One Final Time

The Shape Of You

Camp ended and the early days of September descended upon the earth, with it came the beginning of another school year. Also, another new beginning for Ruby, a first of so many. With it, came the entrance of Matt, her first kiss, first date, first boyfriend. Hoping to drown out any thought of Les and even that of his relationship with Jess proved unsuccessful to Ruby. He remained an ever constant thought, a memory inspiring love, in her life. Wherever she went, albeit apart from him and with no connection to Crowshaven, she felt him with her, felt a longing for him that could not be described or equaled with anyone else on this earth that she knew.

Matt's allure to her was his ability to be mysterious and set apart from the rest of the world. And, he smoked cigarettes and was the grand old age of 18 years to her 16. This age difference seemed vast and so grown up to her, she who felt a constant need to escape from her life and her surroundings. Also, these facts of Matt's life choices were a obvious deterrent to her father's liking him, thus made him more desirable.

But, three months into their relationship, Matt ran off with her high school chum, Holly, who claimed it just “happened” and Ruby found herself once again, alone, confiding in a carton of Ben & Jerry's Phish food, tearfully watching chick flicks and Wayne's World on repeat with Tera. Secretly, the urge to harm herself, to end it all, began re-emerging with herself. The only solace became her journal and her song writing which began to put forth songs of emotional despondency and longing.

“Where have you gone? My heart is broken, an unending loneliness resides inside,” she wrote and crooned accordingly.

So, many times her hand reached for her portable phone, willing herself to dial the numbers of Les, and then placing the receiver back on its holder. He'd call if he really wanted to, besides he's probably madly in love with Jess and half way to the altar by now.

The voices in her head of depression grew to a fevered pitch and she ran off into the woods with a bottle of Tylenol and water, ready to leave this mortal coil. And, for some odd reason, that was the time that Les decided to call, for the reason of inviting her to his birthday shindig that following weekend. For some reason, she found herself moodily entering her bedroom, despondent that she couldn't even attempt suicide, just as the phone was ringing.

“Hello?” she croaked into the phone, placing her tear stained face against the cool receiver.

“Hi,” the male voice on the other end of the phone began. “Are you okay?”

“Um,” was all she could say and then, “Who is this?”

“Its Trip, I mean, Les, oh you know.”

“Oh, hi,” she gulped. “How are you?”

“I'm doing well, you?” he asked and she breathed a very long, heavy sigh. She found herself able to open up to him then, the only person who had ever really listened and helped her begin again.

“I don't want to live anymore,” was all she could say.

“Did you do anything?”

“I tried to, I want to,” she admitted. He sighed heavily and then said,

“You need to tell your parents and your parents, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, all right,” she agreed.

“And then, call me, okay?” He basically demanded. “And you have to live, I'm having a birthday party this weekend and I want to see you there, no excuses.”

“All right,” she said and despite of the situation she laughed a little.

Then, she found herself in her doctor's office, her parents on either side of her, and her very unapproachable psychiatrist telling her that he was going to “raise her anti-depressants” once more to curb off the suicidal ideation. But, within her heart, she already felt a sense of healing, Les was back somewhat in her life as a comrade in arms, a faithful companion in her fight to live, and that in itself gave her a will to continue, to persevere, that in itself felt right. 

I will follow you into the dark

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My "Fundie" Addiction

Full Definition of ADDICTION

1

:  the quality or state of being addicted <addiction to reading>

2

:  compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly :  persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

I find myself at times what is or would be my addiction.  Relationships? Possibly.  Then, it hit me.  At one point, an addiction for me was my faith, or rather, being a part of the conservative fundamentalist church I attended for a good portion of my younger days.  

Why do I consider this to be an addiction as such? Well, Christianity in its conservative right-minded form appealed to me because of its emphasis on love and inclusion, feeling to be part of a group and thus running from the feeling of unpopularity that had been built in me since middle school.  In so many ways, I desired that sense of family feeling in that community, something I had never truly experienced anywhere else, a sense of belonging and being a part of something outside myself, rather a sense of being known completely by another person or multiples of that.

In the end, I used this religious belief and connection as a drug, in a sense, a way for me to numb out the painful issues that had brought me into the church in the first place.  

As time went on, the drug became more all encompassing.  I couldn't live without it but the more I took it, swallowed the teachings without thinking (or trying not to), I found myself more discontented and alone.  In short, I needed more to drown out the pain inside myself.  

http://www.elementsbehavioralhealth.com/behavioral-process-addictions/can-religion-be-an-addiction/

In the end, I couldn't.

For the more I got involved with the church, the more I began to see the dark side, the negative effects of it in my life.  The more I got involved, thus, I couldn't deny this fact for the more I tried to conform, the less I could.  As those that professed grace and acceptance, the more the opposite was true.

I ran...not knowing why or how.  Just a gut instinct made me run, seeking grace, forgiveness, love from other sources, other churches, friends, even lovers.  Just more stuff to numb the pain until I couldn't run anymore and I faced myself, my ultimate truth, where we all must find ourselves.

Leaving that abusive church behind, I found myself going through what I can only describe as negative withdrawals.  I had left the only community I had really known, what had been my world, what I saw as truth, for 5 years, give or take, of my life.  Although there had been judgment, there had also been love and friendship.  I no longer had those.  I had to look around far and wide to see who was still standing by my side, finding none from those I had "fellowshipped" with.  Not only that, but I began to see that was taught me as "gospel truth" was actually a point of view of those doing the indoctrinating.  What a shock!

Breaking away meant not only leaving the church but forgiving myself and those involved from any wrong-doing and releasing them to their fate, to their own life paths.  In that forgiveness, I found healing and freedom, a new found community of other "refugees", I found love once again for those still part of the church, for those in my life past and present, and mostly for myself, at last.  I no longer tried to hide from myself by numbing myself out, in short, I was no longer afraid of seeing myself.

Life become enjoyable at last, truly living and not hiding.  This I pray and hope for all my friends, involved with fundamentalism and outside that world.  We all deserve to be free, to be fully alive, and fully in love with ourselves. 

We all need to "break away."

BreakAway

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Comedy Divine!

