Here's the thing.

So, here's the thing.  I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. 

Perhaps way back in my long-ago past and youthful imaginings, I sought to hide the imperfect flaws of myself, but to avail.  They always had a unique way of revealing themselves at the most inopportune times, well, when is a good time to reveal one's weaknesses or faults when you are trying to live a life behind the mask?

I am a woman living with a mental health condition.  I have bipolar, anxiety, have struggled with body dysmorphia and anorexia, and a variety of post traumatic stress related to religious trauma and domestic abuse.  This is the truth and who I am. I have shared all of this before and am very open about all of it.  What you see is what you get; I am, when all is said and done, an open book.  If I can help one person with my transparency, one person to find awareness and healing for a better life, I've done a pretty good job at this whole living business.

That said, I have been reflecting upon my not so perfect past and the ways I have behaved mostly with wonderment of where I am today. I would never have believed then that I would overcome that reality and be who I am today.  But, in a very real sense, I realize that those I was interacting with at that time, could very well use this past me against me.  Yes, I have apologized and meant it, done my best to change into a better me.  Becoming that better me became about looking at the root causes, the reasons not excuses for my behavioral choices. 

For starters, I have to give the juicy, not so pretty details of who I was in my past.  I was and am a person prone to violent anger, mostly if I have not had sufficient sleep, rest, proper exercise, or even more, proper diet.  (Before I found out I had Celiac Disease, my emotional reactivity was extreme!)  I have lashed out at others verbally slewing hateful and emotional abuses through face to face interaction and on the telephone, either through voice mail messages, direct communication, or text messages.  I have physically attacked others, aggressively hitting, punching, throwing random items.  I have even visualized myself carrying a loaded weapon into a church intent not on killing but on threatening someone I presumed had wronged me, in my deranged and emotionally shattered brain.  (I didn't do it!)

I say all this, not to scare away the friendships I have acquired recently, but with hopes that they will deepen by seeing my vulnerability and honesty as a gem for the relationship.  I am here to say that you can recover, overcome emotional disabilities and mental health issues, rising above to a place of creativity and truly thrive.  But, its a journey and one that must be faced, minute by minute, with honesty of self and patience as we learn to understand who we are and how to best serve ourselves.  Learning to truly learn ourselves takes time, takes a lot of personal healing to overcome the abuse, both from self and others, we allowed into our existences for so long.

I  have been on this journey.  Through the process, I have meaningfully apologized to those I have wronged, to make amends truthfully for my own peace of mind, not necessarily for the restoration of the friendship.  So, when I say there are reasons why I behaved this way, it is important to distinguish these as not excuses.  I do not claim that my angry tirades were anything but abusive as the majority were directed to those innocent, unknowing, and not understanding.  After my apologies, I have moved onto better myself, wishing these individuals well with their lives.  That's all I can do.

But, as I have progressed in my journey, I have learned that these past behaviors had very discernible reasons, which may or may not be taken as truth by those that I have wronged.  They may want to maintain the reality that I am abusive in my mental illness and not only unable to recover, but full of sin.  That may be, either way, it is their choice to believe and live that way.  But, by stating these reasons, I do not mean to make excuse or take away the weight of the emotional harm I caused.  Its a fact of my past and as I have said I have moved on, continuing to heal, grow, and deepen my healthy self. 

The basic theme behind my lashing out was due to my empath abilities, like a sponge, absorbing all the emotions both positive and negative around  me, and not having an outlet or being able to truly understand the extent of all of it.  As an empath, I would allow myself to be in situations and relationships where I played healer, most often to those that were undeserving, took advantage, and became abusive, manipulative, controlling, all too often discarding me when I no longer served their purposes.  This greatly reduced my self-worth as I grew more and more in the inner belief that that was what I deserved, my ideas of authentic love were skewed by the reality of hate.  I would continue the pattern of involving myself in such relationships, from family, friends, church interactions until 2013, on Oscar Sunday, when I kicked my abusive husband out of my life, saying good bye not only to an long standing deep friendship but also to a type of lifestyle I had always lived. 

