After the Vagina Diaries and the Vagina Monologues were over, when I set out to write more of a spiritual-minded focus, I envisioned something like "the psychic diaries" or something of that nature, a daily entry following my progress in the realm of all things spiritual, a concrete guideline of sorts.
But, I'm starting to see that spirituality in all of its outpourings is anything but concrete or easily defined, but is truly infinite and limitless. Those moments of divine inspiration as it were happen along the way, when you're driving to work, running errands, cleaning out the kitty litter box, or other times doing something truly spiritual such as meditating or praying.
The point is, spiritual inspiration and learning is not something one can whip up at a moment's notice but is something that is both surprisingly spontaneous and meditative.
Thus, the lesson that has making its way in my head for the last few weeks has been simply that of "Finish Well." Just those two simple words are what propel me forward.
Awhile back, I started the process of renewing my substitute credential. (For those who don't know, I was certified to teach elementary school back in California and did for a short while before going utterly bonkers based on the fact that that just wasn't for me!) Teaching in anyway is not a desirable career focus for me and is, in fact, the back-up day-job. There are so many more things I'd rather do to earn money. Loving children, as I do, is not the issue. I really just don't enjoy teaching, good as it as I may be, I really don't.
So, why am I keeping on with the renewal process, despite the crazy hoops I still have to go through to achieve that in no way whatsoever desired goal?
Because I started it. And, the Universe, God (dess), the Divine is pressing on me to finish well. For reasons that I do not know, because I foresee more work coming to me in the areas of my passion in a lucrative sense. But, who knows? All I know is what I'm supposed to do this minute, to finish well.
That's what's defined as faith, I guess.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Friday, April 17, 2015
Why I'm Personally Glad For The New Gender Definitions
She, Her, Hers. I'm a Cis-Gender.
What does that mean? Well, for starters, here's the official definition, according to "Queer Dictionary":
A cisgender person is someone who identifies as the gender/sex they were assigned at birth. For example, your birth certificate says female, and you identify as a female woman.
But what does that mean for me personally, you wonder?
Well, it means that I'm a girl and proud to be one. I was "born this way". I like to dress-up, adorn my face with make-up, do my hair, put on pretty dresses, be treated like a lady, as well as roll-around in the dirt gardening, hiking, biking, or just generally participating in rough and tumble exploration times. It means I have a maternal streak to me, a creative side, an emotional, sensitive side. It also means that none of this detracts from my abilities to think critically, logically, and succeed in whatever field I choose.
I mention this now, because I used to be so ashamed of my femininity as if it was a mark of my weakness as a human being, believing in the lie that I was the "poor little defenseless girl-child". Because of this, I'd try to hide my desire to be a "girl" and, in a sense, butch it up, play it cool, hide my sexuality and self gender-definition in fear that if I didn't I would be taken less seriously.
I now realize that I do not and must not do this for myself or for anyone else. It won't make things better to not be true to myself. On the contrary, what I have found is that my quality of living has increased exponentially based on my choice to be real and proud of who I am.
All Woman, It's the way I was born.
This does not mean that I deny or disbelieve another's claim to be transgender or non-gender binary or what have you, in fact, it's an acceptance of that reality and an acknowledgment of that as fact. Its a way for me to say, I support you as you support me.
So, here it is, loud and proud:
"I'm a Cis-Sister, Hear Me Roar!"
What does that mean? Well, for starters, here's the official definition, according to "Queer Dictionary":
A cisgender person is someone who identifies as the gender/sex they were assigned at birth. For example, your birth certificate says female, and you identify as a female woman.
But what does that mean for me personally, you wonder?
Well, it means that I'm a girl and proud to be one. I was "born this way". I like to dress-up, adorn my face with make-up, do my hair, put on pretty dresses, be treated like a lady, as well as roll-around in the dirt gardening, hiking, biking, or just generally participating in rough and tumble exploration times. It means I have a maternal streak to me, a creative side, an emotional, sensitive side. It also means that none of this detracts from my abilities to think critically, logically, and succeed in whatever field I choose.
