Demi/Grey/Sapio--ACE! #asexualpride #asexualcomingout

 

14 Asexual Spectrum Identities | Different Ways to Be Ace

Along my journey of recovery, I am continously in awe of the personal soul growth and realizations of inner self.  As I begin to embrace the feeling of wholeness and true health, I recognize how that which I discover that defines not just who I am becoming, but who I always was.  Thus, in these discoveries, I find healing for the pain carried with me from every phase of my life.  

As I unravel the history of traumatic abuse, I face the truth of my toxic past relations and through examination begin to learn how healthy interaction looks and feels.  This path guides me to the realization of my forever relational inclinations, mentioned before, such as always being polyamorous even though trying to hide and conform. (Coming out. #truecolors)

Deepening that, I come to realize the inner workings of my heart and how it engages without.  The various labels of today, mere words on paper, however, when one discovers that one that signfies an answer to the longheld inner confusion, a light dawns upon the darkness and a feeling of acceptance warms within.  That is what happened when I discovered the terms 'demi-sexual/romantic', 'grey-sexual/romantic', and 'sapio-sexual/romantic'.  

All of my life in this  modern age of romance, I thought I was a strange duck, hever quite seeming to fit in or now how to interact appropriately.  I have never logged onto the variety of dating sites nor connected with someone through those, in fact, I have never desired or needed such interaction.  The majority of my goings-on in life I am in no need of any sort of physical sexual encounter, unless in the throes of new relationship energy, whether it be limerence or infatuation.  Recognizing this helps me understand why the required abstinence of the purity culture in my fundie years worked just fine with me (however, I reject the basic premise of purity culture and now see that as blatant control, shame, and abuse.) Without making any effort or outward proclamation, I can happily live a life of abstinence, as I find myself so energized by the sensual act of creativity in my various projects.  I must add here, that romantic or platonic relation is distinct here from the physical, as for much of my life, I craved the addictive high of new relationship as a means of escape from myself and the drudgery, however, that mindset is dysfunctional and has no connection to healthy interaction, whether physical or emotional.

For these reasons, I never fully resonated with the term 'asexual' for in my limited understanding of such term, I felt quite sure I was, in fact, a sexual being.  Even during the fundie years, when made to feel shame for my past sexual encounters, I felt sure I was flawed because of my illicit (but not really) sexual cravings.  In recent years, with the dawn of the openness of body and sex positivity and recovery found in deconstruction, I've been able to explore the true defintions of a variety of terms and have learned that there is a spectrum of asexuality.

asexual: not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; non-sexual. (of a person) having no sexual feelings or desires, or not sexually attracted to anyone. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. without sex or sexual organs.

The spectrum of asexual identity was an awe-inspiring, eye-opening revelation which led me feeling more self aware and comfortable within.  For my personal self understanding, I add 'romantic' to the above terminology because for me, a proud demi-sexual first and foremost, romance and the physical are interlinked and never separated.  

That said, the foremost term that defines all of me is that of the demisexual, the first on this list followed very closely by greysexual, then lastly, up comes a newer term, sapiosexual.  For me, this reveals itself to me in not desiring or seeming to need a romantic engagement unless under specific circumstance and once a tight bond has formed.  

The majority of this bond is formed through emotional connection, as my soul leads itself overall towards emotional intelligence first.  In the quest for knowledge, I do find myself hungering for all, both intellectual and emotional, but personally always fall back on the latter.  In any encounter, I detest the mere pitter patter of small talk and crave the deep interactions of truly knowing another on the soul level. 

At last, I find myself wrapped up within all of these.  Labels alone can only go so far and one will find themselves within the context of a variety.  Thus, the use of labels is not to rigidly define, but to find truth in the fluidity of self with the intention to remain open to the evolution of the soul's journey towards healing and wholeness.  Find what rings truest to oneself and let the rest dissappiate, for knowing one's self is the true path to empowerment. 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Here I am in younger days star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass: faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should've seen

The Truth, as I see it, or something like that

"He walked with me in peace and equity, And turned many away from iniquity."
--Malachi 2:6

I think the point of this scripture, to me, is found in the last line "turned many away from iniquity", which is found when we, as people who believe in God and, even, Jesus, walk in peace and equity with all man.  But, I ask you, how can you do this, when we "Christians", who claim to follow the teachings of Christ, march on the street or boycott businesses that treat human beings as less than because their lifestyle, choice, beliefs seem contrary to ours or our intrepretation of the Bible.  How is that reflecting the one we claim to serve and love and worship?  How is that turning one away from the presumed iniquity?  I am speaking primarily of the "homosexual agenda" but this could be any particular sin.

The scripture you rampant "Jesus freaks" (notice, in quotation) claim as proof of this is found in Romans 1ish:

"Likewise also men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due."

