You Can't Pick The Parts You Want!

 In my life currently, I am in a continuous place where the veil between reality and the ethereal is fluttering open, making me all the more aware and present of the truth beyond the visible.  To help explain, last Sunday I had a both painful and profoundly growing experience. 

Currently, I am a part of the first ever Vagina Monologues in Ashland (well, that not of any affiliation with the college).  Its been amazing to be once again apart of such a beautiful production, fourth time is a charm, right? I love to see how the beautiful stories are spoken each time in a dynamic and different form through the different voices sharing the stage alongside me.  The time before I felt a very tight kinship with the cast, one that continues strong to this day.  Sisters for life, to be certain, myself being the big sister in that bunch.

This time around I am not the big sister, more like one of the middle sisters, or something of that fashion.  Its been inspiring to see the words come forth out of multi-generational women, as the years enhance understandings of the truths on the page that bring out deeper meanings and layers.

Okay, back to my most profound and painful experience.  Last Sunday, we had our dress rehearsal.  It was the first time the majority of us were together.  There we were under the lights and hearing the show play out fully, each monologue flowing after the other.  Now, I had mistakenly forgot to call in a prescription (I have since then received it) on Saturday, so the effect of not having the medicine was enhancing my already sensitive soul.  As the monologues tumbled together, the truths my sisters' shared were awash of emotions over me.  By the end, I was felt as an exposed nerve, raw and fragile. 

The girls around me were buzzing with activity and because of my current emotional state I kept fighting the trap of feeling wounded, doing the mental gymnastics of continually reminding myself, its all in my head.  Now, I know truthfully that none were upset, that I was in that raw, emotional place and my sensitivity was not truly known to them or understood.  I do not have any hard feelings towards them, rather my heart is all the more in love with each.  Here's why.

After rehearsal, as I climbed into bed to sleep the night away, allowing my emotionally drained mind a necessary respite, I had a sudden revelation.  Emotions are not scary but necessary lessons to awaken us to deeper truths.  We all have the tendency to flee out of fear when the opportunity of being hurt rises up, for whatever reason, and in that to begin to distrust, devalue, even dislike.  As I lay there in my bed, overwhelmed with feelings, I decided to accept my emotional state and in that to accept not only the girls of whom I share the stage, but all people as they are moment by moment.  For, unless we are known narcissists lacking empathy, no one is perfect, all are capable of positive and negative emotions.  All can love, all can hate.  To truly be in relationship, we have to come together in honesty, accepting all parts of each other.  In reality, "you can't pick the parts you want" (quote from the monologue, Hair). 

I think the beauty of the Vagina Monologues is not only helping individual women find healing, wholeness, and empowerment, but bringing about true healing between the relationships women share.  For my part, my interpersonal relationships with my gender have often been fraught.  Each time I do the Vagina Monologues, my heart softens and not only am I able to forgive myself, the women in the past who have wounded, but open myself a little more to the beauty of authentic female friendship.  In that, I began to rise to the full length of my being.

In the words of the monologue, "The Vagina Monologues", I believe knowing women can be reflected:

"The thing that surprised me the most was all the layers.  Layers inside layers, opening into more layers...It was better than the Grand Canyon, ancient and full of grace.  It had the innocence and freshness of a proper English garden.  It was funny, very funny.  It made me laugh.   It could hide and seek, open and close."

Vagina Monologues

With A Little Help From My Friends

Hair: What Is It There For?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Nine

So, its me, Tiffany Kimberly Ryan.  I went back to my maiden name after divorcing the fabulous Timothy Armonds.  Sarcasm implied.

At present, I am 31 years old, single with two cats, living and working in San Francisco for an advertising company as the head receptionist to the big man on top, who leers sexually at me.  I've done my best since I started working there two years previous to distract his come-ons.

A year before moving to San Francisco, I divorced my husband, the what turned out to be the not so fabulous Timothy Armonds.  I moved here to find myself, or rather to get away from my past, you decide.  I guess I've been sort of drifting, filling a space in the void of my own existence, going through the motions as it were.  I guess I've pretty much given up on life and love.

I studied marketing and business in college but dropped out just shy of a year to graduate when the not so fabulous Timothy came into my life and we quickly married.  I should have known better, but live in learn, I guess.

See, one of my husband's pleasures was the "shaved pussy" look; the porn star or stripper appeal, at best.  At first, I tried to please him by shaving it myself and then allowing him to, if I didn't, he cheated.  Can you imagine the types of girls he "stepped out" with? Yes, the aforementioned stripper types!  After awhile, the high discomfort of the hairless exposed vagina became less of a desire for me than trying to please my husband and I learned a valuable lesson.

Hair is there for a reason but more so, the importance of myself and my choices for my body.  But, I'm still alone.

