Dead Exes: The Ones I Loved...& Lost For Good

 

Busy people walking by

Can't help but worry some

With so many things to do

So little love gets done

Satisfied

A very fact of my reality is that I maintain an ongoing connection to my former flames, that is, with those of such that are a healthy and safe connection.  There are two former partners whose presence in my life is not safe and therefore I maintain gratitude for the lessons learned during that season of my life doing my utmost best to move forward, however, hard that is weighted down with the coldness of PTSD.

But those are two out of ten that I abstain any connection from, leaving, at least 8, that I would happily reconnect in a new season of life with the label of friend or perhaps only to clear the air of past pains caused by our breakup.  Success of being able to be friends with my exes comes into being with the five formers that I have maintained an warm, open camaraderie with since our romantic relationships ended.  In so many ways, these friendships have made a more lasting significance in my life deeper than even the days of our long ago romance.  Moreover, a friendship reunited with them seems natural when thinking that once upon a time they were MY everything, rather, what I hoped would be my truest love.  (This was before I realized I am polyamorous.)  Because of the memory of our romantic highs, the lows of the heart-break, the time apart, the coming together as friends is one that has deeply enriched our lives in ways numerous.  For that, I am grateful.

But, as time passes, it is natural for a friend or former connection to slip away into their own universe, as with the busyness of our lives, our connections shift and change, seemingly to forget those we once shared the path of life alongside.  

For me, though, deep within, I never forget.

If ever I said "I love you" in whatever capacity, friend or lover, I meant it.  And, even though the relationship dynamic has shifted, the love remains, the gratitude for the lessons and experiences alongside deepens, making me better and wiser even today.  Because of this, I find myself at times looking back, wanting to reach out, or just peek to see how the ones I loved and lost are doing.  

“He should have died hereafter: There would have been a time for such a word."

The heartbreak all over again when I learned that one I once loved, specifically held hands with as we walked the path of romance, has slipped off this mortal coil.  Within the context of former romantic connections, whether they are known to you in some present form or not, they remain forever the age when once you were in the throes of infatuated young love.  Hearing of their passing, whatever the cause, taints the memory and rekindles the crushing blow of heart-ache even more than before.  Was this the fate they were meant for, even back when we were united? 

In early 2017, I learned of the passing in May 2016 of the first boy who took my hand and walked me through the valley of romance, he the giver of my first kiss and a little bit more.  He and I had re-connected as friends via Facebook, but had not chatted that much through the years.  I had tagged him in a photo in June of 2016, of which he made no comment (below is the link to that photo).  Finding out the reason in 2017 was a gut-wrenching sadness.  I couldn't focus that week on President Obama's exit, so much was the heart-ache of losing a part of my youth.

Now, as I walk the journey of recovery, I feel led to reach out to those I have wounded and make amends, not to rekindle any friendship, but to relieve myself of the burden of regret.  My utter shock when I discovered that yet another former flame had left this earth behind,ironically in the same month and year as the other.  This former boyfriend I had dated in my late twenties when as a fundie Christian I had led him back to the Lord and then subsequently had my first ever break down leading to my first diagnosis.  Because of this and the abuse I had experienced in my life from a myriad of places and of which I was still suffering, I couldn't see beyond the curtain of my own pain, lost in my own inner darkness, I could not understand how my actions were wounding those around me.  So,this last week, in a better place than I was then, I reached out to this dear man, hoping to alleviate and heal to apologize and to show him that I am better than I ever imagined possible, only to receive the resounding gong of loss of life and opportunity.

In the wake of this, as I experience the sadness of grief, is it possible for me to make amends with him? A writing ritual cleansing shouting out to the universe?  A Hamlet-esque experience where I avenge untimely death? Or, is it more important than to make amends within myself? I find myself knowing he would appreciate the latter, not the former.

In all of this, I do not mean to make the loss of such young men, one at 40 and the other at 35, about me.  I feel for their families, their children, and those others closer to them than I have been in recent years.  But, even though apart, though the journey of life re-constructed the dynamic of our connection and our lives, my love for them remained and thus I must grieve those young loves whose memories will ever be cherished and forever am I grateful for their position in my life during our moment, our time. 

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Say Something

My Monte Bird

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part One. TW: Mental Health, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse

 

Part One: Kanye and Bipolar Disorder

Over the next several days, I will carefully and thoughtfully recount my experiences being one with bipolar and ptsd rage as well as a victim of such as spouse and child.

