Romana Honors Her Rani

The Shape Of You

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels with me down every road

Having studied theatre in college due to my anxiety I never quite attained that dream, until I was cast in my first play in 2012, ten years after undergraduate graduation; "Working: The Musical".  It was through that amazing experience that I finally found my home, my calling assured, and, most importantly, in this entry, where I met my good friend, Catherine.  I cannot recall what our first conversation was, only that there was a time when she wasn't in my life, then there was a time when she was.  

When she met me, I was only a year into an abusive marriage and through the next few unfolding years, her steady presence, non-judgmental love, and delicious humor would brighten my life and give me the strength to 'kick the bastard to the curb'.  She was one of the first people I turned to and told that I had removed him from my life as well I was one of the first that she confided in about her first diagnosis with the big C.  

Like me, she was long-suffering in her approach to others, offering the benefit of the doubt according the nature of humanity.  She had her fair share of discomforts with certain types and shared them with me, asking for my thoughts on such with no sense of judgment and truly honoring my opinions.  She shared with me tales of her love affairs and woes, and I, in turn. 

In the times when I did not believe in my ability or my self worth, which was, in fact, the bulk of the entirety of our friendship, she never wavered in her belief in me, to achieve, heal, and thrive.  That belief and undying love moved me from strength upon strength and remains undying in this moment, although the situation of our connection has changed.  In the truest sense of love, I do not know where I would be if it weren't for Catherine.

She lost her battle with stage 4 cancer on April 23, 2021.  We all celebrated 60 years of her, relishing in her glory before us, on her birthday of February 24.  

What can I say, Catherine's loyalty and dedication was something I had come to rely on and only in the void of its absence due I realize the true import of it.  Throughout this last month, I have been pondering my time connected to Catherine, coming up with off-color jokes at her expense, finding myself wanting to apologize, then realizing, almost hearing, her deep, hearty laughter.  Because that was her, full of laughter, mirth, the warmth of love, but also tenderness, commitment, loyalty, and dedication never failing.

Never once did she complain during her years of suffering her illness, perhaps she did privately or with her family, but seemd to take all of life in stride with the gentle graceful acceptance of her good humor and wit.

In 2016, when I started into the world of film producing, she joined forces alongside me as the time lady, The Rani, a villian against my Romana and The Doctor, played by Nick Walker.  Once again, the dedication and thrill of performing was true to Catherine at every turn, in every film shoot or promotional photo call, with true humility and an authentic honesty.  She would also portray the ill-fated, Lady MacDuff, and would drive through Burger King after filming with her neck stab wound make-up in place, insisting to the employees that indeed she was "really in need of protein, look!"

Knowing Catherine off screen, the gentle-hearted, quick witted, honest, soulful woman was direct contrast to the evil, conniving Time Lady, but she did so divinely, effortlessly slipping into character when needed, then back to her joyous self.  On set, we laughed a lot, I gave her the freedom to adapt the script to help fulfill her character to the fullest.  She had more than her fair share of one-liners that are still deliciously quoted until this day, the best being, "We ain't got no God Damn live stock, Russ", from which was written, "We don't have any livestock, Russ!"  She put her original twist upon it giving it more life.  

A joke around set was that the spin-off sitcom series was that my character, Romana, and Susan (played by Q Gabumpa) would be the friends living in a New York apartment and The Rani would be the nosy next door neighbor that we loved to hate but never hated to love.  The three male time lords, The Doctor, The Master (played by Roy Rains), and The Lackey (of our creation, played by Russell Mitchell) would be the guys we put up with for good sport. 

I do not know the origin of the choosing of the title, The Rani, perhaps the original played Rani (Kate O'Mara) and the writer that created her story know such, but I do know the meaning of the Rani, "Queen".  To describe The Rani, driven and determined to have power and glory, defines that of a type of royalty, however, I believe Catherine held similar traits, although more altruistic.  She was driven and determined, but in the sense of fierce loyalty and dedication to those she loved and that which she loved most to do.  Once more, she was tender, creative, giving of herself, easy to be with, a good listener and advice giver, the true embodiment of positive royalty.  Like Lady Macduff who was more deserving of queendom than Lady Macbeth, Catherine was and is deserving of loving praises. 

