Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 64: I'm a Brenda, Here's Why! #relive...

Hello! In this episode, I dive deeper into my emo-early depressive years with hyper focus on my need for love & external validation, especially from, get this, an emotionally unavailable boy, this time in the form of "Princess Bride Boyfriend'. I share a few interesting quotes that I wrote down for some reason, including one with it's own backstory. There's also a surprise guest near the end! Thanks for watching! Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy/

TimeSick Episode One: TimeLord Unlocked #doctorwho #fanfiction #fanart #...

Romana & Susan make a shocking discovery, The Rani & The Master scheme for power, & The Lackey reunites with an old friend. Directed by Brittany Hreha Written by Lia-Liz Rose Dugal TimeSick is lovingly dedicated to the memory of Mary Tamm, Catherine Hansen, Talla Mitchell, Mort & Elizabeth Perle, Larry Hreha, Lee Courcey, & Dal Carver.

Journaling Through The Years, Episode 63: The Emo & The Follower #journa...

Hello! In this episode of Journaling Through The Years, I share the beginnings of my emo, first depressive break with some overly melodramatic prose and a short story! Jesus Loves Queer Merchandise/Fundraiser for The Trevor Project: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

For A Friend Becoming #Fundie

 

The Cult We Grew Up In - Calvary Chapel w/ Musician GayFesh

I have shared often through this blog as well on other facets of social media and in my personal life about my past experience involved with what I believe to be a fundamentalist church (cult-lite), Calvary Chapel, how and why I left, and the ways I found myself deconstructing from the effects of spiritual abuse and manipulation.  When I left in 2010, (See: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2016/08/on-day-i-left-calvary-chapel.html), I had a lot of pain and anger to sift through, waylaid by my falling headfirst into another disastrous toxic relationship with my now ex-husband, followed by years of toxic friendships to disentangle, but within all of that timeframe, after 6 years of being 'out and away' from the clutching control of Calvary Chapel, I felt my mind becoming fully free.  No longer did I fear the condemnation if I was not attending regularly the multitude of weekly services of Calvary, studying the Bible, the word as they refer to it, based on their teachings, and maintaining an identity that confirms to their will.  Even so much as my morning quiet time, devotionals as its called, if I had failed to do such, even after 6 years of leaving, if something occurred wrong, something as simple as a car break-down, would at one point derail me into fears of what I should have done to prevent.  

I recall the day of an actual car breakdown, the moment I finally felt free from the clutches.  It was another bad experience with the PT Cruiser, which I now unlovingly refer to as a "Piece Of Crapper", and upon returning after a dog walk and trying to start, it would not.  Anger at first at the once again of a regularly repeated occurrence, then the heart sinking feeling of the prescribed fear base teachings whispering "if only you had been obedient" came rushing upwards.  But, this time, at that particular moment, reason took over brought in by the love of other former fundie friends whose laughter had brought healing and the lack of not being a part of the control for then 6 years made it also possible, to fully and finally achieve grace.  Looking down in the car console, I saw my friend's toy sonic screwdriver left there from a few days ago filming.  Happily, I picked it up and gleefully sat playing with it while waiting for the tow truck.  On that moment, I was fully and finally free from the fundamentalist toxic control of Calvary Chapel.

As the days and years progressed, there were other avenues and connections of abuse to disentangle and heal, but my religious abuse was relieved.  No longer did I feel the anger, the heart-break, the need to rescue those still involved.  Instead, I felt the warmth of gratitude for their season in my life and the overall experience, both positive and negative, it taught me in my soul's evolution.  No longer do I feel the need to comment to correct or am triggered by something they post that no longer aligns with my socio-political or spiritual beliefs.  If I feel the need to address something, I reach out to them privately.  I no longer feel the need to 'save the saved from being saved'.  

In my spirituality now, as born-again wiccan (I lightly practiced such in high school and college) and agnostic, I no longer feel this pressing need to convert anyone to any ways of my personal thought or belief (unless it pertains to Night Court being the best TV show ever, obviously I am compelled to do that).  