Over the past several weeks, I have kept a loose eye on the Kanye/Kim saga and let its impact bring reflection my own history with mental illness, domestic violence, and child abuse.  For each of these, I have a personal connection and understanding, as I have been both perpetrator and victim. To begin with, I must assert that the violence I perpetrated and have had done towards me was mostly verbal, emotional, and mental, however, that does not lessen the impact and in someways it makes it worse.  Abusers use the mental and emotional abuse with an aim to control and silence their victims, even when situations become physical.  Finally, the most valuable take-away in all of this, is the reality that hurt people hurt people.  Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

In my desire to express full transparency, I must begin with myself and the violence I enacted on others.  I am a person living with Bipolar Type 2, Celiac Disease, and CPTSD.  Because of this, I have lived a long life with frequent reactive, explosive anger outbursts and emotional breakdowns, that are more prevalent during times of intense stress.  Due to being an abuse victim myself, I never learned how to care for myself, to stand up for myself, to express myself, but instead, learned it was safest to keep it all inside.  Not knowing how to do any of the aforementioned, caused the emotional upset to flow outwards like a raging volcano, wounding those who came into its path and to whom it was addressed, killing any future relational connection.  

Okay, quit the flowery language, I'll tell it to you straight.  In my past, now over a decade ago, I have raged at others in the very same ways I see Kanye doing such.  I have screamed curse words and other obsenities violently over the phone at people, left abusive voice messages in this state, sent abusive emails and text messages, as well as social media posts.  

Why do I say this? Not to condone my actions or that of Kanye's, but to express an understanding of the fear and pain within someone who is on this rampage, the lifelong hurt that must have caused such, and the anguish felt when the episode has passed and the realization of just what was done and the negative impact resulting.  For my part, the results were losing my teaching job, getting a restraining order against me, losing dear friends, and a long-term boyfriend.  

I have come so far since these days yet I still have impulses of rage that flare up.  I am learning every day further and further about practicing self care, surrounding myself with healthy connections, forgiveness, and actively practicing mindfulness.  Making amends helps me greatly yet this is not to rekindle the friendship but to lessen the guilt and pain caused by my actions.  

I say all this to shed light on the reality of suffering someone living with Bipolar, in all its variety of mood swings, from mania to anger, has to contend.  It's more than just a chemical reaction, one that can merely be healed with medications, but so much more must be put into effect.   For this reason, I constantly work on myself and help to erase the stigma of mental illness through my transparency so that diagnoses aren't pariah makers or death notes, but one that causes others to look within, to be a witness and a healing agent within their own brokenness, so that outwardly we may all find healing.

Admitting to myself my own dysfunction is the the first step in my recovery, the journey life-long.  Knowing the signs of my illnesses and taking the medication provided is only the first step.  There is a deep well of discovery in digging through the years of pain inflicted upon my younger self, unraveling, releasing, forgiving, healing, truly moving forward and finding my thrive.  

Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

https://www.bphope.com/4-things-about-bipolar-anger-you-might-not-know/

What is Bipolar Disorder?

0:11 / 9:44 Bipolar Disorder and Aggression

Bipolar Girl

Section Two: Mental Illness & Domestic Violence (Coming later this week)

 

Imposter-Shmoster!

 

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Here's a definition according to google:

 Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.  

As I was launching into the world of 'film producer', I suffered with this syndrome, without really knowing it.  I just felt like I wasn't taken seriously or respected for my efforts.  Part of it, could be that I was surrounded by the type of folks that were trying to weigh me down, narcissists in some fashion, manipulative takers, who were only with me for their own gain kinda sorta person.  Without being able to see the healthy folk around me, being overwhelmed with the toxic, I constantly felt a struggle to see my own worth and value.  Due to this, I was constantly pouring outward, helping others, loving others, until at the end of the day, nothing was left to give, thus I neglected myself.  Pushing myself to attend all the right parties and events, a smile on my face that felt hollow, left me feeling even more invalid.

In late 2019, bowled over with a massive load of post-production editing past due to release, I sat down at my computer with one line traveling through my mind, a small form of encouragement, "you don't have to be perfect, you just have to begin."  Rather, experience comes from pursuing that which you are calling.

Furthermore, in late 2019, faced with a huge financial crisis, I started reaching out and receiving more paid work, those beloved special folk who found value in me merely because I existed and wanted to help lift me.  Receiving financial compensation, helped drag me out of the dehilibating hole of debt, both outwardly and inwardly.  My self worth expanded as I began to regularly pay my bills, watched the debt decrease, and my confidence began to expand .  Added to that, in 2019, I made the empowering decision to step back from relationships toxic, as painful as it was, to give out continuously and when standing up for myself feel the loathing of those I thought loved me, the heartbreak of the break-up even in friendships was devastating, yet in that good-bye a learning lesson leading to my further developing my strength of character.  Yes, some friends left me, choosing to wallow in their anger and tell their stories of me, I stood and continued forward, realizing that many more than those few stayed with me and even more healthy relations began to come in, and slowly, slowly, I am learning to trust.

All of these factors, from developing my editing skills to releasing the toxic, helped lessen the feelings of fraud and imposter.  I stopped thinking outwardly about how to impress and focus more on how I was being led.  Started realizing that self worth and inner strength comes when you discover your calling, that of your passion and purpose; experience, then, develops as you take the first, perhaps, small steps towards that such calling.  Rather I started worrying less about how to impress, about who was viewing, but more of creating what I felt led to, whatever that may be, enjoying the process of creating and finding joy in the release of such.

