2023 A Retrospective #lookingbackissteppingforward #healing #release

 

Lisa Thiel - Invocation

I call upon Powers of East and Air 

and all of the energies pure and fair 

Powers of wisdom and clarity, 

Powers of the winged ones and of Faerie 

Powers of thought and of the mind,

 ideas that inspire human kind 

Power of hope and the eternal dawn, 

Power to begin anew and continue on 

Powers of the Air, be with us this night, 

bring your blessing to this Rite

As I sit here typing in the dying embers of the year 2023, another year of life slipping away, to birth the new freshness of what comes next, I find myself meditative as I ponder the extent of all that was encapsulated in this year.  As New Year's Eve approaches, I always become less festive than the other 'winter holidays', more inward focused and self-reflective.  And, this year has been one for the books, I tell you, so much having occurred within and without, that I scarcely can believe that its been only a mere 12 months.  With all that I personally have packed in, added to that the immensity of craziness the outside world seems to constantly erupt, this year, similar to other recent years, feels as if a multitude of twelve month span happened.  

Personally, it's been a year of expansive healing, finally feeling the real fullness of release and letting go, through my artistic endeavors seeping into relationship.  Starting with the film project, I AM FINE, where I shared the story of a young man's struggle with his sexuality amidst a controlling religion, tied into my own personal demons with religious trauma.  Time connecting deeply with the actors on set and off allowed me to begin to find the strength to stand up, speak out, and be heard, for myself as well as for those unable.  This led to deepening relationship with other religious trauma survivors of my denomination's ilk and reuniting with another.  Finally, I bravely penned a letter to a religious leader whose words and actions poisoned my path towards healing. 

This was the beginnings of unraveling the toxicity of mistrust in relationships, of wanting to flee to the assumed safety of my home, living like it was still 'lockdown' somewhere.  But, the inkling of connectivity in those early days of the years coupled with the reality of now several years in therapy and my recovery, I began to open up a little, to trust, to explore relationships, specifically what pure and healthy interactions look and feel like, in contrast to what I had experienced.  It became easier and easier to walk away, to pull up the weeds of the toxic, and see the roses of healthy connections bloom.  

From a small ragtag group of friends who once again awakened in me the crazy night-time shenanigans to be had in Ashland to joining a 12 step group to at last begin my healing of my relationship addiction, my understanding of real and healthy relationship continues to deepen and awaken my self worth.

Creativity continues to be the utmost balm of healing and release, stories told as an unraveling of self-discovery, making meaning out of madness and pain, in order to fully release and step forward. I continued with my "Journaling Through The Years" vlog series, started in 2020, where I read an entry from my journals I have written in throughout every phase of my life, commenting on and sharing with as much authenticity as possible.  Diving deep within the pages of my life has afforded me the grace to understand myself, to recognize the love that was always with me even when unable to see, and has helped me further in understanding and forgiving not merely myself but those I care for deeply.

Journaling Through The Years

I have continued to deepen my view of self as an artist, branching out from 'actor' to work behind the camera as director, cinematographer, graphic artist.  Moreover, I have continued to delve into the fine arts both as painter and drawer and in my happily chosen profession as an 'art model'.  As I hungrily digest story after story of real-life art models down through the ages, listen hard to the discussions of the craft of fine art while in classes modeling, I find myself diving deeper into an appreciation for my profession, the history of it, and its value for my own life as an evolving and thriving artist. 

My understanding of the craft of acting has deepened as well with my intense study of acting teachers from Stanislavsky on up.  These studies are part of my awakening abilities as entrepreneur, with the building of the lesson plans for my courses, "Acting For Everyone" and "How To Be A Life Model", with other courses to come.  However, the gift I was unaware of as I began was that myself as an actor and artist has deepened and broadened.

Through all this, I have learned the value of mindfulness in daily life, not always having to get down on a mat in weird 'twister-like' positions, but simply to take in each moment with a child-like awareness.  Blessed experiences of life are found in the simple, need not be manufactured or planned, if only to be open oneself to all that surrounds, peering at the beauty of a piece of the inside of a tree bark, black birds perched in an empty tree, the beautiful eye contact with a dear kindred spirit, laughter, deep hugs, truly listening, deep conversations, good food.  

