After the Vagina Diaries and the Vagina Monologues were over, when I set out to write more of a spiritual-minded focus, I envisioned something like "the psychic diaries" or something of that nature, a daily entry following my progress in the realm of all things spiritual, a concrete guideline of sorts.
But, I'm starting to see that spirituality in all of its outpourings is anything but concrete or easily defined, but is truly infinite and limitless. Those moments of divine inspiration as it were happen along the way, when you're driving to work, running errands, cleaning out the kitty litter box, or other times doing something truly spiritual such as meditating or praying.
The point is, spiritual inspiration and learning is not something one can whip up at a moment's notice but is something that is both surprisingly spontaneous and meditative.
Thus, the lesson that has making its way in my head for the last few weeks has been simply that of "Finish Well." Just those two simple words are what propel me forward.
Awhile back, I started the process of renewing my substitute credential. (For those who don't know, I was certified to teach elementary school back in California and did for a short while before going utterly bonkers based on the fact that that just wasn't for me!) Teaching in anyway is not a desirable career focus for me and is, in fact, the back-up day-job. There are so many more things I'd rather do to earn money. Loving children, as I do, is not the issue. I really just don't enjoy teaching, good as it as I may be, I really don't.
So, why am I keeping on with the renewal process, despite the crazy hoops I still have to go through to achieve that in no way whatsoever desired goal?
Because I started it. And, the Universe, God (dess), the Divine is pressing on me to finish well. For reasons that I do not know, because I foresee more work coming to me in the areas of my passion in a lucrative sense. But, who knows? All I know is what I'm supposed to do this minute, to finish well.
That's what's defined as faith, I guess.
Showing posts with label Divine Spirit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Divine Spirit. Show all posts
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Become the Rose
Vagina Diaries Day 5
Awhile back, about a month ago, I must admit now, shamefacedly, I laid on the floor, spread my legs, and looked at my vagina through a mirror. I must admit this was the first time in over ten years since I've done this looking, and since then my idea of what my vagina really looks like was somewhat of a mirage, I had a crazy image of something pink, in many ways like the younger pre-adolescent version of my pussy, or ones that the girl babies have whose diapers I have changed in the past.
Thoughts, well, first shame that I must admit this and that its taken me ten plus years to get down and dirty and look, really look. The realization of years spent in fear of what I would see or feel, as if my own power, strength and femininity is a sign of weakness or source of sin and not that of a personal attribute I should wholeheartedly claim with utmost righteousness. And, in the looking, I finally claim that victory at last.
So, what did I see? Well, besides an old shrivelled man wearing a turban, a flower, more specifically a rose bud about to bloom. Yes, it went back and forth between the turban man and the rose and I tried to force myself to see the rose, as if that would be more spiritual. Then, found myself reprimanding myself for forcing myself to feel or think anything, just let the thoughts, feelings, or what have you come naturally.
So, I looked. And what I saw was that that the vagina I see today is a lot more cleaner and healthier than it was so many years ago and with that I feel a source of pride increasing swelling within me.
Awhile back, about a month ago, I must admit now, shamefacedly, I laid on the floor, spread my legs, and looked at my vagina through a mirror. I must admit this was the first time in over ten years since I've done this looking, and since then my idea of what my vagina really looks like was somewhat of a mirage, I had a crazy image of something pink, in many ways like the younger pre-adolescent version of my pussy, or ones that the girl babies have whose diapers I have changed in the past.
Thoughts, well, first shame that I must admit this and that its taken me ten plus years to get down and dirty and look, really look. The realization of years spent in fear of what I would see or feel, as if my own power, strength and femininity is a sign of weakness or source of sin and not that of a personal attribute I should wholeheartedly claim with utmost righteousness. And, in the looking, I finally claim that victory at last.
So, what did I see? Well, besides an old shrivelled man wearing a turban, a flower, more specifically a rose bud about to bloom. Yes, it went back and forth between the turban man and the rose and I tried to force myself to see the rose, as if that would be more spiritual. Then, found myself reprimanding myself for forcing myself to feel or think anything, just let the thoughts, feelings, or what have you come naturally.
So, I looked. And what I saw was that that the vagina I see today is a lot more cleaner and healthier than it was so many years ago and with that I feel a source of pride increasing swelling within me.
The image of the rose stays with me. So many years back, in college, with my first true experience with the divine (or as I called it then "came to know the Lord), laying on the bed in my apartment with my boyfriend, I saw a vision of two long stem red roses placed in my hands...and then since that moment the rose has been a beacon of the divine, a source of true abiding love. As I discover a deeper sense of my spiritual understandings, continue to mine deeply my source I look within, and see in so many capacities how I am 'the rose', this year setting forth already that as focus, the new desire to love myself first and the ability to love myself truly as a vessel of light, truth, and real love.
In the passage of the time, in all I have been through, pain and laughter, tears and love, I find healing in finally finding my true self, my calling, the divine rose.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Who is God, to me?
