The Heirarchy of Togetherness

A few years ago, in California, I attended a small Calvary Chapel.  Looking back what I remember is how much of a hierarchy there was in what was professed to be a unity of believers.  All members of the congregation seemed to, in a sense, worship the pastor.  They'd repeat his jokes and repeat all  his commentary on spirituality as if he had the final final word on God.  There was no individual thought process, as far as I could see (and yes I admit even in myself) but all that was spoken by him was regurgitated out of the mouths of the "face-less,identity-less flock."

In comparison to this, I have found in my community theatre work out a real sense of camaredie as the title professes, a "hierarchy of togetherness".  With the exception of my lovely room-mate, no one obsesses over or worships the artistic director (see our fearless leader!).  We are all, in a word, in it together and for the long haul, producing in equal parts of effort united in reaching our goal of creative excellency.  (Or at close to that as we can achieve on a limited budget!)

This is in definite contrast to the church I attended in California.  While the church invited everyone to attend, it was with an exception, you must, in a sense, drink the kool-aid, in my humble opinion, not what Jesus meant when Heg said, "All are welcome".  Yes, you can join our church, if you think, act, and dress like us.  I've hinted at this before and in so many words I profess my firm belief that Calvary Chapel is a cult.  (I hear now express that if any readers are members of Calvary Chapels that they remove themselves immediately.  The pastors and leadership are not what they seem.  I can speak personally of psychological damage that has been caused by their influence.)

Not so at the Randall, we produce something that draws all manner of people with our efforts at creative passion hoping that it will reach in a more meaningful fashion than that of any church or religious affiliation because we allow for freedom of thought, beliefs, and individuality.  In my opinion, we offer something of real value.  While some have called us a clique, I concur that we are, in fact, the uncliqueish clique out there, because we accept all into our fold with the express desire that they only be their true selves.

Here's to the crazy ones...if you are, you are welcome!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SswMzUWOiJg

What's on the Inside?

The ol' meme tells us: "It's not about what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that matters." --As of this, truly is what keeps our minds from the superficial.

Until recently, I believed myself wholeheartedly that I followed this form of thought.  Until I met someone and found myself not attracted to the physical, insomuch, as to who I perceive they are inside, the beautiful person and passionate creativity that inspires me, touches my soul, and, in a sense, gets me.  I didn't allow myself to admit this attraction because admittedly I was hung up on the exterior, an idea that I discovered in myself to be humbling.

Strangely though, I have discovered, of recent, friends that value me not for my exterior but for the who I really am inside.  In past relationships (primarily with men), I felt objectified by my 'barbie-doll' physique and made to feel unintelligent.  With women, I was immediately seen as a threat to their relationships as soon as I walked in the room and before I even opened my mouth.  Because of this, I strove to hide the blatantly obvious physical, masking it with a sarcastic, sometimes witty, sense of humor.  It often didn't work: guys, at least my assumption says, saw me as not only sexy but funny!  A win for them, I guess.

Fast forward a few years when I started going to church where I was seen as some kind of seductress because of my figure (one that I inherited from my lovely Grandma).  I would walk up to my male "brothers" of the flock to have a friendly conversation and be looked at as if I was trying to jump their bones.  This made me feel so low for the way God built me that I began trying to cover up so much of my body that I was practically wearing a burka and started massively dieting to an extreme so that my body would become more childish, in affect, I would lose my sexuality.  No matter what I did in the church, men saw me as sex-object and thus the enemy.

Until recently, when I started acting and hanging out with the crazy theatre folks, did I begin to accept how I look and finally allow my whole self, the inner me, the real me to emmerge.  And, it is in that that I find healing and acceptance.  You would think with a bunch of actors and theatre folk one would have to be more superficial yet strangely this is not the case.  With my circle of theatre and film folk, I feel as if I am really being looked at, not examined as a possible lay or an immoral enemy, but for the truth of my heart and soul.

For this reason, I am thankful that not only can I finally achieve a healthy sense of mind, heart,  and body but through that I can express myself through creative expression and emotion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFRm2srRC64

Loved you once....

Needed Protection...

On the way home tonight, a song came on the radio that wrenched at my heart.  The words of the song escape me now but listening to its cheesy lyrics I was struck by the image in my mind of my first dance at my wedding; the dance with my first true love.  A painful thought today because I truly believed in my vows to love, honor, cherish in sickness and in health til death do us part.  I never thought I would be who I am today, so much as a 'young divorcee' with a crockpot and a vegetable garden and a cat for company (and yes, two loveable she-roomies who do make the hard times endurable with their love and laughter). 

But, even through the, at times, crushing pain, I know I must move on, that there are others out there for me to love and others who want to love me.  The trick is, through the slow recovery process of moving one step in front of the other, picking up the pieces of my shattered glass heart, am I willing to let love in again? Am I willing to experience new life?