I've been seeing a therapist these last few years.  Due to her encouragement, I finally enrolled in a community college class to "begin again" as it were.  It is there that I met Steve, a recent divorcee himself.

After four dates, I can tell he's hungry for something more.  I have to admit I am attracted to him but will he turn out to be another fabulous Timothy? (Sarcasm implied!)  I feel as if men are really out for one thing and one thing alone; themselves.

To find out the answer to this and more fun facts about Vaginas, come to Women's Resource Center's presentation of the "Vagina Monologues" tonight and tomorrow night at 7 pm in the Rogue River Room on the Southern Oregon University campus.  Doors open at 7:30.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Might As Well Call Me Just Jackie

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Eight

In the last entry, I discussed the issue of gender and the labels we use to describe such a concept, focusing mostly on the usage of male pronouns and wordage to lump both male and female into the same category.  No wonder we girls have self-esteem and body images, right?

Also, for the last few weeks, I've been including a link in the end of my entries asking you to support my beloved sister, Jackie's, desire to become her whole self.  As promised, I now submit my very first guest blogger, the wonderful Godly woman that is, Miss Jackie Pollock, to share a little about her heart, her reasons behind her "gofundme", and desire to become her true self, whole and complete.

I  now present to you, the article:

Might As Well Call Me Just Jackie

Many people ask me “Why do you want to be a woman?” My typical response is I don’t want to
be a woman I already am a woman after all it’s not my fault that I was born in the wrong body. “Being a woman sucks; don’t do it” Um sure yeah okay whatever. You know it’s not my fault I wasn’t born this pretty and that I have to correct nature’s mistake. “Mother Nature doesn’t make mistakes” Oh??? Really Mother Nature doesn’t make mistakes??? First of all I am a Christian Secondly I am a Woman while Third I am transgender. Genesis 1:27 tells us that “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”1 gift from God that I call the Gender Gift. He wanted me to go through this so he created me to be Transsexual but most of all God wants me to be one of his beautiful daughters period and to do this I have to undergo Gender Reassignment from Male to Female. Do I regret having to do this? Oh no I don’t regret it at all but it takes money that because of the Glass Ceiling and Fear of the Unknown plus the ignorant responses I have yet to earn the necessary money to accomplish this. John 14:6 tells us that “Jesus said to him, "I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through

 I repeat that you ask why do I want to be a woman; I don’t want to be a woman because I am already a woman; the only difference between myself and a woman born a woman is that I was born in the wrong body hence Transgender is the term that I unfortunately must use as a label. “Trans is a prefix
and female, “gender” replaced “sex” in the 20th century.”4

I have many women I call sisters a majority are male to female transgender; they are pseudo or non-related women I consider the sisters I never had, but they are sisters none the less. Lia is one of those
women who is one of my cisgender sisters (cisgender meaning that the individual identifies with the
gender which they were born) most of the cisgender people are allies. Why is Lia so supportive of a lady like me? I don’t know you’d have to ask her all I know is that my soul, mind, and heart are all feminine; the only part of me that isn’t feminine is my body and that is something that I’ll have to correct through surgery; is there any chance you can help me raise the funds to do this? You’ll be helping a wonderful lady finally become the woman she should’ve always been and that lady is me.

Help Jackie!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Gender-Bender!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Seven

Hey, you guys!

No, wait, let me correct my thinking...

When I was a student teacher working towards getting my teaching credential, my mentor teacher informed me that referring to a class of both boys and girls as "you guys" was derogatory and discriminatory towards females.  I made a note to change that wording in her classroom, but have been relatively lax when it comes to that phrase in later years, partly because its a phrase used by many a folk in today's society.  But, I do often find myself second guessing the usage of it in mixed groups or even more so in single sex group with a bunch of other women and girls.

Most women don't mind, so used to that phrase as they are and let it slide.  But, does that make it right?  Why can't I refer to a bunch of guys and girls as "Hey chics?"  Wouldn't that be just as acceptable? Does this male reference so widely used and accepted signify the male dominance in today's culture?

I think my answer to this is to honor my sisters of all ages by making the attempt to use the term, "Ladies and Gentlemen" or in a classroom setting, "Boys and Girls" or even "Girls and Boys".  Although I most likely will slip up and find myself using the "Hey guys" usage again, making the effort in my mind is the first step towards promoting gender equality.

What do you think? Does changing a simple phrase make a difference in promoting female strength and equality?

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie Become Her True Self!

Caroline couldn't say it!!!!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Six!

It is the fact of my existence that I came of age in the grand ol' decade that is the 90's.  Thus, I like to think of that era as a time of immense progressive thinking mingled with a wide variety of choices in the culture at large.