Helen

I am the ballet dancer turned erotic dancer who now resides in Danny's Inferno XXX Girls XXX, or rather a level of hell, some might say.  I happen to rather enjoy my new digs, I have quite the following, have launched quite the metaphoric ship, I might add.  Those that come to see me "fly" are enthralled by me, nourished by my talents, are what keeps me truly alive and gives me a sense of purpose in this place I find myself, both physically and spiritually speaking.

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

Corporal

On earth, I made my living in the sex-trade, mainly the world of BDSM.  But currently, I have taken up a higher position as Corporal in the un-ending war, with the attempt to dominate the enemy and rule all levels of Hell, Purgatory included.

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

Holly Wouldof

My days are spent contemplating what I "would of", even could of been, if only, oh so many, if only.  At present, I work as an actress in film, doing anything to "make it", even here.  Maybe all this will pay off, maybe someday my ship will come in and I will be rescued.  Perhaps that Danny fella I just met might have some leads for me...

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

Madison Avenue

Business is flourishing here in this level of Hell and its all due to my skills in marketing.  Without my expertise, the very economy and welfare (?) of this place would collapse.  I know how to sell anything, "ice to eskimos" as they say, and with my talents every businessman and woman will succeed.  But only with me, and not alone.

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

Scrubs

I am a nurse here in purgatory, endlessly caring for those who hope to ascend to the next level yet who never quite make it.  Endlessly cleaning up all that's left of them, I hope that my actions will be perceived as altruistic so at least I can ascend, even if they never do.

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

Guadalupe 

Behold, the Blessed Virgin I am!  I have come among you to dwell with the faithful and the servants.  I have come to shower my love and be showered love upon in return.  I have come to listen and to speak, if you would only here.  Or rather, I have come to enjoy the garden and, well, if I'm really truthful, the climate suits me too.

Come find more about me and hear my story tonight at the reading of "A Divine Comedy: Like Dante's Only Funnier" written by David C. Hill

https://www.facebook.com/events/706823539417957/

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One Final Time

The next day, Gadget picked them up in the camp bus from their camping site. As they rolled up their sleeping bags and re-packed their backpacks, Jewels noticed Les kept to himself, lost in thought, amidst the laughter and good cheer of the other counselors. Stories we're passed back and forth, inside jokes we're built that years to come would still bring mirth to those involved, and plans for the upcoming rest of the week we're laid out. But, Les worked by himself, pondering his next move. Beside him, albeit silent, Jess packed. Although she did not speak, he could tell from her steely looks that she was not too pleased with him. Perhaps his harmless flirting with the other female counselors hadn't been taken so well by her, or maybe it was the kiss...that kiss so long in coming, it seemed almost forbidden, and now it had happened at last, what was to follow? Les held himself back from looking over at Jewels, but as always could feel her presence inside his heart, something he could not truly understand or had ever experienced.

Gadget greeted them individually as they boarded the bus and pulled away from their site, heading back to Camp Crowshaven. Their day away from work had been a well-appreciated reward but now it was time to return to their duties. The radio played songs they had not heard since leaving their lives back home. Les sat in the back of the bus near the window, Jess sat beside him looking straight ahead. He tried to think of some way to begin some sort of conversation with her, some way to figure out what to do next in this thing called a relationship they had together.

Tera and Jewels sat side by side, heads close together, whispering over the events of the night before.

“So, he kissed you?” mouthed Tera, trying to draw out more information.

“Yeah,” blushed Jewels and ducked her head lower.

“And then?”

“That's all, then Rainbow called us back,” Jewels reported.

“Have you guys talked at all today?” Tera wanted to know.

“No,” Jewels shook her head and then bit her lip, anxiously.

Later, after they had returned to camp and finished the dinner and their campers played away the evening until campfire, Jewels sat on the steps of the dining hall watching the camp before her. Les approached and quietly sat beside her. She said nothing but waited for him, whatever he would say. He got up and stood in front of her.

“Jewels, I've been thinking,” He began cautiously, eyeing her for information.

“Yeah, what is it, Trip?” she said peering up at him, anxiously yet hopefully.

“So, last night,” he began. “What happened between us...its just that...”

“Yeah?” Jewels asked, drawing him out.

“I think...let's just remain friends, okay?” he eyed her, looking her over, wanting more, wanting her to stand up and fight for him, for them. She sighed, looked down at her dirty feet caked with dust, feet that were never clean, then looked back at him and gave her best “that's okay with me” smile.

“Sure thing,” she finally answered. He nodded and leaned over, awkwardly giving her a hug.

Pulling back, he said, “I'll see you around, okay?”

She nodded and off he headed. She bit her lip, fighting back the tears from leaving her eyes, and clasped her hands together. Come on, Ruby, she thought, he's just one guy, it doesn't matter anyway.

Linger

If I Loved You

Breakaway

One Final Time

Days passed and the heart of camp was in full swing that summer. Tera and Ruby, now called Jewels, sat on the rock over-looking the rest of camp, their campers playing together nearby, and surveyed the camp goings-on below. Trip appeared outside the dining hall, walking up to a young first year junior counselor, a young girl named Andrea, and put his arm around her in a long, slow hug. Jewels (or Ruby) glanced over at Tera and raised her eyebrows suggestively. Tera returned the look and then leaned over and whispered in her friend's ear:

“Little flirt, isn't he?”

Jewels nodded and then studied Trip far below. She turned to Tera and whispered back:

“Wonder what Jess thinks of that!”

One of Jewels' campers, a young pre-teen girl of 11, looked up at them and then down the hill towards Trip and Andrea.

“That counselor is with all the girls,” she pointed out. Tera and Jewels looked at each other and nodded, stifling their giggles in agreement. The following day was their first day-off of the summer, when they as Junior Counselors would be able to go into town, do laundry, eat real food and not that of the camp variety, and spend the night in town frolicking about as only youthful teens can. Jewels was not looking forward to watching Trip and Jess flirt with and touch each other in front of her. However, the time spent away from camp, exploring the town with Tera was something to look forward to and would be a welcome and pleasant distraction.

