All of my life I've been a girl, born with the female gender parts, loving societal imposed idea of what it means to be feminine...and yet being ashamed of it.
Growing up, girls and women were looked down upon as incapable, less intelligent, not as strong. Yes, even in the 1980's and 1990s, this was a reality. Thus, even while wearing the dresses, make-up, jewelry, I found myself feeling increasingly uncomfortable as I progressed through life, more and more developing a low self worth and appreciation.
It wasn't until I started meeting my many wonderful transgender friends, looking beyond the manipulations of the conservative church's viewpoints, and seeing these friends as individuals who are seeking to define and live with truth, integrity, and fully themselves. As they came out more and more, I witnessed with joy and wonder their ability to be truly who they are inside. That was a revelation and a moment of reality for myself.
I wasn't being authentic and real with myself. I wasn't allowing myself to be truly 'me', was allowing the forces of the patriarchy to shame and silence me into oblivion.
Then one day, almost by chance, I came across a facebook page of a friend who identified herself as "cis-gender female". At first, I thought this was a means of attacking the transgender individuals, as the conservative christian worldview would label their being only two sexes, because God. Whatever. So, I sought the advice of a good transgender female friend and asked her about this. She helped me immensely by sharing that it was not a smear tactic but a validation of this girl to admit her true self to the world without fear. By calling herself 'cis gender female' this girl was boldly and radically outwardly defining her inward self with pride, in a sense, she was coming out.
To clarify, cis-gender is defined as "denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender corresponds with their birth sex."
Learning about this form of identity was a healing revelation for me. By opening myself to this and beginning to share with the world, I found strength within myself. For the first time in my life, I could dress how I wanted to dress without feeling the strain of being not good enough, smart enough, not capable enough fall upon me. I began to truly live and be myself. On this journey, I began to realize that I am lovable and worthy of love, that I am truly capable, intelligent, funny, and more than just a pretty face. I have worth beyond my looks and yet how I decide to suit up is based solely on my desires and needs, thank you very much.
To this end, I proudly say with the band, No Doubt, I am "Just A Girl.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Wednesday, November 21, 2018
So, like, thanks!
Thanksgiving is my favorite of all the holidays.
Now, don't get your panties in a bunch, you hear me? I am not talking about the historical aspect of the day. I, too, was spoon-fed the heroic story of the pilgrims settling in the land who were rescued by the helpful natives and the union of the two that 'first thanksgiving'. I, too, dressed up like a pilgrim and made paper head-dresses in my early childhood school years. Later, I also learned the truth of what happened moving forward in our country's sordid past, the trail of tears, and all of that.
But, I am not talking about the historical thanksgiving as I have stated above, but the spiritual or metaphorical one. Yes, I love this holiday because most everyone across the country takes a pause to gather with family (or our chosen family) and reflect upon the gifts given to them. Some may take this from a religious manner and others from a mere place of humanistic gratitude. Whatever the root, the act of meditating on thankfulness is the true reason for the season and the motivation for my love of the holiday.
That said, I'd like to take some time to reflect on what I have to be grateful for over this past year, before the hubbub busyness of shopping, cooking, and out of town guests takes over my world.
First, on the gratitude list, the basics. I am grateful for my sexy red Sonic. When I was looking for a new car after the PT Cruiser was thankfully taken from me, I kept visualizing myself driving in a red car. Through my searching, I was led to TC Chevy and there it was. It wasn't my first choice, but it was the right selection. The salesman at TC Chevy, not working on commission, walked me through the purchasing process to best fit my needs and I am grateful for him and for the fact that every month the payments are made and the outstanding debt towards that is slowly, gradually reduced to what is not seemingly insurmountable.
And, for the first time in years of many, I have full coverage health insurance. That in itself is worthy of much jubilation.
I am thankful for my new little, ramshackle, home. The wind blows wildly on our hill, but the view and the acreage, the fact of still in Ashland, just 5 minutes by car outside of town, in the country is a dream I never thought could ever be and yet here I am.
