Monday, January 29, 2024

Emilie Louise Kloge #clothingdesigner #model #artist #gustavklimt


Emilie Louise Floge, born August 30, 1874 and died May 26, 1952. Although she is known as the muse, model, and lover of Gustav Klimt, she was so much more than that. An accomplished clothing designer and even opened her own shop, Schwestern Floge, with her two sisters, Pauline and Helene, in 1906. Three business woman owning and operating their own business was unheard of and ahead of its time. Not as well known as Coco Chanel, although she was a contemporary and just as forward thinking, her style is described as "Reformkleid" or "rational dress movement", generous cuts and wide sleeves flowing over the female form, no matter the shape or size.

To Klimt, Emilie, as all of his models, she was a muse but also her own self-possessed being. Beyond acting as his model for much of his paintings, most famously The Kiss,

they collaborated together on many projects & maintained an active romance. It is said that his last words were "Get Emilie".

If you want to learn more about Emilie or other historical facts on life models, check out my course, "How To Be A Life Model" on my website: "cafegirlproductionsinc.com"

Friday, January 26, 2024

Home Is Of Ashland, Oregon #homeisoftheheart #homesicknomore

 



It's only recently that I have felt truly comfortable 'within my own skin' enhancing the empowering sense of finally being home without.  For the majority of my life, of which reasoning I now see to be trauma related, I have felt lost, swimming frantically searching for, a life boat, a stretch of land of peace and stability, endlessly seeking approval never fully granted.  The real meaning of the word 'homesick' a part of my inner being lifelong. 

During the time of which I speak
It was hard to turn the other cheek
To the blows of insecurity

However, the antidote to that, has been a long journey of discovery and recovery starting in late 2006 with the diagnosis of Bipolar.  For this catapulted me into the various formats of therapy, support groups, and psychological testing, that led me deeper within than I had ever imagined or wanted to travel.  Scary to begin with, but as I continued thus, the terrain became a little less treacherous, even in times of painful struggle, the overcoming seemed less insurmountable.  With each hurdle, each secret unraveled, each victory proclaimed, a calmness overtook me, I found at once a peace bubbling upwards over inside of  me.  I was coming home within again and again.


Oh, how I wish I were a trinity
So if I lost a part of me
I'd still have two of the same to live
But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal
As specks of dust, we're universal

Yet, with all this continued soul-searching and discovery, I still felt an inner restless, seeking outward with hopeful dreams that perhaps I shall attain, an almost FOMO for what I do not have, all the while the inner fantasy of what could have been an ever distant impossibility.  What these fantasies afforded me, specifically that of the childhood idealization of Night Court and Harry Anderson, was the dream of that which I always deserved, unconditional love, encouragement, and support for my entire self as I am.  That fantasy impossible to become real left a bit of my inner self still broken, still lonely. 

But despite this empty broken-heart within, the journey of recovery still continued, this restlessness always lead me to never to give in, give up.  Along the way, these travels inner and outer coincided with my residing in Ashland, Oregon.  Try as I might to kindle some attachment or connection to another place permanently, Ashland continued to have her hold upon me.  No matter the changes that transform this city for the positive or negative, it's the inner work within myself that is enhanced by living in such a beautiful, transcendence of a place.  Since my first arrival in Ashland at the tender age of 15, dragged here one spring break by my parents, when I instantly fell in love, I knew, then, transferring into Southern Oregon University at the age of 21 because I knew, despite all the hardship therein and that to come, the different phases of my life, from Miss, to Mrs, to Ms, student, teacher, wife, actor, model, entrepreneur, the one constant of this journey has been the loving embrace of this beautiful city, Mother Ashland.  



As I walk her streets now, I am filled with the memory of others history alongside, as well as my own, the different parts of me healed by my strength upon strength, I embrace each and all, vividly with each moment, alive with the fullness of real love of self, finally and continually home within.  Truly, truly, Home is of the heart, Home is of Ashland, Oregon.

Though it's stormy now I feel safe within the arms
Of love's discovery



Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 89: How This #NastyWoman Healed Her He...


In this episode, I share a prose about heart-break and loss over a guy, a good ending to the despair & trigger warnings of the past journal, which leads to my discussion on my life-long evolution of healing, the how & the why. A bible verse or reference sneaks in there, but it's not what you think! (I'm not a Fundie anymore & not trying to 'save' you!) Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Thursday, January 18, 2024

Sharing Is Caring #recovery #authentichealing #healingtothriving


I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath 
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
 So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I am a strange one.  Perhaps its the long unfolding journey of recovery I have been on since 2006 when diagnosed with Bipolar, wherein the years unfolding I found myself in a myriad of support group and therapy sessions and found the healing value of authentic sharing.  Truly, Sharing is Caring! Since then, I have never ceased to find value in true, meaningful, and lasting connection with others who have walked a path of tumult similar to mine.  From NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support groups, to reaching out to my ex-husband's other ex-wife whom I had never met when I was traveling the difficult process of separating, filing a restraining order, from him, to creating a variety of Facebook groups around 'religious trauma, emotional abuse, mental illness, women growing older, to finding value in re-connecting with old friends leaving the church I was in, I have discovered that this is not necessarily the course of action that others follow.

