Hair: What Is It There For?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Nine

So, its me, Tiffany Kimberly Ryan.  I went back to my maiden name after divorcing the fabulous Timothy Armonds.  Sarcasm implied.

At present, I am 31 years old, single with two cats, living and working in San Francisco for an advertising company as the head receptionist to the big man on top, who leers sexually at me.  I've done my best since I started working there two years previous to distract his come-ons.

A year before moving to San Francisco, I divorced my husband, the what turned out to be the not so fabulous Timothy Armonds.  I moved here to find myself, or rather to get away from my past, you decide.  I guess I've been sort of drifting, filling a space in the void of my own existence, going through the motions as it were.  I guess I've pretty much given up on life and love.

I studied marketing and business in college but dropped out just shy of a year to graduate when the not so fabulous Timothy came into my life and we quickly married.  I should have known better, but live in learn, I guess.

See, one of my husband's pleasures was the "shaved pussy" look; the porn star or stripper appeal, at best.  At first, I tried to please him by shaving it myself and then allowing him to, if I didn't, he cheated.  Can you imagine the types of girls he "stepped out" with? Yes, the aforementioned stripper types!  After awhile, the high discomfort of the hairless exposed vagina became less of a desire for me than trying to please my husband and I learned a valuable lesson.

Hair is there for a reason but more so, the importance of myself and my choices for my body.  But, I'm still alone.

I've been seeing a therapist these last few years.  Due to her encouragement, I finally enrolled in a community college class to "begin again" as it were.  It is there that I met Steve, a recent divorcee himself.

After four dates, I can tell he's hungry for something more.  I have to admit I am attracted to him but will he turn out to be another fabulous Timothy? (Sarcasm implied!)  I feel as if men are really out for one thing and one thing alone; themselves.

To find out the answer to this and more fun facts about Vaginas, come to Women's Resource Center's presentation of the "Vagina Monologues" tonight and tomorrow night at 7 pm in the Rogue River Room on the Southern Oregon University campus.  Doors open at 7:30.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Gender-Bender!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Seven

Hey, you guys!

No, wait, let me correct my thinking...

When I was a student teacher working towards getting my teaching credential, my mentor teacher informed me that referring to a class of both boys and girls as "you guys" was derogatory and discriminatory towards females.  I made a note to change that wording in her classroom, but have been relatively lax when it comes to that phrase in later years, partly because its a phrase used by many a folk in today's society.  But, I do often find myself second guessing the usage of it in mixed groups or even more so in single sex group with a bunch of other women and girls.

Most women don't mind, so used to that phrase as they are and let it slide.  But, does that make it right?  Why can't I refer to a bunch of guys and girls as "Hey chics?"  Wouldn't that be just as acceptable? Does this male reference so widely used and accepted signify the male dominance in today's culture?

I think my answer to this is to honor my sisters of all ages by making the attempt to use the term, "Ladies and Gentlemen" or in a classroom setting, "Boys and Girls" or even "Girls and Boys".  Although I most likely will slip up and find myself using the "Hey guys" usage again, making the effort in my mind is the first step towards promoting gender equality.

What do you think? Does changing a simple phrase make a difference in promoting female strength and equality?

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie Become Her True Self!

Caroline couldn't say it!!!!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Six!

It is the fact of my existence that I came of age in the grand ol' decade that is the 90's.  Thus, I like to think of that era as a time of immense progressive thinking mingled with a wide variety of choices in the culture at large.

That is, until I watched this episode of "Caroline In The City":

Caroline & the Cereal

Now, I am definitely a major fan of this show and spent the majority of my teen years on Thursday night, obsessively watching, lusting over the fabulous "Malcolm Gets" (who unfortunately is not into girls) and dreaming with hopeful expectations that my life could someday be as idyllic as Caroline's.

So, if you haven't watched the link by now, I can briefly give you a synopsis of the show.  Caroline, the comic-strip artist, gets offered to have her character on a cereal box.  Upon accepting the contract and receiving the cereal, Caroline and her "sincere amor", Richard discover that the cereal itself is in the shape of, well none other than, a 'Vagina'.

What is shocking now is that no one on the show could say that very word!  I would let it slide if Caroline was unable to say it, seeing as how she grew up in the Midwest and this could be a character choice, but none of the characters, mind you not even Annie, could bring themselves to let that word out of their lips.  Weird, huh?

Okay, I'll give them that the whole way it was played out was comedic, for sure.

And, also this was probably normal back then, back then being the far far reaches in time of the mid-nineties, which isn't really that long ago, really!

Therefore, my conclusion is this: we've come along way in our openness as women and girls of all ages to proclaim loudly the value of our vaginas and the freedom to be who we are, what we want to and can be.

Maybe, if it weren't for shows like Caroline In the City, Eve Ensler and the like wouldn't have set out to be reclaim the word and set us free.

