was only the 5 minutes he promised), she tested him and eventually found him worthy of the wait because of his awareness of his role of her 'savior'.  Don't we often test the Lord's promises and always find them true?

The point of this, say, rambling is to trust in the Lord's promises of salvation, not just eternally, but for our present tribulations and those to come.  He will return both now and in the ages to come, to redeem, to save, and to live eternally.

And yet, in our present difficulties, we can wait upon his promises, that he will return and that, yes, he is 'an ever present help' in time of troubles.

So, we can say with Amy: "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me, and heard my cry."

Wait upon the Lord, for He is waiting for you to turn to him.  This day, choose whom you shall follow, for as for me, I shall follow the Lord.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Why can't the flesh just die, MAN?!?!?

Yet another post referring the spiritual connotations of Doctor Who:

So, the last season with Matt Smith, they introduce the production of "the Flesh", an invention of man to produce "fleshly" robots that can take our place in work situations, while we sit back and relax....hmm, letting our flesh take over our hearts, wills, minds while they have free-will over our lives?  The flesh holds all the memories, feelings, thoughts, etc of the regular human!

And, inevitably, the humans treat the flesh as second-class or lower than second-class, casting them aside when a version doesn't work properly or whatnot, which leads to anger and a rising up...the flesh rearing its ugly head!

In some fashion, the Doctor is cloned into a fleshly version, so there is the real version and the "fleshly" version.  (For viewers, the coolest part is when the flesh of the Doctor forms and he goes through his entire history of past doctors..."You want some jelliebellies?)

So, as I said, the flesh rises up and threatens to destroy not only the scientists who have been working on this project, but the whole earth...and once again, the Doctor has to save the world he loves (For God so loved the world...)

And here's the thing:  His fleshly self sacrifices himself, as in, he takes on the likeness of sinful flesh...

So, the message of the day, through the power of our "Great Physician" we can overcome the nature of our wickedness, our flesh, and move on to all that is awaiting us....the great adventure in the sky!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Zip-A-Dee-Day, My, oh, My What a Wonderful Play!

Zip-A-Dee-Day, My, oh, My What a Wonderful Play!

The Slightly-Askew Players Return

by Julia C Weston

The 15^th of July the 'Players' made their grand debut in Ashland, OR. From start to finish, the show, 4 plays based on the works of Ring Lardner, was a highly enjoyable experience; the audience was doubled over in raucous laughter.

Buzz London, stage manager, led the show off with the do's and don'ts list for the performance. The audience was asked to refrain from such behaviors as 'catcalling, exhibitionism', and “illegal encroachment' and so many more--(to find out more, you'll have to see the next performance!) The four plays, Thompson's Vacation, Haircut, On Conversation, and The Tridget of Greva were performed mainly by Russ Mitchell, Michael Holstein, and Rick Hazen, with humorous asides and anecdotes by Buzz London, who helped introduce and close pieces. In between shows, the barbershop quartet, “The Gentlemen Songsters” performed, 'giving the actors time to check their vital signs and reorganize!'

These four 'askewed' actors can next be seen performing a benefit performance for Jacksonville Friends of the Library at the Jacksonville Library on August 26^th at 3 pm. Rick Hazen will be performing in the upcoming production of Randall Theatre, “Of Mice and Men” opening this Friday, August 25th.

“It's the truth, it's act'ch'll! Everything is sa-tis-fact-ch'll!”

Goal for the Day: Be a Rose Tyler!

Okay, so here we go again with another entry comparing my love for the Doctor and all things Doctor Who (and if you haven't discovered this show, you have one week to do so!), and comparing it to faith-based realities.

And the love of the Doctor is just what I want to focus on.  Today, I look at one of the best, if not the most loved, companions: Rose Tyler (played by the very talented, Billie Piper!)

Rose, I think, set the standard for the archetype of companion and relationship with the Doctor for those that would come after her.  Billie Piper, who played Rose, played the role in such a way that we, as the viewer, could relate in that we, and perhaps mostly female viewers, would react the same way upon knowing the Doctor so intimately.

Rose could put him in his place yet still be the object of his attention and adoration.  She was the companion who first came close to touching his heart and showing him that he could love, not just objectively, but truly love someone.  He showed her the kind of adoration and affection and connection that he had shown no other companion or traveler.  In addition, she understood him the way no one else could and stood by him even when they were separated.

He burnt up an entire sun just to say good-bye to her; she told him she loved him, he cried, she cried--

He told Martha that she was not replacement for Rose...

She did everything she could to get back to this world, this reality, so she could, yes, help to save the world and the rest of the universe, but be with him again--

And, those she was working with, helped her to get back to him---

The point was, Rose was cherished, loved, and adored by the Doctor.  So, too, we are cherished, loved, and adored by our "Physician", and that is what should inspire and encourage us to do the right thing, stand for truth, fight the good fight, walk the walk He calls us too--

In the face of all adversity, pitfalls, trials, remember we are Roses in God's eyes!

So, too, we should surround ourselves with people who can help us get to our love, remind us of the one who loves us above all, and we, too, should help to encourage them there is one that loves, cherishes, adores them--

Remember, people will let us down, even those closest to us, but there is one, our "Doctor", so to speak, who always will be there and is there, when we need him, who, in truth, loves us, cherishes us, adores us, and will go to great lengths to be with us---

So, in every thing you do, be a Rose Tyler!  Accept the love and adoration of your beloved and let that be your saving grace that empowers you!

"How gracious will you be when pangs come upon  you, Like the pain of a woman in labor?" Jeremiah 22:23

He who has ears, let him hear

Be A Martha! (Really, I mean, Really?)

First off, I am not talking the Martha from the Biblical story about Mary and Martha, sitting at Jesus at feet as opposed to busyness!  No, rather, I am once again making a Doctor Who reference and its an association to stretching my faith.  Strangely, lately, (and maybe this is because of the upcoming season (September 1st, BBC America!)) I have been finding a lot of spiritual and biblical associations with Doctor Who.

So, this one is about my, unfortunately, least favorite companion: Doctor Martha Jones.  But, she has some good, really, and I think we, or at least me, can learn something from Martha's journey.  I think, unfortunately, Martha followed Rose and we all know the popularity of Miss Tyler!

Yeah, so Martha started out as the lovesick, gasping companion but she grew stronger and stronger, more sure of herself the more she spent with the Doctor: she fulfilled her destiny.

Remember, in one of the many end of world shows, where the Doctor has been made to become his full age and he's all shriveled up and old and in a cage, and thus, in a sense, useless.  Martha walks and travels all over the world, telling all she meets about the Doctor, and what he has done and how he can save the world, helping them to have faith in him and showing what they can do to bring about the world's salvation, in a sense.