With that soul development, as well as focusing on my mental health through self help book galore and private therapy, the feeling of fraud, that of having the imposter syndrome, began to release itself.  In fact, it wasn't until a few months ago, when a friend expressed that she hadn't felt the imposter syndrome for some days that I even started to learn that that was a thing and was something I had experienced.  

Labels are not the end all be-all.  My having bipolar, PTSD, and Celiac Disease are not the catch-all, like, "you got the answer now, you are saved" kinda thing.  Rather, labels help bring clarity that help lead one to begin the steps needed for recovery.  And, dear ones, recovery is the most wonderful thing ever!

In the case of "Imposter Syndrome", several factors had to begin before even discovering that label,  not being easily swayed by the external and the toxic, but grounding myself within.

If you find yourself, dear reader, struggling with this syndrome, trust in your calling, your passion, and your purpose.  Know that experience in that is not given, but will come as you take that first step.  

It doesn't have to be perfect, you just have to begin.

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Brave

Chronic

 I have openly spoken in the past about my struggles with my mental health conditions, namely Bipolar Type II as well as CPTSD, not to mention having Celiac Disease which affecting physical, mental, and emotional.  However, recently, for reasons unknown to me, I have begun to experience frequent physical chronic issues, such as fatigue and flu-like symptoms.  Due to these physical issues, cause yet unknown, I have often found myself within the last year, if not longer, days on end, struggling to motivate and needing far more rest, weakening my productivity and ability to work for financial increase.

However, due to this unknown physical strain, lessons have been learned upon my mental and emotional that have strengthened a sense of peace and resolve within.  If the pandemic life taught me anything, it is such that time is what we decree it to be, there is no need to rush through life, always striving to succeed, never fully reaching satisfaction.  During the time of quarantine, both personal and corporate, I have realized the value in trusting in the flow of my inner guidance to help reach my chosen intentions and in such have achieved a sense of peace in prosperity, success being now something vastly different than what it was some two years ago, if not ten or even twenty.  

Thus, due to the issues of chronic illness of any variety, I have found the value in learning and listening to my body and soul's needs for self-care and rest and in that I find the strength to accomplish what is needed for that day, resting in the truth that all else will be achieved in its time. My purpose is to focus in on this present moment and rest in the fullness of that alone.

Moreover, I have discovered the beauty in the cleansing power of physical illness in such that it mirrors that of the spiritual dynamic.  In these last several years, I have witnessed a purge, or rather a cleansing, of a variety of relationship and connection that I once held dear yet proved to be toxic, that which the relation has exceeded its purpose and is necessary to drift away, the lessons learned from the time spent together.  Just as I witnessed both the positive and the pain from this removal, so to the feeling of a fever ravaging the body as it burns away the physical mirrors the cleansing of the soul.

In my deconstructive journey out of fundamentalism, I have come to the conclusion that, in a very real sense, all paths lead to God, something which my former fundie teachers would look at with dismay.  But, upon my journey from the trappings of fundie Christianity, I spent time looking into a variety of other spiritual practices and world religion, and what I discovered was that similar wordings, rhetoric, teachings, and methods were used across all variety of belief, whether pagan or organized.  Thus, my conclusion was such that the true purpose of living is seeking something beyond ourselves and such there is truth to the belief of the spiritual.  Thus, I see this time of chronic suffering, whether it be the physical fever or the pang of anxiety, as a means of cleansing, refinement, and clarity within.

In that, basing my intentions of purpose secured around my wellness journey, all is reached in the time it is meant to be.

Jekyll/Hyde

Another head hangs lowly

Child is slowly taken

And the violence, caused such silence

Who are we mistaken?

But you see, it's not me

It's not my family

In your head, in your head, they are fighting

Zombie

 Life and all that comes with it, even our human nature, are not ultimately defined as black or white, yet we all have the nuances of both light and dark within.  

Lately, I've been pondering over my life and recalling all the darkness within, the times I exploded with emotional outburst of rage, seemingly a plethora of times throughout and with much shame and destruction of some friendships along the way.  However, many remain and they have become more than friends but family as I am grateful for their camaraderie and companionship.  Why, I ask myself, are they still by my side, as it were, whether be it near or far, I remain in their heart?  

Due to my struggles with Bipolar and PTSD, I find in myself these times of both light and dark as reactions to the exterior world as well as internal beliefs that shaped my thinking causing the reactions.  This has been a lifelong struggle with the forces of light and dark, good and evil, within my being.  The struggle to understand why, to decipher out who I am, and to be at peace from the tumult of the storms within.

It is of such shame that I think of all the pain I inflicted while acting as my Hyde persona, the trauma I might have inflicted on so many that I may never be able to resolve or repair.  In that, I extend my apologies to the universe in hopes that it will reach my victims that they find healing and freedom.  With that, I do my best to persevere, work through my own myriad of traumatic experiences and unravel their effect.  

