The Effects of Purity Culture #purityculture #fundamentalism #christianity

When I was a preteen, I went to Bible camps because my single dad got me a scholarship and it was free babysitting for a week each summer. At the end of every Bible camp, they would ask if anyone wanted to“give their life to the Lord.” At 13, I made this decision. My dad didn’t go to church, but my mom and my new stepdad did, so I got baptized at their church.

Fast forward through my teen years, where I was hanging out with friends older than myself and going to concerts and parties. I was 18 when I met my (now ex-) husband and we were married when I was only 19 years old. The honeymoon quickly faded revealing him to be very controlling and told me I needed to stop hanging out with my friends. He also insisted I get rid of my music, my life at the time. He was not a good person to me but I was blind to his controlling nature. He was a textbook narcissist. 

During our marriage, I was abused emotional, sexually, and religiously. He used the Bible to control me for his pleasure, condoned by the teachings of the church which states their belief that the husband is head of the household. I became increasingly more depressed through our 12 year marriage, and  developed many chronic pain and health conditions. I felt alone as I was alienated by my health added to the reality that I did not have close friends in the church to truly check on or help me.  This was a reality I was unaware of at the time but would eventually make itself apparent.

When we finally went to marriage counseling, it was suggested that I go to a counseling center out of state for my depressione. While there, I realized the spell I was under by my narcissistic husband and was slowly able to begin the process of breaking free from him, enough to kick him out of the house (that I was paying for!) not long after I came back.

Since then, I have gone to many different counselors to work through the abuse and to heal. I am still in counseling a decade later. I’m scared to go to church because everyone sided with my ex during our divorce, revealing the truth that they were never really my friends. Thus, I decided to start new in another state closer to my family. However, I still won’t attend church for many reasons, but that’s a whole other story I can explain later. I do try to date, but my health is still a hardship making it difficult to leave the house.

Yes, I do still believe in God, but my struggle is with Bible itself. Today,  I consider myself “spiritual” instead of religious. I am open to remarrying if I ever meet the right person, but I have a lot to work through first. I hope my story can help others who are trapped in an abusive marriage to consider a change.

Jess Hart is an artist, rescues cats, and enjoys punk music. She lives in West Texas.

Jess Hart https://linktr.ee/thisisjesshart

I am a born-again...wiccan!

May The Circle Be Open

May the Circle be open,

But unbroken.

May the love of the Goddess

be ever in your heart.

Merry Meet,

And Merry Part,

And Merry Meet again.

To be born again, mostly reserved for fundamentalist Christianity, simply means "to experience the new birth, "spiritual rebirth", or a regeneration of the human spirit".  In reality, the term "born again" did not originate from the translated words of Jesus, but from the Latin Vulgate, most likely coined by St. Jerome, then passed down to the writers' of the early biblical texts.  

From my personal spiritual journey, I have come to believe that all seekers, whether religious, spiritual, or not, are continuously on the path of rebirth and regeneration, which be the ultimate purpose for all, no matter the belief.

Born into an agnostic, non-religious family, I have always been a seeker, endlessly searching for something more than what is visible.  Whether it be for a personal security lacking within or an endless curiousity, the truth of my seeking heart never wavered.  

At a young age, playing with my friends, I believed in a God, similar to what I saw on the cartoon screens, long white beard, white frock, living amongst the clouds.  No matter the simplicity of that, I believed, innately, within myself in something beyond.  No one had to share this or impel this upon me, I simply just knew it.  Fear not, this is not going to be a Fundie-Christian testimonial of why you should believe and 'praise Jesus', but a recounting of the twists and turns imparted upon my spiritual journey.

As I grew older, into my teens, I found myself sharing dialogues with my friends' about what lay beyond, what was unseen, focusing more on the ways of occult, such as astrology and wiccan practices, dabbled with a hint of Buddhism, sprinkled within the context of our creative pursuits, which be writing, acting, singing, and the like.  

