Awhile back, about a month ago, I must admit now, shamefacedly, I laid on the floor, spread my legs, and looked at my vagina through a mirror. I must admit this was the first time in over ten years since I've done this looking, and since then my idea of what my vagina really looks like was somewhat of a mirage, I had a crazy image of something pink, in many ways like the younger pre-adolescent version of my pussy, or ones that the girl babies have whose diapers I have changed in the past.
Thoughts, well, first shame that I must admit this and that its taken me ten plus years to get down and dirty and look, really look. The realization of years spent in fear of what I would see or feel, as if my own power, strength and femininity is a sign of weakness or source of sin and not that of a personal attribute I should wholeheartedly claim with utmost righteousness. And, in the looking, I finally claim that victory at last.
So, what did I see? Well, besides an old shrivelled man wearing a turban, a flower, more specifically a rose bud about to bloom. Yes, it went back and forth between the turban man and the rose and I tried to force myself to see the rose, as if that would be more spiritual. Then, found myself reprimanding myself for forcing myself to feel or think anything, just let the thoughts, feelings, or what have you come naturally.
So, I looked. And what I saw was that that the vagina I see today is a lot more cleaner and healthier than it was so many years ago and with that I feel a source of pride increasing swelling within me.
The image of the rose stays with me. So many years back, in college, with my first true experience with the divine (or as I called it then "came to know the Lord), laying on the bed in my apartment with my boyfriend, I saw a vision of two long stem red roses placed in my hands...and then since that moment the rose has been a beacon of the divine, a source of true abiding love. As I discover a deeper sense of my spiritual understandings, continue to mine deeply my source I look within, and see in so many capacities how I am 'the rose', this year setting forth already that as focus, the new desire to love myself first and the ability to love myself truly as a vessel of light, truth, and real love.
In the passage of the time, in all I have been through, pain and laughter, tears and love, I find healing in finally finding my true self, my calling, the divine rose.
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