And, then at the right moment, the entire world, perishing under the reign of the Master, speaks out one name "The Doctor" and all is made right as the Doctor is restored and sets things right...

Here's the point:  The Doctor needed Martha's obedience to put herself out there, have the faith, and walk it out to help him do what he needed to do.

And, in a sense, we, too, can be Marthas in our walk with God.  What God calls us to do, he provides the strength to obey and walk it out.  To ensure the love of God abounds, so that all can unite and turn to him for their salvation and that of the world's.  And, in that unification, as we come together as one, in prayer, and speak his name, if the Doctor did wonders, think only what God could do.

So, we may not love all our fellow sojourners and companions; We may have a few Marthas in our lives, but even our Marthas can strengthen us, if we allow them to, and help us grow closer to God and be more useful for His purpose and His will.

Share the truth; Share the love!  Make a difference!

Think about it!  Be a Martha!

He who has ears, let him hear

The Great "Doctor"

"But the Lord is with me as a mighty, awesome one." Jeremiah 20:11

Okay, so many of you know that I am a rapid Doctor Who fan, and those who don't know, I come out to you: I love the Doctor.  So, as I watch that show, I am continually struck by the allusions one can find in the Doctor to Christ, kind of hard to notice, but at times there.  I mean, the idea that there is one man who comes from above who loves the world and always, always does the right thing and at the right time 'saves the day'.  But, I could never pinpoint an exact episode or storyline to say, 'ah yes, this speaks to me of my truth', until this week.

A few years ago, during the "Twilight" craze (a show that I have yet to watch and may never due to the ubiquitious smathering of Kristen whatshername photos all over the tabloids in grocery stores (fortunately, I do not shop at those stores, much) but when I do, God help me!  She seems like a vampire in real life, because, she and her boyfriend (?) seem to have this lifelessness in their eyes and the same gawking mouth....not attractive, really?  But, I digress, I had a friend tell me how she saw the connection between Twilight and the story of Jesus.  I took this with a grain of salt, not because of her faith or understanding (everyone has the thing that ticks them off) but because I have such a distaste for TV in general (still do, but my lovely partner has turned me on to some awesome shows, including that which of MY DOCTOR!)

So, I was rethinking about this week, perhaps because the new season is fast approaching (Hurrah! He's coming back....to me!)

I remember the episode where the rest of the Timelords use the Master for their evil plan of taking over the Earth to live on since their planet, Gallifrey, is burning.  And, there is that moment where the Doctor (and the Master) send them all back to the burning planet and once again, the world is saved by the Doctor's hand.  But, then there is Wilfred (Donna's Granddad) and, for his own safety, he has locked himself the chamber and poisonous gas is filling his lungs, and The Doctor tells him that if he opens the next chamber, he, The Doctor, will die....and there is Wilfred, almost in tears, but telling the Doctor not to, because he knows who the Doctor is...Wilfred, ready to sacrifice his life, for the world (a picture of us?)

And, with slight hesitation, the Doctor goes into the chamber, releasing Wilfred, and perishes....only to walk out of there, and then the regeneration (resurrecting begins)....

So, there it is, The Doctor, yes saved the world, but then turned and sacrificed himself (never to be done) for one human being: And that is the picture. Christ sacrificed for the world, but really, me.  The poisonous gas (sin, my own wretchedness) was slowly destroying me and the Great Physician stepped in and....brought me back to life....

And then, he regenerates into something better....

He who has ears, let him hear

The Truth, as I see it, or something like that

"He walked with me in peace and equity, And turned many away from iniquity."
--Malachi 2:6

I think the point of this scripture, to me, is found in the last line "turned many away from iniquity", which is found when we, as people who believe in God and, even, Jesus, walk in peace and equity with all man.  But, I ask you, how can you do this, when we "Christians", who claim to follow the teachings of Christ, march on the street or boycott businesses that treat human beings as less than because their lifestyle, choice, beliefs seem contrary to ours or our intrepretation of the Bible.  How is that reflecting the one we claim to serve and love and worship?  How is that turning one away from the presumed iniquity?  I am speaking primarily of the "homosexual agenda" but this could be any particular sin.

The scripture you rampant "Jesus freaks" (notice, in quotation) claim as proof of this is found in Romans 1ish:

"Likewise also men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due."

First of, that is one scripture among many.  Second of, in my recollection, that is the words of Paul, who yes, has some good things to say, but, and must I say this boldly, IS NOT JESUS!!!  So, if he is not Jesus, and Jesus is the main thing, then why put such stock on Paul when even he said, plainly, to follow Christ, not him.

And what is the message of Christ but love, peace, grace....and how does he reach people with those love, how does he convert, or change, or "save", but, my dear friends, in relationship.

So, without further ado, I have finally come to the conclusion that homosexuality in itself is not sin, but sin is what separates us from God.  For example, I have a very dear little lesbian friend (little because she is, hi! hi!) who I believe is more connected with Jesus because of her love for her fiance, her family, her friends, and understanding of herself in relation to God.  Well, actually, its my intuition when I talk to her, I just know that nothing separates her from God and isn't, even with her choice of sexuality.

But, then I know of several Christians who, based on my once again intuition who seem further away from God, based on the sin of judgment and hatred...controlling behaviors which is contrary to God, because remember its his will not ours.  But, I digress...

I think it is more of a sin if one tries to separate those who are brought together by God (for example, my darling love and I, a truth that was spoken to me several years ago "what God has brought together, let man not separate") and I speak of all relations.  It's not our responsiblity, people!

I strive to be a Christian that would make Gandhi desire to "drink the kool-aid", not really just a real authentic example of Christ in every way so that my man, Gandhi and those lie him would actually like me for the very truth that I act in the same way as Christ (isn't that the key here?)

Sin is what separates you from God--He is love, hatred is the opposite of love, so therefore hatred is the opposite of God, so as God is the redeemer of our hearts, then if we carry the burden of hate in our hearts (and I am speaking of my heart, truthfully), then we are not in the right place of God and we must confess---everyone of us, for hate towards others--

So, one scripture speaks against homosexuality, and once again, that is Paul, not Jesus.  It says "left the naturaly use' meaning male to female, yet if homosexuality is a sin and we are all "born in sin" naturally, then why is it not possible to be born gay? Hmm...food for thought! Then, homosexuality for some is natural---so then the natural use!! (Remember, we are all sinners!) And really, the worse kind of sexual immorality, adultery and even more so, child abuse (You burn in hell for that, folks, and me being a teacher/child care worker, hell will hath no fury like a teacher who discovers you have done that!)

The real reason for this rambling (sorry so long) is the true message of the Bible is the words of Christ, not Paul or anyone else, and all other voices should be drowned out by his (as should be in all our lives) and his message is:

"LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, and INCLUSION"

(We are all sinners, remember!!)