As I worked through the pain of heartbreak through the months and years that followed, I learned more and more that my choices had shaped not only my beliefs but my self worth.  Choosing to allow myself to be in toxic relationships and interactions (yes, even the tiny encounters you have with, say, checkers at the supermarket can be influential) shaped my belief of self worth which led to my reactive outbursts.  For me, years of not having a voice, of having my emotions and thoughts devalued, of not being allowed to pursue who I truly am, having to sacrifice my own dreams for those of others decree, led me to react in the ways that had been shown to me throughout all of my life.  Even more so, my empath self reflected outward the hate that was flung so wildly at me, which led to more need to silence and contain me, which led to more discomfort and lashing out on my part.  It was an endless cycle that needed to be broken, and it continues to do so.

So, there you have it.  That's who I was and is a part of me I carry around as a beacon of my own survival, showing me where I have come from and truly the greatness of what I can accomplish.  This past self no longer defines me much as the abusive element does anymore.  But they are all valuable life lessons I carry with me and ones that I am no longer ashamed of, nor feel define who I truly am.  For those that seek to bring these up, it will only be a means of silencing me as I will not cease to speak of the injustices done by those abusers in any regard in my past.  Even more so, I will speak out on these with the sole benefit of helping those that are still in the throes of the torture, yes, even those I targeted due to the abusive element, with the hopes that the abused will find their way out, in whatever fashion that may be. 

Ultimately, I believe life is about pursuing one's ultimate and best self, fully whole, healthy, alive, and with a deep sense of inner peace.

You Can't Pick The Parts You Want!

 In my life currently, I am in a continuous place where the veil between reality and the ethereal is fluttering open, making me all the more aware and present of the truth beyond the visible.  To help explain, last Sunday I had a both painful and profoundly growing experience. 

Currently, I am a part of the first ever Vagina Monologues in Ashland (well, that not of any affiliation with the college).  Its been amazing to be once again apart of such a beautiful production, fourth time is a charm, right? I love to see how the beautiful stories are spoken each time in a dynamic and different form through the different voices sharing the stage alongside me.  The time before I felt a very tight kinship with the cast, one that continues strong to this day.  Sisters for life, to be certain, myself being the big sister in that bunch.

This time around I am not the big sister, more like one of the middle sisters, or something of that fashion.  Its been inspiring to see the words come forth out of multi-generational women, as the years enhance understandings of the truths on the page that bring out deeper meanings and layers.

Okay, back to my most profound and painful experience.  Last Sunday, we had our dress rehearsal.  It was the first time the majority of us were together.  There we were under the lights and hearing the show play out fully, each monologue flowing after the other.  Now, I had mistakenly forgot to call in a prescription (I have since then received it) on Saturday, so the effect of not having the medicine was enhancing my already sensitive soul.  As the monologues tumbled together, the truths my sisters' shared were awash of emotions over me.  By the end, I was felt as an exposed nerve, raw and fragile. 

The girls around me were buzzing with activity and because of my current emotional state I kept fighting the trap of feeling wounded, doing the mental gymnastics of continually reminding myself, its all in my head.  Now, I know truthfully that none were upset, that I was in that raw, emotional place and my sensitivity was not truly known to them or understood.  I do not have any hard feelings towards them, rather my heart is all the more in love with each.  Here's why.

After rehearsal, as I climbed into bed to sleep the night away, allowing my emotionally drained mind a necessary respite, I had a sudden revelation.  Emotions are not scary but necessary lessons to awaken us to deeper truths.  We all have the tendency to flee out of fear when the opportunity of being hurt rises up, for whatever reason, and in that to begin to distrust, devalue, even dislike.  As I lay there in my bed, overwhelmed with feelings, I decided to accept my emotional state and in that to accept not only the girls of whom I share the stage, but all people as they are moment by moment.  For, unless we are known narcissists lacking empathy, no one is perfect, all are capable of positive and negative emotions.  All can love, all can hate.  To truly be in relationship, we have to come together in honesty, accepting all parts of each other.  In reality, "you can't pick the parts you want" (quote from the monologue, Hair). 

I think the beauty of the Vagina Monologues is not only helping individual women find healing, wholeness, and empowerment, but bringing about true healing between the relationships women share.  For my part, my interpersonal relationships with my gender have often been fraught.  Each time I do the Vagina Monologues, my heart softens and not only am I able to forgive myself, the women in the past who have wounded, but open myself a little more to the beauty of authentic female friendship.  In that, I began to rise to the full length of my being.