As I grew older, into my twenties, a broken, hurting, lost soul, I found myself entering the confines of the Christian Fundamentalist church.  Nine years part of that world view in total, counting the times where I 'backslid' out, then back in on fire for the Lord, as they encouraged, I proclaimed myself as born again Christian and born again virgin again and again and again.  (I kept returning to the dick, I mean, sin, as was premarital relations referred.) Never quite fitting in or making it with the authoritarian rule of the church, not with Jesus, the unconditional love I sought became increasingly the opposite, alike that of which I was raised and unlike that which I needed.  

Leaving left me more broken, empty then before, afraid I was a lost lamb caught in the throes of sin, I struggled to find my security and healing from the toxic effects of fundamentalism.  I spent those first few years out in a confining and abusive marriage, romantic love being another quest for security of which never finding fulfillment.  

Upon ending the marriage, I finally had the freedom to heal from the myriad of abuse from oh so many a source.  Breaking up with religion was a painful process as I struggled to define myself without that context.  Am I a Christian, I would implore, or do I even want to use that name to describe myself? The answer coming forth was resoundingly negative.

It was upon reading the Hindu text, Srimad Bhagatavan, wherein I found my freedom and forgiveness for the nine years of organized religion.  For I saw the similar language within this Hindu text as the Christian Bible, thereby realizing that all spirituality is alike, all humanity, regardless of race or origin, is on a quest to understand life's purpose, and that, truthfully, all paths do, in fact, lead to the great beyond (enlightenment/heaven/nirvana,etc).  

After the ten years deconstructed fully out of the church, I find myself returning to my first youthful spiritual position, wiccan, yet now a fuller appreciation for the practice and life-style.  "An it harm none, do what ye will" be the wiccan code and such I strive to live by within and without.  I find in myself truthfully born again.

Therefore, from my personal spiritual journey, I have come to believe that all seekers, whether religious, spiritual, or not, are continuously on the path of rebirth and regeneration, which be the ultimate purpose for all, no matter belief or none.  For my part, I find myself reborn once again to my original spiritual beliefs, yet whole and healthy, fully understanding the truth of to do no harm and wanting to impart beauty and wellbeing upon all, including myself.  Understanding finally that I need not be an expert in wiccan beliefs, nor any, but the true path of believers of any sort is to enjoy the quest, gathering, exploring, understanding more upon the soul's journey.  Constantly I am arriving more fully into myself, realizing that spirituality is simple yet profound, unique within, no need for conversion or display outward.  

For this, I am grateful for the choices I made that led me to where I am.  No longer do I feel hatred toward those that wronged, whatever the confines, for I am grateful for the lessons learned with all.  For without such, I would never have come to a place of truly becoming 'born-again' within. 

Come Little Children

Hush now dear children, it must be this way

Too weary of life and deceptions

Rest now my children

For soon we'll away

Into the calm and the quiet

Articles used as reference:

Born again

THE GOOD WICCAN

The True Meaning of ‘Born Again’ Isn’t What You Think

Happy Autumn #mabon #equinox

 

 (The word, Mabon, for the autumn equinox was realized in the 1970's by Wiccan Aidan Kelly.) 

On the 21st and 22nd, we experience the pagan celebration of Mabon, pronounced may·
bn.  Named after the God of Welsh mythology, Mabon is known as the son of the Earth Mother Goddess, Modron, and he the Child of Light.  According to legend, Mabon signifies the time when the God of Light lost his battle with the God of Darkness, resulting in longer nights and shorter days.  However, on this day, September 22nd, night and day are of equal length, similar to the Spring Equinox, Ostara (The Meaning Of Equinox #daffodils).  Opposite on the pagan calendar from Ostara, we find ourselves once again in a place of equality, dark and light, masculine and feminine, inner and outer, the universe as we know it in perfect balance for this moment in time, this day. 

In this time of balance, the cycle of the world begins its journey of completion.  As the nights grow darker and longer, so to, nature begins its descent towards release and farewell.  In this ending, we celebrate the Goddess in her vibrant self as Harvest Queen while the God begins his release unto darkness and death, leaving behind his sacrificial gift of love through the final crop cut.  He will return, once more, when the sun beams high, but for now, we look inward at the months and days previous, honoring from whence we came, what we learned, and preparing for finality.   With each turn of the wheel brings a time of inner gratitude, lessons, and insights.