All that to say, recently a sweet friend started posting about her conversion experience to Christianity.  In her early twenties, this dear friend found her way into the confines of a local Calvary Chapel in recent years, seems to become heavily to lightly to then heavily involved, seemingly based around personal life troubles and adjustments.  Her story and connection to Calvary Chapel is all too familiar to mine.  Like her, I discovered Calvary Chapel's brand of Christianity in my early twenties when a boyfriend dragged me to church, the same boyfriend who was emotionally abusive and controlling, during the early days of my mental illness breakdown.  Similarly, my friend has shared with me and others her struggles with a very toxic and abusive familial upbringing.  I relate hard to this and can fully understand how on the surface, of which I, too, experienced in the early days of my Calvary life, seem in direct opposition to that of the abusive.  

But, that which will eventually become an abuser does not first come out as abusive, rather, there are tactics that are taken to instigate and ensnare, the first being that of 'love-bombing'.  What seemingly feels as authentic friendship and positive attention, and sometimes is, takes on a sinister meaning when the reasoning behind is to eventually control.  Now, I must admit that there were for me connections within Calvary that were positive, and most likely for my friend, however, there was and is an element that the purposes for overwhelming positive attention falls into a area increasingly more toxic.  Coming from a shaky place of instability of emotion, trauma in early life and mental illness, makes one more susceptible to anything that appears, at least, on the surface to be an antithesis of that.

All this to say, I cannot openly and directly share this with my friend or anyone else involved with Calvary or another high control religious organization, nor do I desire to spend my time trying to convince, for it will fall on deaf ears and be meant with an offense.  Furthermore, I hold no anger towards belief in any form of spirituality.  Rather, everyone has their path to lead in life, their journey to take, for the reasons based on the circumstances and lessons to be learned.  Furthermore, in the early stages of the love-bombing within any toxic relationship, the abused will not have the ability to see the flaws, the cracks, the disturbances that will eventually lead to despair.  

But, for my friend as well as others involved, I can continue to be present when needed as a friend, to offer a listening ear sans judgment, advice if wanted.  I can show that authenticity of love and friendship does exist outside of the confines of the church.  And, I can make myself available when and if this person needs to make the traumatic decision to break away, as I did, and hold space as they navigate the painful process of deconstruction.

7 Tips for Helping Someone Out of a Cult

What does SUCCESS look like?

 

When you think of the word "Success", what comes to mind? Your star on the Hollywood walk of fame, a red carpet premiere, your name in lights, a home in the Hamptons? What if success meant something more simple, merely arising in the morning and achieving something, anything, even a small endeavor accomplished? I ask you, dear reader, when you finalize that one simple goal of the day, even such as putting the trash out, paying a silly bill, or making the bed, do you not feel a sense of satisfaction? 

Success as defined by my search engine, Ecosia: 

success

səkˈsɛs

(noun)

1.) the accomplishment of an aim or purpose.

2.) the attainment of fame, wealth, or social status.

3.) a person or thing that achieves desired aims or attains fame, wealth, etc..

4.) the good or bad outcome of an undertaking. archaic

The first of the definitions above is simply the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. In this society of which we live, specifically that of the United States of which I reside, we place such important on wealth and acquiring the finer things as markings of success, feeling as failures if we have not those finer things another has achieved. These finer things may not always be material but may be an accomplishment we personally have had lifelong learnings, such as a nice home, a fancy car, a public award or acknowledgment. Seeing another achieve can leave us feeling dejected or hopeless, unable to see the successes, the blessings, we have already achieved and accomplished.

However, perhaps that's the fault of our own insecurities to see success as some grandeur always unattained yet never to fully realize that the small steps taken each day lead us further in our soul's evolution, towards a deeper, meaningful life of fulfillment of which is the true embodiment of success.

In each step of the journey we traverse, success can be found for within each is the challenge in and of itself. Each new day brings its struggles to overcome, some within that timeframe and others to actualize later. But no matter how long, the steps of one after another once taken are in themselves moments of success to be reveled upon. All we have in this life is truly the moment we find ourselves, thus finding success within each step is the key to true happiness and peace.