Many, it would appear, when leaving a stressful situation, deal with the conflict in the moment, set themselves free, perhaps attend some one on one therapy, and move forward with life.  Yet, for me, in my own personal experience, there is so much more value in authentic openness and sharing with other survivors.  There is laughter, holding space in attentive listening, bringing about this immense relief and power of freedom in one's recovery.


I guess that I forgot I had a choice 
I let you push me past the breaking point 
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

It is such that I have embarked on weekly recording myself reading through the journals I have written in since 'I was old enough to hold a pen or pencil', (See: Journaling Through The Years) while maintaining the privacy of others mentioned throughout, I dive deep into my inner psyche throughout every stage of my life and reveal, finding that in bringing to the light the darkness truly does lose its power.  This is done not without a sense of shame or remorse, but with the desire to be free from such so that I may continue my life with a lightness of being.

It is with that in mind I continue forward, becoming a facilitator for NAMI's Connection Recovery Support Group, wherein a group of individuals living with mental health conditions of every sort, will gather together each week to find support and hope in their journeys, a family of sorts will be built.  As well, my preparations for the Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists "Artist Soul Coaching & Workshops" where artists of every variety will work upon themselves through the dynamic healing power of all artistic forms, developing true community, and freedom within. (For more: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com)

Coming alongside you, I invite you to embrace the freedom and healing power found within sharing, being truly heard, and finding the pain of the darkness dissipating, fading away.

You held me down, but I got up (hey) 
Already brushing off the dust 
You hear my voice, you hear that sound 
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground




 

Sunday, January 14, 2024

Trailer: Dracula, The Play #wanderlusttheatrecompany


Guard your necks, don't get bitten, watch this Sunday, January 21st at 7 pm!


At the request of his boss, young Jonathan Harker travels to Transylvania to conduct the final sales of an English home to one Lord Dracula, an encounter of which will change the course of his life and those he loves. Lord Dracula will stop at nothing to devour all the many "flavors to enjoy" in England. Will anyone be able to stop their reign of terror?


Kate Vangeloff as Dracula, Nathan Green as Van Helsing, Jae Unker as Lucy Westenra, Kate Southern as Mina Murray, Tasia Simon as Mrs. Westenra, Andrew Hastings McGill as Renfield, Tim Coatney as Jonathan Harker, Abigail Brown as Arthur Holmwood, Tiffany Schechter as Doctor Seward, Brandon Kinsey as Quincey Morris, with Amelia Rose, Alayha McNamara, RuRu, David Countiss, Raja Slayton & Elle Schechter.


From the book, Dracula, by Bram Stoker, adapted for the stage by Kate Vangeloff & Jae Unker,


Directed by Nathan Green & Madeline DeCourcey

Friday, January 12, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 87: Random Thoughts From A Teenaged Li...


In this episode, I read a bunch of prose & other high school memoribilia from an assortment of papers stuck inside the front pocket of the journal, from dark thriller theme to sad, sappy good-byes blowing away in the wind, to class schedules and notes from teacher. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Narcissist: The Hill I Die On. WTF!?! #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder #npd


 





you don't want my love
you don't want my love
i'm so full of myself, i'm selfish
i'm so full of myself, i'm selfish
everybody want some help, can't help it
everybody want some help, can't help it

Okay, I know what you are thinking, this is the HILL I die on? Really? What the hell am I doing anyway, defending a narcissist, or rather, a person with narcissistic personality disorder?  A person, mind you, who would never, could never possibly do the same for me.  Or perhaps could, because, there are different types of, different degrees of NPD...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

First, as I described in a past entry, You Can Leave CW: #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #dv #ipv, the word "narcissist" or the slang "narc" is overly used as a blanket statement for any and everyone that acts abusively.  In addition, the word itself  is used whenever someone seems to behave in a selfish manner, as the general public does not know the distinction between a simple negative behavior or that of having an official diagnosis.  Some may not even know that there is an official diagnosis, narcissistic personality disorder, located on the Cluster B section of the personality disorders.  Regular people walking around probably don't even know or understand just what the hell even is a personality disorder?  But I do, yet I'm not even a therapist, rather just an overly curious mentally ill person carrying around the mantle of CPTSD who has been the victim of quite a few personality disordered individuals quite possibly, definitely, and who also finds reading the DSM a fun past-time.  But, that's me, and I never said I was anything else but "weird".  