The next day, in the late morning, off the went into town, secured in the small white camp bus powered by the head counselor, Gadget, so named for his likeness to the famous cartoon Inspector. On the bus-ride over, Jewels noticed that whereas Trip and Jess sat side by side, they did not seem as attached to one another as previously mentioned. Trip seemed bored and stared around at the other counselors, picking up bits of conversations and tossing in idle jokes where he could. She also noticed that other female counselors vied for his attention just as eagerly as she herself secretly did. She hid her head back down into her song-journal, her pen wobbling with the rocking of the bus as she allowed the words to flow from her heart to the page.

They rumbled into town and he deposited them in front of the town's only grocery store, instructing them to meet him there at 4:00, before heading back into camp for a few hours' work. Their own head counselor, who ran the junior counselor programmed, sat herself down with her coffee and sandwich and released them to their frolicking about.

Jess hugged Trip and then walked over to join Tera and Jewels on their town adventures. Trip headed off with Geoff to grab a bit to eat together. Jewels noticed that Andrea trailed close behind them and she wondered just what Jess thought of that. For her part, Jess seemed not to notice. 

Later at their campsite for the night, Jewels sat on an abandoned large tree stump over-looking the dry river bed. The clattering voices of her happy friends mingled with the wind behind her. Her journal lay before her on her lap, her pen poised waiting for the muse to breeze through her.

“Standing on a precipice of my life, this journey I am on, I could dwell here, wallowing in the pain of your good-bye, or I could turn towards the love radiating from those who await me with open arms and open hearts,” she wrote and surveyed the words on the page. Someone came up behind her and she turned, not closing the journal. Trip stood by the tree-stump and looked her over. Was she to be a flirtatious interest to him now?

“Can I sit here too?” He asked. She shrugged and he sat beside her, his shoulder barely touching hers. She didn't try to move away and noticed neither did he.

“Are you sure that Jess won't mind this?” She managed to ask.

“Why would she?” He shot out. “I mean, all we are doing is sitting anyway.”

She nodded and looked out towards the dry riverbed, setting the journal on the stump and pulling her knees to the chest. Dusk was fast approaching, she could hear the crackle of the fire behind her and the laughter of the other counselors mingled with it.

“We're kind of on a break anyway,” he announced to no one in particular, to the breeze, the dry river-bed, to his own hands before him on his lap.

“Oh, I see, I mean, okay then,” and then after a moment, she turned her head slightly and looked at him out of the corner of her eye. “You okay with that?”

He looked at her fully in the eyes and was taken in by her honest, frank openness. A swelling warmth filled him just sitting by her and he felt as if he truly knew her without speaking, as he was known. He smiled slightly and nodded, allowing the warmth to overwhelm him.

“Okay then,” she smiled back and they remained looking at each other eye to eye, both wondering, Was this it? Was this the moment I'd been waiting for? Would he finally, does she really? The night was dark now, in full strength of its summer beauty. The crickets played their tiny and tinny violins as the full moon began its ascent into the sky. Trip and Jewels stared up at it, together side by side. Jewels shivered in the coolness of the breeze and Trip, ever so slowly, placed his arm about her shoulders to warm her. She giggled softly.

“Hmm?” he asked, nudging her with his shoulder.

“This reminds me of that one campfire song,” she said, giggling. “Just a boy and a girl in a little canoe, with the moon shining all around.”

“And as he applied his paddle, he said, 'you better kiss me or get out and swim,” Trip continued.

“Just a boy and a girl in a little canoe, with the moon shining all a, the boy swimming all-a, the girl padding all-around,” She ended the song.

He shook his head and said, “That's not how it ends.”

“So, what she gets out and swims?” Jewels asks playfully. He studied her, her face streaked with the dirt of camp similar to his, her hair pulled back in a messy pony tail, her eyes bright with the glow of the moonlight and he thought he had never seen anything so beautiful before. Without thinking, he let the moment overtake him, delaying any sense of second guessing, screwing up all his courage, he leaned over and kissed her lips. She responded by kissing back, letting her lips open slightly, his tongue slipped inside. For a moment, they enjoyed the taste of each other's mouths. Then, he leaned back, yet still close enough to feel her hot breath upon his face.

“That's how it ends,” he smiled.

“Is it now?” Jewels asked, hopefully. Before he could answer, their head counselor, Rainbow, called to them that dinner was ready. He pulled away, stepped down, and she followed him back to the brightness of the glow of camp.

Somewhere Only We Know

A Thanksgiving Blog

Its that holiday again, the first of the season that enters us officially into the holiday season and to winter.  Mixed feelings fill the Facebook walls about this day, those remembering the historical origins of today's event and those giving their dutiful thankful posts.

It all seems a bit mandatory, an act of compulsion that one has to list "What am I thankful", the answers range from the uber-religious to the new age spiritual to the secular.  And, I have to admit I find my heart dwelling a bit on my attitude of gratitude for this season, making a mental note to find that appreciation daily throughout the year.

So, just what am I thankful for, you ask? The answer may surprise you, as it did me.

As I was helping to prepare the Thanksgiving meal with my "family" (or rather those I'm dining with today and yes, I'm thankful for each of them), what struck me is the emotion that has been turning itself over and over again in my heart was that of confusion.  I realized then I could embrace it, I could, in a sense, be thankful for that confusion.  To go one further, I could be thankful for life's disappointments, times of despair and heartbreak, and moments of indecision when one desperately tries to figure out their next step, just wishing there was some way to foresee the future.

How can I be thankful for that?

Well, for starters, I think we all need to come to a place of complete peace with where we are at, gratitude for the present moment, in whatever mental, emotional, even physical state in which we find ourselves.

Secondly, for me personally, this state of emotional confusion tells me something vastly important about the capacity for my heart.  It can forgive; it can remember the love I once gave has always permanently found its home within me, no matter what transpired in that relationship or how time has passed.  It is that focus, the idea that love never dies when once I give it in my heart, where I find my ultimate gratitude.  Moreover, that I have a heart capable of loving many, simultaneously and in many different ways.

So, as I face the decisions of my future and my heart, I can find gratitude in where I am and in knowing that no matter what I have and will always have the one thing this world needs, every human being on this earth deserves; love.

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

One Final Time

July 14^th, 1996

Summer came again, the teenagers once again found themselves gathering together in the cool July morning helping to pack both suitcases, sleeping bags, and campers into the buses ready to whisk them off to Camp Crowshaven for the weeks to follow. This year, Ruby, Les, and Tera, to name a few were not the newbies unaware of how things ran, but were old hats at the bus-packing event.