That is, until I watched this episode of "Caroline In The City":

Caroline & the Cereal

Now, I am definitely a major fan of this show and spent the majority of my teen years on Thursday night, obsessively watching, lusting over the fabulous "Malcolm Gets" (who unfortunately is not into girls) and dreaming with hopeful expectations that my life could someday be as idyllic as Caroline's.

So, if you haven't watched the link by now, I can briefly give you a synopsis of the show.  Caroline, the comic-strip artist, gets offered to have her character on a cereal box.  Upon accepting the contract and receiving the cereal, Caroline and her "sincere amor", Richard discover that the cereal itself is in the shape of, well none other than, a 'Vagina'.

What is shocking now is that no one on the show could say that very word!  I would let it slide if Caroline was unable to say it, seeing as how she grew up in the Midwest and this could be a character choice, but none of the characters, mind you not even Annie, could bring themselves to let that word out of their lips.  Weird, huh?

Okay, I'll give them that the whole way it was played out was comedic, for sure.

And, also this was probably normal back then, back then being the far far reaches in time of the mid-nineties, which isn't really that long ago, really!

Therefore, my conclusion is this: we've come along way in our openness as women and girls of all ages to proclaim loudly the value of our vaginas and the freedom to be who we are, what we want to and can be.

Maybe, if it weren't for shows like Caroline In the City, Eve Ensler and the like wouldn't have set out to be reclaim the word and set us free.

So, thank you, Caroline, well played, indeed.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Lia Power!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Five!

Its my personal 2nd Anniversary, the day I kicked my abuser of an ex-husband out the door of our apartment and thus out of my life, making the choice to allow positive and uplifting energy into my life from that point on.  Above all, making the choice to love and honor myself first and foremost, throwing off the lies of all past abuse and believing in the truth of my divine being, soaring to the heights of my destiny, come what may.

I Knew You Were Trouble

The day fell on Oscars Day 2013 and for that every time the Academy Awards day makes its yearly contribution to our television screens, I honor myself and my "freedom."  Truth be told, I should be given an award for that performance, not only for it being the finest moment of my life, but also that of the actual performance of the moment.  "Go!" I screamed sobbing, as he stood on my door way, abusing me, daring me to hit him (Why would I do that?)...Go! Go! Just Go!

Brave!

Then, fleeing to my neighbor and best friend's house, Randy, to sob uncontrollably as snot and spit poured forth out of me, releasing the inbuilt tension in my stomach and tightened insides from the two years of struggle.  With Randy nearby, holding me, massaging my shoulders, and laughing with me over Jerry Seinfeld's "I'm telling you for the last time", I began my new life, freedom, and the finding of my true self.

Not just Vagina Power or Girl Power but, really in fact, Lia Power!  In fact, on that day I said Farewell to the Cafe-Girl title and bid welcome my own feminine power, strength of purpose, and found my truest and highest self.

So, today not only do I honor my Vagina's freedom on that day and the personal healing that came from it, but the outcome of finally and truly finding my self, my true self, who I always was inside.

And, living it loud and proud!

Happy Anniversary to me!

Begin Again!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie Begin Again!

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Four

For years, I've had an in-built mistrust and strong dislike bordering on hatred for other women.  This stemming from the young age of 15 when my trusted supposed best friend "stole" my boyfriend right out from under me, well, rather less than an hour after he broke it off with me, she swooped in (right after I called her sobbing.)  So, you see how the mistrust and, well, okay, hatred came about.

I am fairly certain many women and young girls have this over-riding issue, a fact of femininity I find the most disturbing.  The idea of the tribal warrior-women binding together for the greater good of the unit became replaced with the onset of the patriarchal community which dictated a girl's need to compete with her kind.  Sad, indeed.

To be quite fair, I have had a few close female friends that have remained faithful and true along the path of my life, most notably M1, M2, and S, friends from the high school and college days.  And, for them I am most grateful.

However, lately I've been reflecting upon the presence of six amazing ladies whose appearance into my life, although mostly tumultuous and confusing to them, brought about an amazing amount of healing during the Crazy California years, or rather the Bipolar Breakdown Diagnosis years.  I see now that each of these girls were brought into my life as part of the Divine Will to bring about healing and freedom in my heart, from the past best friend abuse.  Despite this, the overwhelming similarity in each of these friendships is my efforts to push them away.

It all started with Amber, the closest of the room-mates I had while at Sonoma State and a hot little lesbian to boot.  Together, we laughed a lot and supported each other through scholastic and life's journey the way room-mates do best.  After the year ended and we moved out, we stayed close the year after but then separated when I, buying into the Conservative Christian views on homosexuality, pushed her away.  Although I have searched, I have yet to find her, apologize, and hopefully reconcile the spark of love and friendship we once had.  I do hope she is well, thriving, and am eternally grateful for her divine presence in my life during that time.