So, thank you, Caroline, well played, indeed.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Four

For years, I've had an in-built mistrust and strong dislike bordering on hatred for other women.  This stemming from the young age of 15 when my trusted supposed best friend "stole" my boyfriend right out from under me, well, rather less than an hour after he broke it off with me, she swooped in (right after I called her sobbing.)  So, you see how the mistrust and, well, okay, hatred came about.

I am fairly certain many women and young girls have this over-riding issue, a fact of femininity I find the most disturbing.  The idea of the tribal warrior-women binding together for the greater good of the unit became replaced with the onset of the patriarchal community which dictated a girl's need to compete with her kind.  Sad, indeed.

To be quite fair, I have had a few close female friends that have remained faithful and true along the path of my life, most notably M1, M2, and S, friends from the high school and college days.  And, for them I am most grateful.

However, lately I've been reflecting upon the presence of six amazing ladies whose appearance into my life, although mostly tumultuous and confusing to them, brought about an amazing amount of healing during the Crazy California years, or rather the Bipolar Breakdown Diagnosis years.  I see now that each of these girls were brought into my life as part of the Divine Will to bring about healing and freedom in my heart, from the past best friend abuse.  Despite this, the overwhelming similarity in each of these friendships is my efforts to push them away.

It all started with Amber, the closest of the room-mates I had while at Sonoma State and a hot little lesbian to boot.  Together, we laughed a lot and supported each other through scholastic and life's journey the way room-mates do best.  After the year ended and we moved out, we stayed close the year after but then separated when I, buying into the Conservative Christian views on homosexuality, pushed her away.  Although I have searched, I have yet to find her, apologize, and hopefully reconcile the spark of love and friendship we once had.  I do hope she is well, thriving, and am eternally grateful for her divine presence in my life during that time.

Next and running concurrent to my life with Amber was my 'sister in Christ", Karissa, my fellow student-teacher friend who wore a cross the first day we met.  She happens to be possibly the one who got the closest to a true friendship and thus one of the worse examples of my attempts to "flee the scene" due to fear.  Years spent I trying to understand why and to effectively apologize to Karissa for the abuse she suffered at my hands, finally finding freedom in releasing that, knowing that I am not that person anymore and thankfully that time is past.

Thirdly, and also present during the Karissa years, was Suzanne, a dear friend that try as I might did not "flee" but rather stayed diligently by my side through the darkest of moments.  Why? I can only see that she could truly understand, being one with a diagnosis of depression herself.  She stayed by my side offering love, support, and constructive criticism whether I wanted it or not, in turn standing up for herself, until she moved away to study nursing in Santa Barbara.  Before she moved, she met me for coffee and handed me a silver ring with the inscription, "Hope", because as she said, clutching the ring to her face with a smile, "There is always hope."  A valid message and one I am glad she reflected to me purely.  (I re-sized and wore the ring faithfully until I married.)

Then, along came Jessica, the hair-dresser turned park ranger, the one who read "Purpose Driven Life" and gave her life to God and away from drugs.  She came into my life and played the part of "unbiological little sister" for a season until meeting a guy in her school program and running off with him, after I told her she "wasn't walking with God."  I thought I was doing my part to "save her", as the church I was going to would do, but alas it was just my attempt to once again "push away".
(I did call her a few years back and apologize for this.)

Along into my life came Fay, my Iranian friend I met at church.  (I remember most fondly about Fay is her large welcoming smile and laughter.)  I have always had many friends from different parts of the world, starting way back from childhood when I met a girl at camp from Germany with my same name, and when I met Fay I found an instant kinship.  I was fascinated to learn about Iran (pronounced by her "Ee--Rahn", the correct way) from her point of view, and not that of the contemporary American viewpoint of Iran as enemy.  I attempted to "flee" from our relationship by psycho-analyzing her and thus scaring her off.  I did apologize, she ran off with her now ex-husband and we became friends again.

Lastly, into my life came sweet Monica, a friend also of the Bipolar persuasion.  We met through a NAMI class and quickly became coffee shop pals, sharing in a mutual love of the caffeinated buzz.  We remain close comrades to this day, although went through a brief spell when first married and quickly becoming an abuse victim, I turned that against her in an attempt to once again psycho-analyze.  (Of course, we did eventually make-up and have been closer friends since.)  It was her that played the part of "maid of honor" at my wedding and she was the one who I re-gifted the "hope ring" (given to me previously by Suzanne) with the same promise of forever hope.  She wears it to this day.

Each of these girls, despite my best futile attempts to flee, remained steadfast and true bringing healing into the heart of that 15 year old betrayed by her best friend young girl.  It is because of each of them that I now have many loving relationships with women and girls, an amazing blessing in itself.  (And, a great addition to this story is each of these women's roles in my lives, but for the sake of you, the reader, I will abstain...for now.)