My kitties, Tansy and Leo, who provide hours of enjoyment and affection through their sweetness, sense of humor, and cuteness. And, of course, my boyfriend, Michael, who is truly my biggest supporter and best friend, who understands me truly like no other. Together with our two hilarious kitty cats, we make up a strange and adorable little family. I am truly proud of him in all he does and honored to live and work alongside of him these last 5ish years.
Moving onwards into the second phase of my gratitude list:
I am thankful that now I can work independently, carving out my own schedule and using the resources of financial, relational, spiritual, and others, to make my life be my life and pursue my dreams without looking back. In a very real sense, I am grateful for those crazy years of my early diagnosis, the darkness of the despair, that led me to the choice of disability so that I am the position of working for myself and in that allowing my health to be a driving force in pursuing my art, ambitions, and dreams.
In that, I am thankful that by working for myself and using my resources wisely, money is no longer an enemy working against me but a tool under my say and control. In that, not only are the bills paid in full, mostly, but I see a gradual reduction in debt and an overall sense of peace in my financial circumstances. It is truly a momentary struggle that through diligence and thoughtful perseverance I will overcome and in that there is joy.
It may seem strange to be thankful for a mental health condition and I do not want it to seem like I am boasting that I do not have to work the normal job. I believe I paid my dues in life, first by having the struggles that come from having bipolar disorder, and then by placing myself in multiple different abusive relationships, from romantic to spiritual, sometimes simultaneously, and back again. Through going into the depths of my emotion, both highs and lows, I have been provided with the gift of deep soul searching and self analysis, coming up with a depth of understanding of myself and human nature, as well as compassion.
And, thus we enter the final phase of my gratitude list, at least for now:
I am thankful that in moving towards working for myself, carving out my own schedule, I have had the freedom and the time to focus on myself, who I am spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, as well as career-wise. I've spent time reading through book after book, whether it be the myriad forms of spirituality, career focused books either on how to improve my craft as an actress, how to be the best producer and/or business-woman ever, and, of course, the random 'fun book', a novel and yes, a non-fiction book about the Ketogenic lifestyle. (So, sue me, that's fun for me!) All of these books read a little each morning has given me a sense of renewed focus and calm throughout each day. Through the course of these studies, I have begun to choose my own path when it comes to spirituality, realizing that I do not need to identify or conform to any form of organized religion and that I truly can draw from each to find the quiet within. Focusing in on the aspects of my career has given me a renewed drive to continue forward in my goals and ambitions, to see the fruits of my labor come true one way or another. Lastly, the studies into the Ketogenic lifestyle diet have not only brought health to my physical but has provided such a reduction of my anxiety, mood instability, and reactivity that I never thought possible. (It is primarily that reason alone that I am such a devout activist for the Keto Way!)
And, of course, I am always thankful for each of my loved ones, the ones far away and those close by. Those who have come into my life recently and those who have recently left, whether through life changes or death. (That includes you, Papa Harry!) Each of you have colored my life with such intensity and beauty that enhances every aspect of my life. You help me to enjoy life to the fullest, help me to take myself less seriously, help me to see alternate angles of my otherwise narrow viewpoint, and then help fuel my creativity. Because of your positive influence and love in my life, I have grown stronger, am increasingly becoming more and more free from the effects of the abuse, have been able to choose love and allow it in as well as continuously noticing, then eliminating toxic elements from my life.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Use Your Words
I am committed to writing once a week but this week I had a surge of thoughts that fueled the need for my creativity in the blog-world.
I've been thinking a lot about words and how we use them for our benefit and our detriment. (Funny enough, I'm a writer so this is a good thing.)
Often times, I hear people say "I'll worry about that later" in a casual way referring to a certain act or duty that they can focus on later. But when you think about it, the word that stands out to me is, well, worry. Are you truly going to "worry" about that later? Are you planning to have a major anxiety attack when such and such occurs where you have to finish that task?
That's what I'm saying. The meaning behind worry is that of anxiousness, fretting, despair. We use it in such a casual way without thought. But I think words have power in our psyche and those around us. How about changing that sentence to, "I'll focus on that later". Try it. I have and I have found definitely more peace of mind in my daily activities.