Next and running concurrent to my life with Amber was my 'sister in Christ", Karissa, my fellow student-teacher friend who wore a cross the first day we met.  She happens to be possibly the one who got the closest to a true friendship and thus one of the worse examples of my attempts to "flee the scene" due to fear.  Years spent I trying to understand why and to effectively apologize to Karissa for the abuse she suffered at my hands, finally finding freedom in releasing that, knowing that I am not that person anymore and thankfully that time is past.

Thirdly, and also present during the Karissa years, was Suzanne, a dear friend that try as I might did not "flee" but rather stayed diligently by my side through the darkest of moments.  Why? I can only see that she could truly understand, being one with a diagnosis of depression herself.  She stayed by my side offering love, support, and constructive criticism whether I wanted it or not, in turn standing up for herself, until she moved away to study nursing in Santa Barbara.  Before she moved, she met me for coffee and handed me a silver ring with the inscription, "Hope", because as she said, clutching the ring to her face with a smile, "There is always hope."  A valid message and one I am glad she reflected to me purely.  (I re-sized and wore the ring faithfully until I married.)

Then, along came Jessica, the hair-dresser turned park ranger, the one who read "Purpose Driven Life" and gave her life to God and away from drugs.  She came into my life and played the part of "unbiological little sister" for a season until meeting a guy in her school program and running off with him, after I told her she "wasn't walking with God."  I thought I was doing my part to "save her", as the church I was going to would do, but alas it was just my attempt to once again "push away".
(I did call her a few years back and apologize for this.)

Along into my life came Fay, my Iranian friend I met at church.  (I remember most fondly about Fay is her large welcoming smile and laughter.)  I have always had many friends from different parts of the world, starting way back from childhood when I met a girl at camp from Germany with my same name, and when I met Fay I found an instant kinship.  I was fascinated to learn about Iran (pronounced by her "Ee--Rahn", the correct way) from her point of view, and not that of the contemporary American viewpoint of Iran as enemy.  I attempted to "flee" from our relationship by psycho-analyzing her and thus scaring her off.  I did apologize, she ran off with her now ex-husband and we became friends again.

Lastly, into my life came sweet Monica, a friend also of the Bipolar persuasion.  We met through a NAMI class and quickly became coffee shop pals, sharing in a mutual love of the caffeinated buzz.  We remain close comrades to this day, although went through a brief spell when first married and quickly becoming an abuse victim, I turned that against her in an attempt to once again psycho-analyze.  (Of course, we did eventually make-up and have been closer friends since.)  It was her that played the part of "maid of honor" at my wedding and she was the one who I re-gifted the "hope ring" (given to me previously by Suzanne) with the same promise of forever hope.  She wears it to this day.

Each of these girls, despite my best futile attempts to flee, remained steadfast and true bringing healing into the heart of that 15 year old betrayed by her best friend young girl.  It is because of each of them that I now have many loving relationships with women and girls, an amazing blessing in itself.  (And, a great addition to this story is each of these women's roles in my lives, but for the sake of you, the reader, I will abstain...for now.)

So, today in this entry of the Vagina Diaries, I honor the above six women and thus all friendships the female kind.  It is a necessary truth that all Vaginas must set aside their differences, past slights and betrayals, forgive, and come together....

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Embraceable Vagina!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Three

That's right, go ahead and give yourself a big bear hug.  You deserve it, why? Because you are alive and breathing and a divine being of the Universe.  No other explanation needed!

I've been thinking of late that these entries are focusing too much on the physical aspect of the Vagina and not the emotional aspect of knowing and loving thyself, that which is indefinitely more important than its physical counterpart.

I just did it, wrapped my arms tightly around my chest and squeezed, and found myself not only enjoying the process but unable to let go, my heart swelling to degrees of warmth and love never before felt by myself directed towards myself.

This activity is a new discovery and one of which I hope to partake it at least once, if not more, daily.

I think another aspect of this and one that I feel strongly impressed on me is that of trusting the Divine's work in me to guide me where I need to go, prayerfully asking for strength to not doubt or waver in my determination and faith.

The key thing here is to believe that I am, every part of me, Vagina included, an aspect of the Divine, a Divine creation.  And, in that, I am love and deserving of that love.

So, embrace it, Lia!  And, embrace yourself!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Give Jackie a Virtual Hug!

Would You Whack It?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Two

My boyfriend and I were flipping through RoKu and an advertisement popped up for a TV show called "Bush-Whacked".  I immediately made a joke in reference to President Bush and, well, hopefully you get the gist of it, in case there are secret Government agencies watching my Internet activity.  My boyfriend, however, made a pun referencing to whacking "the bush" as in the pubic region, asking me if I would.  I reminded him not only of the monologue I am working on but my ever-increasing belief that hair is there for a reason.  Whereas I don't see hair in the "down-there" part of the body as cluttered and dirty, I do think grooming and keeping it neatly trimmed is necessary.  For example, I do not desire the 1970's bush but nor do I want the modern day 'porn-star' look.  Ouch!