So, today in this entry of the Vagina Diaries, I honor the above six women and thus all friendships the female kind.  It is a necessary truth that all Vaginas must set aside their differences, past slights and betrayals, forgive, and come together....

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Embraceable Vagina!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Three

That's right, go ahead and give yourself a big bear hug.  You deserve it, why? Because you are alive and breathing and a divine being of the Universe.  No other explanation needed!

I've been thinking of late that these entries are focusing too much on the physical aspect of the Vagina and not the emotional aspect of knowing and loving thyself, that which is indefinitely more important than its physical counterpart.

I just did it, wrapped my arms tightly around my chest and squeezed, and found myself not only enjoying the process but unable to let go, my heart swelling to degrees of warmth and love never before felt by myself directed towards myself.

This activity is a new discovery and one of which I hope to partake it at least once, if not more, daily.

I think another aspect of this and one that I feel strongly impressed on me is that of trusting the Divine's work in me to guide me where I need to go, prayerfully asking for strength to not doubt or waver in my determination and faith.

The key thing here is to believe that I am, every part of me, Vagina included, an aspect of the Divine, a Divine creation.  And, in that, I am love and deserving of that love.

So, embrace it, Lia!  And, embrace yourself!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Give Jackie a Virtual Hug!

Would You Whack It?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Two

My boyfriend and I were flipping through RoKu and an advertisement popped up for a TV show called "Bush-Whacked".  I immediately made a joke in reference to President Bush and, well, hopefully you get the gist of it, in case there are secret Government agencies watching my Internet activity.  My boyfriend, however, made a pun referencing to whacking "the bush" as in the pubic region, asking me if I would.  I reminded him not only of the monologue I am working on but my ever-increasing belief that hair is there for a reason.  Whereas I don't see hair in the "down-there" part of the body as cluttered and dirty, I do think grooming and keeping it neatly trimmed is necessary.  For example, I do not desire the 1970's bush but nor do I want the modern day 'porn-star' look.  Ouch!

But, to each is own and every woman has the right to choose how she'd like her vagina to look.  See: Designer Vaginas, the New York Runway look of Fall 2015.  So, my question is to you readers,
How do you want your pussy? Trimmed? Bushy? Hairless?

I hope the above picture, plus my entries over the last few months, do not sway your opinion.  So, please answer honestly in the space below, whether or not you want to say "why" is up to you.  I'm just curious, plus am hopeful this entry, as well as the ones previous, have got you thinking more about how to love yourself and your beloved 'V'.  

Southern Oregon University's production of "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th

Help Jackie Design Her Vagina!

Just As You Are!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-One

So, sorry that its been like more than a week since the last entry but still count this as Day Twenty-One, forgiving the time lapse.  (I was out of town on vacation through most of that time.)

The day before Valentine's Day, which ironically being the Friday the 13th as to the nature of its detrimental subject, I discovered this article on my facebook feed:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/20000-tons-of-pubic-hair-trimmed-in-preparation-fo,2909/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:InFocus

With my recent studies and being the focus of one of my monologues, the topic horrified me true to the factor of the date it appeared.  Not only because the idea of committing the "act between the sheets hairless" brings up memories of painful chafing, but the idea that one has to alter themselves from their naturally ordained self to please others sexually flies in the face of what I am coming to see as true.  

Our vaginas are ourselves, furthermore, our pubic regions, hair and all, are vital to our self-appreciation and worth as human beings.  Choosing to remove this for the supposed benefit of another conflicts with your ordained Divine right and true self, in so doing, becoming a great limitation from loving yourself completely.  

In addition to this, a dear friend and Vagina Rock-Star shared this article on the backlash of pubic shaving:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/06/pubic-hair-grooming-injuries_n_2632907.html

Thanks Katy!  Pay special attention to what Dr. Emily Gibson says: 

Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

Furthermore, the first article's last quote by a Donna Spaulding is the one of most importance:

"We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective," Spaulding said. "In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks."
Truth, Ms. Spaulding! So, all you ladies out there, be proud of your hair, be proud of all of you, for you are wonderful and complete and perfect 'just as you are!'

Southern Oregon University's "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th in the Rogue River Room and runs through March 6th.  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1563122447294253/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Please help Jackie find her true self!

Shhh, Acceptance is a Dirty Word!!!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty

In today's devotional of "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up," the focus was on acceptance, a word I felt that I have some degree of mastery over, until on second thought I realized differently.

I realized that I need to accept the way life is, the way some people treat others as bullies, or what have you, and that it is not my place, regardless of what I would like to do, to try to bring vengeance on these individuals.  However, this seems easy to accept when compared to something of deeper significance.

That of my own personal past with abuse and bullies.