Which brings me to another more important usage of wordings, one that is far more prevalent to my way of being personally and closely attached to a cause I feel strongly about. I have been open about my mental health condition, that of Bipolar 2 and the journey therein. This year I have once again joined forces with my local NAMI chapter, (NAMI-SO), and am an IOOV (In Our Own Voice) presenter, traveling from location to location sharing about my journey through recovery and that of finding myself.
Chances are, you have read or heard me express this statement, "I have Bipolar Type 2". This is significant in that I do not say "I am Bipolar". One wouldn't say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes". An individual is not their diagnosis, mental or physical. My identity lies in who I am and how I choose to define myself. My mental health condition is just one facet of who I am, not the whole picture.
The other key factor I'd like to express in the usage of words is the prevalence in our society today to blatantly misuse the diagnoses of mental health conditions as adjectives. We hear frequently, "I'm being so OCD" or "She is so bipolar", or "its very schizophrenic of me". Its hard to express how very wrong this is to someone without a mental health diagnosis of any variety. How insulting and belittling it can be. But, I will try.
Once again, we do not use the words of physical illnesses in this way. And, yes, I know that physical illnesses do not generally attempt to describe characteristics as mental illnesses do, but the same rules apply as above. For reasons due to stigma, fear, and ignorance, society has separated mental illnesses from other illnesses entirely, even to go so far as to not consider it an actual illness.
Society has come so far. Usages of words that were casually tossed around in my youth and before, such as comments based on sexual orientation, race, have been given the red mark of approval and a person who uses those in a flippant fashion is marked as bigot. But, the wordings around mental illness remains very much alive. Its the last frontier in finding true equality in my mind.
Here's my challenge: when you find yourself about to use a mental health condition, such as the ones listed above or others, stop yourself and think: Can I really imagine what it is like to be a person suffering with such a disorder? Would I want to hear my diagnosis passed around with such disregard if I were a person with such condition? and more so, What if there is someone in my surroundings that has this condition or another who is afraid to come out about it and this would lessen their recovery journey even more?
Questions to ponder. I hope this blog gives you pause to think and that you begin to, in fact, use your words.
I've been thinking a lot about words and how we use them for our benefit and our detriment. (Funny enough, I'm a writer so this is a good thing.)
Often times, I hear people say "I'll worry about that later" in a casual way referring to a certain act or duty that they can focus on later. But when you think about it, the word that stands out to me is, well, worry. Are you truly going to "worry" about that later? Are you planning to have a major anxiety attack when such and such occurs where you have to finish that task?
That's what I'm saying. The meaning behind worry is that of anxiousness, fretting, despair. We use it in such a casual way without thought. But I think words have power in our psyche and those around us. How about changing that sentence to, "I'll focus on that later". Try it. I have and I have found definitely more peace of mind in my daily activities.
Which brings me to another more important usage of wordings, one that is far more prevalent to my way of being personally and closely attached to a cause I feel strongly about. I have been open about my mental health condition, that of Bipolar 2 and the journey therein. This year I have once again joined forces with my local NAMI chapter, (NAMI-SO), and am an IOOV (In Our Own Voice) presenter, traveling from location to location sharing about my journey through recovery and that of finding myself.
Chances are, you have read or heard me express this statement, "I have Bipolar Type 2". This is significant in that I do not say "I am Bipolar". One wouldn't say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes". An individual is not their diagnosis, mental or physical. My identity lies in who I am and how I choose to define myself. My mental health condition is just one facet of who I am, not the whole picture.
The other key factor I'd like to express in the usage of words is the prevalence in our society today to blatantly misuse the diagnoses of mental health conditions as adjectives. We hear frequently, "I'm being so OCD" or "She is so bipolar", or "its very schizophrenic of me". Its hard to express how very wrong this is to someone without a mental health diagnosis of any variety. How insulting and belittling it can be. But, I will try.
