Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 92: One Night At Richardson Grove #ca...

In this episode, I share a short entry about a memorable summer night at Richardson Grove, outside Garberville, California, with my camp friends. I reflect on where and who I was at the time, what I had been through and how it had affected those closest to me. I ponder the differences of the friendship connections with my camp associations versus my high school classmates from my small school, sharing how those beliefs have changed yet one important facet remains: Love. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

And The Oscar Goes To...ME! #domesticviolencesurvivor #freedom #thriver #february24th #liberation #independenceday

 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

I've been dabbling in painting lately, I'm not very good, but I enjoy the process, of creating, exploring and learning a new medium.  Likewise, I find myself hanging out with, associating with fine artists more then other creative types these days, in and out of art studios and art classrooms and devouring book after book about life models in history where the famous artists who immortalized them people the pages.  Furthermore, as I continue my recovery journey, the whole span of my life unto this point becomes so vitally vivid, each moment a swash of paint on the canvas of my healing heart, moments that I took for granted, love given that I was not aware of at the time.  A friend on the phone ending a voice message with "God Bless" awkwardly and the paintbrush swishes upwards, freak-outs leaving me running in college chased by my friends, another brush-stroke, an heartbreaking conversation with a friend where neither knew how to express their truth yet still loved, a brush stroke, getting let go from my professional teaching job because of my mental health, brush, brush, brush, each moment paints a vivid portrait of my journey to wholeness. 

Thus, February 24, 2013, the day I had had enough., another brush stroke on the canvas of my soul. Moments before, on the phone sobbing with a friend who questions why I'm not watching the Oscars...because I couldn't take it anymore, not her, not the academy awards, but my husband's rampant, psychotic, narcissistic manipulation and abuse.  But more than him, the long chain of others, friends, boyfriends, family, a pastor, a therapist, so many throughout the course of my life, whose aim seemed to be to restrain me from being me, them getting off on the wounding, to darken my light so that theirs may shine...

No more, on that day in 2013, snot dripping, tears flowing, screaming, "Go, you say you want to, so go!" Fighting not to crumble as I watched the man I believed to be my true love leave.  In the weeks to follow, feeling empty yet strong, I began to fill my days with daffodils of hope, laughter, love, which buoyed me up for the hard things to come.  Two beautiful room-mates came into my life once I bravely filed the papers to restrain HIM, an adorable new fur-baby (a strong feminine spirit in her own right), a loving, patient new partner, so many meaningful, creative friendships who would lift up, even when I fell awkwardly or ashamedly made mistakes that wounded.  Again and again, that love would make it self a reality, spanning backwards in time before that fateful day in 2013 on forward and it's that love that ultimately helped me heal, helped me again and again to value and speak up for myself, realize my deserving of love, to truly loving myself and being my own best friend.  

And, it was that day, February 24, 2013, the catalyst of such upheaval, that overturned my world-view, an earthquake that awakened a volcano of emotion, release flooding outwards, finally, peace to be me.  

We honor dates throughout our lives, not just national or world holidays, or even birthdays.   But, personal landmark dates that solidify our soul's identity.  From anniversaries of long-term relationships spanning before the time of Facebook, dates of deaths of loved ones, vows of recovery dates, and dates of personal independence such as mine today, painted on the canvases of our souls vitally important  to meditate, ponder, and celebrate where we were then to who we have become. 

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics)

And, I have come far, am a completely different person that made that oh so brave decision that day, who I am and all that I would do is yet unimagined, as such so much of who the path she had followed before that date, a girl accepting her fate of being told, held down, controlled, lost in the throes of surrender, hoping to find peace.  For her, then, I share the victory of today, February 24, 2024, the paintbrush in my own hand, basking in the warmth of early spring sunlight, a feeling of freedom on my skin, a deep well of feeling everything amidst the stability of peace, union within.  All of this, I send backwards to her, to all of me, whoever wondered if her 'ship would come in' as she dutifully submitted, that, yes, freedom would arrive at her doorstep with the power of one word, "Go" banishing the hatred of destroyers, giving her the freedom to create and paint herself wholly.  Alive and Real. 

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 91: Stuff & My Grampa #relivemychildhood

This episode is all about "Stuff", a theme requested by my Grampa, once, along time ago. It launches a discussion on sharing versus privacy, oversharing, or rather dumping vs. seeking advice, and the differences between "males" and "females" in their connection with others. Love your thrive, find your sunshine, y'all! Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling A Film and Media company specializing in leading others to "love their thrive". We are known for such projects as Catatonia Of The Fairies (seen on this channel), Fair is Foul, Foul is Fair (seen here), The Timekeys Doctor Who Fan Fiction Webseries (find Timekeys Channel), the rom-com webseries, Nate & Laura & How They Met & its prequel series, Explore With Ashley Leigh (see their channels). Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlthrivingartists and find out more about us at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com Follow us on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, & Tiktok @ www.tiktok.com/@cafegirlandraccy When you subscribe, we subscribe back!!