Thus, forever after, Catherine will remain the Queen of Cafe-Girl Productions.

Reel of Catherine

Behind your eyes Are endless blue skies You travel places i want to come, too Each breath that you breathe Is a brush stroke that leads me to you So sleep Fall into nights indigo hue Believe me, its true There's nothing that I would not do For my dream is sweet dreams for you It seems far away But there once was a day It was grey in a world without you To this heart like a dove from above The miracle of your love found me

Sweet Dreams

 

The Reason for Being An Actress

The other day on Facebook a dear friend and fellow collaborator in the crazy art of acting and all things community theatre posted a comment about how a past character had once again surfaced and spoken something meaningful to his heart and while I can't completely understand his relationship, I can relate because I, too,  have a character that I internalized, that not only became real, but became so because she found herself in me and I  in her, where suddenly two 'became one' as it were, married to the art of getting the message across, the message of our mutual pain, weaknesses, sorrows, and also of our hopes and joys--

Yes, she was and is me as much as I am myself and playing her helped me to become more of myself.  I found more healing in her than ever on the couch of a therapist's office; more freedom and ability to release and truly let go---

And today, in certain moments, say walking down a city-street at night (however cliche that  may seem), I can sense her, understand her feelings of "walking the street", a sense of power mingled with shame.  Yet I can know honestly why a thing like that is done, to find that momentary healing from the loneliness, to feel wanted, appreciated for something; to catch a glimpse of true love---

And yet still there is that cold, quiet ever present emptiness silenced only by the aching need of a hungry belly and fragile heart, never satisfied, and in that, I can sense her gratitude for understanding.

Some time has passed since the show ended so the ache of missing her is not as sharp, but alas it is there and for that I am grateful, for that strange form of relationship--

That, I suppose, is the pay-off for us unpaid community theatre actors/actresses (hoping someday for that paycheck), for that intense character-work and self-discovery that is the process of our art.

My friend, Peter, played the man, John Merrick, and that is his character.  My friend/theatre mama, Becky, has an 19th century distinguised actress, and me, well, I'm a hooker!

Something to point to!

So, at church this morning, my Pastor
talked about investing in the spiritual and the earthly, as in what
lasts.  Even though we may want to build something on this earth for
our glory, it is not what matters....he referred to somebody building
a house with wood or metal and I thought of working....so, as I tried
to connect "something to point to" to God, the last portion of it
pointed to me, as in "look what I did, I did the job"...that was the
trouble.  So, this morning in church I rewrote it as this:

Look what God did,
See what's he done
He did the job!
He was the one!

I tell people about both of us having the faithfulness to pray before
every show, and then how most of the time, when we opened our eyes
there would be a whole group praying with us, unasked!! Those that
tell are as excited and pleased with that!!!

I hope our fellow thespians stop to think that "He" is who we point
to, and who did the "work" in the play, and in every part of our
life...

I pray and hope that we can always remember, in every instance and
circumstance whether joyful or troublesome, He is faithful and He will
do the work.

May we all have "Something to point to"...

"Working" your calling!

Well, as many of you know, a few weeks ago I ended a play entitled, "Working" based on a Studs Terkel novel.
I, of course, played the hooker, as you can understand, wait, what, was I type-cast?  So, in a sense, I have been in recovery mode since the play ended in what seems like ages ago, but really is a few weeks.  It was funny when I first got the part, I was feeling like I was the most uncommitted actor to this show.  I was more concerned with the actual business of making a living than "working", and yes, I admit, that many times I thought, "God, I can't do this, I can't pay the bills or make money if I have this obligation."  But over and over, I was told by God to see it through, that yes, there was a reason for everything and that it would work out as it is supposed to, even if I couldn't see it yet.  And, so, grinding my teeth, I pursued with, at least, a shred of faith masquerading as a whole lot.  (And isn't that all that God asks, that we have just an eensy-weensy bit of faith and he will supply the rest...)