Once again, we do not use the words of physical illnesses in this way. And, yes, I know that physical illnesses do not generally attempt to describe characteristics as mental illnesses do, but the same rules apply as above. For reasons due to stigma, fear, and ignorance, society has separated mental illnesses from other illnesses entirely, even to go so far as to not consider it an actual illness.
Society has come so far. Usages of words that were casually tossed around in my youth and before, such as comments based on sexual orientation, race, have been given the red mark of approval and a person who uses those in a flippant fashion is marked as bigot. But, the wordings around mental illness remains very much alive. Its the last frontier in finding true equality in my mind.
Here's my challenge: when you find yourself about to use a mental health condition, such as the ones listed above or others, stop yourself and think: Can I really imagine what it is like to be a person suffering with such a disorder? Would I want to hear my diagnosis passed around with such disregard if I were a person with such condition? and more so, What if there is someone in my surroundings that has this condition or another who is afraid to come out about it and this would lessen their recovery journey even more?
Questions to ponder. I hope this blog gives you pause to think and that you begin to, in fact, use your words.
Tuesday, November 13, 2018
Don't Recover In Isolation
This past year I have had an abundant chance to sit back and ponder myself, to once again dig deep into the depths of my psyche, and uproot some toxic elements in my life internally and then externally.
Over the course of this last week, I have been down for the count with what I thought was the end all be all of flus, but rather turned out to be a really bad head and chest cold. But, why judge and label a physical illness? I was sick, I took to my bed, and slept day in and day out. I stepped back from the outside world to fall deep into the covers and allow my body to shake, shake, shake in the fits of fever until the germs infecting my body were eliminated. And, eliminate they did, through my sweat glances, my nasal passages, even going to the bathroom and expelling #2. (I gifted you just then with a lovely image for your day to ruminate on, don't say I never gave you anything, okay?)
So, I texted my various clients I work for, mostly dog walking, with the words, "I have the flu, I'm dying", minus the latter, and they waived me off with "Get better, see you next week". It was that simple.
But, for some reason, a person stepping back from the world to dig deep into the inner sanctum of their mind, to find healing and refreshment for the soul, is looked down upon as weak. We victimize the mental illness component because it is invisible and thus scary. This reinforces that delightful little social construct called "stigma". Stigma, the word, that forces us all back into the darkness, to hide, and even worse, to buck up and keep moving forward. But, we can't do that. Because one way or another that pain will find itself outwards and we will need to retreat, rest, recuperate.
And, we should NOT feel less of a person because of this. Or be MADE to feel less of a person or devalued because of this. Know yourself enough to value yourself, do what's right for yourself, because when you do, you truly do what is right for the world.
So, this year I have had the chance to retreat while doing my daily activities that bring in the dough or some how cultivate my livelihood. I have not run the rat race or been the busybody of times past or allowed myself to dive too deep into the madness of the social life. In that, I have found a sense of peace in the midst of life's storms and in that peace a steady calm emerges that leads me to accomplish what I need and want to achieve. That's right. Its truly a 'slow and steady' wins the race. Taking the time each day, each moment, of the year to focus both in small ways and large ways on your own mental and emotional health brings a degree of calm that helps to elongate the productivity of the physical. Moreover, there is an inward joy that is present regardless of the outward accomplishments and circumstances. Meanwhile, if I don't get it all done, I still am content with what I did finish for the day and am inwardly motivated to continue thus forward.
I honestly feel that if we want to make the world a better place, the first place to start is not without in angry violent attempts to enforce the values we see as right, but by inwardly cleansing to the very center of our soul. This is truly not a popular choice to make and one that takes a bit of time and sacrifice. For my part, I have taken the time to be by myself. I have read up to twenty books this year, truly read, not for the number count but to digest and let the words cleanse. These books contain three genre at a time, that's right, I'm a book nerd, what of it? The genres include a variety of spiritual (whatever I am led to), a business-related book which can be either some form of acting related theme or something to do with my business, marketing, producing, and a fun book. In addition to this, I have tried my darnedest to journal daily, I've taken up yoga, and am slowly attempting to teach my guitar. Lastly, I have adapted my eating habits to the ketogenic diet and not just as a fad. I have read up to three books on this lifestyle choice and am working through a fourth. I have started another blog to reflect these findings and this journey. Check it out: http://my-keto-me.com (Become a follower, you know you want too!)