So, those that have that 'pure love', even the "gays", yes have more of a relationship and the spirit of God, Christ-likeness than Christians who forget the one who they are called by---the one who they are supposed to be like

Funny, gay means happy! Shouldn't we all be gay?  And the rainbow, the banner of diversity, isn't it also a promise of God's love and grace and mercy?

And, yeah, if the supposed individuals who we claim to be sinners, (remember one pointing finger outwards has three pointing back), isn't it God's job to change their hearts?  Why, then, do we use the Word of God as a weapon instead of a tool for our own salvation, our own recovery, then? Hmm...food for thought!

So, once again, I say plainly, it is not our responsibility to save, but God's, and in that it is not our duty to correct, but to trust that God has a purpose and a plan for all our stumblings, confusion...Remember, we are not all perfect and don't understand his purpose and plan?

All this is not to call out or condemn (for both sides of the equation, so if I offended any, well, there is the chance that I offended both which seems more fair and balanced (hi! hi!) but to openly confess my own 'backslidings'

Yes, I confess and openly admit: I am a Christian, fallible, judgmental, hypocrital, but I strive every day to extend the love and grace and actually walk HIS TALK, not mine!

Secondly, I am or seem to be of sorts, bipolar (which in the eyes of some is not real, but sin)

Thirdly, here goes nothing:

I openly admit and confess that I am....bisexual....and proud....

He who has ears to hear, let him hear....

*Disclaimer: the way I see it, love is love.  We are not in love with the physicality or the body, but the soul.  In this lifetime, that can take either gender.  So, yes, I find women attractive, have thought about being with them, and even had strong feelings, perhaps love, for at least one, but, in all honesty, I prefer the male member....in short, I prefer my husband.

Circumcize this!

"the ear is uncircumcised"

Without my daily quiet times, my ear can and will become uncircumcised--centering myself, feeding and filling my heart, with what glorifies him.

This then will bring him pleasure and will bring me pleasure and bring pleasure to all those around me and those I meet...(Wow, such a pleasurable experience writing that run-on sentence).

In everything I put my attention towards, without the LORD, I will not be able to "hear the message" of his story in all I focus on---books, Doctor Who, theatre, plays, interactions with others.  My heart and mind will be less quicker, if at all, to pray, which will cause my soul to grow cold, hard, then the root of bitterness will spring up and I will be less moldable to his grace--

Not in his will, not be of use to him, not trying to 'further the kingdom' as I will not be pouring out his grace or filled with the spirit.

Not showing the world his love...

Self-Analysis

I sit here, contemplating the words to fill this screen, drinking cheap yet tasty shiraz, and chatting online with my once upon a time (yeah, like two weeks) Italian Amore.  (He looked a lot like Matthew McConnahey, but even better...)

Truly, this last year has been a year of rebirth, finding myself, and, as the word that keeps swimming through my synapses: Breaking free...

Breaking free from the overly-hyped formats of organized religion, parental controls even in adulthood (yikes), and a not so present past, that now, despite years of trying, I have finally found my healing.

It has come about in so many ways, such as the God that these religious denominations tried to force on me yet found Him in my own way, and finding my back to childhood passions that have now become real....

Like finding old friends and flames...and finding and making ones.

Theatre and acting was always a dream of mine, yet I set out for it in what I now realize was the wrong direction.  I went in searching of fame, fortune, glory...and through rejection, heartache, and disenchantment, I found myself, my passion, my purpose...which led me back to the world of the stage, surprisingly, without much effort.  As I said, when my darling love and I came together in the art of matrimony, we decided we would never let each other stand in the way of our dreams...(Don't let this "arthitus" stand in your way...) so, in climbing back on 'the boards', it was not just a dream, cause I had long since given up hope of fame and seek only a peaceful life with my love and two kitties (and little children...soon), it was to conquer the old fears and to prove to myself that I actually could do it....and I did.  Hell, a fear years ago, when I was "bipolar", I was walking up in front of a group of people, telling them how messed up I had been and was and how I pulled myself out of it, etc etc etc....so, dressing up as a hooker, not a problem!

I didn't expect the blessings and love I got from it.  The friendships, the intense healing, not just in doing the play, but in getting to know the character.

And, I realize the art of theatre is not in the applause, not in having one's name up in lights, but, as in every day life, in the personal growth and healing of the character and the actress...and its in the relationship with self, others, and the creator...in making the difference in the world so as to leave it a better place...

Isn't that how we all want to be remembered? That we left the world a better place, a little brighter, a little more love left after we have exited stage left...the knowledge that we have brought a "lite" to someone's eyes!

Wormwood: A Taste of Bitterness

"I'm not bitter, I'm a pacifist"--says Charlie Blossom, this after he rails on and on about how he wants to "bash in his boss's face in", or meditate in the library to get even with them for firing him.  So, yeah, he's not bitter!

But, really don't we all get this way, claiming to be one of peace and love yet in a moment of high stress or even low, we lapse into a spasm of anger or tension, or both.

Jesus calls us to a life of peace and promises freedom from a life of drudgery, not so much that we won't have the humdum details of life to encounter, but that we can do these mundane activities with the focus of worship and service to him, and thus to others.

Lately, I have found myself diverging down the path to bitterness, which leads to a heart of trespasses, ie, seeking pleasure from that which is not profitable.  This, then is a heart of wickedness, an intent to not please my maker or those he has gifted me with, to turn away, to trespass against.  What is the reason for this following away? Answer: Bitterness.

All to often, when and if people crack open the Bible, they will read it for history, proof of its validity or the existence of God, looking for contradictions and finding none push it away for it does what it has been doing for me of late: exposing my heart.

Yes, that's true, in all my reactions of late, what strikes me as I do my daily duties is how quickly my temper flares, even if it is by myself, when no one sees.  God sees!  So, in that, what I have discovered is bitterness of my own heart, feeling left out, pushed aside, feeling overwhelmed by the complications of life.  "It isn't fair!" I complain, yet God says, "Yes, life isn't, but I am!"

In that, he reminds me of his death, the penetrated holes in his hands, feet, the scars covering his whole body; the blood of grace that was shed for that very heart of bitterness.  So, I release the pain, the frustration, and try my best to trust that there is a purpose in all things, that "all things work together for good for those who love God".  In short, I surrender and do it again...and again...again.  Because I know, that only in surrender will I be able to hear from God and actually be of use to him and all around me.

Yes, my quiet times with God, in his word, are one of the best forms of recovery, short of prayer, which is the ultimate in humility and sacrifice, because it exposes our true intentions and hearts, the wickedness within.  Once discovered, an act of true surrender is what is required to continue forth..

Drink the wormwood, it may taste bitter, but its nothing like the "corruption" within, and only with that drink, thy shall be healed!