Whenever anyone refers to me as my "former name", my insides cringe with the memory of that girl, something that these friends do not truly understand because they did not live inside of me.  They do not know that "girl" they knew was the child-like creature who was perpetually seen as helpless and unable to understand herself and make decisions for herself and who because of this was verbally and emotionally, sometimes physically, abused her entire life.  It is for that reason I cringe inside when I hear that name.  But, it is for the girl they saw, the real me, that I need to heal from those wounds completely.  So, I must accept that part of my life, that part of my self.

For that girl that I used to know, who never really got to live, was and is me.  I could not have become who I am today, strong, independent, determined, self-loving and self nurturing of my whole being, vagina and all, if not for my past, both good and bad.  For in all actuality, there was good if these dear old friends of mine can be found truthful.

For when it comes down to it, the "Julia" they knew is not the "Julia" I knew, but they really saw the "Lia" before I allowed her to be set free.  In that way, I honor their presence in my life and my journey towards self-discovery, their love is helping heal the old scars of abuse and their support and acknowledgment of who I am today is the realization that "Lia" was always real to them, even before I allowed her to be.

So, "Acceptance" is a very dirty word, when it comes down to it, when you really allow it to sink into your entire being and readily admit you have to accept all parts of yourself and humanity, in all its beauty and ugliness.

But, once completed, oh how much more peaceful and joyful is life discovered!

Click here!

When I say Vagina....

Vagina Diaries Day Nineteen

What do you think?

Okay, I hope by now you all get it that my usage of the term "Vagina" doesn't necessarily just mean
our beautiful organ between our legs, that that is merely only a part of this journey we travel together.

No, as I realized once again last night at rehearsal, the "Vagina" in this study represents the desire to be seen as more than just an object, to not be pushed aside by society, or put into a category of weaker or less important.  This journey of getting to know and appreciating our Vaginas as more than just the "moist cavity" is that of getting to know our true selves and living that proudly before the world.  In turn, helping others to appreciate their true beauty, strength, and power.

So, when I say, "look at my Vagina", I truly mean to look, study, examine, and to take fully in and appreciation and love of self.  To truly develop an innermost depth of knowledge for one's entire being and to live that loudly before the world, in that discovery, finding your true destiny and place in the world, moving forward with renewed purpose and vigor.

Take a long look at yourself in the mirror of your soul; learn to feel comfortable with who you really are and finally to love that person that you see.  That is my hope for myself on this study, that daily as I journey into self-knowledge I would emerge at the end fully in love with who I am first and foremost, letting go of all baggage that says otherwise.

Meet Yourself in the Mirror

If you haven't donated yet, help my beloved friend, Jackie, discover her own self-worth and learn to love herself!

Help Jackie!

Wasn't I just talking about this?

Vagina Diaries Day Eighteen

Well, maybe it was a couple days ago, but wasn't I discussing the value and importance of the wonderful pubic hair, as un-glamorous as it may appear yet actually a vital part of the health of the victorious vagina?

Someone posted this on facebook and I thought it rather amusing, not only because of the synchronicity of this study, but also because I find it hard to believe that such a bushy pube was ever the fashion.  As of today, the allure is that of the hairless variety, mainly in the realm of the porn star or those who aspire to be.  Although I do know a few girls who keep themselves hair-less, for the sole purpose of health-related issues, (in-grown hairs being the root cause, yes, pun intended!)  But I speak for most women and men, when I say the completely hairless pussy is the least desirable for a plethora of reasons while the neatly trimmed look strongly outweighs the "bush" of the seventies.

One reason being, the chafing that comes about not just when wearing clothes but also when "fooling around".  Plus, in general the lack of protection to the "down-there" region when it comes down to it, as my character's monologue in the Vagina Monologues describes in her story of miserable plight.

As she says, hair is the "leaf around the flower", there for protection.  Moreover, you cannot love the vagina if you don't love hair.

What, dear reader, do you think? To hair or not to hair?

(I will admit the vajeweled look seems rather appealing, if it can be proved cost-effective.)

Aside note, if you haven't donated yet, here's your chance to help Jackie find out the glories or lack thereof of hair on her brand-stinking new vag of her own.  Click the link below!

Help Jackie Get Her Vag!

I had to touch it!

Vagina Diaries Day Seventeen

Okay, I have to admit this: after all these days passed of emotional enlightenment and self-growth when it comes to that oh so vital & loved organ, the VAGINA, I must confess the icky, awkward feeling when I had to not only touch it but stick my fingers inside of it.

Why did I have to do this, you ask?

Because, I tell you, after finally starting my period the day after healing from the flu (Thank you, Uterus!), I am trying out this brand-new feminine protection called "Soft-Cups".  See, most of my life I've had to wear the jumbo pads, because any kind of stick in device, such as tampons in various forms my vagina rejects.  But, I'd thought I'd give these new things a try and so far so good, everything's looking pretty ship-shape in that department.  (PSA: All women and girls still bleeding should use this amazing new product as well as the wonderful MaskIt!)