In my past life, I was a fundamentalist.
I mean, past life in the sense, of the chapter of time prior to moving back to Oregon, the marriage, the divorce, and the name change. I mean, fundamentalist, not in the current meaning or even in a slanderous way for my more conservative minded friends, but more in the state of emotional being I was in, wound up in striving to be perfect and spiritually impressive to those around, in short, better than the rest of them, all while feigning happiness with a plastered on smile.
In actuality, I was miserable inside. I was miserable because I was too caught up in what others thought of me and seeking to please those around me, above me with "power over me", meaning the church. Ultimately, I was miserable because I wasn't honest with myself, who I truly was inside, who God(ess) had made me to be but was trying to be who I was supposed to be: the good little Christian woman who teaches Sunday School, doesn't swear, goes to daily prayer meetings, and uses all the popular Christianeze lingo.
What was I not honest with myself about, ashamed about even, and what I strove so hard to hide from others was myself. Sadly, I hid from myself even more than from others.
I've spoken about my "bisexuality" leanings. In truth, I've spent years trying to figure this part of me out. Would I ever truly want to have sex with a woman? The answer comes back to a resounding no. But the fact of the matter is, I am still attracted to the women. This isn't inherently wrong in itself. I've spent years trying to come to terms with that. (At one point I was, until I "found Jesus" and was suddenly more conflicted with myself and my sexuality through the influence of the controlling force that is the church.) Ultimately, I think the new term, or rather new to me, is the concept of pan-sexuality. No, that doesn't mean one who has sex with pans but rather one who believes that love is possible with more than one gender. Then, it follows that I am pansexual with a preference towards that male species. (To be completely honest, I wish that I could be a lesbian at times, merely because women these days seem so amazingly strong and awesome, but alas, its men that attract me. I think, perhaps, its because their minor awesomeness needs my overwhelmingly powerful degree of awesomeness to seem even remotely as awesome as me, well, maybe. Maybe, its just that I like cock, who knows?)
But, I digress...
I think also I was trying to hide my heart's desire for choice of career, choosing than to force myself into the pigeon-hole of acceptable women's role as a teacher. This, as previously mentioned, led to my mental breakdown. Now, that I have found my life calling as an actress, singer, and performer extraordinaire, I have found the true happiness and sense of self I always knew was there but could never fully grasp. In short, I am living the life I always wanted but never dreamed possible.
And finally, I am not in need of anything; I am completely at peace with myself.
I think that comes from being completely honest with myself, with the Divine Spirit, and with others. I do not wish to hide any part of myself and have no real reason for that. I strive to be the same person on the street, out and about, as I am in my own living room. This is a lofty goal but a worthy one at that. I seek to live a life of love and laughter, to love my friends and family, and to make a difference in as many people's lives as possible in the short amount of time I have on this swiftly turning planet. I desire to be remembered not only as an amazing actress but more importantly as an amazing friend.
I have reached a point in my life where I do not regret any part of my life. Any of it. Not one bit. Not the fundamental crazy years, not the "sex outside of marriage", not the druggie years, not the mad mad bipolar years, not even the abusive marriage ending in divorce years. Not any of it. It made me who I am and I can say that I have truly tried to be real and honest with every person that played a part in those chapters of my life. I can honestly say that to the best of my ability at the time, I sought to "live truthfully" in those circumstances (not just on-stage.)
I have truly loved, truly lived, and laughed a lot along the way. And cried. I have found that it is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I feel very blessed with the knowledge that the depths of life I have gone through (good and bad) may be more than what others have experienced, but they have made me richer and more real.
And now, I come to the part where I answer that question, "Who is God, to me?" I think that that is a question we all must come to at some point in our lives. Not what the church, our family, or society tells us to believe, but who the divine is to us. That is the prayer of my heart these days for myself and for all of my friends, regardless of backgrounds and religious leanings or lack thereof.
I never felt completely comfortable addressing God with the masculine because I honestly always believed God to be genderless, or rather, above gender. But, I have come to the realization that at one time I needed to address God in the masculine in order to heal my "daddy issues" as it were and find a positive father figure. Now, it seems I am drawn to "her". For this reason, I now say (s)he or merely pray to the divine feminine. This now I think to heal any issues I have with my mother and to finally understand my own self worth as a female. I see this time that we are living as the time of the sacred feminine. In my journal and prayers, I address the divine as "Lord, God, Jesus, Spirit, Goddess, Universe" and end my prayers with "in the name of the divine". This is merely concurrent with my own new spiritual discoveries.
It comes to this. I am happy and finally at peace. I truly finally believe that (s)he, the Divine Spirit, is not angry with me with my past, present, or future choices. S(he) wants to aid in my creative endeavors and continue to guide me on the journey s(he) has destined for me. I trust in her/his will for my life completely. I know that s(he) knows what is best for my life and more than that has a path of abundance and prosperity laid out before me.
In this, I trust. In this, I rest. In this, I have peace.