"A heart that refuses to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit will not change, no matter how hard you pray."  --Stormie Omartian

A Breathe of Life; A Quiet Repose: the Mystery at Work

I find myself lately getting lost in the chaos of life, do you?  Whether it be illness, financial difficulties, emotional trauma, busyness with work or household duties, at times it feels difficult to keep up and maintain a semblance of peace within myself, and therefore, I forget to take the time to breathe, enjoy the moment, and relax in knowing that somehow, someway, it all gets done.  And in the end, the details of life are of less importance than the relationships we form, the blessings from our creator that enrich our lives.  And truly, if we invest in that which is of eternal value, relationships to God, our loved ones, ourselves, aren't we of much more value for the mundane?

There is a saying in the world of the theatre, when all is said in done, worries about opening night and how it all comes through, it eventually does and with more grandeur and element of surprise than what was ever imagined.  In short, "It's a mystery!"

And so too, in our spiritual walks, however that may come about, we find in trusting ourselves into the hands of the divine, we are blessed with the infinite knowledge that everything will work out in the way it is supposed to, and with precious hopes that we will come away as unscathed as possible.

Truly one of the blessings of meeting my love, my partner, my best friend for life is that he encourages me, as I him, to follow and pursue our dreams and in the end, it is that which preserves our relationship, as we seek out to define ourselves apart from each other, we are brought even closer by the depths of our own understanding, an appreciation of the trust of letting ourselves be.  For, as I am learning as of late, in every relationship there is a natural ebb and flow of closeness which seeks to help us to breathe, step back, and come together again with renewed love and interest.  I am speaking not merely of my partner in crime and life, but also in the friendships and loyalties of my true friends, (Reader: you know who you are!)

So, my message, mostly for myself, and perhaps can be of benefit to you, may you follow your dreams for the wellbeing of your own psyche, spiritual growth, and that of your most cherished and deepest loves, relationships.

“Do the thing you love more than anything in life! You might become a bit unpredictable, sometimes cranky, but you will be happier than you ever imagined possible.”

Remember, in taking this step to personal growth and pursuing our dreams, we do find the chance to breathe in life, repose, and allow the mysteries and blessings of life to awaken us to health, happiness, and spiritual wellbeing.

Something to point to!

So, at church this morning, my Pastor
talked about investing in the spiritual and the earthly, as in what
lasts.  Even though we may want to build something on this earth for
our glory, it is not what matters....he referred to somebody building
a house with wood or metal and I thought of working....so, as I tried
to connect "something to point to" to God, the last portion of it
pointed to me, as in "look what I did, I did the job"...that was the
trouble.  So, this morning in church I rewrote it as this:

Look what God did,
See what's he done
He did the job!
He was the one!

I tell people about both of us having the faithfulness to pray before
every show, and then how most of the time, when we opened our eyes
there would be a whole group praying with us, unasked!! Those that
tell are as excited and pleased with that!!!

I hope our fellow thespians stop to think that "He" is who we point
to, and who did the "work" in the play, and in every part of our
life...

I pray and hope that we can always remember, in every instance and
circumstance whether joyful or troublesome, He is faithful and He will
do the work.

May we all have "Something to point to"...

Our Greatest Enemy is Fear!

The buzz around town has been that we are, tried and true, living in da 'end times.  This comes as no surprise to me as starting my walk with God in the church in 2001, the study of escotology was all the rage.  Seems like every bible study or service talked about the impending rapture, or catching up of the church.  In fact, perhaps, a believer became a follower of Christ not merely because of HIS LOVE and FORGIVENESS but for fire insurance, who can know?

So, I went through a period of watching the news and pouring through the Book of Revelation and the prophets looking for clues to match up with the times claiming this was the end.  This is a far cry from my pre-Christ era when I would read and watch the news to try to guess what jokes would be tossed around on late-night television shows, and yet, Christian talk of end times, brought many a joke on late-night television shows and in secular circles.

But, now in my walk with God, I am more focused on the here and now, the present moment.  For, I cannot go back to my past or change it and the future is yet to be formed and out of my line of sight, so today is all I have.  I do not live my life in the dread that it is my last, but simply enjoy my time loving God, the world he gave me, and ALL of the PEOPLE he has placed in my life.

So, now it seems the spread of the end times views has reached the so-called unbelievers.  As I read Revelation, I am struck not by the fear of what's to come but by the promise of Christ that He will not only win but His promise to help us overcome so that "we may eat of the tree of life".

So, my dear sojourners on ye spiritual path, Fear not, and may the mercies of God be upon you to bring you to his love, grace, and patience.  He is with you now and until the end of time.

He who has ears, let him hear

"Working" your calling!

Well, as many of you know, a few weeks ago I ended a play entitled, "Working" based on a Studs Terkel novel.
I, of course, played the hooker, as you can understand, wait, what, was I type-cast?  So, in a sense, I have been in recovery mode since the play ended in what seems like ages ago, but really is a few weeks.  It was funny when I first got the part, I was feeling like I was the most uncommitted actor to this show.  I was more concerned with the actual business of making a living than "working", and yes, I admit, that many times I thought, "God, I can't do this, I can't pay the bills or make money if I have this obligation."  But over and over, I was told by God to see it through, that yes, there was a reason for everything and that it would work out as it is supposed to, even if I couldn't see it yet.  And, so, grinding my teeth, I pursued with, at least, a shred of faith masquerading as a whole lot.  (And isn't that all that God asks, that we have just an eensy-weensy bit of faith and he will supply the rest...)

So, I kept at it and strangely, my character and songs started to come upon me.  The character grew in me throughout the months leading up the late rehearsals and through the process of putting on the show.  And, surprisingly, the songs that I was sure I would never get, I memorized, danced, sang, and even put a little "drama' into them.  The funny thing, I began to learn a little bit about myself; how truly everything has a purpose, a season, and will work out for good in the end.

My history in theatre, and therefore in life, is one of various mountain peaks and potholes.  From the earliest of age, as soon as I could hold a pen, I was writing, creating, putting on plays, writing plays.  Without the understanding of Shakespeare or any formal training, at a tender age, I was constructing plays, and yes, sitcoms.  I kept dreaming of fame, fortune, success.  I took a few acting classes here and there, never was in any plays, but learned enough that it was something I wanted to do, something that made me feel good.  I also met some really amazing friends, to be specific, my little sister, Brooke!!

There was no drama department in my high school, really, in a high school and middle school population that came to approximately 120 students in totality, there was not really a department of anything, just a few classrooms here and there where we learned a thing or two.  (At one point, and this was before I was there, the school didn't even have walls (cubes), just open spaces with desks...and yeah, I guess the school realized that their system was 'really taking off" so they put up walls!)  So, in high school, I pursued outside forms of creativity, mainly voice and chorus.  Back then, my dream had always been to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy is possibly my favorite character ever, Judy Garland is my favorite actress, and The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest movie ever made and the best antidepressant ever (if you don't agree with me, we'll have to take this outside!)  So, yeah, for like an open house night, I sang "somewhere over the rainbow".  Looking back, that was the first time in my life (besides working one summer as a babysitter so I could attain my own phone line) where I realized that in faith, hard work, and diligence, dreams can come true, but let's stress mostly the faith in God and the Universe part mostly!

