Cafe-Girl: A Novella

Matthew sat on the cafe patio, across from him sat James, staring glumly at the chess game they were engrossed in, however, Matthew was distracted watching the passersby, hoping to see the face of the beautiful Deborah coming down the street. James was distracted because despite Matthew's distraction, he, James, was losing the game. And, not just the chess game, either. The game was nearly at a close, most of James' pieces were lined up on the side of Matthew's side of the board, taken prisoner by Matthew's pieces. James couldn't abide this, so he cautiously moved his queen into position, boldly and hoping that he could execute his plan to remove Matthew's king from the game. This was his one last chance at winning the game.

Matthew looked down at the game and switched his king with his rookie, without much thought. Then stared anxiously down the street, waiting, waiting, waiting for her. James was beside himself with glee, Matthew had done just what he had hoped he would do.

And, suddenly there she was. Only she wasn't walking, she had just pulled her car up to the opposite side of the street and there she was getting out of the car. Matthew's face beamed with anticipation and then he saw, getting out of the opposite side of the car, her friend, Mari. The obsessive Christian girl who wanted nothing more than to simultaneously wed everyone off and baptize them in the name of Jesus into the doctrine of her church. Matthew swallowed hard with the bitterness rising to his throat. Deborah was wonderful, Mari was a bit harder to deal with. Not only was she “high on Jesus” and wanted everyone to know it, but she wasn't very bright either. Matthew had seen her out and about at night, at the dance clubs, drinking and living it up, partying and dancing the night away, seductively moving up to every eligible guy in the room, until one took the bait and went home with her, only to see her piously heading off to church the next day. He sighed, that kind of hypocrisy wore him down and was the one thing that kept him from darkening the doors of the church. Well, one of the things.

Deborah skipped across the street towards him, carrying her purse and a bag of Chinese food in the other hand.

A few minutes before, as they pulled up to the curb, Deborah glanced over at Mari and said, “Shit, that James guy is there.”

“What's wrong with James?” Mari wanted to know. She had not hung out with Deborah and her new boyfriend, and his friends that much and still was in the dark about the whole gang.

“He's just kind of dark, you know, moody or something,” Deborah tried to explain. “Kind of a scary dark boy, is all.”

“Well, all we can do is love on him and hope he sees Jesus in us,” Mari began her good Christian girl agenda.

“Yeah, maybe, possibly,” was all Deborah could say and she opened the car door. Her eyes saw Matthew, beaming at her and she headed towards him, her heart light and her step quickening. A smile spread across her face and suddenly she was nervous too. The Chinese bag of food she had bought for his lunch swung against her leg. Mari followed her across the street and up the stairs of the coffee shop. Deborah swung the bag onto his lap, gently and kissed his cheek chastely. “Some lunch for you, my friend.”

“Thanks,” he said, beaming at her and leaning in for a kiss. She gave one to him and stroked his soft red hair.

“When are you off?” Deborah wanted to know.

“About two hours,” Matthew began. “Been totally a slow day, basically, just James and I right now.”

“Yeah, I see that,” was all Deborah could say as she cautiously eyed James.

“Checkmate,” James said, moving his rookie in front of Matthew's king and not taking his eyes off of Deborah. Deborah shivered and looked back at Matthew, biting her lip.

“Good game,” was all Matthew would say. He reached out and shook James' hand.

“So, I'll see you later then?” Deborah said hopefully, smiling down at Matthew and trying hard not to look at James.

“Yeah, I'll call you,” he smiled. She bent down and kissed him. Then, followed Mari back to her car. Once in, she looked at the steering wheel, hesitating before she started.

“Are they looking at us?” she asked Mari.

“Yeah,” Mari laughed. “Matthew and that other guy are looking at you, I'm looking at them, and you are staring in front of you.”

Deborah turned her head and looked across the street at the coffee shop. There they stood, James and Matthew. Matthew waved a big friendly warm wave at her and James gave a nod. In later years, after time had passed and everything that had happened faded into memory, she would remember this moment, captured forever in her heart, the two of them sitting together in the sun, smiling at her, warmly, lovingly, a serene picture of happiness and acceptance that only true friends offer one another.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyTwC3CbcxU

On The Day I Left Calvary Chapel

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.--- Lao Tzu

It was a Sunday morning like any other in the months of intensive delving deep into the world of all things Christianity and recovery, from Sunday services to bible studies to Christian recovery groups to various self-help groups, my life had been, was, at the time all about getting healthy.  That was my job, in fact, and it was full time.  A few years previous to that fateful Sunday, I had been diagnosed with Bipolar.