I mention this now, because I used to be so ashamed of my femininity as if it was a mark of my weakness as a human being, believing in the lie that I was the "poor little defenseless girl-child". Because of this, I'd try to hide my desire to be a "girl" and, in a sense, butch it up, play it cool, hide my sexuality and self gender-definition in fear that if I didn't I would be taken less seriously.
I now realize that I do not and must not do this for myself or for anyone else. It won't make things better to not be true to myself. On the contrary, what I have found is that my quality of living has increased exponentially based on my choice to be real and proud of who I am.
All Woman, It's the way I was born.
This does not mean that I deny or disbelieve another's claim to be transgender or non-gender binary or what have you, in fact, it's an acceptance of that reality and an acknowledgment of that as fact. Its a way for me to say, I support you as you support me.
So, here it is, loud and proud:
"I'm a Cis-Sister, Hear Me Roar!"
Sunday, April 12, 2015
People Are Gay, Get Over It!
Okay, so I'm throwing my two cents over this whole 'businesses not catering to homosexual couples based on their religious beliefs' thing.
Because that's just what it is, in my view, a belief based on a conservatively minded, legalistic religion. Exactly what Jesus spoke against when he pointed his fingers at the Pharisees, remember?
What did he call his followers to do instead?
To love, To practice nonjudgment, To serve.
So, how is banning certain lifestyles from our establishment following this creed? Furthermore, how is it lining itself with the society in which we live in, which aligns itself with the government, thevery government taxes are paid to by ourselves and our businesses, as Jesus commanded, "Render to Caesar what is due", so therefore choosing to disallow individuals from our businesses based on life-style choices goes against several of Jesus' commandments and, in fact, has a foundation more on our own righteousness than that of actual service or obedience.
He desired for us to follow his example, to love, to serve; how does one's reasoning that to deny service is, in fact, "hating the sin, loving the sinner" and not a cover-up for judgmental behavior?
Because that's just what it is, in my view, a belief based on a conservatively minded, legalistic religion. Exactly what Jesus spoke against when he pointed his fingers at the Pharisees, remember?
What did he call his followers to do instead?
To love, To practice nonjudgment, To serve.
So, how is banning certain lifestyles from our establishment following this creed? Furthermore, how is it lining itself with the society in which we live in, which aligns itself with the government, thevery government taxes are paid to by ourselves and our businesses, as Jesus commanded, "Render to Caesar what is due", so therefore choosing to disallow individuals from our businesses based on life-style choices goes against several of Jesus' commandments and, in fact, has a foundation more on our own righteousness than that of actual service or obedience.
He desired for us to follow his example, to love, to serve; how does one's reasoning that to deny service is, in fact, "hating the sin, loving the sinner" and not a cover-up for judgmental behavior?
Where do we draw the line? When are we going to stop casting stones and examine our own behaviors, sins, shortcomings, or what have you? When can we stop trying to change, convert, save, or rather pluck the stick from the others' eyes and pull the log out of our own?
Conservative, evangelical Christianity has gotten too much about sin-sniffing and judgmental behavior than about following the path Christ laid out for us, that of grace and service, about making a difference by the expression of our lives. This is one of the main reasons I stepped away from that belief system, besides the fact that it didn't really connect with all of that I believed.
Furthermore, it appears as if Fundamentals are increasingly hibernating in their own little safe world of bible studies, church services, and other related Christian events, afraid to venture out into the big, bad, scary, scary world because anything can happen out there where I might end up in trouble.
Wait, there's the problem. The emphasis is on "Me" or "I", how can I protect or service myself? Not others, not the world that Jesus and other great Spiritual teachers came to love and serve, who taught us to serve.
Choosing to refuse service based on lifestyle is a form of judgment and in a sense taking the position of God and saying "I know what's right", when in fact, we don't. We never do. Freedom of speech and religion is one thing and I believe all our guaranteed, including you the business owner refusing to give service, but at others' cost of their freedoms? Based on Jesus' words, we have a moral obligations not only to follow his leading but to align ourselves with the laws of the land in which we live. If you want to go against this based on your beliefs, go live in a Muslim country where you are free to discriminate based on lifestyle, orientation, even gender? Of course, you as a Christian would probably be discriminated against as well. 'What, me?' you say. Yeah, truly, unless you changed your religious views.
