Leap of Faith!

Meeting Mr. E!

So, Mr. E finally got back to me and asked to meet, finally.  At Starbucks, near Big Ben. Justin said he'd come with.  Its about I think 11:15 now, supposed to meet at 12:00.   Wanted to arrive a little earlier than Mystery Man.  Justin is here and provided us with a lot of the resources, using his smartphone to record this if needed, and I have a wire under my blouse...I never wear a white blouse, something my mum gave me from her closet, said I would need it for job interviews or some such. Quite ugly, Laura Ingalls Wilder or Jane Austin like, if I must say so. Which I do. Okay, then. There it is.

So, just thought I'd write a little.  Might calm my nerves, a bit.  Been reading Paradise Lost.  Strange, really.  Justin calls it "a real page turner".  But, somehow I understand it.  As if I've lost something like...

Justin's sitting at a table in front of me, so Mr. E will have his back to him or some such.  He says he'd much rather see my reactions on film, such a Steven Spielberg he is! He's actually reading Paradise Lost, well not really, just has the camera hidden behind...

I think I see our mystery man, Mr. E, approaching.

Well, let's to this..

Deep breath, Jane.  

More later...

Lazy Day-Off!

"Hi, y'all. No work today. So, enjoying a luxurious day off, its nearly 11 and still in my pajamas, with second cup of coffee.

Anyway, so no message from our infamous Mr. E as of yet.

Justin is glad, he doesn't feel its safe.  He said if Mr. E does ring again and wants to meet he wants to go with me or check it out first. That's nice of him. He really is a good guy I just wish I could...oh well, don't want to bring that up again. Ha, ha.

What are my plans today? Not sure yet. Watch some tellie, perhaps. Read a little, maybe. No real plans although the house is a mess and I should do some dishes. But, then that's so boring and after working so much.

I don't know really what I am doing with my life, working.  I'm bored, bored with this planet, in general. I want to travel, again. What?

Mum and Dad think I should go to uni. But, what do I prefer to study? I was good in my studies back in the old days.

I also feel like I know everything the teachers teach, felt like I was somehow smarter than them and worlds ahead of the training...why is that? Mum and Dad and even Justin think I'm just being arrogant.

Perhaps, I should just be an actress, could you see me, red-carpet queen in Hollywood? Ha, ha.

I spent sometime in hospital recently. Had a mental breakdown, at least that's what I was told. The doctors gave me these pills, for anxiety. They make me drowsy and then I forget. That's supposed to help. They said these dreams I had were not real, they were hallucinations. But, I looked that up and that's not what these are. These are not something I really actively see that aren't there, these are in my mind, more like flashbacks of something. Doctors gave me a label, 'schizophrenia'. Nice of them, really. Doesn't seem to fit me overall but what right do I have? So, I am supposed to take these pills everyday, not just for anxiety, those aren't everyday, but these pills to help the mood swings and such and to keep the "psychotic episodes" at bay.

But, then I can't remember and then I feel alone because I can't remember him, have no connection to even a memory, even if false, to this mystery man who comes to me in dreams with one word and one word only....

Gallifrey.

What or where is Gallifrey? Does anyone know? Am I really crazy? Or is there a person?

Please, please respond.  I'm desperate.

Be Discreet....

When I spoke to Justin yesterday before work, he told me I should be more careful about what I shared and that furthermore I was getting quite a following, even more so that I never knew who could be watching.

But, that's the point, really.

He said, people might think I'm crazy.

I am crazy.

At least, I feel that way.  And, its what all the doctors say.  That its all in my head, dreams and such. Speaking of which, I had another one again last night.

I was in at the entrance to a tunnel, being pursued by something...or someone.  It was frightening.  Yet, inside the tunnel and on the other side, it was more frightening.  Yet, in a different way.  I heard the man's voice, calling to me from the other side.  Saying my name over and over, but it wasn't this name, Jane, it was something else that in the dream was all too familiar yet now seems so foreign.

I cannot remember entirely what that name was, only that it seemed so comfortable whilst asleep yet now seems so strange, as I said foreign.