In the words of the monologue, "The Vagina Monologues", I believe knowing women can be reflected:

"The thing that surprised me the most was all the layers.  Layers inside layers, opening into more layers...It was better than the Grand Canyon, ancient and full of grace.  It had the innocence and freshness of a proper English garden.  It was funny, very funny.  It made me laugh.   It could hide and seek, open and close."

Vagina Monologues

With A Little Help From My Friends

Look Like The Innocent Flower

Once More, We Meet.

Last summer while on set filming, Mind-Sick, I asked the set photographer to snap a shot of the three of us, the two individuals in this photo that will be known only as "Theresa" and "Doctor", respectively.  Later, when the photographer sent it to me, as I took the image in, a realization dawned on  me.

The three of us had danced around each other for years, not truly knowing or spending much time with each other, having a loose connection yet deep within feeling drawn to one another.  Then, in 2016, we happily joined forces to birth our little Doctor Who fan fiction web-series. The years rolled forward and the little series grew into so much more, more faces joining alongside to continue the beautiful tapestry of our creativity into a reality. 

But, its these two that have remained an ever present closeness in the depths of my heart, a kinship and understanding that, despite not always seeing the whites of our eyeballs on the regular, has always been an ever present truth.  Ten years my junior, I watched as they battled against the late twenties struggles, their faces at times a turmoil of reflected inner emotional growth, confused, searching, grasping at some semblance of stability.  I stood present with open arms and an open heart, trying to be patient yet fighting the urge to race over, to rescue, to hold, to promise, "its gonna be okay, you'll survive, I promise, I'm here, little brother, little sister, I'm here."  I couldn't do that, I knew.  They did not want or need that.  I was there, to support, to uplift, to send waves of healing energy and strength as they persevered.  To stand firm in myself, reflecting my journey through the highs and lows of life,  honestly, purely, without fear of reprisal.  And, they persevered.  They made it!  The early thirties rolled around and the struggles on their faces diminished.  Imagine my pleasure as I saw the glow of light and love reflected from within them, finally at peace, safe in their own skin.  Joy, rapture, gratitude!

Studying the photo once again and the others that follow, the truth came flying up into my face, hitting my mind, reaching downwards into my heart.  This isn't our first go around.  Truly, truly, like the song says, its been A Thousand Years.  (Hint: that's a connection to our time-lord selves found in the TimeKeys story.  Watch it on Facebook or YouTube.  Ha, ha, yeah, Theresa, Doctor, I know I'm always marketing.  Didn't we say my gravestone would read, "Watch Timekeys?"  So there.)

Truth be told, I now realize that this is not the first time our souls have met, we three have traveled through this universe in many ages before, most likely centuries, in a variety of different forms and relationships.  (Yes, Theresa, most likely there was a romantic element, perhaps you with Doctor, then happily you and I, so get over it!  We were possibly siblings, maybe.  Lessons learned, connections made, relationships for all of time formed.  Get it?)

 Good.  Let's move on, shall we?

So, here three are, beautiful souls entwined for all eternity, learning together, helping one another heal, conquer the pains of our heart to overcome and be truly free.  Perhaps this is the final time and we'll ascend to the heights above, dancing amongst the stars.  Won't that be grand? Or perhaps we will come back, finding each other in the midst of the chaos of this world, bringing hope, light, healing not only to each other but to others.  Now, that's pretty grand indeed.  Are you down? I am.

Gentle reader, whatever the spiritual practice you profess, I do not mean to convert, condemn, or proselytize you to my way of thinking, to my own spiritual discoveries.  I've had enough of that in my past to suit just nicely.  This is not only to overwhelm my Doctor, my Theresa, with the necessary dosages of love that needs to be bestowed on them on the regular, but for the purpose of sharing my journey deeper within the confines of my own spiritual understandings.  

Since I left the confinement of conservative Christianity nine years ago, I've traveled a bumpy road of confusion of self, spirituality, and the divine as I break free from the manipulations of those abusing their religious power.  I've delved deep into a variety of spiritual texts and practises, gleaning truths from all.  I've come not only to the realization of this truth, the existence of past lives, but more importantly my spirituality is mine alone, mostly to bring my peace, well being, and evolution.  This journey has brought me to the revelation that I no longer need or value a structured organizational religious system to instruct my spiritual understandings, but can find connection through so many varieties, most assuredly my artistic endeavors, for in that I feel the world is brought to a higher vibration of love.  Moreover, I need not attempt to convince, control, condemn, but merely be a witness of the peace within, to share light, healing, love, and acceptance to those brought into my path.  Simply that.