So, all through middle and high school, I was the awkward, dorky one that got teased a lot.  For whatever reason, I just didn't understand how to be in society, not that any of us did really at that age, or do now, but still there it is.  Maybe you can say it was because of "difficulty" at home that caused this lack of confidence and self esteem or blame it on a "chemical imbalance", who can tell? (In the beginning of high school, I got dragged without my consent to a psych doctor that put me on Ritalin and then prozac, never allowed to work through emotionally my problems, just told "take the meds and you will feel better").  But, as I see now, it all works out in the end.  My singing and love for creativity in all forms kept me going, when nothing else was working or felt right, somehow I found myself in that, and eventually led me on the path to my higher power, God, Jesus, the Great Spirit, what have you....and I met some pretty awesome friends along the way.

So, I got to my Senior year and I am about ready to graduate and my parents and I have this conversation about what to pursue.  They keep pushing me to write and to take classes in writing, and I say that I want to do acting and singing, and that I am already a good writer, and they say but with classes I can get better...but its still, yeah, I want to do this.
My first college year I landed at San Francisco State University, which is completely random and just weird that it ever happened, so much of me has changed since that first crazy year.  I took my GE classes (almost flunked out my first semester), took acting one, creative writing, and singing.  In acting, I was a shy and timid little girl that hungered for fame or what have you but was just too afraid to take a chance,  But, that year I had this drama teacher (Mr. Washington, not Denzel, I forget his first name) told me "you have the talent and can do it" (I remember that even if I don't remember his name, only that my friend, Heather and I, would mistakenly call him "denzel").

I left that school after a year, the first of my friends to leave.  For whatever reason, SFSU is a school where people don't really graduate, a few do, but most just pass through.  Its like a train station, you come in, stay for awhile, until the next train leads you on.  I picked up the skill of being in school and became comfortable in a big city, with new, crazy ideas and lifestyle choices, mostly Southern Californians who laughed at us Northern Calis because we said "hella".  I ended up back at my Junior College where I again pursued drama and writing amongst taking general ed requirements.  I was more comfortable in my drama class.  I liked the teacher and I liked my partner in dramatic crime, Michael.  Yeah, okay, so after the class ended, the teacher seduced me and then left me, forgot about me. and moved to the East Coast and yeah, because of that, I withdrew more and more into my pain, but hey, I learned about life and all its sorrows, and gained another great friend, who is in effect, a hanger-on.  (A friend that lasts plus decade and through whatever crap you throw at them or go through with them, they are still there smiling and holding your hand at the end of it, the hangers on!)  To be completely honest, this guy and the friends from SFSU never stopped encouraging me to follow my dreams, write, and pursue theatre even when I lost heart.

So, after a random running around through the streets of Europe, I ended up in Ashland, Oregon, the town I was born to live in, to attend Southern Oregon University, where, yes, I pursued theatre.  Because of the evil drama teacher experience, my anxiety started to set in.  I had to audition for acting one and I failed.  I lost heart and the anxiety grew worse and worse,  further more, I blamed myself for failing.  I became depressed. stressed, anxious all the time, and sick at heart.  About half way through that, fate dealt another hand of fortune by guiding me to take acting classes at RCC with a teacher by the name of John Cole.  Not knowing the exact nature of the turmoil I was going through, he gave me Nina from The Seagull to work on, and she has remained my character and her story has and is mine.  As I was abused my drama teachers and such, so was Nina mistreated by those in the fame and fortune world and her line:

"He didn't believe in the theatre, all my dreams he'd laugh at, and little by little I quit believing in it myself, and lost heart.  And there was the strain of love, jealousy, constant anxiety...I got to be small and trashy, and played without thinking..."

pretty much sums up all that was going on in my life, both internally and externally, at that time.

  I finally left theatre behind, seemingly forever, during my junior year and ended up in Human Communication.  (Met some great peeps too, a shout out to, Rick and Audrey, to name a few).  Along the way through the theatre craziness, I found God along the way, rather, he rescued me.

So, after college, I ended up teaching preschool and babysitting.  A part of me thought I was settling for what life could give me and that my dreams would never come true so just do whatever do what you can and hope something comes on, just make do and try to have some fun.  Looking back, I think working with children affected my outlook on life because it forced me to care for someone else's needs besides my own and so therefore took away any selfish ambition and made me focus on a greater sense of purpose, one that outlasts mine.  Yeah, I remember everybody saying you are making a difference in these kids lives, but, really, those kids made an even bigger difference in mine.

Around that time, I wandered purposelessly into a cafe (but remember everything has a reason) and fell in love with my soul mate.  However, I didn't know he was my soul mate and neither did he (everybody else saw it though) until well after I had moved far far away and several years and years of prayers and heartbreak later....thankfully he took me back or something.

So, I ended up getting dragged back to California on the insisting of my parents who, basically, signed me up for a teaching program at Sonoma State but, remember everything works for good, right? So, I ended up back in my home state of California, where I got a teaching credential, went crazy, faced my demons, made to feel more shame for myself than what God would want of me from the cults, I mean, churches I belonged to, apologized for the wrongs I had done and got blamed for the things I hadn't done, was given pills instead of getting help with the core issues, felt like I was seen as a "Jezebel"...until I could take it no longer and fate, the great hand of God, brought me back where I belong, Oregon, Ashland, home.

As Dorothy says when she returns home from OZ, I say about Calfornia:

"I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful...But all the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, was I want to go home (to Ashland) and they sent me home..."

Right after I left Oregon, I started writing this play about my time at the cafe where I met my true love.  I had no idea why I was writing it but I was pulled by some compulsion to write it and write it and keep writing it.  My friends would laugh at me and make jokes about it.  But, I was driven.  I thought, I don't know, there is a story here and I got to write it....but what was the story, that I loved this man whose name I have attached to mine and whose ring is on my finger.  A few months before he came back into my life, I finished that play after 6 years of endlessly writing it, throwing it aside, picking it up, editting, writing....and then done.  It seems strange to think about it now, that I could be so driven to write...but hey, everything has its purpose in the end.  I got everything I hoped for and yet more than I could ever imagine, like, more than I could ask or think...and yet the exact answer to my prayers and heart's desire.  And, its funny, as many as these friends from the cult, wait, church advised me to stay away from the "non-christian world" and specifically this man, I couldn't help praying, and waiting...and wondering if I would ever love, when he, my husband, is the only one that can understand me when no one else, even those who claim to be my family in Christ doesn't...perhaps they don't even really understand love at all or even God, but that's not my place to say...who are so hung up by their intrepretation of the scripture, and yes I was there too, they miss the real meaning of Christ's love, and to that  I have found in my 'scary-dark boy"...so, maybe these friends of mine are right, maybe I sinned by sleeping with him before marriage (shh...don't tell), but, you know, it all worked out in the end and as the song goes...'what I did for love..."  (Honestly, being married to my Mr. Weston has taught me so much about God's love and faithfulness and commitment to him, my vows, other people than any bible study or lecture ever could...hmm, who knew?)