It is a fact of my existence that I hold no regrets for my marital vows.  I made the decision to marry my ex-husband because I truly love him with all my heart and believe he loves me as well.  My focus now must be not on the past but to move forward in faith for what love and experience the future path shall bring; enjoying every moment as if it was my last.

The main theme of my life is to never cease to tell someone you love them; life is short and is to be lived to the fullness, complete with an open heart ready to experience where the spirit leads.

To my first love, I express my undying and eternal love; no matter how far apart the separation or the nature of our future relationship, this truth will never die nor fade.  I love you forever and always!

But, I must move on.  I must allow my heart to be filled with love again and I must continue to move onward with my calling.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKwIHfZcU9A

All About Carry A. Nation

 Below is the character sketch I wrote based on my part in my upcoming show, The Great American Western, which opens June 21st at the Randall Theatre:

My name is Carrie Nation, but my father named me Carry Moore, as written in the family Bible. I was born on November 25 in the year of our Lord 1846, in the back country of Kentucky. My father's name was George and he owned a plantation. He held slaves of which I was reared. For example, I wasn't allowed to eat with my family until I came of age, because “children are meant to be seen and not heard”. My mother, Mary, suffered with “mental problems” and thought at times that she was a lady-in-waiting to the queen of England and then the Queen of England.

I have taught as a teacher but was fired from the position thus experiencing financial hardship. So, I married Charles Gloyd, a doctor. My parents objected and I didn't know why, until upon living with him found that he was a severe alcoholic. I left him because he was unable to to provide for the family. Together, we have a daughter, Charlien. Even though I believe children should be seen and not heard, I have a bit more hardship with her because she has emotional difficulties, similar to that of my mother's, caused by her father's alcoholism. For this reason, I have had to commit her to the Texas State Lunatic Asylum. At that time, they also tried to commit me for reasons that are not clear. Furthermore, I have decided my mission in life is to save people from the wreckage caused by alcohol abuse both emotionally and physically. This is God's calling upon my life and I will accomplish this feat by any means necessary.

Due to financial hardship and societal pressures, I have had to remarry Dr. David A. Nation. He is 19 years my senior, but in marriage I have found financial security which affords me the luxury to fulfill God's purpose for my life. He has worked as an attorney, a minister, and a newspaper editor. Our first endeavor, based on my husband's interest, was to purchase a cotton farm. This failed due to my husband's lack of experience (and my lack of interest) in farming.

We now live in Dirtwater where my husband is the preacher in Disciples of Christ church. I have started the Women's Christian Temperance Union (WCTU). I am the president and I have helped many women, including Garmaine, Maggie, and Sioux, out of the depravity of unhealthy lifestyles focusing on men and negative substances. My hope and prayer is that the rest of Dirtwater would turn from their sinful ways. In my spare time, I also volunteer as a jail evangelist and try to reform the inmates, teach Sunday School, and attend to the poor and needy.

The truth is, I have my own demons and driving spirits to contend with, based on past familial neglect and heartaches. When I first arrived in Dirtwater, I founded the temperance union and am determined to get my point across, my point is THE WAY, the ONLY WAY to living the RIGHT LIFE. However, as I push my views around and insist, quite loudly and at times violently, on others, I know deep down my heart is not well. By the time, I am arrested and jailed (for unjustified reasons, I might add), I find deliverance from my own controlling behaviors, in fact realize that such as alcohol is a force that controls some, so do am I addicted to the power of controlling others. In reality, I discover that I lack all control, which scares me more, which increases my desire to appear more and more in control. After Dallas, I realize that by relinquishing control, I not only feel a lot more at peace, but have a better way of reaching people with a message of love, not hate, and transforming their lives to freedom through forming meaningful relationships. This is what I have found now in the place I am in eternity. Saving someone doesn't require control, but allowing yourself to love them where they are at non-judgementally. I show that love at the end by buying the child, Fester, who himself has been delivered, in a sense, a football team. In short, from my time in the outer world, I have found that love is the most valuable gift we are given and can give to others.

I, Carrie Nation, (not Lia Weston) agree to be portrayed in this play in the fashion that I am because I feel that in my life on earth I went about spreading my message with hate and therefore was unsuccessful in my endeavors. I feel that by having myself made into a caricature, the true message of transformation and journey to wholeness will be shown, not just in those I want to reach but in my life.

Beginning Again at 35!

With the life transistion of divorce and lost love, I have finally realized that there is more to this world than Ashland, Oregon, and that if I ever want to make the difference I desire in this world and to truly following my calling, my path is leading me out of Oregon.  Truly though for more reasons that I can count, Oregon, and especially Ashland, will have a dear place in my heart and will always remain my true home (even more than the place I grew up).