The nature of the dream makes me think that I may be in danger.  And, what Justin says makes me wonder...Maybe I should be a little more careful what I reveal about my thoughts and dreams and such. But, my hope is that someone is watching that understands...how crazy I feel and that may be they can help me...somehow.

Talk later.  Peace, y'all.

Mr. E!

Me Jane, You Who?

It occurs to me that in my last entry I didn't properly introduce myself.

My full name is Jane Elizabeth Smyth, pronounced like Smith, but spelled differently.  We spell it right!

Hi y'll, as they say in the states or at least the South!

At present, I live in London, but I spend most of my years growing up in Cardiff...Yuck!  Anyway, I think, at least its where my mum and dad live and there is my room they say is my old room. I have fond memories growing up there but you know, movie scene memories and all that.

I have a boyfriend, Justin. He'll come around from time to time, but you know, he's a student at university from the states. I met him at the shop I work at. He came in looking for a pressie for his mum and then we just hit it off, met for drinks after work. Mum likes him, I think she hears wedding bells, baby carriages, and all that.

Me, I don't know, not really ready to be tied down, you know that, I want to see the universe, no, I'm kidding, well, not really---

 Well, I think that's it for now, till next time.

Peace.

Beware!!!!

Altar-Ego

I had a headache this morning. Another one.

It came after a dream, another one about the place. Don't know where this place is, only this vague suspicion that it is far, far away, a distant land, another planet perhaps.

I don't know why I keep dreaming about this place but somehow I always feel as if its familiar to me, as if I have been there.

But, that's crazy, that's what my doctor says and counselor though I think they are in cahoots--and my mum and dad.

Do you ever feel like you don't belong? Like I look at my baby pictures and something doesn't seem right, you know, I have these memories of my childhood but somehow it seems as if I am watching a movie screen of someone else's life and that I am inhabiting their world, their life, even their body and somehow these dreams, they seem more real to me, more like my life, who I am on the inside, truly and in these dreams I am doing things that I have really done, in a past life perhaps, I mean does this signify anything? What do our dreams mean really?

Do you believe in the existence of other worlds? Like UFOS and all that crap? But, really? That there is more to life and the universe than this puny little globe we call the planet Earth. I may sound mad but, I think, yes, I do believe that.

Missing Home

Why I Friend My Exes' on Facebook!!

Or basically just have them in my life.  No, I don't want to take them back or try to get them to take me back.  For the most part, I'm over that time of my life.  But the fact of the matter remains, their place in my life holds weight and significance, it was, after all, a relationship, even if somewhat flawed.  Yeah, it didn't work out, but that doesn't mean there wasn't love present, indeed there was.

God Bless The Broken Road

This song was one my fundamentalist friends and I would play and replay back in the day, our hearts crooning for the need for love, craving a sense of security that comes from that fullness of the Divine.  As I listen now to the familiar lyrics and music, I sense a deeper meaning than once thought in the pews of the church.  A realization that indeed these former romances are the guideposts that, however crushing at the time, brought me to that sense of security, love, and completion I sought after so desperately.  That love I speak of is what I call the divine within, or rather, my self.  It has come to my full understanding that I am my truest and most faithful love. 

This is such a vital discovery and necessary in every aspect of my life.  No longer will I expect or accept the abuse of those undeserving or the acceptable norms of the status quo.  I'll go beyond and truly love me for all that I am deserving of, surrounding myself thus with those that have that equal appreciation for me as well as themselves.  For we are our truest loves, finding this we find the answer to all the questions we seek, finally at last a peace and sense of life purpose.  

We know we matter and have worth.  That is something that "can't be taken away from us".

For this reason, after the crushing blow of rejection, the hard good-byes, and the fallen tears, I welcome my exes back into my life with open arms, grateful always for their purpose and influence in my life.  For, truly I do not want that "taken away from me."

They Can't Take That Away From Me, sung by me for my exes

Gluten-free and Purple Monkeys

Okay, I know, funny title!

Well, my body feels a lot more functional this morning.  A few weeks ago, I went to the doctor for another matter, and asked to take a blood test for celiac's disease, and found out on Thursday that it tested positive.  Yes, I have celiac's disease.  This is a fact that I have had suspicion over for at least the past 10 months or so, maybe longer.  And, it just makes a whole lot of sense now.