So, in effect, Bill coming back into my life and marrying me and me coming back to Ashland is a "dream", an answer to prayers...and yet so much more.  And, something that through thick and thin, Bill and I try to do is to pursue our dreams, to follow our paths, to do what we love...and trust that everything else will fall into place, and it has....with faith, diligence, prayer, love, commitment, in the face of all adversity, when all else seems to fail and everything seems at the brink of extinction...our love and our faith brings us through and provides over and abundantly more than we ever thought...So much of my life, I was told to walk the line, to follow somebody else's plan for my life, their purpose and their definition of success for my life, whether it be my father's or the self-imposed religiousity of a few "christians" i knew, who would stand around and talk about how all they wanted to do was "serve God"....but in how?  In all of that, I never gave up my desire for theatre and writing...and felt laughed at or looked down upon for even thinking of that or pushed into an area that didn't really fit for me but was somebody else's imposed direction for my life...

So, finally, as God opens doors, I go through them day by day, inch by inch with faith and hope for the best and trust...and I learn a few things about myself, God, and love.

A few years ago,  I decided that I was unable to work due to the necessity to get healthy and made the choice to go on disability.  The first thing I realized was "what is my purpose if not to work" and how to explain who I am without a job.  I actually experienced this in real life, when after introducing myself to someone,  they asked "so what do you do?"
And, in that moment, I had no idea what to say...so I began to think and came to the conclusion, as Amanda McKenney (a character in Working) says "Jobs aren't big enough for people", in effect, our job is not our identity.  And learned, as she puts it, "I am Julia, at certain points in time, I do things for a living."

Okay, after Amanda says her bit, and her SATAN boss comes in and talks about his VALUES, like 20 minutes or so later, I come on dressed as THE HOOKER and say "you become your job"  and the funny thing is, I, kind of, can see that now, but strangely in a positive way.

Like I was saying, Bill and I encourage each other to follow our dreams and our choice of paths, passions, desires, loves and so too I encourage my friends to do the same, and hopefully, they are as blessed as well.  But, even so, I still dont' want to define myself as a job, but lately, I have picked up several roles or positions and would willingly accept them as a title, because after all they are my choice, my passion, and will follow the roads they take me on as life goes alone...these hats I wear, roles I play are actress, writer, nanny, teacher, wife, kitty-mommy, friend, sister, aunt, so yes, when you look at in this light, you become your job....and for this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for Bill and his love and friendship and for just being himself around me, and once again for the hangers-on.  I wouldn't be where I am without them, their encouragement, their patience, their love...to name a few,Frank Cristofer Montague , Woo Baby, Lee Lancaster, Tony Fleisher, and even for those that life directed us apart for a time but have brought us back together, such as Corky Gardner and Michelle Gray and, yes, John Cole

My advice to you, whether you be starting out in your adventure or on a new path, follow your dreams, your passions, your hearts...do what you love and the rest will follow, and remember as Nina says:

"Now I know, I understand, (Kostya), that in our work--acting or writing--what matters is not fame, not glory, not what I used to dream about, its how to endure, to bear my cross, and have faith.  I have faith and it all doesn't hurt me so much, and when I think of my calling I'm not afraid of life."

And remember, these three remain, faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love.

A Special Thanks and Blessings for All

So, what inspired this is, I got a response to a request on Linkedin for a connection from, yes, a SATAN boss.  Yeah, I have had issues with him in the past and thankfully I have left that employment and have felt soooo much better because of it.  But, through it still, I have felt bitterness towards the whole situation and mostly to him.  But, I saw him and decided to reach out as a form of apology, what I got in return was an email saying these two words: "No Thank You!"  So, as you can imagine, I was a little upset and I thought, "Well, I am just reporting this (pardon the french) fucker to the BBB!"  But, then I started praying, breathing, and trying to let it go...when I decided not to do that, but in fact, call his boss and talk it through, and also that at some point I would like to talk to him, apologize, etc.  Mainly, I just need my files back, which is another story.

But, what made me change my mind?  Because, I was thinking of all of my friends.  Yes, I loathe and have issues with the massive domination of Facebook in our society, blah, blah, blah, but lately I have been entirely blessed by how much love and support and encouragement I find from my facebook friends, the hangers on (the Franks, we shall say!),  the old ones who have come back into my life and who have never forgot me, and the new ones (Work it, baby!).  I am blessed to have you in my life and to be able to reach out and pray for you and offer you whatever I can give and know that, in some way, you would do the same for me, that you love me.

I thank so many of you (Frank, Corky, Michelle, to name a few) for your encouragement over the years, to seek my own health and wellness and to follow my dreams.

I have learned that I am special because all of you are special.  I have learned that I am funny because, dammit, you are hilarious!!! I have learned about love because of your love for God, for me, for others, for the world.  And so much more!!  I am so thankful for your presence in my life and love all of you uniquely and with my whole heart.

Because of your love and friendship, I have learned about the power of love and faithfulness in my relationship towards God, my husband, and my future children.  As I receive your love, I give back to you the love I have, and realize the picture it is of God's love for me.   In my marriage to Billiam, I see how that relationship mirrors the love, communion, and faithfulness of my Lord.  True love is real and forever.

Honestly, these past few months, I have developed, shall we say, crushes on individuals outside of the marriage.  But, never fear, I am true to my vows in that of, forsaking all others for the Billiam!!!  This has showed me the reality of true love and the difference of lust.  Love is forever and is a choice, a commitment.  Lust is temporal.

But, what it shows me once again, is that ultimate desire I have to be loved, cherished, sought after?  And who better to have that from but from God!!

In a sense, all of you, dear friends, I am infatuated and captivated by your love, your beauty, your talents; and I want to share that with others and the world.  Because of how God loves me and how he wants me to reach others and make a difference, I want you to shine, to go forth and make that difference.  Because, you are special and have a purpose!!!  Once again, you would do the same for me.  You make me special; you make me a rainbow!

So, yes, most of you are far, far away (my FB friends) or even if you are close, our time together is drawing to a close, so I leave you with this prayer:

"May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be always at your back,
may the sun shine warm upon your face.