Although the term "Mabon" was brought into reality by Aidan Kelly in the 1970's, the celebration of Harvest has long been a practice throughout the centuries. In the 1700's, the Bavarians celebrated Oktoberfest during the last week of September.  Furthermore, many farmers throughout the ages, have celebrated Lammas on August 1st as the day to honor the first of three harvests.  Continuing with that theme, Octber 3rd was the date of the original Thanksgiving, as by the end of November, all has dormant and there is nothing remaining.  

There are many different ways to honor and celebrate Mabon.  Many choose to do this by picking apples, a symbol of the second harvest, thanking the gods for the bountiful harvest.  Others choose to perform a ritual to enhance and restore balance and harmony.  Furthermore, an altar with the symbols of the season can be set up to honor Mabon.  

Mabon (Lyrics Video) Lisa Thiel 2005

Oh now is the time of the Harvest,

As we draw near to the years end

Now is the time of Mabon

Autumn is the time to descend

Websites used as research for this entry:

Mabon/Autumn Equinox September 21st-22nd

The Origins and Practices of Mabon

  

My Vagina, The Divine

Vagina Diaries Day Sixteen

I recently started a forty day devotional journey entitled, "One Day My Soul Just Opened Up".  (A Side Note: Not being a Catholic or Episcopalian and therefore not familiar with Lent, I somehow end up picking up 40 day devos during this time-period, coincidence?)  Even though I'm currently on "Day Two", I already like the language of the writer as she is not only using the feminine gender to identify "GOD" but also using the idea of the "divine within", a concept that flies in the face of my fundamental teaching I so narrowly escaped from but moreover a truth that is bringing such immense freedom and healing to my entire being.

Today's focus was on the viewpoint of Trust, not to trust in the relationships with others but in one's own relationship with God(dess), the divine within, and also that of the divine in others.  In that, trusting becomes lasting and something of which we can rely upon to bring fulfillment.

Meditating upon this and thinking about what to write in today's Vagina diary, a facebook friend posted this:

So, with these words fresh in mind coupled with the realization of the trusting the divine within, I started thinking about the nature of my vagina.

Looking at it in recent months, I've often thought of it as unattractive or even non-existent, something I try hard to forget about, usually unsuccessfully.  In that, view of ugliness is the realization of that I do not truly understand my vagina.  It is not just a mere organ on my body, a moist cavity between my legs, but a living vital aspect of myself, a part of my divinity.

In that, I discover an amazing surge of beauty and strength.  It is there that a large degree of my hope and empowerment resides and rests.  As I discover this beauty, not only does the health of my vagina flourish (haven't had a yeast infection in many years) but also my health of self, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and even physically deepens.

So, if you ladies out there still find this part of you dark, dirty, even ugly, I urge you to reflect on my discoveries and spend some time with your vagina, and see what you discover.  I hope you find the freedom, healing, and enlightenment I have discovered.

Help Jackie Find Her Vagina!

Moths to Blessings

Well, its been an awfully long time since I have transcribed words across this 'here blog' and yet I am a little unsure of what to write.

A lot has happened in my life since the last entry, as in I finished the aforementioned play, which birthed into Scrooge, A Magical Musical, which in a way solidified my calling as an actress & singer, and inspired the impulse to keep writing--as in an idea for a screenplay floated through my consciousness during that production, mainly something along the lines of "A Twisted Meg Ryan Movie".  Very shortly I will once again trespass across the boards at 'Ye Ole Randall Theatre" in the upcoming production of "The Elephant Man!"

But, what I really have been thinking of late is how finding my calling has brought such transformation and healing into my life.  In fact, the word for 2012, regardless of the "meme" for that year, for me personally, is "Redemption".  And, in a sense, because of all that transpired in that year, I find myself truly understanding that word in its fullest sense, even though I have studied the very word for many a year now.