This is what I take with me into 2024, not the list of 'resolutions' to do better, but the simple moment of awakening each day, to try and not give up, to believe in the journey, not the destination, continuing those on my long-held intentions, those that I have achieved live within as promises that others will come to fruition, but knowing that it is not in my power to decree when, but merely to rest in the small and large steps.  After all, " The Journey Of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step."

And that, dear one, is the secret to 2024, to each day, week, month, year that comes, one single step follows another.  

Always remember, as I say in my "Journal" vlog series,

You matter, Your life matters, You are loved, & You Are Worthy Of Love.  

And, my ultimate wish for you in the new year and always is, to

Love Your Thrive & Find Your Sunshine

Join us Sunday, December 31st as we look back on Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Year: 

 Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists, LLC 2023 Memory Reel #lookingback #steppingforward #heal #thrive

Eye For Film #myjourney #indiefilmmaker #contentcreator

 I realized recently that I have always had an eye for film, no matter how others sought to devalue, deconstruct, discourage my artistic pursuits. 

As a child, I was an avid photographer, saving up to purchase my own camera at the tender age of 9 to taking summer classes on the art of shooting black & white and learning the stages of home development.  My father set up a dark-room in the cool backroom of my childhood home's basement and I spent many an hour practicing, watching the images I had shot bleed into life in the tray below.  Then, examining the highs and lows of each photograph, deciding upon what I liked, what I did right, and which areas to improve upon.  Most of these early childhood images were my pets, such as, this one below of my beloved kitty, Escher, of which I didn't find the photograph that well taken or produced at the time but now I find a precious piece of my personal history.

So, what does this have to do with being a filmmaker? The early origins of my life creating photography enhanced my ability to view all the world behind a 'lens', even when not holding a camera.  It is true as I grew my early childhood passions were devalued in a sense and I was made to feel as if my focus should be upon more serious endeavors.  Thus, I became an enthusiastic cheerleader of my artist friends, inwardly envious at the path they were creating for themselves.  Having to relinquish all of my creative pursuits, seen only as hobbies at best and childhood whims at worst, was another nail in the cross of crucifying myself leading to a shaky instability and sadness at my core.  The past meltdowns and anger outbursts were the result not of 'original sin from ol' Adam and Eve, but from the sin of feeling less than and unworthy from continuous outward entanglements of which I thought were trustworthy.  All this to say, the inner desire to create, to thrive as an artist, always revealed itself, sometimes in outbursts of wrath proclaiming an inner misery, and other times through my endless journaling and play-writing.  The starving artist is, in fact, not the reality of the glorification of the struggle to make ends meet, but a person whose inner desire to make art is sacrificed for the acceptance of the status quo, the effects therein of personal hatred lead to the starving, not thriving.

Film-making was another aspect disrespected by those I was raised, seen as commercial at best and lacking any artistic value at worst.  The plethora of film and media, TV sitcoms and reality based shows, coupled with the toxicity of the Hollywood culture abounding, gave a good case for such degradation.  Yet, stemming from my early childhood autodidactic teaching in photography coupled with my incessant desire for the perfect script, my eye acted as a lens as I viewed the outside world.  Throughout my early days of the mental health breakdown, this view of the world helped make sense of my crumbling world.  

In 2016, when I started gathering actors and a ramshackle crew alike together to create my corny little scripts, I still maintained the inner devaluing of my work in indie film.  I did not see that what I was birthing upon the world mattered in anyway.  Now, I recognize that those early, timid days creating what we could with poor quality equipment were not so much about the quality of the output but rather the inner strengthening of self esteem and worth for all involved.  Not too mention, the closeness of family from the experience of such project with promises of life-long love and commitment.  Those first steps of self-creation were the balm of healing I needed to relinquish the wounds of external disempowerment leading to my true calling that of a 'thriving artist' following, creating her own path from her own inner desire.