And until we meet again,  may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

"there is a friend that is closer than a brother..."

Love God, Love Others, Love Self?

"Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!" Proverbs 9ish

Where is here?  Well, the "here" referred to is our spiritual sense, the Spirit, God, Jesus, Higher Power, in however, that relates to you.  In my own experience, I seem to not be able to find wisdom in following my own understanding; as Marvin the Paranoid Android says (in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), "this will all end in tears, I know it."  And, yes, I have found that following my own will, it does.  So, yes, the moral of the story, is to seek guidance from above.  I am speaking personally here, yet "he who has ears to hear, let him hear."

I also find wisdom in "whoever is simple" as we are told to be "as little children" in our spiritual paths.  In truth, I have found that in moments of pride, I seem to be farthest from the path of the Spirit.

Randomly, I have been thinking of the idea behind the spiritual "scripture" from a different spiritual background than my own (yet they seem to be more related than otherwise believed):

"Do what thy will shall be the whole of the law.  Love is the law; Love under will."

Which, if you connect it with the greatest commandments in the Bible, you find a deeper understanding and connection and acceptance of this quotation (ha ha, meme, j/k):

"Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, mind, and spirit.  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Basically, if love is the law and we are told to Love God and others, than it follows that that should be the focus of our said religious preferences and truly the message of Jesus, simply put, to love.

You dig? Questions? Comments? Cookies? Good things to say?

His Will or the Highway?

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done."  Matthew 6:10

As I look towards the future and pray for direction, whether it be in job-related activities, art, writing, family, health, I am reminded by this scripture that He knows better than me the path I am to take, and in fact, it is Him who sees the entire purpose of what I go through today and how it will impact the days to come.

What I pray for, is abundance of blessings, as He calls us to pray; not to pray that God would award me with a million dollars or a brand new car, as if I am owed such a thing, as if those things have matter.  But, rather that I would go beyond the poverty line of faith, that I would accept Him at his word that he has storehouses of riches and blessings and promises for me in Heaven.  That I wouldn't wait Heaven to see what I have missed out on in this life.

So, with this knowledge, I seek His will and perfect plan for my life, abiding in him minutely, hourly, daily.  In all I do during the day and have going on in my life, I just trust that it will all work out according to His purposes.  I pray that my heart will be so aligned with His that all that I desire would be in alliance with His heart.  Whatever I hope for today, I hope tomorrow it will work out for the greater good of the kingdom in Heaven and in Earth.

I don't know, maybe what you are going through, whether success or struggle, you can rest in the promise that it will all work out for good, if we hope and have faith.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:14

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Father's Love, or something of that nature

So, this morning in my prayer and devotional time, I happened to fall upon Matthew 6, specifically verse 9, which the Lord Jesus speaks of how we should pray.  Now, I know those who may have been exposed to Catholicism have a different viewpoint of this prayer, that is one of memorization and too structured for their taste, and that, honestly, is how I used to see it.  But, I had it explained to me, a few years ago, that gave me a fresh perspective of the idea of prayer, worship, and my relationship with, none other, than the Father God.

Now, those of you who know me personally, know I have had issues with my own father, indeed even men that could be father figures, for actually not being who I wanted them or needed them to be.  This has in fact led to some insecurities and misunderstandings with the Father God, in a sense, I am okay with the Son and the Spirit, but this Father figure, who is He, really?

So, in the past years, I have begun to look at what it means to have a Father, what my needs are for that and how this trouble with a father figure has caused trouble in relationships with men, of all ages, and even a lack of trust in friends of the same sex.  Just all around feeling rotten about the whole relationship issue, and even, slipping into some relative form of codependency, which is to say, maybe they won't hurt me or leave me or be mean to me if I do everything to please them and make them like me.  Well, that doesn't really work.

So, in my time of healing, I decided that I wanted to look at what it means to have a Father that loves me, is there for me, won't leave me.  The only true infallible father that meets these "requirements" is in fact the Father in Heaven.  As John writes in his first epistle,

"Behold what manner of love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called children of God!" (1 John 3:1)

So, with a stretch of my faith, I allow the love of the Father to fill me and accept his gracious pouring out of love, knowing that this will not only strengthen me in all my endeavors, empower me to overcome my weaknesses, and help me, in effect, know how to rightly behave in relationships of any kind.

So, looking at the Lord's prayer, I am awakened to a new sense of understanding, a new revelation:

"Our Father in heaven, Hallowed be your name." (Matt. 6:9)

So, remember this doesn't mean that you have to pray these exact words, but really I think, to start out your prayers meditating on and being thankful for the awesome greatness and sovereignty of the Father, in a sense, being thankful for the love He so graciously gives us.  And, I say yesterday, asking in faith for these abundant blessings He has promised us.

So, today, Father, I worship you, I pray, not only in this moment, but in the moments to follow and in the days, weeks, months, years to come.  I worship you for your perfect plan for my life.  I pray that today, in all I do, I would meditate on and constantly be aware of your presence, your power, and your promises.  I thank you for all you have done for me in the past, what you have for me today, and in the future.  I surrender to you with hope and patience.  And yes, Lord, I thank you so greatfully for Jesus.  In love, Amen.

He who has ears to hear, let him hear...

So, how do you make gluten-free chocolate chip cookies?

I've been trying off and on for months, whenever I can afford good chocolate chips and whenever I find that mad craving, like the other night I dreamed I had gooey gooey chocolate chip cookies, and ate them all as quick as can be.  That was a dream...but when I try to make it, they come out all flat and burned, never like the pictures you see in magazines or cookbooks.  I seem to be able to make brownies and cakes, but the art of chocolate chip cookies evades me.

The other night I tried to make gluten-free graham cracker brownies (did you know there are actually, really, bona-fide gluten-free graham crackers now? PTL), however, tried and, could I say, failed...my husband and I ended up eating all the chocolate chips and graham crackers...we couldn't resist and me having this nasty nagging hanging on cold, I seem to be a little tired to cook, oh well, life goes on.  But, I am starting to feel better, after garlic-gluten-free-buffalo burgers, I coughed up some flem (yay, aren't you glad you just read that?) and then fell fast asleep on clean sheets and woke up with the sniffles and such and such gone.
But, here is another gross part, when I went #2, blood came out and what do you say to that, (after gagging and maybe barfing), its because I ate gluten, in what, sadly, girl scout cookies.  Yes, its true but I can no longer enjoy the deliciousness of girl scout cookies.  (Too bad, they aren't actually made of girl scouts, hey, wait a minute!)