MaskIT!

So, this morning I had to pull this little cup out of my vagina in order to change it out...and...well, it was gross.  Between that oh so fishy-like smell, the squishy inside feeling of myself, and the blood all over my fingers, I re-coiled a bit.  Then, felt a little shame upon realizing all this self-love and appreciation of my vagina and the result is still fear to touch the darn thing.

Well, its a journey in the end of self-love, after years of self-vaginal loathing, is sometimes long and arduous, two steps forward and one step back, until the final resting place of acceptance and lasting peace.

Oh, and if you haven't donated yet, click the link below and help Jackie discover the wonders of vaginal love in all its glories and not so nice moments:

Help Jackie Get Her Vagina!

My Vagina, The Divine

Vagina Diaries Day Sixteen

I recently started a forty day devotional journey entitled, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up".  (A Side Note: Not being a Catholic or Episcopalian and therefore not familiar with Lent, I somehow end up picking up 40 day devos during this time-period, coincidence?)  Even though I'm currently on "Day Two", I already like the language of the writer as she is not only using the feminine gender to identify "GOD" but also using the idea of the "divine within", a concept that flies in the face of my fundamental teaching I so narrowly escaped from but moreover a truth that is bringing such immense freedom and healing to my entire being.

Today's focus was on the viewpoint of Trust, not to trust in the relationships with others but in one's own relationship with God(dess), the divine within, and also that of the divine in others.  In that, trusting becomes lasting and something of which we can rely upon to bring fulfillment.

Meditating upon this and thinking about what to write in today's Vagina diary, a facebook friend posted this:

So, with these words fresh in mind coupled with the realization of the trusting the divine within, I started thinking about the nature of my vagina.

Looking at it in recent months, I've often thought of it as unattractive or even non-existent, something I try hard to forget about, usually unsuccessfully.  In that, view of ugliness is the realization of that I do not truly understand my vagina.  It is not just a mere organ on my body, a moist cavity between my legs, but a living vital aspect of myself, a part of my divinity.

In that, I discover an amazing surge of beauty and strength.  It is there that a large degree of my hope and empowerment resides and rests.  As I discover this beauty, not only does the health of my vagina flourish (haven't had a yeast infection in many years) but also my health of self, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and even physically deepens.

So, if you ladies out there still find this part of you dark, dirty, even ugly, I urge you to reflect on my discoveries and spend some time with your vagina, and see what you discover.  I hope you find the freedom, healing, and enlightenment I have discovered.

Help Jackie Find Her Vagina!

There's Power in the Pussy!

Vagina Diaries Day Fifteen

Sorry for the delay but I have been a bit under the weather the last two days, am still recovering, from the shivering affects of the flu.  Dagnabit!  Thus, its been a struggle to string coherent words together to form sentences as I lay shaking underneath the covers waiting for the fever to subside.  Today, I am a bit better and able to write something, even if the sense of it is not too clear.

Is it just mere coincidence or a synchronicity but recently on facebook I've noticed a lot of quotes and posts referring to the great V; comments of which are helping me gain insight into this reflective study I am on.

The other day I found an interesting post on facebook of a quote by the Great Betty White.  It referred to the weakness of the male anatomy and the strength of it's female counterpart.

After reading the entire book, The Vagina Monologues", written, comprised (originally performed by) Eve Ensler (the actual book, not the script), I can actually understand just what the "pounding" the Vagina does indeed take.  Its not just a mere sexual reference either, although that thought did cross my mind, dirty that it is, with delightful glee and longing.  But, so much abuse is forced upon women both physically and emotionally, as I am sure in other ways, throughout every society and in every country.  Even more than rape, there is the practice of clitoral circumcision, women in some countries such as Afghanistan are forced to hide their bodies or face severe beatings,  and so many more emotional disturbances that affects the entire psyche and life of the woman, thus perpetrating itself into the very heart and soul of every women kind, for we all are connected.

And, it is together, we fight.  And in that, together we survive.

For coming out of an abusive marriage myself, I have looked around and become acquainted with other woman of similar past situations, all of them seem not only to have a sense of resignation but also one of vast internal strength.  Yet, if asked, they wouldn't think of themselves as having strength, but really in just doing what needed to be done at the time.  And, in that there is strength.

So, yeah, the vagina takes a beating.  As our favorite Golden Girl said,

"If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina!"

Help Jackie Grow A Vagina!

The Healing In The Flood.

Vagina Diaries Day Fourteen

My MaskIt Commercial!

