All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

 

All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

Yesterday, April 29, 2022, marked another milestone of my life, leaving behind year 43 and beginning a new with 44 (& many more on channel 44).  Over the last year of intensive trauma-related therapy, I've had what seems like an intense reflection upon all of my past occurrences, flying quickly to the fore-front of my mind in a vivid recall, both happy but moreover the unhappy, darker times of my life, where impulse control ruled and poor decisions were executed.  I recall these moments to such a fine pointed degree that I can feel the emotion beyond my reactivity, the response of those around, the end result within, and then suddenly, I am once again in the present moment, reflecting upon all that transpired that caused me to react in that past moment.  

They say when you die, you realize all of your life flash before you as you transcend upwards toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps, though, that is a metaphor for the therapeutic recovery process one undergoes during trauma work, causing a death to the old self, a thorough understanding within, and, finally, a deeper appreciation for the simplest aspects of life and all its lovely beauty.

So, here I am at 44, experiencing the fullness of the expense of all my life at once, recognizing at last that of every season, every decision, every high, every low, made me who I am today, leading me nearer and nearer towards the fullness of myself.  This revelation came about after taking advantage of the time off brought about by Covid19 restrictions shutting us down, going deeper within myself than ever before, and doing the hard work necessary, not just upon my creative projects (however, everything done, whether inner or outer, works to achieve soul wholeness), but upon healing, to find true freedom and enjoyment of life. 

"You are so full of life," a friend said of me, "I can't imagine what age you might be."

To her, I responded, its through the patient and steady efforts of healing recovery that true joy and love of life is acquired, nothing less will suffice. 

 Not the manic self my Bipolar brain falls into at times, for that is not at all akin to true joy and peace.  Only the steady and sure steps towards fully knowing, healing, and forgiving oneself is what will garner one towards inner prosperity.

Finally, the biggest gift given to me on this birthday was, in fact, not the breast reduction I received one week and a day before (although that was quite substantial, pun not intended), but the most vital gift of such healthy and fulfilling connections with true friends that uplift and finally give love towards me that is without conditions.  In so much of my life, I have quoted the message of my favorite movie, "The Wizard Of Oz", that being, "There is no place like home and home is of the heart", but truly the fullness of that was never realized until I took the painful but necessary steps to separate myself from that which was toxic, energy draining, the 'friends' that were more 'frenemy', and allowed the fullness of true friendship and pure love to surround and overwhelm.  From that well, I dove deep into my own self-love, continuously finding healing and strength to persevere, to once again, trust, and find the pure joy of living.

As I set forth on this first day of 44, wondering what experiences will become vivid memories in the years that tumble forth, hoping that it will be that which is the simple, the enjoying laughter of my trusted loved ones celebrating with me yesterday and last night, the taste of the three yummy coffee drinks I received for my day, the beautiful walk I took this morning with the few, soft drops of rain falling onto my hair, my cheek, my coffee down my long driveway of which I love to walk, but hate to drive upon in my small blue Kia that hits every bump dramatically no matter how slow and meticulously I drive, falling asleep mid-morning in bed reading with my beloved fur-daughter, Tansy, near by, such simple bliss will come in the days to come as well as those with more grandeur, but each I will take with the steady steps of one filled with love within and surrounded by the blessing of pure, unconditional without. 

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All You Need Is Love

Why I Love Renting

 

I know that there is a high pressure based on societal rules to fall in life with the enforced milestones of life, you know, like getting the college degree, hitching up, birthing the 2.5 kids, and buying a house.  But, for my life in residence, I have been a renter throughout. I used to be looked down for this, another regulation enforced by society, that if you don't fit into the status quo, if you are different, you are wrong and somehow broken.

But, as I drive about my beloved home town of Ashland, I marvel as I travel past all the former places of residence, or even, the places I called home because they hold some significance, whether it be an old friend or flame's abode, a former work environment, or something in between, and this reality of my existence warms me to the core.  I've mourned as I watched the demise and destruction of a place I once called home and continued to feel the absence as I pass by where it once was.  

Added to that, as I busy myself with the joys of nesting and all that goes into behind a domestic homebody, I love finding the little artifacts left behind by former residence, mostly as the seedlings they planted continue each year with fresh blooms or rather other little garden memories. 

Looked at from a purely financial aspect, when one buys a house they purchase a mortgage through a bank, rather the bank or lender covers the cost and the buyer pays back with interest until the loan is paid off.  Rather, rent, aside from the event that the landlord or lady raises, remains at a fixed amount with no interest.  

One's rental lease may be signed for month to month or a year whereas buying a house remains yours as long as you maintain the payments and is permanently yours after the loan is paid off, unless you decide to or need to sell.  But, as learned in the housing crisis of 2008 (am I dating myself?), in the extreme event of financial hardship and recession, paying the mortgage becomes an increasing anxiety (where is the  money?) which could result in foreclosure.  

