Who is God, to me?

In my past life, I was a fundamentalist.

I mean, past life in the sense, of the chapter of time prior to moving back to Oregon, the marriage, the divorce, and the name change.  I mean, fundamentalist, not in the current meaning or even in a slanderous way for my more conservative minded friends, but more in the state of emotional being I was in, wound up in striving to be perfect and spiritually impressive to those around, in short, better than the rest of them, all while feigning happiness with a plastered on smile.

In actuality, I was miserable inside.  I was miserable because I was too caught up in what others thought of me and seeking to please those around me, above me with "power over me", meaning the church.  Ultimately, I was miserable because I wasn't honest with myself, who I truly was inside, who God(ess) had made me to be but was trying to be who I was supposed to be: the good little Christian woman who teaches Sunday School, doesn't swear, goes to daily prayer meetings, and uses all the popular Christianeze lingo.

What was I not honest with myself about, ashamed about even, and what I strove so hard to hide from others was myself.  Sadly, I hid from myself even more than from others.

I've spoken about my "bisexuality" leanings.  In truth, I've spent years trying to figure this part of me out.  Would I ever truly want to have sex with a woman? The answer comes back to a resounding no.  But the fact of the matter is, I am still attracted to the women.  This isn't inherently wrong in itself.  I've spent years trying to come to terms with that.  (At one point I was, until I "found Jesus" and was suddenly more conflicted with myself and my sexuality through the influence of the controlling force that is the church.)  Ultimately, I think the new term, or rather new to me, is the concept of pan-sexuality.  No, that doesn't mean one who has sex with pans but rather one who believes that love is possible with more than one gender.  Then, it follows that I am pansexual with a preference towards that male species.  (To be completely honest, I wish that I could be a lesbian at times, merely because women these days seem so amazingly strong and awesome, but alas, its men that attract me.  I think, perhaps, its because their minor awesomeness needs my overwhelmingly powerful degree of awesomeness to seem even remotely as awesome as me, well, maybe.  Maybe, its just that I like cock, who knows?)

But, I digress...

I think also I was trying to hide my heart's desire for choice of career, choosing than to force myself into the pigeon-hole of acceptable women's role as a teacher.  This, as previously mentioned, led to my mental breakdown.  Now, that I have found my life calling as an actress, singer, and performer extraordinaire, I have found the true happiness and sense of self I always knew was there but could never fully grasp.  In short, I am living the life I always wanted but never dreamed possible.

And finally, I am not in need of anything; I am completely at peace with myself.

I think that comes from being completely honest with myself, with the Divine Spirit, and with others.  I do not wish to hide any part of myself and have no real reason for that.  I strive to be the same person on the street, out and about, as I am in my own living room.  This is a lofty goal but a worthy one at that.  I seek to live a life of love and laughter, to love my friends and family, and to make a difference in as many people's lives as possible in the short amount of time I have on this swiftly turning planet.  I desire to be remembered not only as an amazing actress but more importantly as an amazing friend.

I have reached a point in my life where I do not regret any part of my life.  Any of it.  Not one bit.  Not the fundamental crazy years, not the "sex outside of marriage", not the druggie years, not the mad mad bipolar years, not even the abusive marriage ending in divorce years.  Not any of it.  It made me who I am and I can say that I have truly tried to be real and honest with every person that played a part in those chapters of my life.  I can honestly say that to the best of my ability at the time, I sought to "live truthfully" in those circumstances (not just on-stage.)

I have truly loved, truly lived, and laughed a lot along the way.  And cried.  I have found that it is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  I feel very blessed with the knowledge that the depths of life I have gone through (good and bad) may be more than what others have experienced, but they have made me richer and more real.

And now, I come to the part where I answer that question, "Who is God, to me?"  I think that that is a question we all must come to at some point in our lives.  Not what the church, our family, or society tells us to believe, but who the divine is to us.  That is the prayer of my heart these days for myself and for all of my friends, regardless of backgrounds and religious leanings or lack thereof.

I never felt completely comfortable addressing God with the masculine because I honestly always believed God to be genderless, or rather, above gender.  But, I have come to the realization that at one time I needed to address God in the masculine in order to heal my "daddy issues" as it were and find a positive father figure.  Now, it seems I am drawn to "her".  For this reason, I now say (s)he or merely pray to the divine feminine.  This now I think to heal any issues I have with my mother and to finally understand my own self worth as a female.  I see this time that we are living as the time of the sacred feminine.  In my journal and prayers, I address the divine as "Lord, God, Jesus, Spirit, Goddess, Universe" and end my prayers with "in the name of the divine".  This is merely concurrent with my own new spiritual discoveries.

It comes to this.  I am happy and finally at peace.  I truly finally believe that (s)he, the Divine Spirit, is not angry with me with my past, present, or future choices.  S(he) wants to aid in my creative endeavors and continue to guide me on the journey s(he) has destined for me.  I trust in her/his will for my life completely.  I know that s(he) knows what is best for my life and more than that has a path of abundance and prosperity laid out before me.

In this, I trust.  In this, I rest.  In this, I have peace.