We all know of the discomfort during our monthly cycles, some have it worse than others, as is this case with me.  I have at times been unable to even move during the onset of the "great burden" of the uterus.  I have had a little bit of a reprise in the pain department in recent months, thankfully, barely feeling anything at all and then previous to that months where any kind of pain reliever was unable to soothe the dull screaming ache.  But, in whatever regards it comes, there is that amazing relief when the contractions give their final push and the blood releases itself into the pad.  Somewhat like that feeling when your heart releases a painful burden, going through the days, weeks, months of struggle like monthly contractions and then that final push and release, then, at last, freedom.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of 'release' because I've been finding myself in that place.  I no longer feel the constant strain of loss, the memories of pain and horror from my marriage, the overwhelming fear of what was coming back, no longer seems threatening even in flashback form.

But, recently, I've been feeling that sense of release, that amazing peace that comes from true healing and freedom.  In fact, instead of any feeling of loss or suffering, I now feel myself in a state of 'abundance' and 'prosperity', not merely in a financial state (for that's more gradual) but in all other facets of my understanding of self and identity.

For those of my loved ones and acquaintances in places of struggle and pain, hang in there during the time of contraction, it will pass.  Then, more than any sort of joy, there will be peace in that moment of final release.  And, life will move forward as never before, forever changed and forever made whole.

A Little Bit Stronger!

The "Curse" Approaches!

Vagina Diaries Day Thirteen

Well, maybe I shouldn't label it as the "curse", if you couldn't figure out what I am referring to, I mean the woman's monthly, or to be blunt, my period.

My Maskit Commercial!

First off, why am I referring it to the "curse?"  Not because of some connection to the religious doctrine of previous years where Eve's "sin" caused all of us women to be forever endowed with the pains of childbirth and monthly bleeding, blues, and bitchiness but more so because the week-long bleeding (give or take a few days) will interfere with my newfound pleasure in wearing sexy underwear (see: g-string or as my boyfriend happily refers to it as "butt floss") and also will interfere with, well, my sex-life.  (I kid you not, I take lots of pleasure in making love with my 56 year old boyfriend, with age comes experience and vast degrees of knowledge, if you catch my drift.)

But, when it comes down to the spiritual and emotional side of things, should I really refer to this monthly cycle as a "curse"?  Can I, despite the pain and other discomforts, see some kind of blessing in it?

Usually, at least part of me, does not see it as "a curse".  For me, as an empath, I am highly intuitive both physically and emotionally to the bodies of other women around me, be it close sister-friends or acquaintances of sorts walking by, in that I can feel almost instantly the cramps in my very own uterus that they are feeling (maybe not to the same degree) and also going so far as having my cycles linking up with those closet to me.  See, my best friend in college and I both share a "special" memory of bemoaning over mutual cramps while pigging out on cheap pizza and watching movies late into the evening because we couldn't sleep.  Also, when I was in high school and a camp counselor, where all the women counselors had their periods synched during the full moon (poor male counselors, really) but that was a major turning point for me in the understanding of the feminine connection!

So, for that reason, I should treasure the monthly cycle, taking precautions to keep off the pain for the most part, as a vital aspect of the feminine divine connection, or in lay-women's terms....Girl Power!

Girl Power!

Pathways In Our Minds

Vagina Diaries Day Twelve

Recently, a local long-time drug store in my town, that has been around for longer than anyone can remember, moved into another location, this only a minor shock that caused an earthquake of wonderment throughout the community.  OMG, Ashland Drug is moving! Why?

For me, I have more personal history with this city locale, for it was my first official place of work while in college, every Tuesday evening from 4:45-9:00, I would stare blankly into space trying to think of something to do, this after dusting the entire front part of the store, my section, and, of course, re-arranging the beanie babies (so very very popular at the time) into a myriad of different combinations on the shelves, then staring out into the inky black night of the city, passersby flowing by reveling in their freedom while I counted the minutes slowly to mine.  (It is a fact of my life that as an actress my fall-back job is childcare but even more of a fall-back is retail, try as I might to break into some form of food services, this is true.)  Also, on Saturdays I worked the 8 hour day shift, hey, it was a college job.

So,with the aforementioned history, I utilize Ashland Drug as my drug store of choice, where I pick up my medications monthly, sometimes bi-monthly.  Because of their new move (which is actually just right around the corner from their old location), I have had to find a new "pathway" or route to this new place.  As I walked down-town (yes, walked) to retrieve my medication of the lovely "Paxil", I was thinking about this new route I had to take when it dawned on me, how easy it is to change course in our physical lives but how difficult to change those pathways in our minds.  You know, those thought processes that are in built through time and experience, relationships throughout the journey of our lives.