For so many years not having a real causation for this dark part of my soul, my Hyde, that when I would explode, I thought nothing of it as it was just a normalcy that was quickly covered over and the subject avoided.  A scant amount of healing, working through, or repercussion was brought upon me.  Thus, I had to learn the hard way of dealing with the difficulties of the wild swing of mood disorder built in with the abuse causing the reactivity of PTSD.  My emotional darkness exploitations were varied between the fight or flight depending on the relationship and circumstance.  Furthermore, flight would be a form of freeze as I would disappear into the safety of my own mind, spacing out away from the attack of the external. Fight would come later, when approached by someone who was not as threatening to me, and as a resulting factor of the previous abuse flung at me.  

Thus, it is really for all of us.  In the end, we all are capable of being a Jekyll and a Hyde, have the nuance of black and white, good and evil, light and dark within.  Often times, we judge others too harshly when confronted with the darker side, feeling their dislike, distrust, and paint ourselves in the light, as the victim of such reproach.  I can attest that I am guilty of this.  Other times, we judge ourselves the more harsh with the bitterness of self hatred and loathing, falling into the despair of depression.  Yes, I, too, am very guilty of this.  

Since, this propensity in all of us to light and dark, to be a Jekyll and a Hyde, we must then decide to work towards healing within and healing without.  Beginning within, ironing out the wrinkles and tarnishes from the stain of trauma on our soul, allowing us to heal, forgive, and resolve ourselves to admitting openly all of our facets.  Willingness to be open about our strengths and our flaws affords the ability to step back from the heat of the drama of attacking another and recognize that they too are confronted by the source of their own pain and reacting from that.  So, in the heat of the moment, pausing, stepping back and further outward almost as if the situation were a small speck in the grand scheme of the Universe, for it is, will bring about the realization that none are inherently good or evil.

So, with that I acknowledge my crazy within, resolve to not paint myself good or evil, light or dark, but embrace the nuances of my mind, whatever the causation, brought upon by all the circumstances and relations of my life knowing that all were lessons to shape my evolutionary journey towards wholeness and freedom.

Dreams

I know I felt like this before

But now I'm feeling it even more

Because it came from you

Then I open up and see

The person falling here is me

A different way to be

My Product Is My Service...

 

...My service is to share my journey towards wellness.

For the first few years of this entrepreneurial journey I have found myself upon, I struggled to find the reason and purpose, the brand and theme, for Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, to be more than just a little indie film company, but sustainable enough to allow me to leave the trappings of the varied normie jobs behind.  It was during the great quarantine of 2020 that I was allowed the opportunity to slow down, focus inward, prioritize, and discover that that which was the brand, the theme, and the purpose was always with me all along the way.

That is, the true reality of what it means to be a thriving artist and to go one further, to help others find and love their thrive.  

That saying, I have also discovered that part of doing that is by my transparency in my soul's evolution towards wholeness and healing, which will inspire others to pursue not only their art or soul's creative purposes but to seek inner healing so that they too may truly thrive.

So, with that, I would like to share some insights from my doctor's visit this morning, which left me a bit fatigued emotionally and spiritually.

Ten years ago, when I walked down the aisle towards not so wedded bliss, of which I had no such idea at the time, the idea was forced upon me to choose for birth control the lovely IUD, to be specific, Intrauterine Device, of the Paraguard variety.  I say, thrust upon me, because the idea was brought up and decided upon by someone outside my body and I, at the time, did not feel the strength to rebel against.

Truth be told, the IUD is one of the best forms of birth control out there and thus it wasn't all together a bad thing.  I heartily agree that having a child with that aforementioned husband would have been a disaster all in itself.

But, as I continue down this path, examining the traumatic effects of my life, I realize how not having authority over making my body's decisions throughout life has effected my ability to trust in myself, develop my personality, and believe in myself worth.

So, as the time was approaching the ten year mark, that which was the time to remove and, possibly, replace the IUD, I opted to remove, deciding then that I would make the decision for birth control aligning with what's right for my body based on my needs and desires.  At this point, in fact, I am purposely abstaining for the benefit of recovery from relationship addiction and thus to find value in the souls I am romantically partnered apart from and yet along with sexually (don't worry, I'm not returning to my fundie 'born again virgin' life), to see them thus not as objects to fulfill my emptiness (get your head out of the gutter!) but rather as souls to be seen and to see me.

I shared all of this history of My IUD story with my doctor and she was aghast at the reality of how and why it was thrust upon and inside of me.  

"You need this out," she proclaimed and as we went through the process of the stirrups, the cold, metal clamp, pulling at the string, we joked about how much women experience such agony, papsmears, menstruations, child birth, and still get paid less than men.  Thus, when she was finally able to remove, she pronounced, "And it's out."