These blessed souls I have introduced in this blog are two that have helped shape my new understandings, have helped bring healing and strength to my soul, sometimes weary itself.  By the very nature of their gentle, loving faithfulness, they have lifted me up and beyond all setbacks.  For that, I stand as a witness for them and with them.  Dear friends, truly I would walk 500 miles.  

And, well, I already did.  So, 500 more?  And, then 500 more? You Got It.  Its done.  

Onwards. 

I Choose Love.

There are always ideas circling through my mind as I prepare to write this weekly blog for you, my readers.  However, I think the most essential idea pressing on me to write is that of the most important necessity for all living creatures.  That of, the four letter L-word, Love.   How fitting that I would write such an entry on the day of love itself, Valentine's Day, the day when Cupid's arrow finds his match, candy hearts are shared, middle school dances become the dream of all romantic 12 year olds with hopeful wishes in their newly hormone-ridden bodies that their crush will finally ask them out. 

So, love.  It is a word seemingly undefinable but purely and completely felt when it arrives.  Yet, love is never far from us, always present, whether we choose to be aware of it at all. 

See, that's the thing.  In a world increasingly falling apart with racism, pollution, the big guy over-powering the little guy, the only real solution is sometimes the last place we often look.  If we are truly to be honest with ourselves, we have to admit that all to often our go-to reaction is to become defensive and retaliate with like-minded slings of abusive arrows in response to those cast at us.  Do we realize that in situations like this there are at least two choices available to us, either to lash out or to love out?

Now, I am in no way suggesting that we allow ourselves to continuously be in the pathway of complete abuse and manipulation.  Coming from a past flooded with a myriad of abusive forms, I highly advocate for escaping and leaving the torturous life-style behind.  All humans have a capacity for emotional changes, from happy feelings of warmth and love, sad feelings, and then those of erupting anger.  Those momentary feeling states do not reflect an overall abusive pattern necessarily.  Being in an abusive relationship, as I know from experience, the anger is an ever-present silent force ready to explode and erupt, nullify and control its victim, at any notice.  This anger can take many forms, that of slews of verbal angry words, the cold silent treatment meant to punish the victim for no such cause, manipulation meant to control and dominate, or even worse, physical abuse.  All leave their own forms of bruises, some visible and others invisible, yet all leave the emotional markings that although freed from the abuser leaves the victim forever scarred.

But, I am not talking about abuse.  I am talking about the moment by moment life occurrences where we are always faced with the opportunity to choose love or to choose hate.  Becoming defensive and retaliating in like fashion is a choice.  Stopping, pulling away, choosing love over hate, is in a sense a moment where we truly stand for ourselves, fully present in mindful awareness. 

And, love is multi-faceted, a woven tapestry of many a color.  In CS Lewis's book, Four Loves, Lewis describes four aspects of love, Agape (Divine Love), Storge (empathy bond), Phileo (Brotherly/friend love), and Eros (Romantic love).  In that, there are many phases one goes through in each of these relational aspects of love.  For infatuation, the early stages of falling for someone, full of its passionate excitement and exhilaration is just as much love as a long-term committed relationship, just as letting go of a lover or a friend, for a variety of reasons, is an aspect of love.  Its all love if done from a pure and honest place.

Just over a week ago, my beautiful Grandma Margaret passed onwards from this world, hopefully to the heaven of which she always professed to believe.  True to fashion, I've been attempting to be still, listen, for guidance from her spirit.  I truly believe that I am surrounded by a cloud of witnesses, spirit guides that have chosen to lead me, give me wise answers and teachings as I journey through life.  These guides I truly believe to be that of my favorite high school teacher, Fernando Nugent, Gilda Radner, Harry Anderson, Evita Peron, Frida Kahlo, Mary Tamm, my Grandpa Walt, and now his wife, my Grandma Margaret.  Along the way, I still feel a kinship to others that have passed on, such as my grandparents on my father's side, but there are certain individuals who have truly joined alongside of me as personal friends across the veil of eternity.