Because of my getting back into the wonderful world of the stage, I truly found healing, more of which than ever possible on the couch of a psychotherapist!  I've learned the value of honoring your word & keeping to your commitments.  I've learned that the heart is wide & accepting of so much love, if you allow it--and even, that I am a time-lady, truly, and have the capacity to love more than one, and yet still honoring the one my heart, mind, & soul is bethrothed.

I've realized what it means to be truly, "In God's Will"--to truly "step out in faith, follow his leading, & trust".  I've seen God work, provide, move, and do miracles in many of my friends lives, from being brought back from the brink of death and the list goes on...and on...and on...

Its not all been easy, and I wouldn't want to go back and relive it, but I am grateful for each step, each moment---if only for the amazing friends that have become family in my life now, and the lessons of love that have been brought my way.

Daily I am astounded by the beauty & love that I am blessed with, by the people God surrounds me with!

I pray every day for God to continue to "push my boundaries further" so I can know more of the great love He has for me & venture into more & more places to discover more of myself & be me to my fullest potential!

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Goal for the Day: Be a Rose Tyler!

Okay, so here we go again with another entry comparing my love for the Doctor and all things Doctor Who (and if you haven't discovered this show, you have one week to do so!), and comparing it to faith-based realities.

And the love of the Doctor is just what I want to focus on.  Today, I look at one of the best, if not the most loved, companions: Rose Tyler (played by the very talented, Billie Piper!)

Rose, I think, set the standard for the archetype of companion and relationship with the Doctor for those that would come after her.  Billie Piper, who played Rose, played the role in such a way that we, as the viewer, could relate in that we, and perhaps mostly female viewers, would react the same way upon knowing the Doctor so intimately.

Rose could put him in his place yet still be the object of his attention and adoration.  She was the companion who first came close to touching his heart and showing him that he could love, not just objectively, but truly love someone.  He showed her the kind of adoration and affection and connection that he had shown no other companion or traveler.  In addition, she understood him the way no one else could and stood by him even when they were separated.

He burnt up an entire sun just to say good-bye to her; she told him she loved him, he cried, she cried--

He told Martha that she was not replacement for Rose...

She did everything she could to get back to this world, this reality, so she could, yes, help to save the world and the rest of the universe, but be with him again--

And, those she was working with, helped her to get back to him---

The point was, Rose was cherished, loved, and adored by the Doctor.  So, too, we are cherished, loved, and adored by our "Physician", and that is what should inspire and encourage us to do the right thing, stand for truth, fight the good fight, walk the walk He calls us too--

In the face of all adversity, pitfalls, trials, remember we are Roses in God's eyes!

So, too, we should surround ourselves with people who can help us get to our love, remind us of the one who loves us above all, and we, too, should help to encourage them there is one that loves, cherishes, adores them--

Remember, people will let us down, even those closest to us, but there is one, our "Doctor", so to speak, who always will be there and is there, when we need him, who, in truth, loves us, cherishes us, adores us, and will go to great lengths to be with us---

So, in every thing you do, be a Rose Tyler!  Accept the love and adoration of your beloved and let that be your saving grace that empowers you!

"How gracious will you be when pangs come upon  you, Like the pain of a woman in labor?" Jeremiah 22:23

He who has ears, let him hear

Love God, Love Others, Love Self?

"Whoever is simple, let him turn in here!" Proverbs 9ish

Where is here?  Well, the "here" referred to is our spiritual sense, the Spirit, God, Jesus, Higher Power, in however, that relates to you.  In my own experience, I seem to not be able to find wisdom in following my own understanding; as Marvin the Paranoid Android says (in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy), "this will all end in tears, I know it."  And, yes, I have found that following my own will, it does.  So, yes, the moral of the story, is to seek guidance from above.  I am speaking personally here, yet "he who has ears to hear, let him hear."

I also find wisdom in "whoever is simple" as we are told to be "as little children" in our spiritual paths.  In truth, I have found that in moments of pride, I seem to be farthest from the path of the Spirit.