For starters, the borderline diagnosis.  As I really dug deep into myself and mined the depths of God's wonders, I started to really understand myself and really see that the one reason that I was diagnosed with the BPD was the anger, and yes, the supposed rotten manipulation.  And, really, when I looked at the thought process behind the manipulation, there wasn't anything really vindictive about it, like a borderline would.  (And, I want to be clear that I have no ill-will towards borderline but an amazing heart towards them, for I carried that diagnosis for at least a year and dealt with the amazing amount of stigma attached to it, not fun!).  So, I could eliminate that part of it right away.  But, what about the anger?  Well, from studies of myself and of the symptoms of Bipolar, I learned that bipolars also have an intense amount of anger so really that's part of the new mindset as well.  And, then once I started learning to love myself and appreciate my body for what it was, instead of having a fear of weight gain, and started learning about nutrition and whatnot, the anger started to dissipate.  Then, about that time, my therapist and I did an analysis of my symptoms, we found that I didn't really have this condition.  A relief, I thought I was cured.  But, those in the psychiatric field disagreed and thought if there was no symptoms, then I must have never had it.  And, after careful consideration and learning about my physical condition and effects of "poor diet", I came to realize this.  I believe now that the anger stemmed from the gluten, because really when I eat foods this week, as I unknowingly did this week, my, perhaps, blood pressure rises and I struggle with all these anger thoughts.  So, now truly, I was never a borderline.  Yay!

Another thing, close to this, that I have been thinking about, something I have been pondering.  I finished the book of Romans this week and found this verse fascinating.  (Now, first I must explain that I have always learned that the heart is wicked and the root of sin.)  But, what I have really come to believe over these last few years is that the mind is the center of the universe, in a sense, and controls the heart.  And, even our physicality (okay, our flesh, our skin suits, our bodies) are a possible cause of evil.  And, really, it does say in the Bible that its what goes out, not what goes in, okay, but follow me here: The world is evil.  The forces of good and evil wrestle in us and around us, so in this society, has what we have learned to put into our bodies caused this root of craziness?  Have we been forced into insanity?

Regeneration: A New Heart

He's coming back....soon!  On August 25th, to be exact!

We Cousins 7

Not just our moms and dads bade us welcome into this world,
But the loving arms of Mimi and Grandpa,
Who with joy beheld the small delight of our tiny bodies,

First CJ, then Andy, Emily, Don, Jenny, Barrett, then lastly I
Down shadowy drives with leafy drives we raced our bikes,
Played hide and go seek, chased fireflies, caught snowballs

Whilst our Mimi's voice warbled with sweet melody,
Grandpa laughed in the telling of old jokes and yesteryear memory
Read us bed-time stories and kissed us fondly good-night

Mother, Father, Aunt, Uncle drank manhattans,
Laughed the night away, playing cards
Building new memories upon the old

All too soon our feet led us off to college,
The doors of university opening wide our path to adulthood
Later, the rising cap made way for wedding bells

We were grown-up now, or so they say,
Little feet ran down our hallways,
Children come forth from us,

New cousins to race down leafy drives,
Play hide and go seek, chase fireflies,
Listen to grandpa's stories, Mimi's singsong voice

Lastly, we cousins 7 made the assent into the chapel
To sing the songs and say our prayers,
The final good-bye of the grandparents we loved so dear.

you told me, they told me

you told me i would find love, but i felt lost
you told me i would find acceptance, but i felt judgment
you told me i would find family, but i felt alone

you told me i could think for myself, but i couldn't
you told me i could leave at any time, but i was trapped
you didn't tell me to drink the kool-aid, but you did

you told me that the world had ended, but it hasn't
you told me out there i would find no love, but i have
you told me out there would be no peace, but there is

you told me that i wouldn't find freedom, but i did
you told me that you would always be there, but you left
you told me that you would accept me no matter what, but you didn't

they warned me that it was a cult, but i couldn't hear
they loved me & didn't force me to leave, but i did
they told me they would accept me no matter what, and they did