But, to each is own and every woman has the right to choose how she'd like her vagina to look.  See: Designer Vaginas, the New York Runway look of Fall 2015.  So, my question is to you readers,
How do you want your pussy? Trimmed? Bushy? Hairless?

I hope the above picture, plus my entries over the last few months, do not sway your opinion.  So, please answer honestly in the space below, whether or not you want to say "why" is up to you.  I'm just curious, plus am hopeful this entry, as well as the ones previous, have got you thinking more about how to love yourself and your beloved 'V'.  

Southern Oregon University's production of "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th

Help Jackie Design Her Vagina!

Just As You Are!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-One

So, sorry that its been like more than a week since the last entry but still count this as Day Twenty-One, forgiving the time lapse.  (I was out of town on vacation through most of that time.)

The day before Valentine's Day, which ironically being the Friday the 13th as to the nature of its detrimental subject, I discovered this article on my facebook feed:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/20000-tons-of-pubic-hair-trimmed-in-preparation-fo,2909/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:InFocus

With my recent studies and being the focus of one of my monologues, the topic horrified me true to the factor of the date it appeared.  Not only because the idea of committing the "act between the sheets hairless" brings up memories of painful chafing, but the idea that one has to alter themselves from their naturally ordained self to please others sexually flies in the face of what I am coming to see as true.  

Our vaginas are ourselves, furthermore, our pubic regions, hair and all, are vital to our self-appreciation and worth as human beings.  Choosing to remove this for the supposed benefit of another conflicts with your ordained Divine right and true self, in so doing, becoming a great limitation from loving yourself completely.  

In addition to this, a dear friend and Vagina Rock-Star shared this article on the backlash of pubic shaving:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/06/pubic-hair-grooming-injuries_n_2632907.html

Thanks Katy!  Pay special attention to what Dr. Emily Gibson says: 

Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

Furthermore, the first article's last quote by a Donna Spaulding is the one of most importance:

"We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective," Spaulding said. "In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks."
Truth, Ms. Spaulding! So, all you ladies out there, be proud of your hair, be proud of all of you, for you are wonderful and complete and perfect 'just as you are!'

Southern Oregon University's "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th in the Rogue River Room and runs through March 6th.  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1563122447294253/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Please help Jackie find her true self!

Shhh, Acceptance is a Dirty Word!!!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty

In today's devotional of "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up," the focus was on acceptance, a word I felt that I have some degree of mastery over, until on second thought I realized differently.

I realized that I need to accept the way life is, the way some people treat others as bullies, or what have you, and that it is not my place, regardless of what I would like to do, to try to bring vengeance on these individuals.  However, this seems easy to accept when compared to something of deeper significance.

That of my own personal past with abuse and bullies.

Whenever anyone refers to me as my "former name", my insides cringe with the memory of that girl, something that these friends do not truly understand because they did not live inside of me.  They do not know that "girl" they knew was the child-like creature who was perpetually seen as helpless and unable to understand herself and make decisions for herself and who because of this was verbally and emotionally, sometimes physically, abused her entire life.  It is for that reason I cringe inside when I hear that name.  But, it is for the girl they saw, the real me, that I need to heal from those wounds completely.  So, I must accept that part of my life, that part of my self.

For that girl that I used to know, who never really got to live, was and is me.  I could not have become who I am today, strong, independent, determined, self-loving and self nurturing of my whole being, vagina and all, if not for my past, both good and bad.  For in all actuality, there was good if these dear old friends of mine can be found truthful.

For when it comes down to it, the "Julia" they knew is not the "Julia" I knew, but they really saw the "Lia" before I allowed her to be set free.  In that way, I honor their presence in my life and my journey towards self-discovery, their love is helping heal the old scars of abuse and their support and acknowledgment of who I am today is the realization that "Lia" was always real to them, even before I allowed her to be.

So, "Acceptance" is a very dirty word, when it comes down to it, when you really allow it to sink into your entire being and readily admit you have to accept all parts of yourself and humanity, in all its beauty and ugliness.

But, once completed, oh how much more peaceful and joyful is life discovered!

Click here!

When I say Vagina....

Vagina Diaries Day Nineteen

What do you think?

Okay, I hope by now you all get it that my usage of the term "Vagina" doesn't necessarily just mean
our beautiful organ between our legs, that that is merely only a part of this journey we travel together.