Randomly, I have been thinking of the idea behind the spiritual "scripture" from a different spiritual background than my own (yet they seem to be more related than otherwise believed):

"Do what thy will shall be the whole of the law.  Love is the law; Love under will."

Which, if you connect it with the greatest commandments in the Bible, you find a deeper understanding and connection and acceptance of this quotation (ha ha, meme, j/k):

"Love the Lord Your God with all your heart, mind, and spirit.  Love your neighbor as yourself."

Basically, if love is the law and we are told to Love God and others, than it follows that that should be the focus of our said religious preferences and truly the message of Jesus, simply put, to love.

You dig? Questions? Comments? Cookies? Good things to say?

His Will or the Highway?

"Your kingdom come, Your will be done."  Matthew 6:10

As I look towards the future and pray for direction, whether it be in job-related activities, art, writing, family, health, I am reminded by this scripture that He knows better than me the path I am to take, and in fact, it is Him who sees the entire purpose of what I go through today and how it will impact the days to come.

What I pray for, is abundance of blessings, as He calls us to pray; not to pray that God would award me with a million dollars or a brand new car, as if I am owed such a thing, as if those things have matter.  But, rather that I would go beyond the poverty line of faith, that I would accept Him at his word that he has storehouses of riches and blessings and promises for me in Heaven.  That I wouldn't wait Heaven to see what I have missed out on in this life.

So, with this knowledge, I seek His will and perfect plan for my life, abiding in him minutely, hourly, daily.  In all I do during the day and have going on in my life, I just trust that it will all work out according to His purposes.  I pray that my heart will be so aligned with His that all that I desire would be in alliance with His heart.  Whatever I hope for today, I hope tomorrow it will work out for the greater good of the kingdom in Heaven and in Earth.

I don't know, maybe what you are going through, whether success or struggle, you can rest in the promise that it will all work out for good, if we hope and have faith.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:14

He who has ears to hear, let him hear

Laying it all down

If you have been a faithful reader, which chances are you haven't because,well, I'm quite verbose and go on and on...but hey, maybe slowly those that notice trickle in, and I know you secretly care, but are too busy to put in the effort, and I salute you for the personal efforts you put into your journeys...it all works together for good, we are a team, we work together, whether the distance separates us, we are connected by the spirit so that whatever the calling, therefore we are together doing the work side by side....all have a calling and a purpose on their lives...

But, if you have been reading, you know that I have once again picked up the mantle of a little bit of the ol' crazies, as we shall call them, the mind swirling crazies, and my marriage has at seemed in jeopardy.  But, by the grace of God, things seem to be falling into place, friends that really matter are forgiving and coming back, even after my pride got in the way of my heart towards them, services for my personal health, medical/mental, are opening doors for me, and jobs keep appearing then disappearing and sooner or later the perfect one that meets all me needs will fall into my lap.  I don't want to appear too desparate, but must trust in the Lord for his security, which is a challenge.

So, those of you who are reading this daily, and for those of you who just peeked in, I am on a new quest for healing, and a new journey towards creativity is part of that; writing this blog, getting parts in plays, etc.  But, one thing that stays with me is that I must not loose sight of the Lord or I shall be trampled over by own temptation and pride.  Besides this,  my husband and I have been meeting each other in a quiet time of prayer, just listening to the Lord's direction for our life as individuals and as a couple.  As the sermon spoke to me today, overlaying the hope of Christ is more important than the hope of saving my marriage, yet with that hope my marriage will be sanctified.  Daily, I constrain to lay it all down for my husband and be a submissive wife.

But, several messages spoke to me through Pastor Bill's sermon (yeah, my pastor's name is bill too), first if my hope is set on the return on Christ it will energize me to do the things of the Lord.  Then, in order to be a living vessel for  him, I need to be cleansed from my wickedness and make healthy decisions that can prepare my heart for every good work.  For my heart can turn to wickedness without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and my weakness is anger.  So, I surrender every day for the strength of the Lord to give me self control from my anger, from my wicked thoughts or the crazies, so that I may be "the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome, but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently, enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness."