Ruby dashed around, hugging old friends she hadn't seen in awhile and with that burst of confidence, happily skipped up to Les, guitar on her back, and smiled up at him. He nodded back at her, his eyes glowing. It was good to see her again, her face pretty with a smile lighting it up and he felt a tug on his heart with her standing before him. Something he still did not fully understand in his young years as to why he felt how he felt for her or even if she felt the same. He did notice the wrist bands were gone and the scars had faded considerably.

“Hi, Les,” she said, breathlessly. “Guess what? I've been practicing and writing music!”

“That's hella cool,” he said back and leaned over to give her an awkward hug. Pulling back, he looked her over, a bit hungry for more. “I can't wait to hear all of it.”

Just at that moment, Jess, having gotten the majority of the campers safely loaded, strolled up to them. She squeezed Les's hand and smiled at him, as seductively as she could manage in her young teenage years.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” Les responded and winked at her. She leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Les noticed the crestfallen look of Ruby, her shoulders starting to sag, and secretly wished this wouldn't set her back emotionally. Jess turned and noticed Ruby, unaware of her emotional state, and smiled and winked.

“Hi, Emerald, Diamond, Sapphire, Ruby, Jewels,” she said. “Hey, we should call you that, Jewels!”

“You like that?” Les said, somewhat cautiously. Ruby shrugged in response.

The bus-driver, Bob, looked around at the young counselors in training.

“All-aboard,” he called jokingly. Les and Jess, hand in hand, happily skipped over to the bus to board, as did a few of the others, Geoff and Howard, to name a few.

Geoff bounded up to Les and pounded his back, bellowing, “Hey there, Trip!”

Tera walked up to Ruby and grabbed her hand.

“Come on,” she said softly and began leading Ruby towards the bus. She looked over at her friend and continued with, “I'm sorry, I didn't tell you.”

“You knew?” Ruby asked.

“Yeah,” Tera began. “He told me they were getting together when he went to prom with me.”

“Why didn't you tell me?” Ruby whispered, accusingly.

“I don't know, I guess I was hoping it would fizzle out or something,” was all Tera could manage and they boarded, finding a seat together in the middle of the bus.

In Your Eyes

"Let Me Be Brave!"

Or, Why I Like Clara Oswald

A lot of Whovians out there have expressed strong dislike for Clara Oswald, played by the talented actress, Jenna Coleman.  But, I liked her from the start and when her casting was first announced, I believed this actress was to reach Billie Piper status in Doctor Who history.

Well, due to the majority of Whovians dislike, I don't think she quite made it to that point, for many.  Yet for me, I give her a positive thumbs up in that direction.

Why?

First, as Jenna, she's a talented, well-rounded actress.  But, as Clara, well bear with me, as I give my reasonings.

A lot of viewers found the new-Who series under the guidance of the man, Steven Moffat, to be down-right sexist.  So, in addition to watching the show as a pure fan-girl, I started looking for that element in the writing.  Not only did I not see this, but I saw the opposite.

Women were lifted up, for the first time, in Doctor Who history as never before.

If the doctor or a male companion tried to protect or shield a female character, that woman would deny that and stand up for herself, showing an element of bravery never before seen in previous Doctor Who series.  Yes, I recall the Doctor helping Rose, Martha, and even Donna to achieve their full purpose yet that wasn't without the constant assistance, supervision, and protection by himself as almost a Savior-Complex.

So, what about Clara?

In all her four years traveling with the Doctor, in whatever role whether as Oswin or as a Victorian maidservant, Clara never really succumbed to Doctor-Worship but gave him back what was his due.  Not only that, but on several occasions it was Clara who helped rescue the Doctor or assist him as an equal in whatever the problem was that needed solve.  As an equal, mind you!

In one episode, the Doctor trapped in a shrunken TARDIS has to succumb to Clara for complete control.  As she took the sonic screwdriver and deposited the space-ship in her knapsack, she joyfully commented, "So, I'm the Doctor now?" and then proceeded to orchestrate the 'saving of the day' in true Doctor Who fashion.  Some might complain of this, that the Doctor is becoming less important, more like a goofy clown in the background, but my point remains, its to lift up the women companions as strong and independent and not weak, submissive or needy.

To that I say, Go, Moffat, Go!

In addition to this, Clara kept a strong sense of femininity, both in style and in attitude.  She was a schoolteacher, a care-taker to the young and those in need.  She was compassionate and allowed herself to fall in love with Danny Pink.  Yet she remained clear-headed, intelligent, and strong despite these traits.  In fact, she proved that femininity, including sexuality, was not a lack of feminine power and strength but a part of it.

Clara was a woman and more than that a human being equal to not just the Doctor but to her male counter-parts.  Able to allow herself to be vulnerable emotionally as well as fully capable to show her intelligence and strength, Clara represents the symbol of not only the New-Whovian female companion but of the new feminism.  One of which says that in order to be a feminist, you need not give up your desire to "be a girl", in a sense, "hide your femininity", but that can be used as an asset to the cause.  Therefore, it is possible that the dislike of Coleman's character is an inbuilt dislike of feminism.

Her final words, though full of vulnerability and fear, maintain her determination to stand strong: "Let me be brave!"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPXNvJMiQyc

Deemed the Impossible Girl, Jenna Coleman's character, Clara Oswin Oswald, is proof that future female companions and girls throughout the world can be anything but that.

One Final Time

The music in the gym was pumping, loud yet pleasant. Les danced wildly by Tera's side and with her friends. He felt the approving glances of her closest friends, as their eyes lingered over him flirtatiously. He flirted back but couldn't find himself wanting anymore. His mind kept being drawn back to her, and to Jess as a matter of fact. He knew that he had to make a decision when it came to Jess, no matter what the consequences in his other relationships transpired, and he felt he knew what he had to do. He did his duty, slow-dancing with Tera and she kept her promise to keep it as “just friends” status. The music was loud enough that it kept their dialogue down so that Les could remain lost in thought for the majority of the evening.