I realize, of course, that my time as an actress and the career I am building here is very much like candy-land compared to the world that I go after---and thus, that I need to thicken my skin while still allowing my heart to open.  This weekend's lesson was that, even in 'Candy-land', one must expect, but not hope for, rejection and learn to not take that personal.  Keep hoping, keep moving forward, to the next audition!

Furthermore, I am truly learning the benefits of always being labeled a "crazy person" because it takes a crazy person to be an actor; to put oneself through the sometimes humiliating process yet exhilarating high of auditions and callbacks, the grueling process of rehearsals, character work, tech weekends, all for that glorious, well-earned moment of the final applause at the end of the show.  The satisfaction of a job well done!  Yes, I am a little crazy.  Truly, a fact of my very bona-fide existence.

So, the days ahead for me entitle audition prep, continued work on character for the upcoming show and film, find the day-job that will help pay off bills and debt that will afford me the luxury of saving money, as well as choosing through careful prayer and wisdom from above the place I will eventually land.  And patience, that's the ticket.  Be patient in the "climb!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpTYG_Sqqdg

My next show, The Great American Western, opens June 21st at the Randall Theatre in Medford, Oregon.  I play Carry A. Nation.  See you there!

Love in the Theatre?

When I was 20 years old, a sophomore in college, trying to find myself in the world and understand what it meant to be an actual adult, I had a sexual, almost romantic, relationship (?) with my drama teacher.  I stupidly thought that that was my ticket into the dramatic world and it ended up leading me away from my dreams of the stage and stardom, bringing on an already present propensity to anxiety and depression (the beginning of the Bipolar days, pre-diagnosis). 

Dissappointed with the loss of my passion and hopes, I fell into the belief that it was a childhood fancy and not the true purpose of my existence.  But, a part of me was stifled and felt unfulfilled.  Until two years ago....two years ago I married my once upon a time sweetheart and moved back to the town of my alma-mater where I dreamed of getting my start as an actress....and finally, finally "walked the boards", as they said, and, thus, found the happiness, peace, love, acceptance of self (from self and others) that I always needed and wanted.

Along the way, my confidence in physical self increased.  I no longer care how I look because I know I am attractive.  I also have found healing emotionally from past wounds and continue to find release from these personal demons (both internal and external (see: certain individuals from California) and gained a confidence inside that enhances the outward shine.  And along the way...for whatever reason, his and mine...I watched my "once upon a time sweetheart" slip away, a very fact that I have now become resigned.  And the ol' joke is, my husband lost his wife at the theatre but, alas, the show must go on.  How? Its a mystery...

So, newly divorced, yes, a little cynical, I find some gentlemen in my film and theatre profession turning my head and catching my fancy.  The intrigue is to fall in love in the theatre with someone who also is in love with the theatre, yet am I ready for that? Am I ready for love? Do I believe in "life after love" and all of that? Am I ready to, in fact, as Taylor Swift croons "Begin Again?"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXcWyzx3Tho

Why Community Theatre?

I sit here with a cup of tea, trying to find the words to express the power and signficance community theatre has been in my life.  

My background as an actress has been varied, mostly in short films or plays that friends' have asked me to do, whereas in college, I got pushed away by those I thought could actually help.  But, still the hunger (as presently the rumble in my stomach proves) existed, burned: to create out of the clay that is my body, soul, heart a character, work of art.  I needed something outside of myself to define myself.  Even more than that, I knew not what I truly needed, a family of friends that would encourage me to follow my dreams, my passion, believe in me, stand for me and with me, and thus even moreso shape my identity. 

And, that is what I found in my local community theatre.  While some may call it unprofessional or even go so far as to call it a dump----I don't care!  Because what I am learning in my heart, it is what lies inside that matters beyond the physical or external reality. 

My theatre, the Randall Theatre, proudly expresses itself to be a "No Ego Zone."  What strikes me is that, we, in the human race, for whatever reason have an ego and can never truly walk this world in our skin suits without our pride getting in the way.  But, the meme of the Randall really asks is that one sacrifices their ego for the good of the production and the theatre.  In short, its not about you!

This is hard and I must admit even in myself it is all too frequently a struggle to banish that from myself.  While I agree that it healthy to have confidence in oneself, I see it in myself slipping into that egotistical mind-frame.  And, in truth, I see that as the danger-zone that can greatly diminish the quality of my art as well as those in my cast and the play as a whole.

So, why community theatre?  Not just the intensive training for possible future dreams yet unachieved, not just for the familial atmosphere and lifelong friends, but for the work to destroy in self all aspects of pride and ego--and move onto the greater good of art that uplifts and transforms self and the community.