For, as this sermon, pointed out, we live in the dark times of the end.  And if we don't have the overlay of hope on our hearts to shine on the world, we won't be able to save those that are blind to destruction to come.  I want to be one that can have that hope clearly seen through me that can attact others to their maker, their true love, the one who completes their heart (You do the math to whom I am talking about).  I want to save much alive.

So, I pray and surrender that I will be clear headed, less stubborn, God focused, with a sense of hope in dark days whether it be in my marriage with our own imperfections or our financial woes or the days to come.  For even those outside the faith of Jesus see the signs, they are talking about the New World Order, the Bilderbergers, etc wanting to take over control and assert world dominance.  Oh so much is going on, concentration camps, guillitines, lowering world population, chem trails, etc.  And, my dear pilgrims, it scares them for they have nowhere to run, really, but the hills and hide.

However, in my heart, when I fear, there is one place I run, when I am scared, I turn to my Jesus and the Holy Spirit comes in and overlays that spirit of Hope upon me.  I can rest in that.  Can you?

So, I challenge you today, to search out your heart, what are you most fearful of?  Surrender it, lay it aside, and lean on the hope found only in God.  The dark days are coming in our own hearts and in this world, without delay today, place your hope in not what you see but in your faith, for that will carry you through.

And as I walk through my valley of healing from the crazies of my mind and heart, praying for healing for myself and my husband, I know that with the strength and hope of the Lord we shall come through this time with his healing, and that even during the darkness of the valley he will be there...

Yes, this world will go through dark times, and it may not be the tea partiers or the occupiers who save the world, it may only be one man who can in one instance silence all rebellion....do you know his name?  Call on him.

Lay it all down, aside all that so easily ensnares and run to your creator, whatever that may be for you, for he alone is our source of hope, and cling to that hope eternal...that alone will carry you through the dark times of your own soul and the times this would is about to go through.

Dear friend and fellow pilgrim, march on with faith and diligence, with hope and prayer....

And, pray for me, that in my healing, I will have the strength to be a light for the truth, and many will run to that healing power.

Only those who obey can believe

To start out, I don't want to sound to preachy or to Christian with this edition of my blog.  I am just reading these amazing books.  I have been busy with interviews and auditions and such; so I took extra time to read three spiritual books I have been reading, plus the bible, plus worshipping through song, and plus a time in my prayer journal.  So, in this entry, I will attempt to impart the jewels that I am gleaning from each of these books.  For starters, two of these books are not, shall we say, necessarily Christian books, one of them is, and, of course, the Bible is what it is.

In an earlier blog, I wrote about standing up for what is right and fighting in my own quiet way for a better America.  To further this point, I read in 1 Timothy this morning, "I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we lead a peaceful and quiet life"...before I start to ramble about the various conspiracy theories, that I believe in fact are true about our government, I hope that I can drop to my knees in prayer for those in authority above us, that they will change their ways and commit themselves to the mighty hand of God, and come what may accept what he (or she) doles out to them.  Next, it goes on to say that living in this quiet, prayerful way is "good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth".  Before you get your panties in a bunch you nonChristians, I must share what I read in "Love without Conditions" (not necessarily of a Christian background but simply professing to be of Christ's origin) about truth: "Truth is a door that remains open.  You cannot close this door.  You can choose not to enter.  You can walk in the opposite direction.  But you can never say, "I tried to enter, but the door was closed."  The door is never closed to you or anyone else."

My desire for my family, friends, and dear readers is that all may seek after something beyond this world and find that what is true to them.  In my own searchings through scripture and spiritual practice, I have prayed that I will be a servant to all and I pray that as I recount to you, merely what these texts are teaching me, that I will in turn remain a servant to you.  In my heart, I desire to "pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness.  Fight the good fight of faith" to whatever capacity that I can attain while on this earth.  One of which is to fall to my knees, to bow my head, and to strive to be better in my prayer life.  Also, to be humble in my own understanding and discernment of others suffering; to use it as an opportunity to pray.  After all, Jesus told us not to do our good works before men, but in secret.