As she drove him home, they were fairly quiet as they let the radio play softly in the background. He looked out the window and watched the dark and empty streets stream by quietly. Tera cleared her throat and he glanced over at her.

“So you had fun?” she began.

“Yeah,” he smiled at her. “It was nice hanging out at you.”

She beamed as she studied the road ahead of her before speaking again.

“So, what did you think of my friends?”

“Yeah, they seemed nice,” was all he could say and looked out the window again.

“What about Maggie?” Tera kept fishing.

“Oh, um, she's nice,” was all he would answer. Then, “Why?”

“Oh, she just asked about you, is all.”

“Asked about me?” Les was suddenly curious.

“Like if you were single, you know, and all that,” was Tera's reply. Les was silent, unsure of how to answer, and looked ahead of him out the front window. After a moment of silence, Tera broke it with,

“So are you?”

That question hung in the air loosely between them. Tera quickly spat out,

“Not for me personally, just in general, I don't like you like that, really.”

“No, I know,” Les assured her. “And, I'm kind a sorta not.”

That's all he would give and they lapsed both into the silence, as Patsy Cline crooned “Crazy” on the radio.

“I love this song,” Tera said and reached to turn it up. They both listened in silence, respectively. As it came to a close, Tera asked, “So, who then?”

“Hmm?” was Les's reply.

“Who are you kind a sorta seeing?” Tera wanted to know.

“Oh, um, well, Jess actually,” Les admitted. Tera gasped and then said,

“You mean Jess from camp?”

“Um, yeah,” Les laughed. “She's really pretty cool and I like hanging out with her, only---”

“Only?”

“Nothing,” He was silent as he recalled his and Jess's last encounter and made a mental note to call her in the morning with his ready response to her request. Tera searched her mind for what she should tell Ruby, finally relaxing into her decision about having a “wait and see” on this Les's relationship status with Jess, maybe it would fizzle itself out and Ruby would have her chance, if she would only get over her shyness and admit to her feelings. If only.

Crazy

One Final Time

Tera pulled up to Les' mom's house at about quarter to six, the dance started at nine so they were going to grab dinner beforehand. She got out of her beat-up old toyota pick-up, her dad's old truck, careful to protect her golden heels and sweeping pale pink strapless dress and headed up the walk towards his front door. Les was waiting in the living room and opened the door before she could reach the front. He was hoping to dash out the door quickly but his mom stopped him from doing so with a squeal and a “where's the camera?” She made the two of them stand on the porch and pose in their prom finery before heading out. Tera awkwardly pinned a boutonniere on Les' coat, then they hurriedly scurried down the walk towards her truck.

A few minutes later, they pulled into Olive Garden and after ordering two cokes and pasta, they caught each other up on the latest news.

“You going up to Camp this summer?” Tera wanted to know. Les nodded as he sipped a mouthful of coke. “Me too.”

“When? What week?” Les finally asked, after swallowing.

“I go up July 14^th, the same as last year,” she answered. His eyes smiled largely.

“Me too,” and she smiled back. “So, we'll be up there again this year.”

Tera took a sip of drink and Les did the same. He thought a moment, hesitated, and looked out the window, pondering his next move. Finally he spoke,

“Do you know who else is going?”

Tera shook her head and took another sip of coke. Les hesitated, sucked in air, and then blurted out,

“What about Ruby?”

Tera shrugged, tilted her head to one side, and then said, “Yeah, I think so, the same time.”

She then sipped her drink again. Soda in any fashion was not allowed in her house-hold and so any chance she got to have some was a real treat. She'd pay for it later, when she was up at 3 in the morning.

“Oh, I see,” and Les sipped at his coke as well and he clasped his hands together underneath the table, gripping them with some form of excitement. Maybe this would be the year for them. But, then his eyes flashed back to Jess, who he'd been now talking to on AOL the last week. She was fun to hang around with and not to mention gorgeous. She also was easy to talk to and had a lot of the same interests. Still something drew him close to Ruby, some connection he could not yet really describe. There was something about her that...when she looked at him, she looked into his eyes and saw him, he felt, for who he was. No one else had ever reached him like that, without words.

In her bedroom in a city nearby, Ruby sat on her bed, guitar in her lap, angrily strumming, trying to rid her mind of the image of Tera and Les together. She knew she could never stay mad at Tera, that she had, in a very real sense, given her permission or the okay for this to happen. And, she knew Tera was true to her word in that it was “just as friends”. But, Ruby, ever the worrier, couldn't help let her mind imagine all sorts of scenarios of their night together, how'd they realize their feelings for each other, get together, fall in love, get married, maybe, and on and on it went.

Looking over her Rod McKuen book, she sang out the same words over and over, trying to get the right tune to match the right meaning,

“And so, this song, this song, this song...has no words.”

Later, as Tera maneuvered her car through the streets towards her school, Les sat in the passenger seat looking straight ahead. His mind racked for something to say, but nothing really came. Although with Tera, he liked not having to think of anything to say, but just to sit and be himself. Not trying to have to flirt or earn her approval, not having to choose between her or anyone else. His mind flicked to Jess and he licked his lips, closed his eyes, and Ruby's face flashed before him. He opened them and looked over at Tera, who was adjusting the radio dials. Oldies music flooded the car immersing from the station.

“What the world needs now is love, sweet love,” crooned the singer emotionally.

“That's pretty much the truth,” Tera exclaimed. Les nodded, agreeing with her. But, what kind of love?

As the walked towards her school gym, Les looked around at all the other students, foreign to him, dressed to their nines in their formal gowns and tuxedos, the girls were beautiful and the boys were all gangly skinny arms and pimply faces. Les secretly hoped he looked nothing like this.

Tera cleared her throat as they waited in the bustling line to enter the dance. Les looked at her and she looked down at him, her blue eyes piercing.

“So, I've got a question for you,” she began and he nodded, his head tilted with curiosity. “What do you think of Ruby?”

So, this was it, Les thought. This was the do or die, the tell or be silent. This was the first moment towards making his choice...

“She's pretty cool,” was his reply.

“Oh,” came Tera and they moved up in line.

“She's kind of quiet though,” Les said, trying to keep the conversation going without seeming too eager. “That's all right though. Why do you ask?”