I mean, past life in the sense, of the chapter of time prior to moving back to Oregon, the marriage, the divorce, and the name change. I mean, fundamentalist, not in the current meaning or even in a slanderous way for my more conservative minded friends, but more in the state of emotional being I was in, wound up in striving to be perfect and spiritually impressive to those around, in short, better than the rest of them, all while feigning happiness with a plastered on smile.
In actuality, I was miserable inside. I was miserable because I was too caught up in what others thought of me and seeking to please those around me, above me with "power over me", meaning the church. Ultimately, I was miserable because I wasn't honest with myself, who I truly was inside, who God(ess) had made me to be but was trying to be who I was supposed to be: the good little Christian woman who teaches Sunday School, doesn't swear, goes to daily prayer meetings, and uses all the popular Christianeze lingo.
What was I not honest with myself about, ashamed about even, and what I strove so hard to hide from others was myself. Sadly, I hid from myself even more than from others.
I've spoken about my "bisexuality" leanings. In truth, I've spent years trying to figure this part of me out. Would I ever truly want to have sex with a woman? The answer comes back to a resounding no. But the fact of the matter is, I am still attracted to the women. This isn't inherently wrong in itself. I've spent years trying to come to terms with that. (At one point I was, until I "found Jesus" and was suddenly more conflicted with myself and my sexuality through the influence of the controlling force that is the church.) Ultimately, I think the new term, or rather new to me, is the concept of pan-sexuality. No, that doesn't mean one who has sex with pans but rather one who believes that love is possible with more than one gender. Then, it follows that I am pansexual with a preference towards that male species. (To be completely honest, I wish that I could be a lesbian at times, merely because women these days seem so amazingly strong and awesome, but alas, its men that attract me. I think, perhaps, its because their minor awesomeness needs my overwhelmingly powerful degree of awesomeness to seem even remotely as awesome as me, well, maybe. Maybe, its just that I like cock, who knows?)
But, I digress...
I think also I was trying to hide my heart's desire for choice of career, choosing than to force myself into the pigeon-hole of acceptable women's role as a teacher. This, as previously mentioned, led to my mental breakdown. Now, that I have found my life calling as an actress, singer, and performer extraordinaire, I have found the true happiness and sense of self I always knew was there but could never fully grasp. In short, I am living the life I always wanted but never dreamed possible.
And finally, I am not in need of anything; I am completely at peace with myself.
I think that comes from being completely honest with myself, with the Divine Spirit, and with others. I do not wish to hide any part of myself and have no real reason for that. I strive to be the same person on the street, out and about, as I am in my own living room. This is a lofty goal but a worthy one at that. I seek to live a life of love and laughter, to love my friends and family, and to make a difference in as many people's lives as possible in the short amount of time I have on this swiftly turning planet. I desire to be remembered not only as an amazing actress but more importantly as an amazing friend.
I have reached a point in my life where I do not regret any part of my life. Any of it. Not one bit. Not the fundamental crazy years, not the "sex outside of marriage", not the druggie years, not the mad mad bipolar years, not even the abusive marriage ending in divorce years. Not any of it. It made me who I am and I can say that I have truly tried to be real and honest with every person that played a part in those chapters of my life. I can honestly say that to the best of my ability at the time, I sought to "live truthfully" in those circumstances (not just on-stage.)
I have truly loved, truly lived, and laughed a lot along the way. And cried. I have found that it is truly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I feel very blessed with the knowledge that the depths of life I have gone through (good and bad) may be more than what others have experienced, but they have made me richer and more real.
And now, I come to the part where I answer that question, "Who is God, to me?" I think that that is a question we all must come to at some point in our lives. Not what the church, our family, or society tells us to believe, but who the divine is to us. That is the prayer of my heart these days for myself and for all of my friends, regardless of backgrounds and religious leanings or lack thereof.
I never felt completely comfortable addressing God with the masculine because I honestly always believed God to be genderless, or rather, above gender. But, I have come to the realization that at one time I needed to address God in the masculine in order to heal my "daddy issues" as it were and find a positive father figure. Now, it seems I am drawn to "her". For this reason, I now say (s)he or merely pray to the divine feminine. This now I think to heal any issues I have with my mother and to finally understand my own self worth as a female. I see this time that we are living as the time of the sacred feminine. In my journal and prayers, I address the divine as "Lord, God, Jesus, Spirit, Goddess, Universe" and end my prayers with "in the name of the divine". This is merely concurrent with my own new spiritual discoveries.
It comes to this. I am happy and finally at peace. I truly finally believe that (s)he, the Divine Spirit, is not angry with me with my past, present, or future choices. S(he) wants to aid in my creative endeavors and continue to guide me on the journey s(he) has destined for me. I trust in her/his will for my life completely. I know that s(he) knows what is best for my life and more than that has a path of abundance and prosperity laid out before me.
In this, I trust. In this, I rest. In this, I have peace.
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