What 2018 taught me

"Home is where the heart," my character, Romana, from my production company's Doctor Who fan fiction web-series quoted to the Doctor upon re-uniting with him.  Truth be told, this is a long-standing held belief of mine, and no wonder my character said it, I wrote the screenplay. 

However, this year the sentiment has become all the more vivid in the core of my being.  I started this year with the loss of not just a survival job but having a dear friend move away.  A friend whose dogs I had walked, whose house had become a second home dear to me, as I had house-sat there, filmed many a scene there for our modern day Macbeth, Daggers In Men's Smiles.  So, not only was I losing a source of income, but losing a place familiar to my heart and the constant connection of a dear friend. 

Another friend told me about the dog-walking site, Rover.com, and I joined.  Thus, my survival job as a dog-walker/dog sitter grew in leaps and bounds; I have house-sat in many places around the valley this year.   Because of this, I could take you all over the valley, from Ashland to Medford, pointing out various places where I have lived and for a time, a week or more, called home. 

On top of that, my boyfriend and I had to spend a week out of our apartment due to bathroom repairs, thus lived for a bit over a week in a local, lovely, motel called the Manor Inn.  (FYI: the staff was lovely, considerate, kind, and I strongly recommend the place!)  Thus, there is another place I can point to in my travels around town.  '

In April, we were given a no-cause termination notice on our apartment, but were very fortunate enough to move into a lovely three bedroom home outside of Ashland.  Its been a dream come true.

Added to that, there are the places I frequented, the places I once resided, worked at, from years of old that are still homes within my heart.  There have been the frequent travels north, back to Eugene and Portland, where I re-visited the familiar haunts in those places.  Thus, I can truly say that the notion of "home being of the heart", not a mere location, has become an even clearer reality. 

Which leads me to the next lesson of 2018:  Community.  Or as I like to think of it, Common Unity.  In today's world, there appears to be a lack of what is a vital need for our souls.  Thus, if we are not of the religious mindset, we lack a sense of community and without knowing any real place to discover it, to fulfill that need.  What I have discovered this year is that we need to empower ourselves to seek out and design that community for ourselves, looking back at the true meaning of the word, that is, as mentioned above, common unity.  For my part, I have found and reclaimed my own community, common unity, through various means, theatre, film, my own business being able to marry the ideas of work with relationships.  Because, in the end, all of life is just that: relationships.  In these relationships and common unity, I have been able to find the honesty to fully encounter my heart's home, finding peace, strength, and solace within which gives me the bold determination to do the like for my own created community, common unity, relationships.

Lastly, the connection of home within my heart, a state of being, and the true meaning of community has given me the strength to face myself, to stand up to the detrimental effects of hatred and bullying, to those that wish to hinder my way and those of my dearest kindred spirits, and through this empowered new life focus to find the healing release of the wounds of past emotional abuse. 

Through this healing, my own sense of community within the home in my heart has given me a peace that surpasses the external reality of my life, whatever it may be good or bad, with a renewed focus, clearly described and designed, leading me higher and higher into achieving my destiny.

In 2019, I do so hope that not only will I continue to thrive, to heal, to connect more deeply with my center, but I wish the same for you, gentle reader.  Go forth into the world and seek to know, to understand, to truly see and be seen, to connect, and to arrive home within your heart, finally, at peace.

My Heart Your Home

Make Your Own Night Court

"You are making your own Night Court."

This was a message I heard loud and clear while filming scenes for season one of Nate & Laura & How They Met, my production company's original webseries.  A childhood idol, fatherly role model, Harry Anderson, had recently passed, a few days previous.  I was raw from the loss and feeling the empty hole within my heart.  

I felt a closeness with him as never before.  He had always held a vivid connection in my heart.  He was such a magical force, full of energy and love, onscreen.  I was drawn to him, captivated by the warmth of his loving blue eyes, that seemed to penetrate through the TV screen right into my heart, giving me a sense of peace and hope.  As a small, lonely child, I felt as if someone cared for me, as if I had a family, far, far away, living a life I could only dream of and hope to attain.