She held it up to me, "Here it is, just here doing it's thing, you are free."

Thus, in that she is correct.  A sense of freedom washed over me and my vagina felt finally able to breathe and to experience the love it has so long deserved but has never been able to achieve, to be valued for all that it is, and be seen as the beautiful life giving self it truly is.

Fare the well, little IUD, you did the job you were required, not just of keeping out the sperm to 

impregnate, but to lead me towards the journey of overcoming society's mysogyny and truly finding freedom within.

Hallelujah

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Tune into the next week, in the continuing saga of Lia's recovery and healthy journey, when she begins the process of whitening teeth and thus abstains from coffee and wine for the duration. 

Unconventional Normalcy

 Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Lately, my deepest desire is for normalcy, that is, to gather myself finished with my work day in the early evening, have a nice dinner, relax in front of the tv or with a book, and go to bed.  But, in all truth, this change in me was slowly emerging back in the Before Times (pre-covid19) of 2019, when I was gradually becoming increasingly worn out from the culture and rat-race of the local theatre scene and although not admitting it to myself was ready for a change.  I recall saying this to myself and to my friends, "don't you ever just want to be normal?" 

I desired that, partially, yet at the same time I thought there was no way I could be content with that lifestyle.  Yet, in these times post-covid19 (perhaps), I feel a sense of normalcy has descended upon my life and my desires of my heart both personally and professionally have shifted to a slower pace.

Now, when I say I desire the normal day to day, in no way am I am referring to the 9-5 job, yes, this desire comes from a girl who logs online to certain websites for discreet modeling services, works diligently as a fine art model for the local colleges and a variety of art studios as well as a simulated patient at the local nursing college, dashes about town as a dog walker and house-sitter, among a smattering of other employment duties.  

Basically, I'm a ultra busy gig worker and with the onset of the time of Covid-19, I took the time to step back from the rat-race, re-prioritize, look within, heal, became centered, found myself, and thus here I am.  Finally, the gig work is increasingly lucrative as I set and attain my intentions slowly I rise, as it were.  But, albeit the busyness, I have learned the all to valuable lesson to close up shop for the night.  

As I take a pause from the life of a theatre actress, it has opened up new avenues for my creativity to expand.  With that, an increase of my abilities, finances, and overall self worth.

I was made for such a life of 'unconventional normalcy', I see that now.  But it was a long pathway to accept this in myself. 

During the time of Covid19, I took the time of quarantine 2020 and on into 2021, to focus inward on the recovery of my traumatic issues and examine how that has affected who I am, my bipolar diagnosis, and my relationships throughout my life.  It is not super comfortable to look back in time at the ugliness, the times my broken brain believed itself to be correct when it was in error, but one thing assures me with strength is the friends and other close ones who were about me then and many still to this day, a fact that astounds me.  Why, I wonder, am I really that special, worthy of such love unconditional?  I find in myself an embarrassment for how I treated such when in these episodes.

Yes, all of my life I would have these episodes, that I now recognize stem from a dual diagnosis of Bipolar and PTSD, the emotional reactivity of the latter influenced by the mood instability of the former, be it they outbursts of anger, intense sadness bordering on suicidal ideation, or somewhere in between.  In those times, I can recall that my mind honestly believed the thoughts racing through which perpetuated the outward reaction, which now I see the thoughts were that of dysfunction.  The majority of my life I carried within an overwhelming dislike of myself, a running commentary on my unworthiness of love, and an ever diminishing self esteem.  Putting aside the conversation about why this went un-examined for so much of my life until the age of 27, when due to a mental breakdown from the stress of working as a school teacher, I was forced to stop running and face myself.  Therein, was handed to me the first diagnosis correctly given, Bipolar.

Now, I can bemoan this in that I spent a good percentage of my youth in and out of a variety of recovery, trying to conform and increasingly feeling a failure because I couldn't, as well as mournfully comment on the reality that I missed out on that time of life...or I can realize the truth of who I am.

I am unconventional and that is just fine. My purpose here on this planet, I now see, is to be a catalyst of change, to strike against the status quo of social norms, and forge my own path, one that is about increasingly finding security within mental health and wholeness as well as that for others.

And, thus I am, at last, discovering my own version of the good life, more and more, true success is found in the little moments of joy.  The purr of my kitty, Tansy, the thrill of seeing my garden grow and eating the fruits (or veggies) of my effort, the friendship of good and loyal friends who have weathered the storms with me, whose encouragement has never wavered, and are more likened to family of sorts.  

With their strength, I find my own, to step out on my journey full of love and excitement for what shall unfold.

