Vagina Diaries Day 1

January 1st, 2015

So, here goes my brave venture into opening up my thoughts on my vagina.  When I first started talking about this to friends, that my next play was the "Vagina Monologues" and that I had started a daily Vagina diary I got some mixed reviews.  Very few were excited about this venture and happy for me, but most were shocked and hurried off before more could be said on the conversation.  One was a young 14 year old girl.  This saddened me that there is so much shame around a part of our bodies, a vital part not just for our physiology but to our emotional, mental, and spiritual understandings of ourselves as women.  Furthermore, the degradation of our vagina and all its components contributes to our influence and position in society as a whole.  We are looked down upon as the weaker sex, so to speak.

I speak for myself mostly.  Back in college, Vagina Monologues was the only play I did and not very successfully in my eyes in today's standards (for me personally).  But, it stuck with me and that is why I have wanted since I got back on 'the boards' to do it again.  I'm older now and I said a few days ago on facebook, I've been around the block a bit more.  In that time, I know I've gotten more comfortable with my vagina as a part of myself as well as grown comfortable with my femininity as an aspect of personal strength and empowerment, despite the times in the fundamentalist environment.  However, perhaps due to that spree in the conservative church-world, there are still aspects of myself hanging on at the fringes that don't understand about that part of myself, or find it disgusting, confusing, shameful.

I have grown a little.  For starters, being a little more open about my interest in the fairer sex, not that I would ever "go there", but I must admit there is and has always been a little attraction.  I think the issue of sexuality runs on a spectrum and I'm more lined up with the hetero-side with sparks into the bisexuality.  After ten plus years of dating and even a marriage in there, and never once even kissing a girl, I think I can at last say that the interest lies mostly at speculation.  So there's that, at least and at last, I can be honest about that.  And, I think that that in no way takes away from my issues of faith or spirituality (falling more in line with the progressive or liberal bent these days) but in fact adds to it, the fact that I can be honest with myself and others affirms my relationship with a higher power, of sorts.

But, there is one thing that I must admit at my age that I still don't get.  Okay, here it is, I don't really know all the parts of the vagina and how it all works.  Like, if you asked me where and what the clit is, I'd have to admit I didn't know or had a vague idea of where it was, you know, somewhere "down there".  I mean, the fact is, I've always treated it as some sort of dirty little secret but must admit I've gotten better in this area, finally allowing myself to explore the region through masturbation by myself and in front of my boyfriend.  (Too much information? Well, look at the subject matter!)

Anyway, I think that will be the first aspect and focus of my two month long (or so, who knows it could run after the show) discovery, just getting to know the physical aspect of my vagina, inside and outside.  Being able to label and then point to the different parts both by looking and by feel will be the first step in my healing and acceptance of my womanly essence.  From there, I will allow naturally any other spiritual and/or emotional thoughts to flow freely, come what may let's see how this thing develops.

I did allow myself one lay down on the bathroom floor, legs spread apart, with a mirror.  First thought, after I tried to "label" the parts at first go was, what's the big deal? I mean, what do straight guys and lesbians see in this shriveled pinkish body part, where not only do girls urinate from but also once a month for about 7 days give or take a few bleed from.  I don't see the attraction although the benefits of their desire (mostly from men) I am thankful for.  I put it before, hetero guys and lesbo chicks, why?

So, here's what I want to discover, why is this body part so shameful overall in society? How can I break free from this viewpoint and be able to firmly grasp my feminine strength and power? How can I help others to have this freedom throughout this process? (This blog, perhaps? Who knows?)

That's all for today.  More tomorrow.