Anyway, prayers and good thoughts are requested.  God has opened up several doors for me to work close to home in Ashland (actually within walking distance, if I can get up early enough) basically self-employed.  Already, I have two nanny jobs that pay well, hopefully, with increasing hours and am waiting on a caregiving job which is mostly in the bag!  Today, I have applied for a weeding/pet sitting job, a tutoring job, and, even, a modeling job.  So, fingers crossed, prayers go up, and I stand, as much as I possibly can, waiting in faith. 
Yeah, doesn't it seem we are always waiting, waiting, waiting....the trick is to relax and enjoy the ride or the walk or the crawl...

And, for the past three months since this momentous year began, my husband and I have been praying for than just, Lord, provide for our needs, but for the abundant blessings and wealth, not just wordly, but spiritual...but, in fact, that not only will our needs be met, but fulfilled over and abundantly.  And, now it seems we are finally getting caught up on bills and other expenses, and with faithfulness to give out what we have, God seems to be providing just that.  (Like, for example, when I added up all my groceries in my head and then went up to pay, it came out to the exact amount that I had calculated, PTL!)

So, the message for today is: Don't just pray for the poverty line, pray for everything you can ask for and more, and trust that God will provide in accordance with his will, because, after all, hasn't he always promised us the kingdom, his entire heart, love, everything that we desire:

The Prayer of Jabez says:

Oh, that you would bless me indeed
and enlarge my territory
that your hand would be with me,
and that you would keep me from evil.

He who has ears to hear let him hear.

Let God, Let Go?

So much is happening in my life personally, both internally and externally, and yet both seem to have an effect on my own being....as I am sure much change is occuring in your lives, dear reader...from gray hairs to increasingly rising gas prices (which probably are causing the gray hairs) to new beginnings....well, it all wraps up in some kind of purpose...for all of us.

Yeah, these last so many years (6 or so, I lose count), I think I have really struggled, grown, yes, emotionally, mentally, spiritually (no, not physically)...but, in the grand scheme of things, I must admit I have been a royal b with an "itch", pardon my french (what, that's not french?)  Alon-sy, let's move on!

So, I have been praying for healing in my own heart, in those relationships I have wronged, and for those people as well...and in time going to them, making amends, offering my apology, and then just practicing the art of letting go, which can be difficult, but with God's grace all things are possible...and letting that individual decide whether they want to return or move on....all things, including relationships, have a reason, to everything there is a season, including friendships...And, I am thankful for each one, the ones that have newly come into my life, the ones that have hung on for years, and the ones who have moved on...each have made my life richer, brighter, and more meaningful.  In short, all of you have made me a 'rainbow', made me the person I am today... All of you are reflections of God's love in my life!!!

So, now my heart struggles with what to do about forgiving and moving on with two people who in the past have had primary roles in my life, my college boyfriend and high school best friend!!! Seriously, it has been years since the horribleness of high school and what happened with that girl, and I keep thinking, really, that I have forgiven and forgotten, but then it rises up again...and really it always boils down to trust.  I just don't think I CAN trust her, but I wish I could.  It causes quite an anxiety about someone I used to love, even though it has been years.  So, I keep breathing, and releasing, and saying "Let God, let go" of this particular situation that has plagued me for almost 15 years +.

The next is the boyfriend, and this one, is closer to forgiving because I am starting to see that maybe he did some good...so, I guess, that is all in the timing.

But, the question is, do I want these people back in my life?  Can I trust them?

Yeah, I guess as I learned in the play I just performed in, Our ways are not God's ways, there is a purpose for everything and a timing...but, the thing is, I am not even really thankful for the fact that these people were in my life at one point and can't even fathom the good they did...GAAA!  But, all God asks is that we give out grace, as he did, and forgive, as he did....Can I? Can you?

What are your thoughts? What do you think I should do?

2012: Wow, we made it, so what's next?

So, yeah, we have made it through almost 3 months of twenty-twelve, so how's it all been for you?  So far, has it been what you expected?  Had any amazingly powerful experiences that have transformed you, well, maybe....blessings from above, the divinity of love that knows no bounds...well, have you?

It seems like there is always some kind of speculation about certain years, some meaning different spiritual backgrounds can find significance in, whatever that may be, I mean, no disrespect.  Some look forward to the rapture, whether imminent or in some distant future....some look for some other futuristic society or shift of consciousness.  Whatever it may be, all believe in some kind of awakening, new beginning...what do you believe? What do you hope for?

Sometime around 2006ish, my friend with the name of the Elite university told me that in 2007 the world would end, in a sense, some major event would occur that would change us all...sadly, I must admit, this statement did not excite me, but however, worried me.  Well, obviously, 2007 came and went and we are still here....but are we?

However, for me personally, my major breakdown and life changing event happened during 2007, a new beginning, an awakening, a divine encounter which brought about a new identity and however troubling and hard it may have been, I look back on it, with I guess, a sense of accomplishment.

And remember way back to the dawning of 2000?  Y2K, ring a bell?  We were told to expect some major breakdown of technology, everything going haywire, planes falling from the sky, perhaps...and did that happen.  Maybe, in some alternate reality!

So, now we are here in 2012, can you believe how fast time travels?  And we wait for the fateful 12/21/12, do you believe something will happen?  A fresh start for mankind or the end of it all?  Or both?  We shall have to see.  Or perhaps, this year will bring about a cataclysmic change in our own personal lives, and maybe that's all we should be hoping and waiting for...because, as I have learned, the only person we can be responsible for, and truly know, is ourselves...like, we all have to be accountable for ourselves.

So, whatever the future holds, I hope and pray for myself and all of you that it will bring something new, something transforming...whether or not we have to go through some kind of hardship to get there.

Peace, love, and Chocolate cookies to all of you!

A Desolate Place

God is more real to us in desolate places; he reveals himself to us in our brokenness and humility, in our times of sunshine, we sometimes become filled with false pride that hinders us from truly being aware of his presence, always with us, and less receptive to his still small voice...

These last few weeks I have been working and driving, working and driving, seemingly driving more than working, and yet feeling the increasing stress as the price of gas rises higher and higher.  As we all rightly know, we've got bills to pay and the money we fork over at the gas tank seems to make that inaccessible.

In the midst of the rush, I became too lost in my own frantic mind to remember to wait on the Lord, as a result, the stress began to overwhelm me.  I found myself, more tense, more angry, and even suicidal.  Yes, the time of the month grew closer and closer but even still the lack of God-time increased the amount of anxiety, I do admit.

As the close of that job came, I found time to sleep, meditate, and, most importantly, curl up in the Word of God and in all of this, I felt the stress lighten, the mind clear, and the heart found rest.  Truly, I must remember, as we all shall, that the physical health rests not just this earthly realm but, most importantly, in the spiritual, which in turn, gives us the nurturing health in the emotional and mental.

Truly, when we are broken, in the desolate places, we found the comfort of the Lord.  So, trust, abide, and wait on his love and grace.

Patience, for he is coming to you.  And yet, is always with you.