Through the reality of life, I seemingly forgot about his magic pull, pushed it towards the back of my mind, distracted by the highs and lows of growing up.  But the need for a strong fatherly love and acceptance, as well as the desire to perform, burnt ever inside me and became a driving force throughout my life in what I would allow to captivate me.  Its one of the main reasons I fell hook, line, and sinker for the wiles of the fundamentalist lifestyle.

In 2012, through my own life's journey, I re-entered the theatre world, consequently openly pursued the life of an actor, suddenly realizing my true calling in life.  Nothing would stop me, I had found my home.  

Throughout the years, I would return to Night Court, watching re-runs on DVD with friends.  My heart would fall back to those early years of childhood adoration, respect, admiration for Harry and the cast and I developed a new appreciation for the show as an adult, the acting and writing specifically.  (It was an amazing show that was under appreciated in its time and I say that not as a fan, but as someone who knows their shit when it comes to writing, there I said it. Now go watch it!)

So, on that day on set, when I heard that message, my heart was still raw from the loss and the reality that I had never told him what he meant for me while he was on this plain of existence...but things were starting to change in my heart.  The reality of it was that I was feeling a closeness with him like never before.  I was beginning to see the connections throughout our lives even if we had never known each other.  We had walked similar paths and yet had never known it.  Our souls were linked on a higher level, even if we had never met face to face in this time period.  

Since his passing this year, I have walked through the stages of grief and letting go, learning to appreciate and understand just what he meant for me.  When I heard that line, "You are making your own Night Court", I barely understand what it meant but found it reassuring anyway.  I felt as if it was his voice, coming through to my soul, a strong fatherly presence that would be with me directly moving forward.  No longer would I have to feel the lack and the distance between this person, he was and always would be with me, watching over me.

As the year went on and I worked through my heart-ache, I would find more quotes and hear more messages from him that would strengthen and help me to persevere.  As the months moved on, I found my focus shifting.  No longer did I have this incessant need to keep myself updated on all the latest episodes of whatever TV show was popular and as a self-proclaimed whovian, I still haven't finished the 12th's doctor reign and yet already one season of the 13th doctor has completed.  I found this odd at first and wondered why this was now increasingly my reality.

Then, I suddenly got it.  I am now 'making my own Night Court".  I have moved this year, especially in recent months, more and more to work for myself as far as "survival jobs" so as to have more time to focus on the production company needs and my own creative pursuits, acting and writing mainly.  I solidified my vision in who I am as an artist and what I want to achieve, also what success truly means to be.  All this brought on the realization that those who have made it, found success as actors, writers, artists in any sense, have sacrificed much time and energy in these pursuits, have had drive and focus put into working hard to make their dreams a reality.  

So, in a sense, my focus in 'making my own Night Court' is making my dreams a reality, letting nothing distract from that ambition and letting the small daily goals be the impetus to reach the final outcome.  

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

Presence Nice

When my mother was a little girl, she used to listen to a song at Christmas where one of the singers would say, in a spoken voice, "Presents Nice" over and over again.  It became a catchphrase tossed about my family through all of our Christmas celebrations.  So,that's your explanation about how I came up with the title for this entry.

So, presence.  Presence Nice.  Can you see I'm stalling a bit as I scramble to stream together words to make some sense of coherent thoughts that will inspire and entertain, or perhaps just entertain.  I don't claim to be an enlightened guru.  I just like to write.  Maybe you take something away from it.  Who can tell?

I guess what comes up when I think about that hot button word, presence, is the way my mind works.  Yes, its hot button.  People toss it around in all forms of spiritual circles.  The Presence of God.  Be One With The Presence.  Be Present.  Be In The Now.  And, what I have found through my spiritual seeking is that no matter the spiritual leanings the practitioner, of sorts, will end up enforcing his or her beliefs in a way that comes out as judgmental, controlling, and condemning.  What happens, then, is that we who are on the receiving end of this behavior develop feelings of inadequacy, feelings of shame if we don't measure up.  And, as I said this is the majority of spiritual or religious practises, so no finger pointing at the Christian worldview, no indeed. 