Brave

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Thriving Isn't Always Pretty

 

Human Race

The human race

I'm sick of running

Sick of running

Sick of running

The human race

The human race

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

One of the arenas of being an entrepreneur has been trying to find the focus, theme, and brand of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, not just in our media projects, both online and off, but in the overall business as a viable and active part of the community, both locally and globally.  
Little did I know, that the brand of Cafe-Girl had been and is a part of me and has been active via social media and my blog for more than when Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc was established.  
I think perhaps since about 2014, I have had an online Facebook group entitled "Artist Thriving Network".  (Feel free to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/artthrivestogether/)

In addition, I actively have a blog that is entitled "The Thriving Artist".  The idea behind that despite our circumstance, even if we do not have overwhelming material success and fame, we can still be thriving artists.  I decided then to marry the The Thriving Artist and Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, only to discover that they were already married.
Being a thriving artist means we actively pursue our artistic passions despite our circumstance, whether internal or external.  With the "new" brand focus of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, I will increasingly allow myself to be vulnerable, raw, and real.  I will be me, not just hold the business-woman mindset.  The following paragraphs detail my connection to my local theatre scene and the effects therein, my admitting why I have stepped back.  However, for those that are not local, I share this as well, with a hope to help those who read find their own healing and peace, as well as to bring openness and ability to share their stories.  
Together, we thrive beyond our circumstances.
Much Love,
Lia

For at least 3 plus years, I have stepped back from a considerable amount of activity in the Rogue Valley Theatre Scene. At the time, I referenced to a heavy workload both with my multiple normie jobs as well as Cafe-Girl. But, the truth of the matter is, I have PTSD and relationship trauma issues. An element of the theatre scene around here has become increasingly toxic to me, triggering to my emotional sense, and has led me feeling unsafe emotionally in certain theatres or around certain people. Honestly, it has led me to feel so emotionally despondent and upset that I am not "doing what is required of me" that I have contemplated suicide.
I have not felt the ability or freedom to express this, but with the change of 2020 that it is put upon us, it is now that I express myself.
I will no longer be made to feel bad if I don't attend a certain theatre event. If I do not feel emotionally safe in an environment or an event feels triggering to me, I need to take care of myself. I am in therapy now and have been working on this aspect of my life.
Relationships are give and take, but I feel too much of this element is giving with conditions. They give so they may receive, and if I don't give according to their desires, even if I give unconditionally in a different way, that isn't good enough. I will no longer support those that partake in this toxic practice. It is not good for me nor is it good for others, as well as those that are engaging in such activity. A way to change a behavior is to have a consequence. This is that consequence.
I am openly expressing myself, my pain, my trauma issues, not to shame anyone but to bring openness and understanding.
The truth of the matter is, I do support the local theatre and artistic community in a myriad of fashion. I attend events when I feel it is coming from a place of unconditional love on my part, as well as the receiver, that they will love me no matter if I attend or not, not "unfriend me" because I didn't attend. Yes, that has happened. Now, you all know why, not out of spite, but due to my PTSD. I share this, not to belittle, shame, or anger, but to open up the conversation and bring understanding.
I love you all and wish you healing, with hopes that you have and will take the enormity of the intensity of 2020 to reflect, process, prioritize, and make the changes necessary in you to become a healthy person and truly thriving artist.

Iris

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

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Yet Another Blog About PTSD

Sunday evening it happened again. 

I had an anxiety attack triggered by a traumatic occurrence; a reminder of abuse.  I spiraled, spiraled until I was unable to feel anything but the fear and sobbed.  All I could do was go home and retreat to my safe place.  Increasingly, in the last 7 years, I have retreated more and more from the world, actively choosing in a hyper-vigilant way my daily life activities based on what may impact my perceived physical and emotional wellbeing whether positive or negative, however slight or massive.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I want to first start by showing the symptoms of PTSD, otherwise known as "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". 

Taken from the website: https://blackbearrehab.com/mental-health/ptsd/signs-and-symptoms-of-ptsd/

Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD include the following:

• Intense feelings of distress when reminded of a tragic event
• Extreme physical reactions to reminders of trauma such as a nausea, sweating or a pounding heart
• Invasive, upsetting memories of a tragedy
• Flashbacks (feeling like the trauma is happening again)
• Nightmares of either frightening things or of the event
• Loss of interest in life and daily activities
• Feeling emotionally numb and detached from other people
• Sense of a not leading a normal life (not having a positive outlook of your future)
• Avoiding certain activities, feelings, thoughts or places that remind you of the tragedy
• Difficulty remembering important aspects of a tragic event

I don't want to unpack each of the symptoms listed above and how they are reflected in my life.  Nor do I want to re-hash the various causes of my PTSD, that runs the gamut from domestic violence at the hands of my spouse, religious trauma, toxic friendships, and even more.

This is not the time or place for me to openly detail the horrors of my past, but I must say that I frequently relive the horrific events of my past, the effects of which run through my mind like a depressing theatrical play bent on maintaining my belief in my unworth and lack of self confidence.  This leads to a wide plethora of the above symptoms such as loss of interest in life and activities I once enjoyed, otherwise known as a pervading depression that just has become my normal way of being, thus detaching from relationships and friends due to an overwhelming degree of lack of trust and belief that I will be hurt again, and an avoidance of certain activities and places due to my categorizations of "good" and "bad" people and places, or rather "safe" and "unsafe". 