So, I kept at it and strangely, my character and songs started to come upon me.  The character grew in me throughout the months leading up the late rehearsals and through the process of putting on the show.  And, surprisingly, the songs that I was sure I would never get, I memorized, danced, sang, and even put a little "drama' into them.  The funny thing, I began to learn a little bit about myself; how truly everything has a purpose, a season, and will work out for good in the end.

My history in theatre, and therefore in life, is one of various mountain peaks and potholes.  From the earliest of age, as soon as I could hold a pen, I was writing, creating, putting on plays, writing plays.  Without the understanding of Shakespeare or any formal training, at a tender age, I was constructing plays, and yes, sitcoms.  I kept dreaming of fame, fortune, success.  I took a few acting classes here and there, never was in any plays, but learned enough that it was something I wanted to do, something that made me feel good.  I also met some really amazing friends, to be specific, my little sister, Brooke!!

There was no drama department in my high school, really, in a high school and middle school population that came to approximately 120 students in totality, there was not really a department of anything, just a few classrooms here and there where we learned a thing or two.  (At one point, and this was before I was there, the school didn't even have walls (cubes), just open spaces with desks...and yeah, I guess the school realized that their system was 'really taking off" so they put up walls!)  So, in high school, I pursued outside forms of creativity, mainly voice and chorus.  Back then, my dream had always been to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" from The Wizard of Oz.  Dorothy is possibly my favorite character ever, Judy Garland is my favorite actress, and The Wizard of Oz is by far the greatest movie ever made and the best antidepressant ever (if you don't agree with me, we'll have to take this outside!)  So, yeah, for like an open house night, I sang "somewhere over the rainbow".  Looking back, that was the first time in my life (besides working one summer as a babysitter so I could attain my own phone line) where I realized that in faith, hard work, and diligence, dreams can come true, but let's stress mostly the faith in God and the Universe part mostly!

So, all through middle and high school, I was the awkward, dorky one that got teased a lot.  For whatever reason, I just didn't understand how to be in society, not that any of us did really at that age, or do now, but still there it is.  Maybe you can say it was because of "difficulty" at home that caused this lack of confidence and self esteem or blame it on a "chemical imbalance", who can tell? (In the beginning of high school, I got dragged without my consent to a psych doctor that put me on Ritalin and then prozac, never allowed to work through emotionally my problems, just told "take the meds and you will feel better").  But, as I see now, it all works out in the end.  My singing and love for creativity in all forms kept me going, when nothing else was working or felt right, somehow I found myself in that, and eventually led me on the path to my higher power, God, Jesus, the Great Spirit, what have you....and I met some pretty awesome friends along the way.

So, I got to my Senior year and I am about ready to graduate and my parents and I have this conversation about what to pursue.  They keep pushing me to write and to take classes in writing, and I say that I want to do acting and singing, and that I am already a good writer, and they say but with classes I can get better...but its still, yeah, I want to do this.
My first college year I landed at San Francisco State University, which is completely random and just weird that it ever happened, so much of me has changed since that first crazy year.  I took my GE classes (almost flunked out my first semester), took acting one, creative writing, and singing.  In acting, I was a shy and timid little girl that hungered for fame or what have you but was just too afraid to take a chance,  But, that year I had this drama teacher (Mr. Washington, not Denzel, I forget his first name) told me "you have the talent and can do it" (I remember that even if I don't remember his name, only that my friend, Heather and I, would mistakenly call him "denzel").

I left that school after a year, the first of my friends to leave.  For whatever reason, SFSU is a school where people don't really graduate, a few do, but most just pass through.  Its like a train station, you come in, stay for awhile, until the next train leads you on.  I picked up the skill of being in school and became comfortable in a big city, with new, crazy ideas and lifestyle choices, mostly Southern Californians who laughed at us Northern Calis because we said "hella".  I ended up back at my Junior College where I again pursued drama and writing amongst taking general ed requirements.  I was more comfortable in my drama class.  I liked the teacher and I liked my partner in dramatic crime, Michael.  Yeah, okay, so after the class ended, the teacher seduced me and then left me, forgot about me. and moved to the East Coast and yeah, because of that, I withdrew more and more into my pain, but hey, I learned about life and all its sorrows, and gained another great friend, who is in effect, a hanger-on.  (A friend that lasts plus decade and through whatever crap you throw at them or go through with them, they are still there smiling and holding your hand at the end of it, the hangers on!)  To be completely honest, this guy and the friends from SFSU never stopped encouraging me to follow my dreams, write, and pursue theatre even when I lost heart.