For me, the new pathway of my mind that says I need, should, have to love myself, first and foremost.  That I need, should, have to ensure my safety, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, first and foremost and at all cost.  Why is this difficult? For so many reasons related to how I was raised, past relationships, church abuse, etc etc etc

So, now as hard as it is, I admit to the world and to myself mostly, I love me.  Forever.  I am worthy of loving myself and worthy of love that comes to me.  I do not need in any way shape or form to deny myself of this love of myself.  I can delight in nurturing and cherishing myself in small and large ways, without guilt.

The first step is always the hardest but once done, it gets easier and easier to love thyself first.

And Finally, A Healing

Vagina Diaries Day 9

Once again, this entry may not seem to have much to do with the subject of my vagina but when it comes down to the more focused discussion of femininity and strength (See: the popular meme of the late 1990's of 'girl power!), it surely does.  In fact, it appears to be a carry over from yesterday's blog about the realization in 'loving oneself'.

Wannabe

When I was fifteen, I was dealt a blow of extreme heartbreak and betrayal, one that has had lasting effects through every area of my life and relationships subsequently.  During the early summer months of my Sophomore to Junior year of high school, my boyfriend, Matt, of the long term relationship of three months broke up with me, a heart-wrenching thing for any young girl whose new to the world of dating, but added to that was the even worse additional wounding of a supposed best friend.  The best friend, Heidi, seemingly outdid the boyfriend by starting up a relationship with him at least an hour after he had broken it off with me, even after I called her crying in despair for comfort.

As I said, this left a resounding effect on the state of my heart for years to come and is still a battle I face today.  It caused a major disturbance in my relationships overall and a lack of trust in women as 'best friends'.  I started being known as the 'girl's guy', with many guy friends who would love to cross over beyond the friend zone and yet if they were lucky enough to do so, found a very jealous, insecure girl-friend on the other side, one who had the constant fear of having her boyfriend "stolen" by another girl.

So, this has been a life-long struggle, one of which I had some major victory over due to much time and money spent in therapy and various types of recovery programs.  Then of which I have finally learned to love myself which follows the ability to be comfortable "on my own", truly not needing another person to help define my sense of security and self.

In my current relationship, I am glad to say I have a partner who I can trust completely and who really likes being with me, has no issues that keep him closed off from me, and feels he can completely trust me.  All of this to say the effect of the high school trauma is weakening more and more with each passing day.  In truth, I have finally found the ability to forgive both the high school "best friend" and the "ex-boyfriend."

So, last night I had a dream, one of which I made some snarky remark to a mutual friend of mine and my current partner about some lack of her ability as an actress, etc etc etc.  It only made me look poorly in the eyes of not just my boyfriend but all present.  In the dream, he approached me and urged me to apologize to her right away, which I did, of course.  This resulted in my half-waking from the dream to turn to him for comfort when I suddenly stopped...

It dawned on me, once again, that I did not need him to comfort me, reassure me of his love, but could find that in myself.  So, in my dream-self, I lay beside him and thanked the divine universe for healing me of this long-standing affliction and for also giving me finally a boyfriend who I could infinitely trust and who could help support me in this final healing.

Almost like a scene from one of my favorite movies, Inception, I found myself back in the world of the girl before the best friend betrayal, a girl who believed in the innocence that all people were really good and out for my best interest.  A girl who with this aforementioned best friend would delight in sharing her secrets, desires, fears, and willing sit on the school-grounds after school hunting for four-leaf clovers while we waited for our mothers to pick us up and drive us home.

In that moment, the pain of the years pent up betrayal began to lift and I felt a freedom of heart that I hadn't felt in a very long time.  I don't honestly believe that I am completely 100% healed and will probably still have to deal with issues like these in future, but the shedding of this reaction will become gradually easier and easier.

So, what does this have to do with my vagina? Simply put, an increasing development of my personal feminine strength of power and self, an ability to love myself, forgive myself, and trust myself.  An ability also to truly love and forgive those who have wronged me and then to let it all go, to finally move on.

It is that discovery which I find surprising on this journey I am, already finding so much healing and empowerment for myself.  I hope these words of truth and discovery are helping you, the readers, in some way as well.

The Rose

Self-Realization

Vagina Diaries Day 8

Okay, today's entry may not seem to be in any way related to that female body-part we are now getting to know, well at least I am, but in fact it does.  Yesterday, some amazing discoveries happened to me while taking part in some external risks.

When I was a little girl, I was a tap dancer and loved it, along with my good friend, Rinnie.  I never forgot the powerful sensation of gliding over the dance floor with the sound of the tap tap tap ringing out, along with my fellow dancers.  I always longed to get back into it.  (In college, I took one class in it but that was quite awhile ago.)

Later on that night, I played two rousing games of "Magic, The Gathering" with my boyfriend and proceeded to kick his ass royally.  This, too, I used to play somewhat halfheartedly in college with an ex-boyfriend.