First of, that is one scripture among many.  Second of, in my recollection, that is the words of Paul, who yes, has some good things to say, but, and must I say this boldly, IS NOT JESUS!!!  So, if he is not Jesus, and Jesus is the main thing, then why put such stock on Paul when even he said, plainly, to follow Christ, not him.

And what is the message of Christ but love, peace, grace....and how does he reach people with those love, how does he convert, or change, or "save", but, my dear friends, in relationship.

So, without further ado, I have finally come to the conclusion that homosexuality in itself is not sin, but sin is what separates us from God.  For example, I have a very dear little lesbian friend (little because she is, hi! hi!) who I believe is more connected with Jesus because of her love for her fiance, her family, her friends, and understanding of herself in relation to God.  Well, actually, its my intuition when I talk to her, I just know that nothing separates her from God and isn't, even with her choice of sexuality.

But, then I know of several Christians who, based on my once again intuition who seem further away from God, based on the sin of judgment and hatred...controlling behaviors which is contrary to God, because remember its his will not ours.  But, I digress...

I think it is more of a sin if one tries to separate those who are brought together by God (for example, my darling love and I, a truth that was spoken to me several years ago "what God has brought together, let man not separate") and I speak of all relations.  It's not our responsiblity, people!

I strive to be a Christian that would make Gandhi desire to "drink the kool-aid", not really just a real authentic example of Christ in every way so that my man, Gandhi and those lie him would actually like me for the very truth that I act in the same way as Christ (isn't that the key here?)

Sin is what separates you from God--He is love, hatred is the opposite of love, so therefore hatred is the opposite of God, so as God is the redeemer of our hearts, then if we carry the burden of hate in our hearts (and I am speaking of my heart, truthfully), then we are not in the right place of God and we must confess---everyone of us, for hate towards others--

So, one scripture speaks against homosexuality, and once again, that is Paul, not Jesus.  It says "left the naturaly use' meaning male to female, yet if homosexuality is a sin and we are all "born in sin" naturally, then why is it not possible to be born gay? Hmm...food for thought! Then, homosexuality for some is natural---so then the natural use!! (Remember, we are all sinners!) And really, the worse kind of sexual immorality, adultery and even more so, child abuse (You burn in hell for that, folks, and me being a teacher/child care worker, hell will hath no fury like a teacher who discovers you have done that!)

The real reason for this rambling (sorry so long) is the true message of the Bible is the words of Christ, not Paul or anyone else, and all other voices should be drowned out by his (as should be in all our lives) and his message is:

"LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, and INCLUSION"

(We are all sinners, remember!!)

So, those that have that 'pure love', even the "gays", yes have more of a relationship and the spirit of God, Christ-likeness than Christians who forget the one who they are called by---the one who they are supposed to be like

Funny, gay means happy! Shouldn't we all be gay?  And the rainbow, the banner of diversity, isn't it also a promise of God's love and grace and mercy?

And, yeah, if the supposed individuals who we claim to be sinners, (remember one pointing finger outwards has three pointing back), isn't it God's job to change their hearts?  Why, then, do we use the Word of God as a weapon instead of a tool for our own salvation, our own recovery, then? Hmm...food for thought!

So, once again, I say plainly, it is not our responsibility to save, but God's, and in that it is not our duty to correct, but to trust that God has a purpose and a plan for all our stumblings, confusion...Remember, we are not all perfect and don't understand his purpose and plan?

All this is not to call out or condemn (for both sides of the equation, so if I offended any, well, there is the chance that I offended both which seems more fair and balanced (hi! hi!) but to openly confess my own 'backslidings'

Yes, I confess and openly admit: I am a Christian, fallible, judgmental, hypocrital, but I strive every day to extend the love and grace and actually walk HIS TALK, not mine!

Secondly, I am or seem to be of sorts, bipolar (which in the eyes of some is not real, but sin)

Thirdly, here goes nothing:

I openly admit and confess that I am....bisexual....and proud....

He who has ears to hear, let him hear....

*Disclaimer: the way I see it, love is love.  We are not in love with the physicality or the body, but the soul.  In this lifetime, that can take either gender.  So, yes, I find women attractive, have thought about being with them, and even had strong feelings, perhaps love, for at least one, but, in all honesty, I prefer the male member....in short, I prefer my husband.

In Spirit and In Truth

Dinner time approaches and I haven't even practiced my singing for my audition next Tuesday, not enough hours in the day.  Every time I look for work, the door seems to get slammed shut, for no apparent reason.  Or, its just more of the waiting game.  The waiting game.  Don't you just love the waiting game?  Whatever your spiritual belief or in fact if you have none, you still hate the waiting game.  Its like waiting room, where you keep waiting for your name or  number to be called, so you can just get the hell out of there and get on with your life, because of course your mind races with all the other things you have to do that day.  Well, that reminds me of something that Bill and I have been reading in our daily devotionals: Be still! and KNOW--I AM--GOD.  Notice, the emphasis on the word "still", and how often do we complain, bipolar or no, how unstill our minds are.