That Sunday started like any other Sunday.  I got up for church, with a tinge of anxiety that I had been battling based solely on my recent church history connected to not one but a few Calvary Chapels. Looking it back, it seemed to come from the almost enforced decree that the members come to every service possible, serve in every way possible, give until it hurts, and then maybe feel some sort of acceptance from God, the church, and also had something to do with my finally starting to realize that and feeling the opposition from the church leadership.  Something along the lines of, 'Hey, that girl seems to be thinking too much.'

So, I drove the 45 minute drive to the Calvary Chapel I was attending at the time.  I sat through the worship service, sang the songs, listened to the pastor teach his lesson on whatever book in the bible we were dutifully slogging through, based on his choice, what he thought we should be taught at the time, being hit over the head with the doctrine of not the Bible, not Jesus, but the truth as Calvary Chapel sees it.  I see that now, anyway, then it was any other day.

Except that I was miserable.  And lonely.  And only starting to see it.  In a sea of my church family, I felt lonely, disconnected, as if I didn't really belong, in fact, had never belonged.  

After the service, I walked around and tried to chat with some of the people I had called friends at this specific Calvary for the last two years, tried to make some connection behind the aimless chatter and forced uncomfortable laughter that always left me more wanting, more empty after the encounter.

Finding none, I headed to the church coffee shop, where due to the church not wanting to shell out the money to buy coffee mugs, they had asked us all to bring along our own to have while at church.  I walked straight to the shelf where my mug was, the same I had been given by a friend when I had graduated college, and I picked it up.  I said, not to myself but not really to anyone else, "I just want to take this home for awhile", and stared around, no one had noticed.  No one ever really did, ever really had.

I slowly walked to the back door.

As I made my way towards the exit, I had no clear idea what I was doing, only that it was time to leave, for the day.  Only that I probably wasn't going to enter either the front or the back doors of this church again, but that was buried deep within.  What I really knew through and through, if I had been completely honest with myself, was that I was suddenly and completely no longer comfortable there. That I had been fighting for almost five years through at least three different Calvary Chapels in the area to feel at home, find some friends, feel accepted, comfortable with myself, to discover God and who I was, find forgiveness, healing, a family...and that hadn't happened no matter how I had tried to bend myself to their will and their beliefs.  

I came to the back door and pushed the door open, getting ready to step outside, walk down the alleyway towards the gate that led to the parking lot.  Did I look back at all, hoping that a friend would call out to me, want me to come back? They didn't, I don't think I looked back either.  

I stepped outside.  Clutching my purse and my mug, with my keys at the ready, I made my way towards the back gate.  At the gate, I paused.  I actually paused.  I felt some sort of guilt for just leaving, so much of my freedom to choose had been swallowed up in the church rhetoric and control.  I did have the freedom to choose when I left the church, but I had always come back before.  Deep down, I knew I wasn't coming back anymore, even if I had yet to admit it to myself.

I pushed the gate open and let it slam behind me.

And, then I was outside, truly outside, of Calvary Chapel.

I had no idea what was to come after that.  I didn't know then how angry I was, how angry I would be for years to come, angry that something that had seemed so beautiful, so full of love, was actually so toxic.  That made me sad too.  Very sad too.  I didn't know that I would also be heartbroken for years over the loss of the friends I had lost by leaving.  I didn't know the journey that would come by taking that first step out, not just away from them, but back to myself.  That by leaving that behind I would finally and truly find myself.

I didn't know that after I walked that journey away, toiled through the years of a difficult marriage, healing from the abuse of my life, sorting through it all, that I would find freedom, freedom to love again, to love my Calvary friends who no longer call and that I would forgive them for that, for all of it, to love and reconnect with the family and friends I had pushed away during those years, find the freedom to love myself fully and completely, and find the freedom to truly know and love the Divine, and be loved by the Divine truly in return.  