Wokeism: The New Fundamentalism #woke #gotwoke #fundamentalism #fundie #fundamentalist

 

Full transparency, I am, what would be considered by many, a woke feminist (fun fact: a guy I was seeing once referred to me chidingly as a 'feminist', even more fun, I stayed linked to him for three more years...yikes, enough about MY SHAME!).  Overall, I find the original context of woke to be powerful and meaningful in living an empowered, authentic, forward moving life.  

Originating from African American Vernacular English since the 1930s, woke found resurgence in the 2010s, used as a means of encouragement to awaken to the injustices everywhere with the hopes that speaking out would impact change.  Such has been the positive influence of the term, "woke" within the last decade, such as the rise of awareness of mistreatment of Black Americans and police brutality, the uprising and seemingly approval of white supremacy by certain government leaders, to the 2020 election of Biden v. Trump, among many.  Thus, woke, in its original meaning, is powerful and one of which I will continue to practice with pride.  I will, in fact, work to 'Stay Woke'.

However, as in anything positive, a darker side has emerged, such that seems to be nearing a similarity with the organized religion it claims to disagree.  It would seem that woke has become misinterpreted and misused in order to shame into silence those who may not follow the acceptable status quo of who and what is in and who is out (see: cancelled) and use the appropriate lingo and language depicted by society.  Those who would seem to speak out against this new version of "woke" are chastised, chided, cancelled, just look at Dave Chapelle and Ricky Gervais as an example.  Liking or viewing that which has spoken against, used the wrong terminology, thus been cancelled and called 'anti-woke bigots' are attacked as a kin to such.  This inability to listen to one's intent over the correct word usage and terminology, lack of critical thinking skills, and increased focus on substituting individuality over conformity is startling me into recognizing the traits of this new woke with that of Fundamentalism, specifically that of Christian from my own personal experience.

Once again, I spent 7, maybe 8 years, of my life as what I now deem a fundamentalist Christian, what society and active believers describe as 'evangelical Christian'.  Yet with the meaning behind evangelical to be 'sharing of good news', I would rather not give such term to a fundamentalist Christian, or any fundamentalist, as such there does not appear to be any sort of good news or good energy being shared, contrary to what they would think.  That said, as a Fundie, I found myself falling into the trap of those around me of using select words and phrases, Christianeze, not understandable to those outside.  However relatable this is to an enclosed, exclusive, controlling worldview such as present day conservative Christians, what is more insidious is the damage within.  If one within the church's confines does not use the correctly prescribed word, phrase, or description of scripture, he or she is met with a declaration negative and made to feel shame, that said, the intent of what is being said is not being heard.  (Sound familiar?) Personally, I recall an experience where I shared with a friend what I had learned during a bible study from a pastor of the same denomination whose description of scripture differed from the status quo, of which was declared incorrect, no discussion granted, and the friend quickly exited the conversation.  Furthermore, this hyper-fixation on one's prescribed literal translation lends itself to disagreement, downplaying, and even strife between other conservative Christian churches, although their basic doctrine and belief in Jesus would appear the same.

It is important now to state that I have no issue with organized religion, Christianity, or the Woke culture if such is done within the true nature and purpose of its origins.  However, to me, my past history as a fundie Christian, seems increasingly more apparent within the woke culture of which has now become ridicule from the Christian Right and governmental leadership seeking to destroy.  The ironic reality is that fundamentalist Christians and the Woke-ists are following the same standards within the context of their own inner beliefs, yet both blinded by what their own exclusivity.  

The answer then for either the Woke or the Christian is to look within, understanding one's own benefits and biases, working through one's own struggles and using such as a foundation to impact change without, not wanting others to conform but seeking healing and individuality for all.  Basically, seeking all to be awakened, rather woke, to themselves first, then to the rights and needs of society.  For healing within is what guides to true peace without.

I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King .Jr HD (subtitled)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woke

This article is more than 2 years old We need to discuss the word ‘woke’

Life Model History: Jane Avril #janeavril #moulinrouge #toulouselautrec

Born Jeanne Louise Beaudon on June 9, 1868, her mother Leontine Clarisse Beaudon, aka La Belle Elise, was a prostitute, her father Luigi de Font, an Italian aristocrat.  Her parents were separated by the time she was 2 years old. She was raised primarily by her grandparents, until her mother took her back with the intention of having her follow in the footsteps of her mother's career.  She would eventually run away from her mother, ending up in hospital with  Sydenham's chorea, an autoimmune a disorder characterized by rapid, uncoordinated jerking movements primarily affecting the face, hands and feet.