So, after a random running around through the streets of Europe, I ended up in Ashland, Oregon, the town I was born to live in, to attend Southern Oregon University, where, yes, I pursued theatre.  Because of the evil drama teacher experience, my anxiety started to set in.  I had to audition for acting one and I failed.  I lost heart and the anxiety grew worse and worse,  further more, I blamed myself for failing.  I became depressed. stressed, anxious all the time, and sick at heart.  About half way through that, fate dealt another hand of fortune by guiding me to take acting classes at RCC with a teacher by the name of John Cole.  Not knowing the exact nature of the turmoil I was going through, he gave me Nina from The Seagull to work on, and she has remained my character and her story has and is mine.  As I was abused my drama teachers and such, so was Nina mistreated by those in the fame and fortune world and her line:

"He didn't believe in the theatre, all my dreams he'd laugh at, and little by little I quit believing in it myself, and lost heart.  And there was the strain of love, jealousy, constant anxiety...I got to be small and trashy, and played without thinking..."

pretty much sums up all that was going on in my life, both internally and externally, at that time.

  I finally left theatre behind, seemingly forever, during my junior year and ended up in Human Communication.  (Met some great peeps too, a shout out to, Rick and Audrey, to name a few).  Along the way through the theatre craziness, I found God along the way, rather, he rescued me.

So, after college, I ended up teaching preschool and babysitting.  A part of me thought I was settling for what life could give me and that my dreams would never come true so just do whatever do what you can and hope something comes on, just make do and try to have some fun.  Looking back, I think working with children affected my outlook on life because it forced me to care for someone else's needs besides my own and so therefore took away any selfish ambition and made me focus on a greater sense of purpose, one that outlasts mine.  Yeah, I remember everybody saying you are making a difference in these kids lives, but, really, those kids made an even bigger difference in mine.

Around that time, I wandered purposelessly into a cafe (but remember everything has a reason) and fell in love with my soul mate.  However, I didn't know he was my soul mate and neither did he (everybody else saw it though) until well after I had moved far far away and several years and years of prayers and heartbreak later....thankfully he took me back or something.

So, I ended up getting dragged back to California on the insisting of my parents who, basically, signed me up for a teaching program at Sonoma State but, remember everything works for good, right? So, I ended up back in my home state of California, where I got a teaching credential, went crazy, faced my demons, made to feel more shame for myself than what God would want of me from the cults, I mean, churches I belonged to, apologized for the wrongs I had done and got blamed for the things I hadn't done, was given pills instead of getting help with the core issues, felt like I was seen as a "Jezebel"...until I could take it no longer and fate, the great hand of God, brought me back where I belong, Oregon, Ashland, home.

As Dorothy says when she returns home from OZ, I say about Calfornia:

"I remember some of it wasn't very nice at all, but most of it was beautiful...But all the same, all I kept saying to everyone was, was I want to go home (to Ashland) and they sent me home..."