I didn't know any of that then.  I just knew I had to leave, that it was time.  Then, I just took the first step.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. ---Lao Tzu

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9ayN39xmsI

Cafe-Girl

Eyes slanted, in the corner of the bar, sat James, slanted not just because of the marijuana he had recently smoked but because of his decision to remain discreet as he watched Deborah with overwhelming desire and want, nay, need. The question was, how to steal her affections away from Matthew. The pair of them sat in the opposite corner of the bar. The two drinks that Matthew had purchased, two shots of saki, sat in front of them, mostly unnoticed, on the table before them. Their eyes were caught up in each others, deep in conference with one another over the intricacies of the others' souls. With each moment they grew closer, James grew more distant, more repulsed, and more greedy. His friends around him, namely Ray, Shaggy, and Thomas, seemed not to notice his distant and foul, dark mood. They were too caught up in their own high, their own busyness of their own minds and lives, to pay too much attention to that of James' world. James saw Matthew laugh as Deborah picked up her drink and downed it in one gulp.

“Shit,” Matthew was laughing, in shock at Deborah before him.

“What?” Deborah asked, questions of worry forming in her eyes.

“You aren't supposed to chug it like that, only sip it!” Matthew explained and they both laughed. Then, their eyes met again and Deborah, already feeling the buzz, reached her hand up and stroked his red hair, tucking the longer strands behind his ear.

“Such beautiful hair!” she whispered longingly. The DJ started up a new song and Matthew looked at her, hopefully.

“Want to dance?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” she said. He got up and reached out his hand to her. She took it, rose from her seat, and followed him, past his friends, onto the dance floor where only a few smattering of other dancers were already moving to the beat. James watched her closely as she walked by, and noticed how she seemed to respond to his focused attention, hiding herself slightly on the other side of Matthew, away from James' view.

Matthew and Deborah danced amongst the other dancers, facing each other yet not touching. Out of the crowd, Barbara came bounding toward Matthew. She was dressed in a short, slinky silvery dress and he could tell when she reached him, by the smell on her breath, that she had been drinking. How, he was not sure because she was not yet even twenty-one, not even how she had gotten into this nightclub, but there she was. She pushed herself hard against him, proving what he had known for awhile now, she liked him. She began rubbing herself against him as they danced, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Deborah look down, dismayed, jealous, worried. With that look, he pushed Barbara off of him and moved closer to Deborah. It wasn't just for Deborah that he did that, but he never really liked girls that were that forward, an invasion of space more like. He did notice, however, Deborah's sly smile peering up at him through the hair that had fallen into her face. God, how he wanted to kiss her right then and there.

The song spun itself out and Matthew reached for Deborah's hand. She placed hers in his and he led her from the dance floor, whispering into her ear, “You want to take a walk?”

“Yeah,” she said back. “My car's on the other side of town, you want to walk me there?”

He smiled down at her in affirmation and moved back to their coats, their table, and their sakis. Well, his. Hers was nicely slammed and empty beside his. Deborah said nothing to Matthew at the moment they passed the table with all his friends, nothing about the eyes that bore into her where ever she went, nothing about how it made her feel somehow intrigued and somehow even known. She concentrated mostly on the gleam of his beautiful red hair as it danced among the low lights of the bar, his soft blue eyes when they turned towards her, and the appeal of his luscious lips. Oh, how she wanted to kiss him right then and there.

Matthew finished his saki and then turned to her, holding out her coat and helped her into it. After she had buttoned up, he handed her his purse, then put his coat on as well, after she had taken it.

“All ready?” he smiled down at her alluringly. She nodded. “Just want to stop and say hi and bye to my friends, if that's all right?”

“Sure, sure,” Deborah said, but nervously bit her lip. The friends thing kind of scared her. The rebellious bunch of ragtag crew that hung out at the coffee shop, even always wears a tie was there, and yes, he was wearing a tie, even there. Yeah, he might have just come from work but Deborah thought it was telling that here he was wearing a tie confirming his nickname to be true. Mari who had pointed it out to her a few days ago would laugh if she saw him. Mari, who was safely tucked away in her room, asleep after a festive night at bible study, most likely, scamming the room for a husband.