So, here's the thing, when I hear the term "narc" or "narcissist" bandied about to describe any person that behaves manipulatively or wounds another in abusive, non-socially accepted ways, I tense and find in myself the need to launch into a long unending explanation that may start to seem a little 'lecture-y". I'd rather not do that, I'd rather perserve my friendships.  After all, who am I anyway, not a mental health profession of any sort that can diagnosis, that's for damn sure.  To reiterate, I'm just an overly curious mentally ill woman who seeks out knowledge hungrily with a desire to understand more with the hopes of recovery and impactful change.

It's important to me that those in the general population that find themselves victimized in anyway by a loved one or colleague that abuse has many different root issues and the reasoning behind such is myriad.  An abuser can be sociopathic (antisocial personality disorder, not gonna go there right now), someone with a substance abuse disorder, yes, npd or another personality disorder, or even a person struggling with depression or anxiety.  Manipulation and anger, factors of abuse, are often coping strategies used by a person struggling, unsure of how to get their needs met in any other way.  A person that behaves this way can be sociopathic, yes, but they could also be acting from a place of great pain, such as one with depression.  It's varied.  Using the blanket word "narc" is both ill-defining for those with APD and detrimentally harmful to those struggling with depression, anxiety, or other personality disorders and diagnoses.  In short, we all have the propensity to act in abusive, hurtful, and manipulative ways at times of our lives, whether situational or psychological or  a mixture of such.


 
Okay, so what the hell is Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? anyway? The word "narcissism" stems from Greek mythology from the god, Narcissus, a proud and handsome young man, who upon seeing his own reflection in a pool of water fell madly in love and could not look away, remaining there until his death.  From those origins, many a philosophy and school of thought on psychology has been discussed on the theme of self-admiration leading to arrogance and haughtiness.  Finally, this led to the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which is defined as a hyper fixation on their own importance, constantly needing attention and admiration, and seemingly an inability to care and understand the feelings of others. (See: History of Narcissistic Personality Disorder , Narcissistic personality disorder )
 


Understandably dealing with someone with NPD is fraught, difficult, emotionally draining, and damaging.  Self care is the most important part of living a happy life and at times that means extraditing oneself from the NPD individual.  However, for the importance of this entry, I want to take a closer look at one symptom of NPD which has brought a certain fascination and some empathy for one who seems to lack such, that of the "fragile self esteem" component of the NPD individual.  It is this reality that separates the NPD individual from one with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) as this fragility reflects a sense of conscious, thoughtfulness, and social awareness which is extremely lacking with ASPD.  The high likelihood of criminal involvement and violent behavior is prevalent with an individual with ASPD and not necessarily that of an NPD.  (See: Narcissistic and Antisocial Personalities: Similar but Different )


 Just as there are a multiplicity of reasons why one abuses or becomes an abuser, from depression to substance abuse to sociopathy (and many in between), there is also a multiplicity of types of narcissistic personality disorder.  


Educating oneself on the variety of NPD as well as the overall diagnoses can help bring understanding and awareness of one who is abusive towards you.  As well, learning about the myriad of other reasons why a person abuses can help extradite from such and commence the healing needed.  Thus, learning about the types of abusers helps understand the reasons why someone becomes abusive, sheds light on our own toxic patterns and roots that led us to be victimized, and can be highly beneficial in our recovery.  Diving deep into one's own healing journey will be highly enhanced by continuous, vociferous learning and self advocacy.   In this self growth, one can develop the self confidence and skills to effectively deal with one with NPD as well as other abusive types.







Sunday, January 7, 2024

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 86: The Four Horsemen of the What? #90...


Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 86: The Four Horsemen of the What? #90210 #relivemychildhood
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GXmWpIan8sw
I start this episode with thoughts about the new year, resolutions vs. intentions, then read a brief entry about some mysterious "four" and ponder who they could be, which leads to a thoughts on desiring intimacy when afraid of getting close.

Check out merch & websites they are supporting:

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741

If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter.

Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org

The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Merchandise:

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band...

https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-...

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy

Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Friday, January 5, 2024

Reclaiming Jezebel #reclaiming

 


Who was Jezebel?  Aside from the trope of the evil, seductive woman or even an evil spirit, a slanderous name tossed about for centuries when someone, usually female, considered to be of lesser value tries to overcome her downtrodden role, or rather a 'get out of a jail free card' for a wandering man who blames the victim, 'That Jezebel made me do it", but historically...who was she? 