The Truth, as I see it, or something like that

"He walked with me in peace and equity, And turned many away from iniquity."
--Malachi 2:6

I think the point of this scripture, to me, is found in the last line "turned many away from iniquity", which is found when we, as people who believe in God and, even, Jesus, walk in peace and equity with all man.  But, I ask you, how can you do this, when we "Christians", who claim to follow the teachings of Christ, march on the street or boycott businesses that treat human beings as less than because their lifestyle, choice, beliefs seem contrary to ours or our intrepretation of the Bible.  How is that reflecting the one we claim to serve and love and worship?  How is that turning one away from the presumed iniquity?  I am speaking primarily of the "homosexual agenda" but this could be any particular sin.

The scripture you rampant "Jesus freaks" (notice, in quotation) claim as proof of this is found in Romans 1ish:

"Likewise also men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due."

First of, that is one scripture among many.  Second of, in my recollection, that is the words of Paul, who yes, has some good things to say, but, and must I say this boldly, IS NOT JESUS!!!  So, if he is not Jesus, and Jesus is the main thing, then why put such stock on Paul when even he said, plainly, to follow Christ, not him.

And what is the message of Christ but love, peace, grace....and how does he reach people with those love, how does he convert, or change, or "save", but, my dear friends, in relationship.

So, without further ado, I have finally come to the conclusion that homosexuality in itself is not sin, but sin is what separates us from God.  For example, I have a very dear little lesbian friend (little because she is, hi! hi!) who I believe is more connected with Jesus because of her love for her fiance, her family, her friends, and understanding of herself in relation to God.  Well, actually, its my intuition when I talk to her, I just know that nothing separates her from God and isn't, even with her choice of sexuality.

But, then I know of several Christians who, based on my once again intuition who seem further away from God, based on the sin of judgment and hatred...controlling behaviors which is contrary to God, because remember its his will not ours.  But, I digress...

I think it is more of a sin if one tries to separate those who are brought together by God (for example, my darling love and I, a truth that was spoken to me several years ago "what God has brought together, let man not separate") and I speak of all relations.  It's not our responsiblity, people!

I strive to be a Christian that would make Gandhi desire to "drink the kool-aid", not really just a real authentic example of Christ in every way so that my man, Gandhi and those lie him would actually like me for the very truth that I act in the same way as Christ (isn't that the key here?)

Sin is what separates you from God--He is love, hatred is the opposite of love, so therefore hatred is the opposite of God, so as God is the redeemer of our hearts, then if we carry the burden of hate in our hearts (and I am speaking of my heart, truthfully), then we are not in the right place of God and we must confess---everyone of us, for hate towards others--

So, one scripture speaks against homosexuality, and once again, that is Paul, not Jesus.  It says "left the naturaly use' meaning male to female, yet if homosexuality is a sin and we are all "born in sin" naturally, then why is it not possible to be born gay? Hmm...food for thought! Then, homosexuality for some is natural---so then the natural use!! (Remember, we are all sinners!) And really, the worse kind of sexual immorality, adultery and even more so, child abuse (You burn in hell for that, folks, and me being a teacher/child care worker, hell will hath no fury like a teacher who discovers you have done that!)

The real reason for this rambling (sorry so long) is the true message of the Bible is the words of Christ, not Paul or anyone else, and all other voices should be drowned out by his (as should be in all our lives) and his message is:

"LOVE, GRACE, MERCY, and INCLUSION"

(We are all sinners, remember!!)

So, those that have that 'pure love', even the "gays", yes have more of a relationship and the spirit of God, Christ-likeness than Christians who forget the one who they are called by---the one who they are supposed to be like

Funny, gay means happy! Shouldn't we all be gay?  And the rainbow, the banner of diversity, isn't it also a promise of God's love and grace and mercy?

And, yeah, if the supposed individuals who we claim to be sinners, (remember one pointing finger outwards has three pointing back), isn't it God's job to change their hearts?  Why, then, do we use the Word of God as a weapon instead of a tool for our own salvation, our own recovery, then? Hmm...food for thought!

So, once again, I say plainly, it is not our responsibility to save, but God's, and in that it is not our duty to correct, but to trust that God has a purpose and a plan for all our stumblings, confusion...Remember, we are not all perfect and don't understand his purpose and plan?

All this is not to call out or condemn (for both sides of the equation, so if I offended any, well, there is the chance that I offended both which seems more fair and balanced (hi! hi!) but to openly confess my own 'backslidings'

Yes, I confess and openly admit: I am a Christian, fallible, judgmental, hypocrital, but I strive every day to extend the love and grace and actually walk HIS TALK, not mine!

Secondly, I am or seem to be of sorts, bipolar (which in the eyes of some is not real, but sin)

Thirdly, here goes nothing:

I openly admit and confess that I am....bisexual....and proud....

He who has ears to hear, let him hear....

*Disclaimer: the way I see it, love is love.  We are not in love with the physicality or the body, but the soul.  In this lifetime, that can take either gender.  So, yes, I find women attractive, have thought about being with them, and even had strong feelings, perhaps love, for at least one, but, in all honesty, I prefer the male member....in short, I prefer my husband.