“I just wondered, is all,” came Tera's reply. And, then they were interrupted as some girls came up from behind and called her name. She turned and smiled at the three girls in line behind them and introduced them around to Les as “Maggie, Deborah, and Karen”.   

Dying Inside To Hold You

Monologue from "Light Sensitive" by Jim Geoghan

We Could Be Together

A Whole New World

Monologue from Two Gentlemen of Verona

One Final Time

The phone clamored incessantly. Ruby reached over to her bedside table and felt around for the receiver, her eyes not opening. She picked up the phone and said a groggy hello into the phone.

“Hi,” Tera's voice rang out clear through the receiver. “Did I wake you?”

“Yeah, but its okay,” Ruby said, sitting up and propping her pillows up behind her. “What's up?”

“Well,” began Tera. “I need a date for my school's prom, but there are no guys that I'd like to ask here so...”

“So, what you're asking me?” Ruby laughed into the phone.

Tera laughed in return, then quieted down and said, “No, um, not exactly.”

Ruby swallowed nervously and said, “Well.”

“I was thinking of asking Les, you know, just as a friend,” Tera explained. Ruby swallowed again, trying to hide her jealousy and smiled into the phone.

“All right, good idea,” was all she said.

“You're okay with that?” Tera asked.

“Why wouldn't I be?” Ruby wanted to know, as innocently as she could sound.

“Well, don't you, I mean, don't you kind of like him?”

Ruby thought about how to start this. Tera was her best friend and she couldn't really lie to her but she had no right to Les either. He hadn't exactly been pounding down her door or calling her off the hook. He hadn't really expressed undo interest in her, therefore, she couldn't really stop anyone else from seeking him out. Not that she had really gone after him or expressed interest, as she usually found herself clamming up whenever he was around, palms sweaty, as she anxiously searched for something “cool” and “witty” to say, usually finding none she felt like an outcast even in her small group of friends. Tera was really the only person she felt she could be completely herself with, no judgment or insecurity attached.

“Well, we aren't dating or anything,” was all Ruby said.

“So, you're cool with it, then?” Tera wanted to know, to clarify. “I mean, just as friends, okay?”

“Yeah, of course, hope you two have fun!”

Tera thanked her and Ruby got off the phone. She pulled herself from the bed and padded down the hallway to her bathroom, pulling her hair into a messy bun to wash her face of the nightly grime. She then walked lazily into the kitchen, anti-depressants pressed firmly in her left hand, to retrieve some breakfast. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out the orange juice container. Pouring a glass, she then slipped her pills inside her mouth, swallowed some juice, and felt them dissolve down her throat. She poured a bowl of cereal and walked into the living room. She noticed leaning against the sofa was her guitar, near by on the coffee table lay her journal and her Rod McKuen poetry book. She had been working on transcribing one of his poems into a song the night before. She walked over, picked up the poetry book, and brought it to the table to peruse while she ate. Opening the book casually, the page fell onto the poem, “Three” and as she read it over she felt it couldn't be more appropriate and a melody matching the words started forming in her words. She finished her breakfast and moved to the sofa, with the book. Picking up her guitar and setting the book on her lap before her, she found herself strumming out some chords and sang the words brokenly.

“We were three, my true friend, my new love and me. And none were as happy as we as we walked beside the Mediterranean Sea. Passion grew as passion has a will and want to do and long before the summertime was through they walked beside the oceanside as two. July's done. It fell beneath the knife of August sun and long before the summertime was done I walked beside the oceanside as one.”

Les sat at his dining room table, sipping his morning coffee and listening to the loud cartoons his little brother was playing in the living room adjacent to the table. Lost in thought, he stared ahead of him at the newspaper lying before him, unread. The phone rang and he did not hear it. His little brother, Skip, ran to answer it and brought it towards him.

“Les, its for you,” he said and then continued tauntingly, “its a girl.”

Les took the phone from him, swatting him gently on the back of his head and held the receiver up to his ear.

“Um, hello?” he said, not really alert yet.

“Oh god, did I wake you too?” came the girl's voice on the other end of the phone. “I keep doing that.”

“Um, no, not really, who is this?” Les answered and wanted to know.

“Its Tera,” she explained.

“Oh, hi Tera, how are you?”

“Doing all right, yourself?”

“Good,” he answered.

“So, what are you doing today?” Tera wanted to know.

“I don't know, not much, maybe homework, hang around the house,” he answered, sipping his coffee. He got up from the table, opening the sliding glass door, and stepped outside to escape his brother's cartoons. “You?”

“Um, the same,” Tera began and then said, “So, I was wondering, I mean, my school is having their prom in two weeks and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me...”

Les hesitated, wondering if all the girls from camp were going to start chasing him down, somewhat flattered he might add.

“Just as friends only,” Tera continued.

“Um, yeah, you know, that could be fun,” he answered smiling. He did like Tera as a friend. She was fun to hang out with. Tera gave him the necessary details and they planned to talk more in the next two weeks to discuss further plans. Tera would be driving since she had her license and Les did not yet.

A few towns over, Ruby sat in her living room, still in her pajamas, and sang out,

“Passion grew as passion has a will and want to do and long before the summertime was through they walked beside the oceanside as two.”

Stay (I missed you)

One Final Time

Les lay on his back, Pink Floyd filling his blazed brain as well as his room, Jess lay on the bed beside him, stoned as well. They'd been hanging out fairly regularly since that day they met at the mall and went to Mickey's house. Their schools were fairly close and a bus ride was the shortest distance between their destinations. With eyes mostly closed, Les felt the nearness of her, could feel her soft breathing by his side, and found himself growing excited. She let out a sigh beside him and he turned to face her.

“Um, Jess,” he began, brokenly. “There is something I've been meaning to ask you.”

Jess turned on her side to face him.

“Yes?” she said, her blue eyes getting large and sparkly. “What is it?

“Well, when we were with Mickey that one time, the first time,” he began. “You said something that was, I don't know, kind of weird.”

“Yeah, what?”

“Well, he asked if we were together,” he began. “And, you said that we just got together.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So, I mean, why?” Les wanted to know.

“Well, um, see Mickey always liked me and I really don't, so I just said that to, kind of, get him off my back for awhile,” She said quickly. “That's all...I mean, I didn't mean to offend you or anything.”