It is because of this that I choose to look passed the outward appearance, lifestyle choices of those that come into my life, regardless of religious belief or sexual orientation, and seek to see what's going on the inside. I know and can admit that I am far from perfect and in truth find myself casting the stones of judgment from time to time, like it or not. But, I'm accountable enough with myself to admit it and try to change it. How do I do this? By choosing to apply love and grace in every situation good or bad, by seeking to know why a person behaves the way they do, makes the choices they do, in short, looking passed my snap judgments and striving for understanding and relationships.
I believe Jesus, as well as other spiritual leaders, wanted that from all of us. So, don't get hung up on lifestyle choices or orientation! Get over it and love, serve, transform!
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Dreams They Transform
You hear a lot of talk these days about, listening to your dreams, manifesting your dreams, following your dreams, or finding out the significance of our dreams, so much in fact that a lot of people see it as a bunch of hoo-haw new age religion crap.
But, I'm here to tell you that it has weight and really does make a difference. Because, I've had dreams of significant import that have either pointed me in the direction I need to go, answered the questions needed for the next step in my life-focus, and brought an enormous amount of healing to my long-standing anxieties.
The first dream was that I was visiting my two old room-mates, Vanessa and Chloe at our old apartment. For some reason, I was carrying my kitty, Leo, with me. (See: the kitty that is afraid of anyone else but myself and my boyfriend and who never leaves the house so that right there is an oddity.) The town-house apartment we lived in had only two bedrooms, but in the dream there were three, one large and two small surrounding the bathroom. It was in this phantom third bedroom where the stage was set.
Chloe, according to Vanessa, had had a creep of a gentleman caller over awhile back and they had managed to scare him off. But then he came back! Vanessa opened the door but before she did she handed us both two "rogue credit union" pens. (For those of you who don't know, they are differently neon colored pens given out as souvenirs from a local bank.)
Here is an example:
Holding my cat, I watched as these two friends of mine tied this guy, evil though he was, to a chair and preceded to use the pens as weapons to stab him repeatedly in the neck, the jugular more like. They urged me to help and I did once but when I saw the blood trickle down, I stopped because I didn't want to be convicted of murder. All the while, this fella kept screaming obscenities at all of us. Was he deserving of this treatment? I escaped from the house, sheltering Leo, ran back to my house and anxiously reported to my boyfriend that two of my bestest friends had gone completely berserk.
What does this mean? You ask. Stay tuned!
The next night I had a nightmare, of sorts. In the dream, a female friend of both mine and my boyfriend's was trying to seduce him away from me while I sat perched on his lap. It was disturbing me so greatly that I told him so. This prompted a fight between us which brought about our breakup that was somehow all my fault. I woke up sobbing into my pillow which prompted my lovely boyfriend barely awake himself to take me in his arms until I quieted down.
In the bathroom later, I breathed deep and reflected upon this, this dream-like state reflecting my long-existing anxieties and insecurities and it dawned on me: I am not alone in these fears. Unfortunately, it is a common reality among women and girls to be anxious over loss of love and to be competitive with their sisters, as it were. This is where the catty girl-fights spring from, I believe. I released these fears upon realizing this and crawled into bed and drifted into another dream.
I was on a film set, starring in a movie directed by my good friend, Dan McCloy, who had just discovered he had a good friend at the BBC who knew Matt Smith and had called in a favor to get him to star in one of his movies. (I take it Mr. Smith did not have a choice in this matter.) Well, this is how I chose to settle this little matter in the dream when it suddenly dawned on me that Mr. McCloy, a no-budget yet brilliant film-maker, writer, and director, had no real means to cast Matt Smith in one of his films, maybe, this is a prophecy for him, of sorts. Who can tell?
Two of my oldest friends in life, MLE and Corinne (or Bikini Girl as some know her, or Rinnie as I do) were present as extras or some such. For some reason, a bunch of us were standing in a circle passing around a bowl full of liquid chocolate. My dear friend, Corinne, arranged it so that same bowl would somehow be randomly dumped all over my head, not as a prank but as she and MLE explained in shrill whispers, "so that the boys would have to lick it off of you and when it got to Matt, you could make your move!"
Thanks, girls! And, yes, eventually Matt and I did get erotic, a fantasy that has basically over-taken all of my waking moments since (I basically can't think straight).