One thing I have learned today from the book "The Feminine face of God" is that we must often leave what is comfortable to seek out deeper meaning and spiritual growth.  This happened when I was forced to leave Calvary Chapel Healdsburg behind and set out to find some other way to fulfill my longing for God.  As I said earlier, I was without church.  I had to learn that my faith should be deeper than what I learn in a building or with others, its more than warming a spot on a pew, or memorizing a scriptures.  Its when you get alone with God and realizes that deep down He is all you need.  As I said before, because of the shattered pieces of my broken mind, I was like a child...but it is Christ that welcomes those to him as little children.  The Feminine Face of God ends the 2nd chapter with this: "it is the need for honoring the purity and openness of a child's mind.  Perhaps someday, as the Swiss psychoanalyst Alice Miller writes, we will come to "regard our children as not as creatures to manipulate or to change but rather as messengers from a world we once deeply knew but which we have long since forgotten who can reveal to us more about the true secrets of life, and also our own lives, than our parents were ever able to."  It is my desire whereever I end up teaching that I see children more as teachers for my own wellbeing than my own imparting what I need to give them.  That in fact, it can possibly be an open mindedness give in take between child and myself.

In closing I want to share something that speaks mostly to me, which might turn readers away from this blog, for all intense and purposes I mean not for that to happen.  This writing today is only to share what spoke to me in the various books I spent almost four hours reading and studying and praying over.  About a month ago, I wandered into a local bookstore and found this book with a simple cover that read "The Cost of Discipleship".  Because of its simplicity, it spoke to me and also because it was 6 bucks I bought it.  What I put here is merely for my benefit as I develop in my faith and I apologize if it does in fact convict you.  I am truly deeply engrossed in this book and there is so much insight there that it is hard to pick and choose what to share.

First, I must insist that it is a book about following and obeying Christ; that obeying is the essense of true faith.  As Bonhoeffer writes, "this situation is therefore not the consequence of our obedience, but the gift of him who commands obedience.  Unless we are prepared to enter into that situation, our faith will be unreal, and we shall deceive ourselves.  We cannot avoid that situation for our supreme concern is with a right faith in Jesus Christ and our objective is, and always will be faith, and faith alone."  Furthermore, "Only those who believe obey" is what we say to that part of a believer's soul which obeys, and "only those who obey believe" is what we say to the part of the obedient which believes."

What I want to share that is for my own personal development as a believer in Christ that goes beyond that of cheap, superficial faith is something that is so convicting that it may turn away all readers, I hope not.  Give me the benefit of the doubt, this is is more for me, than for you and yet it may speak to you, that is not my intention.  But, at the risk of losing your friendship and support, I include:

"You are disobedient, you are trying to keep some part of your life under your own control.  That is what is preventing you from listening to Christ and believing in his grace.  You cannot bear Christ because you are wilfully disobedient.  Somewhere in your heart you are refusing to listen to his call.  Your difficulty is your sins."

In other words, as it says in Love without Conditions, ""You are all masters at taking the truth and inverting it.  You have the creative ability to make anything mean what you want it to mean.  You can take yes and make it no, wrong and make it right.  That is how strong your beliefs are."

My intention of this blog was not to step on any toes but merely to show what these books, in their own ways, have speaking to me.  Please glean from then what you will and let the rest fall by the wayside.

Here are the books I am reading:
Love Without Conditions by Paul Ferrini
The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
The Feminine Face of God by Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins

Remember, my beloved friends and readers, you are in my heart.  If you need prayer, don't hesitate to ask.  I love you all and thank you for your support.  Whatever you decide to do, if you turn away from these words because I appear to Christian ( I cannot hide my true faith), then I hope all will work out for you in your path.  If you decide to continue to read, I can only pray that my words will continue to heal, to inspire, and to bring hope.

With endless love, I close this entry.