“Oh so,” Les started, then stopped, then began again. “So, you didn't mean anything by it?”

“Like what?” Jess said, innocently.

“Like do you like me, you know?”

“As more than a friend?” Jess asked.

“Um, yeah...,” Les trailed off.

“Maybe,” she smiled and turned over on her back, but kept her head turned towards him. “What about you?”

“Maybe,” was all Les could say and he felt the urge increasing inside of him to kiss her. She smiled at him, invitingly. “So, what now?” he began and then Jess leaned over and let her lips touch his barely before pulling away.

“So, maybe that's more than maybe,” she smiled, pulling away. “Maybe I liked you since camp, you know.”

“Wow,” was all Les could say, smiling. Then the phone rang. He didn't move to answer it. It rang three times and Les could hear his mother in the other room answering it. A few minutes passed it seemed, and then they heard her calling for him.

“Les, phone for you!”

Les got up slowly and moved towards the door.

“I'll be right back,” he said, smiling in what he hoped was a seductive fashion at Jess. She nodded in return and rolled over on her side, her eyes closed.

Les padded down the hallway in his socked feet and into the kitchen, where his mother held the portable phone in front of her. He took it from her, hoping not to appear to stoned, in a silent thank you.

“Hello?” he said into the speaker. A tiny girlish voice answered his.

“Um, hi,” was all it said. It took a full minute for Les to register the familiarity of the voice during which time his heart started racing, in excitement as much as confusion. Finally, he said,

“Ruby?”

“Um, yeah,” she began. “I finally called you, sorry its been so long, I've been...busy.”

That was only partially true, Ruby was thinking, mostly she was just too nervous to call him. What if he didn't feel the same?

“Hi,” he smiled into the phone at last but then he remembered Jess and looked towards his room down the long hallway. “Well, how are you?”

“I'm doing fine,” she began. “So...um, you?”

“Yeah, good,” he started, and then moved towards the sliding glass door, opened it, and stepped out into the early spring evening coolness. “Sorry, I'm just really baked right now.”

“Oh, its okay,” she said. “Just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out sometime or...”

“Um, yeah, yeah, I'd like that.”

“So?”

“So?”

“Um, when?” Ruby finally asked.

“Um, you know, I'm kind of busy right now with school and...stuff, so I'll call you, okay?”

“Um, okay, sounds good,” Ruby began and then remembered, “You have my number, right?”

“Yeah, I think so and if not, I'll just call you,” which sounded reasonable to Les but Ruby asked, “Wait, how, what?”

He saw his error and then said, “Um, yeah give it to me.”

He moved back into the warm kitchen and dining room linoleum floored rooms and grabbed a pen and paper.

“Are you ready?” She asked and he gave a “Uh-huh” as the affirmative. “Okay, its 857-9128, you may have to dial 1 first, so...”

“Got it,” Les said and then fell silent. Did he want to get off the phone with her? Could he think of anything more to keep her on the line? His mind raced while he realized Jess was waiting for him, on the bed, for what? Where was that going anyway? Finally he breathed out, “So, I'll call you soon, okay?”

“Sure thing,” she answered. “Bye now.”

They hung up and Les returned the phone to hits holder and walked back into the room. Jess was sitting up on the bed and smiled up at him when he entered.

“So, who was that?” she wanted to know.

“Oh, it was Ruby,” he answered and sat beside her.

“Oh,” was all she said. They were both silent and the Pink Floyd CD changed its song. Jess walked over and turned it down, stared at him for a few minutes with her arms folded.

He looked over at her, not sure what, if anything, was wrong or if he did anything or even what he should do if he had. He waited in what seemed like forever.

“Do you like her?” Jess finally broke the awkwardness. Les looked up at her, confused, because he didn't really know the answer to that.

“How do you mean?” was all he could say.

“Well, do you like her more than friends or...,” Jess began and let her words trail off.

“I don't know,” was all he could answer.

“Well, maybe you need to figure that out,” she said and grabbed her bag and headed out the bedroom door. So, was that it? Should he follow her? Let her go? His stoned brain was reeling with all that had happened, his heart in confusion. He got up and followed her out the front door, to the walkway. She turned and looked him over.

“Just call me, when you get things figured out, okay?” then she turned and headed down the block towards the bus-stop.   

Linger

One Final Time

Arm in arm, Tera and Ruby skipped down the sidewalk, happily enjoying the cool fall sunlight. On the other side of town, Les and Jess walked side by side, not saying much but commenting on the various sights and sounds on the busy city street. A man in a blue sedan pulled out into the intersection just as an older woman with a walker started crossing the street, he stopped and rolled down the window, cussing at her to hurry it along. Les looked at that, with a scowl.

“Is there no decency left in this world?” he finally asked aloud.

Jess was silent for a moment and then said, “Yeah, there is, some.” She touched his chin with a light fist bump and he turned towards her.

“Hey there, you,” she said, smiling as he looked at her. “Cheer up, Trip.”

“I'm trying,” was all he could say.

“Well, maybe if we smoke a little something, that might help,” she offered.

“Really? You have something,” he wanted to know.

“Well, my friend, Mickey, does. He lives up the road from here,” she explained. “If he's home, he'll smoke us out, you in?”

Les nodded and he followed Jess up the block and into a large apartment building. They entered an old rickety elevator and heard the tinny canned music playing as the ascended to the 8^th floor. The doors slid open and Jess led Les down the hall to room 805. She knocked and they heard coughing from within.

The door opened to reveal a scruffy looking grunge kid, around 19 or so, wearing a long grey t-shirt and blue sweatpants, no shoes or socks on his feet but rather long toe nails. He looked Jess over, hungrily and lurched forward towards her. Les caught a whiff the familiar aroma of marijuana exhaling from the apartment.

Jess managed to fend this slovenly creature off with a quick hug and pushed herself past him, nodding to Les to follow, into the messy studio apartment. A doorway led to a bedroom, the room before them was small with a large screen TV, a VCR, and a blue couch with matching armchair. A coffee table sat in the middle of the room, which Les thought must have doubled as a dining room table with old editions of popular car magazines, a few girly magazines, empty bags and wrappers from McDonald's, and a large bong rested on the table. The kitchen behind them looked as if it could be a shrine, more pristine than the rest of the room, Les wondered if it was ever used.