So, what is the meaning of all this? Well, I'm glad you asked.
It's healing from my past which caused a break-up and a latent mistrust of girl-friends everywhere. I no longer have to fear that every female person I meet is an instant "frenemy." In both these dreams, both sets of girls were doing something to help me overcome these fears in either protecting me from an abusive man, albeit violently, or as in the latter dream, helping me to achieve my dreams, symbolized by my bedding Matt Smith. (Yes Please!)
Now, I can finally say I have forgiven the past friends of the female variety who have caused this rift and insecurity and embrace the new powerful force of the feminine relationships I do have.
To celebrate this, I leave you with this song:
But, I'm here to tell you that it has weight and really does make a difference. Because, I've had dreams of significant import that have either pointed me in the direction I need to go, answered the questions needed for the next step in my life-focus, and brought an enormous amount of healing to my long-standing anxieties.
The first dream was that I was visiting my two old room-mates, Vanessa and Chloe at our old apartment. For some reason, I was carrying my kitty, Leo, with me. (See: the kitty that is afraid of anyone else but myself and my boyfriend and who never leaves the house so that right there is an oddity.) The town-house apartment we lived in had only two bedrooms, but in the dream there were three, one large and two small surrounding the bathroom. It was in this phantom third bedroom where the stage was set.
Chloe, according to Vanessa, had had a creep of a gentleman caller over awhile back and they had managed to scare him off. But then he came back! Vanessa opened the door but before she did she handed us both two "rogue credit union" pens. (For those of you who don't know, they are differently neon colored pens given out as souvenirs from a local bank.)
Here is an example:
What does this mean? You ask. Stay tuned!
The next night I had a nightmare, of sorts. In the dream, a female friend of both mine and my boyfriend's was trying to seduce him away from me while I sat perched on his lap. It was disturbing me so greatly that I told him so. This prompted a fight between us which brought about our breakup that was somehow all my fault. I woke up sobbing into my pillow which prompted my lovely boyfriend barely awake himself to take me in his arms until I quieted down.
In the bathroom later, I breathed deep and reflected upon this, this dream-like state reflecting my long-existing anxieties and insecurities and it dawned on me: I am not alone in these fears. Unfortunately, it is a common reality among women and girls to be anxious over loss of love and to be competitive with their sisters, as it were. This is where the catty girl-fights spring from, I believe. I released these fears upon realizing this and crawled into bed and drifted into another dream.
I was on a film set, starring in a movie directed by my good friend, Dan McCloy, who had just discovered he had a good friend at the BBC who knew Matt Smith and had called in a favor to get him to star in one of his movies. (I take it Mr. Smith did not have a choice in this matter.) Well, this is how I chose to settle this little matter in the dream when it suddenly dawned on me that Mr. McCloy, a no-budget yet brilliant film-maker, writer, and director, had no real means to cast Matt Smith in one of his films, maybe, this is a prophecy for him, of sorts. Who can tell?
Two of my oldest friends in life, MLE and Corinne (or Bikini Girl as some know her, or Rinnie as I do) were present as extras or some such. For some reason, a bunch of us were standing in a circle passing around a bowl full of liquid chocolate. My dear friend, Corinne, arranged it so that same bowl would somehow be randomly dumped all over my head, not as a prank but as she and MLE explained in shrill whispers, "so that the boys would have to lick it off of you and when it got to Matt, you could make your move!"
Thanks, girls! And, yes, eventually Matt and I did get erotic, a fantasy that has basically over-taken all of my waking moments since (I basically can't think straight).
So, what is the meaning of all this? Well, I'm glad you asked.
It's healing from my past which caused a break-up and a latent mistrust of girl-friends everywhere. I no longer have to fear that every female person I meet is an instant "frenemy." In both these dreams, both sets of girls were doing something to help me overcome these fears in either protecting me from an abusive man, albeit violently, or as in the latter dream, helping me to achieve my dreams, symbolized by my bedding Matt Smith. (Yes Please!)
Now, I can finally say I have forgiven the past friends of the female variety who have caused this rift and insecurity and embrace the new powerful force of the feminine relationships I do have.
To celebrate this, I leave you with this song:
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