So, what is the message I am receiving from Grandma? Simply this: Always, always choose love. 

So, when I am faced with the darkness of the depravity of an angry, lonely soul and my empath self seeks to flee into the safety of my own protective realm, I choose love, making the active choice to not engage with the negative but embrace the positive, those that are choosing love themselves.  When I am faced with the daily setbacks of life, the financial strain, the driver that cuts me off, not getting called back on an audition...I choose to acquaint myself with love.  I choose to dwell in the state of mind that 'We all have not figured it out quite yet', as Alanis Morrisette croons.  Knowing that we are not all perfect, helps to give perspective in a world vanishing amidst the confusion of too much, too fast, and not enough relational focus on unity and love. 

If we truly want to be the change that infects the world for the better, we need to actively choose to seek out the positive, to choose love and in a sense, be love.

Yes, Grandma, I hear you.  I choose love.

Satisfied

Don't Be A Dick!

I realize that I have only been working at my artistic pursuits, primarily, for 7 years now, but in that time I have watched those that have more experience than me and have gleaned some value on what it truly means to be professional.

In short, what I have learned is, "Don't be a dick!"

The long answer, professionalism does not merely mean getting paid for your art, it goes deeper and further than that.  Those that are professional actors, as it were, Equity and/or SAG qualified, that I am friends with are some of the most honorable, respectable, and ethically minded individuals I have ever met.  They know who they are, the business they have been called to, and they work at it, treating those around them with equal respect regardless of the status level.  These are the ones I strive to be and model myself after in my artistic engagements.  In the creation and business of any artistic pursuits, it takes a village, as it were, so be sure that all feel valued within that village.

In contrast to this, there have been individuals that I have come across and have had to work alongside on various productions of plays and films that do not meet this requirement for true professionalism.  I am thankful for my previous psychology studies as it gives me insight to the inside character of such individuals, in a word, narcissistic personality disorders, and possibly some other personality disorders thrown in the mix as well.

Whew!  As some would say, in the acting world, aren't there a lot such types?

I'd answer clearly and honestly that it depends on who you, the artist, allow into your inner circle.  As artists, we are highly sensitive and emotional souls.  It is what fuels our creativity, the need to birth beauty, rising from the ashes of the pain.  Why then, would we willingly put ourselves in a place with toxic individuals that can hinder that beauty being birthed?

My personal newly discovered belief is that we all have the choice as to who we allow into our lives, into our hearts.  All too often in my past, I have allowed the toxic abusive element to reign supreme, manipulating its way into all the pathways of my soul, until the best of me is silenced, suppressed, and nearly ceases to be.  In recent times, as I have broken free from the chains of torment, releasing myself to choose the positive over the negative, I have been able to be more selective and honest into who I allow close and who I 'hold at arm's length' as it were, or rather, who I 'show the door' and let it hit them on the ass as they depart. 

I have noticed that as I welcome in more of the positive element, agree to receive love as I give, my life moves forward in leaps and bounds, the opposite effect then when I dwell in a place of toxic negativity and abuse from a variety of sources.

What I have discovered is that by choosing where I audition, lean towards in my creative pursuits, and by focusing on the positive element, my career flourishes and moves forward.  Doors are not put up to stop me, even if momentarily, I am re-directed, I always land in a more fruitful place than what I had previously imagined. 

Yes, I have been cast in a play or a film where there are these toxic types working alongside me.  In that instance, I focus on my part, choosing above all to stand for what's right, pure, good, in short, love above hate.  In those past occurrences where I have acted or worked alongside an abuser, my reputation has come through as the exact opposite as the culprit, faithful, hard-working, dedicated, and a true friend. 

How I have behaved in the most difficult situations has enhanced my overall reputation in a more positive, wide-reaching fashion than if I had succumbed to the abusive power.

So, what I have come to believe is that I do not have to sell my soul, to put up with the toxic, in order to get ahead.  In reality, that choice has not ever and will not ever help me to advance in my career, grow as an artist, or become a better human being.  In actuality, allowing myself to fall under the manipulative throes of an abusive individual only leads to their thievery of my time and energy, destroying me for their own gain.  That is not the individual that I care to align myself any longer.

 Professionalism does not merely mean getting paid for your art, it goes deeper and further than that.

Titanium