I think in general this may be a facet of human nature, not merely a component of any spiritual belief or practice.  That's right.  As I wrote last week, anything can be a drug and in that the need to enforce said feelings or beliefs merely for our own comfort and peace of mind.  "If everyone behaves in this way, according to my limited understanding and construct, then the world will be right". 

What happens though, is that everyone is thinking this and everyone believes differently, even if they profess to follow the same religious or spiritual doctrine.  With this in mind, no one can satisfy another or fall in line with their own personal decrees, if inwardly everyone has their own description of right and wrong behaviors.  Consequently, no one truly makes a connection, no one listens, and everyone is at odds with one another.

So, there is your presence nice,  huh?

Here's the thing.  All of my life, I have had an extremely active imagination.  I was highly skilled at creative imaginative play as a child.  Parents who would drop off their kids used to tell my mother how much they loved having me over because we, their daughter and I, would just freely play without needing any outside input.  This is because our creativity would join together and provide hours of entertainment.  This sense of creativity has continued into my adulthood and has often been used as a means of escape from the humdrum of every day life. 

In the past, I often felt bad about this and recently have felt myself slip into that self-damnation.  I can dissociate, in a sense, while still having a partial mind in the present reality.  (So, maybe that's not really dissociation, then? Well, humor me.)  I create whole stories and alternate lives for myself and live them truly as I go about my daily activities, only stopping when I have to address certain individuals or circumstances in the real world.  But once that interaction or need has passed, back into the imagination I fall. 

I felt shame about this recently.  Am I missing out on the moment at hand, not fully being present, if I am locked into my imagination? But, then I came to this conclusion.  Allowing my brain to play as it were is a way of keeping it active, allowing the creative juices to flow even in the midst of the daily necessary and not so fun life chores, which allows me to be open, ready, and flexible for the time when I need to be creative, during a film shoot, an audition, during a play, a writing session, or what ever it may be.

The takeaway here for me and perhaps for you is no matter what is going on in your mind and subsequently in your body, just allow it to be.  If you are at peace, than you are present. 

As a character from an original play says, "Live your life and be happy.  No matter what, be that."

Just Breathe

Are you addicted?

In the world according to Google, the definition of addiction is thus: the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

I've been thinking about the nature of addiction, in my life and those around me.  I've been made aware of the disastrous effects addictions to certain substances, such as alcohol, can have on an individual's physical as well as interpersonal lives, numerous times over.  Its both painful to watch and very awe-inspiring when the individual finally admits their weakness and enters recovery.
But addiction isn't just that of a dependency on an illegal substance.  Legal substances can also be an addiction, such as alcohol and for that  matter, coffee and tobacco.  
But, what does it really mean to have an addiction? And, can we have an addiction on anything else besides a substance? Can we be addicted to a TV show, a movie, a certain story, certain concepts we latch onto, a way of being we formulate as the right way, religion, even for that matter, people? Can even love, or rather the idea of it, be an addiction?
So, what does it mean to have an addiction? For my part, I do not claim to have an addictive personality, but I do believe I have had addictions, mainly to relationships of my past.  Illusions of what I desired my life to be, an escape from what I saw as lacking in my current life situations.  I even for a time sought out religious practices as a form of addiction, an escape.
Because I feel that addiction is just that, an escape.  We can surround our addictions, not substance related, with reasonings up the wazoo of why this particular item or focus is beneficial to us and to others.  And, in a sense it is.  Every addiction has its benefits, even tobacco and alcohol can have medicinal purposes.  But the sad fact becomes apparent that in abundance the addiction can become fatal, not to just our physical but also our spiritual or emotional selves.
In the abundance of our addiction, control takes over and we lose ourselves.  We lose the ability to self-analyze ourselves, to truly overcome and find healing for that which led us to the need for the addiction.  When I was attending Calvary Chapel, the draw to join and continue membership became a desire to fit in, to disappear from myself, to find the easy answers for my struggles.  Did it work? No, not entirely.  There were some benefits to that addiction.  I found some friends with whom I have sweet memories, but I still needed to sacrifice that addiction in order to find true healing and freedom from the dangerous despair of my own inflicted pain.  For years, I tried to hide within the confines of organized religion, my drug of choice at the time, to escape from the reality of my own detriment.
Now, I am not saying that religion is bad, nor am I saying that all drugs or devices are bad.  I do have many friends that have spiritual beliefs, likewise friends that partake in certain substances.  But the fact of the matter is, by allowing these aforementioned items into their lives, they are merely enjoying and not escaping.  An addiction appears when something becomes more of a reason to hide than truly allow ourselves to delve into the root of our pain, release, overcome, and find true enlightenment, as such.  But, this can be daunting and thus the addiction, whatever it is, can look more appealing, a comfort.  
So, what's the solution? For my personal life experience, recovery is an ongoing path we all partake.  We all get better with age and grow more fully into ourselves with each experience.  Thus, my path is not your path, nor is  my addictions your addictions, or my issues yours.  I won't try to rescue or save, or steer you away from something I seem detrimental.  I have seen friends fall off the wagon, seen friends make negative choices based on their need to escape, and also seen how my trying to enforce their change proved the opposite.  
So, I focus on doing what's right for myself, even if that is sacrificing a certain relationship or releasing an individual into their own despair.  I know that ultimately focusing on my own health will catapult itself to a better life for myself and those I come across.  
In actuality, that's all any of us can do.   To quote Shakespeare, "To Thine Ownself Be True."