“Hey, Mick, this is my buddy, Les,” Jess said, sitting in the arm chair. Les sat on the couch closest to her, Mick spread himself over the rest of the couch, one foot inches away from Les' leg and the other resting precariously close the bong on the coffee table. His legs wide open with the bagginess of the sweatpants left little to the imagination. Just who was he trying to impress? On top of all that, Mickey appeared, both to look at and to smell, as if he hadn't taken the time to shower in awhile. He belched loudly, then said,

“So, what can I do you for?”

As if he was some sort of person working in a shop and not some dirty stoner living in a crappy studio apartment. Jess answered,

“We were wondering if you had a little bud.”

“Yeah, in fact, I was just about to smoke myself,” he said, and sitting up (to the grateful Les) grabbed the bong. He pulled a bag of weed out of his sweatpants pockets (Les was again grateful for the fire aspect of the smoking) and began loading the bong. “So, how do you guys know each other?”

“Oh, we met at camp,” Jess began.

“Eh, camp?” Mickey said suspiciously, guarding his stash and clutching his bong to his chest.

“Um, yeah, summer camp, remember I told you about it,” Jess explained further. “Not to worry, just camp counselors, is all.”

“Oh, I see,” he shrugged and set the bong and lighter on the table nearest to Jess. “That's different then, care to start?”

She picked it up and lit, sucked in the smoke and the familiar chugging of the water sound filled the room. She handed it to Les once it was clear and he did the same, which led to a fit of coughing. Mickey laughed, rescuing the bong from him and belched again. Mickey had yellow crooked teeth and the smell of the burp filled the room alongside the pot smoke.

Mickey took a hit then set the bong on the table. He blew out the smoke, then leaned back.

“You guys are welcome to more,” he began. “You know I used to go to camp, when I was a kid.”

Les tried to imagine this slovenly hippie as a young impressionable summer camp kid and failed.

“Yeah,” Mickey continued. “Camp Crowshaven, you know, up north.”

“That's our camp,” was all Les could add.

“Really? Wow, small world,” Mickey mused. “Small world, indeed.”

He looked over at Jess and then at Les, taking them in wondrously.

“So, what's your guys story?”

“What do you mean?” Les wanted to know exactly what he meant.

“Are you guys, you know, together?”

“Um,” Les began.

“Yes,” Jess broke in quickly. “Yeah, we just got together.”

“Oh,” Mickey nodded. He leaned back against the couch and propped his legs the way he had in the beginning. Les moved closer to Jess and his side of the couch.

“Um, so what do you do, Mickey?” he tried to sound casual.

“Uh, you know, I'm a student,” Mickey explained. “At the JC.”

“Oh yeah,” Les was shocked.

“Yeah, day off today,” Mickey said. He turned towards the coffee-table, rummaged around with his foot until he discovered the remote control, grabbed it with his toes bringing it towards his body so he could grab it with his hand. “You guys want to watch something or...?”

“Actually, we should get going,” Jess explained, getting off. “My mom's going to be meeting me at the mall soon and...you know, my mom.”

“Yeah, don't I ever?” Mickey said, turning the TV on without looking at Jess.

“Well, thanks for smoking us out,” Jess said, and she motioned for Les to follow her towards the door.

“Anytime,” Mickey said, as the TV blared loudly. Les and Jess barely made it out the door and into the elevator before collapsing into a fit of stoney-mirth laughter.

“What the hell?” gasped Les.

“Sorry,” Jess said between laughing. “He's kind of an old friend of the family.”

“Oh I see,” was all Les could manage. The elevator came to the first floor, the doors slid open, and the quickly crossed through the lobby. Their slanted eyes blinked rapidly in the bright sunlight as they struggled to adjust. Suddenly Les was aware of how high he was.

“Wow,” he began. “That stuff is potent.”

Jess laughed, grabbed his arm, and they turned to head back to the mall. Just at that moment, skipping around the corner came Tera and Ruby, who slammed right into them. Tera fell to the pavement with a soft thud. Jess bent down to her.

“I'm so sorry, are you okay?” she said in her stoned slow speaking voice.

“Yeah,” Tera said, looking up at her and extending her hand for help up. Jess pulled her up and looked over at Tera as she dusted herself up.

“Tera?” Jess exclaimed.

Tera looked up at her and broke into a grin. Next to them Ruby and Les, who had caught her awkwardly in his arms as she ran into him, were surveying each other shyly. Jess looked over at them.

“Oh my god, you too!” She moved to hug Ruby.

“You remember me?” Ruby was shocked.

“Um, yeah you're Emerald, Diamond, Sapphire, Ruby, Jewels, right?” Jess said and she and Les collapsed into laughter. Ruby and Tera looked at each other, confusedly. “I'm so sorry, we are just so high right now.”

“Oh I see,” Tera said, barely hiding her disapproval. She was not into drugs of any sort. Ruby was more open to trying though. She shrugged it off and smiled at Jess, but her eyes dropped when she looked at Les.

“So, um, Ruby,” Les began and she looked at him, slowly.

“Yeah?”

“Um, how have you been?” he wanted to know.

“Good, um, better,” she admitted. She held her book against her chest. “I just bought this book actually. Pretty cool poems, thinking of adapting them into songs.”

“Oh yeah,” he said, impressed and not trying to hide it.

“Yeah, I just started taking guitar lessons,” she began. “My parents bought me one for my birthday.”

“Really? That's cool,” Les was even more impressed. “You should call me sometime, we can play.”

She nodded and found herself blushing.

“You still have my phone number, right?” Les wanted to know, anxiously. Ruby bit her lip, nervously.

“No,” she began at last. “I think I might have lost it.”

“Well,” he started. “You got a piece of paper, I can give it to you again.”

She thought for a moment, felt around in her pocket, and then opened the book to the first page, and offered it to him.

“You can write it here,” she said. He pulled a pen out of his back pocket and scrolled the number across it with the words “Les 'Trip' Daniels” above it. She looked at it and smiled at him. “I'll definitely give you a call, thanks.”

He smiled back at her.

Private Emotion