No, as I realized once again last night at rehearsal, the "Vagina" in this study represents the desire to be seen as more than just an object, to not be pushed aside by society, or put into a category of weaker or less important.  This journey of getting to know and appreciating our Vaginas as more than just the "moist cavity" is that of getting to know our true selves and living that proudly before the world.  In turn, helping others to appreciate their true beauty, strength, and power.

So, when I say, "look at my Vagina", I truly mean to look, study, examine, and to take fully in and appreciation and love of self.  To truly develop an innermost depth of knowledge for one's entire being and to live that loudly before the world, in that discovery, finding your true destiny and place in the world, moving forward with renewed purpose and vigor.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror of your soul; learn to feel comfortable with who you really are and finally to love that person that you see.  That is my hope for myself on this study, that daily as I journey into self-knowledge I would emerge at the end fully in love with who I am first and foremost, letting go of all baggage that says otherwise.

Meet Yourself in the Mirror

If you haven't donated yet, help my beloved friend, Jackie, discover her own self-worth and learn to love herself!

Help Jackie!

Wasn't I just talking about this?

Vagina Diaries Day Eighteen

Well, maybe it was a couple days ago, but wasn't I discussing the value and importance of the wonderful pubic hair, as un-glamorous as it may appear yet actually a vital part of the health of the victorious vagina?

Someone posted this on facebook and I thought it rather amusing, not only because of the synchronicity of this study, but also because I find it hard to believe that such a bushy pube was ever the fashion.  As of today, the allure is that of the hairless variety, mainly in the realm of the porn star or those who aspire to be.  Although I do know a few girls who keep themselves hair-less, for the sole purpose of health-related issues, (in-grown hairs being the root cause, yes, pun intended!)  But I speak for most women and men, when I say the completely hairless pussy is the least desirable for a plethora of reasons while the neatly trimmed look strongly outweighs the "bush" of the seventies.

One reason being, the chafing that comes about not just when wearing clothes but also when "fooling around".  Plus, in general the lack of protection to the "down-there" region when it comes down to it, as my character's monologue in the Vagina Monologues describes in her story of miserable plight.

As she says, hair is the "leaf around the flower", there for protection.  Moreover, you cannot love the vagina if you don't love hair.

What, dear reader, do you think? To hair or not to hair?

(I will admit the vajeweled look seems rather appealing, if it can be proved cost-effective.)

Aside note, if you haven't donated yet, here's your chance to help Jackie find out the glories or lack thereof of hair on her brand-stinking new vag of her own.  Click the link below!

Help Jackie Get Her Vag!

I had to touch it!

Vagina Diaries Day Seventeen

Okay, I have to admit this: after all these days passed of emotional enlightenment and self-growth when it comes to that oh so vital & loved organ, the VAGINA, I must confess the icky, awkward feeling when I had to not only touch it but stick my fingers inside of it.

Why did I have to do this, you ask?

Because, I tell you, after finally starting my period the day after healing from the flu (Thank you, Uterus!), I am trying out this brand-new feminine protection called "Soft-Cups".  See, most of my life I've had to wear the jumbo pads, because any kind of stick in device, such as tampons in various forms my vagina rejects.  But, I'd thought I'd give these new things a try and so far so good, everything's looking pretty ship-shape in that department.  (PSA: All women and girls still bleeding should use this amazing new product as well as the wonderful MaskIt!)

MaskIT!

So, this morning I had to pull this little cup out of my vagina in order to change it out...and...well, it was gross.  Between that oh so fishy-like smell, the squishy inside feeling of myself, and the blood all over my fingers, I re-coiled a bit.  Then, felt a little shame upon realizing all this self-love and appreciation of my vagina and the result is still fear to touch the darn thing.

Well, its a journey in the end of self-love, after years of self-vaginal loathing, is sometimes long and arduous, two steps forward and one step back, until the final resting place of acceptance and lasting peace.

Oh, and if you haven't donated yet, click the link below and help Jackie discover the wonders of vaginal love in all its glories and not so nice moments:

Help Jackie Get Her Vagina!

My Vagina, The Divine

Vagina Diaries Day Sixteen

I recently started a forty day devotional journey entitled, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up".  (A Side Note: Not being a Catholic or Episcopalian and therefore not familiar with Lent, I somehow end up picking up 40 day devos during this time-period, coincidence?)  Even though I'm currently on "Day Two", I already like the language of the writer as she is not only using the feminine gender to identify "GOD" but also using the idea of the "divine within", a concept that flies in the face of my fundamental teaching I so narrowly escaped from but moreover a truth that is bringing such immense freedom and healing to my entire being.

Today's focus was on the viewpoint of Trust, not to trust in the relationships with others but in one's own relationship with God(dess), the divine within, and also that of the divine in others.  In that, trusting becomes lasting and something of which we can rely upon to bring fulfillment.

