For My Ex-Husband,
I have seen you around town a couple times of recent, thus, I take it that you are now living here again. Thus, it is vitally important that I express the truth of who I am and what you are to me now.
I am not who I was when I knew you before and during our marriage. When we were together, you attempted to silence, nullify, control me. In a blinding rage our of your sheer paranoia and low self esteem, you sought to undermine, use, and abuse. All this, while I paid all the bills, kept the cabinets full of the food you requested, cooked, cleaned, tried my best to appease, console, your various medical complaints and concerns. That's right, if you recall, I got you an MRI near Salem and took time off work to drive you there. Yet, nothing ever was good enough. The more I bent over backward, the more you raged on, blaming me for everything. In the briefest of moments, you were the sweet man I fell in love with, suddenly sharply turning into the darkest of nightmares, feeling emotionally trapped akin to the time you physically pinned me against the wall screaming over me whilst I sobbed.
Yeah, that's the truth of it. No matter how you try to lie it away, deceiving others, placing the blame on myself and others continuously, that won't work for me anymore.
After I, sobbing, kicked you out of my life, that fateful Oscar Sunday 2013, tears streaming down my face, on our doorstep, then a few days later, filed a restraining order, my life has continued upwards, despite minor setbacks of other emotional abuse. .
For the last ten years and counting, I live with the most loyal, sympathetic, and lovingly patient life partner. He has his share of struggles but he makes up for it in his willingness to grow, evolve, and I love him for that. A few years ago, we came to a dark impasse in our relationship, which almost broke us, but a depth of love beckoned us to continue, to help each other heal, to listen, to hold, to grow, to evolve. We have two adorable kitty cats, a beautiful home with an outstanding view many remark upon and I never tire of, and a wonderful community of creative and supportive friends, a chosen family.
I have an amazing sporty, safe, little red Chevrolet sonic, as well as a little Kia Rio. I have an active garden where I harvest food from the land.
Since 2016, I have evolved from 'just' an actress to life as an indie film-maker and together with some beautiful friends have created a wide body of work, available far and wide, for viewing, including the story I talked about when we were together. The character from that story, Jane, then Romana, helped me awaken, lost girl no more. In addition, I have been actively a part of many theatre and film productions across Northern California and throughout Oregon. I have made a very successful and budding career as a professional art model. I could go on...
But, what I want to express is this, not only have I achieved my dreams, I have gone beyond all that I could ever imagine possible. I have found my inner strength, purpose, and peace. I know now completely I am worthy of love, of all types, that I am worthy of the positive loyal friends who have stood by me, walked with me, throughout all the highs and lows, whose presence is a reminder of that love, of never giving up. No longer do I awake with night terrors, no more do I feel the need to look over my shoulder when going about my life, no more do I shudder when a door, a cabinet is closed a little too hard, or when a glass is accidentally broken.
I mean...I have changed so much, I am wiccan now...I've been on stage across this valley, I've been in films across this state, I am a youtuber now, I have a podcast, I'm an art model...what have they (you) done with their(your) lives(life)?--Alina from Real
At present, I am finally birthing the story of 'our time' together, a long sought hopeful intention. But, this story is not for you, nor is it truly your story. This is my story, for me, as well as for others that you both directly and inadvertently abused and thus continue to do. This story is for them, for others in the world who have experienced love, heartbreak, abuse, and found themselves, and for me. The lessons learned for me are just that, through the heartbreak, the abuse, I found love of myself, love from others, and the strength of will to persevere. No longer a survivor, a thriver.
Like Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, I prevail, standing up against the abuser, liquifying their resolve, for my personal best and that of others. I will never fail to do just that, for my own good and for the benefit of society.
In therapy, I am working through my trauma, from you as well as others, to unlearn the lies you sought to wound with, to heal so that you, or any other abuser, will not live rent-free within my mind any longer. Nor will the lies you screamed over me. You don't deserve the time of anguish and anxiety any longer. I am working so that when I see you again, you will no longer be an ongoing concern to me, no longer cause a fear reaction causing momentarily inaction. No, I am working so that you will no longer exist to me. Sure, I hold a space of love for you somewhere far away in a distant past, long ago, at that café, but that is all you will ever be. Others from that time of life, I will always willingly make time for, re-connect with tenderness of love and gratitude.
Yet, you are not deserving of that treatment. One who sought to destroy could not, did not, and will never.
I have dreams, now that you're not lying
Next to me
I can sleep, I can rest in peace
I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails
I'm not burning up like I'm in hell
I can sleep
Now that I don't have you
Now that I don't have you
Maybe someday I'll love as others do
And wake up one morning to skies of blue
But I won't be with you
This is beautiful. My fellow thriver..
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful ❤️ of how my heart loves to know you are healing, soaring and exploring every single dream you've held onto. Keep on living inspite of the efforts of some fool to squash the joy inside of you. It's inspiring others to do the same 💖