The Reason

Mental Illness Ain't No Excuse!

"I'm sorry, my anxiety is too much for me, I can't make it!"

"But, I need this for my mental health, so I can't make it."

Its been twelve years since I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1, ten years since I found the magnet with the phrase, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail", and said to myself, I'd get better.  And, thus the journey began.

Throughout this journey, its been an adventure full of many highs and many lows.  I have learned how to face and fight against the stigma that comes from misunderstanding mental illness and wanting to keep it in the dark.  I have faced the the judgment of being an openly mentally ill individual, one who is increasingly living well as a person with bipolar disorder.  

I have learned to make healthy choices and set appropriate boundaries to maintain balance, stability, and positive health goals.  I have studied in many different ways and aspects to constantly improve and navigate what it means to be healthy, from therapy of all forms, learning about proper nutrition and exercise, actively promoting sufficient sleep patterns for myself, managing my time to ensure I have proper self-care, and reading ample amount of books on a variety of self-help focus, from spiritual to psychological, it runs the gamut.  

It hasn't always been easy.  I've gone for years where I felt lost, I've allowed toxic people and groups to over-run, control, and silence me.  I've had to experience my voice drowning out in the despair of abuse.  And, then despite these difficulties and the mood instability, I've broken free and grown better.  

I have learned, specifically in this last year, that I have developed, for a myriad of reasons, the ability to doubt and reject the love given to me.  Yes, I am a person that loves freely and gives it abundantly, but I have grown used to in years previous having my love taken for granted, smashed brutally on the rocky terrain of abuse, leaving my soul shattered in a wasteland of tragic depression.

But, I rise.  I get up through some force not fully known to me.  I keep on the focus, knowing I'm meant for more.  I continually study and analyze myself, learning to value and strengthen my self worth and ability to receive love.  

I do all this while not only pursuing my artistic ambitions, or rather, my true calling in life, but also by maintaining the various survival occupations I do in order to live, pay my bills, while waiting the next acting related opportunity or audition.  Do I complain? I try my hardest not to.  In contrary, I have learned to balance my life so as not to spread myself too thin and to communicate openly my needs in an honest, straightforward, non-manipulative fashion.

This has been my life for the last twelve years and will continue to be.  I will grow more and more comfortable and able to thrive, not merely survive, I know this.  Why am I saying this, writing this for all to read? Not to garner sympathy or to endeavor to create a victim mentality for myself, I assure you.  But, because as an actor and now a producer, I have witnessed many, mostly, younger actors expressing the excuse to not come to rehearsal or a film shoot because of their anxiety, they need to take the day off.