Meditating upon this and thinking about what to write in today's Vagina diary, a facebook friend posted this:

So, with these words fresh in mind coupled with the realization of the trusting the divine within, I started thinking about the nature of my vagina.

Looking at it in recent months, I've often thought of it as unattractive or even non-existent, something I try hard to forget about, usually unsuccessfully.  In that, view of ugliness is the realization of that I do not truly understand my vagina.  It is not just a mere organ on my body, a moist cavity between my legs, but a living vital aspect of myself, a part of my divinity.

In that, I discover an amazing surge of beauty and strength.  It is there that a large degree of my hope and empowerment resides and rests.  As I discover this beauty, not only does the health of my vagina flourish (haven't had a yeast infection in many years) but also my health of self, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and even physically deepens.

So, if you ladies out there still find this part of you dark, dirty, even ugly, I urge you to reflect on my discoveries and spend some time with your vagina, and see what you discover.  I hope you find the freedom, healing, and enlightenment I have discovered.

Help Jackie Find Her Vagina!

The Healing In The Flood.

Vagina Diaries Day Fourteen

My MaskIt Commercial!

We all know of the discomfort during our monthly cycles, some have it worse than others, as is this case with me.  I have at times been unable to even move during the onset of the "great burden" of the uterus.  I have had a little bit of a reprise in the pain department in recent months, thankfully, barely feeling anything at all and then previous to that months where any kind of pain reliever was unable to soothe the dull screaming ache.  But, in whatever regards it comes, there is that amazing relief when the contractions give their final push and the blood releases itself into the pad.  Somewhat like that feeling when your heart releases a painful burden, going through the days, weeks, months of struggle like monthly contractions and then that final push and release, then, at last, freedom.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of 'release' because I've been finding myself in that place.  I no longer feel the constant strain of loss, the memories of pain and horror from my marriage, the overwhelming fear of what was coming back, no longer seems threatening even in flashback form.

But, recently, I've been feeling that sense of release, that amazing peace that comes from true healing and freedom.  In fact, instead of any feeling of loss or suffering, I now feel myself in a state of 'abundance' and 'prosperity', not merely in a financial state (for that's more gradual) but in all other facets of my understanding of self and identity.

For those of my loved ones and acquaintances in places of struggle and pain, hang in there during the time of contraction, it will pass.  Then, more than any sort of joy, there will be peace in that moment of final release.  And, life will move forward as never before, forever changed and forever made whole.

A Little Bit Stronger!

The "Curse" Approaches!

Vagina Diaries Day Thirteen

Well, maybe I shouldn't label it as the "curse", if you couldn't figure out what I am referring to, I mean the woman's monthly, or to be blunt, my period.

My Maskit Commercial!

First off, why am I referring it to the "curse?"  Not because of some connection to the religious doctrine of previous years where Eve's "sin" caused all of us women to be forever endowed with the pains of childbirth and monthly bleeding, blues, and bitchiness but more so because the week-long bleeding (give or take a few days) will interfere with my newfound pleasure in wearing sexy underwear (see: g-string or as my boyfriend happily refers to it as "butt floss") and also will interfere with, well, my sex-life.  (I kid you not, I take lots of pleasure in making love with my 56 year old boyfriend, with age comes experience and vast degrees of knowledge, if you catch my drift.)

But, when it comes down to the spiritual and emotional side of things, should I really refer to this monthly cycle as a "curse"?  Can I, despite the pain and other discomforts, see some kind of blessing in it?

Usually, at least part of me, does not see it as "a curse".  For me, as an empath, I am highly intuitive both physically and emotionally to the bodies of other women around me, be it close sister-friends or acquaintances of sorts walking by, in that I can feel almost instantly the cramps in my very own uterus that they are feeling (maybe not to the same degree) and also going so far as having my cycles linking up with those closet to me.  See, my best friend in college and I both share a "special" memory of bemoaning over mutual cramps while pigging out on cheap pizza and watching movies late into the evening because we couldn't sleep.  Also, when I was in high school and a camp counselor, where all the women counselors had their periods synched during the full moon (poor male counselors, really) but that was a major turning point for me in the understanding of the feminine connection!

So, for that reason, I should treasure the monthly cycle, taking precautions to keep off the pain for the most part, as a vital aspect of the feminine divine connection, or in lay-women's terms....Girl Power!

Girl Power!

Pathways In Our Minds

Vagina Diaries Day Twelve

Recently, a local long-time drug store in my town, that has been around for longer than anyone can remember, moved into another location, this only a minor shock that caused an earthquake of wonderment throughout the community.  OMG, Ashland Drug is moving! Why?