In all of this, I have learned that the most important take-away in whatever variety of health-seeking activities is the component of removing the toxic element. Through the discovery of some toxic relationships and connections this year, I have discovered that not only can I stand up for myself, say no with graceful empowerment, but I can survive the anguish of grieving the loss of friendship and the abuse thrown at me. I can persevere and continue forward with my goals and ambitions for my life. Does this removal process get easier? In a sense, yes. I have learned that when the toxicity of individuals is cast my way, it generally has little to do with me. And, so like the school yard chant, the 'words do not stick to me', I'm rubber, they're glue, so to speak.
There is grieving and healing needed, a time of inward reflection to find the grace to continue and grow in further awareness of self. But, I have learned and continue to learn that I cannot allow myself to be held back by the abuses of others' insults, jealousies, methods of control. I spent too much of my past being tied down and silenced by that. More so, it is the realization that I am on the right path when the arrows fly towards me in envious attempts to wound me.
So, I persevere both my ambitions and my mental health needs. And, an amazing discovery happens. When I make the active choice to rid myself of toxicity, the positive rushes in with abundance, both for my personal health and in my relationships. More and more when I move away from the toxic interpersonal element in whatever variety it presents itself, I find myself inwardly growing stronger, more present and aware of myself, and am thus surrounded by the light of positive love around me.
Thus we come to the title of this blog, "Don't Recover In Isolation" for which I am much thankful. Yes, there is a component to recovery that can only be found with self but in that time of self-care there is to be found like-minded individuals who can facilitate the growth. This is why AA groups and such are beneficial. I have come into contact with a variety of different such groups in my recovery walk and in this year specifically. I was reunited with my NAMI family, but this time new faces same organization and I am utterly grateful for their presence. Within these relationships, I find the joy of truly being honest with myself, my weaknesses, and my needs which brings freedom and joy. Over the last few years and even more this year, I have come into close contact with a social media collection of souls through our mutual love of the podcast, "Drunk Ex-Pastors" and through such interaction I have found further healing from the past church abuse. To be honest, I do not think that I would have as much peace with that whole business if it were not for that group. And, by having the strength to eliminate the toxic element in my own business and personal life, I have found like-minded friends, both new and old, that have come alongside to help me achieve my ambitions, goals, and wildest dreams.
Pretty nifty, huh? So then, invest in the time for your own mental health as you would your physical, and moreover, don't recover in isolation.
Over the course of this last week, I have been down for the count with what I thought was the end all be all of flus, but rather turned out to be a really bad head and chest cold. But, why judge and label a physical illness? I was sick, I took to my bed, and slept day in and day out. I stepped back from the outside world to fall deep into the covers and allow my body to shake, shake, shake in the fits of fever until the germs infecting my body were eliminated. And, eliminate they did, through my sweat glances, my nasal passages, even going to the bathroom and expelling #2. (I gifted you just then with a lovely image for your day to ruminate on, don't say I never gave you anything, okay?)
So, I texted my various clients I work for, mostly dog walking, with the words, "I have the flu, I'm dying", minus the latter, and they waived me off with "Get better, see you next week". It was that simple.
But, for some reason, a person stepping back from the world to dig deep into the inner sanctum of their mind, to find healing and refreshment for the soul, is looked down upon as weak. We victimize the mental illness component because it is invisible and thus scary. This reinforces that delightful little social construct called "stigma". Stigma, the word, that forces us all back into the darkness, to hide, and even worse, to buck up and keep moving forward. But, we can't do that. Because one way or another that pain will find itself outwards and we will need to retreat, rest, recuperate.
And, we should NOT feel less of a person because of this. Or be MADE to feel less of a person or devalued because of this. Know yourself enough to value yourself, do what's right for yourself, because when you do, you truly do what is right for the world.