Being a renter and being at the whim of one's landlord runs the risk of losing one's residence as being a home-owner and defaulting on payment one's the risk of also losing one's residence.  Thus, the truth of a physical residence is a precarious residence and finding the home within is crucial to permanently feeling grounded wherever one lands and has an address.

There's No Place Like Home

The Essence Of Home

7 Years Old

What makes a place a home? What does it mean to truly come home?  This is a common ongoing thread in my life and has been for the last several years.  In fact, it helped to shape the storyline of Jane Smyth, the human embodiment of my Romana, in my production company's Doctor Who fan-fiction web-series, TimeKeys.  (Click here: Timekeys)

The photo at the top of this blog is a picture of my childhood home, which in a few short weeks, my parents' will hand the keys over to a new family and a chapter in my life will officially close.  This has sparked interest in not only finally settling down into my own established house but also cultivating my own sense of 'family home', one of which I can will and bequeath to my nieces and nephew perhaps someday.  

Right, okay, that's a far off reality.  Today, I sit reflecting on the nature of what makes a home a home, is it the physical or an immaterial connection? I think the latter.  As I meditate on this, I am at present in the first residence of my adult life that truly feels like home to me, truly feels like mine, even though I am a mere renter.  But why?  I think my belief hearkens back to the truth my version of Romana voiced when she finally reunited with her Doctor, "Yes, Doctor, it's me, 'Home is where the hearts are'.  

Truly, there have been a wide plethora of places in my life that I deem a "home" of sorts, from my childhood abode, to my various school rooms, to my summer camp, my best friends' houses growing up, and so much more.  But, these places are mostly four walls with a roof, what makes them so special is the memories and the connections I made therein and therefore how that influenced who I am within.  So, thus home is never truly a place but something that resides within.

In addition to the sense of home being a feeling, home has often been connected with a certain person or persons.  I can relate as there are many in my life and have been in the past of which I feel a sense of inner peace when we are together.  In truth, my time with them may have passed, be it by death or another life circumstance that moved us forward, but the memory of how that connection shaped me and implemented its lessons within resides far beyond and will always remain.  Thus, an intimate relationship of the romantic nature is not merely the only connection that can make one feel at home, a friend, a colleague, even a frenemy can have that effect, for all connections we make therein have a significant purpose for the season they are in our lives.  So, too the fabric of these connections weaves the tapestry that writes our story and unites us with the greater whole.

Finally, what truly is a home?  It is not merely related to a place, nor is it found in another person.  It cannot be defined fully by our connections with family, whether blood or chosen.  What I discovered is that we can never truly arrive home if we are not at peace with who we are within.  As I write this, my beautiful little valley in Southern Oregon has been hit by a devastating wildfire that has wreaked havoc on some local towns and left many without their beloved residential buildings where they once lived.  Many are those I deeply care for and have corresponded with face to face, called friends, others I have yet to meet or may never shall.  Either way, as the words fall from my brain through my fingers onto the screen, I ponder the nature of 'home within' when faced with a loss I have never fully experienced, suddenly having homelessness thrust upon you by the ambush of fire.  It is a horror I pray I never shall experience and one I am grateful that I have not as these fires are not the first that have rampaged their way across the west coast, but has been a constant threat and reality for many a year.  From afar, I have watched with sadness at the loss of California cities like Redding and Santa Rosa and felt absolutely hopeless to act.  In the face of such horror, loss, and hopeless, can we truly find home within the confines of four walls and a roof?

In truth, home is not a mere building or even a place.  Any building where we log our address is truly transparent in its ability to last, somehow someday that place will cease to be in some fashion.  However, if we find a constant sense of security within yourself, we will be able truly to be at home with yourself wherever and whoever you are.  This is a constant journey of healing and growth, albeit sometimes scary but other times heart-warming, as the greatest lesson in the journey is that we all are continuously coming home....to ourselves.  

Coming home within.

What Dorothy Gale Learned

 “If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with.”---Dorothy Gale

Thoughts on what you just read? What is your idea of home? Comment below and I will respond.  The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of helping to heal and help others find their pathway to thriving.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

A Face To The Story

Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Lost Girl, FOUND!!!

I recently started watching the TV show, Lost Girl, on Netflix, liking it because I found a connection to myself and the heroine in the story.

The story follows Bo, the Lost Girl, who has lived her life, unsure and ashamed of who she is, even while not knowing the truth of her identity.  In the first episode Bo is introduced to a world she never knew of, that there are others like her with similar powers, hers being that of a 'Succubus'.  She feeds on people through sexual activity.  She's urged to "pick sides" between those that are a force for good or those for evil.  Bo, finally discovering herself, chooses neither.  The rest of the storyline is Bo's continual discovery of herself, this new world, and re-claiming her life and fulfilling her destiny.