She discovered that she could incorporate these movements into dance, which saved her life as she had contemplated suicide.  She met her lover, writer René Boylesve, who encouraged her to take the stage name, Jane Avril.  While performing at Moulin Rouge of which she helped popularize the can-can, she was discovered by  Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec who painted a promotional material of Jane dancing.

For more information about Jane Avril and other life models, as well as the profession of life model, check out my course "How To Be A Life Model" on my website: cafegirlproductionsinc.com

FanGirlHour, S4,E2 Teaser: Nicholas The Wine Connoisseur!

A little teaser for the next episode of the FanGirlHour. My friend, Nicholas Heckford joins to share his journey of finding his passion for wine & the industry itself! Listen to the FanGirlHour at: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/fangirling

--Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 90: Love Yourself First, D*MMIT! #lo...

In this episode, I read a prose which begins with my younger self admitting that I think a lot, but then dives deep into the importance of loving yourself first, why its important, and some ways to start doing so. Check out merch & websites they are supporting: National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255 Text Home to: 741741 If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter. Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at: nami.org nami-so.org The Trevor Project: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Merchandise: https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/ https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-band... https://www.bonfire.com/timekeys-fan-... https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy Listen to the FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling

Barbie Got An Honorable Mention. #Barbie #BarbieMovie #Oscars #Oscarsnub #barbiegate

 

When I was a little girl in elementary school, every year we were required to do some kind of a science project to submit to the local science fair in the next town over.  On the day of the science fair, we would all pile into the yellow school bus and head down to find out how our project was judged, either getting a blue for first place, a red for second, white for third, or, like, purple for the "honorable mention".  As kids, we all knew the extrinsic value of each of the ribbons and that honorable mention was the "Hey, you did a thing, here's a ribbon."  Even so, it did sting a little to see our friends receive some kind of 'higher award' that we, even when they, as well as the adults in our lives, tried to assure us that the aforementioned purple ribbon was just as cool.  I kept all my ribbons from various childhood activities for years hanging on my corkboard above my desk in my childhood room.  I can still see them today, some of them were blue, some were red, and, yeah, there were a plethora of purple.

Receiving the purple has positive and negative effects.  The idea of praising a kid for trying is in itself a worthy concept of which there has had a positive influence.  But, then again, there has been a bit of a backlash to the concept of "everyone gets an award" no matter what, and that is what I feel is occurring with the whole "Barbie-Gate, Oscar Snub" ordeal happening now.  With the announcements of the upcoming academy award nominations, it was discovered that Margot Robbie, Barbie herself, was not nominated for best 'actress' nor Greta Gerwig for best director.  Yes, Barbie is up for best picture and Margot (I'm on a first name basis) as part of the collection of "best producers", and Ryan Gosling for best actor.  (Sorry about the gender distinction, btw.)  Those three latter facts are darn right amazing in their own right and well deserving if the works in their favor.  But, for those raised in the 'honorable mention' culture of it all it's caused an uproar and a feeling as if Margo and Greta ( I know her too) have been snubbed.

Now, let's just say this, it's pretty damn cool that Margot Robbie is nominated for 'best producer'.  A woman who starred as Barbie, shedding light on the discrepancies of male to female status quo, overcoming those restrictions in herself and for others, is up for best producer.  And, Ryan Gosling is well-deserving of best actor.  Furthermore, Greta Gerwig is a damn talented whose career is quickly on the upswing, so guess what, the odds are high in her favor that she will win her Oscar someday.  Finally, focusing on the "Barbie Oscar Snub", takes away from something more incredible and groundbreaking, that of Lilly Gladstone for best actress of "Killers Of The Flower Moon", if she does secure such, she will be the first Native American actress to do such.  (She already one a golden globe by the way.)

In life, there is winning and losing for us all.  As we travel the journey of our life, we are not able to choose when we win, when we lose, but rather how we view the situation, how we make lemonade out of lemons, reframe the hardship.  Presently, in my own life, I have two dear friends who have lost the building of their business unaware of next steps, a woman whose grown daughter has had a recurrence of cancer, another friend who is dealing with the difficult process of dissolving her marriage, each are feeling the enormity of pain that comes from such and should, all feelings are valid and need to be fully experienced before forward movement.  Thus, feeling the disappointment of any loss, including that of a treasured actress presumably not getting her due, is valid and vital to be felt.  However, there are no guarantees in life, if what we hoped does not occur the way we planned.  Failure only happens when we allow our disappointments and emotions to take over our actions, to wallow, to whine, to wail endlessly.

Turning our letdowns into lessons is the best pathway to overcoming, learning from the hardships is what makes us better, more well rounded human beings.  And, after all, wasn't that the true message of the Barbie movie?

Think I forgot how to be happy
Something I'm not, but something I can be
Something I wait for
Something I'm made for
Something I'm made for

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Official Music Video)