Selling Point #indiefilm #collegefilm #klamathfalls #bikes

Flashback to the first film I ever did, in 1999ish, college indie film by Bergen Swanson.

I played a dysfunctional wife & mother, because of course I did.

And, I was cute but didn't know it.

#indiefilm #collegedays #firstfilmever #sellingpoint #klamathfalls #film

KGEP: That Time We Were Young & Weird #GHS #GMS #Geyserville #Educationa...

When I was young & awkward & weird, unlike now, when I'm so smooth & not young... Also featured some really cool peeps when they were young & cute. KGEP: The News from The Wonderful 90s

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 62: Empath & Relationship Addiction #r...

In this episode, I finalize my "kitty" journal, share the end result of my relationship with MMM-Bird & Not Sandler, discuss my thoughts on my first year of high school, my excitement over the summer, and close with some memorable quotes on love, plus I share how to be a healthy empath. (The gofundme for David M. Nienow has ended. If you want to help his mother, please email me at cafegirlproductions@gmail.com) Jesus Loves Queer Fundraiser for The Trevor Project & Promotion for "I Am Fine" : https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

Remembering David #inlovingmemory #intheshapeofyou

Jewel - The Shape Of You (with lyrics)

I recall, last time you were here Your laughter a melody that lingers still

Nearly a month ago, on May 5th, 2023, I lost one of my best friends, David, surprisingly, unexpectedly, gone.  The last several weeks have been a blur of work and helping his mother with the life shift of which she now finds herself.  The mourning from his absence has not fully set itself upon me, mostly during this time, I have felt a sense of numb shock of disbelief.  I keep finding myself expecting to hear from him over social media, a private message about some creative project he just dreamed up and of which he wishes me to collaborate, a remark or comment on something I have newly posted, a word of encouragement, an inside joke.

Only to then be hit with the truth of it not ever being a reality again.  No longer will I see his broad smile as he approaches, his fancy hat atop his head adorned with matching coat, coming to hang out or help with a project, waving me in excitedly at his studio for a photography session, or his boisterous giggle cheering others along at the local public access TV studio he loved so much.  

David's heart was large enough to include all he met as chosen family in an instant of knowing, a patient sense of non-judgment for all he met, seeing them as they are and not what he wanted from them.  His enjoyment was simple, in being with those he loved, exploring their creativity alongside his, a forever champion for those he held dear.  His heart was bruised by betrayal yet it remained soft enough to continue to love, in times of good and times of hardship, he was a loyal soul always ready for whatever was needed.

I have had the privilege and honor of meeting up with many of those he held especially dear, sifting through his wide variety of creative projects he birthed.  David's influence upon the world, the mark he left behind, was diverse upon the hearts of many.  He will not be forgotten, his presence lingers still within those who loved and love him still.  

I have yet to truly cry, but I feel a sense of peace, as if my friend's strong presence and reassurance is still abiding within, encouraging me to persevere, excited for the projects swirling in my mind, an ever present and enthusiastic cheerleader upon my soul.  

In high school, I attended a YMCA summer camp called "Ravencliff" in the hills of Humboldt County, where I heard the story of Yellow.  Yellow was a princess surrounded and protected by only that of Yellow, shielded by her parents warning her about the foreboding outside world.  But, as is necessary, she eventually finds her way into the great beyond, discovering to her horror, at first, that every time she meets, then departs from someone, she is different from whom she was.  But, she finally discovers these differences have only made her better, for she carries the lessons learned and memories shared from each person experienced and after all is said and done, she is now "Rainbow", no longer merely Yellow.

David brightened my life with hope and real love, turning me into "Rainbow Lia".  The mark he left upon me will burn forever bright with the intention to do likewise for those I know and have yet to meet. 

This hole in my heart 

and so I'll carry it wherever I go 

Like a treasure that travels with me down every road

There's this longing lonesome ending

kind of bitter, kind of sweet 

There's a hole in my heart 

There's a hole in my heart 

There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

An excerpt from Broken by Jenny Lawson