Right after I left Oregon, I started writing this play about my time at the cafe where I met my true love.  I had no idea why I was writing it but I was pulled by some compulsion to write it and write it and keep writing it.  My friends would laugh at me and make jokes about it.  But, I was driven.  I thought, I don't know, there is a story here and I got to write it....but what was the story, that I loved this man whose name I have attached to mine and whose ring is on my finger.  A few months before he came back into my life, I finished that play after 6 years of endlessly writing it, throwing it aside, picking it up, editting, writing....and then done.  It seems strange to think about it now, that I could be so driven to write...but hey, everything has its purpose in the end.  I got everything I hoped for and yet more than I could ever imagine, like, more than I could ask or think...and yet the exact answer to my prayers and heart's desire.  And, its funny, as many as these friends from the cult, wait, church advised me to stay away from the "non-christian world" and specifically this man, I couldn't help praying, and waiting...and wondering if I would ever love, when he, my husband, is the only one that can understand me when no one else, even those who claim to be my family in Christ doesn't...perhaps they don't even really understand love at all or even God, but that's not my place to say...who are so hung up by their intrepretation of the scripture, and yes I was there too, they miss the real meaning of Christ's love, and to that  I have found in my 'scary-dark boy"...so, maybe these friends of mine are right, maybe I sinned by sleeping with him before marriage (shh...don't tell), but, you know, it all worked out in the end and as the song goes...'what I did for love..."  (Honestly, being married to my Mr. Weston has taught me so much about God's love and faithfulness and commitment to him, my vows, other people than any bible study or lecture ever could...hmm, who knew?)

So, in effect, Bill coming back into my life and marrying me and me coming back to Ashland is a "dream", an answer to prayers...and yet so much more.  And, something that through thick and thin, Bill and I try to do is to pursue our dreams, to follow our paths, to do what we love...and trust that everything else will fall into place, and it has....with faith, diligence, prayer, love, commitment, in the face of all adversity, when all else seems to fail and everything seems at the brink of extinction...our love and our faith brings us through and provides over and abundantly more than we ever thought...So much of my life, I was told to walk the line, to follow somebody else's plan for my life, their purpose and their definition of success for my life, whether it be my father's or the self-imposed religiousity of a few "christians" i knew, who would stand around and talk about how all they wanted to do was "serve God"....but in how?  In all of that, I never gave up my desire for theatre and writing...and felt laughed at or looked down upon for even thinking of that or pushed into an area that didn't really fit for me but was somebody else's imposed direction for my life...

So, finally, as God opens doors, I go through them day by day, inch by inch with faith and hope for the best and trust...and I learn a few things about myself, God, and love.

A few years ago,  I decided that I was unable to work due to the necessity to get healthy and made the choice to go on disability.  The first thing I realized was "what is my purpose if not to work" and how to explain who I am without a job.  I actually experienced this in real life, when after introducing myself to someone,  they asked "so what do you do?"
And, in that moment, I had no idea what to say...so I began to think and came to the conclusion, as Amanda McKenney (a character in Working) says "Jobs aren't big enough for people", in effect, our job is not our identity.  And learned, as she puts it, "I am Julia, at certain points in time, I do things for a living."

Okay, after Amanda says her bit, and her SATAN boss comes in and talks about his VALUES, like 20 minutes or so later, I come on dressed as THE HOOKER and say "you become your job"  and the funny thing is, I, kind of, can see that now, but strangely in a positive way.

Like I was saying, Bill and I encourage each other to follow our dreams and our choice of paths, passions, desires, loves and so too I encourage my friends to do the same, and hopefully, they are as blessed as well.  But, even so, I still dont' want to define myself as a job, but lately, I have picked up several roles or positions and would willingly accept them as a title, because after all they are my choice, my passion, and will follow the roads they take me on as life goes alone...these hats I wear, roles I play are actress, writer, nanny, teacher, wife, kitty-mommy, friend, sister, aunt, so yes, when you look at in this light, you become your job....and for this, I am grateful.

I am also grateful for Bill and his love and friendship and for just being himself around me, and once again for the hangers-on.  I wouldn't be where I am without them, their encouragement, their patience, their love...to name a few,Frank Cristofer Montague , Woo Baby, Lee Lancaster, Tony Fleisher, and even for those that life directed us apart for a time but have brought us back together, such as Corky Gardner and Michelle Gray and, yes, John Cole

My advice to you, whether you be starting out in your adventure or on a new path, follow your dreams, your passions, your hearts...do what you love and the rest will follow, and remember as Nina says:

"Now I know, I understand, (Kostya), that in our work--acting or writing--what matters is not fame, not glory, not what I used to dream about, its how to endure, to bear my cross, and have faith.  I have faith and it all doesn't hurt me so much, and when I think of my calling I'm not afraid of life."

And remember, these three remain, faith, hope, and love...and the greatest of these is love.