All of this has led my life to become increasingly rigid with overly strict boundaries.  It is difficult for me to be as spontaneous as I once was, a fact that saddens me.  I once self-described myself to some degree, and I think my friends' would agree, as carefree and zestfully on the quest to find the comedic aspects of life and enjoy it to the highest possible degree.  Not so anymore.

Now, I plan any social events weeks in advance, often finding myself dreading the activity as the date grows closer, praying and hoping fervently that the plans will be postponed or, even better, cancelled. It is a frequent joke of comedians this idea  such as "Cancelled plans are like heroin" quips John Mulaney, but for me they are even more so, they are an active sigh of relief that I can retreat within to the safety of my own secure boundary of protection, no threat of harm when my world is increasingly enclosed.

And, in the moments when I cannot evade the panic attack of a ptsd triggered event?  It is just as mentioned above and more, the extreme physical reactions for me come out as increased breathing, sobbing, racing mind full of fear, and flight more often that fight.

Why am I sharing this today? Because it helps to share, to let my own darkness be dispelled by the light of truth.  For not living in the darkness and stepping into that truth is the truest pathway to peace and healing. 

Furthermore, as I step into this life as an entrepreneurial small business owner running an independent film production company, I ask myself, "what is my brand?"  For a good time, I could not answer the question or sought out arenas that felt not easy to articulate, let alone flourish.  Why? Because they were not truthful to me nor who I am. Then, finally the answer of my brand, my speciality for my business, came fluttering into my mind, with the realization of this blog and the notion of "Thriving Artist", as well as the Facebook group: Artist Thriving Network .  My brand is me, my story, my struggles to survive and even more so, to thrive.  It is in the openness to speak and share how I overcome that brings the most traction and connection.  So to, my mission in this brand is to help others to live in that light of truth by actively and boldly (despite the trepidation of their own fears) share their stories of learning to thrive through a variety of medium available to them afforded to them within the construct of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.

So, what do you think? Want to share your story? Comment below and I will respond.  Or email us at: cafegirlproductions@gmail.com

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

I'm not networking anymore!

Yesterday I had a post traumatic stress break, like an anxiety attack but so much worse. 

I know that I have mentioned before somewhat about my abusive past, but always with certain limitations.  In truth, I haven't really dealt with the inner issues and fall-out since I left my abusive ex-husband in 2013, and slowly realized the extent of all the abusive types I had allowed into my life since childhood, from friends, spiritual teachers, and boyfriends alike.  I imagined that if I forgave the abuser, not forgotten, that I had learned my lesson and could truly move forward.  But, there is a difference between moving forward and being healed.  Because moving forward can become akin to busyness, to forget, nullify, and distract. 

It has come to my attention these last several months that I have not truly overcome my post traumatic issues and, in fact, have learned that I am one that buries deep my feelings to run from, distract, avoid and can seem aloof to others.  Although I am indeed a deeply compassionate person with a ton of emotions right at the surface, my past traumatic experiences have taught me that it is not safe to reveal and have throughout a plethora of relationship styles (friend, lover, etc) lost my security in trusting.

So, due to my not having the insurance coverage, I was unable to see a therapist after leaving my abusive ex-husband.  I mean, I did have ways to cope and could have attended free support groups with other victims, beyond that of social media ones, but I did not.  It is true that I spent a good chunk of my younger days, twenty-six to thirty, in a myriad of therapy options so I had a good understanding of how to cope and care for myself.  So, with all that said, I imagined that I was doing quite well, in spite of it all.  

But, at the end of the day, I never truly grew, healed, or truly released myself from the past traumatic events.  I have lived as if the world around me and those I came into contact were still a constant threat.  I mean, yes there were certain element of healing through forgiving my past bullies but I never truly understood the extent the purpose of why I experienced all the abuse from so many different formats, why I chose to allow those individuals to hurt me the way they did or even why they chose to victimize me.  But, I'm starting to see clearly the answers therein.

Truth be told, because of this, I was and still can be quite reactive and defensive in the face of presumed threats to my security, both physically and emotionally.   Others that have not experienced the layers of abuse that I have experienced may have found this confusing, this over-reactions I have had at times.  For my part, I was constantly under the delusion that I was being taken advantage of and that ultimately I was not loved.

Although there have been some healing throughout the last several years, it wasn't until last December that the scales of hiding fell away from my eyes and I began to clearly see myself.   That was when I finally did a psychiatric intake for mental health counseling that I realized I still needed to work on my trauma issues. 

In reality, I used my abusive past as a crutch to hide, to run away from relationships, from getting to close to my friends.  I expected those that cared for me to hurt me so I made it so they did.  I never fully explained my reasoning, from the outside I can look fully sufficient, competent, and dare I say, happy.  For the most part, I am.  Through therapy, I have realized that it's not healthy to put up barriers and avoid certain places and people that I deem unsafe and threatening.  You mean, I could someday attend these places without feeling like I need to have an escape route at all times. 