Whatever the emphasis of spirituality, all those in leadership say that there should be some emphasis on stillness, prayer, readying your heart to hear from God.  And that God is not this grand explosion we should all be looking up for, but that something that starts calling us from the inside, tugging at our in most heartstrings.  Is he tugging at yours?  He's tugging at mine.  It reminds me of a scripture I read this morning:

"But the hour is now coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in Spirit and in Truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship Him.  God is Spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and truth."

Throughout this day, I have dealt with enough tension to drive even my 6 month old kitten away from my presence, and yes, the attivan helps get through the day, but it wasn't until I quieted myself with a good book and a glass of Cranberry juice.  (All natural, no sugar, organic, can we say, Cranberry cleanse?)  I picked up The Feminine Face Of God and was taken to their chapter on tools for the sacred garden.  This book inspired me when it said:

"Just as any plot of soil with seeds and sun and water can become a garden if there is a gardener, so can our lives come to spiritual maturity if we are willing to cultivitate them.  To cultivate, in its root form, means to inhabit, to dwell within.  Learning how to live the dailiness of our own lives while opening continually to the sacred seems to take practice--practice in opening, practice in listening, practice in waiting.  Practice also in obeying our inner direction,in speaking out when we are moved to do so, and in accepting responsibility and authority when we are called upon to be bold.  And practice also means celebrating and expressing gratitude and "making a joyful song unto the Lord".  When we enter such practices wholeheartedly, we bring to life another root meaning of cultivate: worship."


One thing that surprised me, well actually, it didn't.  See, my time in the Calvary Chapel world was spent mainly on my knees, not in sexual posing, but in prayerful repentence for that act.  I think many of my friends of that age were doing the same thing, just not admitting it.  And, yet, we pretend to be super spiritual and not talk about our indiscretions in anyway, that might damage our image of perfect sainthood.  So, we don't talk about what is really going on, which for the most part is, sex.  We don't talk about what is really going on in our heads, which for the most part is, sex.

This book writes: "I think the big, awful secret of the church and the synagogue today is that many of the religious don't know how to pray.  Sexuality is a minor issue next to this.  And, indeed, we seem to be much more comfortable talking about our sex lives than we are sharing information with each other about how we pray.  Perhaps this is because praying may be the most personal and intimate thing we do.  To pray is to be vulnerable.  And in deep, personal prayer we come to know our vulnerabilities in a way that strips us of all our defenses and pretenses.  That which is our very essence calls us into communion with mystery, and this joining is a supremely intimate experience."


So, the church should be more open about their sex life.  Most of you readers know that I had illicit affairs before marriage and because of the church held great shame in my heart because of that.  Well, this all changed when I met my husband, who I did have sex with before marriage...but with him, it was truly like saying a prayer.  There were some times when we were making love where we were united with God and could feel his presence with us.

But, to be clear, sex doesn't mean love and I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found my prince, also I had to wait eight years for that prince to come back to me.  But, girls, please don't think that because I say that prayer is like sex to go off and have sex with anyone and everyone.  That isn't the point, and I can assure you, will only end in pain.

But, what I want you to understand is this, I wish I had waited, not with my husband, but with the guys that came before him.  Because, and here we go back to the waiting room, I sat in that room and didn't look around for one guy for threee years.  I chose celibacy in order to get healthy and be whole.  I chose to focus, to pray, to meditate, and to listen for the Lord to bring the one into my life.  (And I can go back to the days before, when I swore the Lord gave me a promise that this one was the one I would marry).  But, still I had to wait, in that waiting room, with the old magazines with the perfumed ripped out of them and the crying babies, well, I learned to always take a book.  And I read, and read, and read.  And I learned a little something about myself, and about God, and about Jesus, and about others, and I also learned that I have way more to learn.

"And thus Abraham, having patiently waited, obtained the promise."

And in the waiting, I learned that the waiting is sometimes the best place for us, the most growing place.  Its the place that prepared me to be a wife because even with the trials I went through this last week, the attacks, and the tension, I know who my God is and I know that when trials come, as they do, you get on your knees and you pray, and when you do, God hears.  Well, God heard my prayers this week, and lots of doors got open with my mind, heart, and emotions, but also with our finances.  A job hasn't dropped into my hands yet but we will pray about that too.  And it'll come.  Good things come to those who wait.

And when I get downcast, weary, or depressed, I can turn to Hebrews and hear God tug at my heart, saying:

"We who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the anchor of our soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain."

So, dear friends, remember I am praying for you, drop me a line if you need a prayer...oh, and remember when you pray, remember to listen.