Why is this significant for me? Because, in so many ways, I feel that I have finally discovered and accepted my inner child, thus finding myself and having peace with my past.  Throughout much of my life, I felt like that 'lost girl', running from my true self that I didn't quite understand or was afraid to know.  I always felt different and was ashamed of who I was, in every situation and life circumstance.  Because of this, I allowed myself to be the victim, letting people abuse me, walk over me, never standing up for myself and my needs, afraid to talk back.

But, not anymore.  Since making major life changes in my life (ie kicking my abusive ex out of my life), I have re-claimed my life and my destiny for myself.  I have, at last, peace with every past relationship, struggle, or memory of my life, bad or good.   

I finally understand what Dorothy Gale meant at the end of The Wizard of Oz when she said,
"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any farther than my own backyard because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

My "backyard" refers to my true self, my inner child who has been found and is living proudly.  So as Bo says in the opening credits of "Lost Girl",

"I will learn to live the life I choose."

Click here!

There's No Place Like Home!

"Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things are ahead, I press forward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."--Philippians 3:13-14

 I have some issues regarding the common translation of this verse.  I know what it says, to not focus on what is behind and reach forward.  But, too often, I fear that Christians take it too literally in that trying to 'forget what is behind', they hinder their own personal healing and growth that the Lord offers them.

A few years back, I was led back to my home-town, for the purpose I thought, was to attend graduate school, but in the end that only got me 12,000 dollars in debt! In my heart of hearts, I resented the fact that I had to leave Ashland, of which had not only been my place of residence, but had come to be, and always had been, my true home on this 'swiftly-turning planet'.  But looking back (no pun intended), I see now that my purpose in moving back to the place where I was reared was to cut out all that is within me from my past that was hindering me from moving forward in my walk with God.  In a word, looking backwards helped me to let go, reach forward, and press on to the "upward call".  Without that time of introspection and realization of my anger, unresolved pain, bitterness, and abuse from family, friends, even the church (something I still deal with today, "Jesus never said everyone was lovable, right? That's why he made the church!"), I would not have found the amazing freedom of true healing and the pathway to not only receiving forgiveness for myself but for those who hurt me in the past, present, and even the future.  By looking back, as well, into the ways I have wronged others, I am free to forgive those that hurt me by recognizing how I have done damage myself.  So, I urge you, my Christian brother and sister, if you have been told by the leadership of the church or even other parishners, to forget what is behind, not to obey this until you have made peace with yourself and allowed God to 'work out' the pain that needs to be released.  Only in that, in my experience, will you be able to move forward to your glorious calling and a true freedom.

I resent, as well, the popular thought around the church that "feelings are  evil".  In truth, I had a friend outside the church, a nonbeliever of  sorts,  who always has expressed the need for me to "feel my feelings" and that has been the truth path-way to abiding deeper and more closely with the Lord.  In my own thought process, feelings are just feelings, they are not bad or good, but merely feelings."  Feelings do not necessarily have any significance of a notion of evil or sin, they just are.  I have found when I start to feel a feeling, if I acknowledge to myself and allow myself to 'experience that emotion' (not necessarily by expressing it outwardly), it passes away and I am able to continue forward.  Later on, I am able to examine why the emotion was felt and truly let that be healed.

Well, during my struggles back in the childhood stomping grounds, I often longed to be once-again in my true 'home-town' of Ashland, Oregon.  I cannot explain to those who are not called to this place just why and how I feel this to be my place, and even if I travel or live elsewhere, I know that this is always where my heart resides.  And truly, home is where the heart dwells!  But, I know this was where I was supposed to be, at some point, I was meant to return.  I would often find myself fleeing the confines of the California residence and escaping to a kind of 'spiritual retreat' to Ashland.  All my friends that reside here, who truly know the magic of the town, knew that I would one day move back.  I felt this too, but I know now that I could not return until God had accomplished in me what he needed to internally in that place.  But, as I say with my favorite movie herione, Dorothy Gale, "There is no place like home" or rather, "There is no place like Ashland!"

I hope my readers will themselves go back into their past, deal with it, acknowledge their hurts and how they have hurts others, and then truly move on.  You may not have to physically go back to a place, but there may be 'a place that resides within' that you need to travel to, and become truly free.

So, at that time, I pray you can say the words I have longed to express to my Ashland friends (about my time in California and all that entitled):

"Truly, this was a real live place, and I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful--But, all I kept saying was, I want to go home! I want to go to Ashland--And they sent me home!"

And also, the lesson Dorothy learned, I have learned in that:

"If I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own backyard, because it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with."

Truly, friends, there is no place like....Ashland, Oregon!

He who has ears, let him hear