This is still a novel concept as I have been living with the way of super-protective boundaries for almost a decade, if not longer, now.  And, its a daily norm for me that I run through the voices of my abusers' lies and tactics to destroy and keep me submissive. And sometimes try to talk back, defensive now when I couldn't speak up then as the victim.

This is all to say that my look at socializing or being with people has been altered. (And not just in the light of COVID-19 and all that implies either.)  When we do get around to opening our world again, my take on all that has transformed, evolved, if you will.

Yes, it is true that with the onset of starting my production company and still having to work several part-time survival gigs, and with balancing all of that, it gives me little time to unwind and relax.  I am a self professed, proud introvert, always have been and always will be.  I love more than anything being by myself and as I continually heal, I find more and more comfort being with me. 

Yes, I have to stay busy, I have to be productive or my life isn't worth anything, is a constant thread running through my mind.  I often have trouble watching a TV show or movie, because I feel guilty even doing that, relaxing by myself, at times.  

Also, due to the bullies of my past, I find myself feeling guilty if I decline to participate in their invites. Its not a personal attack or an insult to them, but more to myself, when I decline or not show up.   I recognize that it may appear that way but its due to my own feeling of not being safe that leaves me wanting to stay home.  But, because I believe that getting healthy requires me to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, I will not be afraid to set my boundaries and to say no when I cannot attend.  However, I will do my best to attend those I can and show support of my friends and colleagues. 

But, I must dig even deeper in my personal revelations here, showing why "I'm not networking anymore" as the title states.  Truth be told, when I wrote the first draft of this article, the following paragraphs were very accusatory, possibly insulting.  I stepped away from the computer, went on a walk, and realized that wasn't my intention.  As I grow healthier in my journey, I realize that the majority of the folks I come across are not narcissistic abusive types and in fact have their own pain that causes reactive outbursts and misunderstandings.  My intention in writing this is not to wound but to be authentic.  As I begin to release those toxic individuals who have abused me, even more so I must release those that do not willingly want to cause me harm.  And, thus I do.  We are all on the journey towards our own wholeness, a path that is truly singular to ourselves. At times, we may cross paths and help each other in a variety of ways.  Some may be a friend, others foe but regardless we learn and grow more fully into who we truly are.

That said, though, when I choose to accept an event from a friend, to a play, a party, or what have you, it will no longer be to play the game political of "quid pro quo, you scratch mine, I scratch yours, tit for tat", that is so insidious and present in the theater and film world.  I personally see that as inauthentic and detrimental to myself as a friend and artist.  I choose to attend to show my love and support of my friend, not for any gain of myself.  Because if I attend, it is with many an hour of fretting, concern for my emotional safety, planning my eventual release (ie, how long will I stay, etc), before I ever set foot in the door.  And, that said, if a person chooses not to attend an event of mine, I will not take it personal, nor shun them from my life or future events.  

No, I don't play those games and nor will I be bought. And, neither, dear ones, do you have to be bought by me.  My love remains, whether we remain side by side or our paths diverge, my love remains.  Circumstances change, life pushes us forward, but my love stays with you.  I am learning to expect no less for myself.

Furthermore, I am realizing that the power of forgiveness extends only so far.  Yes, I can forgive all that have wronged me, but I do not have to accept back into my life those that continue to inflict.  The most important key factor here is, I have a choice and so do you.  If your choice requires you to depart from me, my love remains as I have said and travels with you.  I see now that it is my decision to pursue the positive rather than dwell on the negative, thus by doing so the positive becomes abundant.  No, I do not want to exclude any dissension in my surroundings, but do expect complete honesty and, if needed, constructive criticism from my loved ones, still I choose that element that uplifts rather than tries to destroy.

Lastly, I do not seek an abundance of praise for my creative pursuits any longer.  I do hold gratitude in my heart with abundance of appreciation for those that give support and encouragement, as I give to them.  But, I realize now that its not in the quantity, but the quality.  Whether one person reads this blog or a hundred, the effect is still the same.  Did I enjoy the act of writing and creating? Did this creative endeavor bring me pleasure, make me smile, build me up in someway? If I can answer yes to that, I know that I am successful.  From that, I can see that those that are meant to read or view my creative outlets will be those that need and find the most value from it.  

Life is not about quantity, but quality.  I hope we all grow further into a deeper understanding of that reality.  

I have dreams, not that you're not lying

Next to me

I can sleep, I can rest in peace

I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails

I'm not burning up like I'm in hell

I can sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6Wc1QICflo

Whether you are or disagree with the above writings, feel free to leave your comments below. I do read them and will respond! 

Also, The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a small business that seeks to bring awareness to a variety of social issues that will impact the world for the better.  Consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  And, thank you.