What I discovered about picking up both these old hobbies, if you will, is that former pathways in my brain that had been strengthened with these skills were suddenly revisited.  In both activities, I felt a sudden surge of memory recall as I participated in each of them.

But, more importantly, what occurred to me, and most especially while tapping to my delight, was that I was doing something for myself, in short, loving myself.  And, that is the most powerful realization that I am taking away from this Vagina study and the reason for doing this play, the ability to love myself first.

Love myself....first?  This flies in the face of all that I have learned in society and is by far contrary to my church background.  Indeed, my Christian friends who may read this will see this viewpoint as some form of controversy, in the least.  Or in the most extreme, blasphemy.  And, indeed, the years of mind control and oppression make it a necessary medicine I find hard to swallow.  But it isn't either of these, its the most important thing I can ever learn and develop.

For only in learning to love yourself can you truly love others, as the meme says.  But, now I see that focusing on the goal of 'loving others' loses its purpose in the first.  By doing so, I fall back on placing more importance on others than myself, then falling back into the path of self-hatred and others' abuse.  I can look past what I see as flaws of my external self, can let go of my insecurities finally, and at last find healing and freedom.

But, when it comes down to it, in the last several years I have taken active steps in loving myself, without really knowing it (its just what had to be done at the time) and been the most happiest I've been in all my life because of it.  From kicking out my abusive ex-husband to taking dance lessons, I've found value and strength inside myself, not just following after my true calling but in learning to value myself, trust my intuition, and enjoy the path on which I am being lead.  I've learned to let go of being overly concerned with others' wellbeing, that it is not my responsibility to 'save them', and trust the Universe to guide them and support them as needed.  In doing this, I've found more connection with others' in the value their presence in my life teaches me as well as mine in theirs.  By letting go, I learn to love myself more.

This may sound weird to you or wrong but in time I hope you learn to find this truth as well.  I may sound selfish but I really don't care, for I know, at last, I am not.

I love me.  Forever.

Just take a look...

Vagina Diaries Day 7

What do you see when you look at me?

Last spring, I ventured down to the thriving metropolis of Eureka, CA with my lovely boyfriend to visit friends.  While there, we went skinny-dipping and nude sunbathing along the infamous Eel River (well, infamous of my youth anyway).  We are a very open bunch, including myself, my boyfriend of 56 years, his good buddy and the buddy's new girl.

While strolling the sandy and rocky beach and attempting to envelope my body in the icy-cold water while shrieking my mezzo soprano voice in response, I found it easier to look at the male packages, ie their private parts which are none to private when nude, hanging as they do loosely from their bodies, rather than look at the parts of my female counterpart.  To the horror of my friends of the lesbian persuasion, I actually find the penis more attractive than the vagina.  For shame, for shame!

At one point, I was sitting on the beach directly in front of the girl who was sunbathing behind me and turning around I happened to catch a glimpse of her nether region.  I immediately looked away, in shame and shock.  This was her private place, a secret part of her, and somewhere you just don't go.  Looking back, it struck me how my view of the moist cavity between the legs is such a region of not only secrecy but shame and fear.

So, last night, when nude modeling (see my day jobs include the variety of nude modeling to substitute teaching, heck its random but I make my own schedule), I laid back with my legs opened slightly, realizing that the artists' could get a pretty wide viewpoint.  This was a shocking thought to me but one of immense freedom.

Look at me, I was saying loudly without words.  Take a look.

It helped bring about healing and awareness of self.  A sense that this part of me was not some forbidden zone but something to be enjoyed and expressed freely and with delicious pleasure.

So, take a look.  Don't be afraid.

What do you see when you look at me?

Shower love!

Vagina Diaries Day 6

Okay, here's getting a little personal, not to say I haven't been, but this post may be a little risque, so read with caution if you have a very over-active imagination and never wanted to go there with me, or my S.O.  I think we can safely say this blog could most likely be rated R or maybe NC-17 if it were to be a movie, well it won't because I will never do film work like that.

Here goes...

Things were getting hot & heavy in the shower (see: I like to, at times, take joint showers with my boy, not always for sexual purposes but sometimes for the intimacy factors & well, for water preservation, yeah, that's it but I digress...).

Well, since I was on this journey of the vagina, I asked my guy what he thought of my pussy, my down there region, this after he had finished eating me out.  He made a little joke of sorts but I urged him to share with me honestly.  He thought for a moment and then slipped his finger inside of me first one, then two.  I orgasmed loudly and freely (as I always do, I never hold back) several times and then when finished, he rose to my face and said,

"That's what I think of your vagina."

This brought on the realization that I have never attempted to do this for myself, well have attempted but given up preferring having a partner over doing it myself.  But, I really think I need to explore myself more, become familiar as it were with my 'pussy', in order to establish love and appreciation for this part of me.  Not just as some form of tool or means of "getting a guy" but as a vital aspect of my being.