For me, I have more personal history with this city locale, for it was my first official place of work while in college, every Tuesday evening from 4:45-9:00, I would stare blankly into space trying to think of something to do, this after dusting the entire front part of the store, my section, and, of course, re-arranging the beanie babies (so very very popular at the time) into a myriad of different combinations on the shelves, then staring out into the inky black night of the city, passersby flowing by reveling in their freedom while I counted the minutes slowly to mine.  (It is a fact of my life that as an actress my fall-back job is childcare but even more of a fall-back is retail, try as I might to break into some form of food services, this is true.)  Also, on Saturdays I worked the 8 hour day shift, hey, it was a college job.

So,with the aforementioned history, I utilize Ashland Drug as my drug store of choice, where I pick up my medications monthly, sometimes bi-monthly.  Because of their new move (which is actually just right around the corner from their old location), I have had to find a new "pathway" or route to this new place.  As I walked down-town (yes, walked) to retrieve my medication of the lovely "Paxil", I was thinking about this new route I had to take when it dawned on me, how easy it is to change course in our physical lives but how difficult to change those pathways in our minds.  You know, those thought processes that are in built through time and experience, relationships throughout the journey of our lives.

For me, the new pathway of my mind that says I need, should, have to love myself, first and foremost.  That I need, should, have to ensure my safety, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, first and foremost and at all cost.  Why is this difficult? For so many reasons related to how I was raised, past relationships, church abuse, etc etc etc

So, now as hard as it is, I admit to the world and to myself mostly, I love me.  Forever.  I am worthy of loving myself and worthy of love that comes to me.  I do not need in any way shape or form to deny myself of this love of myself.  I can delight in nurturing and cherishing myself in small and large ways, without guilt.

The first step is always the hardest but once done, it gets easier and easier to love thyself first.

Do I love myself?

Vagina Diaries Day Eleven

When searching my brain for something to write about, I was directed back to my heart, where of recent years I have felt an increasing warming, a stillness of love and presence awakening in myself, unexplainable but a forceful reminder of the connection I feel with others, the entire universe, the divine.

It has grown and grown until now it is not such a distraction but a constant reality, ever present although at times not felt so strong and than at other times felt deeply and powerfully, a still warmth and happiness acknowledgement of the peacefulness of the present moment.

It has been a growing realization in the past years to come as I continue to seek not only my heart's desire, my calling, but a love and appreciation for self, what makes me happy and accepted.  It is no longer a constant struggle, worry, anxious frustration to be in kinship with the divine and others, but a peaceful feeling of awakening, daily increasing moment by moment.

So, with that, I realized is the focus of today's entry on my vagina, not merely a focus on the physical object but in what this personal study reflects in a larger sense, the journey in finding the strength and ability to truly love myself first.  It is that that I am coming daily, minutely, to fully grasp and accept.
I love myself.  I love me.  I love Lia.  Lia is a wonderful woman in all aspects of humanity both positive and negative.  I am alive to the fullest and open to all kinds of love that come my way.

I love me.

For My Protection

Vagina Diary Day Ten

Hair vs no hair?  That's the debate, rather how do you like your vagina? Why is the hair even there, some admirers of the hairless type would wonder.  Well, take it from a girl who in college had her pussy shaved, by an over-zealous experimental boyfriend, and I tell you,  I know why its there.

So, does the girl from the monologue I'm doing for the Vagina Monologues entitled "Hair."

From my experience, and this girl's, the loss of hair surrounding my nether-region caused massive irritation and discomfort during sexual intercourse and in the day to day moments as my underwear and other clothing chafed against the bare, raw skin.  It took awhile for the pain to heal and, if memory serves me well, no amount of lotions or aloe brought much comfort.  True to this, I have never done it again.

What I learned and so did the girl in the monologue whose name I will call Tiffany (for now anyway), is that the hair naturally grown on our pubic area during the onset of adolescence is there for the very reason of protection.  Sure, its a good thing to keep it clipped, trimmed, and shaved because we all know it can and will get rather bushy down there, (and some girls experiment with just how "manicured" they indeed want it) but the fact of the matter is hair is necessary.

And, more to the point, the vagina is yours.  Its not the boyfriend or partner who gets to decide how its designed.  As I go through life, I have learned that dressing myself daily is not for the approval of others but can and should be for my benefit, comfort, and confidence building.  So, too, my vagina is my vagina to do with as I want.

I happen to work as a professional art model for one of my day-jobs so keeping it trimmed is par for the course, necessary for the job, but its still mine to choose from (just like I choose to lie buck naked and still for a fixed amount of time for some extra spending cash).  That being said, I choose to keep my hair, for protection and comfort and, well, its also mine.

Still, I wouldn't mind trying the vajeweled look (is that the correct terminology?).  The only concern there being is how sturdy are the jewels when applied, or rather how long do they stay, because I don't want to spend a good deal of money only to have them "rub off in the shower" or when my boyfriend and I get "frisky".

However, it is my vagina, my choice and that is the main thing, really.