“Hey everybody,” Matthew was saying to the table. “I want you to meet someone. Everyone, this is Deborah. Deborah, this is everyone.”

“Hi Everyone,” Deborah said with a shy smile and a little giggle. She looked around at their faces, some rugged with the sun's burn from last summer only now receding and leaving the traces of lines in its wake, others pale with the absence of any sun, and all of them with eyes slanted and red. Stoned, she thought, nice.

“Hi, Deborah, I'm Thomas,” Always Wears A Tie was saying as he stuck out his hand.

“See, he does have a name,” teased Matthew. Deborah punched him slightly and said a short “Hi” to Always Wears A...no...Thomas.

“And, this is Shaggy, James, and Ray,” Thomas introduced the rest of them, pointing them out with his free hand, the other holding his mug of beer.

“Hiya,” was Deborah's response.

“So, Deborah, what does Ray remind you of?” Matthew wanted to know. She looked at Ray then, quizzically and cocked her head to one side. “Look carefully, the red nose, reddish hair, beanie atop his head...”

Deborah shook her head, laughing.

“One hint,” whispered Matthew. “Lawn gnome!”

Deborah laughed out loud and exclaimed, “Oh my god, yeah!”

“King of the lawn gnomes,” Ray exclaimed back to her. “They call me!”

She smiled to him, bowed her head in reverence, and said, “Your majesty!”

He grinned at her and raised his beer to her, before taking a huge swig. Deborah felt the eyes of James upon her, boring into her, and a shudder went up her spine. Danger loomed within her when she felt his presence, at once she felt like running away while the other part felt like running towards...him. She moved a few feet away from the table. Matthew looked over at her, questioningly, concerned.

She nodded slightly and he turned to his friends,

“We're going to just take a walk,” he explained. “I'll see you guys around later.”

They nodded their good-byes to both and turned into their beers. Matthew turned and reached out for her hand and the two of them bounced out the door, across the bridge that got them to the sidewalk, and out into the night for their lovers' stroll, their feet instep with each others.

The cold night air felt invigorating to Deborah as they left the stuffiness of the nightclub. She took a deep breath in and held it, as if wanting to hold this moment within her for all times. They began walking.

He took her along the back streets of the town, the town he had raised in and had so many memories. He told her so many stories about each place they came to, the crazy times he had had in each, and each time they stopped, he took a minute to pull her close, catching the scent of her hair as her face lay against his face.

When they finally reached her car, parked outside another coffee shop across town, they stopped and looked at each other, nervous yet wanting.

“Yeah, so,” Deborah sat, biting her lip and staring at her hands twisting together.

“Yeah, so what are you doing tomorrow?”

“I get off work around 3,” Deborah blurted out. Then, blushed shyly and stared at the ground.

“How about a late lunch?” Matthew offered. She looked up into his face, smiled, and then nodded. With that, he pulled her towards him in a passionate hug. Then, slowly they turned their heads to each other and their lips met, at last. His tongue entered her mouth and explored within, hers into his. His hands rubbed down her back and she leaned harder against him. He liked the way she felt so close against him and she was thinking the same. After a few minutes of the kiss, and a few pecks afterward, he walked her over to her car and waited while she unlocked it and got in. She sat and turned to look at him, without warning, he pushed her against the seat and started again. She wrapped her arms around him and embraced him.

“You want a ride home?” she asked, breathless between kisses.

“No, no,” he smiled at her and sat back outside the car. She sat up and put the key in the ignition. He reached up and kissed her again, pushing her head against the back of her seat. Her hand cupped the back of his neck and the other hand ran through his beautiful hair.

“You sure you don't want a ride?” she asked again, with a giggle.

He studied her for a moment with a sheepish grin, then shook his head, “I'm sure.”

He stood up then, and smiling down at her, said, “See you tomorrow,” then closed the door of her car. He turned and walked back down the sidewalk from whence they had come, she started her car, backed up, and then pulled into the silent street, empty of any traffic. What he didn't notice as he walked away from the coffee shop, what she didn't notice as she drove away from the coffee shop, was that directly across in the dark shadows of a tree, in an unlit parking lit, stood James. Watching.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TH_YbBHVF4g