Now, I am not meaning to seem like I have a lack of compassion or understanding, because believe me I know all too well the effects of anxiety.  I do know how it feels to work tirelessly at a low paying job while trying to live a happy life, barely scraping by feeling like you are falling more and more into the perilous poverty line, sacrificing your dreams merely to exist.  I know the stress caused by having to go without.  I get it, I do. 

However...

Recall 2007? A very infamous pop star known as Britney Spears had a very public break-down and the word "Bipolar" was carelessly tossed around to describe her.  Whether she has that diagnosis has never publicly been proclaimed but it would appear to be appropriate, however, I will not label her as such.   Only to say that at the time of her emotional struggles, I was in the throes of my intense period of emotional struggle.  It felt as if there was no end in sight.  Despite not ever really being a fan of Britney, I hungrily devoured any information I could find about her at that time.  I felt a kinship with her like never before.  

What was the public reaction to Britney's break at the time?  Was it to come around her and empower her to make the choice to recover and heal? No.  It was mockery, shame, tabloid photos of her in all sorts of unflattering position, resulting in more of her unstable moments.  I feel for her now, I've been there.  Here was a woman, who from a very early age, had been subject to the stress of overwork and constant public exposure, having to maintain the right image while most likely hiding the increasing debilitation of her emotional struggles, until the heartbreak of the loss of her husband caused her the break that made her spiral out of control, until rock bottom occurred.

At the same token, I was finding my way into an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and meeting with friends who like me had mental health conditions, as it were.  At that time, one of the topics we would discuss in our support groups was the stigma surrounding our illnesses in society.  "Mental Illness is an Illness like none other," we'd quote, in our diligence to fight against this debilitating reality.  But, constantly we'd express how when applying for a job, we could never explain long stretches of unemployment, having to give some excuse as "just couldn't find a job" and never "I took some time off to heal from a mental health break".  We could never call in to work because of "anxiety" without the recourse of losing our job or facing the judgment of boss and co-workers alike.  We'd have to happily take very part-time jobs, 2 or 3 hours a day, without explaining why so we could focus the rest of the time on our mental health and self care.  We could only express and be open about our mental health conditions with others who struggled and lived as such.

Knowing this, what are my friends and even Ms. Spears doing in our day to day lives.  Are we using our mental illness as an excuse and a crutch to not fulfill our responsibilities? No, we are merely living our lives day to day, with a quiet determination to pursue our best lives and create our most healthy selves.  We are not bragging or emphasizing our mental health discrepancies, we are simply living well with them.  They are not our identity, merely a part of us. 

Now, I know that some of this is still true today and that, despite advances in acceptance of mental illness, stigma still lives and we still have a fight ahead of us.  Yet, I am very elated by the advancements in the movements to overcome the injustices and biases, such as the Black Lives Movement, #metoo movement, and the semi-colon movement.  All of these have given individuals the ability to openly express themselves, their struggles and insecurities.

In this, I fear that the backlash has been an overuse of the buzz words as an excuse to get out of jail free card.  And, I want to express to these individuals the pathway that got us here and even more-so the detriment that applies when this reasoning is given.  For starters, by using this excuse and not honoring your own needs before committing to a project, you continually perpetuate your own suffering, for if you are always succeeding at the "getting out of jail free card" without any recourse, you won't be able to truly overcome.  Secondly, the stress that is caused when you don't show up for rehearsal, work, or what may be, on the rest of those involved causes a strain on their mental health.  This, then, returns back to you causing your anxiety to increase.  

Please understand now that I truly do empathize and also does society.  But, from what I have learned, the best lesson in life is experience.  Before committing fully to a project, look over your life, your needs and what you can do, examine these times of the past when you have over-committed and had to back out, recall how it made you feel and made others feel, and do the right thing, if you need to, and openly back out.  I promise you that in the long run more respect will be given to you and relationships will remain fully intact.  Not only that, but through this process of self-examination, you will develop a healthier life-style, one of which will enable you to overcome your difficulties and continue to help the fight to reduce the effects of stigma.

The saying goes, honesty is the best policy and its true, in life and in our mental health.  By doing so, we can come together to achieve a better world for ourselves and for future generations.  

The Way I am