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The woman Jezebel is introduced in the Biblical book, 1st Kings, as a Phoenician princess who marries the Israeli King Ahab.  Or rather, she is sold into the slavery of marriage for the position of political power wrangling between her father's sea-faring successful country to that of the land of Israel, a simple dowry object passed from one patriarchal control to another.  How dare she speak up, forge her own path?  Doesn't she know her place?

A young woman traveling to a distant land from the comforts of her home, Jezebel brought much from the place of her birth, including that of the artifacts of her country's religion, so that she could continue to worship as she had always done.  Once there, she inquired of Ahab, her new betrothed, if she could display such artifacts of her faith and he gave her his permission.  Ahab, an ancient king, had many a wife and concubine, of which Jezebel was the newest, as many ancient kings did.  Women of the time passed back and forth, land to land, bed to bed, as a form of currency and an object of social status.  How dare Jezebel seek out and desire more?


It is said in the Biblical accounts of her life that her new husband, King Ahab, willingly began worshiping Ba'al, committing idolatry, he gave up the God of Israel.  However, when reading a historical, religious text such as the Bible, one has to recognize that all material and literature is of its time (or of any time), is written with bias based on the life of the one writing and what audience they intend to persuade.  Now, I am not anti-bible, even though a deconstructed Fundie Christian, I hold beautiful memories pouring through and still find value with such as a spiritual text among many, one rich with figurative stories to help make meaning and understanding unto one's life's journey and evolution. All that to say, in the interest of this study of Jezebel, let's do our best to set aside the religious teachings of the Bible, specifically that of 'literal', and any bias that teaching has created within and take another look at Jezebel.  



Jezebel's arrival in her new husband's land took some getting accustomed for both her and those around her.  Furthermore, her bringing artifacts of her faith along with her and not conforming to the religion of the land angered many, including that of the Jewish Prophets, Elijah, then Elisha.  Additionally, Jezebel was not acting appropriately in the traditional sense of the submissive woman and wife, she was curious, had a voice she wanted heard, and was hungry for interaction.  In short, she sought to align herself in equality with her husband.  How dare she?  

It is important to note that Jezebel was not innocent in her strong woman status.  She was a bit conniving in wrangling a piece of land Ahab wanted from the poor owner, Naboth, whom she wrongfully accused of blasphemy to God and country, bringing about his stoning.  So, yeah, definitely a 'dick move' if I ever heard one? Again, she vowed to have Elijah killed, but only after finding out that the prophet had caused the slaughter of hundreds of Ba'al worshipers and prophets in the name of the God of Israel.  An eye for an eye, am I right?

Examining the life and character of Jezebel through the lens of the Biblical bias, one that wants to esteem the Judeo-Christian God above all others, she is vilified as a pagan seductress as a warning for what occurs when one disobeys the most high.  Yet, within the confines of history and political striving through all time including present day, this back and forth one-uppance and vying to overpower is a factor of human nature.  Perhaps, the striving of such coming from a woman, who already did not conform to the standards of society, was the true sticking point.  If Jezebel had be a man, would we have the slanderous insult?  Yes, Jezebel ain't an angel, but I don't necessarily see her as this Satanic Spirt come to tempt and to destroy all her victims.  I am reminded more of current women of political power of our day, more than a sexual deviant. 

So, the warning of the spirit of Jezebel is not one of sexual seductress, nor should Jezebel be held up as reason for husbands to insist their wives submit, but rather that of the political striving of over-powering another for one's gain.  A reality of human nature, of all genders, striving to better oneself can swiftly swing to a competitive drive to dominate.  For example, if feminism becomes more about matriarchal rule, where men are dominated and subjugated, as seen in the Barbie movie, than the female gender is no better than the male.  

Yet, there is a positive spirit of Jezebel worthy of reclaiming, standing true to oneself amongst the unfamiliar, surrounded by the prejudices of others, and speaking up to be heard when others would wish to silence.  For a woman who voluntarily agreed to be a Fundie Christian in her twenties, who always had a busty Barbie Doll figure, surrounded by a culture encroached within the Purity Culture mindset, I felt often that my body, the 'God-given' figure, was a Jezebel like attribute that could cause the stumbling of my male brethren.  Adding to the experience wherein a pastor who was counseling me in the throes of my depression remarked, "lots of women that I have counseled have developed feelings for me", which caused me to question, then spiral deeper into body dysmorphia and shame, to anorexia with the hopes of de-sexualizing myself so as not to be a 'Jezebel'.  

It is said that when those intent to murder her were approaching, Jezebel put on her finest attire, painted her face, and stood proudly looking out her window.  Was she waiting for her approaching 'paying customers' as a harlot? My feeling is she was continuing her bravery of standing fast in her own power and strength in the face of great adversity.

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave





Research materials used for this article:
Blaming Jezebel | Belief It Or Not