So, this year I have had the chance to retreat while doing my daily activities that bring in the dough or some how cultivate my livelihood. I have not run the rat race or been the busybody of times past or allowed myself to dive too deep into the madness of the social life. In that, I have found a sense of peace in the midst of life's storms and in that peace a steady calm emerges that leads me to accomplish what I need and want to achieve. That's right. Its truly a 'slow and steady' wins the race. Taking the time each day, each moment, of the year to focus both in small ways and large ways on your own mental and emotional health brings a degree of calm that helps to elongate the productivity of the physical. Moreover, there is an inward joy that is present regardless of the outward accomplishments and circumstances. Meanwhile, if I don't get it all done, I still am content with what I did finish for the day and am inwardly motivated to continue thus forward.
I honestly feel that if we want to make the world a better place, the first place to start is not without in angry violent attempts to enforce the values we see as right, but by inwardly cleansing to the very center of our soul. This is truly not a popular choice to make and one that takes a bit of time and sacrifice. For my part, I have taken the time to be by myself. I have read up to twenty books this year, truly read, not for the number count but to digest and let the words cleanse. These books contain three genre at a time, that's right, I'm a book nerd, what of it? The genres include a variety of spiritual (whatever I am led to), a business-related book which can be either some form of acting related theme or something to do with my business, marketing, producing, and a fun book. In addition to this, I have tried my darnedest to journal daily, I've taken up yoga, and am slowly attempting to teach my guitar. Lastly, I have adapted my eating habits to the ketogenic diet and not just as a fad. I have read up to three books on this lifestyle choice and am working through a fourth. I have started another blog to reflect these findings and this journey. Check it out: http://my-keto-me.com (Become a follower, you know you want too!)
In all of this, I have learned that the most important take-away in whatever variety of health-seeking activities is the component of removing the toxic element. Through the discovery of some toxic relationships and connections this year, I have discovered that not only can I stand up for myself, say no with graceful empowerment, but I can survive the anguish of grieving the loss of friendship and the abuse thrown at me. I can persevere and continue forward with my goals and ambitions for my life. Does this removal process get easier? In a sense, yes. I have learned that when the toxicity of individuals is cast my way, it generally has little to do with me. And, so like the school yard chant, the 'words do not stick to me', I'm rubber, they're glue, so to speak.
There is grieving and healing needed, a time of inward reflection to find the grace to continue and grow in further awareness of self. But, I have learned and continue to learn that I cannot allow myself to be held back by the abuses of others' insults, jealousies, methods of control. I spent too much of my past being tied down and silenced by that. More so, it is the realization that I am on the right path when the arrows fly towards me in envious attempts to wound me.
So, I persevere both my ambitions and my mental health needs. And, an amazing discovery happens. When I make the active choice to rid myself of toxicity, the positive rushes in with abundance, both for my personal health and in my relationships. More and more when I move away from the toxic interpersonal element in whatever variety it presents itself, I find myself inwardly growing stronger, more present and aware of myself, and am thus surrounded by the light of positive love around me.
Thus we come to the title of this blog, "Don't Recover In Isolation" for which I am much thankful. Yes, there is a component to recovery that can only be found with self but in that time of self-care there is to be found like-minded individuals who can facilitate the growth. This is why AA groups and such are beneficial. I have come into contact with a variety of different such groups in my recovery walk and in this year specifically. I was reunited with my NAMI family, but this time new faces same organization and I am utterly grateful for their presence. Within these relationships, I find the joy of truly being honest with myself, my weaknesses, and my needs which brings freedom and joy. Over the last few years and even more this year, I have come into close contact with a social media collection of souls through our mutual love of the podcast, "Drunk Ex-Pastors" and through such interaction I have found further healing from the past church abuse. To be honest, I do not think that I would have as much peace with that whole business if it were not for that group. And, by having the strength to eliminate the toxic element in my own business and personal life, I have found like-minded friends, both new and old, that have come alongside to help me achieve my ambitions, goals, and wildest dreams.
Pretty nifty, huh? So then, invest in the time for your own mental health as you would your physical, and moreover, don't recover in isolation.
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